70% into The City at the End of Time by Greg Bear. Reading it because of similarities to John Wright's Nightfall. But it's terrible compared to Wright. The laws of time and nature are broken and stuff just randomly happens and it just makes it seem like Deus ex machina overdrive. Lacking the mystery and scariness of Nightfall. Also jumps around way too much. I hate the jumping around in general. It's remarkable how bad this is compared to Wright. Also has a weird YA feel to it. Reminds me of the last Clive Barker pinhead book, where they're in hell and quipping jokes, wandering around like on a hike at a national park. It just so completely misses the mark.

In other news my wife texted my mom asking if she could look for my missing dulcimer case. And mentioned I'm having to repair the damage that my brother in law did. Said nicely, just fyi.

She of course responded with drama. She claims it had to be my nephew. And tells my sister that I said it was damaged who responds that I'm a nasty person and nephew can't keep his musical equipment at my house.

It's unusual I guess just how much I dislike my mother. I will not care at all when she leaves this world. It makes me sick that I'm so closely related to her. I hope her personality and intellect doesn't pop up in any descendants. I find it funny that she chose a pathological liar amongst other things over her son. But then as little as I think of her she might as well.

For the 4th OSC (136) I came in 27 out 40. Ambivalent about it. I was trying a new genre. It felt a bit wonky. Should have scrapped it early. Not good enough at realizing something isn't "cool" enough. Then I got too attached. It's almost good. But just off. For 137 I have something I think is better though not terribly original so far.

So in the OSCs I came in 20 out 22, 36 out of 51, 30 out 39. I deserved better each time but I wrote a less popular genre and didn't use drums. These people want a lot going on and definitely drums. Good drums. So for the 4th try that's what I have done. I don't quite like it. Perhaps it will score slightly better I guess..? Trivigaunte using Odin2. Complextro. Some good comments. Next up Hy poly, which I guess I better really figure out some drums first and foremost and then

Otherwise still writing ambient/new age in odd time sigs. Think my sounds need to improve though. Samples. Acoustic stuff. Maybe piano. And have to write more stuff using just a couple things. Like reaktor and/or Massive x. The free synth stuff just doesn't quite fit.

I have mulliganed my OSC submission. Definitely not Chocolate Falafel. I wrote 3 songs with Tricent. It's a frustrating synth. The third is Infinite Repository. I will go with that one. Trying to now wait very late to submit. Thinking of any way I can improve stuff.

My top ten:

A Journey's End
Quiet Peace Enfolding
Space Needle Rain
Real Life Caricatures
Roller Rink

I Slept As Never Before
Neptunus
Infinite Repository
Rucker Park
"Tricent Ambient"

Top 5 are pretty decent. Perhaps the piano one is a bit repetitive considering it's piano. But I really enjoy listening it. I need to mess with Neptunus. I like it yet it got voted almost last place lol. I still really think it's a worthy song. I will really shorten it and lessen the detuned strings. Possibly knock it from 5.5 to just 3 minutes...... Rucker Park is maybe badly named. Maybe goes on too long. "Tricent Ambient" needs improved I think. Somehow. Needs a name I guess. Infinite Repository I like. Just not very happy with Tricent. I Slept As Never Before I also like. It didn't do well enough in the OSC. That has turned me against it. Someone said it was "slow". ...It's called I slept as never before, were you expecting EDM? Space Needle Rain the brass is still a little iffy to me. But Rink, End and Enfolding are damn perfect. I spent forever mastering End. (Green Eugene, ValhallaSupermassive, Luftikus, TDR Kotelnikov, Loudmax, JS Event Horizon Limiter/Clipper)

Guess I wrote 4 songs in last 3.5 weeks. A Journey's End. 5/4. But keep on revising.
Space Needle Rain. 9/8 and 4/4. Different from my usual. Almost twin peaks. My first 9/8.
Chocolate Falafel. For OSC. Not really a good one. Not the genre I want to do. Dislike Tricent vst. Submitted on 15th. Should wait till at least 25th.
Tricent Ambient. Probably should have submitted this. Again though, not quite happy with Tricent. I guess some people did decent stuff with it but I found it harsh and not versatile. So didn't want to spend too much time on it. But still should have waited longer.

I keep on making small revisions. I'd like to think I'm halfway to a decent O'Hearn like album. Maybe. Still need to improve. Enjoying odd times but I need to do more, change keys and times within songs. And more emulating.

Got 37th out of 51 for I slept as never before. It took quite a few weeks but I am gradually less enamored of it. 7/4 is nice and it has a pleasant feel. But still seems a tad slow and simple.

So the day after previous post I got vote results and came in 20 out of 22. I didn't expect to do well as I said but it was still surprisingly bad. Depressed me in that I think it was better than that. Wife and nephew (who has written a ton of music) agreed. Most entries were very EDM and it seemed like they showed that they're narrow minded. But, anyway, possibly it influenced me to spend money. Maybe not. Hard to say. Anyway I bought Komplete 12 which includes Massive X and a ton of other good stuff about ten days ago. I then redid my OSC 134 entry with Massive X,
I slept as never before.
And I edited up what I had called "Reasonable" but changed to Roller Rink. It's improved. Though still a tad bombastic and repetitive at the end.
And then I wrote two more. Rucker Park which was supposed to be EDM. Didn't work out that way but every time I hear I think it's actually really pretty good. And Quiet Peace Enfolding. I love the smooth flute sound in it from Massive X. It's in 12/8. I was hoping to write 3 songs a month. 36 songs in a year is really pretty good. (If they're any good.) I'm very easily going faster than that, though the quality still needs to get a bit better. I do feel like these recent ones are my best ever. Now I'm having some success with a trancelike song. Trying to be influenced by Paul Oakenfold.

Want to write borderline ambient stuff in weird time signature and also trance/EDM type stuff. Have recently written a 7/4 (I slept as never before), 5/4 (Roller Rink) and 12/8 (Quiet Peace Enfolding). They're all really decent I think...?? That's my one genre. Stuff that soothes. Not really ambient. But on the slow side. And I think I'm going to get the hang of trance/EDM it looks like. Stuff that gives energy. But that will surely be slower. I need to have patience with it and not get bored of songs and move on too quickly.

I for one am enjoying the pandemic. So far.

Thinking back on the previous 6 songs I posted. Neptunus, Real Life Caricatures, Stray Monsters, Cooperative Time Travel, Twilight Race and Flying Sebastians. Neptunus is really damn good. Vote results are today. It may not do that great in the voting as that competition is about complexity and making tons of good instances from a free vst. I didn't really have that many unique instances. But I created a hell of an atmosphere. And now I have found that for high pitched smooth (non-piercing) strings, what I made in cheeze machine 2 sounds better than bazille (130$), Hive2 (150$) and Minimonsta (1?0$) at least. So I have saved it as a template and added it to one more or less completed songs and am now using it on another.

Real Life Caricatures is pretty good though I suppose kind of dark. Not what most like. Cooperative Time Travel is ok. The others not quite as good. There is something missing but I can't easily put my finger on it. And I need to be able to determine what. I guess Stray Monster might be the weakest. But I might be influenced by some asshole ridiculing it. I enjoy listening to it. But it doesn't fit in any existing genre. It's out on its own. And that's a problem I guess for most listeners. One issue I think is that especially for instrumental music I do generally need a lot more instances. This isn't rock music. Without vocals it seems you need to compensate with a ton of different musical "voices".

Submitted for the next OSC is "I slept as never before".
I Slept As Never Before
Has a poem with it Sleeping in the Forest by Mary Oliver. I like it a lot. For this month (April) could use any one synth. Just had to have birds in it. Again I didn't pander to what I assume is most likely to do good. Instead went with what most generically makes sense with bird song. Birds don't combine that great with 30 different synth sounds. So what I wrote is simple. I guess not as good as the previous month but I really like it. But I'm having to think of the poem a bit to do so. Others probably aren't thinking of the poem as they listen. It's in 7/4 time which is a first for me. I find the melody very iconic and memorable. Timeless.

So then right after that in just a couple days I knocked out a piece in 5/4. Something I hadn't done before. Having trouble naming it.
Reasonable
It's very happy and when too happy I automatically dislike. Happy equals sappy to me. Thing about happy in music is that what we equate as happy is really just the most simplistic sound ratios. This is in 5/4 though which adds complexity. But still it's bombastically happy. And it was so easy to write. Thus making it feel very simplistic. I could go back and add chords to turn it slightly less happy. I suppose. Or I could learn to not ridicule the concept of being really happy. For the latter how I name it could play a role. At first named this "Free at Last" as I was thinking of my poor nephew who is trying to survive till his freedom. (Which could be any day as I've offered to let him live at my house or could be one more year.) But when I think of that title I immediately think "Lord god almighty, I"m free at last!" and it feels like a parody. So then trying to think of synonyms for free....
...I think I'll just name it Reasonable. Though it sounds pedestrian it's actually one hell of an ideal that almost no one I personally know has succeeded in obtaining.
And the drums are too repetitive. I will randomly make them a bit less repetitive I guess.

I also wrote other stuff not as good. It's important to push yourself. Wrote some microtonal I wasn't quite happy with. Centrifugal. Asked on a microtonal group for feedback. 50 listens. Only a couple people said they like it. Of course I kind of like it. But when everyone else says they don't I feel a tad like I must be nuts and feeling like you're nuts, feels a lot like a collossal failure. Of course I only partially feel that way. Another part of me recognizes the problems with that. But the seed is there. Not necessarily growing but there. There was another worse microtonal. And then an attempt at industrial dub. I'm putting the microtonal on hold except for nuanced stuff (Young, Pythagorean). I will keep attempting industrial/trance/techno which I'm not good at. Next attempting to really use my TAL sampler.

So it's been a bit over two months since I started trying to really write music again. So far I have spent over 500 dollars on vsts. Things I bought that I no longer use (it takes months to figure that out):
TALMOD 60 dollars
TAL UNO LX 60 dollars
I love the idea of TALMOD. I didn't like that it wasn't microtonal. And I have finally come across stuff that just has a better sound. TAL UNOLX I bought without demo'ing it enough. The sound just doesn't fit well in my stuff...
Bazille 130 dollars
I bought this because I wanted something that was FM and microtonal. It's a pretty good sound but it's not really FM. Not in the true sense of the word. Perhaps it you're amazing at programming it can manage. I have used in some songs. It can make a nice sound but not using it much.
Hive2 150 dollars
Very popular with a nice sound. I have used it with some success. Not quite my favorite but it's pretty good.
TAL Sampler 60 dollars
I need to use it more. Haven't used samples like I should. They take more work. It's hard in that my house is always loud. Really there isn't a time I can make samples unless I get up in the middle of the night while everyone is sleeping.
Synthmaster 2.9 90 dollars (and then it was 60 the next day)
Terrible name but sounds the best of anything I have. Just starting to use it. Trying to learn int.
Minimonsta 140 dollars...??
Love the morphing function and has a cool sound. Really wish other vsts had the melohman octave.
FRMS (Imaginando)  60 dollars
I really wanted something granular. This was only 60 while Quanta is 100 and Straylight is 200. Probably not a great buy though. I like straylight's sound much better.
Kick, Clap and Snare from 2getheraudio 30 dollars


Geez that's 800 dollars. Most kind of wasted but it's so hard to know. Some have limited time demos and it can take months to really know. Those with unlimited time have periodic crackles that could drive you crazy if you waited a few months to decide.

https://soundclick.com/r/s8c7uq
Stray Monsters- I really like it. I have vocals written that I haven't added. In part because, again, it's never quiet enough in the house. I have been told it sucks. That it's just wandering around aimlessly. Like Bach. I like it. But such criticisms have affected me and I will try to do different in the future.
Additional issues are that it's only a few instances when it ought to be 30 at a bare minimum. For this kind of song. But the melohman octave keeps it varied despite being a few instances.

https://soundcloud.com/translucenttelemachy/empphryio-neptunus-osc133
This is for the OSC competition using a free synth called Cheeze Machine 2. At the time I thought the vst was terrible. I don't plan on using it again. But it did get a few cool sounds. Competition hasn't voted yet. This is probably too slow. Not high enough energy. And not complicated enough to do well. Also the second melody sound conflicts a bit with the bass. But I liked it. This vst was pretty much incapable of drums and I didn't try to force it.

https://soundcloud.com/translucenttelemachy/real-life-caricatures
This is Straylight piano, plus HG piano (HG in pythagorean fifths for detuned effect) and minimonsta. I like it a lot. But not the sort of thing people are into. But I really like it. Enough to try to put in on a streaming service?? Probably not....??

https://soundcloud.com/translucenttelemachy/twilight-race
Originally written using z3ta+ (1 or 2...? I found both free. No longer available for sale.)
Then I went back and replaced everything with Hive 2 except one sound. It's high energy. A bit bland. Drums aren't doing anything interesting. Good enough for streaming service like Amazon...? Not really. Not quite.

https://soundcloud.com/translucenttelemachy/cooperative-time-travel
This is perhaps my favorite though it feels so fast that it's a bit exhausing to listen to. The bells at least slow it down a bit and has the slow part in the middle. Hive 2 possibly with a few other bits. Maybe my best. I guess.

https://soundcloud.com/translucenttelemachy/flying-sebastians
Originally I really liked  the slow morph of resonance I had going with Bazille. It seems like I reduced it maybe a bit much or got used to hearing it. Now I don't like the very beginning. Perhaps a bit murky in middle. Like the previous two it has bluearp doing a octave arp throughout most, which maybe gets a bit exhausting.

For a bit over two months when I was spending a lot of time demo'ing/acquiring. I managed to write 6 I think decent songs. (And others that aren't so good. A couple blah microtonal and an ambient that is sort of soothing but doesn't compare well to others out there. And many more not completed..) Compared to what I did before I think they're an improvement. But not good enough. Not even close. Maybe entering the OSC each month will help me. Need more instances. More variation and better sounding drums. More variations in volume and how much is happening. And VOCALS!

My nephew is into music and has a 17 year old friend that thinks he's some kind of hotshot composer/musician. I like some of his music though I like mine better. I told him one of his songs I didn't care for it (I was nice about it) and he responded a bit like a nut trashing me as a composer, going on and on about how I had no idea what I was doing and sounded absolutely terrible. He then attempted suicide for at least the 3rd time a few hours later (I hope it was unrelated but I do wonder if guilt played a role, along with the harmful anti-depressants he's on and just not being super smart... His mom says he should stop the medications and he continues them because he hates her....). Music is a subjective. It only bothers me a little having mine ridiculed. I do think it can improve certainly. Will keep trying.

....and I changed my mind. Bazille maybe isn't so good for FM. Demo'd FM8. Sounds so much better and does correct ratios like Dexed. Bazille does a lot of junky sounds when I try FM and doesn't have the ratios. Fm8 and Dexed aren't full microtonal but Zebra2 is and it appears to be much better for FM than Bazille.

As to tal uno lx, bazille does those sort of sounds better and also repros. Also hive 2, seems better. Though I shouldn't have bought it.

I downloaded all my old computer music onto new. Didn't go well. A lot of song files won't open because certain vsts won't transfer. And it seems I deleted all the song files I most wanted. Almost all the microtonal and the good piano. I think i used z3ta+... And my favorite. "Yeah I heard it."

I think I can recreate it... but I would like to know what synth that was. I may have only used it once.

I was happier playing piano. The recording music is frustrating and ultimately harder/more time consuming and so far more expensive (spent about 400 so far and it's mostly probably bad buys) and less rewarding.

I know the end result will be silence. But I wan't something I believe enough in to really push, try to get out on the big streaming sites.

Played great tennis this weekend.
Ball toss is from right to left. Keep racquet faced closed throughout forehand.

One FM, one subtractive and one sampler all with full microtonal capabilities and of course good sound. Additionally no big companies if possible. And yes it is possible. TAL Sampler, UNO LX and Bazille. And lots of fx etc.

I was using TALMOD and Dexed but neither does microtonal. Not sure unolx can replace it by itself... will see. Certainly sounds good though. So now learning bazille which is cool. More possibilities than Dexed and seems to be capable of the same sounds. Finding I like "FM" more.

Chorus patches layered on drums seem good. Possibly also for vocoder. Hard to say. Some promising vocoder sounds but sometimes not quite good enough.

Using Sevish scale workshop for creating tuning temperaments. Wrote a couple incomplete things that sound good lately. Including some vocals, vocoder and not that are better than before.

I don't have time for this and piano. I will attempt to mostly maintain somehow.

I feel mortal. And that something bad will eventually happen at work. Or not but probably will still die. Hope I get a couple more decades.

Much that I failed at to varying degrees with electronic music I'm trying again at now. It has been 5 to 8 years ago that I gradually gave up.

Some new plugins are the TAL stuff along with Tunefish4. This is based off of listening to KVR one synth monthly challenge for last ten plus years along with numerous best plugin lists. At first I was thinking u-he along with crystal but actually there is something special about the first mentioned imo.

There is new tech out now. Drums are easier. Useful books more readily available. CPU is not an issue. Nor is money really. Also I'm satisfied that hardware isn't some holy grail.

I will figure out low latency midi/audio in on my gaming computer damnit. Having much harder time than previous computers. And I will get a vocoder working. And a sampler in the true sense.
I will write better stuff. Less repetitive. Read some mixing books. Possibly the 500 piano hours will help.

As to piano in attempting to increase my "storage capacity" I'm rotating through 3 days separate days of repetoire. Mostly improving stuff and reremembering past stuff. I have about 10 memorized and another 5 half memorized. I feel like my ability to improvise is improving by making educated guesses as to what comes next.

As to piano I became unhappy with forgetting past pieces. So I have refreshed Rachmaninoff c sharp prelude, chopin funeral march and reremembering Beethoven's 19th and Gladiolus Rag...and Beethoven's7th 2nd movement. Along with continuing to play the 5 Bach pieces I learned and trying to find time to learn Chopin nocturnes and maintain canon in d, Pathetique 2nd movement. Etc
Along with Really learning the technical details of some synthesizer stuff and having two small children. So not enough time.

Put aside John Field for now and little to no meaningful time spent sight reading.

And I still have friends who want to do stuff together.

My nephew wanted to borrow a few musical instruments. By chance I also gave him my microbrute. Which is a hardware analog synth. I have that and also an ensoniq esq and casio cz 101 but I never really did much with them. I had one piece i did with a hardware synth. I think the ensoniq...? It was good but I lost interest. I did make ten hours with soft synths.

I gave it to him and it stimulated my interest. I wanted to mess around with the microbrute's sequencer. I never hardly had before. It was an impulse buy while I was very sick. One of the first affordable analog synths. But it sounds very dirty, brutish. Not "warm" or "organic". Cold and metalic and just rough. But with the sequencer going fast (and perhaps a good reverb pedal) could still make something nice.

So while he had it for 3 weeks or so I wondered and watched some videos. I have it back now. And I have a much better understanding of how to use it finally. Reverb pedal should arrive today.

But it's really quite limited. Monophonic. Only one LFO. I actually downloaded a couple apps to try to get a second LFO. (It's semi-modular.) But they don't work great. It's so limited I got to thinking about buying another. Maybe even a eurorack.

But as opposed to spending thousands I recall I had all kinds of free soft synths that could do tons and tons of stuff. And analog is mostly kind of harsh anyway it seems.

So time permitting I want to go back to softsynths. I want to use some from way back along with a few new. I want to really learn how to use Crystal, which as hardware would probably be 2 grand at least. I want to improve my understanding of Synth1. Also want to get better at synth drums.

I got away from it because electronic music isn't so great for live performance. But for live the only things that really give harmony plus melody like I want are guitar and keyboards. And I just prefer keyboards. They can look a bit goofy live but that's what I prefer. And you certainly can play a softsynth with a keyboard controller. So what the hell.

I can sit around pleasantly strumming a guitar. And ok that's nice. But I still would like to make Skinny Puppy /Download type music and I would like to be able to make just about any sound using a synth, not clicking through presets.

And I'd like to make decent drums. It's something I failed at previously. I don't like to give up.

So I'm trying to improve at long distance running, tennis, piano and guitar. I'm pretty sure i will never again have time for the 40 by 20 foot enclosed raised bed garden i made and am considering removing it for some weeping willows. Possibly just let the bamboo go wild. I have a gaming computer but taking a break from that. Hopefully Hawthy will start playing elder scrolls and enderal on it soon.

No time for cello. Writing looms in the distance. Continuing to write my somewhat deep thoughts down elsewhere. Reading Wolfe's entire solar cycle now. Which i had read halfway through before. And read new sun at least 3 times probably more.

My running goal is sub 19 5k/ sub 40 10k. Or say 9 miles in an hour. My PBs are 21 5k, 7:53 pace for 8 miles. To somehow improve at my advanced age i'm trying easy intervals instead of much slower easy continuous runs. Easy continuous runs never did anything for me really before.

My fingers are toughened up for guitar. Need some good books though to start learning songs instead of chords. Barre chords are so hard. A major barring is possibly impossible for me. Barring at all on a 12 string, even scalloped..for get it. Was trying dgdgbd tuning that way. Maybe if i removed the lowest d like keith richards. Or maybe remove the 3rd and 4th string and tune the lowest 2 to like an e and something else? Also got a nylon classical so now i have 4 different kinds of guitars.

Learning canon in d on piano now. Really an easy one. Attempting to play entire gladiolus rag and chopin funeral once through everyday. It's a mental stretch to do both entirely. Also trying to find time for Nyman's heart asks pleasure. Just this is time consuming. If i wasn't also running and playing guitar everyday...

Everything one hand continental works great if playing someone who hits flat. But not as good against really heavy topspin. But I'm going to stick with it. I really need to practice high forehands though.

There is a mindset that it's better to be really good at one thing then ok at many. I highly disagree. Doing just one thing is boring and it's not really a competition. Music certainly shouldn't be anyway. The whole "i am a guitar god!" mindset is a perversion. It's about whatever song you are playing, not you. Same with piano.

In tennis and running (races) you are directly in competition with others but i don't care much about winning, just doing well. I'd much rather play tennis well and lose than win ugly / get my opponent to play bad. In running i just want to run fast with hardly any effort a long way.

Trying to learn Nyman's Teh Heart Asks for Pleasure First. It's a bit different and just strangely ...counter-intuitive and so it took 4 days to get the first 2 pages. But pushing yourself at such things is good. Feel like I'm a better player for it. Today did the first two lines of page 3 which are just very strange to me. They just don't follow much of any seemingly musical pattern. Took like at least two hours. Maybe 3, to slowly play (and memorize) those two lines. The first line took the vast majority of that time. Just very weird and I can't imagine something any harder to memorize excluding random non-music junk. Feel like I've broken my brain now. And my body for that matter but I think I'm just not feeling great today.

I really could have just spent another week on Pathetique 2nd movement. And I'm sure I will have forgotten it a bit when I come back to it. (I'm too exhausted to play more now). But it's a given that you memorize something, then forget it and rememorize and each time it should stick a bit stronger.

So I need to "brush up"/rememorize that and a few others. Almost finished (memorizing) 2nd page of beethovens 7th 2nd movement also. That's the one I love how it sounds. Nymans I barely like. But if I can mostly finish it in a week or so that's not too terrible to stand.

Fundamentals of Piano Practice by Chuan Chang
Good book that I'm 30% into. Probably best book I've found. Talks about 5 kinds of music related memory. Says I don't need to do a bunch of Hanon and scales and Czerny. Good.

Teh Verdant Passage: Prism Pendant by Troy Denning
First in a series. Light d and d reading. I like this stuff. I need to write it. My friend wants me to be our d and d dungeon master. So reading up. Enjoyable.

Great Pianist on Piano Playing by James Francis Cooke
Very old book that I'm 36%. Interesting to hear about how this stuff was 100 years ago. Piano is somewhat timeless. I like the idea of playing music that has been around a centuries.

Playing the Piano for Pleasure by Charles Cooke
33%. emphasizes building a repertoire. OK.

Ton of mostly piano related book samples.

As to Zelazny's Amber I am pretty sure part of my like of it was that I had an audiobook version read by Zelazny. Just one of the books in the middle. The way he read it made it so damn cool. But I have now read the first 5 or 6 books and become disillusioned. Somehow it didn't keep its "promises".

Just read the Anubis Gate by Tim Powers and thought it extremely good. Don't know how I didn't know of him. Going to read more by him. Time travel and a very detailed early 19th century England with plenty more, Byron and Coleridge and Egyptian gods and gypsies. Really good.

Started Beloved. The characters are so damn good compared to fantasy fiction. But I've seen the movie a couple times and it seems to follow very closely...

I wrote while I wasn't being athletic because of my broken toe and basically stopped once it was better and I was back to tennis a few times a week. Why? Not laziness. Just so disillusioned with my stories. They aren't very good. Feel like I need to start over but I haven't somehow started.

Also I finally got a piano again after 15 years. Just about memorized moonlight sonata so far which I had previously only been able to sight read. But memorizing is so much more enjoyable. And some other things. First page of Bach's famous toccata and fugue. Fur Elise. I really missed it. Could just happily play and play with no time left for other things. The internet changes things. I can tune it myself now thanks to amazon and youtube. I can easily find good free sheet music and immediately hear a recording of anything. Would have made things very different back in 1988.

But starting to feel unhappy that I'm not writing. Wondering if I should try to salvage what I was working on. Or just totally go back to the drawing board while trying things a bit different. Thinking to make the lead more heroic, more "Gary Stu". Avoiding any mentions of ever having been a child. And writing more linear with a bit less outlining. Ending up with a ton of junk that needed extreme editing actually really lost my interest, finally.

I haven't written anything in the last week. I was away to Seattle for "work". I did read Thomas Disch, The Genociders, which is about how earth is turned into a one crop garden while other life is exterminated. Tad bit depressing. And Frank Herbert's The Heaven Makers which wasn't as depressing as the MC was very intelligent and sort of prevailed. About how immortal aliens are behind the scenes controlling our behaviors in order to make movies.

And now 1/3 into Zelazny's ten volume Amber. Which I had read a part of before. There is something about it I liked before. It has a certain feel. But also I listened to a part of an audio version where Zelazny was reading it and it really made it better. I vaguely recall being in New Mexico at the time. But maybe I wasn't. I don't know. Something though about it like while at the same time something about it don't such that I hadn't already read the whole thing despite being a voracious reader of fantasy for many decades. Too much intrigue /mystery where the motives seem largely pointless. (To rule Amber). And I ask myself, would I be happy to have written this? And the answer is no. But over and over such is the case. All the best writing I find myself thinking this. I wouldn't have bothered and that's probably why I haven't bothered. And I think perhaps it's a sort of nihilism about life. So much of the stuff of life I can't get into. And so I don't write.

But Song of Solomon. That was a book that I would have been pretty happy to write. I can't at the moment think of anything else really. Some short stories. Death of Dr. Island. Chun the Unavoidable. But that's different.

So I have to think more about this. Read more Morrison. More magical realism.

I don't know perhaps I would have pretty happy to write most of the first two Fitz trilogies.

Played really good tennis today. Using only an australian grip. Including hitting a lot of non-dominant hand forehands. Two hours of doubles. The worst player was a retired lady who used to play pro. Played Goolagong. And I hit a non-dominant one hand forehand. And two hand backhand. A one hand backhand slice. A one hand backhand drive. And hit it all OK. The left hand forehand needs work. Hit with the former pro exclusively left handed for 20 minutes afterward.

In Seattle there was a grand piano that I played a lot. Synthesizers are just not the same. I am going to buy a piano. Haven't had one in more than a decade. Want to get back to being able to have prelude in c sharp minor by Rach memorized and others. I miss memorizing music. Weirdly I wasn't good at that with the cello. But as it's almost always just one note at a time, it's so much easier to sight read. But memorized music is so much more enjoyable and I'm sorry but the piano is more enjoyable.

https://www.soundclick.com/widgets/song.cfm?songid=7917805
I sure wrote a lot of music like this. Not good enough to promote. Not really remotely. Although some in a weird way are way better than this. But they're all weird or a bit amateurish. Or not any good. The good ones are too weird. There are some not weird ones that I feel like just aren't quite worthy of promoting for other reasons. Bad drums, etc.

But still. Some of it's damn good to me. And I feel like it's a little sad no one will ever hear it. Probably not the only one who feels this way.

Anyway, set up now, to get back to it.

33 days out and don't feel so cranky. Except my paper got rejected and I'm not up to the revisions within the deadline as I'm not going to be at work for a few more weeks I guess. Finally doesn't hurt to breathe hardly at all but I can't quite yawn yet.

Son had tubes put in his ears today. It's because my wife couldn't produce breast milk and we thought it best to do cow milk till 2. Eventually I plan to get rid of milk as it's terrible for you.

I recently also read The Dark Tower, Till We Have Faces and The Great Divorce all by CS Lewis. Till We Have Faces was excellent and I wondered how I couldn't have known of it. Turns out Lewis also thought it was his best but it was never popular. A big theme in it was jealousy. The Great Divorce has a lot about people finding ways to refuse to admit they're wrong. Holding on to erroneous thoughts. I'm not a christian but I have always liked his writing. The Dark Tower starts out great with the Stinging Man but I thought took a wrong turn in making one of the people from their reality into one. I see why he didn't finish it.

And I read two books....The Nethergrim and The Skeleth by Matthew Jobin. Not terrible. Not quite as childish as the covers looked. Not quite. Think I need to take a break from that sort of thing though.

Now that I've been off almost 5 weeks, I feel about ready to start writing. Maybe my x-ray tomorrow will show my sternum not healing correctly. I'll leave that as just a vague hope. Starting to feel good enough that I kind of am enjoying being at home. Need to write about things that actually matter to me and do it in a selfish matter. Write something that will increase my own version of 'spirituality". And make real characters. That's always been my problem. Distinct characters.

B. loves Lewis and I borrowed those books from her. Like her so much better than her sister actually. Her sister was a mess though I surely would have put up with her till I died if she hadn't cut J and I from her life. I guess people a lot of people would think B is a mess also. I think very highly of her.  Wish I could find her a man that would appreciate her. She is 37. Hate to think she will never have children. She would like too.

Also spent quite a bit of time the last few days messing around with synth1. Drum presets and trying to locate some other really good presets. Making the sounds may be better but you really just need some main truly good presets as your starting point. At first very very happy with the drum sounds. Thought it better than what I'd ever done before as I've always neglected drums. I've really lost it musically though. I stopped improvising. In part because something went wrong with my midi. Just programming the notes probably doesn't work as well. But... I still have the esq1 on analog and I haven't improvised anything special there. I did spend a couple days really trying to make sounds with it and ultimately wasn't super impressed.... But I know it can sound good with many tracks....

Was thinking it's like the artist who starts out wanting to express something that is in him and eventually he just becomes preoccupied with the process and doesn't really have anything left to express. I don't hear the music off in the distance as I fall asleep anymore. Original songs don't play in my dreams anymore. There's nothing anymore I want to use music to explain to the world.

I think I may have finally figured out a vocal template that means I can sing. I very much hesitate to say so. I keep expecting that I'll listen to it a few days later and change my mind. But so far that hasn't happened. I think the key was n compressor equalizer. I've experimented plenty with equalizers and compressors but never a single effect that combined the two. I don't sound as good as Brendan Perry but.... I really think I can work with this... And it has me enthused to really get back into it.

In the past, for a large portion of time, I was only trying to figure out industrial vocals. I figured regular singing was out of the question. Actually though industrial vocals are far worse for me, because I can't sound angry. In real life people think I'm always so mellow and relaxed. Which is mostly true, but a long way from completely true. Anyway it's reflected in my voice that can sound unemotional, half-dead or trancelike.

So now though I'm not interested in making industrial music. I pretty much never listen to it even as I think it has a very bad effect on my mood. Can really get me in an absurdly angry mood I think.... I'm kind of afraid to listen to it, though I remember what a huge effect it used to have on me. Instead I guess I want to sound maybe somewhat like Dead Can Dance. I'm curious to do a cover of Children of the Sun, just because I'm curious how my voice compares to Brendan Perry. Would be very happy to make music that good. I do own a dulcimer. Hate tuning the damn thing though.

In other news today my back started hurting. I guess because I moved the birdbath yesterday. Also held Hawthy for 2 hours when I rarely hold him for more than 15 minutes in a day. I'm worried I'll have to cancel my tennis match tomorrow. Laying down and avoiding moving tonight.

Read Century of the Soldier and Hawkwood and the Kings by Paul Kearney. Good but way too much about war. Too much massive armies clashing. Ultimately too much of that and not enough of relatively real people just trying to live. Really blah ending too. The hero was Corfe. The super general king. He saves the day. While just about everyone dies, including Corfe. I guess his daughter doesn't die. I suppose it's unique in the extent to which everyone else does. Isolla, Abelyn, the Sultan, Heria, the good wizard guy, Berdolin, Aruan, the bad guy who torments Hawkwood. Does Hawkwood die? Probably. Can't remember. Jemilia? Can't remember. Yes, Hawkwood dies too. Jemilia and her son didn't die. And Corfe's daughter doesn't die. All other major characters die which is unusual. But it's not terribly sad because we never get quite close enough to them. Still far more detailed setting and characters then say Steven Erikson, but far, far short of Robin Hobb, or even G Martin.

Since I quit eating sugar I find myself writing music. With what little free time I manage with an 11 month old. I guess quitting the cello helped.