Friendship test I made up to avoid wasting time on someone who will eventually do something ugly to you. 
Give +1, 0, -1 or -5 for positive, neutral/unknown, negative or extreme negative. Stay away from people with a total score in the negatives. You can know people for years and never really know the answers to some of these questions but you
 can still get a good idea. If nothing else it can help with closure with past failed relationships.

1. Empathy/understanding Do they understand you? Do they understand others? Or do they misjudge? Are they quick to condemn?
2. Openness/honesty. Do they communicate well? Do they tell you what they're thinking? Do they admit negative things about themselves?
Do they keep from you what they're thinking? Do you feel like you need to read their mind? Do they refuse to talk about things? Do they actively lie?
3. Ethics. Do they seem only concerned about themselves? Do they just offer right up some crappy thing they did without understanding it was wrong?
4.  Intelligence/knowledge. Do they read books? Do they use google? Are they curious about the world? Do they like to learn new things?
5. Can they ever change their mind? Apologize? Admit they were wrong?

You can figure out #1, their empathy/understanding, by getting them to talk about others. Not necessarily nasty gossip about mutual acquaintances. Can be just someone in the news, speculating about their possible motives.

For #2 of course some people are great at lying but this is just as much about how open they are in general. Do they just really talk to you about all the stuff they're thinking? Do they ever admit to anything negative about themselves? If definitely yes,

they get a +1. If definitely no, they get a -1 even if they never actually lie. An additional issue here is people are unlikely to be open at first. Sometimes you're just ready to open up before they are. Don't be too quick to give them a negative score.

#3 can seem difficult to determine in that people hide the ugly unethical stuff they do. But just see if in general they show any concern for what you're feeling. Any concern for your happiness. You don't have to be a detective concerning their past but if they tell you they did something that sounds pretty bad in passing, don't let it pass. Question them about it.

J Seabolt 1. -1 2. -1 3. 0 4. 0 5. 0=-2
N Bula 1. -1 2. -1 3. -1 4. 0 5. 0=-3
B Pan 1. 1 2. 1 3. 1 4. 0 5. 0=3
J Sher 1. .5 2. 1 3. 1 4. 1 5. 1=4.5
S Nord 1. -5 2. 0 3. 0 4. 0 5. -1=-6
Donna H 1. 1? 2. 1 3. 1 4. -1 5. 0=2
J Simon 1. 1 2. 1 3. 1 4. 1 5. 1 =5
J Smith 1? -1 0 1 ? = 1??
T Joshi -5 1 1 0 -5= -8

J said something smart today. I go after people to be friends based on who seems intelligent, unique and needs help the most. Emphasis on the latter. Like at a party I go start a conversation with the saddest looking, most awkward person sitting in the corner by themselves. This is problematic for obvious reasons. I pick broken people who generally aren't able to quite treat me with the decency and respect that I give to them. And unfortunately, relationships are a power balance. The person who thinks they are inferior, will be unhappy in the relationship.

And so I went after S. She looked so miserable at work. Although also so honest. And unique. And I must admit I did like the way she looked....

Perhaps I'm making this up. Finding a way to make it OK to me that she isn't showing any concern for my feelings lately. It is bothering me that such is the case.

But perhaps she is feeling inferior? Maybe she doesn't even know. People don't know what goes on in their own mind.

Attempts to think are so often futile. I'm so lucky to have J though. Never any real issues in 16 years now. I could have been so miserable.

D. D sort of picked me. That probably works better, usually. I suppose J sort of picked me also.

Tried listening to minimalist tonight but I just want Chameleons. Just not getting tired of them. Years and years and years.


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The key to happiness in most relationships is finding a way to give people a free pass to not really treat you the way you would want to be treated. So try to remember such and such, who you have a good time with, really has some serious issues and that's just how they act... And so and so, who's company you really enjoy (mostly) unfortunately just isn't quite your equal, leading to subconscious malevolence.... And so on, find a way to give them free passes. Doesn't matter if it's bullshit. Or sounds elitist. Or whatever. Certainly don't share it with them. Just whatever works to stop you from getting upset. Because obviously someone is going to get treated like crap in 98% of friendships. Better it be the person most able to handle it. But when they steal your car, it's time to cut them loose. And this doesn't apply to your spouse. It's really good if you can manage to find at least one person in the world who actually measures up.

It's incredibly important to have some friends. I may be losing S after all these years. I so much as suggest heel striking (when her achilles is injuried from non-heeling striking in vibrams) and she loses her shit saying I'm always pushing crap on her. No matter what I say she accuses me of something. I've barely mentioned the concept of veganism to her in 5 years, I'm married to a omnivore for 13, yet, supposedly I'm constantly trying to convert her. Etc.

Wanted to talk with her about these issues... and she couldn't be bothered. I got angry. Thought it basically meant she was done with me and it was a shitty way to go about being done with someone. She claims otherwise but now, "needs some time away from me." I wonder if she is done with me but just doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So it needs to be my fault, etc.

Must remember this is a lady in her early 30's, who I guess isn't gay, who's never had a serious boyfriend. One way or another she has some issues.

I love that she keeps it real (extremely honest). I crave this so badly. It's why I tried to befriend people long distance who refused to actually speak to me. I need realness. BUT, keeping it real leads to fights, usually.

I hope she'll get past this and we'll be friends all our lives. But I'm having my doubts. Should I ignore all my past experiences or try to learn from them? "Learning" from them means being a suspicious bastard I guess. Lately trying to unlearn what life has told me. Trying to remember S is very "quirky".

You can only be friends with your equals in this world.

As things turned red, as things are red, I forget why am I sloshing through these pools of blood?

I had imagined something close to telepathy. Not actually but a speaking to a person as if we were literally in each other's heads and had no secrets. True understanding, no need to hide things. An understanding that hiding was absurd. But then to convey what to each other?

Nothing so special I suppose. The commonplace of life and reflections upon it. Simple plain actually meaningful friendships basically.

So that was lost then.

Instead a world where such doesn't exist, where it's inappropriate for me to call up anyone other than my parents or wife "just to talk".

But as I get older I care less and less. I adapt. Slowly, finally. Today the sun shines in brilliantly. Yes, the norfolk pine will get plenty of sun sitting right there. Dropped my fast running day down to 6.1mph and my knees feel fine. Now shall have a bit of hot chocolate and read some Gormenhgast. Summarize hellblog a bit later. Almost finished with part 1 of the summary now. Feel very good. I barely remember the concept of loneliness.