Went out to dinner with wife and S and I think I had too much alcohol. Was a glimpse into one way, at least, in which adultery may happen. The way of just straight up stupidity. Straight up brain vacancy. Nobody, no nothing at all, at home.

But my, aren't you pretty?

Let's pull out the magnifying glass to take a closer look at this horrid monster. This evil. What are some other ways that people manage to do such a hurtful thing as adultery?

1. Not thinking the person will be hurt. Either because the way they treat you, they must not really like you anyway. Perhaps you'd both be better off with a divorce? Or I don't know, you wouldn't really give a damm if they did the same in return? Because you don't really feel quite the same way about them. (This is why love is so vaguely defined. We never feel exactly the same about each other.)

2. Alcohol-Wife? I have one?

3. Trying to purposely hurt your spouse, because they've hurt you.

4. Worst of all. I like a lot of tail and I thought I could get away with it. (Yes, there really are people out there for whom, that's it. That's all the thinking going on. But I just can't comprehend it at the moment. The people with no over-ego.)

5. Oh yes. People who aren't fulfilled with their lives who expect one single other person to be their everything. And so you get married and wait, you're still not really fulfilled. Well maybe this other women will do the trick. Nope. Try again. And again.

I think the problem last night is that I couldn't hear what was being said very well and was left mainly just with this pleasing vision for hour after hour. I shouldn't go beyond two drinks unless I'm up moving around. Then 2+ can really be fun.

Depressed about rift with S. The depressing part is J keeps bringing it up at work, trying to "fix" it. I've certainly nothing against S or J. Truly fixing the rift would though I think mean really explaining something to at least S, possibly J along for the ride which is highly depressing. And I've ended up thinking about that.

Which is: what's the point of bothering?

That is bothering to have anything to do with anyone. The way our society is set-up, plus what's "acceptable" behavior for a married man, there's not really much point in me even trying to have friends. I'm very close to simply not allowed to be close enough to people in a meaningful way. And the meaningless really doesn't interest me. I'd rather just stay home.

It's more possible/acceptable for women to be meaningfully close to one another. They are literally evolved to be better verbally, to comprehend facial expressions better even. And then it's socially acceptable for them to talk about their feelings with one another. For men to do so with one another would be "gay". And for a married man to do so with some other women is considered adulterous.

Furthermore, the concept of community no longer exists in modern America. My neighbors might as well be living in China. It would literally make no difference to me whatsoever. And the people I work with might as well also all live in China. It wouldn't matter at all.

So short of finding people who really have the same deep musical and/or philosophical interests as me, there's just no point at all.

Now if I was single, then yes, I'd have to go find one person. But I'm not allowed to be close in any meaningful way to more than one person. So why waste time on the meaningless?

Should I try to explain all of this to S and/or J?

Nope. To talk of such things is also outside of the acceptable, in that it's something deep and meaningful and not fake positive. Whatever I do with these people has to stay meaningless and again, why bother?

It was thinking along such lines along with imagining what my life holds from now to death that got me in such a state that I caused a "rift" with S in the first place.

Why am I virtually the only one saying this sort of thing?

Some few men may manage to have meaningful friendships beyond their SO but most are afraid of how they'll be perceived if they admit this sort of thing. Afraid to be perceived as friendless/lonely or unconformed. Or not questioning enough to consciously see that something's wrong. Or to emotionally dulled to see a point in any other way.