....and I changed my mind. Bazille maybe isn't so good for FM. Demo'd FM8. Sounds so much better and does correct ratios like Dexed. Bazille does a lot of junky sounds when I try FM and doesn't have the ratios. Fm8 and Dexed aren't full microtonal but Zebra2 is and it appears to be much better for FM than Bazille.

As to tal uno lx, bazille does those sort of sounds better and also repros. Also hive 2, seems better. Though I shouldn't have bought it.

I downloaded all my old computer music onto new. Didn't go well. A lot of song files won't open because certain vsts won't transfer. And it seems I deleted all the song files I most wanted. Almost all the microtonal and the good piano. I think i used z3ta+... And my favorite. "Yeah I heard it."

I think I can recreate it... but I would like to know what synth that was. I may have only used it once.

I was happier playing piano. The recording music is frustrating and ultimately harder/more time consuming and so far more expensive (spent about 400 so far and it's mostly probably bad buys) and less rewarding.

I know the end result will be silence. But I wan't something I believe enough in to really push, try to get out on the big streaming sites.

Played great tennis this weekend.
Ball toss is from right to left. Keep racquet faced closed throughout forehand.

So I'm trying to improve at long distance running, tennis, piano and guitar. I'm pretty sure i will never again have time for the 40 by 20 foot enclosed raised bed garden i made and am considering removing it for some weeping willows. Possibly just let the bamboo go wild. I have a gaming computer but taking a break from that. Hopefully Hawthy will start playing elder scrolls and enderal on it soon.

No time for cello. Writing looms in the distance. Continuing to write my somewhat deep thoughts down elsewhere. Reading Wolfe's entire solar cycle now. Which i had read halfway through before. And read new sun at least 3 times probably more.

My running goal is sub 19 5k/ sub 40 10k. Or say 9 miles in an hour. My PBs are 21 5k, 7:53 pace for 8 miles. To somehow improve at my advanced age i'm trying easy intervals instead of much slower easy continuous runs. Easy continuous runs never did anything for me really before.

My fingers are toughened up for guitar. Need some good books though to start learning songs instead of chords. Barre chords are so hard. A major barring is possibly impossible for me. Barring at all on a 12 string, even scalloped..for get it. Was trying dgdgbd tuning that way. Maybe if i removed the lowest d like keith richards. Or maybe remove the 3rd and 4th string and tune the lowest 2 to like an e and something else? Also got a nylon classical so now i have 4 different kinds of guitars.

Learning canon in d on piano now. Really an easy one. Attempting to play entire gladiolus rag and chopin funeral once through everyday. It's a mental stretch to do both entirely. Also trying to find time for Nyman's heart asks pleasure. Just this is time consuming. If i wasn't also running and playing guitar everyday...

Everything one hand continental works great if playing someone who hits flat. But not as good against really heavy topspin. But I'm going to stick with it. I really need to practice high forehands though.

There is a mindset that it's better to be really good at one thing then ok at many. I highly disagree. Doing just one thing is boring and it's not really a competition. Music certainly shouldn't be anyway. The whole "i am a guitar god!" mindset is a perversion. It's about whatever song you are playing, not you. Same with piano.

In tennis and running (races) you are directly in competition with others but i don't care much about winning, just doing well. I'd much rather play tennis well and lose than win ugly / get my opponent to play bad. In running i just want to run fast with hardly any effort a long way.

Finished Brent Weeks Lightbringer series except for the last book which isn't out. Was strangely unhappy during it. Kind of neglected my other hobbies during it. Wondered though if it was just too much injustice. But it could be something else. Spend time writing letters I won't send to people I knew decades ago. Gave up my sexual abstinence after a month or so because I think it was getting me in a bad mood. Have a theory it turns the "must improve" part of a man while neglecting the "maintain/stay alive to rear my children" part. I really had this feeling of dying of a heart attack. Perhaps there's something to that. What few studies there are suggest people who have sex more often live longer but the science isn't that great. Being around a few more decades matters more to me. I don't really feel like there's anything too terribly important to otherwise accomplish. That I have any chance of accomplishing.

Anyway, Weeks' series is about Kip Guile and Gavin/Daven Guile. They both have very special magical powers and suffer great injustice. Gavin/Daven lost his powers, or at least he lost yellow, blue, green, subred, etc. Everything except black which he refuses to use. Preferring to be blinded. Preferring to die. Young Kip is a budding great magician who has never been properly trained but at 15/16 is already amazing. Their father is a terrible man. Color wights are also a bad thing, I guess. And some special order. Or who knows. Maybe the Chromeria is really the bad guy.

Now reading some book. Except son has my phone and I can't remember name... The Curse of Chalion by Lois Bujold. Great detail. Lupe Castelar is a sort of teacher/chaperone to a noble young lady and her friend. He escaped from being a galley slave. Just a tinsy bit of magic. I would like a tad bit more. But just when one gives up hope finally there is some related to Death magic.

Finally bought expensive racquets Wilson Clash. 2 for 480. Doesn't seem to be anything special about the Clash Tour. Though I was a little hasty in not even demoing that one. But online reviews suggest the two are practically the same. I'm liking the Clash though. Also really trying to hit a straight arm forehand with australian grip and even hitting a backhand drive with same grip. Went to "league" night at the posh club and played well enough.

I need to lose weight. I need to stop eating sweets every single day. Donut/s for breakfast. Cookies/brownies sometimes during the day. A pie on the weekend. lol. Straight up addiction like any other addiction. Over the years gradually it happened. Helped by being able to gorge myself when younger every single day while staying skinny for years. Now I'm 240 and don't lift weights. 6'4" and still athletic. Still. How silly to worry about this. No time to go run for 2 plus hours.

Close to finished with Gladiolus. Taken my sweet time. Enjoying it but feel like eventually, learn it or give it up... Wife doesn't complain I guess.

Been playing Enderal which is a mod that is installed into Skyrim. The modification though is that it pretty much completely replaces Skyrim, except for a few odds and ends. Some objects look the same. Entirely different story, characters, music. I guess some similar magic spells, creatures. I like it better I think. But i may be biased. For one I've been reading about Bethesda and they sound like assholes. They aren't bringing back Jeremy Soule. They don't even speak to him. And from interviews and presentations/announcements they don't sound good at all. ES6 won't be any good. I like seeing a mod that replaces their entire game and is better.

Also I'm curious about doing something similar maybe someday. That place I'm haunted by I don't think works as a book. Could work much better as some kind of virtual reality / videogame.

Also playing Skyrim SE which it's very easy to add mods to. Looks very beautiful but I like Enderal better. I also really like Morrowind with the sound and graphics overhaul anyway. So playing those two games at the moment. I have not really been successful modding Oblivion. Was trying to add Qarls graphics mod. Have tried 4 different mod mangers and manual installs. Will come back to it eventually.
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Learning the Gladiolus "Rag". I really like it. The idea of playing ragtime seems to nerdy/square. But I like it far better than the classical I've been playing. I need to listen to it enough that I can hum the whole thing. That's actually quite a bit of listening for me. Which ahh. Hmm. That in and of itself is kind of a skill actually. Being able to accurately hum a 4 minute ragtime piece. I guess the same applies to classical. I can't hum an entire symphony or even sonata movement. There is some pianist who travels around playing ragtime who can simultaneously run two pieces in his head at once.

In my continuing effort to improve at stuff. I could just listen to music and practice humming it from start to end.
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Bored with juggling. Got a number of 3 ball things down. 4 ball really means higher tosses which I'm not so much into. Plus you just have to concentrate more.
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Tennis has been really good as I've started just hitting my backhand like Ken Rosewall and forehand a lot like Jimmy Conners. Hardly any topspin. Simplifying. Went back to heavy racquet. Experimented with extender ripstick and old prostaff and my elbow hurting a bit. Also was experiment with almost backhand grip serve which also annoyed my elbow. Back to old flexible Michael Chang racquet and australian grip for everything.
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Have a baby girl. And minding just staying at home with family far less. My one friend is so often kind of off because of the medications she takes I guess. The other is chaos and so little in common. It's important to have friends. But once you've experimented plenty of hanging out, you eventually don't really need to so much I guess.
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That crap with that boy getting attacked for just smiling at that native american drummer is truly nuts. I was interested in reading about it and the articles make me sick. I'm on the left. So many on my "side" still attacking this 15 year old boy even after it comes out the drummer came up to him and the high school group was being verbally attacked by another group. So many were so quick to attack and now won't admit they were wrong. Hate for Trump is high. Sort of understandable but people who's vision is completely clouded by it are hard for me to understand.

Been playing heavily modded morrowind for a couple of weeks now. Best game ever. More or less.
This has resulted in not much piano playing. Been playing tennis like Ken Rosewall except 9 inches and close to 100 pounds bigger, so still a bit of power. Reading The Banished Craft by E D Bell book 3 now. About a world where dragons and humans have been split apart. Pro-vegan book. First I've ever really read.
Got back into running for a couple of weeks or so now. Just doing 4/2s at 8 minute miles so far. Just twice a week. Juggling I can do 6 or 7 three ball patterns and I can do 4 ball sync fountain for like 5 to 10 seconds.
Second child is due in 3 weeks. I continue to get no support at work. First child seems to be a strange combination of very smart and... really not, just like someone else I know.

Health is good. Sleeping well. Have been mostly avoiding gluten and feel better for it.

It occurs to me that I have to have uncommon friends. By that I seem to mean that they must be a bit nuts. Otherwise things just don't make sense. Perhaps, simply with friends as with lovers, we seek that which feels familiar.

"Lovers" is really not a word I use.

And so my friends are kooky. And this can be a problem, just about always. But well what, make friends with someone that's "normal"? Meh.

So then, so it goes.

And read The Boy From Tomorrow by Camille Deangelis. About two children who can communicate across 100 years. Brought a tear to my eye. Reminded me of my idea, not just a story idea, but something in the real world I desperately wanted, someone to just talk to far away as I lived hell. I of course could not find that in the real world. I found just more hell.

..also loving this Castlevania show on netflix. Which is unusual for me. Never watch TV shows. This is so dark. Destroying mankind. Evil religion. Good stuff.

Pretty much have Nyman's Heart Asks for Pleasure memorized. Now just need to spend a few months improving it. Have first 3 pages of beet's 7th 2nd movement mostly memorized in a way that I can play it with some sight reading glances. Now using metronome to try to get the hang of the third page where the left hand is sort of really 3/4 and the right is 2/4. Sort of. That may take a while to really sync them up. And I really haven't memorized the 2nd page sufficiently. Also still working on pathetique 2nd movement. Have forgotten 4th and 5th page and that's how it goes. While working so hard on Nyman's of course I then forget the previous thing which really I didn't memorize that great in the first place but it will eventually stick. And I really need to brush up Rach's c sharp prelude eventually. And I have unmemorized the the 4th page of moonlight easy movement. Oh well. I haven't been serious at it for very long yet. It will stick eventually. And if I'm glancing at the sheet music I can play this stuff not too bad...

Successfully made potato cakes for the first time. Next will add minced broccoli and garlic. Potatoes are my thing now. Really avoiding wheat. Although I do add a bit to the potato cakes. But really avoiding pasta and bread. Feel better this way. Better energy. Better digestion.

Quitting chocolate. Haven't liked my sleeping lately.

Cleaned my disaster of a mancave/library for first time in many years. Bekah helped. Jeff coming also played a role.

Successfully modded Skyrim for the first time. Way harder than it should be but some issue with my gaming computer of not being recognized as an admin lol. Etc.

Getting very close to juggling 4 balls now. Hardly ever practice it but finally just took some very soft balls to work and practice there a bit. Considering I never practice at home it's pretty good that I can do like 8 to 12 or so throws sometimes.

Thinking to put aside non-dominant forehand because actually I like how a one handed backhand feels better than a forehand anyway. I'll just have to practice it until it gets better. Going to focus on just the drive. Mixing it up with the slice is holding me back. Though I definitely won't do as well in matches without the slice.

Trying to become a d and d dungeon master despite having never actually played the game lol. Watching vids. Reading the books isn't enough I think. Bekah wants me to. And I think it will be very good for my sad writing aspirations.

So it was approximately Sep 9th that I decided I would work really hard for three weeks at left handed forehand, piano, perfect pitch and juggling four balls. I was motivated by Archie Dan Smith's book where he talks about a supposed 3 week rule and also the importance of avoiding interference. Since then I've read a lot of books about how best to practice. And no one else is talking about interference or any 3 week rule. In fact the best book goes on quite a bit about interleaving which is pretty much the opposite, where you purposely change things up. So I halfway along I stopped doing it like Smith advocated.

For the left handed forehand: Again I stopped worrying about interference and played tennis. Additionally as much of a novice as I am at this shot I don't have to do it a ton to improve. But I am being patient and continuing to work on this shot. Not giving it up. The main issue is not hitting it hard enough. But for low balls I'm getting close. For high balls I'm close to terrible. But two days ago I played a match against a good pusher (GM) and split sets and then won the tiebreak 10-2. I hit left handed forehand about 80% of the time instead of a backhand. Though because he's a pusher I was mostly hitting my right handed forehand once I got past the return of serve. (He does have a good first serve).

Juggling: Only practiced a little each day. Just my right hand with 2 for two plus weeks. When I started doing the left hand with 2 I found that the right hand is now a bit better than the left. So I have improved. But just a little bit. I just haven't put adequate time into this. It's just a matter of making sure the toss goes up in the right direction. Not terribly interesting.

Perfect pitch: I decided knowing the intervals is just more important. I quickly was able to discern 2nd minor, 2nd major (chopstick), perfect fifth (vaguely asian), and octave and seventh and major third. But just 3rd major and minor I'm terrible at. And I can see the same issue is there with perfect 4th and perfect 5th. And  the solution seems to be just playing a bunch of 3rds, etc on the piano. But when I sit down at the piano right now I want to focus on actually practicing the piano so putting this on hold.

Piano: Definitely have improved. Though I can see getting fatigued with trying to play everyday. I want to try to more or less continue that. I want to perfect the following repertoire:

Moonlight Sonata (can easily sight read but falter here or there on the memorization)

Rach's Prelude in C sharp minor (used to know and with just an hour of practice almost have it totally back except the very ending)

2nd movement of Beethoven's 7th symphony (the proprioception is difficult. The big jumps on the second page. Getting frustrated with how often I still hit the wrong note. Have only memorized the first page and a half because I'm really working on the proprioception.)

Dark Eyes Richard Benda (I have been able to play the first page or so for many years but trying to play without looking at hands is very difficult. Going to take a long time to manage that I'm sure.)

Scarlatti sonata in F major 118 (Haven't begun it yet. Wanted something baroque not by Bach that will help me with my technique and really like how this sounds.)

Pathetique Sonata 2nd movement by Beethoven (Can play first page so far).

Big thing is I'm learning proprioception whereas I used to just memorize and look at hands. Goal now is to play all this by memory without looking at hands. It's much more enjoyable when you don't look at hands, etc. Once I get the proprioception pretty well I expect I will speed up. I can hardly expect it to take just 3 weeks.

Make it Stick by Peter Brown
70% in. This is about the best way to learn/practice. Best book on the subject. Most important concepts are interleaving and retrieval (self quizzing). Don't mass practice, instead interleave. Jump from thing to thing. This gets it past the short term memory and into the long term. Don't just endlessly loop a passage for an hour on the piano. Loop a passage for a bit. Then another and so on. And then circle back around. Let it leave the short term memory and then... retrieve it. Bring it back using your memory. Every time you bring it back that way on your own it becomes stronger. People consistently have the illusion that mass practice works better. But for long term improvement interleaving works far better. In tennis hit a serve against a backboard followed immediately by two grounds strokes. Catch the ball and repeat. You have to be able to recall the different shots to mind quickly.

First Learn to Practice by Tom Heany
Useful book about music practice, had some additional ideas that combined with Make it Stick I have a basic piano practice routine. Something important is don't spend too much time just playing pieces from beginning to end. Common sense stuff. But very useful. Made notes elsewhere.

Elric and the Sleeping Sorceress by Michael Moorcock
A good blueprint for successfully writing something damnit. Go retrieve such and such magical artifact and use it to defeat some nemesis. Simple short stories in fantasy fiction setting. Got to find the time.

Thank god my friend Bekah seems to finally be better. Had a very typical manic episode it seems. Lasted the average amount of time. Financially ruined but no ruined relationships and she's not physically hurt. I must say though that seeing this and knowing that her brother is in his 30's and still lives at home really brings home that there is something seriously wrong with the other sister. Has helped me deal with the vicious thing she's doing though I hate to make it sound like there is anything positive to gain from the ordeal Bekah has suffered.

So my friend has now been admitted three times. The second was 23 days. This third time she refused to go to that place or the best place. A third place wouldn't take her for a reason that sounds more like they just wan't to get rid of her because she's incredibly difficult. She has now ended up someplace 3.5 hours away. I'm getting afraid she's not going to get better. She isn't just confused. She's like a different person. Very angry. You can't disagree with her. You can't even ask questions. I'm afraid she's going to end up divorced and homeless. And not really much I can do.

On to books.
Did I mention Empire of Silence? By Christopher Ruocchio. Soft science fiction in first person like they are very much telling a story. Vague Dune similarities. Prince but he gives it up rather than be forced to become something he abhors. Homeless for a while then works his way up through as a gladiator. Very much like Brent Weeks Night Angel in that regard. Now using his communication skills to communicate with the alien menace. And thus ends book one. Pretty good.

Did I mention the Vorrh by Brian Catling? I stopped 70%. May return. Someone said it was like Gene Wolfe. It's got some mystery going on and is pretty inventive. More impressive than Empire of Silence but not much of a page turner. No real heroes anywhere in sight. May finish someday. What's it really about? A weird guy with just one eye in the middle of his face who's fantastic in bed. Weird stuff going on in a forest. I don't hardly know what it's about.

6% into the On the Historicity of Jesus by Richard Carrier. Because of biological father who wants to convert me to Southern Baptist. Father is not a terribly intelligent man. Nor mother. Perhaps I'm much less so than I think. But still good lord, where did I come from? This book is depressing in that the evidence for his actual existence is terrible which confirms that people are stupid. Well it's depressing because I'd like to stay on good terms with my dumb father and I suspect sooner or later not being a christian will be an issue. Anyway I already knew the evidence for his actual existence was terrible. Wish I could be a christian but I can't just clap my hands and believe in things for which there is no evidence no matter that I wish I could. Or do I?

The Magician's Apprentice by Raymond Feist. It's like the prototype of the modern fantasy fiction story. But far less dark than what usually sells nowadays. A bit like TH White's The Once and Future King. But it's enjoyable. Very much so. 50% and will finish eventually.

12 Rules For Life by Jordan Peterson. A bestseller. I read the first rule about keeping your head up. He rambles on a bit much. Well way too much. Had a great beginning and a seemingly nice idea but kind of false advertising. Unlikely I will get around to finishing.

Muscle Memory and Imagery: Better Tennis by Archie Dan Smith.
This is a weird little book that cited some other good books and articles. Says really work hard at something for 3 weeks and you will more or less have permanently improved. This is certainly somewhat true. A year later I can still juggle three balls as good as ever after having worked at that for.... a month? Lots of things I like the idea of being good at. His talk of consolidation I think is important. Changing the way I practice the piano now. (much more repetitive). Disagree with his thoughts on interference. The paper he references is talking about a finger tapping sequence for only 6 minutes a day. Only partially applicable to other activities.

The Talent Code by Daniel Coyne. Meh. This guy's writing style is very annoying. Long winded and tries to pad it by adding stuff that isn't interesting at all. But occasionally something worthwhile. 57% in. Important subject.

Talent is Overrate by Geoff Colvin. Worse than Coyne. Thinks business people are something more than just lucky. Just started and may not get far but the subject is important to me.

House of Cards by Robyn Dawes. Reading because of my friend. Like Robert Whitaker pointing out American psychology is an absolute mess. Just started. Depressing. Not sure what to do for my friend. Ultimately her husband decides and he's not a reader, though a nice guy.

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericcson. This is far far better than the previous related books. 37% in. This fellow is the real deal in the degree to which he has spent his life analyzing experts. Muscians, etc. Though his deliberate practice rules aren't that great.
1. Get a really good teacher (incidentally points out studies proving business people just got lucky)
2. Push yourself to do things you can't currently do
3. Have well defined short term goals
4. Think hard about what you're doing
5. Recognize your mistakes, the adjustments you need to make
6. Improve your mental representations
7. Constantly modify and improve upon existing skills

Not a great list of rules. Anyway only 37% in and has a lot that is good though. Read about developing perfect pitch in children. As a result I've bought an app called Toned Ear. Maybe it's impossible at 45 but it's always been strange to me not having it, so attempting.

Also decided to work on juggling 4 balls. I can handle working hard for 3 weeks (which Ericcson has made no mention of, just Archie Dan Smith did without reference but it's common sense! More or less...) So three weeks of just the right hand juggling two. Then 3 weeks of just the left hand juggling 2 and then perhaps put together.

Additionally working on left handed forehand 4 days a week for 3 weeks. It's not terrible. I mishit it often and can't hit it anywhere near as hard as my right. But I can see improvement pretty much every time. So I'm going to stick with it for 3 weeks. Anyway a two hand backhand is hurting my back and I really dislike the grip change for a one handed backhand on the return of serve. I am now really crushing the ball with a continental grip on my dominant hand one handed forehand. Really improved when I went to an open stance. It's like my wrist flexibility improved. Used to be so awkward to hit topspin with continental grip in an open stance. Now isn't.

And being highly repetitive with Beethoven's 7th on the piano. Just the same one page everyday until I really truly got it. No time spent fooling around with other stuff. Though it gets boring I just keep playing that one page and really consolidating it. Really learning to not look at my hands. Feel bad for my wife hearing it so much.

Went back to the soul cairn in Skyrim. This comes the closest to that place I have seen in my mind for so many years. I have the music playing in the background. Replaying Skyrim for it. Almost didn't find it.

My friend, Bekah, is going to be admitted to the hospital for some kin of mania. It happened 8 years ago before I knew her. I was hoping if it ever looked like it might happen again, I could help and stop it. But I have hardly seen her since she started feeling bad. Just her husband, who is very nice but I think not terribly bright. And with her parents tonight driving back from Georgia, where S just moved. S who was my close friend for so many years and now hasn't spoken to me in over 3 years. No particular reason ever given. I was very very worried about her going down there. But then Bekah said she was better. And hasn't seemed to want any advice.

I don't think this is how it should work. But I think this is what they want. I suspect they are wrong.

My tennis is its best ever. Except that I can't take the heat. 92 today and couldn't make it 3 sets of doubles lol. Could play 5 sets of singles (against most people) if it was 20 degrees cooler. Gasquet forehand. Federer backhand. Laver serve. Trying to get back into endurance running. Hoping it will help me stand the heat. People 20 years older can handle it better. Yes, I had open chest heart surgery. But surely I can make it back. Decided to run despite the agony looming over me. (Kidney stone that was pushed back up into my kidney where it has sat for 4 years so far.)

Driving home from tennis started cramping. First the muscle on the underside of my jaw. Then I sneezed and my abdominals. At home cramps in my back. Feet. And I was hydrated. I guess I could have done more though. The cramping as I drive down the highway is a bit dangerous. Totally devoid of energy the rest of the day. But not ready to give up tennis in the summer. Only in my 40's.

Dune and partial Dune Messiah by Herbert. Really enjoyed. Always loved the Lynch movie. Book follows very closely. I can understand what a let down book 2 was, but that's exactly as expected. It's simply realistic which is what fantasy usually isn't. But Herbert had a realism to him.

Tried Thomas Covenant by Donaldson again. Gave up when he committed rape. Somehow I forgot that from before. Perhaps was seriously skimming previously. Before gave up because he was such a whiny bastard.

Warbreaker by Sanderson. I liked it and .... what was it even about again...???? Oh yes. Gods. Breaths. Enjoyed but find it not even worth describing now. A few people come back after death. They can then do one miracle which will kill them. In the meantime they will die if they don't take someone's breath each week. Other people can take breaths and have special powers they can use without dying. Yeah just too complicated like most magic systems by Sanderson. Needs to stay more mysterious.

30% into Sapiens by Yuval Harari. Going on about how we were better off as hunter gatherers. Meh. Otherwise enjoyable.

Have been reading David Foster Wallace. I used to turn my nose up at writers that commit suicide. But some of these people are hooked on medications and when they get out of whack they do unfortunate things. But being hooked on the medications doesn't mean they are without wisdom. Anyway liked that he's intelligent and talks about tennis. So I read some of his essays. Don't know that I will read Infinite Jest. Ultimately I didn't discover anything special. Just tennis musings combined with a bit of a brain which was nice.

I haven't written anything in the last week. I was away to Seattle for "work". I did read Thomas Disch, The Genociders, which is about how earth is turned into a one crop garden while other life is exterminated. Tad bit depressing. And Frank Herbert's The Heaven Makers which wasn't as depressing as the MC was very intelligent and sort of prevailed. About how immortal aliens are behind the scenes controlling our behaviors in order to make movies.

And now 1/3 into Zelazny's ten volume Amber. Which I had read a part of before. There is something about it I liked before. It has a certain feel. But also I listened to a part of an audio version where Zelazny was reading it and it really made it better. I vaguely recall being in New Mexico at the time. But maybe I wasn't. I don't know. Something though about it like while at the same time something about it don't such that I hadn't already read the whole thing despite being a voracious reader of fantasy for many decades. Too much intrigue /mystery where the motives seem largely pointless. (To rule Amber). And I ask myself, would I be happy to have written this? And the answer is no. But over and over such is the case. All the best writing I find myself thinking this. I wouldn't have bothered and that's probably why I haven't bothered. And I think perhaps it's a sort of nihilism about life. So much of the stuff of life I can't get into. And so I don't write.

But Song of Solomon. That was a book that I would have been pretty happy to write. I can't at the moment think of anything else really. Some short stories. Death of Dr. Island. Chun the Unavoidable. But that's different.

So I have to think more about this. Read more Morrison. More magical realism.

I don't know perhaps I would have pretty happy to write most of the first two Fitz trilogies.

Played really good tennis today. Using only an australian grip. Including hitting a lot of non-dominant hand forehands. Two hours of doubles. The worst player was a retired lady who used to play pro. Played Goolagong. And I hit a non-dominant one hand forehand. And two hand backhand. A one hand backhand slice. A one hand backhand drive. And hit it all OK. The left hand forehand needs work. Hit with the former pro exclusively left handed for 20 minutes afterward.

In Seattle there was a grand piano that I played a lot. Synthesizers are just not the same. I am going to buy a piano. Haven't had one in more than a decade. Want to get back to being able to have prelude in c sharp minor by Rach memorized and others. I miss memorizing music. Weirdly I wasn't good at that with the cello. But as it's almost always just one note at a time, it's so much easier to sight read. But memorized music is so much more enjoyable and I'm sorry but the piano is more enjoyable.

I took the ball machine and played for 90 to 120 minutes Wed, Thur, Fri Sat morning. I worked on hitting a western grip backhand like Kuerten. But then this morning I decided to just try an eastern backhand with my thumb up the handle like Budge. Late last night I was reading about stepping into the ball. So I decided to do that also. I don't even know if I had been!?!?! Well on the backhand, yes. But I think not really on the forehand.

And I decided my serving follow through should be like Sampras.

So I practiced a ton with the ball machine this week. Like I haven't done in forever I think. And then today, right before playing a match, I change the most basic thing about my forehand (making sure to step into the shot). And abandon the western backhand I just put 6 hours into and instead hit eastern with my thumb up the handle, which I have never practiced before.

So I previously had beaten this guy 6-0, 6-1. Though he's also beaten me previously. And of course I played not so great. Biggest issue was my forehand flying way long. And I guess that isn't surprising. But I was frustrated as I couldn't figure out what the issue was. Backhand wasn't very good. Though not terrible. Just missing tons of ROS forehands on very easy second serves.

To be expected as I suddenly was trying new things i hadn't practiced. Oh well.

Serve was really good though. Super high first serve percentage and hitting second about as hard. Got some aces and many service winners. And my opponent was an athletic guy with close to a 7 foot wingspan.

Oh well.

On the bright side I could put away deep no pace balls with stepping into them. Just got to figure out the ROS.

It's annoying as this guy has a terrible serve. I ought to be pouncing on it. Not hitting errors half the time and the rest just getting it back. Lost 6-1, 7-6, 6-3. Have my racquets weighted to 13.5 which is probably too high. But will give it a bit of time.

So against a ball machine that one hand backhand was pretty good. But my elbow / tri felt pretty sore after. And now wondering if I'm feeling the beginning of golfer's elbow from EFGF. Almost went away from both but I am going to try to stick with them for a while and see how I feel. Definitely feels the most effortless way to play. Just afterwards.... Just not sure my right elbow will hold up. But I won't prematurely abandon it. Using 8 ounce velcro weight a lot. Definitely improves my play. But maybe isn't helping elbow. It isn't hurting yet. But I can feel it a bit and have had such issues previously. Need to try to keep arm straight on serve like Lukasz Kubot. I just have to lean back without falling back, lol.

Watching the new Clash of Titans and it's terrible. Mostly. Compared to the original. And people like it. And they're stupid for doing so. And giving my opinion of the movie is meaningless in this stupid world. I still love the idea of Hollywood and making art that will make a positive difference for people. Beautiful things/dreams they will remember. It would be nice if cleaning house on the Weinstein types resulted in better movies being made. Things have really gone to hell. All the crap remakes. The drawn out CGI actions scenes. Three guys doing the soundtracks for the entire industry. Kevin Smith going about pitching his script and this guy wanted him to throw in a fucking giant mechanical spider that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Showed up in Wild West crap remake instead. Why are Mark Walhberg and Matt Damon even put in movies? Well Trump is president. This is the world.

So I've been using a racquet with a stiffness rating of 59. Chang's graphite longbody. Grip and lead tape up to 13.2 currently. Have been practicing with a 8 ounce velco weight which I think is really helpful. Been playing a one handed eastern forehand grip forehand. Little harder to find the groove but I think sticking with it is working. Not blasting a lot of winners but hitting decent pace. Few unforced errors. Return serve even pretty well. Really making sure to get a neutral stance. Can't hit with an open stance right now. Course I haven't practiced it.

Played a japanese lady who is awesome. Had two really close matches. The second one I was tired from playing the day before and not getting enough sleep. And my backhand just didn't have adequate power. On high balls anyway. Was happier with my slice. Think, yet again, about trying to hit a one hand backhand. Going to work on it today.

Serve. Trying to keep arm straight. Think that is important for my elbow. Had some really good serve days and some not so good. Think I just need to really practice it. Which I never do except when playing matches. Think I need to just try to hit one serve for like an hour straight, etc.

Canterbury Tales
First one, the Knights Tale. Two guys are both taken prisoner. Can't remember now if they were brothers.... They see a woman from afar and both fall madly in love. The one is released and eventually comes back incognito just to be close to this woman. The second finally escapes. And then they want to fight each other to the death over her. And there's this big stupid battle. The one wins but then falls off his horse and eventually dies. Emily wails for days over it. And I'm still trying to finish this boring tale. Lots of stuff about the planet gods, Mars, Venus, Saturn.

And goes on and on even describing the damn funeral. Who cares? And he says he won't tell us about a ton of stuff and in so doing is telling us about it. On and on. Is this humor?

"In Chaucer's story there are two heroes, who are practically indistinguishable from each other, and a heroine, who is merely a name. In the Italian poem it is possible to feel the interest in hero and heroine which is necessary if one is to be moved by a story. . . . In Chaucer's version, on the other hand, . . . it is hard to believe that anyone can sympathize with either hero or care which one wins Emelye." Yes.

Ridiculously long and boring speech at the end. 

I suppose love is usually exactly that stupid. I suppose kind of perfect actually. Makes about as much sense as my weird fascination with S, but part of that was like how I want to get the disabled pet from the animal shelter. Sadly same thing. And so I go after really crazy people. But a lot of it was her looks. Still the most attractive woman ever to me. Which is ridiculous. But just getting to be around her as a friend really kept me going in a way. And I suppose in a way the same is true of her sister though much less. Probably much less is a good thing. I guess. And they both managed to get themselves fired from where I work. They may not seem much alike but ultimately similar.

Anyway I was really hoping for something like the Telltale Lilac Bush. Hoping not all the stories are going on about Saturn and Mars and having big fights over women who barely get to even speak in the story. Except in this case to say she'd really rather not be with either. So there is that.

Tennis
Playing with Michael Chang OS graphite. stiffness rating 59 with NXT strung mains 47 crosses 43. Continuing to try to hit a Jack Sock forehand. Arm is OK so far.... Guess I had a lot of aces today against Qasim. Who can move well. Backhand is western/eastern backhand grip (heavy topspin backhand). Though I don't usually hit much topspin on it anyway. Will my arm stay OK?

Played 6'8" Drew last week. He won 7-5, 6-3. I could have played better no doubt. He played well though. Today against Qasim was first time I used Sock heavy topspin one hand forehand on ROS. Hit a lot of errors. Game was breaking down from being tired. Pulling away from ball, jerking/jumping. Meh. Despite extreme western grip.

Anyway though 2-6, 6-3 and won a tiebreak. One good thing is I'm moving decent thanks to 35 lb backpack on ellipitical.

So much crap. So changed a bunch of things again. Added weight to racquet. Back over 12 ounces for the Wilson Hammer System. Strung mains at 48/49 and crosses at 44/48. Trying to keep arm pretty straight on serve. Not serving very good. Now hitting backhand with Santoro grip. But also hitting a lot of backhand slice with same two hand grip. And forehand slice two hand like Santoro. Same grip. But then finally a lot of one hand forehand with western grip.

Rode bike all the way from Fairmont to Morgantown. 23 miles. I'm an idiot though and did it while thinking my bike was a 7 speed. When it's actually a 21 speed. So I was spinning those pedals and only doing 6 minutes miles, lol. I am a very stupid man.

This biking though is really improving my tennis. Really strengthened my legs. Not getting so tired now. Not at all. Beat Qasim 6-4, 6-2 tonight. Wore him down a bit. Even though my 1HFH fell apart it was good to begin and got ragged. Started open my shoulders too soon. Not in sync with racquet swing I think. Serve really nothing special either but ultimately I was still playing pretty good. Doing all the little things. Getting into position better for shots. Not hitting stupid errors on my backhand, etc.

Biking is hugely important to playing good tennis. Took me many years to figure that out. I'm not terribly intelligent. Provided I'm not comparing myself to others.

Arm I worry is close to hurting. Possibly trying to bend my elbow more on the serve. Perhaps leaning on handlebars....

Played in 4? USTA tournaments. This last one I lost in the first round but to a very good player. My main issue with my play was I had such a wimpy serve. That's why I've added weight back to the racquet. Although not making a meaningful difference I think. Also had local annual league tournament. Lost in semifinals to Cooke who is increasingly a bit of an ass. "Catty" is the word that comes to mind. Played in doubles final with Chang. He's 66. He really enjoyed it. Lost 8-6 in finals. He had fun. It was OK I guess. Though my serve fell apart at end and got broke.

Trying to play a lot of tennis tournaments while I can. Played three so far and entered both open and 35's for all three. Maybe that's not entirely fair to enter both. Some tournaments won't let you. Anyway this last tournament I had to quit halfway through my 4th match of the day. I was close to passing out from the heat. I was getting confused. And I had drank close to a gallon of water. But I just couldn't get my body cool enough.

I guess I could have put more ice in the two half gallon mini coolers. The water was barely cool that I was drinking before my last match. I suppose in the future I could just lug a whole cooler around filled with ice and wrap a towel soaked in it over me too at the changeover...?

So I quit against someone I was far better than. And then two days later I played again and quit far sooner. I just can't drink enough water to keep up with how much I'm sweating. And my sweating isn't cooling me down enough. In the future I guess for one I will not enter both the open and 35s. Maybe not entirely far anyway. Though today I had to quit and it wasn't a tournament and I had only been playing for 70 minutes (45 of which were just doubles). Additionally I could just bring a whole cooler with a soaked towel. I guess.

And I guess I can do more running to hopefully get a little better at cooling down. But all this sweating.. it's a constant struggle to maintain adequate hydration day after day. Worried I will have a kidney stone attack as a result of getting dehydrated. Because I simply sweat faster than I can absorb more water.

I didn't used to have such issues. This is old I guess.

I'm winning more matches than I'm losing but the competition has not been very good. Have lost 4 matches. Once because of heat. And three times because of good players. A great pusher. An older guy with a great serve. And another guy who was just all around a good player. I needed to be more aggressive against him. In general I'm not aggressive like I once was. I like it going in every time. But I don't hit enough winners.

Happiest I've been with my tennis today in a long time. Added a bit of lead tape at 12 o clock and serve was much better. Had a bunch of aces in winning 8-4 versus a guy who beat me the couple times we played two years ago. Additionally I felt like my agility was much better. Not sure if that's because of the 5 sets I played in the NM tournament or possibly the climbing machine. Just played a double continental. Mostly slice 2hforehand. Didn't even bother much with one handed. Really doubt it makes me any better. And pretty flat backhand. I really want to make the grip switch like Pancho Segura did with hitting a 2hbh on dominant side but I figure I should practice with a ball machine some first.

Won the 35 and over division but there was only one other guy in it... Hope to play at least 5 total tournaments this summer. So far have won 5 and lost 3. Not that that means anything at all.

There was something else but I don't remember now.

Love this time of year. Just getting dark at 9pm. So verdant outside. Bamboo grove is getting huge. Stupid deer eating all my pond plants. Having a son is so wonderful I worry it's a dream I will wake up from.

Playing better tennis I think. Whoopee. Hitting one hand heavy topspin forehands (western) with a closed stance and starting to feel confident it's going to go in. Beat that 6'8" guy who made the finals of the Fitzwater 6-3, 6-1. Bending knees on my serve now somewhat (not perfectly consistently, depends on ball toss) thanks to climbing machine that I really like.

I can say now with certainty that chocolate has played a huge role in my creativity. I say this with some shame. I hate to think my creativity depends on such a thing. But, I didn't touch the stuff for years because of headaches issues and my creativity pretty much disappeared. I have tentatively brought it back. Just a bit here and there (while avoiding all other headache triggers) and my mind is just running off on all kinds of flights of fancy. Like it once did. Though I'll never eat it as much as I once did. Too much creativity may be dangerous.

So I read Planet Narnia followed by all but the last half of the last battle. It didn't ultimately make me a writer. Maybe I should take up smoking? Now reading Assassin's Fate by Robin Hobb. It's quite good. Looks like it's going to tie everything up. Bringing a lot of stuff together. Hasn't made me cry though.

So I think the weighted back pack made my sternum separate a bit. Slight discomfort when yawning. Lots of cracking, etc when rolling over in the recliner. Sent a message to surgeon about getting an x-ray. It's tolerable I guess but pretty sure it hasn't completely healed. Hope it gets better than this. Though I never notice it with running or tennis.

I broke that kinetic racquet. Reflexively through when getting very frustrated with unforced errors when play Jay (winning ugly) C. He kept hitting a high bouncing junk ball to my backhand. Previously I handled it fine but in the tournament I kept hitting unforced errors on it (so of course he just kept hitting the same junk.) I eventually figured it out but by then I had lost the first set 6-2. And broke my racquet. Not a premeditated throw. Hate it when I see pro's purposely break their racquet.

Occurred to me to keep my arm straight and then maybe I can hit a one hand forehand without injury. Have been doing that for a couple weeks and haven't had arm issues. For the heck of it I also switched to a very light oversized racquet. Hammer system thing. Weighs a little less than 11 ounces. Until I add a grip which means it's very headlight anyway. Plenty of power with it. Hitting too many unforced errors with one hand forehand so far. But liking it for now. And hitting ROS two handed. Also really practicing one hand backhand. Secret is to not use wrist. Hope to eventually really use it in matches. With the exception of the two hand forehand slice, one handed feels better. At least when hitting topspin.

Oh what else. Getting pretty bored talking about tennis. Rereading Chron of Narnia. I do believe Planet Narnia is true but I don't think it's a really big deal. Lewis was a good author. I loved these books as a kid. Of course someone could write the same today (and assuming they weren't already a well known, prolific writer and cambridge professor) and they probably wouldn't get published.

I still vaguely think of writing.

Started playing MTG with Bekah and her fiance. Since perhaps September of 2016. Finally put together a good standard deck. White mono for standard. Won 5 out of 9 in local tournament and really should have won 6 out of 9 at least in terms of how good the deck was. And of course I put it together entirely on my own, didn't look it up online.

So whatever to that, kind of silly. But you know, such is life. Think I could have really loved it when I was about 12. I will continue to play it. Though I suspect I'll eventually get a tad bored. And I can't imagine ever playing Modern. Far, far, far more cerebral than other card games. Possibly too cerebral. Too time consuming. If you're not just copying a deck.

With the "loose ball bearing racquet". The kinetic? Oversized, extra long racquet. With it I've been playing very well. Using a double continental grip and trying to serve kind of like McEnroe. Beat Ron something 6-0, 6-3, 4-2. Previously I've always won but our matches have been much closer. He gets everything back. And today beat Drew the 6'8" high schooler, 6-3, 6-1. We had played 4 times previously and he won each time, including 6-1. 6-0, 6-0 the previous time. So I'm playing really well now. People are having a really hard time breaking my serve. Drew did once in almost 3 sets. Ron the same I think. Feel like my forehand is nothing. But it's working. Lots of slice. Lots of drop shots. Along with hitting it flat. Controlling the horizontal really well. And my agility is improving. Using elliptical with a weighted pack.

Worried my arm is going to start hurting. Feel the slightest hint of the beginning of that. Not sure if it's the racquet or the elliptical plus tennis plus hitting a one hand forehand exclusively for a while. Or a bit of all three... May stop using arms on elliptical for a while.