Played in a tennis tournament a minute from home in mens open and 35 and up. Had a good time. Played four pro set matches. Two easy wins and then played respectable in losing to two good players. Didn't have enough offense. Have been trying to hit a one hand forehand. Meh. Switched grips since tournament to berasetegui(sp). That way I can really take a rip without feeling tentative. ROS two handed though. Would really like to hit one hand backhand also but perhaps I should wait a bit on that. Hit some terrible shots here and there with it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Started occasionally eating chocolate again. I'm a bit of a different person when I do. Just once every 2 to 3 days. The effect is long lasting. It's a drug. Supposedly reduces AFIB risk.

Continuing sternum issues. Last two nights slept on my back and it felt a bit better in the morning. (only bothers a little really in the morn lately). They say it doesn't matter how you sleep. I think they're wrong.

Feeling really good otherwise. Trying to go for a job after son goes to bed. Making sure to hit some hills without breathing hard. Love this time of year. The good weather. The sun up for 15 hours. The verdancy. My bamboo grove getting really big. This is the longest I've ever gone in my life without having someone treat me badly. I mean, actively. Certainly there are evil people who should be apologizing for what they've done who instead I have nothing to do with. But no one is actively actually doing anything ugly to me. It won't last I suppose. Well maybe it's a perk of getting old. People won't go after me as much. Perhaps I don't trigger their issues as much. Now I'm just some old person. Though certainly there are people I try to be nice to who aren't remotely nice in return. But whatever to them.

For instance, Colin White on facebook. It says he read the message. He never responded. Just weird. Kenny Koay. He has 168 friends. He didn't accept my friend request. ???? Hannah Hinton I guess doesn't want to play tennis with me. Why that is I couldn't say. That's little stuff. There is of course still Sarah N. Still basically her sister is like my best friend other than Jo. Still Sarah doesn't speak to me and I can't imagine her ever admitting she's wrong and I guess it's best to just stay away from such a person. Though I suspect she just couldn't stand how much she wanted me, lol. Maybe not. I don't know. She has such serious issues.

I think chocolate really fueled my creativity for years. But I worry I'm really playing with fire. I plan on eating chocolate chip cookies tomorrow for breakfast.

Things I wish I had known when I was 10:
1. Hit a forehand with your arm straight and don't pull your head up. Latch on to Dr. White, kiss up to Greg Patrick, so on. Kiss up hard to other adults as your own parents won't do anything for you.
2. Most running should be done without breathing hard. Breath hard like every 5 to 7 days.
3. Best to run at night. Don't bother eating afterwards unless the exercise was anaerobic.
4. Anaerobic exercise is what's giving you insomnia.
5. Stop eating meat. You don't need it to be strong. And you already know it's unethical.
6. Stop trying to bulk up/get huge. 210 pounds is plenty. Perhaps you're just doing this in response to being bullied and / or not getting anywhere with the chicks. The first reason is very sad. The second is dorky. And there's no magical way to get crazy strong. Arthur Lydiard had it right. Short of PEDs you max out within a couple months at most.
7. Try being a bit less idealistic. People aren't going to be honest with you. They don't even know how to be honest with themselves. They aren't going to discuss their differences and come to reasonable agreements / learn from one another. They mostly just start fights.
8. Instead of approaching dating like a game where the goal is to get someone to like you, ask yourself: do you actually like this person?

Really though I had no chance ultimately. I've often thought back about what I would change concerning the bigger more important stuff and there is nothing I could have done that was legal. I needed different parents to have any chance at all. I suppose I should have found some decent adult and latched on to them. Told them how bad my home situation was. But even that... who would that have been...??? Maybe Dr. White. No one else comes to mind.

But I wasn't smart enough for that. Instead of trying to change my situation I tried to make the best of it. Making the best of it I guess for me seemed to include not facing what it really was. Of course changing it would have been just about impossible anyway. Really I had no chance at all. I was thrown out into it without any chance and I was lucky to survive. I wish though I had understood better how ill prepared I was thanks to what my home life was though. I think the resulting humility would have been good.

So I think the weighted back pack made my sternum separate a bit. Slight discomfort when yawning. Lots of cracking, etc when rolling over in the recliner. Sent a message to surgeon about getting an x-ray. It's tolerable I guess but pretty sure it hasn't completely healed. Hope it gets better than this. Though I never notice it with running or tennis.

I broke that kinetic racquet. Reflexively through when getting very frustrated with unforced errors when play Jay (winning ugly) C. He kept hitting a high bouncing junk ball to my backhand. Previously I handled it fine but in the tournament I kept hitting unforced errors on it (so of course he just kept hitting the same junk.) I eventually figured it out but by then I had lost the first set 6-2. And broke my racquet. Not a premeditated throw. Hate it when I see pro's purposely break their racquet.

Occurred to me to keep my arm straight and then maybe I can hit a one hand forehand without injury. Have been doing that for a couple weeks and haven't had arm issues. For the heck of it I also switched to a very light oversized racquet. Hammer system thing. Weighs a little less than 11 ounces. Until I add a grip which means it's very headlight anyway. Plenty of power with it. Hitting too many unforced errors with one hand forehand so far. But liking it for now. And hitting ROS two handed. Also really practicing one hand backhand. Secret is to not use wrist. Hope to eventually really use it in matches. With the exception of the two hand forehand slice, one handed feels better. At least when hitting topspin.

Oh what else. Getting pretty bored talking about tennis. Rereading Chron of Narnia. I do believe Planet Narnia is true but I don't think it's a really big deal. Lewis was a good author. I loved these books as a kid. Of course someone could write the same today (and assuming they weren't already a well known, prolific writer and cambridge professor) and they probably wouldn't get published.

I still vaguely think of writing.

Started playing MTG with Bekah and her fiance. Since perhaps September of 2016. Finally put together a good standard deck. White mono for standard. Won 5 out of 9 in local tournament and really should have won 6 out of 9 at least in terms of how good the deck was. And of course I put it together entirely on my own, didn't look it up online.

So whatever to that, kind of silly. But you know, such is life. Think I could have really loved it when I was about 12. I will continue to play it. Though I suspect I'll eventually get a tad bored. And I can't imagine ever playing Modern. Far, far, far more cerebral than other card games. Possibly too cerebral. Too time consuming. If you're not just copying a deck.

With the "loose ball bearing racquet". The kinetic? Oversized, extra long racquet. With it I've been playing very well. Using a double continental grip and trying to serve kind of like McEnroe. Beat Ron something 6-0, 6-3, 4-2. Previously I've always won but our matches have been much closer. He gets everything back. And today beat Drew the 6'8" high schooler, 6-3, 6-1. We had played 4 times previously and he won each time, including 6-1. 6-0, 6-0 the previous time. So I'm playing really well now. People are having a really hard time breaking my serve. Drew did once in almost 3 sets. Ron the same I think. Feel like my forehand is nothing. But it's working. Lots of slice. Lots of drop shots. Along with hitting it flat. Controlling the horizontal really well. And my agility is improving. Using elliptical with a weighted pack.

Worried my arm is going to start hurting. Feel the slightest hint of the beginning of that. Not sure if it's the racquet or the elliptical plus tennis plus hitting a one hand forehand exclusively for a while. Or a bit of all three... May stop using arms on elliptical for a while.

And then it just feels too random and I stop writing. The inconsistency is not an issue. Just the aimlessness.

Reread Islington's book The Shadow of what was lost. Throughout I remembered what was going to happen just shortly before it happened. A decent book. Again Malshash losing it is what sticks out the most. Already can't remember the main character's name. Torr and..... he's just a forgettable guy. Sort of like Harry Potter with less adversity even. Just forgettable. Caeden is better in that he has lost his memory and memory is interesting to me.

Book 2 comes out in a few months.

Now reading Planet Narnia where Michael Ward talks about how Lewis thought you had to be enjoying it on a subconscious level. That there had to be stuff going on that you didn't realize was going on. Stuff that Lewis didn't tell anyone was going on. Unconscious, Enjoyment, Contemplation.
Astrology/Astronomy back in the middle ages. 7 stars that moved around while all the others stayed in the same place. In a time without light pollution when every saw the Milky Way. How I wish there were laws against light pollution. 12 hours a day there it was. So brilliant. Everyone thought it mattered. Had an effect. The Beautiful Heavens. Now mostly just ignored. Barely visible anyway. And science has taken all the magic out of it.

And that anyway it wasn't the random hodgepodge that critics claimed it was. It was very much not random. And that interests me very much at the moment. I always discard. Never come close to finishing anything.

Played Jay C very close. With a 11.3 ounce racquet and trying to hit a Nadal forehand he beat me 6-2, 6-0. Despite me serving pretty well. Slower pace but first serve percentage like 60% at least. With the Precision Equipe I did beat the owner 6-1, 6-3. I think Jay C has been improving though. I then played Hannah H, the girl who should have gone pro. Really think she could have been top ten. But injury. Anyway previously with the oversized dunlop we split sets, this time with much lighter racquet she crushed me 6-1, 6-0, 5-0. Worried she won't play me again... :( Switched back to oversized Dunlop and played Jay C 6-7, 4-2. Also switched to double continental grip. Repeatedly I've had success with double continental. So going to stick with it though it feels awkward on forehand. But it works. Lots of slices. Some drop shots.

And then used that weird "loose ball bearing" racquet. Can't remember name at moment. 1# problem with it is that I could only find one. Well others cost $259. Used it with John McEnroe serve style and it was the best I've ever served. Kicking it out to the right, slicing it to the left. Nice power. Decent number of aces. The slice out wide on deuce court especially effective. And for once getting it up the middle decently. But it's lighter than the Dunlop and not quite as good on groundstrokes. So.. shall see. May add some weight to it. Or take some away on Dunlop and see if that helps my serve. It's just too heavy to handle well on the serve, though great for two handed shots.

First I went back to the end of the hall to check on all the people. The door still stood open, still quite broken as I had left it. Everyone inside was still asleep. Every single one. All sleeping quite hard. I wandered the house a bit. First trying all the doors as I went back up the hall. All locked. At the end of the hall were circular stairs only going downward. All was beautifully engraved and varnished wood. Downstairs I found a large room with an empty fireplace and many chairs and couches. Many books that I longed to read for some understanding of where I was. But I heard what sounded like food cooking through a door at the other side of the room. I found her in a large kitchen all alone having breakfast. Like all other rooms the windows were very high up showing only the sky with sunshine lighting up the room. She was eating fruit and fried potatoes. More simmered on the stove.

With no preamble she said, "It's only temporary you know. I haven't figured out what else to do but obviously this isn't a permanent situation."

"How much of each day do they spend sleeping?"

"About half the day."

"And then what?"

"They play games. Card games. Drink wine. Play music. Dance. They are happy."

"They never remember? They never care that they don't?" I asked.

"No. Never."

"So is it the fruit or the whatever that brought them here is or this just some really bad inconsistent writing?"

"Now you've ruined everything!"

"Wanna fuck?" I asked.

"It's like Lewis' Devil on Venus. What weapons do you have? Let's put out bait and a trap for this beast."

"What could be bait?"

"I could."

The house was massive and we the two of us went through the rooms together looking for supplies. I found a shovel quite easily. The hard part would be some kind of tarp, or blankets. I would make a pit with just a very narrow walkway and platform in the middle where I would wait. The beast would fall in when it came for me. I would cover it with a thin layer of topsoil with grass.

There was no wheel barrow but there were baskets. There was this house which I ought to give an interesting description but somehow don't feel like thinking in that direction. That's a paucity of creativity I supposes. And the real reason why I've failed. Baskets, shovels, ropes. It would take a good bit of work and would only fool a dumb animal.

"Lady what is your name and why haven't I ever asked before now?"

"My name is Sybel. And although you aren't like the others. You are still somewhat affected I think. Does it just now seem strange to you that you never asked before?"

"I'm not sure." I mused. "It just now occurred to me it's the sort of thing one asks when first meeting someone. But perhaps I've never thought names really matter."

"Can the others help?" I asked. "Do they come outside?"

"I'm sure they can dig and transport the dirt." Sybel said.

"....and what is my name I wonder?"

I go down the hall to see them. They are all just laying around. I walk right up to a young lady and forcefully make eye contact until she finally gradually focuses on me.

"Hello! What is your name?"

She smiles sweetly, "I don't know."

"My god how terrible to not remember your name!" I exclaim.

She laughs, "No. It's fine."

"If you forget everything, it's pointless to do anything. Existence is pointless! How could that be fine?"

She laughs again, "Oh aren't you an impressive philosopher. Come sit with me and philosophize about philosophy."

I take a deep breath. "I'm going to call you Sunny. How's that? Can you remember your new name?"

"Oh perhaps. Why Sunny?" she asks.

"You have blond hair and you're so happy. Do you even remember that your hair is blond?"

She snorts and grabs a bit of her hair and looks at it and giggles.

"Do you remember how to poop and pee or does someone have to come and clean you?"

"You're questions are a lot of work." she replied.

"Stop bothering her!" yelled the Lady who had snuck up behind me. "What are you trying to accomplish talking to them like that?"

"Because forgetting isn't the answer," I say.

"How would you know? You are no different than her. Or have you remembered something?" she asked. "None of them ever have."

And yet again I lost to Jay C. This time quite bad 6-2, 6-0. But I didn't play very bad. Somehow he won 9 games in a row though. I wish I had it on tape... My first serve percentage was probably 65% which is extremely high for me. The much lighter racquet I think made a difference. Although I also wonder about how I've changed my serve. Leaning backwards like Becker, Sampras or say Thiem for example do. And then spinning into the court so that I can control the horizontal direction based mostly on how much I spin.

Also I did my new western forehand grip against him. But unlike the owner, he would hit it at my forehand on the serve, which it's a big ole looping swing. Could return serve well with it. After that I thought it was decent. But on the serve I think I want to return two handed.

My serve was really good but Jay C has an incredible ROS. Kept slicing it right at my feet. Never got any free points. And his serve was quite good. Very high first serve percentage. Hitting it to my forehand or out very wide to the backhand. Just far enough out that I couldn't quite catch it good.

He just played great. And actually the forehand needs work. Was pulling my head away early. And then a bit tentative with trying to make sure not to pull my head away. And again ROS issues. But we were both running all over the place. Lots of long points. Both serving great. Probably entertaining to watch. Game score just looked like a blow out.

This was with racquet (Prince Precision Equipe, 90's racquet 28 inch) strung at only 42 with NRG. Going to try tomorrow at 37 against a very easy opponent. Will be able to practice my ROS like Fabrice. And then switching to like Sock/Nadal beyond ROS. Got to keep my head down on that forehand.

Arm feels great.