just why? I had wanted to be a writer. I couldn't and I didn't understand why. So I thought perhaps if I write just something, I might eventually get me somewhere. Also something to remember who I was. It did not get anywhere as a writer of fiction. In retrospect I just couldn't simplify and white wash human behavior enough. Or something like that. Now, there are times that perhaps I could... but why bother? I suppose it does leave me with a record of the awful state I was in. Since then I've only run into more awful people. And then had a pretty terrible health issue that I had to diagnose and treat on my own. Somehow, here I am, doing quite well now. Despite living in a world of so many nasty people. Health is good. Easy job. I interact occasionally with a few decent people. Though it is scary how much stupidity I'm amongst. It is the edge of extinction. The end. The last instant.

best I can tell abstinence might have improved sleep but I didn't directly state it in my blog. strange that I didn't do so. in the short term of course the opposite seems true. having lots of insomnia lately. despite all I have learned over the years. flu at the moment may be playing a role.

This evening in passing I mentioned that dogs can be perfectly healthy on a vegan diet. This, by the way, is a good thing. Because killing in order to eat is terrible. I got attacked for saying this. Called an idiot. 41 downvotes last I checked. Then on fb I said in a science group that every online interaction is a master debate that requires citations. Look stuff up yourself or at least be polite when asking. (This wasn't tied to any topic whatsoever.) Of course the response was I'm wrong in every way with many agreeing. So attacked for saying be polite and don't need to eat animals. And maybe plays a role in my insomnia. But maybe the biggest issue is I gave up on fruit. I forced myself to eat it for 3 or 4 months and slept great the whole time. Finally just couldn't do it last few weeks and have slept bad. 2AM now and wide awake. Supposed to play tennis tomorrow also. So that is perhaps solvable. Get some kiwi. Choke down some mushy bananas. My creatinine is back down to 1.22. So that's great. My tennis game is its best ever. My back has been hanging on ok. Juggling 4 balls for 5 seconds. Hawth is a bit of a pain and Langs is pretty damn pouty. But they're still wonderful. Writing is not great but not nothing. Otherwise by John Crowley Beasts just ends abruptly. Doesn't really go anywhere. Little, Big has no adversity of antagonist so I gave up 30% in. Engine summer was the same. The Deep was confusing. A tired medieval civil war plot and a lot of telling instead of showing. That's it for Crowley. Final book of Lightbringer by Brent Weeks. Way too didactic about religion. Too many speeches. Too many heart to heart talks. Could have cut out more than half the book. Innocents Abroad by Gene Wolfe 76% in. It's pretty good but not a page turner. Impossible to summarize. Doesn't have a Forlesen or Death of Dr. Island.

Started high fruit a week ago about. Back is feeling better. Taking it slow. No sudden extreme diet changes. Maybe 200 to 500 calories from fruit a day to start. Also jogged monday, wednesday and friday for 80 minutes total and no sciatica pain.

70% into The City at the End of Time by Greg Bear. Reading it because of similarities to John Wright's Nightfall. But it's terrible compared to Wright. The laws of time and nature are broken and stuff just randomly happens and it just makes it seem like Deus ex machina overdrive. Lacking the mystery and scariness of Nightfall. Also jumps around way too much. I hate the jumping around in general. It's remarkable how bad this is compared to Wright. Also has a weird YA feel to it. Reminds me of the last Clive Barker pinhead book, where they're in hell and quipping jokes, wandering around like on a hike at a national park. It just so completely misses the mark.

In other news my wife texted my mom asking if she could look for my missing dulcimer case. And mentioned I'm having to repair the damage that my brother in law did. Said nicely, just fyi.

She of course responded with drama. She claims it had to be my nephew. And tells my sister that I said it was damaged who responds that I'm a nasty person and nephew can't keep his musical equipment at my house.

It's unusual I guess just how much I dislike my mother. I will not care at all when she leaves this world. It makes me sick that I'm so closely related to her. I hope her personality and intellect doesn't pop up in any descendants. I find it funny that she chose a pathological liar amongst other things over her son. But then as little as I think of her she might as well.

For the 4th OSC (136) I came in 27 out 40. Ambivalent about it. I was trying a new genre. It felt a bit wonky. Should have scrapped it early. Not good enough at realizing something isn't "cool" enough. Then I got too attached. It's almost good. But just off. For 137 I have something I think is better though not terribly original so far.

So in the OSCs I came in 20 out 22, 36 out of 51, 30 out 39. I deserved better each time but I wrote a less popular genre and didn't use drums. These people want a lot going on and definitely drums. Good drums. So for the 4th try that's what I have done. I don't quite like it. Perhaps it will score slightly better I guess..? Trivigaunte using Odin2. Complextro. Some good comments. Next up Hy poly, which I guess I better really figure out some drums first and foremost and then

Otherwise still writing ambient/new age in odd time sigs. Think my sounds need to improve though. Samples. Acoustic stuff. Maybe piano. And have to write more stuff using just a couple things. Like reaktor and/or Massive x. The free synth stuff just doesn't quite fit.

It seems I may have been forgetting to log the books I've since November! Or maybe haven't read much. Had been primarily doing music.

Read some slightly goofy novel about shipwrecked humams and alien snail like creatures. Intelligent but very slow moving. Eric Flint. Mother of Demons. I won't continue the series though it was ok really. Initial motivation to read was silly.

Finished the Solar Cycle. All the Long Sun and Short Sun. Of the whole cycle Urth was my favorite. Short Sun was better than Long, which was longwinded. The whole Silk vs Horn thing was drawn out so long and a bit silly.

Awake in the Nightland by John Wright was excellent. The setting is so captivating. The sense of mystery about the watchers. So dark. The Nightland by Stoddard was pretty good but Wright is a superior writer. I read another Wright novel then, Count to a Trillion. Didn't care for it. Won't finish the series. The romance felt so 1950 kitsch. And the math seemed very much like showing off that didn't really add substance. Checked out Wright's website. Some interesting thoughts but ultimately a massive blowhard who is caught up in the politics bullshit. A tool to be wound up and pointed at an enemy.

Partial reads of a ton of stuff. Matthew Hughes who is vancian and ok. Hasn't quite really caught me.

The Devil in the Forest by Gene Wolfe was very good. Not sure what to think of the surprise at the end.

Next up The City at the End of Time by Greg Bear.