Lost the other day 6-0, 6-2 to J Engle. He was excellent at retrieving balls and just pushing them back. I stubbornly stayed back and attempted to rip groundstrokes for winners and hit a bunch of unforced errors. Additionally I didn't even slice on the return of serve. And this was the first match I really tried to stick with the one hand topspin backhand throughout. To win I should have sliced far more and rushed the net a lot. This guy had trouble when he had to generate his own pace and did great when I hit really hard. But I just really didn't want to slice... In the future I'll try to do so though. Want to start hitting a lot more slice and drop shots and coming to the net I guess.

Today took thunderstick (strung at 60 with gamma tnt2), prostaff 6.1 28 (strung at 44? with gamma tnt2 tour) and prince longbody graphite classic (strung at 50 with natural gut) and compared them with the ball machine. Really not much meaningful difference actually. Maybe the natural gut is getting too old but it felt the least forgiving. And otherwise the main difference was I liked how the prostaff felt a bit better I think mainly just because it's strung so loose. The slice felt so much nicer.

As to topspin drives, if I try to put a lot of topspin on them, they can all potentially go wrong. Maybe a prostaff 6.0 85 strung tight would a bit less so.... But here not much difference.

But I am curious to try the thunderstick with a 44 or so tension. Thinking to cut out current strings and put in a nice synthetic.

Looking at dulcimers. Even considered selling my viola to fund buying a nice one. But can't really find any info online about a reasonable price for the viola, so I expect I wouldn't be able to sell it for what it's worth. Do have my eye on a HD that is priced extremely cheap at the moment... Probably should pick up a cheap zither/autoharp too. Still thinking about building my own instrument.

Finished The Troupe by Robert Jackson Bennett. It was OK. But I need a gritty well developed typical fantasy fiction world. Low tech pseudo England in the 14th century with magic, etc. Or write my own. The bad guys were too simplistic to be very interesting here. Wolves/men in suits that eat the world and don't really have personalities or much of anything really. Just not dark enough ultimately.

Also been watching Hannibal. Watched it and Game of Thrones in the last 5, 10 years... Liked season 2 much better but especially when Will was imprisoned. The idea of the hero stuck in a predicament.

Had really started eating a lot of chocolate and seemed a bit stressy and also having energy lows.. So trying to stop eating it. Tonight was really my first day without and I almost succumbed to an overwhelming urge. Literally stood and looked in the window at the chocolate chip cookies. Kept telling myself if I go home and have a beer the urge will pass.

Went to S's halloween thing last night. Her sister (B) was also there whom I play tennis with a few times each month. Her sister is not as smart. Something about her is really attractive. Her slutty german outfit really didn't hurt. Her brother and father are sort of neat too. Just something about them. S is the best though. My fellow INTJ.

B went with her brother and his friend and a few others outside where they were smoking weed. S said B didn't smoke any but considering she then got really sick and was vomiting I think she probably did. Anyway to think of her smoking it bothered me at the time a bit. Almost a lot. I don't really know crap about drugs but I walked by the porch screen door and it almost looked like something beyond weed... Don't think it was but strangely it bothered me to think of her being like that. S says she's all about following the crowd and oh well. B doesn't keep it real like S. Not entirely sure why she wants to play tennis with me.... S is kind of awesome. One of a kind. The only person from working at the hospital that is very interesting. (Maybe that one girl who plays the cello somewhat.)

And so I won 6-3, 6-0 tonight against Art R. Little surprised it was that close but took some time to get used to some very fast balls I hadn't played with before on top of the fast indoor court. And then won the last 9 games.

Despite natural gut at 50 my tennis elbow flared very slightly and think that's because I was bending my elbow too much on my serve. I didn't hit a decent one handed backhand the entire match but this guy wasn't good enough for it to matter. Thinking a ball machine isn't going to be enough to ever hit a good OHBH. Need someone to just hit with. But on these indoor courts slice works really well. And I can even hit a wimpy flat OHBH with my serve grip I guess...

All the running I do (only 30 minutes twice a week lately) also really helps my game. No doubt of that.

I watched Wawrinka on youtube then went to courts with ball machine trying to emulate him. With proper footwork and a straight arm I definitely hit OHBH better. Not too sure about returning a hard serve as it will be hard to have time and also hard to practice it. I guess just wait till the last second when using the ball machine?

Read a bunch of tennis biographies and autobiographies. John McEnroe really didn't impress me. Nor did Jimmy Connors. Seemed like pretty dumb guys. McEnroe was depressing. They both seemed like asses. Pete Sampras also kind of a dumb guy although at least nice. The biography of Lendl was interesting. Always liked him best. Monica Seles is basically brain dead. Now started one on Rafael Nadal. He's far more interesting. Gives more of the details that I want to hear about while the others just randomly report match results slam after slam with a few random events thrown in.

Richard Williams wrote a pretty neat book. Not really a tennis book. More along the lines of Fredrick Douglas except more interesting actually. Seems a very underrated book. He admits to breaking the law and getting away with it quite a bit. Seems owning a business is the way to go in life if you really care about making money. Not that I didn't already know that. I don't care enough I guess.

So I'm an INTJ. My wife is an INFJ. My one sort of close friend (sort of...) is an INTF. My wife's closest friend is an ISTJ. Maybe there's something to Meyers Briggs. Possibly will learn about the other personalities. The ISTJ makes sense (equally and logical ethical but boring). INFJ (almost as logical...)

Won my tennis match today 6-0, 7-6. First time with the new grips (backhand and forehand the same with huge topspin). My forehand was awesome. My backhand was horrendous. I told him he should hit to my backhand in the second set, which he did. It was so bad I'm thinking of going back to the drawing board/changing my grip to something not quite so extreme.

Today was my first match in almost a month (they have a layoff before the indoor season starts). My elbow didn't hurt thankfully. This was with my Prince Graphite Classic Longbody (28inches and 100 square inches) with natural gut strung at 50, but possibly starting to loosen? Didn't check to see today. Ball felt very good coming off of it. Forehand was huge. Court next was some good doubles and they commented a few times to each other about it. (I hit a few ROS winners that were harder than anything Roddick or Sampras did at that exhibition recently.)

Think it was my 7th match in this league. Have won all except the very first.

Serve was good today. Noticed I started throwing the ball ridiculously high and that was actually working. Had a more consistent toss... Also keeping my elbow pretty straight on the serve. For me that seems to be important.

Previously tried a gamma polyester at 31 (in my prostaff 6.0 85) and my elbow started getting tender. So, no polyester. Probably no Ashaway Crossfire either, though it's on its way.

Today I played a german guy getting a PhD in something, previously played a guy from China getting a PhD in Physical Education... also two guys who are engineers and another who's a sociology professor, finally some high ranking guy at the FBI.

So my wife is at a time in her life when it's a really good idea to avoid drama/stress. And suddenly my parents are going overboard on the drama and stress. I've asked them nicely repeatedly as I don't want my child to have schizophrenia and they've completely brushed aside my requests and done their best to cause trouble.

So telling my dad that my sister's husband secretly bought and is hiding a porsche while he is paying for their groceries is a reason for my mom to go ballistic (she knew already), calling me a demon, etc. I'm the bad guy. I'm horrible. I've destroyed the whole family forever. I'm just like Frank. (my biological father who walked out when I was one.)

And my wife is equally to blame for my actions. My sister threatens to get her kicked out of the fertility clinic she has eggs stored at because I told dad her husband was basically stealing from him. And... that's our fault to, that our sister threatens us and isn't speaking to us. She additionally fabricates a story I'm abusing her children.

Dad says just make up with her. The family matters more than anything!! I should risk jail time to be around these people I haven't really spoken to at family gatherings in many years simply because we have absolutely nothing in common. He dismisses jail time talk etc. Completely belittling what I feel.

 I'm so sick of their drama. Don't want to think about it. Don't want to write about it... Just have completely and finally had enough. I think it's worn me down slowly over the years. Taken away IQ points. Made me just want to forget everything.

Then my mom gets mad at my wife for not getting my sister a birthday present. This is the sister, again, who threatened to get her kicked out of her fertility clinic and fabricated a story that I was abusing her children and who hasn't spoken to us since.

And then my father asks if I can help him put solar panels on the roof. Fine, but just not this week as I'm on vacation and will be away.

...but can't I just cancel my weeks vacation so I can instead spend one evening putting up solar panels for him...? Umm, no. I can't. I'm not going to cancel my weeks vacation to help you one evening. I can do it when I get back. "You won't do it this week?" No.

Then mom calls two days later while we're on vacation, "I heard the whole conversation. How could you treat him like that? Blah, blah. You're awful, etc." Thus ruining our vacation as we're left stewing over how they treat us.

At times have gotten along... I guess. Have managed to convince myself they're ...basically OK. Could be worse. But that when my wife is pregnant they would get so extreme with one drama after another has really made me rethink things. Maybe it's just more me that's bent over backwards to get along with these people.

Ultimately neither values what I think, who I actually am. My mom "loves" her "son". An idealized version of her son. Not the actually me. She doesn't really like anything about who I actually am.

Things that stick out: Lately how they were about me playing tennis when growing up. I was crazy about it. And would practice and practice till collapsing. By the age of 12 I was extremely good. Not that they had ever even seen me play. Day after day I walked a couple miles to the courts. They never gave me a ride. Never even saw me play. The people who did were amazed by my game. I put pro-level pace on the ball when I was 12. And... my strings started breaking. And I'd go weeks at a time without getting them restrung because I didn't have the money and they weren't helping. Finally I broke my racquet from hitting so hard. And I went a month or two without even a racquet when I was 12 or 13. The only tournaments I got to play in were they couple I could walk to or get a ride from someone else. (I won at least one and beat the highest ranked player in the state in another. I never had a ranking as I didn't get to play in enough tournaments.)

I would let me aggression out on the ball. I'd dream of hitting so hard the topspin would sent the ball into the stands after it hit. I dreamed of winning wimbledon. And I never had a chance. All that drive, motivation and determination. All that hard work. Just wasted because I had parents that just didn't give a damn.

When I tried out for the high school tennis team the coach pretended that I wasn't actually there. Went over everyone's serve and then told them to go here or there and play with so and so. "Coach, did you want me to do anything?" "Did I ask you to do anything? I must not want you to do anything if I didn't ask you to do anything." Then he walked off leaving me there and ignored me the rest of the practice. I don't know why. Maybe because I was friends with a really poor kid who had a bad reputation. I know how it works in high school. If you speak to unpopular kids instead of properly ostracizing them, then you become unpopular too. But I'm just not like that. So maybe it was that.

So there I am. Ignored. 13 years old. At this tennis tryout. Just waiting for my dad to pick me up. When he comes I tell him what was done to me. He asks the coach. The coach ignores him too! And that's that. My miserable excuse for a father does nothing more. And that's that for tennis. So much for that dream. That's that except for the bitterness I still have 28 years later. It's almost like he fucked me up the ass. I mean, I kind of hid the memory from myself for a long time because it was so horrible.

Parents did nothing.

I remember I wanted to quit engineering after working at Toyota as an intern. Mom literally screamed at me that I'm insane to think of such a thing. Dad about the same attitude. It didn't matter how incredibly miserable I was. I guess I could have changed majors despite how they acted. But I hate quitting things. Thanks in part to their attitude though I continued to put myself through almost ten more years of misery before I finally started all over again and became a nurse. So now I get to spend the rest of my life underemployed. 3 degrees is enough, even though I'm just using the two year nursing degree. I have my parents to thank.

They've ignored who I actually am all my life because they just don't really give a shit. I've been a fool to continue to keep them in my life.

Rambling stupid letter I won't send: Remember when you screamed at me that I was insane for considering changing majors out of engineering? Do you know I think every single day about how I'm underemployed and how I ended up that way? You know what else I think about a lot? Joe Muto ignoring a 13 year old kid at tennis tryouts. I practiced 3 hours a day every day. I dreamed of being a professional tennis player (and with the right support absolutely would have been one, nothing I have since seen makes me doubt that.) and how my parents did nothing about it. I stood there and cried while I waited for dad to come pick me up. I told him what happened and neither of you did anything. That memory is so awful to me I kind of buried it for many years because I couldn't stand to remember that it really happened. Everytime you or dad does something ridiculous, you know what I think? All the hopes and dreams I had, I really never had any chance. It makes me sick how futile it all was. How could I for example learn to properly interact with people when the only male adult I had to learn from was Tulasi? With that to learn from, how was I really going to go to school and learn to interact with other kids, etc? When he tells me to cancel my weeks vacation and instead help him with his roof, I think to myself, "I never had any chance in this life." And I think that over and over and over again. All I wanted to be.... I had no chance at all. I have bent over backwards to get along with you people despite how unhappy you've made me. Despite how you've dismissed everything I've ever thought and basically just ignored who I really am. And so... now that my wife is pregnant and I've asked you to stop causing drama because the stress is bad for the baby, what have you done? It's almost as if on a subconscious level you want to kill my baby. Thanks for ruining the last vacation we are probably going to get for a long time.

I was thinking to stop having a single alcoholic drink each day because I was feeling less creative. I know though that the lack of that little bit of alcohol after a few days I get an unfortunate edge to me. Can get stressy about work. And I guess maybe it causes the above also. Possibly.

Anyway haven't been running much lately. Really my best 5k time was still way back when I only ran twice a week and so finally I've been going back to that. Otherwise playing tennis. Trying to get past some tennis elbow issues and figure out how I want to string my racquet/s.

Here recently put natural gut in my prince graphite classic longbody 95 at 50# and kevlar/babolat add... something at 35 in my prostaff 6.0 85. The prostaff hits incredible on the groundstrokes with these strings. Although it hit pretty great groundstroke with the previous strings also... The prince longbody hit pretty well on the groundstrokes. Not quite as good but OK enough. But the longbody has more pop on the serve. And that's the most important thing. Not sure if it's the strings or the extra inch of length. Will eventually switch the strings for them for comparison.

...bought a string meter and it turns out the kevlar hybrid is actually strung at 50. Bastards. Second time they've just randomly done whatever. Now looking at buying my own stringing machine.

Ran 12 miles in about 130 minutes. 10.7 min/miles for the first 95 minutes I think. Maffetone. Heartrate did wander into the 140's near the end. Maybe I averaged 145 or so the last 20 minutes. Pretty easy run though. Felt capable of going much further.

I had the elliptical on a decline so I didn't hit my knees on it. Switched to an incline (and stand further back) and my 2 mile run went from 14:25 (no improvement for three weeks really) to 14:15 and now 14:10. Otherwise I'm now just doing one 2 hour run at maffetone and 2 hour elliptical also at maffetone.

Decided to hit a two handed forehand so I just don't have to worry about tennis elbow hopefully. Also thinking to do hands backwards (like a left hander) and also hit overheads with two hands, lol.

Read 1st book of new Fitz/Fool trilogy by Robin Hobb. Cried.

Wish I had more time. Don't have time to work, do sports, do music, have a garden, write stories and see relatives/friends. Not even close.