Had a dream that started out in the car with my Mom and two vague people in the back. Mom decided to take a short cut through someone's lawn in response to which I voiced my extreme disapproval. The short cut meant running over flowers and over a very small fence. Unfortunately the lawn's owner was there waiting and Mom had to then take an additional detour which ended up with her stuck and caught while the lawn owner called the police. Mom said I could just leave, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to take part in the punishment.

Dreams are art. The "lie" which gets us closer to the truth. Seemingly random stuff which symbolizes/analogizes our own lives. The first half of this dream could symbolize my mother's second marriage, which perhaps was a mistake, one which I got taken along for the ride, where just getting away maybe would have been for the better.

So I got out and walked away and decided to visit S. But I couldn't remember quite where she lived. Which was strange. It seemed as if the house was hidden. As if the evil god kept trying to make me forget in order to thwart my destiny. I finally managed to find the house anyway.

A beautiful, unusual house. She was living with her parents. I came in and met her dad. He looked just like Michael Parenti in the dream. I debated with myself if I should mention this. Normally I don't mention to people that they look like someone else. This time though, in want of small talk I did. He had never heard of him. Although he made a bet beforehand that whoever it was, he'd know them, then he attempted to pretend like he did, I think as a joke.

He had a puppy with him that had a strange furry tentacle-like growth coming out of the top of his back. They were planning on having it removed. I noticed the dog could actually use it though, could wrap it around things like a monkey tail and I suggested they let the dog keep it's tentacle.

During all this I debated going downstairs to see S. Problem was that I was married in the dream and on what pretext exactly was I here visiting her anyway?

...heard on some disgusting radio station the following: "Man rule number 13: Never call up another man, just to talk." Meant to be funny although the humor doesn't translate to words, the gruff "manly" voice is lost, and the comedic timing.

That is the social norms of our society. To call up another man just to talk would be gay and thus breaks the social norms. And to call up a woman just to talk means you want in her pants. In our society there is no reason at all that a man would ever call up anyone "just to talk" except that he wants to have sex with whomever he's called.

So to be there at S's house without a pretext will make it quite clear to her that I've got something inappropriate going on in my head. And I've spent my life not lying about anything, thus I'm pretty much incapable of dishonesty.

She finally comes upstairs before I go down, it's like a ladder that is used to come up and down from this lower room and she makes a quip about how I must have not wanted to use the ladder. She's pregnant and glowing. Really looks beautiful. And my heart gives such a hurtful jealous pang. She must be with someone now!

Dream basically ends here. In real life I don't have anything really to do with S now because I'm basically a hermit. A hermit because I'd rather stare at a wall than take part in the crap social norms of this society. I'd rather stare at a wall than lie to myself. I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with anyone but my wife and other relatives. And I don't want to waste any time outside of work with people who really will only ever be aquaintances. People I forever have to censor most I who I really am with. People whom soon enough will move away and never be seen again.

To have healthy meaningful relationships with other people is not allowed in this society and I'm not interested in the twisted pitiful stuff that is. Rather spend the next 40 years at home. Which isn't so bad really. As long as I don't spend it watching TV.

...well the aquaintances aren't useless. To have no social interaction at all is really not good. Luckily my work gives me a ton of interaction.

If someone is very hungry should they eat paint chips?

No, they shouldn't. They're not nourishing at all. Possibly even the opposite. Also time eating them is time they could be spending finding actual food.

If someone is lonely should they go to the internet hoping for interactions?

No, they shouldn't. It's not actually nourishing at all. And actually the interactions are usually toxic. Also it's time one could instead spend finding real live people to actually interact with.

Depressed about rift with S. The depressing part is J keeps bringing it up at work, trying to "fix" it. I've certainly nothing against S or J. Truly fixing the rift would though I think mean really explaining something to at least S, possibly J along for the ride which is highly depressing. And I've ended up thinking about that.

Which is: what's the point of bothering?

That is bothering to have anything to do with anyone. The way our society is set-up, plus what's "acceptable" behavior for a married man, there's not really much point in me even trying to have friends. I'm very close to simply not allowed to be close enough to people in a meaningful way. And the meaningless really doesn't interest me. I'd rather just stay home.

It's more possible/acceptable for women to be meaningfully close to one another. They are literally evolved to be better verbally, to comprehend facial expressions better even. And then it's socially acceptable for them to talk about their feelings with one another. For men to do so with one another would be "gay". And for a married man to do so with some other women is considered adulterous.

Furthermore, the concept of community no longer exists in modern America. My neighbors might as well be living in China. It would literally make no difference to me whatsoever. And the people I work with might as well also all live in China. It wouldn't matter at all.

So short of finding people who really have the same deep musical and/or philosophical interests as me, there's just no point at all.

Now if I was single, then yes, I'd have to go find one person. But I'm not allowed to be close in any meaningful way to more than one person. So why waste time on the meaningless?

Should I try to explain all of this to S and/or J?

Nope. To talk of such things is also outside of the acceptable, in that it's something deep and meaningful and not fake positive. Whatever I do with these people has to stay meaningless and again, why bother?

It was thinking along such lines along with imagining what my life holds from now to death that got me in such a state that I caused a "rift" with S in the first place.

Why am I virtually the only one saying this sort of thing?

Some few men may manage to have meaningful friendships beyond their SO but most are afraid of how they'll be perceived if they admit this sort of thing. Afraid to be perceived as friendless/lonely or unconformed. Or not questioning enough to consciously see that something's wrong. Or to emotionally dulled to see a point in any other way.