My drill instructor was shaped like Olive Oil but with red hair and freckles. Lots of ugly flirting with the male drill sergeants. Seemed really slutty. Lackland Air Force Base, Texas. Summertime. Basic Training. My boots didn't fit so great. Shortly before a big reviewing march where we had to salute and all this crap that we had spent a lot of time practicing for, Olive Oil asked all 40 or so of us if anyone had any blisters. Didn't ask if we didn't want to march or anything, just asked if anyone had blisters. Me and one other guy raised our hands. Result being that instead of doing this march, we were made to march twice as far to an infirmary along with two women who also had blisters. We had to march in step the whole way, just the 4 of us. We got there and whoever it was sneered at us and didn't even give me a bandaid which was all I had been hoping for in the first place. On the way back the other guy started pratically speed walking. The two finally complained they couldn't keep up. I asked him to slow down. He refused. Didn't give a shit that he was making things miserable for the two women. Finally let him speed off on his own. Stupid prick.
J says this is a valuable lesson. Don't tell your military superior that you have a blister. 25 years later I still don't get it. To me it's just some random banal example of the pointless stupidity all around me. I was thinking that I could probably, or someone could anyway, manage to write this into a pretty entertaining story. Maybe like Charles Bukowski or for some reason Faulkner comes to mind. I seem to be happier when I've got stories floating around in my head. Fiction ones anyway. Real stories I've never cared to writer. Thought it would a good exercise. But I couldn't be bothered to write it up correctly. Don't have the time anyway.
That Olive Oil drill instructor was stupid, and kind of disgusting. Looked like a sex addict too. Probably into anal orgies and crap. Ugh. Fucking stupid and loved getting to yell and scream and treat people like shit. And she found the perfect job.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Gene Wolfe's Claw of the Conciliator and Sword and Citadel, etc. First person and stays with one guy who is a stoic but things are a bit "psychedilic(sp)". Wolfe bothers me at times in his weirdness. This story just goes on and on. Severian is maybe a bit too stoic. Somehow worked better when Vance did it. This just seems wooden, even when Wolfe is saying he's in terror, etc, it always comes across a bit removed.
I have very little I care to say.... There is something about all the women that I think ultimately is how men generally really are about all the women of their lives. Never seen it put in a story.
A big negative is that there isn't much pushing things along. Severian isn't looking for revenge or justice. He's mostly just wandering. Taking the Claw to the Pelerines, running away where he refused to torture or kill someone. Then what the heck? Might as well join the army. It's a tad bit aimless.
But at times it's beautiful. The world, where there actually is a very high level of technology. But most, including Severian, live in such ignorance.
Very dreamy sequences. Just a bit too unattached. You know Severian is going to be fine. Unlike GoT of course... But somehow unlike Fitz Chivalry, who although you figure he'll live, you really don't know that he'll be OK. But Severian is such a stoic, one thinks he could spend a decade being tortured and it wouldn't really matter to him. And this detracts somehow, unlike with Vance. Perhaps if this stoic wasn't mostly wandering aimlessly.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Do all french people write like Proust? He makes it sound not so bad, being locked in. Great. Not what I would write about in that situation.
The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson
I guess this was OK. Keeps your interest throughout. A page turner I guess. No lasting impression though.
I have very little I care to say.... There is something about all the women that I think ultimately is how men generally really are about all the women of their lives. Never seen it put in a story.
A big negative is that there isn't much pushing things along. Severian isn't looking for revenge or justice. He's mostly just wandering. Taking the Claw to the Pelerines, running away where he refused to torture or kill someone. Then what the heck? Might as well join the army. It's a tad bit aimless.
But at times it's beautiful. The world, where there actually is a very high level of technology. But most, including Severian, live in such ignorance.
Very dreamy sequences. Just a bit too unattached. You know Severian is going to be fine. Unlike GoT of course... But somehow unlike Fitz Chivalry, who although you figure he'll live, you really don't know that he'll be OK. But Severian is such a stoic, one thinks he could spend a decade being tortured and it wouldn't really matter to him. And this detracts somehow, unlike with Vance. Perhaps if this stoic wasn't mostly wandering aimlessly.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Do all french people write like Proust? He makes it sound not so bad, being locked in. Great. Not what I would write about in that situation.
The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson
I guess this was OK. Keeps your interest throughout. A page turner I guess. No lasting impression though.
I still remember it so clearly. Or I should say I have an impression seared into my head based off of an event. It was Los Alamos, New Mexico. It was the evening. It was dark. I think before my beloved J came to be with me. What year was it?
2002 I think.
I was going for a very long run once every 4 days. Quite slow and working up to two plus hours. I don't think I even stuck with it for 2 months. I remember an evening where the running felt so good. Just gliding along. I remember going up an incline on practically the only main road in that rather sad "town". Then down. Then the golf course on my left as I went out towards the suburbs that eventually hit just cliffs. I remember a strong manure smell.
Such a strong memory. To run at night, and perhaps when young, can feel so good. Of course sooner or later there will be a dog, or worse. Back then on these every 4 days long runs, I took a different course every time. And unfortunately that day's run I hit a hill that just kept going up and up a good 6 miles out from home. This was back when I landed on the front of my foot. And after a mile straight of hill, my calves were done. In a mile I went from feeling great to my calves being utterly done. And I was still so far from home. The misery killed my every 4 days long run. Occasionally I wonder how good a runner I might be now if I had stuck with it.
Oh well.
Anyway, for the first time since then I'm going to do something somewhat similar. In the last 9 months my running has only declined a bit. The last I was doing well, I was doing a 10 to 12 mile run on both weekend days. Then an additional 2 runs during the week. With just 10 to 20% fast running. I quit it from boredom and just trying to find a shortcut. Surely I could at least run a 19 minute 5k without those long runs?
But no, I cannot.
This time though I won't lose both my weekend mornings. Will completely sacrifice, I think my Thursday evenings instead, along with Sunday mornings. Shall try a 3 hour run each time. The one on the treadmill with movies. Not too bad surely?
Bannister supposedly never did any tempo runs or long runs in reaching a 4 minute mile. But people suspect he was lying and actually sneaked some tempo runs in, late at night. Which is to say there's nothing for it but that you really have to put in a lot of time, to get anywhere. That has been my experience with everything in life.
2002 I think.
I was going for a very long run once every 4 days. Quite slow and working up to two plus hours. I don't think I even stuck with it for 2 months. I remember an evening where the running felt so good. Just gliding along. I remember going up an incline on practically the only main road in that rather sad "town". Then down. Then the golf course on my left as I went out towards the suburbs that eventually hit just cliffs. I remember a strong manure smell.
Such a strong memory. To run at night, and perhaps when young, can feel so good. Of course sooner or later there will be a dog, or worse. Back then on these every 4 days long runs, I took a different course every time. And unfortunately that day's run I hit a hill that just kept going up and up a good 6 miles out from home. This was back when I landed on the front of my foot. And after a mile straight of hill, my calves were done. In a mile I went from feeling great to my calves being utterly done. And I was still so far from home. The misery killed my every 4 days long run. Occasionally I wonder how good a runner I might be now if I had stuck with it.
Oh well.
Anyway, for the first time since then I'm going to do something somewhat similar. In the last 9 months my running has only declined a bit. The last I was doing well, I was doing a 10 to 12 mile run on both weekend days. Then an additional 2 runs during the week. With just 10 to 20% fast running. I quit it from boredom and just trying to find a shortcut. Surely I could at least run a 19 minute 5k without those long runs?
But no, I cannot.
This time though I won't lose both my weekend mornings. Will completely sacrifice, I think my Thursday evenings instead, along with Sunday mornings. Shall try a 3 hour run each time. The one on the treadmill with movies. Not too bad surely?
Bannister supposedly never did any tempo runs or long runs in reaching a 4 minute mile. But people suspect he was lying and actually sneaked some tempo runs in, late at night. Which is to say there's nothing for it but that you really have to put in a lot of time, to get anywhere. That has been my experience with everything in life.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Crash in Deckers half marathon. Had to walk 8 miles in. The heat played a role (90F) but also felt bad from the beginning. Hadn't done adequate long runs beforehand, I guess. But I think I really need cold weather if I'm trying to go all out for longer than 8 miles. Larger you are, the less efficient at dissipating heat. So that's one tiny little good thing about how cold it is much of the year here. Nothing longer than 10k from June to August in the future.
Recent training is intervals 4 days a week plus a tempo. (Two weeks so far.) 2 min hard, 3 min easy (5 mph). Last week did 9.3mph for a total run of 40 minutes. This week said what the hell and jumped up to 10mph. Just did 15 minutes. (Awful half marathon was yesterday.) I guess I could have gone 25 minutes. Maybe 30. Not sure if going up to 10mph is too ambitious though. Whatever. Disgusted with yesterday. But should be happy that my knees, etc are good.
The first 4 miles I went 7:45 pace but was feeling pretty bad. So slowed down to about a pitiful 8:30 pace for the next 4. Which means I did the first 8 slower than the relatively easy 8 miles I did last week on a flat course. And at that point I had to stop and walk. Then it was just a matter of getting to the car without J getting too worried. Which unfortunately meant 5 more miles of stumbling along or walking. Ripped bib off short of finish and threw it in the trash 20 yards short of finish and walked off course.
Recent training is intervals 4 days a week plus a tempo. (Two weeks so far.) 2 min hard, 3 min easy (5 mph). Last week did 9.3mph for a total run of 40 minutes. This week said what the hell and jumped up to 10mph. Just did 15 minutes. (Awful half marathon was yesterday.) I guess I could have gone 25 minutes. Maybe 30. Not sure if going up to 10mph is too ambitious though. Whatever. Disgusted with yesterday. But should be happy that my knees, etc are good.
The first 4 miles I went 7:45 pace but was feeling pretty bad. So slowed down to about a pitiful 8:30 pace for the next 4. Which means I did the first 8 slower than the relatively easy 8 miles I did last week on a flat course. And at that point I had to stop and walk. Then it was just a matter of getting to the car without J getting too worried. Which unfortunately meant 5 more miles of stumbling along or walking. Ripped bib off short of finish and threw it in the trash 20 yards short of finish and walked off course.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
To my great shame I must admit that we ate daffodils and grass. Like cattle. To be capable of such was a thing to be hidden. Yet it was that or starve. How I worried I might start liking it too much. Day after day. We could kill nothing the creatures easily outran us. Or quickly flew away.
A single day would be one thing. But this continued on for weeks. Till I feared to look upon my visage in the still waters of the occasional pond or small lake we would pass.
You must understand that I did not wish to become complacent. That was the great enemy. Complacent and happy in dystopia. Never. So then we finally sat outside the castle walls and I dumbly cut my arms, feeling nothing much. I tried to remember the evil god and it seemed funny. I tried to remember the dying and it was a sweet melancholy.
I wandered over to Zander, the only one who continued forth across plain. "I think we're in a trouble."
"We need meat perhaps?"
I could barely take in the thought. But yes, that must be it! We remember how to make a trap and did so and captured a creature. Killing was horrible and awkward. Eating worse. Then we laid there in a vague disquiet. Slowly into a sleep filled with dark visions, and awaking with our purpose renewed. I was I once again. The dark lord would pay, no pain, no anything would stop my revenge. Fiercely proud we strode forth to the beginning of the castle defenses.
A single day would be one thing. But this continued on for weeks. Till I feared to look upon my visage in the still waters of the occasional pond or small lake we would pass.
You must understand that I did not wish to become complacent. That was the great enemy. Complacent and happy in dystopia. Never. So then we finally sat outside the castle walls and I dumbly cut my arms, feeling nothing much. I tried to remember the evil god and it seemed funny. I tried to remember the dying and it was a sweet melancholy.
I wandered over to Zander, the only one who continued forth across plain. "I think we're in a trouble."
"We need meat perhaps?"
I could barely take in the thought. But yes, that must be it! We remember how to make a trap and did so and captured a creature. Killing was horrible and awkward. Eating worse. Then we laid there in a vague disquiet. Slowly into a sleep filled with dark visions, and awaking with our purpose renewed. I was I once again. The dark lord would pay, no pain, no anything would stop my revenge. Fiercely proud we strode forth to the beginning of the castle defenses.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
"What are you transgressions?"
"I strive for too much. At heart I'm a revolutionary."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change this world." he said with softness.
"But it means having such a high self opinion. It can't not mean it. To believe changing the world is possible, one must believe that they are special enough to change the world. Even as they clearly are not."
"And how do you know that you are clearly not?"
"You mean other than the fact that I've failed? I haven't succeeded at much of anything in this life."
"You never cared to succeed at the trifles that matter to some."
I lay upon the ground staring at the brilliant moon as he stood above me and continued.
"You have been right throughout, and beaten down by those, who disagree, who prefer meaningless trifles now, who assimilate without question. They see you and it reminds them subconsciously of what they are. No matter how well you treat them, they will always feel malevolence for you."
He shrugged and smiled at me and held out his hand. "Have a cigar."
I snorted. "Oh. No thanks."
I swear I could literally see the moon moving across the sky. Was it possible? A million beautiful nights containing endless people like this had passed through time. I jumped forth to catch it but was a moment behind. I tried again, still a bit off. Rewind...
I awoke afraid to move, worried of discovering insects nestled with me in my blanket. I gathered myself and shot up flinging the blanket from me, spinning round and dusting and brushing myself all over. Fergal chuckled.
"I trust you slept well? Full of energy this morning."
"Yes. Yes I did. And not a single insect if I dare say...."
"Oh you should have seen the huge one I brushed off you while you were still sleeping." Fergal said with a smile, possibly kidding, maybe not.
Broun sat staring at the ground. "You should meditate on how disgusting the human body is. If anything an exoskeleton is possibly less disgusting."
"Where are the others?" I asked him.
"All long awake but you and off washing."
I jogged to the creek and splashed water on my face. I remembered a forever of repetitive awakenings to another workday in the far past. Life was finally once again new and different. Awakening outside now, I should learn to stand the insects. It was otherwise wonderful. Would it ever get as old as what had come before? I remembered awakening alone, in the dark, by an alarm clock, day after day, year after year. Never time to waste. Usually with a vague apprehension for what the day held. Here I had already cheated death and I was not alone. It was The Escape to neverwhere. A place that either doesn't exist anywhere or could easily exist almost everywhere. The place without fear. The place with hope and mystery for what the future may hold.
"I strive for too much. At heart I'm a revolutionary."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change this world." he said with softness.
"But it means having such a high self opinion. It can't not mean it. To believe changing the world is possible, one must believe that they are special enough to change the world. Even as they clearly are not."
"And how do you know that you are clearly not?"
"You mean other than the fact that I've failed? I haven't succeeded at much of anything in this life."
"You never cared to succeed at the trifles that matter to some."
I lay upon the ground staring at the brilliant moon as he stood above me and continued.
"You have been right throughout, and beaten down by those, who disagree, who prefer meaningless trifles now, who assimilate without question. They see you and it reminds them subconsciously of what they are. No matter how well you treat them, they will always feel malevolence for you."
He shrugged and smiled at me and held out his hand. "Have a cigar."
I snorted. "Oh. No thanks."
I swear I could literally see the moon moving across the sky. Was it possible? A million beautiful nights containing endless people like this had passed through time. I jumped forth to catch it but was a moment behind. I tried again, still a bit off. Rewind...
I awoke afraid to move, worried of discovering insects nestled with me in my blanket. I gathered myself and shot up flinging the blanket from me, spinning round and dusting and brushing myself all over. Fergal chuckled.
"I trust you slept well? Full of energy this morning."
"Yes. Yes I did. And not a single insect if I dare say...."
"Oh you should have seen the huge one I brushed off you while you were still sleeping." Fergal said with a smile, possibly kidding, maybe not.
Broun sat staring at the ground. "You should meditate on how disgusting the human body is. If anything an exoskeleton is possibly less disgusting."
"Where are the others?" I asked him.
"All long awake but you and off washing."
I jogged to the creek and splashed water on my face. I remembered a forever of repetitive awakenings to another workday in the far past. Life was finally once again new and different. Awakening outside now, I should learn to stand the insects. It was otherwise wonderful. Would it ever get as old as what had come before? I remembered awakening alone, in the dark, by an alarm clock, day after day, year after year. Never time to waste. Usually with a vague apprehension for what the day held. Here I had already cheated death and I was not alone. It was The Escape to neverwhere. A place that either doesn't exist anywhere or could easily exist almost everywhere. The place without fear. The place with hope and mystery for what the future may hold.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Ran a 5k a few weeks back in a dismal 22:30. Last year at that time I did one in 21:40. I am ten pounds heavier this year. This one was hilly. Last year it was really only 3 miles, this year I forgot my garmin. My knee has reduced my weekly mileage, etc. Last year I did omega male training (which is huge). But still that's just going the wrong way, thinking I should change my training back to hard twice a week and otherwise very easy or elliptical. Did the elliptical two days in a row and then while feeling very lethargic from it did 4 miles at 7:36 pace yesterday. PR for that is like 7:18 pace. The elliptical seems to bother my right knee. Trying to be careful.
Have a half marathon in less than a month. It would be nice to get in a 8 mile run at under 8 minute pace in the next couple weeks. I've done it before. Might manage it.... If so, it would suggest a good improvement in this half.
----
Lately everything feels old. Having trouble enjoying my diversions. Having trouble holding on to my myopia. Everything lately. Also worried about work as all the stroke doctors and researchers are leaving. Could lose my job.
Have a half marathon in less than a month. It would be nice to get in a 8 mile run at under 8 minute pace in the next couple weeks. I've done it before. Might manage it.... If so, it would suggest a good improvement in this half.
----
Lately everything feels old. Having trouble enjoying my diversions. Having trouble holding on to my myopia. Everything lately. Also worried about work as all the stroke doctors and researchers are leaving. Could lose my job.
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