I really like Dead Can Dance. Their most recent album with Children of the Sun. That's a very good one. But then also there is one I think called Amnesia that I really like. Have it tied into the end of Buelhman's Children of a Lesser God. Great song even without that association. And then additionally there is another song on the album that sounds like dying and not being unhappy about it. I don't want to die. But a song that can make one not feel unhappy about the prospect is a pretty damn good song. "All your ships have left the harbor".... pictured a book where an entire culture is decimated in a war. A book about that culture and it's demise. That somehow was readable...

Such strong vague feelings. Are they strong exactly because they're vague?

Or imagine just dying and traveling across a now empty world, reviewing it I guess.... Was a second song that also managed this or was there?

Listened to this album to death. Finally moving on to another. Another album that at first I only thought was OK but I find myself really wanting to give it a chance and now really starting to like some other songs. Engima of the Absolute really growing on me. And there songs that make me feel like I'm in the middle ages, etc.

Haven't bothered to try to write music hardly at all for quite a while and have even quit playing the cello and viola lately. Because it's time away from my son's first year of life. But I did mess around the other day. There is some machine in the pharmacy. It makes this industrial sort of repetitive noise that actually sounds very musical. I went home and in some sense tried to recreate it. And came up with a nice little intricate loop. And then stuck.

And thinking a problem in my writing is making intricate loops instead of longer song structures. Forget the intricacy.

Played tennis yesterday and won 6-3, 6-0. I always seem to start slow. Though also was being careful as I tweaked my back 5 days previous. Do feel like my game is on now. And am trying to beat people 6-0. I always offer to hit afterwards. To beat someone like that and then not offer, or even worse turn down their offer is in extremely poor form.

Read that a 16 hour fast is really good for you. Which equals simply skipping breakfast. Been doing so and feeling pretty good. ...except been eating a couple dates right before bed. So really only a 12 hour fast I guess.

OK. Almost to the end of my tennis experimentation. Two hand backhand with eastern forehand grip. Two hand forehand with semiwestern grip for topspin and slice. Attempting to hit volleys with both hands on racquet in eastern forehand grip. Overheads... I dunno. Maybe eastern forehand. Serves... down to messing with the serve. Experimenting with eastern backhand grip (almost) on the serve.

I've been successfully running 1/2 intervals (60 secs fast/120 secs slow). In the past my right knee couldn't handle this. In general potentially hard on the body. With short very controlled strides I've been ok for a week or two now.

Trying to eat applesauce every morning for breakfast (heated). Been doing so for almost a month now or so I think. Finally found a way to eat fruit. Having just rice, peas and tomato sauce usually for lunch. For dinner I eat out (indian, burritoes/fries, etc) or have good bread toasted with hummus or tomato sauce, or Amy's burritoes, or rice and beans/peas. In other words starting to truly eat healthy. Completely sworn off cheese which causes migraines for me (along with cancer and cardiovascular disease). And being careful of foods with preservatives (migraines). So really eating healthy finally. No salty chips (migraines/kidney stones). No chocolate (migraines). Not too much sugar (migraines). Thanks to migraines I eat healthy now! And I don't get migraines anymore it seems.

Zone One by Colson Whitehead
Recommended by Christopher Buehlman. Called pretentious by hundreds of amazon reviewers. Zombie apocalapse(sp). Not much of a story. Got distracted 52% in and forgot about it. Not sure I'll bother finishing. The main character is dull.

The Better Angels of our Nature by Steven Pinker
We're getting less violent he says. His evidence is convincing. He belabors the point. Stopped 25%. Should skim ahead as it very well could get interesting again.

Went to a book thing in Gaithersburg, MD. Just happened to be there for something else. I loved it. But these things are always so far away and I didn't love it quite enough to drive 4 hours just for it. Maybe someday when Hawthy is older I'll see about any in Pittsburgh... Anyway there must have been 100 published authors there. Only one fantasy fiction guy I think (not counting the children's area). Aire. I got a sample on kindle. It has the memorable line. "'Grandmother', said Annie's granddaughter." And so on.

But I did enjoy listening to this one lady who writes teen fiction go on and on. J did too. Got me wanting to write again. But I haven't. Was so hot though so we left early worried it was bad for Hawthy.

Steven Erikson's Malazan series.
Held off for the silly reason that I didn't want to read military fantasy fiction. Well maybe it wasn't so silly though. The first book is very inventive. Tattersail with her cards. What his name getting his soul but in a wooden doll. Moon's Spawn. But it goes a little overboard with powerful wizards popping up everywhere at the end. And no one person is quite likable enough. Paran almost. But not really. Book two isn't as good but supposedly it picks up again.

So after all these years I think that's it for S. Unless she makes an amazing and sudden turnaround. I became friends with her sister and my wife had a baby. Not sure if it was just one of these things or both. They both coincide with a very sudden and strange change in her behavior. Well I shouldn't say so strange. I've seen her act like this with other people. Why do I pick out the one person who I've ever seen manage to get fired as a hospital orderly? Why do I do this? Is it just that I'm attracted to broken people? That I want to fix them/help them? Or J wonders, do I want "friends" that I can feel superior to/have power over? It's definitely worth thinking about, but I really don't think the latter is the case.

I think perhaps part of it is that everyone is either boring or crazy and I keep choosing crazy. At least J is boring instead of crazy.

It does depress me that she did this. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. But then, it's nice not to worry abut people who keep trying to start shit with me also. I don't think I'm going to choose to hang out with any more crazy people. But as one gets older it gets harder and harder to make any new friends. Not sure I'll every make any more.

I caught some kind of flu thing. Had fever, coughing, etc, first time in many years. 5 days of azithromycin didn't work. Now finishing up levaquin. Wonder why I got sick after so many years of not being sick. Was stressed by trailer park half sister. Wondering if sleeping with my head by the papyrus plant....? Playing the melodica at trailer park half sister's house with all those kids. Who knows. Finally feeling better.

But Jo also caught it. Ten days of amoxicillin didn't work for her. Now they have her on azithromycin and albuterol. Worry about her being 8 months pregnant and so sick.

Went back to an exercise and eating program the primary goal of which is to sleep well as while being sick felt like I was starting to have sleep issues. So, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical with at least a 25 pounds pack 5 days a week (may gradually add weight and go slightly longer on weekends) followed by some running. The running I've decided to stop running on my heels. So trying to slowly build that up. It does feel better, but have to run pretty consistent to avoid calf soreness.

Number 2 in my tennis league now. Expect to reach number 1 next time I play the one guy ahead of me... Starting weighting all my racquets to at least 14 ounces. Have found tennis elbow goes away then, at least when playing with soft strings (natural gut or NXT). Now want to experiment with kevlar (18 ashaway) in a 14 ounce racquet. Probably serving at least will make my elbow hurt a bit. But possibly I can eventually move up to 15 or more ounces and be OK.

Like the 6.1 prostaff stretch best. The extender ripstick and thunderstick are a bit hard to manuver(sp) although I'm sure with practice I'd get used to them. But really prefer 6.1 stretch. lendl kniesel is nice. And have to mess around some more with prince graphite classic longbody with the extra weight added.

I have a tape reverb effect that I think sounds better for reverb than others. I really need to look into different reverb though. This I think has stopped my music dead. All I've ever used was free stuff. Have always suspected it makes a bigger difference than so much else. Just didn't want to put the money into it....

Pulled out bipolar murder music and bajskorv. Both really damn good. Missed them. Too bad the people behind the music aren't very smart.Need to fix up my reverb issue and try again to write somewhat similar music.

Still trying to get a hammered dulcimer stand.

Still reading the Cycle of Arawn trilogy. I can't stand the "humorous" banter between Blays and Dante. Also Mourn and Lira are barely there. Narashtovik has nowhere near enough detail. Why am I still reading this?

I added two strips of duct tape from 4 to 8 along the top of my stretch 6.1 prostaff and my tennis elbow lessened (it was not much to begin with, but pretty much altogether gone now). I had been afraid of doing such a thing because it makes the racquet relatively headheavy and that is supposed to cause tennis elbow. Wrong.

A heavier racquet reduces tennis elbow and it's a far more important factor than head light vs head heavy. Adding mass always reduces tennis elbow no matter if it's all put at the very top of the racquet. Head light vs head heavy only matters if you are talking about two equal weight racquets (and I guess with equal stiffness).

Realizing this makes me reconsider the extender ripstick, (as does buying another stretch 6.1 prostaff that is shorter than my current 27 and 5/8 as opposed to 27 and 7/8ths).

I've ordered a postal scale. I want to weight all my racquets to a bare minimum of 14 ounces. Probably will go a bit heavier than that.So the ripstick is only 9 ounces unweighted. I already added nails/cotton in the handle.

The extra weight on the hoop really helps the serve. Makes it harder to get around on balls hit with pace. Though not many people put so much pace and I already just chip serves back and in general hit a lot of slices.

I beat the #2 ranked player 6-4, 4-6 (9-7) (Jake E) this week. I served and volleyed a lot and sliced a lot. Previously he beat me 6-0, 6-2. In that match I tried to hit tons of topspin throughout and hit tons of erros. In this match I still hit a ton of bad errors. Net game could be a lot better. And he kept chipping short balls barely over the net. I should have managed better with them. I expect I'll beat him worse in the future. Also my serve wasn't very good. Was trying to hit the first flat/slice, no topspin and first serve percentage was maybe 20%. Need to hit topspin on all serves.

Barring injury I should be ranked one in this league soon. Up to 5 now. It put me in a good mood beating this guy after doing so bad last time. Discounting injury and my first match in a decade, I've only lost to one guy (that I didn't come back and beat later) in 4 or 5 months. That would be the top ranked player and I wasn't using my stretch 6.1 against him. Was using the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody unweighted. And I didn't have enough on the serve. Also I wasn't rushing the net much. (Hadn't started weighted elliptical workouts.)

Want to try to play Chameleons on my dulcimer. Caught some kind of sickness. Sore throat, coughing, etc. Haven't had this sort of thing in many, many years. J is much sicker, which is worrisome being almost 8 months pregnant. Reading a good book, Arawn trilogy. Plot is the usual crap but started out with a very detailed world and more 3d characters.

Last week ran four days with 5 lb dumbells. This was first time running more than twice a week along with first time in more than a year I used dumbells.

Previously it gave me insomnia. And finally on the 4th day, it did so again.

And insomnia combined with running 14 hours straight, for three days in a row, taking care of very sick people, is truly hell.

I've now had a few days of decent sleep and I've all kinds of upper body muscle from the dumbells. But that's just absolutely not going to work. I don't know why upper body exercise so often gives me insomnia but I think I'm going to slowly get a pretty wimpy upper body as I just can't stand that insomnia. Not in the job I have.

Today ran 2/2's on treadmills at 9.2/3.2mph. Just started using the treadmill as can't stand the weather. And now actually I'm curious about my speed throughout my interval sessions. Only did 5 miles today. 9.2 mph would be about a 20min 5k.

It seems 16 mile interval runs are really mentally tough. Hard to stay with them. But then each third week really should be easier anyway.... My right lung is hurting a bit. But then I found out the hops in beer have estrogen in them. And read of a small informal study that found men's running was hurt by beer while women improved. So I stopped drinking beer (which is an anti-inflammatory) and now my right lung hurts.

Really don't like wine or spirits and amazingly no one at all is making gruit locally. All the beer has hops. Such is this world. So I must get on the ball and start brewing my own unhopped beer. I noticed a difference in my libido immediately when I stopped... Not sure how much it really has to do with the lung issue of course. Have been very lax concerning flax meal lately....

Insomnia tonight. Been awhile. I guess a bit of light weightlifting must have been at least primarily responsible. I called off work. First day missing work in 8 months, so don't feel too bad. I used to have insomnia so much. For decades actually. It was awful. I don't know how I survived. ...oh yes, now I remember. I invented an evil god that was trying to kill me, whom I would live on just to spite. Oi vey. It was really bad. Although went to that extreme for more than just the insomnia.

But now I know how to not have insomnia. Don't lift weights! Seems ridiculous. But so it is.... So must give thanks for knowing what I have to do, to basically never have insomnia. Think of that. And not feel so bad about tonight.

Did 2/3's at the track today. I've made pitifully little improvement it seems in this area. Way back in summer did quarters just under 90 seconds. Not much difference now. This is what I need to improve on. Provided my right knee can handle it. No interval shorter than 3 minutes in last month because right knee couldn't handle it. Was feeling better but after today I can again feel it just a bit.

My back has been feeling very good last few weeks. And I mean it doesn't hurt in the morning from sleeping wrong. It hasn't been hurting at all. This again coincides with slower running. Slower running may just be better for my back and knees. But it means not getting faster.

Also been doing one arm dumbbell swings. No ab work lately. And riding an exercise bike while standing as upright as possible.

Yesterday I had a good bit of flax meal and made myself drink two beers before bed. Today knee was feeling pretty good. Decided to try to do 6/3's for this month. Just did 4 of them today. Will see about increasing volume and intensity and just simply improving. Want to get much closer to a full mile in 6 minutes.

Then 3 2/2's on the exercise bike. It was hard to do that with much intensity after running.

Back feels much better today also.

Feel physically good today.

Did notice I can watch my heart beating in the side of my ankle/foot. I wonder if that's a bad thing. I think it not so good as arteries are supposed to be deeper for a reason.

And on monday did a 4/1 six miles in 53:39. I'm not any good at 4/1's and doubt they're very useful anyway. But with my right knee feeling bad, I have to run slower.

Back lately is consistently bothering me. Probably the one armed rows. I'm running out of exercise I can do without pain.

Figured out this headache of the last two days. Once again it's nuts. Peanut residue on the mixed nuts, or maybe the brazil nuts? Guess it wasn't the chocolate wine.

Hurt/tweaked knee last week. Also hurt back. Both I guess from taking an elongated stride and/or + carelessness. Has left me demoralized though. And shall attempt to do 4/1's and 3/2's for the next month instead of 2/2's. Also trying to add in 20 minutes on the exercise bike afterwards. Was able to do a 4/1 yesterday although my knee is still tender. Should get it checked out...

Also wife won a chocolate basket. The chocolate wine has given me a headache. And when I get these headaches, they stay for at least 24 hours. Drank the wine yesterday at 3pm. Also didn't sleep well from the caffeine. Hadn't had headache in a while. Was hoping they were permanently gone. Then got one after eating old cashews. Hoping this is just really the result of having consumed caffiene which I normally never do. But still quite demoralized about this also.

Can hardly think with my head like this. Shall lay around and feel miserable probably rest of day and accomplish nothing.

Surprised myself and close gripped benched 110lbs for 18 reps on Monday. Other lifts had similar improvement. Wonder if all these 2/2's are strengthening my arms even.

Got out the jeans for the winter. They're all way too big around the waist. Need to buy a smaller size. They're a 36 inch waist. I might be down to a 32 at this point.

Same trail as last time but just in one direction and hit this really beautiful spot where I was in a valley and the trail was almost a perfect line going down the middle of it, perfectly flat and I could follow the line of the trail almost a mile off into the distance. Other than the trail, no signs of life in any direction.

Felt very fast today. Almost felt like I was sprinting, not briskly jogging, at times. Just a 2/2 for 100 minutes. Worry my right hip will start bothering me and I'll have to slow down but so far, feeling good. Making sure to put flax meal in legume stews.

I guess this run was around ten miles. Didn't really even touch me though. Might have to go a lot farther next time. Listening to Beethoven's 9th, 7th, 3rd.

Also at home been listening to the 5th and 8th. Beethoven said people liked his 7th so much more than the 8th basically because people are stupid. Well, I like the 7th the best of all of them. Although the ode to joy of the 9th is really good. Typical preferences.

CNRN exam tomorrow. Will be glad to get that over with.

I think the headache was actually caused by bad cashews (7 months past expiration date and wife says they tasted a bit funny). Food was having a metallic taste, along with the headache for two days. With that taste going away I went on a bit of a bender and had 4 beers while I was practicing cello. That's a fun way to practice. Probably not a good idea though... According to definitions I'm close to being a heavy drinker now. A single beer is like nothing. 'Slurp' Gone.

Would like to drink a lower ALC. Like 1 or 2% and drink a lot more. And just perhaps stay better hydrated that way. Kvass sounded very good. But I would have to make my own probably. Is a place near Pittsburgh that uses a tenth century Russian recipe. I love the idea of feeling like I'm living in the middle ages. But it's an unreliable a nano-brewery. The only one in the US making kvass...

Beethoven is way too modern to support that middle ages feel. Have to expand. Arvo Part is pretty good....

Why do I like feeling like I'm in the middle ages? Why do I want my stories to have that sort of setting? I dunno. Think because I want a pretechnology time. The far past. Yet no all the way to cavemen. That's all really. And then.... I thought the other day it's like a sort of suicide. Like I'm putting myself back in time with all the other dead people. And/or a preparation for the reality of my oncoming death.

I don't know. I don't have the feeling quite right at the moment. Have an exam. Thank god no more regular school.

But perhaps something like reconciling myself to the fact they're all completely gone with practically no trace at all even of their existence? No, not really.

Like I want their lives to not feel so futile. Not quite so completely dead and forgotten? Maybe that's part of it....

I ran on a different trail yesterday for first time in a very long time. Was a nice change. Trying to just do 2/2's twice a week. Previously my right hip started getting achy. Trying to make sure to put flax meal into rice and legumes at least once a day to reduce any potential inflammation. (Along with two beers each day.) Not keeping track of how far I'm running in a given time as that's been taking the fun out of things, even though I've been setting a PB just about every single week, if not every single run. Thinking to just do a 3 mile run once a month to check progress and otherwise hope to just do 2/2.... Certainly felt nice and fast today. And went for almost two hours. Probably could have used a bit more intensity....

Closegripped benched 110 for 15 reps on Monday, which surprised me. Have been getting almost back to previous strentgh despite weighing much less and eating a very slight fraction of my previous diet's protein.

For now best 3 mile run was 23:08. Feel like I should easily blow that away next time I try in a couple of weeks.

Got a headache really bad this morning for first time in many months. Pretty sure it was from eating pecan pie yesterday. Think there's a lot of eggs in pecan pie. Add that to list of things I never eat. That includes now:
-any meat
-any caffeine, (coffee, tea, chocolate....)
-peanuts
-eggs
-diary (but I still eat a bit weekly, just not many options here in hickland.)
-pecan pie (I will occasionally eat cake/pie's that contain a bit of egg and diary, but pecan pie is now officially forbidden, I'd really prefer to just eat candied pecans anyway, which hopefully weren't the actual cause...)
-also trying to limit intake of gluten and oils

Ran a 7/2 for the first time today, for 12 miles in 1:46:42. First 6 in 52:00, then tried to do 9 minute miles but last 2 miles slowed down a bit. Still PR's at least once a week.

Last week I didn't eat well. Had insomnia on Monday then ate kind of bad on T, W. Then after awful Th run, ate just a bit bad some more. And immediately gained a bit of flab around middle. They say it takes 6 months? for your body to reset itself at a given weight. But I don't really care too much. All my joints feel great lately. No hip pain, not even my right knee has been hurting anymore. Been putting a bit of flax into my bean and rice stews.

3/2 for 9 miles. First 3 in 26:25, first 6 in 55:00 (including walking the last two minutes), whole 9 miles in 84:45. Although here and there, ran beyond the three minutes. But definitely getting a bit better. Came just a bit short of one light short of half mile mark for first 3 minutes. Big pr's. 12s at 3 miles, 45s at 6 miles. 2 minutes at 9. Mainly have increased stamina to keep going. Maybe I'll go ahead and add that tenth mile now.

Then partial one legged squats. 55 each leg. Right leg felt pretty damm weak today. Knee had been hurting beforehand for no known reason.

And then weightlifting. Blah. Up to 13 reps for behind the neck press of 70 piddly pounds. And so on. Who cares. Oh, added close grip benches and pulldowns. So far haven't had any insomnia from the weightlifting. The lack of caffeine may be helping in that dept.

Haven't had a blueberry smoothie in a long time. Also doing quite bad on green vegetables. And flax meal for that matter. Have been using the rice cooker to cook rice and the crock pot to make beans. And drinking beer.

One nice recipe: package of black eyed beans, one tomato, half an onion, spoon of curry, some garlic, spoon of salt, some lemon juice, handful of cashews in the crockpot overnight. Eaten with rice from rice cooker. Trying to mix it up though. Different bean stew concoctions each time. That was my favorite one so far though. Such a cheap and easy way to eat. What held me back all those years?????

A 3/2 for 9 miles. First 6 in 56:04. PR by almost a minute. Finished in 86:55. Which was a 2 minute PR I think. Partial one legged squats played a big role I think. Maybe also the jolt of adrenaline at work on Saturday dealing with the pseudoseizure crazy lady. So that's one good thing about that. Thanks crazy lady!

Weight holding at 200 pounds. Considering adding a single set of chins and benchs... in with the overhead presses, curls and tri pushdowns. Maybe on Wednesday (off W, Th, F). Worried about getting insomnia.

Also bought a punching bag. Had one years ago. This way if I ever have to punch someone I'll hurt them so bad I'll go to jail for years.... Bought it because....? Maybe feeling wimply down here at 200 pounds.

Ran a 3/2 for 8 miles yesterday. Did the first 6 in 60:00, which is almost 3 minutes slower than previous. Had lifted weights once previously, the muscle memory gain really slowed me down, suspect in particular the gain in chest muscle hampered my lung capacity in the short term. Will be interesting to see if I gain a couple minutes back next time.

Didn't even do anything that really directly works the chest muscles, just swinging a dumbell around from behind my back to above my head. Just that clearly caused me to gain back chest muscle. The effect on my run yesterday reminded me of getting in a swimming pool after living at high altitude for a few years, like I just couldn't totally expand my lungs to get enough air in. Should be a very short term effect I think though.

I think, I've figured out a great diet, rice with beans/vegetables, or oatmeal, avoid oils, fat, eat vegan, avoid gluten, caffeine, etc, and then when the cravings to feast get to be a bit much, I drink a beer, which has roughly 170 calories, maybe I even drink two, which is still far less calories (and no fat) than I can easily otherwise put away.

At work where I can't drink beer, the cravings get to me after about 10 hours, and the last three days I've worked I've eaten a large bag of cashews which has more than 1000 calories. I need to stop doing that. Outside of work anyway I have a beer and I'm satisfied.

Seems slightly worth remarking that I feel very good today. Why?
Don't really know. Did a really hard run on Monday. A 2/2, 2 minutes of high intensity running then 2 minutes walk, for 4+ miles, then gradually going down to a 1/3 as I got really tired for 6 total miles. I've never done that much intensity for that far and I didn't feel great the next day. Head very slightly hurt. Not sure if it was related. Very slightly hurt with very slight nausea. Like a migraine except just the faint shadow of one, which lasted more than 24 hours.

Reading so many bits of books at once. Trying to read Bleakhouse using the audio function of the kindle. But not working well as the pausing is inconsistent. Sometimes no pause after questions or in the middle of dialogue, making it very confusing. Sometimes no pause at periods, while large pause after commas. Inconsistency is ultimately the problem. Then I glance at the page while driving which is dangerous.

Reading The Runner's Body by Matt Fitzgerald, et al. Which goes with this site:
http://www.sportsscientists.com/
Some useful stuff in it. Such as....
the dehydration myth. Very good to know as I guess I was worrying a bit much about staying hydrated. A lot of stuff I already know though.
Alcohol has anti-inflammatory properties and lately I've been having a beer with lots of ice in it late in the evening, maybe 3 times a week. Thinking about doing that every night. Beer never tasted so good and I think it's why I feel so good. In the past beer left me feeling too hot. And gave me insomnia. But I think it was somewhat psychosomatic. I thought it wasn't good for me and then imagined bad stuff going on in my body. Now I'm thinking it's good for me and feeling quite good.

I do think that aside from placebo effects, etc it really does help my running. Have started reading a ton of other books which I may or may not get into.

Checked BP at work other day. 107/72 Resting HR goes from 50 to 56.

1. And so today my feet don't hurt. My ankes don't hurt. My knees don't hurt and my hips don't hurt. I guess in part because of the omega three's? Also the change in running form. (I landing on my heels now, which supposedly is the wrong way to do it.)

2. No mysterious chest pains, probably thanks to no bench presses.

3. No back pain, mostly thanks to running.

4. No headaches thanks to having stopped consuming caffeine.

5. No insomnia thanks to no caffeine and no heavy weight lifting, at least primarily.

6. And I don't keep waking up at 3am each day. Well, I do so a few times a week. Which actually is nice occasionally. But a lot of days I sleep in till after 9AM. Perhaps thanks to the combination of quarter repeats and 6 mile runs?

No health issues whatsoever. Something I've very much stopped taking for granted. Planning on buying a new waffle iron today for my flax meal waffles. The one I have makes them too thick.