So adopted children match the IQ's of their adoptee families more closely than their biological parents when they are still living with their adoptee family. When they get out on their own, they end up reverting back to whatever their biologicals were, or more exactly they go off toward whatever their own DNA combo from their parents makes them. Which can be quite different of course from what their parents were.

I think that of course this can work both ways. The family you're stuck with can bring you down also and once you get out on your own you can slowly turn it around to some extent. Think this happened with me, though it took a while. My mom and stepfather were a huge negative for me and it took many years of being mostly away from them for me to rise up more or less to my potential.

So, when I look back at my childhood and who I was, how I related to other children, etc, it's all a bunch of shit. My father was extremely eccentric in his interactions thus I never learned how to interact with others. But worse, I lived in constant fear of him, his violent outbursts, his whole mindset of trying to beat me into being just like him, while having no ability to comprehend who I actually was.

In effect I have a lost childhood. A childhood full almost solely of negative memories. Which means I want to just forget it. But it's my foundation. And to the extent I forget my childhood, I wonder what that does to me. I find myself forgetting in general and wonder if it will lead to early althzeimers(sp).

I heard a bit of song on NPR last night in between show segments that was note for note the same as one of my songs and unusual enough that I'm not so sure it was coincidence.... I don't remember which of mine it was. And have no idea who wrote (or stole) whatever song it was I heard on NPR. I was thinking if it was indeed stolen I would only be flattered. I didn't bother to rush home and at least figure out which song of mine it was though. And in fact have forgotten the tune entirely at the moment. I just don't really care. If someone liked one of my songs enough to steal it, great, enjoy. It would be sort of funny if someone literally made an entire music career spanning decades just off of stealing what I write and post onto internet oblivion.

...skimmed though the top 60 and couldn't find it... But here's one I completely forgot writing. They sound so much better when I completely forget I wrote them. Thank god for forgetting.

not going back and ever rereading a diary/journal seems to mostly make it a waste of time. And I knew I wouldn't do so because primarily I wouldn't be able to stand how stupid I had previously been. This is like in Kundera's The Joke he finds an old diary he wrote as a teenager and he's so horrified and disgusted by what he wrote, that he rips the diary to shreds.

Wrote that almost two years ago. Now it's no longer true as I have indeed went back and read almost two years worth of a diary/blog/whatever. At times it was painful but it was/is an extremely important exercise, if nothing else, from the perspective of wanting to be a writer. I go back now and perhaps more clearly see when I wrote well and when I really didn't! But this is largely a matter of forgetting. The goal back then wasn't remotely to write well. I was often writing badly as I just thought things out. I knew and didn't care. The important thing was figuring out some thoughts. Anyway I haven't forgotten what I was about so much that I want to rip my diary to shreds. But if I had waited a decade instead of a couple years perhaps I would have wanted to.

...
Gormenghast certainly has it's moment. I don't like quite how much detail is put forth into scenery describing in the manner which he employs. I prefer Jack Vance's method. But Peake's characters. Their detail in personality, mannerisms and even physical appearance completely destroys certainly anything by Vance (Vance characters though horribly unvaried and usually nondescript) and anyone else for that matter. They are caricatures to an extent yet still with a level of insight that perhaps outdoes George Eliot.

In other news, thank god I only work one night shift a week. Night shift is awful. Bad sleep one day a week is standable but day after day slowly destroys one's body. Furthermore trying to stay up late on my days off is so depressing. Having to still do it once a week is nice just in having a continual reminder in how much better I generally have things now.

Was thinking in so many ways I do have it really well these days. My work is so different from day to day. And seeing so many different people at work is such a good thing. And the actual work is generally so positive of course. And J and I's combined income is very good. This house is wonderful. It really makes a difference having money. In many ways life is very good for me and after what I've been through both by bad luck and my own moral choosing, I deserve to now go ahead and enjoy life a bit, somewhat.