Went back to the soul cairn in Skyrim. This comes the closest to that place I have seen in my mind for so many years. I have the music playing in the background. Replaying Skyrim for it. Almost didn't find it.

My friend, Bekah, is going to be admitted to the hospital for some kin of mania. It happened 8 years ago before I knew her. I was hoping if it ever looked like it might happen again, I could help and stop it. But I have hardly seen her since she started feeling bad. Just her husband, who is very nice but I think not terribly bright. And with her parents tonight driving back from Georgia, where S just moved. S who was my close friend for so many years and now hasn't spoken to me in over 3 years. No particular reason ever given. I was very very worried about her going down there. But then Bekah said she was better. And hasn't seemed to want any advice.

I don't think this is how it should work. But I think this is what they want. I suspect they are wrong.

My tennis is its best ever. Except that I can't take the heat. 92 today and couldn't make it 3 sets of doubles lol. Could play 5 sets of singles (against most people) if it was 20 degrees cooler. Gasquet forehand. Federer backhand. Laver serve. Trying to get back into endurance running. Hoping it will help me stand the heat. People 20 years older can handle it better. Yes, I had open chest heart surgery. But surely I can make it back. Decided to run despite the agony looming over me. (Kidney stone that was pushed back up into my kidney where it has sat for 4 years so far.)

Driving home from tennis started cramping. First the muscle on the underside of my jaw. Then I sneezed and my abdominals. At home cramps in my back. Feet. And I was hydrated. I guess I could have done more though. The cramping as I drive down the highway is a bit dangerous. Totally devoid of energy the rest of the day. But not ready to give up tennis in the summer. Only in my 40's.

Dune and partial Dune Messiah by Herbert. Really enjoyed. Always loved the Lynch movie. Book follows very closely. I can understand what a let down book 2 was, but that's exactly as expected. It's simply realistic which is what fantasy usually isn't. But Herbert had a realism to him.

Tried Thomas Covenant by Donaldson again. Gave up when he committed rape. Somehow I forgot that from before. Perhaps was seriously skimming previously. Before gave up because he was such a whiny bastard.

Warbreaker by Sanderson. I liked it and .... what was it even about again...???? Oh yes. Gods. Breaths. Enjoyed but find it not even worth describing now. A few people come back after death. They can then do one miracle which will kill them. In the meantime they will die if they don't take someone's breath each week. Other people can take breaths and have special powers they can use without dying. Yeah just too complicated like most magic systems by Sanderson. Needs to stay more mysterious.

30% into Sapiens by Yuval Harari. Going on about how we were better off as hunter gatherers. Meh. Otherwise enjoyable.

Have been reading David Foster Wallace. I used to turn my nose up at writers that commit suicide. But some of these people are hooked on medications and when they get out of whack they do unfortunate things. But being hooked on the medications doesn't mean they are without wisdom. Anyway liked that he's intelligent and talks about tennis. So I read some of his essays. Don't know that I will read Infinite Jest. Ultimately I didn't discover anything special. Just tennis musings combined with a bit of a brain which was nice.

I haven't written anything in the last week. I was away to Seattle for "work". I did read Thomas Disch, The Genociders, which is about how earth is turned into a one crop garden while other life is exterminated. Tad bit depressing. And Frank Herbert's The Heaven Makers which wasn't as depressing as the MC was very intelligent and sort of prevailed. About how immortal aliens are behind the scenes controlling our behaviors in order to make movies.

And now 1/3 into Zelazny's ten volume Amber. Which I had read a part of before. There is something about it I liked before. It has a certain feel. But also I listened to a part of an audio version where Zelazny was reading it and it really made it better. I vaguely recall being in New Mexico at the time. But maybe I wasn't. I don't know. Something though about it like while at the same time something about it don't such that I hadn't already read the whole thing despite being a voracious reader of fantasy for many decades. Too much intrigue /mystery where the motives seem largely pointless. (To rule Amber). And I ask myself, would I be happy to have written this? And the answer is no. But over and over such is the case. All the best writing I find myself thinking this. I wouldn't have bothered and that's probably why I haven't bothered. And I think perhaps it's a sort of nihilism about life. So much of the stuff of life I can't get into. And so I don't write.

But Song of Solomon. That was a book that I would have been pretty happy to write. I can't at the moment think of anything else really. Some short stories. Death of Dr. Island. Chun the Unavoidable. But that's different.

So I have to think more about this. Read more Morrison. More magical realism.

I don't know perhaps I would have pretty happy to write most of the first two Fitz trilogies.

Played really good tennis today. Using only an australian grip. Including hitting a lot of non-dominant hand forehands. Two hours of doubles. The worst player was a retired lady who used to play pro. Played Goolagong. And I hit a non-dominant one hand forehand. And two hand backhand. A one hand backhand slice. A one hand backhand drive. And hit it all OK. The left hand forehand needs work. Hit with the former pro exclusively left handed for 20 minutes afterward.

In Seattle there was a grand piano that I played a lot. Synthesizers are just not the same. I am going to buy a piano. Haven't had one in more than a decade. Want to get back to being able to have prelude in c sharp minor by Rach memorized and others. I miss memorizing music. Weirdly I wasn't good at that with the cello. But as it's almost always just one note at a time, it's so much easier to sight read. But memorized music is so much more enjoyable and I'm sorry but the piano is more enjoyable.