Far be it for me to expect any of you to ever break free.
Far be it for me to expect any of you to rise above.
Far be it for me to ever expect any damm worthwhile thing from any of you.

I shall live and die without experiencing any exceptions. It used to amaze me. Now I understand the true horror of it a bit better. Was it better to be perpetually amazed? No, no, no. It is at least a breaking free. Just here and there I still try to actually live, just a little, unfortunately.

Really liking Gene Wolfe lately. Like the dreaminess. If it's something ugly. Better to be asleep. And so may I tolerate what remains of this "life" in a somewhat asleep state.

Was going to see some cellists play Metallica today with S and literally 15 minutes before I was leaving my dad made me take him to the ED instead. (He's fine.) Somehow this triggered some mysticism in me. To be exact the old belief in an evil god who's got it in for me. And I dunno. Something more. Just an avanlanche of disgust with this world. Something that wasn't a big deal suddenly became a big deal and I dunno. Feel like it caused me to take a step back and really look in horror at things that I'm trying so hard to just ignore. This world is so horrifically wrong, wrong, wrong. So hard to stand the wrongness of it. So hard to just stay myopic and try to enjoy the little things sometimes.

Right now I kind of want to scream and break things. Not something that's happened in a long time.

The way to interact in 2012 in the industrialized world is to give affirmations to whatever anyone says. Who cares whether or not they're right or wrong? It doesn't matter. The truth is useless. What matters is feeling good about yourself. And that happens only by others agreeing with you.

From the point of view of a crude barbarian, who's life consists generally of killing and being killed, the industrialized world is a shining heavenly utopia. To an angel though, the industrialized world is a dystopian pile of rotting corpse.

The angel wants to destroy it. The barbarian just thinks the angel is nuts. The angel wants to destroy relationships because they're all hollow anyway. And because apparently things need to get worse in order for there to be any chance of them getting better. Destroy all the light/hollow friendships. Remove all pretense of friendliness. Don't give people anything positive to hold on to, because all such is just lies. All such just takes away from The Truth. This world is dead, empty, meaningless, banal, pointless. This world must be destroyed.

But it doesn't need destroyed because it's already in the process of being destroyed. But the dying may take centuries. And during the long drawn out process of dying we are in a meaningless time, in meaningless lives.

Speed up the dying?

No. Because most likely what comes next will be even uglier and will also take centuries. There is nothing for it but that life is meaningless and empty. It is now and it still will be 40 years from now.

The imagery I conjure doesn't make total sense but then it's just symbolic. I vaguely imagine a massive wave falling upon all, and/or the entire planet somehow falling. The last instant; partying your ass off as the bubonic plague sweeps across the land.

Immediately, life is so much better.

And it's not a short term solution. It's worked smoothly for like a year now, except for a very few short bits where I forgot...

Concerning last post, I had forgotten this is the last instant of the world and I no longer have a moral obligation to see all that is wrong around me, all that might possibly need changing. I'm free now.

Dad says after teaching these last 40 years and watching his students slowly getting stupider and stupider he's come to the conclusion that it's hopeless. "I can't change the world. We're doomed."

Absolutely correct.

But considering that chocolate goes well with wheat (cookies, brownies, etc), how would another "starch"? Say a baked potato with a hershey bar melted on top? Hmmm?

Today I found that a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato was quite good.