I really like Dead Can Dance. Their most recent album with Children of the Sun. That's a very good one. But then also there is one I think called Amnesia that I really like. Have it tied into the end of Buelhman's Children of a Lesser God. Great song even without that association. And then additionally there is another song on the album that sounds like dying and not being unhappy about it. I don't want to die. But a song that can make one not feel unhappy about the prospect is a pretty damn good song. "All your ships have left the harbor".... pictured a book where an entire culture is decimated in a war. A book about that culture and it's demise. That somehow was readable...

Such strong vague feelings. Are they strong exactly because they're vague?

Or imagine just dying and traveling across a now empty world, reviewing it I guess.... Was a second song that also managed this or was there?

Listened to this album to death. Finally moving on to another. Another album that at first I only thought was OK but I find myself really wanting to give it a chance and now really starting to like some other songs. Engima of the Absolute really growing on me. And there songs that make me feel like I'm in the middle ages, etc.

Haven't bothered to try to write music hardly at all for quite a while and have even quit playing the cello and viola lately. Because it's time away from my son's first year of life. But I did mess around the other day. There is some machine in the pharmacy. It makes this industrial sort of repetitive noise that actually sounds very musical. I went home and in some sense tried to recreate it. And came up with a nice little intricate loop. And then stuck.

And thinking a problem in my writing is making intricate loops instead of longer song structures. Forget the intricacy.

Played tennis yesterday and won 6-3, 6-0. I always seem to start slow. Though also was being careful as I tweaked my back 5 days previous. Do feel like my game is on now. And am trying to beat people 6-0. I always offer to hit afterwards. To beat someone like that and then not offer, or even worse turn down their offer is in extremely poor form.

Read that a 16 hour fast is really good for you. Which equals simply skipping breakfast. Been doing so and feeling pretty good. ...except been eating a couple dates right before bed. So really only a 12 hour fast I guess.

Since I had kidney stones and spent a couple weeks in bed last summer I've pretty much quit playing the cello. And since I started playing tennis I've gone running less and less. Especially with the winter as I get so sick of the treadmill. With the birth of Hawthy I've especially gotten bad at these things and have really become very unhappy. Really having a pessimistic outlook.

This evening, instead of spending time with Hawthy, I got back from Cali, took a nap (couldn't sleep on the red eye) and went for a 50 minute run and then pulled out the cello.

I feel so much better. Though J guilts me. I have to get a couple runs in every week and keep playing the cello. On days I work I'm going to feel bad, not to mention J will continue to guilt me, but I HAVE to. Otherwise I just drive myself so far down.

I could say a lot of negative things about the cello. But it does something very positive for me that other music stuff doesn't. Do want to get a piano though, will have to see how that compares. Of course I have a bunch of synthesizers... lol. I never truly play them... Maybe should try to at least play some Muzio Clementi on them....

Read a couple Anne Bishop books. Daughter of the Blood and most of Heir to the Shadows. It's a dystopian world, which is good. Negatives include so little mention of normal people I wasn't entirely sure they even existed. Really counters the whole dystopian world thing. More like it's dystopian for a few people, no idea what it's actually like for the majority. And in some ways it's incredibly sappy. Very YA at the same time there's a lot of rape/sex. What especially hurts it is that I started instead reading The Necromancer's House by Christopher Buehlman which is written so much better.

Played Art R for the third time and this time won 6-0, 6-1. Just sliced the ball in the corners, he can't run. Next played some doubles and some guy who's name I never heard in singles. Beat him 6-4,7-6. Think he was deceptively good. Afterwards found out it was Ron H who was actually ranked above me, lol. The guy had no passing shots... I guess that moves me up to 7th in the league. He could run and didn't hit errors but also I've added two things of duct tape as a bumper guard and to make my racket heavier (6.1 prostaff stretch)(enlarged sweet spot/more power). Made my serve bigger. Don't think I need it any bigger now. Hurt my groundstrokes, hitting errors on slices I normally wouldn't hit. But I think in the long term it's a good thing. Started just hitting topspin forehands and they were better than usual also. Slower swing thus more controlled. The slice is just maybe a more delicate thing now.

Also served and volleyed more than ever before. Normally I just don't physically feel quite like sprinting up to the net over and over again. I think using the elliptical with a weighted backpack has strengthened my legs, also jumping in place for now 4 minutes straight most days. Don't expect that matters as much but can't say for certain.

Really getting a game now where it's hard to break my serve. IOW a pro style game.

The weighted racquet helps my volleys for the most part also I think. Will take some getting used to.

Finally my elbow didn't bother me at all for the first time in a very long time. Clearly thanks to the added weight.

Wish I had used the prostaff stretch against Jay C. Instead used the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody which doesn't hit as big of serves. Gave him an easier time in breaking my serve. Look forward to playing him again. Though I will need some time still to get used to the heavier racquet for groundstrokes.

Very lazy with the endurance running lately. Found myself breathing hard while playing tennis. Though played 2.5 hours (including hour of doubles which is no work) without tiring at all. Plus it's so damn cold out and don't really enjoy fast running on treadmill. Did elliptical with a 50 pound pack though. Think that's a really good thing to stay in good health.

Tuned my dulcimer to Emajor/C#minor. Funny how clumsy my left hand is relative to right, but working on it. It's really beautiful sounding. Enjoy it more than cello and compares well to piano even.

I like to watch football a little because I like athletic stuff but good lord is it a stupid sport. The injuries, the repetitive interviews, the media's attempt to stir up soap opera-like drama, the two hours worth of commercials, the very idea of rooting for one team (when every three years there's 90% percent turnover, virtually none of whom are even originally from the area), the fact that it's not even a sport the vast majority of us can even play (or would actually want to), three yards and a cloud of dust over and over again, the idiotic announcers, and so on. Still watch it pretty much every week though.

There are other people who think the same but I've only heard people say such things who aren't athletic, which leads one to wonder if they're jealous or have some kind of bias. Never heard it from someone who was athletic (though surely there are some). I bother to express it because I'm stuck halfway I guess. I like sports but then find myself annoyed by the stupidity. And need a reminder. But feel like I should keep quiet almost. That others will feel inferior or like I'm attempting to make them inferior when if I never say it outloud, it's like I can forget myself and go back to being stuck with this vague unhappiness as I spend time wallowing through stupidity. 

In other news I've decided to not just use a continental grip on all shots. I am going to switch it a bevel for the backhand drive and a bevel and a half (the other way) for the forehand drive. Did so today for the first time with the ball machine. The backhand drive was actually a little better than the forehand. Trying to avoid very much topspin to simplify it. Forehand isn't consistent enough though. 

Ran today outside for first time in a while. Decided to do fewer interval repetitions. Just every ten minutes or so for 2 minutes or even less. But may attempt to at least once a week do a longish run. 

Tried to buy a hammered dulcimer online but got outbid with 13 seconds left. May try to visit some shop to get to play with some next weekend. None are anywhere nearby. Like that it's such an old instrument (1000 years). But I've never actually heard one live, lol. 

Pretty much have quit cello because I miss polyphony and am just not happy with the songs I know of to play on cello. After playing dulcimer a bit I'm curious about making an instrument. Thinking of something that can do triple or quadruple, etc stops. Do really like the sound of double stops where at least one has vibrato and/or is sliding tones. But haven't attempted to make a "song" using such techniques. It was the messing around with this though that made me realize how much I miss polyphony and ultimately has me bored with regular cello playing and thus haven't hardly played in months. 

Had a week off and did a lot of maffetone but since back to work can't run as much and really slowing down at my maffetone HR. So decided to get back to the really long runs. At least two hours twice a week plus the elliptical for two hours once a week. Then a short fast day.....

That was last week. So I did a 140 minute run but just did it at 2% incline the whole way instead of half/half 0%/4%. My weekly fast run wasn't good. 2 miles in 14:26. Previously did 2 in 14:35 but kept going for another half mile.

It could have been that I wasn't used to such a long run and it just took it out of me a bit... but no. I had my PR after a 3 hour and 40 minute run which was more than an hour longer than I'd ever done. No, what it was, was that I ran slower. With the 2% incline I started at 12 min/miles where previously I had been doing some 10min/mile running at the beginning.

So... I decided to do all my running at 0% incline (with a bit of elliptical thrown in). Was curious to see if my hard run would even be faster if I spent so much time running relatively faster (while still at maffetone). So instead of 30 to 40 minutes at 0% and then 30 to 40 minutes more at 4%. I started just going 60 to 100 minutes at 0%.

...and within a few runs I'm only going 10.5 minute miles and slower to beging with instead of 10min/miles for 3.5 or 4 miles.

Why?

Probably because I've suddenly doubled the amount of running I'm doing at 0% incline. NOT because I'm neglecting "hills".

Soooo.... Going to reduce the 0% incline running a bit and patiently increase it. But instead of incline running was thinking of spending the rest of the time on the elliptical. Although the elliptical may be breaking, resistance suddenly changed to very hard on me. Actually though that more simulates waking up stairs, which is more useful.

So whatever really. Being slower at 0% incline at maffetone is most likely just a short term effect because I'm suddenly doing twice as much of it. Surely? But getting rid of 0% incline running earlier, which caused my hard run to be much slower, was not a short term effect. I suspect that would have been a long term trend.

So it's complicated. And I could be quite wrong. Making sure to do a lot of time on the elliptical to simulate incline running just in case taking that away was actually the problem. It could be something entirely different I'm not thinking of though.

In other news I got a tennis ball machine which is kind of wonderful. I would have been a contender if I had one as a kid. (Or someone willing to do drills with me. Or if I had been smart enough to get someone else to do drills with me.) So I don't know. The negative is it takes a while to pick the balls back up and start over again. Getting a metal tennis basket, hopefully that will help.

Used it twice and already finally hitting a one hand topspin backhand decently well. Actually less unforced errors than my forehand. Also changed my backhand slice grip. Hitting it really well now.

Just about finished my second pond. Going to add hooks, etc and put a net entirely over the first. (Something seems to have killed three koi, would be nice to not worry about such things.)

Haven't played cello at all for a long time. Any day now going to get back to it...

Reading The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman. Book three of Magicians trilogy. He's underrated. Really not much I can criticize, like his stuff a lot. Underrated because it's too intelligent. It's not that intelligent, but fantasy fiction has got the bar very low these days.

Mini writing breakthrough I guess.

Running, lots of slow long distance on the treadmill, trying to run somewhat like Yuki Kawauchi. A hard long run on the weekend (usually) plus a short tempo or intervals mid week, plus plenty of easy jogging. Have that damm half marathon in less than a month. Don't want to suck. Trying to get lots of long runs in. I have two more weekend attempts. Did 11.4 miles at 9:47 pace, which is awful. It will be downhill and I'm going to do non-alpha male training. And I'll rest up I guess... And hopefully these next two long hard runs will go better. Was hoping for 9 min/mile pace for 12. Actually two years ago I only did 9 min/mile pace for 9 and then managed 8:15 pace for 13. Hip isn't quite 100%. Hopefully I won't injure myself and not even make it to the start.

Yuki is interesting in being an elite marathoner who still works a normal job. His training routine is pretty basic. Also for entering so many races.

Pretty just dropped cello. All the stuff I'm doing in the yard, etc. Just a bad time of year. I guess.

Really disliked book two The Blade of Tyshalle(sp) by Matthew Stover. Quit 40 pages before the end. All the different people stuck in each others head. And people dying... but no! Not really. Got confusing and just boring. Had liked the first book and there was so much injustice that I wanted to see rectified. So tried to hold on. But blah, sorry but just blah. Seems like a relatively intelligent guy compared to most of these fantasy fiction guys but the story just wasn't so good.

Sleep is a wonderful thing and I've been doing it great lately. Drinking more water.

Hurt my hip a little. Annoying. Running was feeling so good. Have so much energy. Praying this doesn't turn into this year's nagging injury. Except for that would want to run 50 plus miles per week. Taking it easy for a bit. Maybe get rid of harder runs for a few weeks... Really would like to just knock out 8 miles a day.... And sneak up to 10 for a week or two before half marathon. But that will probably just lead to injury.

Really neglected cello lately. Just too much to do. Have also returned to writing for better or worse.

Reading this Blade of Tyshalle by Stover. It's a bit weak. The hierarchial dystopia combined with a fantasy fiction otherworld keeps it going but not by a lot.

Had been trying to improve at running despite only doing 10 or so miles per week. Was doing all my running on the treadmill at 2% incline. Finally went outside and found out that 2% incline was not enough and that I had gotten slower from 2% plus so few miles. So started trying to run just about everyday (that I have time). All "easy" runs on treadmill while watching TV. Two harder runs each week outside. Want to get back up to near 40 or so. At first was thinking to keep my easy runs very easy, (5mph) but thinking to do them around 6mph for now. In the short term my fast runs won't be as good. But in the long term I should improve more.

Decided I need to drink like 3/4th's a gallon of water a day. Did so and immediately felt better. Had gotten a little lazy with my water drinking before. Had insomnia for the first time in a while and wondering if slight dehydration can lead to insomnia. (Unable to flush out toxins as well.... )

Have 6 weeks till half marathon. So got 4 long runs left. Yesterday did 9 miles at pretty easy 9:15 pace. Want to hit 13 miles 2 weeks before race. Yesterday did last mile in 7:10. Could have done quite a few more miles but trying to keep things gradual... Felt really good afterwards.

Really neglected the cello here recently. And quit writing. When I had insomnia I felt miserable and decided I had to start again. But now the insomnia is gone. Also it's springtime. And expanding the garden.

Read The Fell Knight and The Red Knight by Miles Cameron. Really enjoyed them. Very long. Partially why stopped writing. The Captain AKA Gabriel or The Duke is a magician and fighter. Leads a band of mercenaries. Including Bad Tom and Sauce. Jehan and so on. In Red Knight they are defending some place from an attack of the Wild led by the sorceror Thorn. Dameons and Wyvert(sp) and boglins and irks and trolls and golden bears, etc. In the Fell Knight they are fighting for an empress against a traitorous duke. Lots of characters, constantly jumping around. High level of detail concerning the middle ages. Lots of words I've never heard before. As if Miles figured most people are on a kindle/nook now and can look them up in a second. The Captain hates christianity. He has a place in his head where a person lives. Later on it's Harmodius, the great mage.

Really got to quit reading and start writing though.

At IVF in MD downloaded The Blade of Tyrelle(sp) by Matthew Stover. Book two of Heroes Die. I liked book one. It's about Caine/Hari. The dialogue is a bit cheesy in places but when he goes from futuristic earth over to the middle ages fantasy fiction world, it gets better. But again, I need to stop reading and start writing.

Since getting Larson A and D strings and Helicore C and G. Along with raising fingerboard/lowering strings have been playing cello. Often 2 plus hour sessions on weekends. Haven't been bothering with viola. Have first two pages of back Cello Suite no 1 memorizes.

Cello practice
1. Vibrato in time with fast beat
2. Scales with beat as fast as possible, focus in particular on second position, extended position, etc.
3. dotzauer book with and without fast beat
4. some time spent without a beat just enjoying playing
5. various pieces with beat as can manage
6. Memorize Bach Cello Suite No. 1 at least.
7. Practice going back and forth between strings. Thinking about how higher pitch strings need lighter touch. Especially if they are open and lower pitch is a 4 or 4th position, etc.
Viola practice
vibrato exercises with beat, especially c string

then if I have anything left to continue to hold proper position, a bit of time just playing whatever

In fact was wondering if memorization might be good in general, it's something I've avoided for the most part. So thought to memorize some poems. Did the first 4 stanzas of The Raven last night.

Cello practice
1. Vibrato in time with fast beat
2. Scales with beat as fast as possible, focus in particular on second position, extended position, etc.
3. dotzauer book with and without fast beat
4. some time spent without a beat just enjoying playing
5. various pieces with beat as can manage

Viola practice
vibrato exercises with beat, especially c string
then if I have anything left to continue to hold proper position, a bit of time just playing whatever

Again I wrote zero words. But I'm spending a lot more time playing cello/viola. And the beginning part of the week I was so dammed stressed, the idea of trying to write just seemed ridiculous. Finally thought of worrying about others instead of myself and the stress just disappeared. Maybe because I don't really have anyone else to worry about? Well what the hell it works. Wonder if it still will if I ever have someone else who really needs my worrying.

Reading Words of Radiance which is a really good book. Stormlight Archive seems so much better than his other works. Book one was one of the best I've read...

Did a 3.5 reps of a 4/4 at 6.5 min/miles on 2% incline. Shorter harder interval workouts leave me feeling better than longer slower ones.

My back definitely feels better when I really limit refined sugars. If I start eating something with refined sugar everyday. Like a piece of pie. My back starts bothering me more. I think.

Had a dream that I lost my job. I went and confronted my boss to ask why. She said they just hadn't made enough money. But then she made a pass at me. I didn't really reciprocate. Then she kind of acted like she was going to cry. Then she turned into a cat and hissed at me and waved her claws.

I do appreciate that in real life I virtually never see/interact with her, I guess. Don't think very highly of her. I assume she's just a bit stoopid, doing the best she can, but feels a bit intimidated?? Feel like she plays at being sophisticated or something. Comes across very weird and fake. And she has no clue what I do I think. Ultimately my job has been fine so whatever.

Bit stressy because I have some deadlines falling behind on. But they are the stuff I do only when everything else is finished. They aren't hard deadlines and I have a ton of other things. But if next week is very busy I may have to work on a lit review and abstract, etc at home I guess.

Three published papers so far and I guess there's the possibility of two more. For someone who only has a two year degree in the profession I work in and gets absolutely nothing out of publishing papers it's a bit strange.

Examples of my stupidity:
1. I found a way to do my running such that I was improving. (Each week two days hard and then two days extremely slow/easy but the longer, the better). Did 5 miles at 7:25 pace that way. But I was so bored with those long slow runs that I instead wandered off in a different direction. Injured myself with that... then have wandered all over the place but haven't gone back to what worked. Finally it occurs to me that since I'm using a treadmill now, those long really slow runs aren't so bad. Not really a problem to watch TV during them.

I'm stupid because I didn't just use the treadmill 15 months ago for the long slow runs and stick with what was working. Why didn't I use the treadmill? Was this pretreadmill running for me? I think so. Or maybe it was broken? If the first, then it should have occurred to me. If the latter, I'm still stupid for not figuring out how to fix it. (Finally did.)

I stuck the microphone outside of the 7 by 7 ft room where I used to record music. It's basically a large closet. I finally just put it about ten feet away in the main room. My cello sounds so much better. Huge difference. It's the difference between trying to record multilayered cello songs, and not bothering. My vocals are even quite a bit better.
I'm stupid because it took me years to do this. I had thought of it a few times... but for some reason I never did.

There was some other example of my stupidity. I can't remember what, but not being able to remember is also somewhat of an example.

It's more laziness really. I could have managed these things....

I'm still doing it. But don't see a way out.

This week at work I was in a very good mood and rethinking my plans to look for a new job. Spending a good part of the day calling patient after patient on the phone may seem a ridiculous thing for me but maybe I can adapt to be OK with it. Seems like I can be positive or negative about it. Not all times is it possible to look at a situation in a positive manner. It is possible here and a lot of the other jobs out there really are worse.

-

Migraine for first time in a while. Think from a rum cake (preservatives). Although I had some of one before (not as much) and was fine.

--

Ran myself half to death this last week. Trying to do steady state at 8:30 min/miles. Attempt 6 miles 5 days a week. Running slightly slower I had managed it. This week I couldn't and I'm worried I'm hurting myself I'm pushing so hard and am so exhausted the rest of the day. So, back to intervals, 3/2 intervals. It seemed 3 minutes running worked best. With shorter I certainly stopped improving. (Although it is said that with anerobic activity you always quit improving after a month or so.) But also studies claim 3/2 is best.

Anyway I always felt best when doing 3/2's. Don't get that dead exhausted feeling. Plan to even do a couple really long workouts that way each week. Still actually did my best running when all I did was intervals. So one more shot.

At the moment not feeling well. Migraine yes, but also wonder if I "strained" my heart or something. Also feeling fat. Up to almost 215. Mainly my head just hurts.

---

Cello has been bad lately. Not liking any songs. And, ultimately I miss hearing many notes at once. That's why I originally choose the piano. That's why I liked to write music with tons of stuff happening at once. What I really liked about the cello at first was when I heard 5 cellos playing at once. Was so beautiful. Think I'm going to have start recording myself and making songs of layered cello tracks.

As opposed to working on the crap my teacher wants me to do....

----

Working on character sketches. Think that's what I'm truly lacking in my writing. AND, turns out that Mark Lawrence (Prince, King and Emperor of Thrones) writes without outlines. And damm if his writing isn't still quite good. Though the way he jumps around in time doesn't seem ideal.

Finished Devices and Desires by KJ Parker. It's "high fantasy" that is devoid of any magic. At first it was very interesting. Really caught my attention and in fact I did no writing for 4 days because of it. But increasingly it became bogged down in uninteresting details. And the characters aren't very interesting. And the stuff I kept turning the pages to get to... when it finally came was just glossed over, not well done.

A neat idea for the Mezentarians. An engineer society that is highly dogmatic. But still not much depth. And the same with the Vadani and Eremanians(sp). Certainly an attempt at depth was made with the book king Fashion and Lady Reason and much detail about various rituals, but somehow still manages to lack depth. Possible because it has very few characters. The is no description of "the common people". It went way downhill and I have no interest in reading book two or three.

In the interview at the end Parker says, "Basically it's a love story, which is why tens of thosands die, cities are torched, nations overthrown, and everybody betrays everydoby else at least once. It's also a sotry about a very ordianry man who's forced, through no fault of his own to do extraordianry things in order to achieve a very simple, everyday objective.
Furthermoe an exploration of the nature of manufacture, artifice and fabrication--the things we make, the reasons we make them, the ambivalence of everything we create, and the effects on other people of what we make. Ambitious, or what?"

It's not much at all of a love story. Ziani and his lady never even interact the entire book. Valens and Veatrix only exchange some letters. Perhaps just subjectively that's a problem for me. Very seriously not a fan of relationships that consist solely of letters.... Anyway: "or what". Didn't find it particularly ambitious.

Also finished Mythago Wood, which again, lost me in large part because the main character was a buffoon.

I suppose once again, a "hero" motivated by love. I guess that just doesn't work for me and I suppose that could just be me. Yet, certainly Hobb's Fitz very much had a love interest. But his was real. There was substance there. That worked. Valens is just writing letters to someone he liked the looks of when he was young and in heat. Ziani's love interest is a complete blank. The Mythago Wood guy....? I guess it was literally a woman created from his subonscious so undoubtedly there would be a strong "hormonal" based love. Which is meaningless. If he was intelligent enough to have even the slightest understanding of what was going on, it could have been interesting. But he wasn't.

Prince of Thorns was better in that it stuck to plain old revenge, lots of killing. The least relevant/most escapist. Aimed the lowest and didn't fail.

In a good mood. Successfully "bending but not breaking." Work is good. Sort of liking the cold weather. As long as my treadmill doesn't break. Although only running a max of 25 miles a week. Just too many other things to do.... Guess I could really try to do a few more on the weekend though....

I feel as if I have something to look forward to, but not really. The next weekend. The next night out with friends, next holiday. Increasing my cello playing on the weekends, usually. Really working on extended position. Which considering I've been playing for 3 years now I really should be better at.

Sick of football. What junk. Stupid announcers. Really just an all around stupid sport. I'm happier when I don't watch it. It's on right now, but no sound and I don't care about the game....

So for 8 or 9 days straight I've chipped away at an outline. This is a first. Very happy about it. It's generically titled "Conventional Fantasy Outline" and may even begin with a youth at a magic school, unless I decide to start after he's failed out. Whatever I personally find most escapist... Will try not to worry that there's been so many wizard schools lately.

So I stopped the long hard run every 4 days. It was actually too hard on me. Can't run that hard for that long a distance that often. And found myself running less then. So now attempting to run most days. "Comfortable", "easy" running. 10.9 minute miles at 2% incline while watching TV. So damm boring. Can't stand even 30 miles a week from boredom. Finishing with hard running for 1 to 2 minutes. On the treadmill the hard running (10mph) was really bothering my lower back (bit of vague, very light burning into butt/right hip). So going to try doing that bit of hard running outside.

Started cello lessons every week.

This means a bit busy. If something has to give it should be the running. But I can see the running eating into the writing without it being very clear.

Quickly fails out. Not ten years of hell. This is escapism. Not necessarily relevant in any way to reality. A bit on enjoyment to people is of far more use than trying to show that this world sucks. Happy memories accumulate in the subconscious.

Roughly a month ago I ran 5 miles in 7:54. Then I spent two weeks doing intervals and did a 5 mile run in 7:44. Then about a week of hill intervals and I did 4 miles in 7:35. Then I did hill intervals for a bit less than a week and did 4 miles in 7:27. With doing the intervals up hill (7% incline), I can hopefully keep my knee decent while still running fast enough/with enough of a short burst of intensity to improve. So far, yes. Feels great. Definitely prefer working out this way at least aside from what actually works best. Obviously in the short term it works better.....

Lately trying to do 45 minutes, 5 or 6 days a week. Only going 6.5 mph or 6.6. Can go faster, but not day after day for 45 minutes.

Those first two weeks I was doing 3 minute intervals on roads. When I switched to hills on the treadmill I switched to 2 minute and 90 secs. It seems likely that the shorter intervals explains the faster improvement. While the hills are simply a necessity to hopefully avoid injury.

If I'm getting close to breaking 7 minute miles in a month or so, I'll be very happy.

-----

Kind of seems like I've been writing, although I still don't really know what it is I really most want to write. Wandering. But at least doing something. If only I knew what I wanted most to write, then I think I could really get down to it. I should perhaps just choose something, and put my head down and get to it. Something relatively unoriginal. Not something that is going to change people. What I've instead been waiting for, just isn't happening.

-----

Moved by Paul Hoffman's Left Hand of God. Like the idea of a torturous life for this kid. Living in a dark ages, religious extremism. What is funny is that the castle or fortress is really not described well. And just what the children spend their days doing, isn't all that well explained either. I guess learning to be amazing soldiers...? But it's very vague. Only explained far far after the fact. In fact only two other students have any real role, and I think maybe only one single other is ever even mentioned at all.

If it were me doing the writing, I'd find it way too pitiful vague, but I enjoyed reading it.

But no, I'd chuck it, if I were the one writing it.

I could see bothering to write Gormenghast. (Though strangely I never even read the third book, in part because of Peake's dying, but only in part......) Possibly Shardik. I think. And that's a hell of improvement from the past. I seem to recall that there was nothing at all I could say that of. Possibly I've changed. I am improving in my attitude of just doing things; doing them simply as opposed to doing nothing. I need to do better at applying this idea to story writing. As that is The Thing. The Thing that has eluded me. No matter it's possibly my too high standards that stand in the way.

I have been working on Bach's famous Prelude on the cello, but not practicing adequately lately. If I manage to really get into writing, it's going to be hard to manage all these others things.

Extending my garden so I can grow more blackberries. I've grown to like the taste more. And they're so very easy to take care of.

Cried and cried while finishing Shardik. It was wonderful. I love crying at make believe.

The Stars My Destination is supposedly a top ten all time in sci-fi. I was not impressed. Excepting Vance, who doesn't count, I don't think sci-fi has ever really moved me.

In other news have my first race of the year tomorrow. My knee doesn't hurt. But it's not right. I doubt I'll break 8 minute pace tomorrow for this 10k but it will be a celebration of (more or less) good health. Have only been running 15 to 20 miles a week and not very fast. It doesn't hurt but it's not right and if I pushed it I know it would get worse. Might have to try forefoot running.

Today it was 50 outside and not supposed to get really cold next few days. Never have I wanted spring more. Ordered a cold hardy fig tree. Planted grapevines recently. Fish are starting to eat, even the koy a bit. The goldfish will eat whenever there's no ice.

In retrospect I killed a few trees not understanding that if the soil is hard clay with awful drainage, it's no good at all to dig a hole and use good soil in the hole. Just turns into a small pond and the roots rot. Have to use raised beds. Killed two trees this way. A third one I think will eventually die from deer antlers. The deer even eat the bamboo leaves.

Still there is D and S. How strange that is...

Things can stretch I think.

Played Handel's Largo today. The tune can't seem to stay in my head. It's just very different somehow. Want it to become ingrained. Not sure what it is about it.

And finally threw together a song for first time in a long time. With ESQ1 which I finally fixed the battery in, I think. Now it's working but still gives a battery warning message at first...???

Cello is getting fun as playing more minor key stuff.

Cello workshop seriously sucked up all my time. I guess I definitely got better at the cello. Now sick to death of cello and taking a break. Wonder what the net effect will be. I think now I maybe want to find that Gorecki piece no matter the cost. ...really got to work on learning the ESQ1 also...

So for 5 or 6 weeks I averaged 34 miles a week, then two weeks of 20 thanks to sickness and race taper. Last week though did 36 and this week did 21 just in the first two days. Just now going back to a true long run, plus a hard run plus three more 7, 8 mile runs. About an 80/20 easy/hard ratio. With the easy being breathing through nose. Boring stuff. Really effing boring.

10% in to Mieville's Kraken and put it aside. The main character is too dumb. It's OK if most characters are stupid, but the main character can't also be. Was thinking that actually a book with a few intelligent people surrounded by idiots pretty well summarizes quite a few books. Previous Mieville books didn't have such stupid main characters....

So back to Le Guin, I think basically having ideas automatically means "didactic" / preachy. And thus, just not something to worry about.

Built a pergola/arbor today for my thriving wysteria. Also pond water is clearing up. Blackberry bushes are growing like crazy. Really like my yard.

Was thinking jazz is like at least three people having a happy/humorous conversation....

I don't feel like I'm doing enough at work to justify my pay. This worries me. Otherwise the job is just fircking fanatanastick.

Wife recovering from exploratory fertility related surgery. In the last instant of the world our inability to reproduce doesn't matter too awfully much. But I guess you could call this continuing failed process like the very long slow drawn out erasing of a potential human. That is sort of what it feels like.

running is on garmin thus not here.

Started kol nidre on cello.

Less than two weeks till new job that is 5 8 hour days instead of 3 12+ hour days. Hoping this will be better for me. Hope my cello playing improves. Running too, though I'm less hopeful on that. Right now wish I hadn't entered a half marathon as I feel too slow to bother with that distance. But, shall do "omega training" starting 5 days out, hopefully. (Unless fertility stuff coincides.) And the effects of that for longer distances will be interesting to see. Worried I'll run really abnormally fast, but then be incredibly sore/tired and make a bad first impression in new job.

Recently partly read some book, Bachiyr (33AD) by David McAfee, about vampires plotting to kill Jesus. Has a lot of nice elements. Not a christian but the idea of a really good person getting horribly killed long ago, is somehow very compelling. Always liked Paar Lagerkvist's Barrabas. This though is written so just damm stupidly that it's almost kind of blasphemous.

Also a collection of short stories on Kindle, don't have it with me now, about fantasy preTolkien. First story about elves, which strongly highlighted the theme of verdancy, something I hadn't seen any other writing do. But, it makes strong sense. And reminds me of myself and all my seed sprouting, etc. Currently have pots hanging from the wisteria trellis. Planted more ribbon grass. Bought another wisteria, etc.

4 days left in current job, thank you that it's over. Yesterday was pretty insane. The AMA idiot at the end was almost too much. Definitely can drop the optimism bias about this job now. Thank some magical higher power that it's over.