Moderate to hard intensity runs. Logged on Garmin.

Otherwise what to say that matters?

It's still the last instant of the world. I start a new job tomorrow. Looks like my new bosses/coworkers are more intelligent. Although old job was pretty good. Biggest complaint was just that coworkers were a bit boring. This new job though ought to be better... 10 hour days instead of 14 hour ones. Research!! Chance to play the cello daily. Possibly go running more often.

I'm running a half marathon next saturday. Worried I haven't properly prepared.

My health is wonderful. Sleeping well. Lots of energy. Joints feel good. (Excepting aches and pains that go along with running.)
Loving the hot weather. Now have a second frog in the pond. Water lilly looks like it's going to be huge this year. Ravenous fish though are eating the hyacinths and I don't want to put so much food in this year like I did last year. Can't have the fish multiplying every year like they did last year. Just won't have many floating plants I guess.

Thinking I should start some new creative hobby. No one would listen to my music. (Although I'm possibly going to work on improving gear still, maybe eventually will record more music.) But as no one could be bothered to give 5 minutes to listen, it makes it pretty hard to bother writing. Was thinking of drawing/painting. Thing that holds me back on that is that I've so rarely seen anything done by anyone else that I considered worthwhile. Ordered a Beksinski book though.

10/2's for 16 miles in 2:29.

Saw interesting concert tonight. Again, three cello's beat an orchestra.

Got a research position. Has positives and negatives. I think it's a much less ridiculous position for me. But I liked my old job. Worry I'm a bit too far gone for the more typical interactions one usually has in a workplace. Shall see.

Boo hoo, woe is ME!

reddit.com is a pretty good site. Somewhat makes me feel better about humankind. Found an extremely intersting article there plus many useful comments about an 80% optimism bias. Reposted it at FB and no one commented or liked. Because I don't know any interesting people at all. But there are some out there. Scattered very few and far between, almost impossible to find online it seems.

Got sick three times in last month or so. Once after getting a tetanus, diptheria, .., pertussis shot. Second time from the worst hangover I think I've ever had. And finally from either a stomach flu or food poisoning. But this all coincides with changes in my exercise program. Going back to running twice a week. Want to get up to 3 hours each time because that makes work much more tolerable. Mostly slow continuous running, but with some hill repeats and finishing off with a brisk mile or two. Ed Whitlock broke 3 hours for the marathon at 73 years old by running for 3 hours continuous almost each day. I've found repeatedly that two days a week works almost as well as 5, 6 or 7. (Although maybe not really with aerobic activity....) Anyway, it's first and foremost about feeling good. And I've felt pretty damm bad recently with running much more frequent plus some light lifting.

Good mood lately. Why I couldn't say. Running more often, mostly continuous runs? Or is it related to a second sperm analysis that came back far better than previous and furthermore that as such I'm drinking alcohol again? Or spring?

A few pond dreams even. Even a slight writing breakthrough. (First person).

OTOH dreading that I might still get offered that job. Although hearing nothing for a month is a good sign. I should have learned my lesson by now. Ideally I should be doing something more with my mind, but thinking ideally is exactly what's caused me so much unhappiness throughout my life.

Insomnia from yesterday's exercise. Not sure what exactly though. Possibly from doing the situps as fast as possible. Didn't fall asleep until 5AM. And was supposed to get up at 5:15AM to work until usually 8:15PM. Called off. 4th call off. Can't call off again for next 9 months, or I'm blocked from transferring. Not usually an issue, but I have applied for an unique research position. With my insomnia issues a normal 8 hour a day job would be better for me. And research is a better fit, etc.

How ridiculous that simply switching to doing a set of situps faster would result in such insomnia. In the future I simply can't do any strengthening exercises if I have to work the next day. Or on rare occasions I could then take something to help me sleep.

I laid there, not feeling particularly bad. But just with stuff firing in my brain. Feeling my heartbeat, etc. Like my insides were moving, moving, moving, outside of my control. Sleep was impossible. Finally called off and just read a book until I finally felt sleepy at 5AM. Slept from 5 till 10. Now I sit here feeling like I've done something wrong. Like I've been bad. (sigh). What the hell though? Who can't fall asleep until 5AM because they did a sit of setups at about 2pm?

If only my work days weren't 15 hours long, taking care of critically sick people.

On the plus side, my manuscript finally got accepted. To be published almost two years from now. Making it a literature review with nothing from the most recent 3 years, which is stupid.

"You have to try! You have to care!"

Oh my I wrote some halfway decent music there. One of these days I suspect I'll give it another go. Perhaps no software though. Maybe another year or so of cello practice... Just might even try to play live. Bloch's Prayer is coming along, I could see really actually enjoying playing it live and thus hopefully someday enjoying playing my own original compositions...

And so, wanted to reminesce about how way back in 1992 or 1993? I lived in Crete and there was this lady I only thought of as a friend, whom forever assumed I was thinking of as more. As did many others, which was all rather annoying. Such crude, barbaric people. Anyway, she was somewhat standoffish towards me. But one day she had it in her head to actually meet me halfway and be friendly and came to my room late one evening and in response I suddenly started acting a bit violent. Not towards her but with objects towards a wall and so on. It's a bit murky in my head just what I was doing. But she quickly left. Sarcastically said, "Impressive" I do recall as she was leaving. As she walked down the stairs that were on the outside of the building. I threw some trophy down to the ground far below (we were on the third floor). I think that's maybe when she said, "impressive" sarcastically.

Why, oh why, would I act in such an awful manner?

Thinking back, it was because I knew that there was no way this would work, no matter what, it had no chance, and I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming urge to destroy it myself, instead of watching helplessly as it was destroyed despite my efforts to save it. So it was that I wanted to not be helpless.

And I was very much in the throes, perhaps, a very strong perhaps as I may just be making this all up entirely at this point, of belief in an evil god (on a nonconscious level) that was against me, that was destroying everything in my life. I was angry at it. And if I instead was the one doing the destroying, it shewed (lovecraftian!) that at least I KNEW what was going on....

Never any violence whatsoever was directed towards this women. Or any other, FWIW.

But somehow that moment popped into my head and I forgot why I acted in such a manner.... I think Kundera maybe touched on this idea in The Joke, concerning misremembering the past and persecuting ourselves as a result. But I can't really remember. That one single glass of wine at lunch hit me hard for some unknown reason. I wonder if certain foods play a role.

Went and saw my first opera on Saturday. Lucia Di Lammermoor with wife and S. I think I liked it but I was too tired to enjoy it very much. Got up at 5:30. Did a bunch of stuff, then ended up hurrying to the opera at 7PM. Too much stuff before opera. Got there 3 minutes late and had to sit in the very back row of the second tier till intermission. Beautiful sounding. So, so, so much better than recordings. Could have used binoculars though. And wish the subtitles would have been better.

Previously went on tour of capitol. I wasn't expecting much, but was still disappointed. Wandered around capitol mall museums. Skeletons were the best. Insect zoo was nice but way too small. Made a huge mistake concerning shoe wear.

Then took subway back to car. Which wasn't as alienating an experience as I remember.

I used to give money to the beggars. Now I don't just because I really really really don't want to hear their stories. At least no fatty tried to ask for money to get something to eat.

Then a nice dinner at Busboys and Poets. The fava bean chili was good. But 3 minutes too late for the opera. Oh well.

Had a pretty good time with S. Though she thought my 80's mix CDs were pretty gay. OMD, depeche mode.

Last Friday I did a 2/2 for 8 miles. Again on Monday and Wednesday. Took it easy today (friday) and just did a 2/2 for 5 miles. Found to my surprise I weigh just 202 pounds. My lightest in 19 years. Must remember that people don't want to hear about it. Have been trying to eat a bit better since watching Forks over Knives. Plus this running is getting sufficiently hardcore.

I've grown to love beer. Drink one or two each night. And I'm really feeling good. Sleeping well. Running well. Etc.

Went to a play in DC with S. Just me (a married man) and this attractive single lady. In the islamic theocracies, a woman may never be alone with a man who is not of her family. This because they're disgusting barbarians. The men see an ankle and start slobbering. Perhaps the women are exactly the same? Perhaps there's some truth to 1001 Arabian Nights and perhaps this in turn exactly led to FGM and completely hiding their bodies and so on. Maybe it was either dump a canvass over them, cut off their private parts and chain'em up, or orgies in the streets!

Nothing remotely inappropriate happened with me and S. 8 hours in a car together. Dinner, wandering around Georgetown and watched Uncle Vanya. It's as if we're actually civilized people.

OTOH, neither of us have reproduced and possibly neither of us ever will.

Uncle Vanya was like a formulaic-for-the-masses story but old Russian style, which is to say it has comedy, and romance, and a heavy dose of existential nihlism. Uncle Vanya is basically having a midlife crisis. Strangely while getting a buzz drinking 8.5% ALC at dinner before it I basically said exactly what it was saying, about just do something, divert yourself from the cold, awful reality and soldier on. Basically summarizing the movie, (minus the comedy and romance). I've never read Chekov. Wasn't familiar with the play at all.

Aren't I special?

Today I've eaten 3/4ths a loaf of bread, some peas (with garlic and tomatoes) and had a beer. I don't crave anything bad. Feel good. But I don't want to fall below 200 pounds.

Stepfather tells me today that he wanted me to be just like him. And indeed that's basically what he tried to do. He tried to pound me into his shape.

And for the most part, it didn't work. But he certainly stopped me from reaching my own actual potential.

As I keep seeing him act in inappropriate ways, I wonder what chance really did I ever have to reach my dreams with such a father? And I wonder just what might I have accomplished if not for him? And I wonder if anything can be salvaged at this point?

And realistically, the answer is that nothing really can be salvaged. My dreams are dust. I don't know why I'm here at all anymore.

I guess I'll pretend I'm still trying. Even though I'm locked out.

They would have had a presence there if they existed in this world. But they did not. And it's too late for the giraffe to evolve wings. Thus my dessicated corpse is free at last to walk the forever night.



In other news (well the above is actually really old news) I today ran 6 miles in 55:12 (3/1 intervals). Made sure to do a negative split but still really felt like shit. Haven't felt so great lately. Think attempting to elongate my stride made my back hurt just a little, but also lack energy in general. Diet hasn't been so good. Not eating enough green vegetables. And really ought to go back to being a perfect vegan. Which means 14 hour days with either junk or nothing at all to eat at work sometimes. (Always taking food with you is actually a real collosal(sp) pain in the ass.)

Got my first analog hardware synth today. Yesterday actually but was too tired to open it. Today will do that. Also get more garden soil for my enclosed raised bed garden. Also will plant broccoli, cucumbers, peas and ...? Some other things. Along with the beans and sunflowers and a few other things. With late start not putting much thought into it. Haven't been able to find morning glory seeds. Adding the sand between the walking stone cracks looks nice but isn't firm enough in places.

Thinking instead of a dragon statue in the middle, perhaps I'll build some wind powered instrument thing. Something with very low pitches. Like a wind chime perhaps. Aeolian harp probably wouldn't withstand the weather. And I want some sound even with low intensity wind. And definitely not 12 tone equal temperment.

Today I went to the one decent restaurant in town; a new place since they put in the highway connector. I love the cucumber salad. In fact I never ate cucumbers till this place. Just now at 38, finally eating cucumbers. Which have this coolness about them (temperaturewise), which is especially good when it's schorching hot outside. But then, it's really quite a simple salad I ought to just make at home. The food is otherwise nothing that special really.... I cook pretty good these days and now live someplace that I don't find myself desperately trying to find a reason each evening to leave.

But at the end of this meal I got a dessert that had some chocolate in it. This is just about my first bit of caffeine in many months. The result is that 7 hours later (0030) I've got some insomnia. AND some myopia such that I'm lacking wisdom and rambling on pointlessly here.

Yes, caffeine is best avoided.

Other news: today got a new work schedule position. No more night shifts. I had been officially working one night shift a week, but in reality had only really been working it once a month at most. Thank god for no more night shifts though. They were awful.

Let's see, other news... I'm pushing my running too much. Getting obsessed with trying to improve. Losing balance. Forgotten why I started in the first place which was to:
1. Keep my back feeling good.
2. Have plenty of energy for work.
3. ...? General good health.

The running has worked at those. Again starting to worry too much about going really fast, and really tiring myself out and thus decreasing my quality of life.

What the hell else crap is going on? Still finishing up my enclosed raised bed garden. I didn't take into account how much all the garden soil is going to cost. Oh well. All in all I'm spending well over 1000 dollars. But it shall be nice. The blueberry's straight off the bushes taste so much better than storebought. This is just how life ought to be. And right now as when I'm out there I'm thinking about A Wrinkle In Time, at the beginning, as Meg and Calvin go for a short walk and the scenery is described, the garden, the apple trees. As Charles Wallace, Meg, Mom and Mrs. Whatsit eat all those different types of sandwiches. "Wild nights are my glory." Something about this that touches my core, that this is how life is meant to be. You should walk outside and there be food growing and so on.

And I prefer it done so that after a lot of work and money in the beginning it will take care of itself in the longterm.

And did a search of dragon statues. Thinking of a homage to Robin Hobb. But there's nothing remotely good online.

My cello playing has lagged a bit recently. Still practicing but lots of 30 minutes practice days. Do finally have a nice high position thanks to studio adjustable chair plus bits of wood to stop crappy studio chair from slowly sinking.

Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time is wonderful not so much because of the anti-conformity message but because of the description of Meg's home. The genius little brother. The house out in the woods. The scientist parents. The bunsen burner. All those different kinds of sandwiches. The garden. The dog and cat. I don't understand why this stuck with me so. Somehow as a child I longed for it. The right place at the right time I suppose such that a scene that must have been similarly decribed in endless books just stayed with me so strongly as some beautiful ideal.

I used to have all four books. Can't find the three that follow right now. Loved this series so that I would try to imagine M L'Engle. Pictured here with long blonde hair. (She was about as far from how I pictured her as possible.) But the fact that I was trying to picture her just says something about how much I loved this series as a kid.

Schorching hot lately, also with a decent bit of rain. This is when stuff GROWS. The fish are ravenous. Although it's too hot for that huge tree I bought. Leaves are getting crinkly on the edges, which greatly annoys me. Today I saw a huge spider. A very thick muscular spider of a type that I've never seen before. Outside of tarantulas in Texas I've never seen such a large spider. I wonder if somehow it came with the potting soil and survived from somewhere much further south. It was such a monster though that I just couldn't not kill it. Feel quite bad, but damm it was a scary huge thing. Would not have been able to enjoy the garden much knowing it was lurking somewhere.

Insects are horrific creatures if you really think about it. But mostly I don't think that of them. The water bugs on the pond remind me of The Dark Crystal. The numerous dragonflys are beautiful to me. The bees love the water lettuce. Their butts pulse as they drink what I assume is a sort of nectar from the center. Tons of tiny grasshoppers in enclosed raised bed garden. They're cute. Also a praying mantis as pictured below. They're not so bad to look at. Probably the basis of the Pheng(sp) in Vance's Tschai. All the bugs and slugs in the soil don't bother me. Don't even particularly mind the quite large wolf spiders sometimes out back which jump and seem to change direction in mid-air.

But this one spider was too much. Although smaller than a taratula, it was far, far worse than a tarantula. And I don't know why exactly. Trying to forget but doing it all wrong indeed, thanks to the caffeine.

I changed clothes 4 times today as I was repeatedly soaked in sweat. Just a bit too hot. Although as long as I stay right by the pond I'm OK.

Was rude to J today. Feel bad about it. Got locked out and needed water badly. Still doesn't remotely excuse my rudeness to her.

I could go on and on about worthless things. More negative than positive but why do so? Wash away the negative. Talk about Dark Crystal water bugs. Are the baby fish part koi? They started out dark brown but now are gold with speckles. I'm hoping of course that they're part koi. They're changing colors by day right now, so we're watching closely.

Was thinking what a damm good thing my biological father had no contact with me. Have thought this off and on, but lately hadn't. Then heard on NPR about Obama and how he was almost certainly better off without his father around and it occurred particularly strongly that the same was the case with me. I already knew this yet have had a tendency to focus on the negative of what an evil man he was for not having anything to do with me. Now instead thinking, "Thank God!"

I listened to this cd often while amongst a particularly bloodthirsty bunch of ..."academic" demons in Minneapolis. I remember I lived in someone's attic in isolation. College roommates who had nothing to do with one another. The owner of the house lived in the basement and took issue with my wife once coming to visit me from Los Alamos. Very strange. Those few days with her were the only thing worth remembering of the 8 months there. Otherwise it was dark and cold and I got to meet many, many demons. And I was worked endlessly and have less than nothing to show for it. Also I herniated a disc in my back and couldn't stand up straight about half the time. Took many years to truly heal from that. Actually the sprinting of a few days ago may have been a first in 5 years. Had to slowly carefully work my way back over the course of years.

It's nice to have pieces of music to bring back a time.

It's amazing the hell I was put through. I'm so far from that now.

Not that Minneapolis was really that bad. It was that on top of the previous 20 years, many of which were far worse.

So far from that now, but it's still the exact same world. And a large part of me will always be disconnected from the personal, instead tapped into the bigger picture. It's a deeply ingrained neural pathway not easily overcome. I forget it's something to overcome, mainly. The last instant, who cares about the big picture?

With myopia, now is heaven, after so, so many years of true hell.

Done but for the dying. There's nothing to say as there's no one to say it to.

Really there isn't. I had already searched for so many years. Last night myopia departed for a short awful time. Did the necessary thinking to get it back.

...in other news I got a papyrus plant. Curious to see how fast it grows. If it grows fast I may eventually try to make some paper or something with it. Just curious to experience how life was once lived.

Really love my pond. Only negative is the bit of liner which is visibile along the edges. That stops me from bothering much with pictures. It's water, fish, all kinds of pretty plants and just a little bit of something that looks like a plastic garbage bag. Would have been so much more work to avoid that and maybe eventually will try to find the perfect stones to overlap the edges and hide it. Not really a big deal.

Planning on just running 1/1 intervals for a while. (Run fast or walk!) Probably just twice a week and until I hopefully manage 3 miles in 24 minutes, although not sure if I ever will. Currently manage around 27 minutes. Another way to think of it is managing an entire lap at the track every two minutes. The negative is it makes me want to lay around more. Not such a good thing for work. So, I might change my mind.

Now off for cello lesson. Then a dinner with parents of spinach, lentils and lemon missippi(sp) mud pie.

"Wrote" a song today, #142. Sampling from Twilight Hitchhiker episode, which I found so scary as a kid and actually still really is extremely scary to me. Here at 38, finally watching the entirety of it.

Listening back over old songs. I do impress myself a bit. Whatever though.

Have memories attached to some songs. 129 very strongly bits of england. Fake memories of course, best not examined too closely.

Today I ran awfully. Maybe it was the extreme soreness in my hamstrings from gardening these last few days. Or the night shift I worked. Hadn't worked one in a couple of weeks. And/or going up to 4 miles of intervals last run. Etc. Shouldn't get too frustrated.

But then furthermore power company contractors came by to take some large chunks out of the two biggest trees we've got on the front side of the house. Wife actually cried about it.

Also procrastinating the final go at that synthesis of the literature for publication.

:( At least S actually contacted me about going out for dinner. Normally I always have to take the initiative which I'm about tired for good of. Very rare for someone else to do so.

Vacation
Mostly for memories sake I guess. That's what makes it not a silly waste of money. But most good memories perhaps have to be warped in order to be good. Thus really remembering it well isn't necessarily a good thing. So in reality how good was it?

Decent. But somewhat because of a fake nostalgia from having gone to Florida 30 years previous.

On drive down stopped at two places. Got an interesting musical instrument. A finger piano.
Stayed night in Savannah. Blah.
Then got to clearwater. Clearwater had a lot of shells on the beach. J and I enjoyed sea shell hunting Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning I went for a run on the beach barefoot. More calf stretch than usual left my calves toasted and walking like an old man for days.

Wednesday went to the Dali musuem. The best art was an exhibit at the end by high schoolers. Of Dali the best thing was a pictures of him with his ridiculous handlebar mustache looking surprised. Dali was a part of the surrealist group that propped/fluffed each other up and basically talked a load of incomprehensible bullshit. Other people who wanted to sound like they were in the know went along with it. Basically an emperor's new clothes thing. It happens the worst in painting. It's the most anti-egalitarian, meritless type of art. Dali was at least far better tha Warhol. At least Dali could paint a bit.

Then to the big cat rescue. This was J's thing. Women seem to like big cats. I was fascinated by the bintarang (not a cat).

Then to Sanibel island Wednesday night. Thursday morning went sea shell "hunting". Sanibel has the most of just about anyplace in the US. There were too many really. Finding a few neat shells is fun. Going somewhere where you could literally take a shovel and multiple trashbags is just too much.

Then Thursday around noonish, onwards, across the middle of Florida, through the everglades. I'm afraid without stopping as I wanted to get to Coral Castle in time. Coral Castle was a disappointment. Way overhyped. Very dishonest. Ed did nothing that was really that special. It was depressing. More so the city it was located in. The best thing was the little lively lizards. Also my calves were so so sore.

Then down to Key West. Just barely found a hotel room Thursday night. Wandered about the main touristy street Friday and also went out on a glass bottom boat to see the coral reef. J got really sunburned on her arms in less than 2 hours of sun. Also saw Hemingway's house. And a few other places. Ate a couple of meals while listening to live music. Listened to a good 80's cover band Friday night while drinking a bunch of margaritas.

Drank every night and made love about once a day for the whole trip.

Left to come home Saturday morning. 16 hours from home a rock cracked the windshield and we watched the crack slowly grow all the way home. At home Paddington was nowhere to be found. J was sure she was gone forever and bawled and bawled and put up signs, etc. And then she came home. So all's well.

In the future just want to go to one single place and instead of trying to frantically see everything, just relax. But this was OK. I listened to a Sonic Youth remake of a Carpenter song occasionally and would sing it to J when she got stressed about a few things (finding a room in Key West, the cracked windshiled...)

An email I guess I won't send. Why? Our manager really hates this stuff. Also I'm just going to defer to my wife's judgement. Saying negative things about others is dangerous. And I seriously doubt my opinion would matter on whether or not the doctor's career is ruined.

H,
Sorry to bother you with this. But yesterday JM was saying that she had filed an incident report concerning GJ that she claimed may get him fired and I was just thinking that maybe I finally ought to mention something.

I really think that J is inappropriate with a few men. With other women she is fine. But with me for example, she has been an extreme headache off and on since I've worked here. When I was a nurse's aide she criticized my performance literally every single day for months at a time. Always though, pretending she was "joking" with me, but at the same time, quite seriously criticizing everything I did. Literally including how I pulled people up in bed, claiming I caused her to hurt her back, then going on about it for 6 months almost daily, yet with the facade that she was just "joking" which I guess somehow in her mind makes it OK to go on for literally six months.

As a new nurse she only took it to a higher level, constantly criticizing everything I did. Claiming I answered the phone wrong, claiming I left stepdown when I shouldn't have, endless little things really, then she'd just wait to see what kind of reaction she could get out of me, and if I ever (would finally) respond with annoyance she'd claim she was just joking.

I wouldn't bother pointing these things out except to mention that I can seriously sympathize with someone finally truly blowing up at her. She is very passive aggressive towards a few men and will just keep taking "pokes" at them.

I could go on and on about the sorts of things she's personally done to me but I don't want to just waste your time with something that you can't do anything about. I only wanted to finally mention this with respect to her possibly getting GJ fired. I don't think GD or for that matter Dr. Jac acts in an appropriate manner all the time, but I do think that JM is partially to blame for whatever happened with GJ because I'm pretty sure she's been taking "pokes" at him for quite awhile now also.

I could mention for example this Sunday. One of my patients was moving to the floor. J was to get the patient and everything was ready for her at 4:30pm. She never took the patient. The patient was moved at shift change. J was not so busy as that. I expressed some annoyance to someone in stepdown about it as on top of this (trached and restrained patient) my other two patients were very busy at the time.

J apparently was in the medroom listening at the door. She then around 6:15 finally comes back to stepdown when I'm charting something and says, "Look at you. Throwing a big fit and you hardly look like you're that busy."

Said though, as usual, as if she's (somehow) joking. Attempting to claim I "threw a big fit" when I hadn't. Claiming I'm not busy when I'm extremely busy and yet said in her typical half joking manner such that if I respond seriously I'm somehow being inappropriate.

I responded, "Excuse me? I'm extremely busy."

So then she leaves, never does take the patient. At shift change I hunt down A who says that J told her I had no updates (to add to earlier taped report). I did have updates. Most importantly the patient was wearing mitts that she had managed to take off twice and was a serious risk for pulling out her trach. Why J would claim I had no updates concerning a patient that was supposed to be moved out to her on the floor 2 and half hours ago that instead she never spoke to me concerning I couldn't say.

What I do know furthermore is that she's far and away the biggest gossip on the floor. She recently spent 6 months slandering BL every single day. Attempting to seriously convince people he was going to come to work with a gun. I know she'll go and on behind my back with some smear concerning this issue.

She goes on and on about MS and has even managed to get a rise on numerous occasions out of BH. (the other few men basically)

I'm sorry for the long email. I just hate to see her get someone fired who she's been creating drama with the last year plus.

She also was extremely inappropriate with TJ when he worked here. Constantly flirting. Spending all her time with him. It really didn't seem like appropriate behavior in a hospital setting. The people who tried to talk to her about it though she then smeared them behind their backs for the next 6 months.

Anyway I really try to just stay out of these sorts of things but I just would hate to possibly see someone getting fired at least in part because of her behavior.

Had a 4.8 extreme hill run that I didn't finish followed by at 51:09 and I think it's because I was easing up on the bike. Quit standing. Also really thought a bit about it and it seems it's just too hilly. So today I ran instead a relatively flat 3 mile course in 26:40. Which is a PR for the last 15 years. And hopefully only for a week or so.

Life is better without caffeine by the way. Thinking lately about how I need dreams to hold on to. Somehow, someway, even if they're vague, even if they maybe can't stand much scrutiny. Dreams of being good at suduko I guess. But I need a few more suduko type games. Writing fiction. Standing to write of injustice. (Must remember... though I don't want to type. Possibly something original with music that would cost money....)

I'm writing up a research paper for a research group I'm on. I did up the first draft and got feedback from the rest of the group about it. I'm the only man on the team. It's me and around ten or so women. And all the women are managers, etc. I'm the lowest ranking person. There was one other woman who ranked as low as me but she just got promoted.

I don't think I'm going to get promoted anytime soon...? Kind of hope not. I think my people skills maybe aren't good enough. (Either because of the father I had, or how much of a dreamer I am, or just how much extreme stuff I've been through, I ultimately don't relate quite well enough, somehow.... There is also the fact I'm the only man.) But then this women who just got promoted sits in these research meetings and never says anything, while I've mostly carried the project so far and spend more time giving my opinion than most managers.

Which is a little dangerous of course. The underlings are somewhat expected to keep their mouths shut and be yesman in any corporate structure. But perhaps not too horribly so, in this particular structure. I think the people are generally very happy with my input and work. I do disagree with managers regularly. I worry a bit about doing so. Ideally, it's what I should be doing. If my managers are any good it's what they should want me to be doing. But such "ideal behavior" at times hasn't worked out for me in the past. And I'm definitely tempering it a bit more these days than I once did. Ultimately though I've always felt extreme disgust for the yesman. Those who obey authority even when they know it's wrong. Those of the Milgram shock experiment. The "good germans", etc. And so, so many people I've known in my own personal experience.

Anyway a few people suggested changes to the paper that I could have expected well enough. Really I figured it was just a first draft. But I must say making the expected changes to make it read more like other published work, will actually make it not as good of a paper in terms of actually imparting information to the reader. What I mean to say is the established writing form isn't entirely rational. And that ultimately I'm a bad writer because I try to follow the rational instead of just following the crowd. And I suppose I'll always be a bad writer for this reason. (Although the Finnish papers I read were far more rational, but I'm expected to follow the American ones...)

And then furthermore, despite my endless reading and endless attempts to write, I'll never be anything special at it. For example, I don't see the point in avoiding a repetitious structure when starting a new paragraph that explains yet another person's previous work. You make it harder to follow if with each chapter you switch things around, yet I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Same thing in that I don't think a different word/adjective should be used when you refer over and over to the same thing. Again, just brings potential pointless confusion. Finally I want to start out with a very very brief introduction of all the potential benefits of the practice change we want to make before jumping into the particulars. This way the reader sees all of them, right in one paragraph. All together, very easily compiled.

But no, that's just not how it's done. So I'll have to break that up into at least three paragraphs and make them not as brief and make it a bit harder for the reader to quickly get information from it.

So this first draft was very easy to understand, I have to now go back and make it less easy to understand and instead more like other people's papers.

So today I sit, still sick with the flu, trying to do this. And it's harder for me than it might be for another, because I'm not just copying the accepted normal way. I'm caught between doing it in what ought to be the right way, and doing it the accepted way. Trying to figure how far can I push it towards the right way. Probably not very far actually.

And this is what it's like, again and again, reiventing everything, because actually most things really don't work that well. It's a bit of a pain in the ass today. And if you carry it all the way, it makes life hell. It leaves one in torment. Take it all the way, and good luck functioning in the actual world at all.

"...there are people who are dead-alive, people who are alive-alive. The dead-alive also write, walk, speak, act. But they make no mistakes, and they produce only dead things. The alive-alive are constantly in error, in search, in questions, in torment." Yevgeny Zamyatin

It is so much better than my time working as an engineer/scientist though. There is absolutely zero tolerance for any originality whatsoever in that massive field. You have more freedom of speech and are less compelled to kiss ass in the military.

I went from 1 to 1.3 miles in the strength shoes and suddenly I have a bunch of soreness in my calves despite making such slow increases and never having any previously. I guess I relaxed my stride a bit and was getting more of a calf stretch.

Was thinking that I suppose one person's enough. Wrong though it is. Vile though it is. Oh well.

I think perhaps my stepfather has aspergers? I don't think of that being a condition someone from nepal would have. But I suppose it describes his behavior, for what it's worth. He really can be hell to be around. And the thing is he refuses to face how rude he is. Him being rude is just not a possibility to him. Endlessly interrupting others is fine. Criticizing people however is fine. ("I'm just being honest!") He was hell to be with at the hospital. I've never seen any patient act like him. It's hell to hear how he speaks to people on the phone here at my house.

I wonder how much I've become like him. How could I not? This is what I've been around my whole life. I wonder who I might have been and where I might be if I had had someone a bit more normal for a parent.