So adopted children match the IQ's of their adoptee families more closely than their biological parents when they are still living with their adoptee family. When they get out on their own, they end up reverting back to whatever their biologicals were, or more exactly they go off toward whatever their own DNA combo from their parents makes them. Which can be quite different of course from what their parents were.

I think that of course this can work both ways. The family you're stuck with can bring you down also and once you get out on your own you can slowly turn it around to some extent. Think this happened with me, though it took a while. My mom and stepfather were a huge negative for me and it took many years of being mostly away from them for me to rise up more or less to my potential.

So, when I look back at my childhood and who I was, how I related to other children, etc, it's all a bunch of shit. My father was extremely eccentric in his interactions thus I never learned how to interact with others. But worse, I lived in constant fear of him, his violent outbursts, his whole mindset of trying to beat me into being just like him, while having no ability to comprehend who I actually was.

In effect I have a lost childhood. A childhood full almost solely of negative memories. Which means I want to just forget it. But it's my foundation. And to the extent I forget my childhood, I wonder what that does to me. I find myself forgetting in general and wonder if it will lead to early althzeimers(sp).

I caught some kind of flu thing. Had fever, coughing, etc, first time in many years. 5 days of azithromycin didn't work. Now finishing up levaquin. Wonder why I got sick after so many years of not being sick. Was stressed by trailer park half sister. Wondering if sleeping with my head by the papyrus plant....? Playing the melodica at trailer park half sister's house with all those kids. Who knows. Finally feeling better.

But Jo also caught it. Ten days of amoxicillin didn't work for her. Now they have her on azithromycin and albuterol. Worry about her being 8 months pregnant and so sick.

Went back to an exercise and eating program the primary goal of which is to sleep well as while being sick felt like I was starting to have sleep issues. So, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical with at least a 25 pounds pack 5 days a week (may gradually add weight and go slightly longer on weekends) followed by some running. The running I've decided to stop running on my heels. So trying to slowly build that up. It does feel better, but have to run pretty consistent to avoid calf soreness.

Number 2 in my tennis league now. Expect to reach number 1 next time I play the one guy ahead of me... Starting weighting all my racquets to at least 14 ounces. Have found tennis elbow goes away then, at least when playing with soft strings (natural gut or NXT). Now want to experiment with kevlar (18 ashaway) in a 14 ounce racquet. Probably serving at least will make my elbow hurt a bit. But possibly I can eventually move up to 15 or more ounces and be OK.

Like the 6.1 prostaff stretch best. The extender ripstick and thunderstick are a bit hard to manuver(sp) although I'm sure with practice I'd get used to them. But really prefer 6.1 stretch. lendl kniesel is nice. And have to mess around some more with prince graphite classic longbody with the extra weight added.

I have a tape reverb effect that I think sounds better for reverb than others. I really need to look into different reverb though. This I think has stopped my music dead. All I've ever used was free stuff. Have always suspected it makes a bigger difference than so much else. Just didn't want to put the money into it....

Pulled out bipolar murder music and bajskorv. Both really damn good. Missed them. Too bad the people behind the music aren't very smart.Need to fix up my reverb issue and try again to write somewhat similar music.

Still trying to get a hammered dulcimer stand.

Still reading the Cycle of Arawn trilogy. I can't stand the "humorous" banter between Blays and Dante. Also Mourn and Lira are barely there. Narashtovik has nowhere near enough detail. Why am I still reading this?

How for me to be happy:
1. Be myopic-mostly keep a narrow focus, keep distracted by little things like playing the cello, a sport, reading a book.
2. Selective forgetting-wake each day and forget the repetitive nature of life and all the ugly things that have happened and are going to happen again and again.
3. Find a way to get outside, even in the dead of winter
4. Limit your time spent with people who:
A. can't be reasoned with
B. don't understand you
C. don't actually like you
5. Without breaking #4, spend a good deal of time worrying about the happiness of other people, even if 4 applies to them
6. Lots of fruit smoothies and broccoli

I added two strips of duct tape from 4 to 8 along the top of my stretch 6.1 prostaff and my tennis elbow lessened (it was not much to begin with, but pretty much altogether gone now). I had been afraid of doing such a thing because it makes the racquet relatively headheavy and that is supposed to cause tennis elbow. Wrong.

A heavier racquet reduces tennis elbow and it's a far more important factor than head light vs head heavy. Adding mass always reduces tennis elbow no matter if it's all put at the very top of the racquet. Head light vs head heavy only matters if you are talking about two equal weight racquets (and I guess with equal stiffness).

Realizing this makes me reconsider the extender ripstick, (as does buying another stretch 6.1 prostaff that is shorter than my current 27 and 5/8 as opposed to 27 and 7/8ths).

I've ordered a postal scale. I want to weight all my racquets to a bare minimum of 14 ounces. Probably will go a bit heavier than that.So the ripstick is only 9 ounces unweighted. I already added nails/cotton in the handle.

The extra weight on the hoop really helps the serve. Makes it harder to get around on balls hit with pace. Though not many people put so much pace and I already just chip serves back and in general hit a lot of slices.

I beat the #2 ranked player 6-4, 4-6 (9-7) (Jake E) this week. I served and volleyed a lot and sliced a lot. Previously he beat me 6-0, 6-2. In that match I tried to hit tons of topspin throughout and hit tons of erros. In this match I still hit a ton of bad errors. Net game could be a lot better. And he kept chipping short balls barely over the net. I should have managed better with them. I expect I'll beat him worse in the future. Also my serve wasn't very good. Was trying to hit the first flat/slice, no topspin and first serve percentage was maybe 20%. Need to hit topspin on all serves.

Barring injury I should be ranked one in this league soon. Up to 5 now. It put me in a good mood beating this guy after doing so bad last time. Discounting injury and my first match in a decade, I've only lost to one guy (that I didn't come back and beat later) in 4 or 5 months. That would be the top ranked player and I wasn't using my stretch 6.1 against him. Was using the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody unweighted. And I didn't have enough on the serve. Also I wasn't rushing the net much. (Hadn't started weighted elliptical workouts.)

Want to try to play Chameleons on my dulcimer. Caught some kind of sickness. Sore throat, coughing, etc. Haven't had this sort of thing in many, many years. J is much sicker, which is worrisome being almost 8 months pregnant. Reading a good book, Arawn trilogy. Plot is the usual crap but started out with a very detailed world and more 3d characters.

Once again mom, sister and stepfather manage to start some drama at the holidays. And this is the last time. I'm done. I do not want to ever see any of them again. I told this to my mom. Haven't actually told my stepfather yet. It's been absolute hell dealing with these people for the last 40 years. They don't give a shit about me, who I actually am. It's impossible to reason with either. I should have never had anything to do with them again once I left at 17. But I bent over backwards and put in 23 more years of hell.

No more.

Next will come the manipulative behavior. They will accuse me of literally killing my mother by not continuing to put up with her shit. As opposed to her being in bad health because she eats nothing by chocolate eclairs, massive drugs, etc most days. Her not getting to see her grandchild will be the end of the world. I will be portrayed as a demon. I will be slandered, etc.

What incredible hell they have been to me. Anyone else and I simply would have had nothing to do with them so long ago. They disgust me. They sicken me. Their lack of consideration for others. Their lack of a moral compass. Their rightwing unquestioning obedience mindset. Good lord, I can't stand it. I can't believe I put up with it all these years. Such good manipulators though.

In other news finished The Shadow of What was Lost by James Islington. The fact one of the main heroes lost his memory and isn't even sure what side he's really supposed to be on is a little annoying. Things are just too uncertain. Some mystery is good but this one goes a bit too far. There were some good scenes. Malshash going crazy was good. The injustice the Gifted face could have been explored more. I'm not looking to see if the follow up has been written yet.

Played Art R for the third time and this time won 6-0, 6-1. Just sliced the ball in the corners, he can't run. Next played some doubles and some guy who's name I never heard in singles. Beat him 6-4,7-6. Think he was deceptively good. Afterwards found out it was Ron H who was actually ranked above me, lol. The guy had no passing shots... I guess that moves me up to 7th in the league. He could run and didn't hit errors but also I've added two things of duct tape as a bumper guard and to make my racket heavier (6.1 prostaff stretch)(enlarged sweet spot/more power). Made my serve bigger. Don't think I need it any bigger now. Hurt my groundstrokes, hitting errors on slices I normally wouldn't hit. But I think in the long term it's a good thing. Started just hitting topspin forehands and they were better than usual also. Slower swing thus more controlled. The slice is just maybe a more delicate thing now.

Also served and volleyed more than ever before. Normally I just don't physically feel quite like sprinting up to the net over and over again. I think using the elliptical with a weighted backpack has strengthened my legs, also jumping in place for now 4 minutes straight most days. Don't expect that matters as much but can't say for certain.

Really getting a game now where it's hard to break my serve. IOW a pro style game.

The weighted racquet helps my volleys for the most part also I think. Will take some getting used to.

Finally my elbow didn't bother me at all for the first time in a very long time. Clearly thanks to the added weight.

Wish I had used the prostaff stretch against Jay C. Instead used the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody which doesn't hit as big of serves. Gave him an easier time in breaking my serve. Look forward to playing him again. Though I will need some time still to get used to the heavier racquet for groundstrokes.

Very lazy with the endurance running lately. Found myself breathing hard while playing tennis. Though played 2.5 hours (including hour of doubles which is no work) without tiring at all. Plus it's so damn cold out and don't really enjoy fast running on treadmill. Did elliptical with a 50 pound pack though. Think that's a really good thing to stay in good health.

Tuned my dulcimer to Emajor/C#minor. Funny how clumsy my left hand is relative to right, but working on it. It's really beautiful sounding. Enjoy it more than cello and compares well to piano even.

Beat some older guy Richard S 6-3, 6-3. Was lowly ranked but seemed pretty decent. Played smart. Stumbled onto 2012 rankings and he was rated top 5 out of 40 people then... Then played the number one ranked guy in the league Jay C. He won 6-4, 6-2. And he was just a bit better. Thinking what I could have done differently... Could have practiced putting away loopy soft balls. But then he simply wouldn't have hit them as much. He was extremely good at mixing it up and feeling me out for weaknesses. My one hand topspin backhand is still a weakness though improving. This was the first time I used just an eastern grip on it. But only hit it when he rushed the net. My slice was sometimes good, sometimes not aggressive enough.

His net game was excellent. Mine was really bad in comparison. And my serve wasn't powerful enough, I think. But he made it look effortless to get to everything. He always moved so smooth. I had switched back to the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody for this match. Think maybe it's not quite as good for serves... But it could just appear that way based on who I'm playing... Against the previous two opponents with the prostaff 6.1 stretch, my serve certainly seemed huge. In the second set against Jay C I really went away from speed and more towards placement which maybe was a mistake. I hate hitting double faults but against this guy some free points would have been nice. This guy really made me work. I didn't feel bad about losing. He was better. Still with a bigger serve it would have been closer. So back to the prostaff stretch.

Maybe my groundstrokes were better with the PGCL. Or maybe not. Was using a different grip. Also different strings. Put cow gut in the prostaff now and with eastern/western will see how I hit groundstrokes. Finally got hitting partner and going up tomorrow...

Played the last 3 games against Jay C with my prostaff 6.0 85. Groundstrokes were immediately better. Topspin forehand and slices. But serve lost some. Think a big serve matters more....