Tuesday, December 31, 2013
I blame the lack of industrial music for that last blog post. I had quit listening because I had the strange idea that demonic growling and so on might put me in a bad mood. But without industrial my creativity dried up. Brought it back out and the creativity turns on. Also feel like it gives me something. A toughness. A feeling of something going on other than this boring life.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Really been unhappy recently. Why?
Job stuff. But this job stuff brings up the past, where really awful things were done to me. I've had more than enough of such things. Kind of grasping for straws here. Some way to not be so unhappy.
An old one I haven't done in forever is remembering how damm good I actually am. Just focusing on having pride in the person I've been. And I've wanted to save the world. Believed that being happy was immoral in this dsytopia. Long time vegan. Etc. I'm ridiculously good. But the idea of feeling proud of myself, and trying to fixate on that, just seems silly to me anymore. And has for well more than a decade I think.
My creativity feels shot lately. Maybe I need to pull out the industrial. Been afraid to for quite a while as it seemed to correlate with unhappiness quite strongly. And now I'm looking for a new job. What is being expected of me at work could in and of itself be the reason for my lack of creativity and that in turn could be the cause of my unhappiness. I'm beating myself up pretty bad with regards to what I perceive as quite a fail as a writer.
I don't really feel that I have much left to live for. Trying to at least produce a beautiful lasting work of art (a book) is about it. Otherwise, just staying alive for my wife's sake it seems. Except for that, very often find myself wishing I'd just die already.
Being vegan for example. I can try to consciously ignore how much it bothers me that everyone around me is the equivalent of a slaver, but subconsciously it's something that is slowly killing me.
Lack of sunlight. Can't find a good song on my cello.
Would love to move. That'd be a nice diversion. Wife wants to stay near our parents. I'd rather not. My parents haven't done me any good in my life. I know it well and don't enjoy their company. My stepfather is well meaning but in some ways so incredibly stupid it sickens me. Can't even stand to use words to explain. My mom is pretty much an idiot. Never had a problem with my biological father leaving her. Although him forsaking his only son at such a young age certainly isn't impressive, but then, there isn't much of anything impressive anywhere near my life. In many ways I'm starved and stunted. Never really had a chance. So, so much of my memories are painful to look back on. Remembering in general is dangerous.
Job stuff. But this job stuff brings up the past, where really awful things were done to me. I've had more than enough of such things. Kind of grasping for straws here. Some way to not be so unhappy.
An old one I haven't done in forever is remembering how damm good I actually am. Just focusing on having pride in the person I've been. And I've wanted to save the world. Believed that being happy was immoral in this dsytopia. Long time vegan. Etc. I'm ridiculously good. But the idea of feeling proud of myself, and trying to fixate on that, just seems silly to me anymore. And has for well more than a decade I think.
My creativity feels shot lately. Maybe I need to pull out the industrial. Been afraid to for quite a while as it seemed to correlate with unhappiness quite strongly. And now I'm looking for a new job. What is being expected of me at work could in and of itself be the reason for my lack of creativity and that in turn could be the cause of my unhappiness. I'm beating myself up pretty bad with regards to what I perceive as quite a fail as a writer.
I don't really feel that I have much left to live for. Trying to at least produce a beautiful lasting work of art (a book) is about it. Otherwise, just staying alive for my wife's sake it seems. Except for that, very often find myself wishing I'd just die already.
Being vegan for example. I can try to consciously ignore how much it bothers me that everyone around me is the equivalent of a slaver, but subconsciously it's something that is slowly killing me.
Lack of sunlight. Can't find a good song on my cello.
Would love to move. That'd be a nice diversion. Wife wants to stay near our parents. I'd rather not. My parents haven't done me any good in my life. I know it well and don't enjoy their company. My stepfather is well meaning but in some ways so incredibly stupid it sickens me. Can't even stand to use words to explain. My mom is pretty much an idiot. Never had a problem with my biological father leaving her. Although him forsaking his only son at such a young age certainly isn't impressive, but then, there isn't much of anything impressive anywhere near my life. In many ways I'm starved and stunted. Never really had a chance. So, so much of my memories are painful to look back on. Remembering in general is dangerous.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Recent books:
Satyricon, author not known for certain. One of the oldest books ever, written around 100AD.
Never knew the movie was based on a book. I'm not impressed with the book. It is interesting considering how much of the population was enslaved, that such an empty titillation was so popular. Loved the movie though.
The Steel Remains by Richard Morgan
Damm if maybe I'm a little offput by the one hero being a very slutty gay guy. Actually the heterosexual guy is also slutty. Don't like it much with either. Wonder if the gay guy bothers me more so. Why do gay writers put so much damm sex in their books? I mean it's fantasy fiction. All that sex takes away from the escapism... Otherwise pretty decent. Don't know that I'll successfully finish though... Two guys good at fighting. Others have magic. ... The usual formula I guess.
Shadow's Son by Jon Sprunk
Meh. THe heroes have much more magic. That seems to coincide with a book that just isn't as good. Very little worth saying here. Somehow something very important is missing here. Beating incredible odds? A lot of suffering? Better character development? Better description of the world? All of the above?
Post Office and Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski
Good stuff. Has inspired me to write (bad) poetry and give hard liquor another try. Ham on Rye is better than Catcher in the Rye. Although now I hear some John Fante book is even better yet. Oh well. Bukowski. A very smart guy who felt ostracized because of his boils. Also beaten up weekly by his father. In a sense I can relate.
I'm surprised I've read so few books about how miserable the usual 40 hour a week job is.
Satyricon, author not known for certain. One of the oldest books ever, written around 100AD.
Never knew the movie was based on a book. I'm not impressed with the book. It is interesting considering how much of the population was enslaved, that such an empty titillation was so popular. Loved the movie though.
The Steel Remains by Richard Morgan
Damm if maybe I'm a little offput by the one hero being a very slutty gay guy. Actually the heterosexual guy is also slutty. Don't like it much with either. Wonder if the gay guy bothers me more so. Why do gay writers put so much damm sex in their books? I mean it's fantasy fiction. All that sex takes away from the escapism... Otherwise pretty decent. Don't know that I'll successfully finish though... Two guys good at fighting. Others have magic. ... The usual formula I guess.
Shadow's Son by Jon Sprunk
Meh. THe heroes have much more magic. That seems to coincide with a book that just isn't as good. Very little worth saying here. Somehow something very important is missing here. Beating incredible odds? A lot of suffering? Better character development? Better description of the world? All of the above?
Post Office and Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski
Good stuff. Has inspired me to write (bad) poetry and give hard liquor another try. Ham on Rye is better than Catcher in the Rye. Although now I hear some John Fante book is even better yet. Oh well. Bukowski. A very smart guy who felt ostracized because of his boils. Also beaten up weekly by his father. In a sense I can relate.
I'm surprised I've read so few books about how miserable the usual 40 hour a week job is.
Is the post office hiring?
Years of smiles promising such wonderful things
such wonderful vague things
surprise!
Pull back the curtain
look on in wonder and:
good luck.
Why... it's just like beer!
My love for you
totally devoid of logic and the only way forward
sooth the savage beast
you can only ignore what it is to be human for so long....
Years of smiles promising such wonderful things
such wonderful vague things
surprise!
Pull back the curtain
look on in wonder and:
good luck.
Why... it's just like beer!
My love for you
totally devoid of logic and the only way forward
sooth the savage beast
you can only ignore what it is to be human for so long....
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Bad mood today, looking for a new job. I wrote to someone (in response to a random reminesce(sp)), "Life isn't so bad these days but I wouldn't mind waking up to 1990 with what I now understand."
What I now understand isn't very interesting or important but, it is the following:
1. Don't waste time working out so much. Reduce the strength training by 90%. Quit playing basketball. Some jogging would be OK, but in moderation. All that strength training just gives you insomnia. Your belief that everyone is capable of amazing physical and intellectual feats and it's just a matter of figuring out how is: A. wrong. B. means a seriously masochistic trial and error lifestyle. Furthermore, never get into powerlifting or protein stuffing. Both are bad for your body.
2. Don't take sleeping pills for your insomnia. You're better off just not sleeping.
3. You are too idealistic. Don't burden people with truths they don't give a shit about.
4. No, it isn't hopeless. Quit worrying about it. No need to die.
5. Go ahead and create an evil god or whatever that you must defy, if that's what you need to do to stay alive. For the hell of it, be aware that that's what you're doing though. I think. Although doing so may mess up the creation.
6. You can't sing. And no will ever care about the music you write. So don't bother. Perhaps take up the viola.
7. There is no grand party out there. There is nothing much out there really. Don't bother searching. Just read a ton of books while you're in the military.
8. Eventually you'll discover Chomsky. But don't forget the way women are treated by the muslim theocracies. "Imperialism" isn't all bad, although sure. Socialism would be better. But people are too stupid, that's just the way it is. And much like sex is hidden therefore everyone is fixated on it, understanding what the corporate media is hiding, means a similar fixation. In neither case is the result really so good.
9. That Ayn Rand stuff is a great way to convince yourself that an awful system is actually the best of all possible worlds. Try not to go overboard. Pick a college major based on what you actually like doing, what you actually find interesting, not what you're good at. Competition is NOT everything. In fact it will get old quick.
10. When picking a major, plan to get a PhD right from the beginning. You're too good for just a bachelors. And you can't do much with only a bachelors. Furthermore understand this may mean having to move away from home, (both for college and a future job) and there are really nice places out there that you'll be better off for having experienced.
11. Your parents really don't have a clue. Don't listen to them. If they don't support you, you are just going to have to go it alone.
12. Quit eating meat. You don't need it at all.
13. Do you really like such and such girl? Or do you just like the idea of having a girlfriend? Are you so busy trying to make so and so like you that you haven't really considered whether or not you actually like them as a person as opposed to as an object?
14. Get rid of the topspin from your tennis game. Everyday you're stretching out your strings making the ball come off a little different. That's why one day you play great and the next awful. To hit all that topspin you'd need to have your rackets restrung everytime you play. And you can't afford that. Also you don't have the free time to devote to getting a cheap stringing machine and doing it yourself. Instead just hit the ball flat and forget about becoming a professional. Also, spend less time on sports in general.
15. I'm sorry that every teacher you ever had growing up was objectively speaking, quite awful. I can't make up for it here. I have no solution for this. But for one thing, it would be worthwhile to remember that they are stupid while at the same time not ever letting it show that you feel this way towards them.
Surely others, but I don't get to go back to 17. And there was no one to help me out. I guess if I ever manage to have children it could be good to remember.
16. Trying to save the world is one hell of a burden. It means that happiness is immoral. But it can't be saved. Because people aren't as essentially good as you think they are.
17. When you get some free time, you usually start out by procrastinating. And then once you're ready to settle down and get to work (writing), it's time to go get back to your job.
What I now understand isn't very interesting or important but, it is the following:
1. Don't waste time working out so much. Reduce the strength training by 90%. Quit playing basketball. Some jogging would be OK, but in moderation. All that strength training just gives you insomnia. Your belief that everyone is capable of amazing physical and intellectual feats and it's just a matter of figuring out how is: A. wrong. B. means a seriously masochistic trial and error lifestyle. Furthermore, never get into powerlifting or protein stuffing. Both are bad for your body.
2. Don't take sleeping pills for your insomnia. You're better off just not sleeping.
3. You are too idealistic. Don't burden people with truths they don't give a shit about.
4. No, it isn't hopeless. Quit worrying about it. No need to die.
5. Go ahead and create an evil god or whatever that you must defy, if that's what you need to do to stay alive. For the hell of it, be aware that that's what you're doing though. I think. Although doing so may mess up the creation.
6. You can't sing. And no will ever care about the music you write. So don't bother. Perhaps take up the viola.
7. There is no grand party out there. There is nothing much out there really. Don't bother searching. Just read a ton of books while you're in the military.
8. Eventually you'll discover Chomsky. But don't forget the way women are treated by the muslim theocracies. "Imperialism" isn't all bad, although sure. Socialism would be better. But people are too stupid, that's just the way it is. And much like sex is hidden therefore everyone is fixated on it, understanding what the corporate media is hiding, means a similar fixation. In neither case is the result really so good.
9. That Ayn Rand stuff is a great way to convince yourself that an awful system is actually the best of all possible worlds. Try not to go overboard. Pick a college major based on what you actually like doing, what you actually find interesting, not what you're good at. Competition is NOT everything. In fact it will get old quick.
10. When picking a major, plan to get a PhD right from the beginning. You're too good for just a bachelors. And you can't do much with only a bachelors. Furthermore understand this may mean having to move away from home, (both for college and a future job) and there are really nice places out there that you'll be better off for having experienced.
11. Your parents really don't have a clue. Don't listen to them. If they don't support you, you are just going to have to go it alone.
12. Quit eating meat. You don't need it at all.
13. Do you really like such and such girl? Or do you just like the idea of having a girlfriend? Are you so busy trying to make so and so like you that you haven't really considered whether or not you actually like them as a person as opposed to as an object?
14. Get rid of the topspin from your tennis game. Everyday you're stretching out your strings making the ball come off a little different. That's why one day you play great and the next awful. To hit all that topspin you'd need to have your rackets restrung everytime you play. And you can't afford that. Also you don't have the free time to devote to getting a cheap stringing machine and doing it yourself. Instead just hit the ball flat and forget about becoming a professional. Also, spend less time on sports in general.
15. I'm sorry that every teacher you ever had growing up was objectively speaking, quite awful. I can't make up for it here. I have no solution for this. But for one thing, it would be worthwhile to remember that they are stupid while at the same time not ever letting it show that you feel this way towards them.
Surely others, but I don't get to go back to 17. And there was no one to help me out. I guess if I ever manage to have children it could be good to remember.
16. Trying to save the world is one hell of a burden. It means that happiness is immoral. But it can't be saved. Because people aren't as essentially good as you think they are.
17. When you get some free time, you usually start out by procrastinating. And then once you're ready to settle down and get to work (writing), it's time to go get back to your job.
Long runs once every 4 days slowly turned into torture. Coincided with a lot of migraine headaches also.And stopped improving. Really burned out. Too much intensity. Since I stopped I've been fine. Now trying to run 5 days a week, 6 miles each time on average. Trying to do all those miles at a decent pace. This is the third or fourth week and I've slowly speeded up. Last week I did five days at 8.8 min miles. This week I've started with two days at 8.7 min miles (6 miles in 52:30). Will take a day off and then try for three more days of that.
Also been consistently lifting weights after each run. Just a single set of a few exercises done pretty easy. Slowly have gone from 6 chinups to 12 that way. Then started to get a bit of insomnia, so going to take a break then come back with less intensity.
Also been consistently lifting weights after each run. Just a single set of a few exercises done pretty easy. Slowly have gone from 6 chinups to 12 that way. Then started to get a bit of insomnia, so going to take a break then come back with less intensity.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Haven't listened to industrial stuff in a long time. Recently did listen to Christian Death, Theatre of Pain. Coincided with a level of unhappiness I haven't seen in quite a while. I think there's something to be said for avoiding miserable sounding music maybe.... Being told my job is going to change played a role I'm sure also.
----
Thinking that no very good fantasy fiction book really has much magic in it. Main characters may have magic but can't do very much really. Keeps an edge of realism I guess. Seems to be better if there is just magic around the character.
Robin Hobb-Farseer/Fool. Fitz had the Skill and the Wit but the Skill really seemed to be more of a negative than a positive for him. Gave Regal's coterie a way to attack him. The Wit basically just meant he had a very very close friend who happened to be a wolf. Most of Fitz's real abilities were just the result of being trained as an assassin. He was good at sneaking around, poisoning. Surviving in the wilderness thanks to his wolf's help. He really didn't have much magic.
Hobb-Liveship/Dragon Realms. The people again had virtually no magic. The dragons were magic. The ships were a sort of magic.
GRR Martin Game of Thrones. Daenery's has her dragons. Otherwise no main character has any magic at all. Just a bit off in the distance here and there.
Titus Groan/Gormenghast-no magic.
Shardik-maybe something going on with that bear. But you never really know...
...Lev Grossman's series. They definitely have magical abilities but somehow they are none the better for it and far far from bad asses.
The Book of the New Sun-the claw seems to have had some abilities to heal, bring people back from the dead. Although I think there was a twist to that I've forgotten. But otherwise one was led to believe that all the fantastic stuff was actually advanced science. Anyway the protag only used the claw a few times. He didn't do anything amazing magical wise.
Prince of Thorns- protag was more just smart. Lots of magic in the world but not for him personally. Just a bad ass fighter.
Godborn: The Sundering. Protags have all kinds of magic and it's a lesser story.
Paul Hoffman: The last 4 things/left hand of god. Bad ass fighter but... I don't think there was actually any magic at all. And a pretty good story...
Heroes Die: protag has no magic, just incredible fighter. Lots of magic in the world though. Pretty good story.
Blood Song by Anthony Ryan: Protag is bad ass fighter. I think there is magic in this world. I think he has some and maybe doesn't realize it? Can't remember. But, it's hardly any magic...
The Emperor's Soul: protag has more magic. not as good.
Way of Kings: the protag is a bad ass fighter. Who happens to have a fairy that deflects arrows, etc from him. I don't think he even realizes it. He doesn't truly personally have magic. The magic in this world seems to otherwise just be these swords/suits of armor.
Laird Barron... the one with the fighter guy. Again, he's a bad ass fighter. And he heals abnormally fast. But that's it. Others have great magical powers. But not the protag.
A Wizard of Earthsea. Maybe an exception. Protag has lots of magical powers but it doesn't come across like a completely lesser pulpy dumb novel... Though Le Guin just doesn't do much for me despite agreeing with her politics (cept she's not far enough left wing.)
procrastination however which way
Dark Tower sucked but I think there was not magic. Main guy was just awesome with a gun and the book was good in that way. Unfortunately doesn't develop that. Insteaad turns it into modern day earth, etc.
The Night Angel. For the longest time he has no magical ability and it simply a great fighter. But then finally he gets an ka'kari but is mainly concerned with other entities that also possess powerful magic.
Drizzt. Little to none but his panther. Just a great fighter in a world that has magic.
Kraken by Mieville. Great book. Steam punk. Not really magic.... Curious to reread...
The Bloody Nine guy. Abercrombie? Just a great fighter. Was there magic? ...
So to sum, stories that have a low tech world and magic but where the hero has little to no actual magic and that are good stories: Hobb, GRR Martin, Peake, Shardik, Lev Grossman (because magic is so difficult....), Gene Wolfe, Prince of Thorns, Paul Hoffman, Anthony Ryan, Heroes Die, Way of Kings, The Sundering (Barron), Dark Tower, Night Angel, Drizzt, Bloody Nine. Could go on...
That's part of "the formula" basically.
----
Thinking that no very good fantasy fiction book really has much magic in it. Main characters may have magic but can't do very much really. Keeps an edge of realism I guess. Seems to be better if there is just magic around the character.
Robin Hobb-Farseer/Fool. Fitz had the Skill and the Wit but the Skill really seemed to be more of a negative than a positive for him. Gave Regal's coterie a way to attack him. The Wit basically just meant he had a very very close friend who happened to be a wolf. Most of Fitz's real abilities were just the result of being trained as an assassin. He was good at sneaking around, poisoning. Surviving in the wilderness thanks to his wolf's help. He really didn't have much magic.
Hobb-Liveship/Dragon Realms. The people again had virtually no magic. The dragons were magic. The ships were a sort of magic.
GRR Martin Game of Thrones. Daenery's has her dragons. Otherwise no main character has any magic at all. Just a bit off in the distance here and there.
Titus Groan/Gormenghast-no magic.
Shardik-maybe something going on with that bear. But you never really know...
...Lev Grossman's series. They definitely have magical abilities but somehow they are none the better for it and far far from bad asses.
The Book of the New Sun-the claw seems to have had some abilities to heal, bring people back from the dead. Although I think there was a twist to that I've forgotten. But otherwise one was led to believe that all the fantastic stuff was actually advanced science. Anyway the protag only used the claw a few times. He didn't do anything amazing magical wise.
Prince of Thorns- protag was more just smart. Lots of magic in the world but not for him personally. Just a bad ass fighter.
Godborn: The Sundering. Protags have all kinds of magic and it's a lesser story.
Paul Hoffman: The last 4 things/left hand of god. Bad ass fighter but... I don't think there was actually any magic at all. And a pretty good story...
Heroes Die: protag has no magic, just incredible fighter. Lots of magic in the world though. Pretty good story.
Blood Song by Anthony Ryan: Protag is bad ass fighter. I think there is magic in this world. I think he has some and maybe doesn't realize it? Can't remember. But, it's hardly any magic...
The Emperor's Soul: protag has more magic. not as good.
Way of Kings: the protag is a bad ass fighter. Who happens to have a fairy that deflects arrows, etc from him. I don't think he even realizes it. He doesn't truly personally have magic. The magic in this world seems to otherwise just be these swords/suits of armor.
Laird Barron... the one with the fighter guy. Again, he's a bad ass fighter. And he heals abnormally fast. But that's it. Others have great magical powers. But not the protag.
A Wizard of Earthsea. Maybe an exception. Protag has lots of magical powers but it doesn't come across like a completely lesser pulpy dumb novel... Though Le Guin just doesn't do much for me despite agreeing with her politics (cept she's not far enough left wing.)
procrastination however which way
Dark Tower sucked but I think there was not magic. Main guy was just awesome with a gun and the book was good in that way. Unfortunately doesn't develop that. Insteaad turns it into modern day earth, etc.
The Night Angel. For the longest time he has no magical ability and it simply a great fighter. But then finally he gets an ka'kari but is mainly concerned with other entities that also possess powerful magic.
Drizzt. Little to none but his panther. Just a great fighter in a world that has magic.
Kraken by Mieville. Great book. Steam punk. Not really magic.... Curious to reread...
The Bloody Nine guy. Abercrombie? Just a great fighter. Was there magic? ...
So to sum, stories that have a low tech world and magic but where the hero has little to no actual magic and that are good stories: Hobb, GRR Martin, Peake, Shardik, Lev Grossman (because magic is so difficult....), Gene Wolfe, Prince of Thorns, Paul Hoffman, Anthony Ryan, Heroes Die, Way of Kings, The Sundering (Barron), Dark Tower, Night Angel, Drizzt, Bloody Nine. Could go on...
That's part of "the formula" basically.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
"tempered Kiriath steel", "Gallows Gap", "for three Empire-minted elementals the half hour", "treatise on skirmish warfare that the Trelayne Military Academy had politely declined", "would be impassable before Padrow's Eve", "talking about an Aldrain winter", "not much bigger than one of Trelayne's estuary slums", "up the hill where the town petered out against outcroppings of mountain granite", (The Steel Remains)
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Finished Devices and Desires by KJ Parker. It's "high fantasy" that is devoid of any magic. At first it was very interesting. Really caught my attention and in fact I did no writing for 4 days because of it. But increasingly it became bogged down in uninteresting details. And the characters aren't very interesting. And the stuff I kept turning the pages to get to... when it finally came was just glossed over, not well done.
A neat idea for the Mezentarians. An engineer society that is highly dogmatic. But still not much depth. And the same with the Vadani and Eremanians(sp). Certainly an attempt at depth was made with the book king Fashion and Lady Reason and much detail about various rituals, but somehow still manages to lack depth. Possible because it has very few characters. The is no description of "the common people". It went way downhill and I have no interest in reading book two or three.
In the interview at the end Parker says, "Basically it's a love story, which is why tens of thosands die, cities are torched, nations overthrown, and everybody betrays everydoby else at least once. It's also a sotry about a very ordianry man who's forced, through no fault of his own to do extraordianry things in order to achieve a very simple, everyday objective.
Furthermoe an exploration of the nature of manufacture, artifice and fabrication--the things we make, the reasons we make them, the ambivalence of everything we create, and the effects on other people of what we make. Ambitious, or what?"
It's not much at all of a love story. Ziani and his lady never even interact the entire book. Valens and Veatrix only exchange some letters. Perhaps just subjectively that's a problem for me. Very seriously not a fan of relationships that consist solely of letters.... Anyway: "or what". Didn't find it particularly ambitious.
Also finished Mythago Wood, which again, lost me in large part because the main character was a buffoon.
I suppose once again, a "hero" motivated by love. I guess that just doesn't work for me and I suppose that could just be me. Yet, certainly Hobb's Fitz very much had a love interest. But his was real. There was substance there. That worked. Valens is just writing letters to someone he liked the looks of when he was young and in heat. Ziani's love interest is a complete blank. The Mythago Wood guy....? I guess it was literally a woman created from his subonscious so undoubtedly there would be a strong "hormonal" based love. Which is meaningless. If he was intelligent enough to have even the slightest understanding of what was going on, it could have been interesting. But he wasn't.
Prince of Thorns was better in that it stuck to plain old revenge, lots of killing. The least relevant/most escapist. Aimed the lowest and didn't fail.
In a good mood. Successfully "bending but not breaking." Work is good. Sort of liking the cold weather. As long as my treadmill doesn't break. Although only running a max of 25 miles a week. Just too many other things to do.... Guess I could really try to do a few more on the weekend though....
I feel as if I have something to look forward to, but not really. The next weekend. The next night out with friends, next holiday. Increasing my cello playing on the weekends, usually. Really working on extended position. Which considering I've been playing for 3 years now I really should be better at.
Sick of football. What junk. Stupid announcers. Really just an all around stupid sport. I'm happier when I don't watch it. It's on right now, but no sound and I don't care about the game....
A neat idea for the Mezentarians. An engineer society that is highly dogmatic. But still not much depth. And the same with the Vadani and Eremanians(sp). Certainly an attempt at depth was made with the book king Fashion and Lady Reason and much detail about various rituals, but somehow still manages to lack depth. Possible because it has very few characters. The is no description of "the common people". It went way downhill and I have no interest in reading book two or three.
In the interview at the end Parker says, "Basically it's a love story, which is why tens of thosands die, cities are torched, nations overthrown, and everybody betrays everydoby else at least once. It's also a sotry about a very ordianry man who's forced, through no fault of his own to do extraordianry things in order to achieve a very simple, everyday objective.
Furthermoe an exploration of the nature of manufacture, artifice and fabrication--the things we make, the reasons we make them, the ambivalence of everything we create, and the effects on other people of what we make. Ambitious, or what?"
It's not much at all of a love story. Ziani and his lady never even interact the entire book. Valens and Veatrix only exchange some letters. Perhaps just subjectively that's a problem for me. Very seriously not a fan of relationships that consist solely of letters.... Anyway: "or what". Didn't find it particularly ambitious.
Also finished Mythago Wood, which again, lost me in large part because the main character was a buffoon.
I suppose once again, a "hero" motivated by love. I guess that just doesn't work for me and I suppose that could just be me. Yet, certainly Hobb's Fitz very much had a love interest. But his was real. There was substance there. That worked. Valens is just writing letters to someone he liked the looks of when he was young and in heat. Ziani's love interest is a complete blank. The Mythago Wood guy....? I guess it was literally a woman created from his subonscious so undoubtedly there would be a strong "hormonal" based love. Which is meaningless. If he was intelligent enough to have even the slightest understanding of what was going on, it could have been interesting. But he wasn't.
Prince of Thorns was better in that it stuck to plain old revenge, lots of killing. The least relevant/most escapist. Aimed the lowest and didn't fail.
In a good mood. Successfully "bending but not breaking." Work is good. Sort of liking the cold weather. As long as my treadmill doesn't break. Although only running a max of 25 miles a week. Just too many other things to do.... Guess I could really try to do a few more on the weekend though....
I feel as if I have something to look forward to, but not really. The next weekend. The next night out with friends, next holiday. Increasing my cello playing on the weekends, usually. Really working on extended position. Which considering I've been playing for 3 years now I really should be better at.
Sick of football. What junk. Stupid announcers. Really just an all around stupid sport. I'm happier when I don't watch it. It's on right now, but no sound and I don't care about the game....
Monday, November 11, 2013
I'm 80% in to Mythago Wood by Robert Holdstock. Love the idea of the subconscious tying into magic. But reading it quite slow and instead turning to The Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence. Hero in Mythago is stupid and incompetent. Really, what exactly redeeming qualities does he have? Morals aren't awful. That's it.
Prince of Thorns is simple story of revenge. Lots of killing. The most removed from our reality and most escapist story I guess and the easiest to keep someone's interest. I guess very low brow but the characters, in some ways are far from stupid. Smarter than in the Night Angel. High action. Captivating. Also he's 14, kills people really well, and tortures and like's some fun with prostitutes. Good stuff.
Prince of Thorns is simple story of revenge. Lots of killing. The most removed from our reality and most escapist story I guess and the easiest to keep someone's interest. I guess very low brow but the characters, in some ways are far from stupid. Smarter than in the Night Angel. High action. Captivating. Also he's 14, kills people really well, and tortures and like's some fun with prostitutes. Good stuff.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
So for 8 or 9 days straight I've chipped away at an outline. This is a first. Very happy about it. It's generically titled "Conventional Fantasy Outline" and may even begin with a youth at a magic school, unless I decide to start after he's failed out. Whatever I personally find most escapist... Will try not to worry that there's been so many wizard schools lately.
So I stopped the long hard run every 4 days. It was actually too hard on me. Can't run that hard for that long a distance that often. And found myself running less then. So now attempting to run most days. "Comfortable", "easy" running. 10.9 minute miles at 2% incline while watching TV. So damm boring. Can't stand even 30 miles a week from boredom. Finishing with hard running for 1 to 2 minutes. On the treadmill the hard running (10mph) was really bothering my lower back (bit of vague, very light burning into butt/right hip). So going to try doing that bit of hard running outside.
Started cello lessons every week.
This means a bit busy. If something has to give it should be the running. But I can see the running eating into the writing without it being very clear.
Quickly fails out. Not ten years of hell. This is escapism. Not necessarily relevant in any way to reality. A bit on enjoyment to people is of far more use than trying to show that this world sucks. Happy memories accumulate in the subconscious.
So I stopped the long hard run every 4 days. It was actually too hard on me. Can't run that hard for that long a distance that often. And found myself running less then. So now attempting to run most days. "Comfortable", "easy" running. 10.9 minute miles at 2% incline while watching TV. So damm boring. Can't stand even 30 miles a week from boredom. Finishing with hard running for 1 to 2 minutes. On the treadmill the hard running (10mph) was really bothering my lower back (bit of vague, very light burning into butt/right hip). So going to try doing that bit of hard running outside.
Started cello lessons every week.
This means a bit busy. If something has to give it should be the running. But I can see the running eating into the writing without it being very clear.
Quickly fails out. Not ten years of hell. This is escapism. Not necessarily relevant in any way to reality. A bit on enjoyment to people is of far more use than trying to show that this world sucks. Happy memories accumulate in the subconscious.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Maybe we collectively eventually fall apart and die because we collectively look forward to it. Maybe the secret to immortality is simply making a better world.
Bad migraine today. Think triggered by flu shot that if I didn't get my health insurance would have cost an extra 890 dollars per year. Two lortab did absolutely nothing. A tourniquet around my head seems to be the only thing that has made it tolerable. I had started eating chocolate again maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago. And I seem to be getting headaches lately. Maybe it's a coincidence, but I shall stop the chocolate. Bloodwork the other day showed a 60 point increase in my cholesterol (207). So I shall severely curtail diary products from my diet.
On some level, if not in pure agony, being sick can be nice. My wife takes care of me. I put the Dark Crystal or The Last Unicorn on. Loki usually stays with me. The responsibilities I feel can be forgotten for a while.
Tremendously bothered by this though. I can't think straight when it happens. And in general I feel like my ability to think recently has been a shadow of what it once was.
Bad migraine today. Think triggered by flu shot that if I didn't get my health insurance would have cost an extra 890 dollars per year. Two lortab did absolutely nothing. A tourniquet around my head seems to be the only thing that has made it tolerable. I had started eating chocolate again maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago. And I seem to be getting headaches lately. Maybe it's a coincidence, but I shall stop the chocolate. Bloodwork the other day showed a 60 point increase in my cholesterol (207). So I shall severely curtail diary products from my diet.
On some level, if not in pure agony, being sick can be nice. My wife takes care of me. I put the Dark Crystal or The Last Unicorn on. Loki usually stays with me. The responsibilities I feel can be forgotten for a while.
Tremendously bothered by this though. I can't think straight when it happens. And in general I feel like my ability to think recently has been a shadow of what it once was.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Really trying to put together an outline. Thinking that perhaps I should try to put together two. One more of what I really want to do and then a second that is more conventional. What I want is a main character that is too much of a loner most likely in a world that is a little too dystopian. I worry that such won't be sufficiently escapist even if it's low tech, magic and the "hero" has special powers.
Mages/Assassins/great fighters/Generals/Soliders and nobles (kings, barons and so on.) So it goes. What is the power structure? Where is our hero in it?
As opposed to wandering on the red plain. Can't be just wandering. Must be trying desperately to survive... I guess. I suppose just barely surviving thanks to special powers in a place that would kill any other human. Still need a power structure. Still probably something like nobles/mages, etc. For both still need 15 to 30 main characters I guess. The one can be more escapist. Main characters can have friends, etc, despite suffering adversity. I can be disgusted at how good he has it actually. The red plain "demon" will be less conventional.
Looking at top 50 or so fantasy fiction, Gene Wolfe only comes close, but really he spent most or all of his time with others. Sleeping with many women, traveling with a troupe, etc. Must be others, surely.
I think it's a sign of creativity to simply be able to come up with a damm outline. And I've not done so well so far. Started and stopped many times.
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Mythago Woods-really loving this idea of the subconscious interacting with something to create a type of magic.
Mages/Assassins/great fighters/Generals/Soliders and nobles (kings, barons and so on.) So it goes. What is the power structure? Where is our hero in it?
As opposed to wandering on the red plain. Can't be just wandering. Must be trying desperately to survive... I guess. I suppose just barely surviving thanks to special powers in a place that would kill any other human. Still need a power structure. Still probably something like nobles/mages, etc. For both still need 15 to 30 main characters I guess. The one can be more escapist. Main characters can have friends, etc, despite suffering adversity. I can be disgusted at how good he has it actually. The red plain "demon" will be less conventional.
Looking at top 50 or so fantasy fiction, Gene Wolfe only comes close, but really he spent most or all of his time with others. Sleeping with many women, traveling with a troupe, etc. Must be others, surely.
I think it's a sign of creativity to simply be able to come up with a damm outline. And I've not done so well so far. Started and stopped many times.
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Mythago Woods-really loving this idea of the subconscious interacting with something to create a type of magic.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Before the internet there was still TV and the concept of the world stage still existed in my mind. But I don't recall back then ever thinking about the people that I assumed must exist; that very small percentage of special people. I don't recall ever thinking of them but I may have. At some point though, after many years online, searching, I realized a horrible thing, that they were not out there.
On some level, though I don't recall thinking about them, I had previously assumed they were surely there. Then, finally, it one day occurred to me that they don't exist, they don't exist at all.
This, I think, was what primarily caused something of a breakdown for me. For this was the realization that there was no hope at all for this world, for my race was extinct. In desperation I reached out online in an increasingly abnormal manner. Desperately reached, desperately searched for any last remaining vestiges of the people that must surely exist.
But if they were out there I would surely have found them. Of this there is no doubt whatsoever.
At some point though I realized at least, that this perfect lack of hope took a huge responsibility off my shoulders. The end result was much more happiness, potentially a much longer lifespan and much more pointlessness.
On some level, though I don't recall thinking about them, I had previously assumed they were surely there. Then, finally, it one day occurred to me that they don't exist, they don't exist at all.
This, I think, was what primarily caused something of a breakdown for me. For this was the realization that there was no hope at all for this world, for my race was extinct. In desperation I reached out online in an increasingly abnormal manner. Desperately reached, desperately searched for any last remaining vestiges of the people that must surely exist.
But if they were out there I would surely have found them. Of this there is no doubt whatsoever.
At some point though I realized at least, that this perfect lack of hope took a huge responsibility off my shoulders. The end result was much more happiness, potentially a much longer lifespan and much more pointlessness.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Work/relations/anxiety: 5 not anxious. Not worried about work. 9 means making people laugh. 7 is really relaxing and enjoying people's company
Thanks to boss meeting plus chocolate dropped to a 3 or 4. But by 5pm I'm up to a 6. ..possibly the discovery of Roy Harper. And wife doing exercises...?
Energy/health: 5 is doing at least something productive in a day but also procrastinating 9 is doing it all. 4 is doing nothing 3 and lower is sick.
5 or 6. Procrastinating about cello but mainly because I'm working so much on writing. Straying from running actually as it's just a time suck. But not out of laziness, just because again, I'm trying to actually accomplish things.
existentially/life is meaningless 5 is feel not completely pointless as long as I'm producing something. 7 is feel happy about material stuff and being married, etc. 3 is feeling as all has unraveled.
Inexplicably a strong 7 this evening. Possibly the discovery of Roy Harper.
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Just reply to self in emails. Want to try to for a bit. Pasted once here just in case I manage to lose it... I guess. I don't know. Not much in the way of imaginary eyes/god these days. Definitely still there but has retreated. Or I could say my subconscious in general has. Or I could say I'm back to having one. Back to being largely unconscious like most people. Not exactly. But slightly true.
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....My grandmother and great uncle were long long dead by slow suicide from junk food and cigarettes. She a homemaker, him a butcher. My grandfather dead from an accident in the slave mines before I was born. My mother unable to tell me anything about him because he was always at work and she hardly knew him. My biological father left when I was one. I hear he's now been married 4 times. The one time he was going to meet me to talk, he canceled without rescheduling because he "had to go to church" that day. His mother (a homemaker) was the sort of lady who'd (actually did do this) scream at kids to get out of her yard because she was worried that if one got hurt they might sue her. A pointless nasty bit of uselessness. His father... a vacant former garbage man. Possibly a pedophile. My mother... a very ditzy woman addicted to some headache medicine I can't even spell for the last 30 years. Very sweet and not much going on upstairs. My sister, the same but more so. I think that the drugs, and maybe plus the headaches, has eaten away at her brain... My stepfather, a strange foreign man with no friends who has spent all his free time for the last 40 years laying in bed. And not because he's depressed or sick. The only thing he's ever been depressed about is my mom wasting money. He is completely eccentric. My wife's father has some social problem where he just can't relax. He never really talks. My wife's mother was schizophrenic and died young. And all her grandparents died very young.
My mom's sister was so depressed for years that she did lots of electroshock therapy. She's virtually never spoken to me my entire life. Her husband and two sons are nice but very quiet and introverted. They like guns. And hunting. And dirtbikes. And they live 3 hours away. It's not that we don't get along, we just don't speak to each other even if sitting two feet away.
Lots of "successful" people like to mention some teacher that made a big difference in their life. The best teachers I ever had were the very few who knew at least to just leave me alone.
I make it sound worse than it is I suppose. Both my parents were/are teachers. But my mom has been a science teacher for maybe 20 years and I just explained carbon dating to her last week. My stepfather is a professor. But he likes to brag he hasn't read a book in 30 years.
I don't seem to have had a very good environment. I see some of the doctors at work, well at least a few and I think with my environment I grew up in, I had NO chance. To think of me being say the head of neurosurgery... well at least the current head who is quite impressive, is laughable.
This is a thing I do when in a bad mood I guess. But I do it rather often. Actually the head of neurology is not really impressive. Nor are the residents. Some of the doctors are, some not all that much. But clearly I have deficiencies and my lack of any kind of role model growing up, the lack of anyone at all, ANYONE, that I could recognize as someone worth really learning from can not have done me any good.
At least I wasn't severely abused.
Two things though:
1. With writing I really don't think as well. In fact I can't even follow my thoughts correctly where they had managed to go on their own before I got to the keyboard. Maybe the brain power needed to type, snuff's out the tiny flame of my worthwhile thinking?
2. The point of the woe is me writing, wasn't woe is me. It was ................ on a fundamental level something very important has been shattered within me. A sense, my sense of....community. Of social relations, of family and such. Ripped apart. In it's place an empty nothing.
So.... On the road to cousin's for wedding this weekend. But it's all a sham. There is no meaningful relationship. Just the empty forms. The rituals are meaningless. It's all empty. Just sit in a room alone and stare at a wall.
Went two weeks ago for party somewhat related to wedding and was very annoyed/unhappy because of this underlying feeling. And this same feeling I think is always there in me. A very perceptful(sp???) person could see this emptiness within me I think upon first meeting me.
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In chocolate depression-beauty just means the most regular features. Which are beautiful because they mean fitting in. They mean being very normal and thus being a part of the community. We want to latch on to such people so that we too can be more a part of the overriding community of mankind on a subconscious level.
Thanks to boss meeting plus chocolate dropped to a 3 or 4. But by 5pm I'm up to a 6. ..possibly the discovery of Roy Harper. And wife doing exercises...?
Energy/health: 5 is doing at least something productive in a day but also procrastinating 9 is doing it all. 4 is doing nothing 3 and lower is sick.
5 or 6. Procrastinating about cello but mainly because I'm working so much on writing. Straying from running actually as it's just a time suck. But not out of laziness, just because again, I'm trying to actually accomplish things.
existentially/life is meaningless 5 is feel not completely pointless as long as I'm producing something. 7 is feel happy about material stuff and being married, etc. 3 is feeling as all has unraveled.
Inexplicably a strong 7 this evening. Possibly the discovery of Roy Harper.
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Just reply to self in emails. Want to try to for a bit. Pasted once here just in case I manage to lose it... I guess. I don't know. Not much in the way of imaginary eyes/god these days. Definitely still there but has retreated. Or I could say my subconscious in general has. Or I could say I'm back to having one. Back to being largely unconscious like most people. Not exactly. But slightly true.
-----
....My grandmother and great uncle were long long dead by slow suicide from junk food and cigarettes. She a homemaker, him a butcher. My grandfather dead from an accident in the slave mines before I was born. My mother unable to tell me anything about him because he was always at work and she hardly knew him. My biological father left when I was one. I hear he's now been married 4 times. The one time he was going to meet me to talk, he canceled without rescheduling because he "had to go to church" that day. His mother (a homemaker) was the sort of lady who'd (actually did do this) scream at kids to get out of her yard because she was worried that if one got hurt they might sue her. A pointless nasty bit of uselessness. His father... a vacant former garbage man. Possibly a pedophile. My mother... a very ditzy woman addicted to some headache medicine I can't even spell for the last 30 years. Very sweet and not much going on upstairs. My sister, the same but more so. I think that the drugs, and maybe plus the headaches, has eaten away at her brain... My stepfather, a strange foreign man with no friends who has spent all his free time for the last 40 years laying in bed. And not because he's depressed or sick. The only thing he's ever been depressed about is my mom wasting money. He is completely eccentric. My wife's father has some social problem where he just can't relax. He never really talks. My wife's mother was schizophrenic and died young. And all her grandparents died very young.
My mom's sister was so depressed for years that she did lots of electroshock therapy. She's virtually never spoken to me my entire life. Her husband and two sons are nice but very quiet and introverted. They like guns. And hunting. And dirtbikes. And they live 3 hours away. It's not that we don't get along, we just don't speak to each other even if sitting two feet away.
Lots of "successful" people like to mention some teacher that made a big difference in their life. The best teachers I ever had were the very few who knew at least to just leave me alone.
I make it sound worse than it is I suppose. Both my parents were/are teachers. But my mom has been a science teacher for maybe 20 years and I just explained carbon dating to her last week. My stepfather is a professor. But he likes to brag he hasn't read a book in 30 years.
I don't seem to have had a very good environment. I see some of the doctors at work, well at least a few and I think with my environment I grew up in, I had NO chance. To think of me being say the head of neurosurgery... well at least the current head who is quite impressive, is laughable.
This is a thing I do when in a bad mood I guess. But I do it rather often. Actually the head of neurology is not really impressive. Nor are the residents. Some of the doctors are, some not all that much. But clearly I have deficiencies and my lack of any kind of role model growing up, the lack of anyone at all, ANYONE, that I could recognize as someone worth really learning from can not have done me any good.
At least I wasn't severely abused.
Two things though:
1. With writing I really don't think as well. In fact I can't even follow my thoughts correctly where they had managed to go on their own before I got to the keyboard. Maybe the brain power needed to type, snuff's out the tiny flame of my worthwhile thinking?
2. The point of the woe is me writing, wasn't woe is me. It was ................ on a fundamental level something very important has been shattered within me. A sense, my sense of....community. Of social relations, of family and such. Ripped apart. In it's place an empty nothing.
So.... On the road to cousin's for wedding this weekend. But it's all a sham. There is no meaningful relationship. Just the empty forms. The rituals are meaningless. It's all empty. Just sit in a room alone and stare at a wall.
Went two weeks ago for party somewhat related to wedding and was very annoyed/unhappy because of this underlying feeling. And this same feeling I think is always there in me. A very perceptful(sp???) person could see this emptiness within me I think upon first meeting me.
-----
In chocolate depression-beauty just means the most regular features. Which are beautiful because they mean fitting in. They mean being very normal and thus being a part of the community. We want to latch on to such people so that we too can be more a part of the overriding community of mankind on a subconscious level.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
4th run was bad. 11 miles in 1:38:45 but I recuperated very well despite running very hard.
5th today was 11 miles in 1:35:55 on the harder hillier (BR) course.
Also started eating chocolate again a few days back and have not had a headache. I think eating chips (the preservatives in them...??) made me more susceptible and then all kinds of things put me over the edge. Now I can drink alcohol, cheese and chocolate even without issue.
5th today was 11 miles in 1:35:55 on the harder hillier (BR) course.
Also started eating chocolate again a few days back and have not had a headache. I think eating chips (the preservatives in them...??) made me more susceptible and then all kinds of things put me over the edge. Now I can drink alcohol, cheese and chocolate even without issue.
Monday, October 7, 2013
So just doing a long run once every 4 days. Did my third 10 miler today in 1:27:52. Almost a 3 minute improvement from the first. Got really sore on the second one on a more hilly (BR) course. Felt pretty crappy afterwards for a few days.. Also gastric upset, maybe not adjusting well (yet) to eating a lot of fruit. Well I was doing good with apples and pears, but just eating a lot of cantalope maybe not as well. Who knows.
Afterwards I had much more energy than the previous time. But then I had some insomnia and thought I was getting a migraine. Finally broke down and took an aspirin, and then a lortab and relpax. And managed to get some sleep and felt very well the next day. Best I've felt in a while. It's possible to really feel awful after a hard long run. The first 24 to 48 hours after such a run can be far, far worse than the run. But you definitely get better at handling it. And it's quite enjoyable (usually) to run quite a bit beyond an hour at a decent speed.
Trying to make a template using a couple of a my favorite trilogies. Starting to spend too much time going out with people. Too busy.
Afterwards I had much more energy than the previous time. But then I had some insomnia and thought I was getting a migraine. Finally broke down and took an aspirin, and then a lortab and relpax. And managed to get some sleep and felt very well the next day. Best I've felt in a while. It's possible to really feel awful after a hard long run. The first 24 to 48 hours after such a run can be far, far worse than the run. But you definitely get better at handling it. And it's quite enjoyable (usually) to run quite a bit beyond an hour at a decent speed.
Trying to make a template using a couple of a my favorite trilogies. Starting to spend too much time going out with people. Too busy.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Football is like cocaine to me. I mean I don't really enjoy it and it makes me feel miserable. I'm just wasting my time. The game that's just on in the background that first week starts to matter a bit more such that by week 3 or 4 I just sit there the whole day doing nothing else. And so this weekend I watched WVU, Steelers game and Jets game and that's 12 hours. I read a book here and there also, but just a bit. I'm disgusted with myself. Now as it's getting dark, I could at least go practice my cello.... and I will. But if not for writing this I wouldn't have. I would just have gone with feeling disgusted and completely wasting this day.
As some people can't handle alcohol, etc, I can't handle football. I have to just not watch it at all. Of course I know it's stupid sport also. People hurting each other and tons of commercials. But I've learned the hard way that in order to have any enjoyment at all in this life I have to ignore the inherent stupidity that is in everything. But perhaps for football I shouldn't ignore it.
As some people can't handle alcohol, etc, I can't handle football. I have to just not watch it at all. Of course I know it's stupid sport also. People hurting each other and tons of commercials. But I've learned the hard way that in order to have any enjoyment at all in this life I have to ignore the inherent stupidity that is in everything. But perhaps for football I shouldn't ignore it.
Crashed yet again on weekly time trial. Also I notice I'm increasingly just laying around. Hardly played the cello in the last month. Some garden work (that doesn't really need done till spring) has just sat for a few months. Lots of anerobic activity makes me want to lay around. And my 3 mile PR is still from 18 months ago when my training was just two runs a week, although very long. So I'm going back to just running twice a week I guess. Today did 10 miles in 90 minutes. Hopefully will improve on that and at least be ready to run half marathons whenever.
Really watching a lot of football lately. Oh well. Summarizing the plot of the Farseer Trilogy. At one point Fitz gets caught, escapes, gets caught again, like three times in a row. Ridiculous. Most things when they're taken apart eventually don't look like much. And it seems when putting them together it's probably much the same in the beginning.
Really watching a lot of football lately. Oh well. Summarizing the plot of the Farseer Trilogy. At one point Fitz gets caught, escapes, gets caught again, like three times in a row. Ridiculous. Most things when they're taken apart eventually don't look like much. And it seems when putting them together it's probably much the same in the beginning.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Today 2 miles in 13:39 which is a 19 or so second PB. Of course my garmin broke and the mile marker may have been a bit off but any which way it's a really good time for me. First PB in about a year. Must remember what I've been doing:
1. A few months of intervals about 5 days a week. At first 3 minutes, in the last couple weeks 2 and then only 1. Then easing up last week and this week instead doing my first long run (12 miles at 5mph) on Saturday, then 3 minute intervals on Tuesday for only 3 miles. (I now definitely think that 1 minute intervals are too short!)
2. Weighed 204.4 without shoes.
3. Have eaten more fruit recently than I ever have when into running. Cantalope and honeydew often for breakfast and otherwise apples and pears baked with cinnamon and walnuts/pecans.
Still doing the one legged squats after each run. Just a quick set of 100. Knee doing well, though what is wrong is still there.
Previous PB's happened when I combined slow long runs with some very hard fast runs. I really wonder though that additionally the fruit may be helping. I definitely feel a bit better with eating more fruit anyway.
For weightlifting, just a single pretty hard set of bench presses, pulldowns and shoulder raises every 4 or 5 days.
1. A few months of intervals about 5 days a week. At first 3 minutes, in the last couple weeks 2 and then only 1. Then easing up last week and this week instead doing my first long run (12 miles at 5mph) on Saturday, then 3 minute intervals on Tuesday for only 3 miles. (I now definitely think that 1 minute intervals are too short!)
2. Weighed 204.4 without shoes.
3. Have eaten more fruit recently than I ever have when into running. Cantalope and honeydew often for breakfast and otherwise apples and pears baked with cinnamon and walnuts/pecans.
Still doing the one legged squats after each run. Just a quick set of 100. Knee doing well, though what is wrong is still there.
Previous PB's happened when I combined slow long runs with some very hard fast runs. I really wonder though that additionally the fruit may be helping. I definitely feel a bit better with eating more fruit anyway.
For weightlifting, just a single pretty hard set of bench presses, pulldowns and shoulder raises every 4 or 5 days.
Monday, September 16, 2013
I cured a second person's insomnia.
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World building. Jare, Meglin, Viridian, Noror, Teng (preliminary names). Making the kings. The basic cultures and so on. The geographical features and so on. Need to work on the magic system. And the religions. And if that's all that ever comes, that's just fine. But it seems like for better or worse there will be more.
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Switched to just running three days a week. A long run. A hard tempo. An interval workout. Running 6 days a week made me feel like I wasn't getting other things done.
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Pond leak. Can't find it. Very slow leak. Could just refill it once every week or so. But strangely inconsistent.
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Nothing much to say. Would rather be working on my world. Still hanging out with D and S all this time later. No others. Found S is also a INTJ. Wife is a INFJ.
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Rereading Farseer Trilogy for I think the 4th time. This time not quite as good. Still nostalgia. Comfort read. Maybe on the kindle with black background plays a role? Some plot stuff is just too contrived. And I think there were even a few inconsistencies? But I care far more about worldbuilding and characters.
Actually the world building is nothing special. I've heard her say you have to have a religion to make a world any good, but there is virtually no religion at all so far. Verity being in Fitz mind when Nighteyes is there also and yet Verity doesn't know is a bit much. The extent to which Regal gets away with things also. And the slow poisoning of Shrewd. I like the plot of Titus Groan and Gormenghast much better. If only it had some magic.
Would that work? Some magic added in?
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World building. Jare, Meglin, Viridian, Noror, Teng (preliminary names). Making the kings. The basic cultures and so on. The geographical features and so on. Need to work on the magic system. And the religions. And if that's all that ever comes, that's just fine. But it seems like for better or worse there will be more.
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Switched to just running three days a week. A long run. A hard tempo. An interval workout. Running 6 days a week made me feel like I wasn't getting other things done.
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Pond leak. Can't find it. Very slow leak. Could just refill it once every week or so. But strangely inconsistent.
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Nothing much to say. Would rather be working on my world. Still hanging out with D and S all this time later. No others. Found S is also a INTJ. Wife is a INFJ.
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Rereading Farseer Trilogy for I think the 4th time. This time not quite as good. Still nostalgia. Comfort read. Maybe on the kindle with black background plays a role? Some plot stuff is just too contrived. And I think there were even a few inconsistencies? But I care far more about worldbuilding and characters.
Actually the world building is nothing special. I've heard her say you have to have a religion to make a world any good, but there is virtually no religion at all so far. Verity being in Fitz mind when Nighteyes is there also and yet Verity doesn't know is a bit much. The extent to which Regal gets away with things also. And the slow poisoning of Shrewd. I like the plot of Titus Groan and Gormenghast much better. If only it had some magic.
Would that work? Some magic added in?
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I was moving along with the writing pretty well. My best ever I guess. But then it seems things unraveled on me and now I'm putting if off out of some fear of failure thing maybe. Forgetting what I was enjoying in the first place.
I felt that the story needed to be completely thrown out. And that isn't actually true. I could continue with it and make something of it. Possibly doesn't have the potential to be great, but it was something. But I went and started reading some Titus Groan and Assassin's Apprentice. The latter especially made me feel like I needed to start completely over again.
My guy is spending most of his time out alone. That's just the nature of what he does. Yet interactions are everything.
I recall Harpy's Flight by Lindholm. She was all out alone. And it definitely was not as good a book. Yet, she still wrote it. She stuck with it..... ....And then she had to take a new name when she wrote the Farseer Trilogy for it to have any chance of recognition...
(sigh) so I do think I need to reassess. Need to spend at least most of one's time in a decently sized town if not a city. Probably. Eh, I don't know.
Think I need to go back and write a history. Hobb had that for certain. And she had such injustice yet not in a dystopia. It is escapist yet with great injustice. Only the bastard really suffers because he's a bastard. It's kind of the perfect thing. No parents. Held in distaste by so many people. Just political circumstances.
What else would work as well? Born with a hideous birth defect? In the soldier tril the guy suddenly starts gaining weight like crazy because of magic and is thus disowned by his father. The magic boat series has some pirates and rape/pedophilia. And then the poor sentient boat is left abandoned. Injustice but not in a dystopia. That is what has to be managed somehow.
(sigh) Will work on the history of the red plain. A Claw of the Conciliator sort of world.
I felt that the story needed to be completely thrown out. And that isn't actually true. I could continue with it and make something of it. Possibly doesn't have the potential to be great, but it was something. But I went and started reading some Titus Groan and Assassin's Apprentice. The latter especially made me feel like I needed to start completely over again.
My guy is spending most of his time out alone. That's just the nature of what he does. Yet interactions are everything.
I recall Harpy's Flight by Lindholm. She was all out alone. And it definitely was not as good a book. Yet, she still wrote it. She stuck with it..... ....And then she had to take a new name when she wrote the Farseer Trilogy for it to have any chance of recognition...
(sigh) so I do think I need to reassess. Need to spend at least most of one's time in a decently sized town if not a city. Probably. Eh, I don't know.
Think I need to go back and write a history. Hobb had that for certain. And she had such injustice yet not in a dystopia. It is escapist yet with great injustice. Only the bastard really suffers because he's a bastard. It's kind of the perfect thing. No parents. Held in distaste by so many people. Just political circumstances.
What else would work as well? Born with a hideous birth defect? In the soldier tril the guy suddenly starts gaining weight like crazy because of magic and is thus disowned by his father. The magic boat series has some pirates and rape/pedophilia. And then the poor sentient boat is left abandoned. Injustice but not in a dystopia. That is what has to be managed somehow.
(sigh) Will work on the history of the red plain. A Claw of the Conciliator sort of world.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Intervals 5 days a week. This is I think may be the 6th week. But maybe only the third or fourth on a treadmill. 7% incline. Up to 6.875 mph for 8 2's then 7.4 for 4 1's. Felt kind of good today. Very little discomfort. Just maybe I'll set a pb this weekend for 4 miles (current is 7:18).
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Mentally not feeling all that great. Not enough to do at work and the one wonderful boss left. Now just left with this one who's main positive quality is that I very rarely see them. Not very smart, doesn't reply to the questions I ask, and just kind of leaves it out there that maybe I'm supposed to just work 60 hours a week to accomplish the otherwise impossible?? Maybe? I don't know? She doesn't say. If she said so for certain, I'd just go ahead and start looking for a new job. Instead though, I'm in this gray area of cluelessness that I especially dislike. Don't like to play these kind of fucking games with people. Why can't I just be a farmer? Wake up and go do my damm work, the work that is clearly set for me to do and not have to worry about fucking games. Fucking Dilbert crap leaves me miserable.
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Thinking about how irrelevant the typical feudal society of fantasy fiction is to modern reality. But then I don't know. Does it matter? What have I really learned from any fantasy fiction book?
I think the villains have helped develop my sense of morals. Beyond that at best, I have a beautiful memory of some other place. In some way I make myself believe that these other places exist... The Six Duchies, the Gaeane Reach, Gormenghast, that Brent Weeks world. Middle Earth, GRR Martin's world. That is mostly it.. The lack of relevance is kind of a good thing. But, the characters in these books are of course relevant in some ways. Not in an Office Space way I guess, thank god. But in some ways......
Excepting Vance, no such memories for sci fi. All those dystopias... mean nothing to me. If it doesn't change this world, what's the point of writing about a dystopia? Did Huxley help us get rid of the assembly line? We barrel forward all the same no matter what is written. We can only hope for an escape, some little something to hold on to in the back of our mind.
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Mentally not feeling all that great. Not enough to do at work and the one wonderful boss left. Now just left with this one who's main positive quality is that I very rarely see them. Not very smart, doesn't reply to the questions I ask, and just kind of leaves it out there that maybe I'm supposed to just work 60 hours a week to accomplish the otherwise impossible?? Maybe? I don't know? She doesn't say. If she said so for certain, I'd just go ahead and start looking for a new job. Instead though, I'm in this gray area of cluelessness that I especially dislike. Don't like to play these kind of fucking games with people. Why can't I just be a farmer? Wake up and go do my damm work, the work that is clearly set for me to do and not have to worry about fucking games. Fucking Dilbert crap leaves me miserable.
----
Thinking about how irrelevant the typical feudal society of fantasy fiction is to modern reality. But then I don't know. Does it matter? What have I really learned from any fantasy fiction book?
I think the villains have helped develop my sense of morals. Beyond that at best, I have a beautiful memory of some other place. In some way I make myself believe that these other places exist... The Six Duchies, the Gaeane Reach, Gormenghast, that Brent Weeks world. Middle Earth, GRR Martin's world. That is mostly it.. The lack of relevance is kind of a good thing. But, the characters in these books are of course relevant in some ways. Not in an Office Space way I guess, thank god. But in some ways......
Excepting Vance, no such memories for sci fi. All those dystopias... mean nothing to me. If it doesn't change this world, what's the point of writing about a dystopia? Did Huxley help us get rid of the assembly line? We barrel forward all the same no matter what is written. We can only hope for an escape, some little something to hold on to in the back of our mind.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
2 mile = 6:98 8/28/12 (80/20 two slow long, two tempo)
3 mile = 7:13 4/28/12 (just intervals twice a week for almost two hours each time)
4 mile = 7:18 10/16/12 (80/20 two slow long, two tempo and then suddenly did 20 mile run then this two days later)
5 mile = 7:25 9/13/12 (80/20 two slow long, two tempo)
6 mile = 7:41 11/14/12 (? not very good, think I wandered away from 80/20, which was so boring)
8 mile = 7:53 9/29/12 (80/20 two long slow, two tempo)
All these best runs had two hard runs per week except the 6 mile that wasn't very good. Only the 3 mile did not have the high weekly mileage with lots of boring slow runs. And yet it was a fine time. Unfortunately injuries became an issue. Now thanks to hills on the treadmill I'm doing intervals daily without injury. And very suddenly getting back to these times without all the long slow boring runs.
3 mile = 7:13 4/28/12 (just intervals twice a week for almost two hours each time)
4 mile = 7:18 10/16/12 (80/20 two slow long, two tempo and then suddenly did 20 mile run then this two days later)
5 mile = 7:25 9/13/12 (80/20 two slow long, two tempo)
6 mile = 7:41 11/14/12 (? not very good, think I wandered away from 80/20, which was so boring)
8 mile = 7:53 9/29/12 (80/20 two long slow, two tempo)
All these best runs had two hard runs per week except the 6 mile that wasn't very good. Only the 3 mile did not have the high weekly mileage with lots of boring slow runs. And yet it was a fine time. Unfortunately injuries became an issue. Now thanks to hills on the treadmill I'm doing intervals daily without injury. And very suddenly getting back to these times without all the long slow boring runs.
Can it be an escape at the same time that it is dystopian torture? If there is magic, yes. If there is a glimmer of hope, yes.
Magic, dammit, I need it, somehow, someway in there. But, yet, it must be just the right degree. Too much and I guess life is just too easy. Working it just right, feels a bit too much like being God, as opposed to really being down in the world. Working it just right means you see the cotton stuffing. Maybe.
Look at Shardik. It could be said there isn't actually any magic, although it's still definitely fantasy. Extreme coincidences in a low tech setting. Still it works.
Would it be enough for me? Coincidences/Luck?
....what is the glimmer of hope amongst the barely bearable misery?
Magic, dammit, I need it, somehow, someway in there. But, yet, it must be just the right degree. Too much and I guess life is just too easy. Working it just right, feels a bit too much like being God, as opposed to really being down in the world. Working it just right means you see the cotton stuffing. Maybe.
Look at Shardik. It could be said there isn't actually any magic, although it's still definitely fantasy. Extreme coincidences in a low tech setting. Still it works.
Would it be enough for me? Coincidences/Luck?
....what is the glimmer of hope amongst the barely bearable misery?
Roughly a month ago I ran 5 miles in 7:54. Then I spent two weeks doing intervals and did a 5 mile run in 7:44. Then about a week of hill intervals and I did 4 miles in 7:35. Then I did hill intervals for a bit less than a week and did 4 miles in 7:27. With doing the intervals up hill (7% incline), I can hopefully keep my knee decent while still running fast enough/with enough of a short burst of intensity to improve. So far, yes. Feels great. Definitely prefer working out this way at least aside from what actually works best. Obviously in the short term it works better.....
Lately trying to do 45 minutes, 5 or 6 days a week. Only going 6.5 mph or 6.6. Can go faster, but not day after day for 45 minutes.
Those first two weeks I was doing 3 minute intervals on roads. When I switched to hills on the treadmill I switched to 2 minute and 90 secs. It seems likely that the shorter intervals explains the faster improvement. While the hills are simply a necessity to hopefully avoid injury.
If I'm getting close to breaking 7 minute miles in a month or so, I'll be very happy.
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Kind of seems like I've been writing, although I still don't really know what it is I really most want to write. Wandering. But at least doing something. If only I knew what I wanted most to write, then I think I could really get down to it. I should perhaps just choose something, and put my head down and get to it. Something relatively unoriginal. Not something that is going to change people. What I've instead been waiting for, just isn't happening.
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Moved by Paul Hoffman's Left Hand of God. Like the idea of a torturous life for this kid. Living in a dark ages, religious extremism. What is funny is that the castle or fortress is really not described well. And just what the children spend their days doing, isn't all that well explained either. I guess learning to be amazing soldiers...? But it's very vague. Only explained far far after the fact. In fact only two other students have any real role, and I think maybe only one single other is ever even mentioned at all.
If it were me doing the writing, I'd find it way too pitiful vague, but I enjoyed reading it.
But no, I'd chuck it, if I were the one writing it.
I could see bothering to write Gormenghast. (Though strangely I never even read the third book, in part because of Peake's dying, but only in part......) Possibly Shardik. I think. And that's a hell of improvement from the past. I seem to recall that there was nothing at all I could say that of. Possibly I've changed. I am improving in my attitude of just doing things; doing them simply as opposed to doing nothing. I need to do better at applying this idea to story writing. As that is The Thing. The Thing that has eluded me. No matter it's possibly my too high standards that stand in the way.
I have been working on Bach's famous Prelude on the cello, but not practicing adequately lately. If I manage to really get into writing, it's going to be hard to manage all these others things.
Extending my garden so I can grow more blackberries. I've grown to like the taste more. And they're so very easy to take care of.
Lately trying to do 45 minutes, 5 or 6 days a week. Only going 6.5 mph or 6.6. Can go faster, but not day after day for 45 minutes.
Those first two weeks I was doing 3 minute intervals on roads. When I switched to hills on the treadmill I switched to 2 minute and 90 secs. It seems likely that the shorter intervals explains the faster improvement. While the hills are simply a necessity to hopefully avoid injury.
If I'm getting close to breaking 7 minute miles in a month or so, I'll be very happy.
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Kind of seems like I've been writing, although I still don't really know what it is I really most want to write. Wandering. But at least doing something. If only I knew what I wanted most to write, then I think I could really get down to it. I should perhaps just choose something, and put my head down and get to it. Something relatively unoriginal. Not something that is going to change people. What I've instead been waiting for, just isn't happening.
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Moved by Paul Hoffman's Left Hand of God. Like the idea of a torturous life for this kid. Living in a dark ages, religious extremism. What is funny is that the castle or fortress is really not described well. And just what the children spend their days doing, isn't all that well explained either. I guess learning to be amazing soldiers...? But it's very vague. Only explained far far after the fact. In fact only two other students have any real role, and I think maybe only one single other is ever even mentioned at all.
If it were me doing the writing, I'd find it way too pitiful vague, but I enjoyed reading it.
But no, I'd chuck it, if I were the one writing it.
I could see bothering to write Gormenghast. (Though strangely I never even read the third book, in part because of Peake's dying, but only in part......) Possibly Shardik. I think. And that's a hell of improvement from the past. I seem to recall that there was nothing at all I could say that of. Possibly I've changed. I am improving in my attitude of just doing things; doing them simply as opposed to doing nothing. I need to do better at applying this idea to story writing. As that is The Thing. The Thing that has eluded me. No matter it's possibly my too high standards that stand in the way.
I have been working on Bach's famous Prelude on the cello, but not practicing adequately lately. If I manage to really get into writing, it's going to be hard to manage all these others things.
Extending my garden so I can grow more blackberries. I've grown to like the taste more. And they're so very easy to take care of.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
The Left Hand of God by Paul Hoffman
This was a great book. Another hero with who has suffered great injustice who has an ace. Again, that being that he can kick ass. No magic other than his ridiculous ability to kick it. Really liked the beginning of this book. The extent to which it almost reads like alternate history (thus I guess being slightly less creative) did not subtract at all. Really well done. Not much in the way of complaints... I mean I could surely pick holes in it. But I was too busy enjoying it.
The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N K Jemisim
Not sure I'll finish it. Doesn't have the level of world building that Left Hand has... And has that stereotypical woman writing style, which, just doesn't appeal to me quite as much. Feels like a video game. Jumps right into things a little too quick? I dunno.
Blood of Dragons by Robin Hobb
She even mentioned kind of getting sick of having to stick with some unidentified work. This felt slightly mailed in. Definitely not her best. This whole last tril has had a bit much of a YA feel. Hest was too stupid. I guess Prince Regal was also. But irrational paranoia... somehow worked better. Maybe because we spent far less time in his brain. I still liked this book. But it felt like a guilty pleasure and I'm not going to be raving about it to anyone.
I've never read a fantasy fiction book with that much gayness in it. Which, I don't know, almost, I dunno, like too romancy for me. Ultimately was rushed. They defeated Chalced in a day. After how they annoyed on and on through so many books. Feh. At times I wondered if she was actively trying to write more like GRR Martin, with the constant jumping from character to character and annoying cliffhangers. Not as dark as earlier books. Not trying to save the world. Not trying to being magic back into the world. Oh well. I enjoyed it.
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
Sci Fi. This future dystopia is interesting. Kind of. But the characters aren't. Sci fi characters never seem to suffer very much. Top 100 book on some lists. I guess I can see that it's decent. But exactly not my kind of thing. Geeky tech stuff that in and of itself is not interesting.
American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Trying to give Gaiman more of a chance. So far this guy is trying to get him to take a job. This is just OK. Not sure if I'll finish it. Feels very tired. Like it's been done many times before. The excon reminds me of a somethng Steven King would write.
A Ring of Endless Light by Madeline L'Engle
A top 100 book that I hadn't heard of. Nothing really happens during the sample. Nothing at all. No Stormy nights are my glory. No 5 year old genius. Just a big family doing nothing interesting at all. I probably should give it more of a chance. Fond memories of Charles/Meg Wallace etc.
Finally a sci fi movie: Elysium
It was awful. I like Damon as a person but he is so wooden as an actor. The "revolutionary" overacted horribly. The australian guy... good lord. Shut up! Pitiful movie. And I wanted to like it. So few decent sci fi mmovies. Someone claimed it was leftist radical. Blah. Whatever. Everything was thin. Such thin cardboard characters. Someone please shut up that australian guy already. Wow, this was a sad, tired movie. Luckily it was a dinner theater and I finally just read some Paul Hoffman instead. (Table with lights.) As my wife will not leave a bad movie, no matter how bad it is. We paid money and we're going to sit there no matter what!
This was a great book. Another hero with who has suffered great injustice who has an ace. Again, that being that he can kick ass. No magic other than his ridiculous ability to kick it. Really liked the beginning of this book. The extent to which it almost reads like alternate history (thus I guess being slightly less creative) did not subtract at all. Really well done. Not much in the way of complaints... I mean I could surely pick holes in it. But I was too busy enjoying it.
The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N K Jemisim
Not sure I'll finish it. Doesn't have the level of world building that Left Hand has... And has that stereotypical woman writing style, which, just doesn't appeal to me quite as much. Feels like a video game. Jumps right into things a little too quick? I dunno.
Blood of Dragons by Robin Hobb
She even mentioned kind of getting sick of having to stick with some unidentified work. This felt slightly mailed in. Definitely not her best. This whole last tril has had a bit much of a YA feel. Hest was too stupid. I guess Prince Regal was also. But irrational paranoia... somehow worked better. Maybe because we spent far less time in his brain. I still liked this book. But it felt like a guilty pleasure and I'm not going to be raving about it to anyone.
I've never read a fantasy fiction book with that much gayness in it. Which, I don't know, almost, I dunno, like too romancy for me. Ultimately was rushed. They defeated Chalced in a day. After how they annoyed on and on through so many books. Feh. At times I wondered if she was actively trying to write more like GRR Martin, with the constant jumping from character to character and annoying cliffhangers. Not as dark as earlier books. Not trying to save the world. Not trying to being magic back into the world. Oh well. I enjoyed it.
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
Sci Fi. This future dystopia is interesting. Kind of. But the characters aren't. Sci fi characters never seem to suffer very much. Top 100 book on some lists. I guess I can see that it's decent. But exactly not my kind of thing. Geeky tech stuff that in and of itself is not interesting.
American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Trying to give Gaiman more of a chance. So far this guy is trying to get him to take a job. This is just OK. Not sure if I'll finish it. Feels very tired. Like it's been done many times before. The excon reminds me of a somethng Steven King would write.
A Ring of Endless Light by Madeline L'Engle
A top 100 book that I hadn't heard of. Nothing really happens during the sample. Nothing at all. No Stormy nights are my glory. No 5 year old genius. Just a big family doing nothing interesting at all. I probably should give it more of a chance. Fond memories of Charles/Meg Wallace etc.
Finally a sci fi movie: Elysium
It was awful. I like Damon as a person but he is so wooden as an actor. The "revolutionary" overacted horribly. The australian guy... good lord. Shut up! Pitiful movie. And I wanted to like it. So few decent sci fi mmovies. Someone claimed it was leftist radical. Blah. Whatever. Everything was thin. Such thin cardboard characters. Someone please shut up that australian guy already. Wow, this was a sad, tired movie. Luckily it was a dinner theater and I finally just read some Paul Hoffman instead. (Table with lights.) As my wife will not leave a bad movie, no matter how bad it is. We paid money and we're going to sit there no matter what!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Time travel before and after the genocide. Back to kill father when he was young. Lighthouses and seaships. And fuck if I can remember.
Bloodsong by Anthony Ryan
Originally self-published yet a great book. Hero with an ace. Faces some injustice but not really all that much. Being in the 6th order where you might die I guess is a sort of injustice. The king who is holding people he cares about basically hostage is a sort. Nice long book. Unfortunately book one of a series that may take a while to be finished. something Al Sorna. Almost arabic names? Plus arabic-like religious intolerance. Their own "faith" though is strangely very vague. Why they question it so little doesn't quite make sense. The ending in the desert had a Lawrence of Arabia feel. Some plot stuff seemed a bit thrown in. Plot was maybe a bit too involved.
Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover
Another book one I guess of a series that may be a long while before another book comes out. Parallel worlds, one is a typical fantasy fiction world, the other is a futuristic dystopia. Started and quit long ago as didn't care for the futuritic dytopia. Didn't like the lingo that was used especially. Or the extent to which the hero is in love. But it gets better. Almost gets very good. I guess not as good as Bloodsong. The characters aren't as complex. But really quite good. Surprised to find these two books. Perhaps there are more still... Really dismissed this one before. The plot is too involved in this one I think. Too many holes as a result. Was expecting him to overthrow the futuristic dystopia, which he did not. He's kind of dumb about that.
These are ultimately two books about tough guys, guys who never lose fights. I find such stories enjoyable. Oh well.
Really enjoyed reading these two books. They were page turners for me. Read them during vacation. Most of each during the long drives. On drive home I wrecked the car early on and J refused to let me drive the rest of the way. LOL! So I got to really sit back and enjoy this book on the way home. Wonderful way to stand a 9 hour or so drive (with traffic).
Bloodsong by Anthony Ryan
Originally self-published yet a great book. Hero with an ace. Faces some injustice but not really all that much. Being in the 6th order where you might die I guess is a sort of injustice. The king who is holding people he cares about basically hostage is a sort. Nice long book. Unfortunately book one of a series that may take a while to be finished. something Al Sorna. Almost arabic names? Plus arabic-like religious intolerance. Their own "faith" though is strangely very vague. Why they question it so little doesn't quite make sense. The ending in the desert had a Lawrence of Arabia feel. Some plot stuff seemed a bit thrown in. Plot was maybe a bit too involved.
Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover
Another book one I guess of a series that may be a long while before another book comes out. Parallel worlds, one is a typical fantasy fiction world, the other is a futuristic dystopia. Started and quit long ago as didn't care for the futuritic dytopia. Didn't like the lingo that was used especially. Or the extent to which the hero is in love. But it gets better. Almost gets very good. I guess not as good as Bloodsong. The characters aren't as complex. But really quite good. Surprised to find these two books. Perhaps there are more still... Really dismissed this one before. The plot is too involved in this one I think. Too many holes as a result. Was expecting him to overthrow the futuristic dystopia, which he did not. He's kind of dumb about that.
These are ultimately two books about tough guys, guys who never lose fights. I find such stories enjoyable. Oh well.
Really enjoyed reading these two books. They were page turners for me. Read them during vacation. Most of each during the long drives. On drive home I wrecked the car early on and J refused to let me drive the rest of the way. LOL! So I got to really sit back and enjoy this book on the way home. Wonderful way to stand a 9 hour or so drive (with traffic).
Monday, July 15, 2013
My drill instructor was shaped like Olive Oil but with red hair and freckles. Lots of ugly flirting with the male drill sergeants. Seemed really slutty. Lackland Air Force Base, Texas. Summertime. Basic Training. My boots didn't fit so great. Shortly before a big reviewing march where we had to salute and all this crap that we had spent a lot of time practicing for, Olive Oil asked all 40 or so of us if anyone had any blisters. Didn't ask if we didn't want to march or anything, just asked if anyone had blisters. Me and one other guy raised our hands. Result being that instead of doing this march, we were made to march twice as far to an infirmary along with two women who also had blisters. We had to march in step the whole way, just the 4 of us. We got there and whoever it was sneered at us and didn't even give me a bandaid which was all I had been hoping for in the first place. On the way back the other guy started pratically speed walking. The two finally complained they couldn't keep up. I asked him to slow down. He refused. Didn't give a shit that he was making things miserable for the two women. Finally let him speed off on his own. Stupid prick.
J says this is a valuable lesson. Don't tell your military superior that you have a blister. 25 years later I still don't get it. To me it's just some random banal example of the pointless stupidity all around me. I was thinking that I could probably, or someone could anyway, manage to write this into a pretty entertaining story. Maybe like Charles Bukowski or for some reason Faulkner comes to mind. I seem to be happier when I've got stories floating around in my head. Fiction ones anyway. Real stories I've never cared to writer. Thought it would a good exercise. But I couldn't be bothered to write it up correctly. Don't have the time anyway.
That Olive Oil drill instructor was stupid, and kind of disgusting. Looked like a sex addict too. Probably into anal orgies and crap. Ugh. Fucking stupid and loved getting to yell and scream and treat people like shit. And she found the perfect job.
J says this is a valuable lesson. Don't tell your military superior that you have a blister. 25 years later I still don't get it. To me it's just some random banal example of the pointless stupidity all around me. I was thinking that I could probably, or someone could anyway, manage to write this into a pretty entertaining story. Maybe like Charles Bukowski or for some reason Faulkner comes to mind. I seem to be happier when I've got stories floating around in my head. Fiction ones anyway. Real stories I've never cared to writer. Thought it would a good exercise. But I couldn't be bothered to write it up correctly. Don't have the time anyway.
That Olive Oil drill instructor was stupid, and kind of disgusting. Looked like a sex addict too. Probably into anal orgies and crap. Ugh. Fucking stupid and loved getting to yell and scream and treat people like shit. And she found the perfect job.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Gene Wolfe's Claw of the Conciliator and Sword and Citadel, etc. First person and stays with one guy who is a stoic but things are a bit "psychedilic(sp)". Wolfe bothers me at times in his weirdness. This story just goes on and on. Severian is maybe a bit too stoic. Somehow worked better when Vance did it. This just seems wooden, even when Wolfe is saying he's in terror, etc, it always comes across a bit removed.
I have very little I care to say.... There is something about all the women that I think ultimately is how men generally really are about all the women of their lives. Never seen it put in a story.
A big negative is that there isn't much pushing things along. Severian isn't looking for revenge or justice. He's mostly just wandering. Taking the Claw to the Pelerines, running away where he refused to torture or kill someone. Then what the heck? Might as well join the army. It's a tad bit aimless.
But at times it's beautiful. The world, where there actually is a very high level of technology. But most, including Severian, live in such ignorance.
Very dreamy sequences. Just a bit too unattached. You know Severian is going to be fine. Unlike GoT of course... But somehow unlike Fitz Chivalry, who although you figure he'll live, you really don't know that he'll be OK. But Severian is such a stoic, one thinks he could spend a decade being tortured and it wouldn't really matter to him. And this detracts somehow, unlike with Vance. Perhaps if this stoic wasn't mostly wandering aimlessly.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Do all french people write like Proust? He makes it sound not so bad, being locked in. Great. Not what I would write about in that situation.
The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson
I guess this was OK. Keeps your interest throughout. A page turner I guess. No lasting impression though.
I have very little I care to say.... There is something about all the women that I think ultimately is how men generally really are about all the women of their lives. Never seen it put in a story.
A big negative is that there isn't much pushing things along. Severian isn't looking for revenge or justice. He's mostly just wandering. Taking the Claw to the Pelerines, running away where he refused to torture or kill someone. Then what the heck? Might as well join the army. It's a tad bit aimless.
But at times it's beautiful. The world, where there actually is a very high level of technology. But most, including Severian, live in such ignorance.
Very dreamy sequences. Just a bit too unattached. You know Severian is going to be fine. Unlike GoT of course... But somehow unlike Fitz Chivalry, who although you figure he'll live, you really don't know that he'll be OK. But Severian is such a stoic, one thinks he could spend a decade being tortured and it wouldn't really matter to him. And this detracts somehow, unlike with Vance. Perhaps if this stoic wasn't mostly wandering aimlessly.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Do all french people write like Proust? He makes it sound not so bad, being locked in. Great. Not what I would write about in that situation.
The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson
I guess this was OK. Keeps your interest throughout. A page turner I guess. No lasting impression though.
I still remember it so clearly. Or I should say I have an impression seared into my head based off of an event. It was Los Alamos, New Mexico. It was the evening. It was dark. I think before my beloved J came to be with me. What year was it?
2002 I think.
I was going for a very long run once every 4 days. Quite slow and working up to two plus hours. I don't think I even stuck with it for 2 months. I remember an evening where the running felt so good. Just gliding along. I remember going up an incline on practically the only main road in that rather sad "town". Then down. Then the golf course on my left as I went out towards the suburbs that eventually hit just cliffs. I remember a strong manure smell.
Such a strong memory. To run at night, and perhaps when young, can feel so good. Of course sooner or later there will be a dog, or worse. Back then on these every 4 days long runs, I took a different course every time. And unfortunately that day's run I hit a hill that just kept going up and up a good 6 miles out from home. This was back when I landed on the front of my foot. And after a mile straight of hill, my calves were done. In a mile I went from feeling great to my calves being utterly done. And I was still so far from home. The misery killed my every 4 days long run. Occasionally I wonder how good a runner I might be now if I had stuck with it.
Oh well.
Anyway, for the first time since then I'm going to do something somewhat similar. In the last 9 months my running has only declined a bit. The last I was doing well, I was doing a 10 to 12 mile run on both weekend days. Then an additional 2 runs during the week. With just 10 to 20% fast running. I quit it from boredom and just trying to find a shortcut. Surely I could at least run a 19 minute 5k without those long runs?
But no, I cannot.
This time though I won't lose both my weekend mornings. Will completely sacrifice, I think my Thursday evenings instead, along with Sunday mornings. Shall try a 3 hour run each time. The one on the treadmill with movies. Not too bad surely?
Bannister supposedly never did any tempo runs or long runs in reaching a 4 minute mile. But people suspect he was lying and actually sneaked some tempo runs in, late at night. Which is to say there's nothing for it but that you really have to put in a lot of time, to get anywhere. That has been my experience with everything in life.
2002 I think.
I was going for a very long run once every 4 days. Quite slow and working up to two plus hours. I don't think I even stuck with it for 2 months. I remember an evening where the running felt so good. Just gliding along. I remember going up an incline on practically the only main road in that rather sad "town". Then down. Then the golf course on my left as I went out towards the suburbs that eventually hit just cliffs. I remember a strong manure smell.
Such a strong memory. To run at night, and perhaps when young, can feel so good. Of course sooner or later there will be a dog, or worse. Back then on these every 4 days long runs, I took a different course every time. And unfortunately that day's run I hit a hill that just kept going up and up a good 6 miles out from home. This was back when I landed on the front of my foot. And after a mile straight of hill, my calves were done. In a mile I went from feeling great to my calves being utterly done. And I was still so far from home. The misery killed my every 4 days long run. Occasionally I wonder how good a runner I might be now if I had stuck with it.
Oh well.
Anyway, for the first time since then I'm going to do something somewhat similar. In the last 9 months my running has only declined a bit. The last I was doing well, I was doing a 10 to 12 mile run on both weekend days. Then an additional 2 runs during the week. With just 10 to 20% fast running. I quit it from boredom and just trying to find a shortcut. Surely I could at least run a 19 minute 5k without those long runs?
But no, I cannot.
This time though I won't lose both my weekend mornings. Will completely sacrifice, I think my Thursday evenings instead, along with Sunday mornings. Shall try a 3 hour run each time. The one on the treadmill with movies. Not too bad surely?
Bannister supposedly never did any tempo runs or long runs in reaching a 4 minute mile. But people suspect he was lying and actually sneaked some tempo runs in, late at night. Which is to say there's nothing for it but that you really have to put in a lot of time, to get anywhere. That has been my experience with everything in life.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Crash in Deckers half marathon. Had to walk 8 miles in. The heat played a role (90F) but also felt bad from the beginning. Hadn't done adequate long runs beforehand, I guess. But I think I really need cold weather if I'm trying to go all out for longer than 8 miles. Larger you are, the less efficient at dissipating heat. So that's one tiny little good thing about how cold it is much of the year here. Nothing longer than 10k from June to August in the future.
Recent training is intervals 4 days a week plus a tempo. (Two weeks so far.) 2 min hard, 3 min easy (5 mph). Last week did 9.3mph for a total run of 40 minutes. This week said what the hell and jumped up to 10mph. Just did 15 minutes. (Awful half marathon was yesterday.) I guess I could have gone 25 minutes. Maybe 30. Not sure if going up to 10mph is too ambitious though. Whatever. Disgusted with yesterday. But should be happy that my knees, etc are good.
The first 4 miles I went 7:45 pace but was feeling pretty bad. So slowed down to about a pitiful 8:30 pace for the next 4. Which means I did the first 8 slower than the relatively easy 8 miles I did last week on a flat course. And at that point I had to stop and walk. Then it was just a matter of getting to the car without J getting too worried. Which unfortunately meant 5 more miles of stumbling along or walking. Ripped bib off short of finish and threw it in the trash 20 yards short of finish and walked off course.
Recent training is intervals 4 days a week plus a tempo. (Two weeks so far.) 2 min hard, 3 min easy (5 mph). Last week did 9.3mph for a total run of 40 minutes. This week said what the hell and jumped up to 10mph. Just did 15 minutes. (Awful half marathon was yesterday.) I guess I could have gone 25 minutes. Maybe 30. Not sure if going up to 10mph is too ambitious though. Whatever. Disgusted with yesterday. But should be happy that my knees, etc are good.
The first 4 miles I went 7:45 pace but was feeling pretty bad. So slowed down to about a pitiful 8:30 pace for the next 4. Which means I did the first 8 slower than the relatively easy 8 miles I did last week on a flat course. And at that point I had to stop and walk. Then it was just a matter of getting to the car without J getting too worried. Which unfortunately meant 5 more miles of stumbling along or walking. Ripped bib off short of finish and threw it in the trash 20 yards short of finish and walked off course.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
To my great shame I must admit that we ate daffodils and grass. Like cattle. To be capable of such was a thing to be hidden. Yet it was that or starve. How I worried I might start liking it too much. Day after day. We could kill nothing the creatures easily outran us. Or quickly flew away.
A single day would be one thing. But this continued on for weeks. Till I feared to look upon my visage in the still waters of the occasional pond or small lake we would pass.
You must understand that I did not wish to become complacent. That was the great enemy. Complacent and happy in dystopia. Never. So then we finally sat outside the castle walls and I dumbly cut my arms, feeling nothing much. I tried to remember the evil god and it seemed funny. I tried to remember the dying and it was a sweet melancholy.
I wandered over to Zander, the only one who continued forth across plain. "I think we're in a trouble."
"We need meat perhaps?"
I could barely take in the thought. But yes, that must be it! We remember how to make a trap and did so and captured a creature. Killing was horrible and awkward. Eating worse. Then we laid there in a vague disquiet. Slowly into a sleep filled with dark visions, and awaking with our purpose renewed. I was I once again. The dark lord would pay, no pain, no anything would stop my revenge. Fiercely proud we strode forth to the beginning of the castle defenses.
A single day would be one thing. But this continued on for weeks. Till I feared to look upon my visage in the still waters of the occasional pond or small lake we would pass.
You must understand that I did not wish to become complacent. That was the great enemy. Complacent and happy in dystopia. Never. So then we finally sat outside the castle walls and I dumbly cut my arms, feeling nothing much. I tried to remember the evil god and it seemed funny. I tried to remember the dying and it was a sweet melancholy.
I wandered over to Zander, the only one who continued forth across plain. "I think we're in a trouble."
"We need meat perhaps?"
I could barely take in the thought. But yes, that must be it! We remember how to make a trap and did so and captured a creature. Killing was horrible and awkward. Eating worse. Then we laid there in a vague disquiet. Slowly into a sleep filled with dark visions, and awaking with our purpose renewed. I was I once again. The dark lord would pay, no pain, no anything would stop my revenge. Fiercely proud we strode forth to the beginning of the castle defenses.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
"What are you transgressions?"
"I strive for too much. At heart I'm a revolutionary."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change this world." he said with softness.
"But it means having such a high self opinion. It can't not mean it. To believe changing the world is possible, one must believe that they are special enough to change the world. Even as they clearly are not."
"And how do you know that you are clearly not?"
"You mean other than the fact that I've failed? I haven't succeeded at much of anything in this life."
"You never cared to succeed at the trifles that matter to some."
I lay upon the ground staring at the brilliant moon as he stood above me and continued.
"You have been right throughout, and beaten down by those, who disagree, who prefer meaningless trifles now, who assimilate without question. They see you and it reminds them subconsciously of what they are. No matter how well you treat them, they will always feel malevolence for you."
He shrugged and smiled at me and held out his hand. "Have a cigar."
I snorted. "Oh. No thanks."
I swear I could literally see the moon moving across the sky. Was it possible? A million beautiful nights containing endless people like this had passed through time. I jumped forth to catch it but was a moment behind. I tried again, still a bit off. Rewind...
I awoke afraid to move, worried of discovering insects nestled with me in my blanket. I gathered myself and shot up flinging the blanket from me, spinning round and dusting and brushing myself all over. Fergal chuckled.
"I trust you slept well? Full of energy this morning."
"Yes. Yes I did. And not a single insect if I dare say...."
"Oh you should have seen the huge one I brushed off you while you were still sleeping." Fergal said with a smile, possibly kidding, maybe not.
Broun sat staring at the ground. "You should meditate on how disgusting the human body is. If anything an exoskeleton is possibly less disgusting."
"Where are the others?" I asked him.
"All long awake but you and off washing."
I jogged to the creek and splashed water on my face. I remembered a forever of repetitive awakenings to another workday in the far past. Life was finally once again new and different. Awakening outside now, I should learn to stand the insects. It was otherwise wonderful. Would it ever get as old as what had come before? I remembered awakening alone, in the dark, by an alarm clock, day after day, year after year. Never time to waste. Usually with a vague apprehension for what the day held. Here I had already cheated death and I was not alone. It was The Escape to neverwhere. A place that either doesn't exist anywhere or could easily exist almost everywhere. The place without fear. The place with hope and mystery for what the future may hold.
"I strive for too much. At heart I'm a revolutionary."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change this world." he said with softness.
"But it means having such a high self opinion. It can't not mean it. To believe changing the world is possible, one must believe that they are special enough to change the world. Even as they clearly are not."
"And how do you know that you are clearly not?"
"You mean other than the fact that I've failed? I haven't succeeded at much of anything in this life."
"You never cared to succeed at the trifles that matter to some."
I lay upon the ground staring at the brilliant moon as he stood above me and continued.
"You have been right throughout, and beaten down by those, who disagree, who prefer meaningless trifles now, who assimilate without question. They see you and it reminds them subconsciously of what they are. No matter how well you treat them, they will always feel malevolence for you."
He shrugged and smiled at me and held out his hand. "Have a cigar."
I snorted. "Oh. No thanks."
I swear I could literally see the moon moving across the sky. Was it possible? A million beautiful nights containing endless people like this had passed through time. I jumped forth to catch it but was a moment behind. I tried again, still a bit off. Rewind...
I awoke afraid to move, worried of discovering insects nestled with me in my blanket. I gathered myself and shot up flinging the blanket from me, spinning round and dusting and brushing myself all over. Fergal chuckled.
"I trust you slept well? Full of energy this morning."
"Yes. Yes I did. And not a single insect if I dare say...."
"Oh you should have seen the huge one I brushed off you while you were still sleeping." Fergal said with a smile, possibly kidding, maybe not.
Broun sat staring at the ground. "You should meditate on how disgusting the human body is. If anything an exoskeleton is possibly less disgusting."
"Where are the others?" I asked him.
"All long awake but you and off washing."
I jogged to the creek and splashed water on my face. I remembered a forever of repetitive awakenings to another workday in the far past. Life was finally once again new and different. Awakening outside now, I should learn to stand the insects. It was otherwise wonderful. Would it ever get as old as what had come before? I remembered awakening alone, in the dark, by an alarm clock, day after day, year after year. Never time to waste. Usually with a vague apprehension for what the day held. Here I had already cheated death and I was not alone. It was The Escape to neverwhere. A place that either doesn't exist anywhere or could easily exist almost everywhere. The place without fear. The place with hope and mystery for what the future may hold.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Ran a 5k a few weeks back in a dismal 22:30. Last year at that time I did one in 21:40. I am ten pounds heavier this year. This one was hilly. Last year it was really only 3 miles, this year I forgot my garmin. My knee has reduced my weekly mileage, etc. Last year I did omega male training (which is huge). But still that's just going the wrong way, thinking I should change my training back to hard twice a week and otherwise very easy or elliptical. Did the elliptical two days in a row and then while feeling very lethargic from it did 4 miles at 7:36 pace yesterday. PR for that is like 7:18 pace. The elliptical seems to bother my right knee. Trying to be careful.
Have a half marathon in less than a month. It would be nice to get in a 8 mile run at under 8 minute pace in the next couple weeks. I've done it before. Might manage it.... If so, it would suggest a good improvement in this half.
----
Lately everything feels old. Having trouble enjoying my diversions. Having trouble holding on to my myopia. Everything lately. Also worried about work as all the stroke doctors and researchers are leaving. Could lose my job.
Have a half marathon in less than a month. It would be nice to get in a 8 mile run at under 8 minute pace in the next couple weeks. I've done it before. Might manage it.... If so, it would suggest a good improvement in this half.
----
Lately everything feels old. Having trouble enjoying my diversions. Having trouble holding on to my myopia. Everything lately. Also worried about work as all the stroke doctors and researchers are leaving. Could lose my job.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Recently I added some flat running on the treadmill to try to be a bit better at downhill running. Did 2 miles at 2.5%, 2 flat, 2 at 2.5% and 2 flat. While keeping HR below 170 I did 8 miles in 73:12. Which was a great run. Since then I've tried to do an 8 miler every other day and I've not done as well. Not sure why. Today did 4 miles flat in 35 minutes. HR crept just above 170 at end although it felt very easy. Not breathing hard, felt good. But then crash and burn on last 4 at 2.5% incline.
Sep 28 2011 I did 8 miles in 74:02 and while gasping for breath. That was intervals though. That's all I did then. 6 mile continous time was 50:30 at that time. Hugely different and not much different. Somewhere around in there I did 4 miles in 34:30 I recall. I can do that at least on a treadmill now without even breathing hard.
Sep 28 2011 I did 8 miles in 74:02 and while gasping for breath. That was intervals though. That's all I did then. 6 mile continous time was 50:30 at that time. Hugely different and not much different. Somewhere around in there I did 4 miles in 34:30 I recall. I can do that at least on a treadmill now without even breathing hard.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Danse Society had the "quintessential 80's feel" to me. At least that one album with Heaven is Waiting on it.
Three high schools each with 1000 people. Rivalries. And a huge place where they all went to dance and stuff and listen to cool 80's music.
He had only one arm and wanted to be a great basketball player. He would practice and practice. Train and train. In secret of course. Because it was ridiculous. And he knew it. But the dream made him happy. He would be a great shot blocker. Leaping drills. Dreams of flying.
To school in early morning mist. His still wet hair partially freezing. The old barn in the forest where they skateboarded. Spyhunter at the 7-11. The roiders.
In his basement he would hit the punching bag with his one arm. A quick lean to the left and hard roundhouses. The key though was to be able to punch in rapid succession with his one arm. Jab, roundhouse, overhand, uppercut. But they'd always know it was coming from the left. He wore a toboggan and added head butts. The dumbasses made fun of him. How he wanted to get one of them alone. Out late at night, walking along.
A bit less country, more people walking, thus more life.
He was dismissed by so many but he would show them. Somehow. He'd impress her. Somehow. He only had one arm but he was still a man. Gosh darnit.
----
Into the radiation zone, the dead zone, the only place he would have any chance of not getting caught. Unfortunately he'd surely die, or so they said.... There he ate something that made him very sick. Far below the surface he laid curled in a ball in agony. Wanting to throw up. But it wouldn't come. So this was his death. It couldn't be.
He lay there and became calm in the pitch black. Was he seeing something or was his mind playing tricks on him? Shapes that flittered to and fro. He tried to watch them closely. He tried to be still so as not to scare them away.
Day after day he crept up for food, explored a bit and then otherwise quietly watched them.
Three high schools each with 1000 people. Rivalries. And a huge place where they all went to dance and stuff and listen to cool 80's music.
He had only one arm and wanted to be a great basketball player. He would practice and practice. Train and train. In secret of course. Because it was ridiculous. And he knew it. But the dream made him happy. He would be a great shot blocker. Leaping drills. Dreams of flying.
To school in early morning mist. His still wet hair partially freezing. The old barn in the forest where they skateboarded. Spyhunter at the 7-11. The roiders.
In his basement he would hit the punching bag with his one arm. A quick lean to the left and hard roundhouses. The key though was to be able to punch in rapid succession with his one arm. Jab, roundhouse, overhand, uppercut. But they'd always know it was coming from the left. He wore a toboggan and added head butts. The dumbasses made fun of him. How he wanted to get one of them alone. Out late at night, walking along.
A bit less country, more people walking, thus more life.
He was dismissed by so many but he would show them. Somehow. He'd impress her. Somehow. He only had one arm but he was still a man. Gosh darnit.
----
Into the radiation zone, the dead zone, the only place he would have any chance of not getting caught. Unfortunately he'd surely die, or so they said.... There he ate something that made him very sick. Far below the surface he laid curled in a ball in agony. Wanting to throw up. But it wouldn't come. So this was his death. It couldn't be.
He lay there and became calm in the pitch black. Was he seeing something or was his mind playing tricks on him? Shapes that flittered to and fro. He tried to watch them closely. He tried to be still so as not to scare them away.
Day after day he crept up for food, explored a bit and then otherwise quietly watched them.
Monday, March 25, 2013
I need a world that has beauty. That I'd like to actually go to. At the same time that it has strife....
Out and out dystopia is off the table, at least to start with... That, at least combined with fear of failure, makes incredibly dark dystopian stuff beyond me. Just don't want to go back to it day after day.
---
In the ruined abandoned remains of a once magnificent city a ghost sobs forever. Somehow tied to Worlock-SP.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone
That other relates back to SP's Glass Houses. The red plain. He must be doing something there. I suppose he's trying to not starve to death or get killed. He's not human. Anymore
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
---
All these ideas are so negative. Unhappiness may spark creativity. But it's just sparks. To actually get keep a fire going, it's exactly the wrong thing. Creativity must ultimately have something positive fueling it.
Out and out dystopia is off the table, at least to start with... That, at least combined with fear of failure, makes incredibly dark dystopian stuff beyond me. Just don't want to go back to it day after day.
---
In the ruined abandoned remains of a once magnificent city a ghost sobs forever. Somehow tied to Worlock-SP.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone
That other relates back to SP's Glass Houses. The red plain. He must be doing something there. I suppose he's trying to not starve to death or get killed. He's not human. Anymore
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
---
All these ideas are so negative. Unhappiness may spark creativity. But it's just sparks. To actually get keep a fire going, it's exactly the wrong thing. Creativity must ultimately have something positive fueling it.
I took two bites of a pecan tazzy last night. I think there must be peanuts lurking in there somehow. Got a migraine for the first time in months. I wonder if extremely hard runs make me more susceptible. Definitely did that yesterday for the first time in a while. Cooper's Rock 10K. Extremely hilly. Too hilly. Didn't care for that much up and down. Disliked the downhills as much even as they were too steep downhill. Might have to not do that one next year.
Being sick, I pulled out the Dark Crystal for close to the hundredth time. Tried to say the lines ahead of time. But still manage to miss so much. And hypothesize this is related to not being a writer really. That so much detail I don't remember. And why don't I remember it? Because I'm so critical. Because I don't just soak it all in. I critique constantly and reject stuff. Maybe maybe not.
"Another world, another time,.....
For the crystal cracked and a single shard was lost and strife ruled the land.
whimper, whimper, "I hate your whimper"
The skeksis with their....
They gather..... Today the ceremony brings no comfort. An emperor lies dying.
He is still alive. He is still emperor.
Bow! Down!
No! I'm still emperor. I'm.... I'm... I'm... Ahhh!
Chamberlain you should be emperor. Yes it's time to make my move!
It should be me! Chamberlain No! Stop! You can't!
Get back spit head!
I challenge. Trial by sword!
Hmmm trial sword!
Yes, me! The emperor! Now, bow down to me!
-----------------
I should have told you these things long ago and now there isn't time.
Jen, we may meet again in another world, but not in this one.
Wait, don't leave me.
Accept these gifts, accept them serenely.
Give strength to Jen's quest.
I can't do this! OK I will do this!
Hmmm, look like gelfling. But can't be gelfling! garthim kill them all. Are you gelfling!
Yes, I'm looking for Ogra.
...Are you afraid of me? Think Im going to eat you? Put him down. Boushay boushay.
Another world, another time. In the age of wonder. A 1000 years ago this land was green and good until the crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost. A shard of the crystal. Then strife began. And two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the crystal. The Skeksis took control.
Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies. Their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race, ruled by a dying emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today once more they gather at the crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the skeksis. As they ravage the land, so to they learn to draw new life from the sun. Today once more they will replenish themselves. Cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the dark crystal.
But today the ceremony of the sun gives no comfort. Today the emperor lies dying. Today a new emperor must seize the throne.
A thousand years ago the crystal cracked. And here far from the castle, the race of mystic came to live in a dream of peace. Their ways were the gentle ways of natural wizards. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race numbly rehearsing the ancient ways in a blur of forgetfullness. But today the ritual gives no comfort. Today the wisest of the mystics lies dying. Today they summon the one who must save them.
Ahhhh, AHHHHH, Ahhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhh, Ohhhhhh, Ahhhhhh, Ohhhh, Ummmmm, Ohhhhhhh.
Flute playing begins.
In the valley of the mystic their lives a gelflin Jen, The skeksis killed his family destroyed his clan. Only Jen survived to be raised by the wisest of the mystics. But there is a prophecy. A thousand years have past and now once more the world must go into a time of testing. Now it must be healed or pass forever into the rule of evil. At this time Jen is the chosen one. Today Jen's pipe gives no comfort for today his master lies dying. And a journey must begin. The journey of Jen.
Thunder and wind. Reoccuring theme song.
Master!? At the time when three suns meet.
Master what's wrong?
You are in danger Gelfling and I must leave you.
Leave me?
Master? No!
Gelfling I have told you of the Skeksis.
The Skeksis killed my mother and father.
The story runs deeper than you know and you are part of it.
I don't understand.
The skeksis will vow to destroy you for the prophecy says you must find the shard. The crystal shard.
The crystal shard?
To save our world you (DVD glitches....)
Being sick, I pulled out the Dark Crystal for close to the hundredth time. Tried to say the lines ahead of time. But still manage to miss so much. And hypothesize this is related to not being a writer really. That so much detail I don't remember. And why don't I remember it? Because I'm so critical. Because I don't just soak it all in. I critique constantly and reject stuff. Maybe maybe not.
"Another world, another time,.....
For the crystal cracked and a single shard was lost and strife ruled the land.
whimper, whimper, "I hate your whimper"
The skeksis with their....
They gather..... Today the ceremony brings no comfort. An emperor lies dying.
He is still alive. He is still emperor.
Bow! Down!
No! I'm still emperor. I'm.... I'm... I'm... Ahhh!
Chamberlain you should be emperor. Yes it's time to make my move!
It should be me! Chamberlain No! Stop! You can't!
Get back spit head!
I challenge. Trial by sword!
Hmmm trial sword!
Yes, me! The emperor! Now, bow down to me!
-----------------
I should have told you these things long ago and now there isn't time.
Jen, we may meet again in another world, but not in this one.
Wait, don't leave me.
Accept these gifts, accept them serenely.
Give strength to Jen's quest.
I can't do this! OK I will do this!
Hmmm, look like gelfling. But can't be gelfling! garthim kill them all. Are you gelfling!
Yes, I'm looking for Ogra.
...Are you afraid of me? Think Im going to eat you? Put him down. Boushay boushay.
Another world, another time. In the age of wonder. A 1000 years ago this land was green and good until the crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost. A shard of the crystal. Then strife began. And two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the crystal. The Skeksis took control.
Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies. Their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race, ruled by a dying emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today once more they gather at the crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the skeksis. As they ravage the land, so to they learn to draw new life from the sun. Today once more they will replenish themselves. Cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the dark crystal.
But today the ceremony of the sun gives no comfort. Today the emperor lies dying. Today a new emperor must seize the throne.
A thousand years ago the crystal cracked. And here far from the castle, the race of mystic came to live in a dream of peace. Their ways were the gentle ways of natural wizards. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race numbly rehearsing the ancient ways in a blur of forgetfullness. But today the ritual gives no comfort. Today the wisest of the mystics lies dying. Today they summon the one who must save them.
Ahhhh, AHHHHH, Ahhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhh, Ohhhhhh, Ahhhhhh, Ohhhh, Ummmmm, Ohhhhhhh.
Flute playing begins.
In the valley of the mystic their lives a gelflin Jen, The skeksis killed his family destroyed his clan. Only Jen survived to be raised by the wisest of the mystics. But there is a prophecy. A thousand years have past and now once more the world must go into a time of testing. Now it must be healed or pass forever into the rule of evil. At this time Jen is the chosen one. Today Jen's pipe gives no comfort for today his master lies dying. And a journey must begin. The journey of Jen.
Thunder and wind. Reoccuring theme song.
Master!? At the time when three suns meet.
Master what's wrong?
You are in danger Gelfling and I must leave you.
Leave me?
Master? No!
Gelfling I have told you of the Skeksis.
The Skeksis killed my mother and father.
The story runs deeper than you know and you are part of it.
I don't understand.
The skeksis will vow to destroy you for the prophecy says you must find the shard. The crystal shard.
The crystal shard?
To save our world you (DVD glitches....)
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Cried and cried while finishing Shardik. It was wonderful. I love crying at make believe.
The Stars My Destination is supposedly a top ten all time in sci-fi. I was not impressed. Excepting Vance, who doesn't count, I don't think sci-fi has ever really moved me.
In other news have my first race of the year tomorrow. My knee doesn't hurt. But it's not right. I doubt I'll break 8 minute pace tomorrow for this 10k but it will be a celebration of (more or less) good health. Have only been running 15 to 20 miles a week and not very fast. It doesn't hurt but it's not right and if I pushed it I know it would get worse. Might have to try forefoot running.
Today it was 50 outside and not supposed to get really cold next few days. Never have I wanted spring more. Ordered a cold hardy fig tree. Planted grapevines recently. Fish are starting to eat, even the koy a bit. The goldfish will eat whenever there's no ice.
In retrospect I killed a few trees not understanding that if the soil is hard clay with awful drainage, it's no good at all to dig a hole and use good soil in the hole. Just turns into a small pond and the roots rot. Have to use raised beds. Killed two trees this way. A third one I think will eventually die from deer antlers. The deer even eat the bamboo leaves.
Still there is D and S. How strange that is...
Things can stretch I think.
Played Handel's Largo today. The tune can't seem to stay in my head. It's just very different somehow. Want it to become ingrained. Not sure what it is about it.
The Stars My Destination is supposedly a top ten all time in sci-fi. I was not impressed. Excepting Vance, who doesn't count, I don't think sci-fi has ever really moved me.
In other news have my first race of the year tomorrow. My knee doesn't hurt. But it's not right. I doubt I'll break 8 minute pace tomorrow for this 10k but it will be a celebration of (more or less) good health. Have only been running 15 to 20 miles a week and not very fast. It doesn't hurt but it's not right and if I pushed it I know it would get worse. Might have to try forefoot running.
Today it was 50 outside and not supposed to get really cold next few days. Never have I wanted spring more. Ordered a cold hardy fig tree. Planted grapevines recently. Fish are starting to eat, even the koy a bit. The goldfish will eat whenever there's no ice.
In retrospect I killed a few trees not understanding that if the soil is hard clay with awful drainage, it's no good at all to dig a hole and use good soil in the hole. Just turns into a small pond and the roots rot. Have to use raised beds. Killed two trees this way. A third one I think will eventually die from deer antlers. The deer even eat the bamboo leaves.
Still there is D and S. How strange that is...
Things can stretch I think.
Played Handel's Largo today. The tune can't seem to stay in my head. It's just very different somehow. Want it to become ingrained. Not sure what it is about it.
Monday, March 4, 2013
"Who are you? Are you on Plantain?"
Late in the night a dream. A person trying to survive who is on the edge.... The next night another dream about the same person. The next day I take a short nap at lunchtime and she tells me
What are the "afflictions"? Constantly seeing the suffering. The death all around. The desolation and emptiness. Seeing the lizard brain beneath. Elfin amongst the orcs. Socialist vegan amongst the capitalist omni's. Is that both of their afflictions? That they are remnants of a dying race mixed in amongst a vile species? Half orcs whom were the products of rape. The half orcs raped again until there is nothing left of the original race except some orcs with a bit of their ancestry.
But whatever. They see. Why are the miserable? And how miserable? Alone. Consumed with the sense of wrongness around them. (Smothered Hope-SP-everybody knows it's wrong) I suppose primarily about food.
Orc society. Factory farming descriptions.
He sees into their minds. Locked in small enclosures. Standing in their own shit. Fed food that makes their stomach ache. Down an assembly line one by one to their deaths. They're bipedal and sentient.
Every meal has meat in it. The baby is killed, the mother is locked in a small chamber and her milk is taken. The baby is cooked in her milk. Every meal they eat it. Grease seeps from the pores of their skin constantly. The alpha males have sex with about 4 women on average while the other men take turns with prostitutes, hoping they'll one day become an alpha.
No male may be with a "respectable" woman alone. Because what could occur but sex?
Yesmen surround those with power. Fear is constant. Those who fear let off steam by making others fear. Fun is about the shit rolling down hill. Fun is abusing a prostitute. Fun is rape. They really want it anyway. Otherwise there is a steady supply of alcohol, gambling, blood sport. No one reads. Virtually no one makes music. Cept maybe some simplistic rap.
Dystopia. Stuck in it. That is a misery. Not the only one. But a good one, I suppose.
One needn't overdo dytopia though. Need not be orcs and constant rape. Reality can work fine for a "properly sensitive" mind.
And such a mind, sensitive enough to eventually develop a telepathic link, such a level of dystopia may be a bit much.
Nah, it's fine.
This setting must be told within a plot. And personally I dislike when characters dreams are shared in a story. Does the sensitivity only float to the top while sleeping? What is he thinking while awake? His actions must conform in order to survive. How do we know how miserable he is in such a world? What can we show? His revulsion at the food. His refusal to take part in the rape. His dislike of the bloodsports. He is made fun of for being so moopy and for being "weird". For not taking part in the usual fun. But ultimately left alone because, although not heavy, he is very large and fights well.
--
What are the bloodsports?
What creatures are eaten?
Prostitution is illegal. It can't be easily readily available. Because the non-alphas must have a carrot. A very very few women in trying to not starve to death will sell themselves for next to nothing. Often end up killed as a result. The vast majority of women are dressed in burkas. And sit at home. Their opinions silenced. These few women have angered some alpha and been kicked out. They rarely survive for long. Officially rape is wrong. But generally if alone, even policemen will rape. Everyone is lying. They all pretend to something.
Rape is wrong. But rampantly committed always because she really wanted it. A woman alone? She wanted it. But if rape is that rampant then no need for prostitution and is their sufficient carrot to become an alpha male?????
This absurdity is the stuff for better or worse.
----
But is this beautiful? Is there anything about all this that would make me personally want to come back to it day after day as I try to write it?
No!!!
Not remotely. There is nothing positive here.
And that of course, is the problem with dystopia. It's not just somehow making it readable. It's even personally being able to stand spending so much time there one's self.
I need a world that has beauty. That I'd like to actually go to. At the same time that it has strife....
Late in the night a dream. A person trying to survive who is on the edge.... The next night another dream about the same person. The next day I take a short nap at lunchtime and she tells me
What are the "afflictions"? Constantly seeing the suffering. The death all around. The desolation and emptiness. Seeing the lizard brain beneath. Elfin amongst the orcs. Socialist vegan amongst the capitalist omni's. Is that both of their afflictions? That they are remnants of a dying race mixed in amongst a vile species? Half orcs whom were the products of rape. The half orcs raped again until there is nothing left of the original race except some orcs with a bit of their ancestry.
But whatever. They see. Why are the miserable? And how miserable? Alone. Consumed with the sense of wrongness around them. (Smothered Hope-SP-everybody knows it's wrong) I suppose primarily about food.
Orc society. Factory farming descriptions.
He sees into their minds. Locked in small enclosures. Standing in their own shit. Fed food that makes their stomach ache. Down an assembly line one by one to their deaths. They're bipedal and sentient.
Every meal has meat in it. The baby is killed, the mother is locked in a small chamber and her milk is taken. The baby is cooked in her milk. Every meal they eat it. Grease seeps from the pores of their skin constantly. The alpha males have sex with about 4 women on average while the other men take turns with prostitutes, hoping they'll one day become an alpha.
No male may be with a "respectable" woman alone. Because what could occur but sex?
Yesmen surround those with power. Fear is constant. Those who fear let off steam by making others fear. Fun is about the shit rolling down hill. Fun is abusing a prostitute. Fun is rape. They really want it anyway. Otherwise there is a steady supply of alcohol, gambling, blood sport. No one reads. Virtually no one makes music. Cept maybe some simplistic rap.
Dystopia. Stuck in it. That is a misery. Not the only one. But a good one, I suppose.
One needn't overdo dytopia though. Need not be orcs and constant rape. Reality can work fine for a "properly sensitive" mind.
And such a mind, sensitive enough to eventually develop a telepathic link, such a level of dystopia may be a bit much.
Nah, it's fine.
This setting must be told within a plot. And personally I dislike when characters dreams are shared in a story. Does the sensitivity only float to the top while sleeping? What is he thinking while awake? His actions must conform in order to survive. How do we know how miserable he is in such a world? What can we show? His revulsion at the food. His refusal to take part in the rape. His dislike of the bloodsports. He is made fun of for being so moopy and for being "weird". For not taking part in the usual fun. But ultimately left alone because, although not heavy, he is very large and fights well.
--
What are the bloodsports?
What creatures are eaten?
Prostitution is illegal. It can't be easily readily available. Because the non-alphas must have a carrot. A very very few women in trying to not starve to death will sell themselves for next to nothing. Often end up killed as a result. The vast majority of women are dressed in burkas. And sit at home. Their opinions silenced. These few women have angered some alpha and been kicked out. They rarely survive for long. Officially rape is wrong. But generally if alone, even policemen will rape. Everyone is lying. They all pretend to something.
Rape is wrong. But rampantly committed always because she really wanted it. A woman alone? She wanted it. But if rape is that rampant then no need for prostitution and is their sufficient carrot to become an alpha male?????
This absurdity is the stuff for better or worse.
----
But is this beautiful? Is there anything about all this that would make me personally want to come back to it day after day as I try to write it?
No!!!
Not remotely. There is nothing positive here.
And that of course, is the problem with dystopia. It's not just somehow making it readable. It's even personally being able to stand spending so much time there one's self.
I need a world that has beauty. That I'd like to actually go to. At the same time that it has strife....
In the ruined abandoned remains of a once magnificent city a ghost sobs forever. Somehow tied to Worlock-SP.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone
That other relates back to SP's Glass Houses. The red plain. He must be doing something there. I suppose he's trying to not starve to death or get killed. He's not human. Anymore
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
----
Taking break from running as right knee just isn't right. Really wonder if I tore a ligament long ago. But perhaps I've increased my mileage too much considering running for only a few years and being a big guy. I fear the lack of an adequate diversion.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone
That other relates back to SP's Glass Houses. The red plain. He must be doing something there. I suppose he's trying to not starve to death or get killed. He's not human. Anymore
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
----
Taking break from running as right knee just isn't right. Really wonder if I tore a ligament long ago. But perhaps I've increased my mileage too much considering running for only a few years and being a big guy. I fear the lack of an adequate diversion.
Monday, February 25, 2013
This creature that likes to cheer people up. Strangely finds moppy so attractive and interesting, (within reason). What of happy people? Oh that's OK. What of a moppy person that it successfully makes happy.
More trustworthy than a dog. Maybe it is a dog.
A cigar floating in space.
I meant to do that!
Did you do it on purpose?
I'm not sure. What does that word mean?
You walk into the party and you find whoever is sitting alone because they're shy or whatever. And you go start up a conversation with that person, with no concern personal concerns. No worries about what would make you personally happy. Except that you couldn't have fun if one person there clearly wasn't.
You spend your life like this, unrecognized and eventually thrown away like a chunk of rotting meat. The beautiful dreams in your head never understood. Never possible because the morlocks don't want paradise, they want cheeseburgers and reality TV.
Physically feel really good today. Unusually good. Think the 150's HR is hard enough that the endorphin production goes up without being so hard that it gets overridden by exhaustion.
More trustworthy than a dog. Maybe it is a dog.
A cigar floating in space.
I meant to do that!
Did you do it on purpose?
I'm not sure. What does that word mean?
You walk into the party and you find whoever is sitting alone because they're shy or whatever. And you go start up a conversation with that person, with no concern personal concerns. No worries about what would make you personally happy. Except that you couldn't have fun if one person there clearly wasn't.
You spend your life like this, unrecognized and eventually thrown away like a chunk of rotting meat. The beautiful dreams in your head never understood. Never possible because the morlocks don't want paradise, they want cheeseburgers and reality TV.
Physically feel really good today. Unusually good. Think the 150's HR is hard enough that the endorphin production goes up without being so hard that it gets overridden by exhaustion.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Just a piece of meat. Practically not even really here. Soon enough won't be. Miss my wife. She is so good at keeping me preoccupied.
Such unspeakable things happened long ago, that I think it left me desiring closer connections than.... I don't know.... I have anyway. I have my wife. I want more.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone else. And possibly the other person is in a similar situation. Or is just thoughtful enough to want such a connection? Does anyone else desire such close connections?
Perhaps that lady from Orkney did in a sort of way. Maybe. I don't know. Too bad about all those drugs.
In the story it is like telepathy, perhaps just late at night, for some small time period, or I don't know, while on the edge of sleep.
Closer connections than perhaps anyone has. Women are closer to one another. It's their specialization to stop the tribe from disintegrating. So they yammer on and on about this and that. I don't think they do exactly what it is I want. (And I want it less than I did. Gradually less, with some waxing and waning. Waxing at the moment.) They talk about useless stuff far too much. Instead of the "big stuff" going on about some long story with all kinds of minutae(sp) of detail that just doesn't matter.
Still. Still it can be nice, to listen to them yammer on. Just listen to the pretty sounds, while only barely paying attention. My office mate going on and on about paying taxes for example. I enjoy her very much. Feel very very lucky to share an office with her.
-----
Got my fig tree and grapevines. Put fig tree by metal halide light. Put vines outside, dug in temporarily. Won't be surprised if they die. Then I'll just buy more.
-----
Maffetone is wrong in that you can't ignore variations in max heart rate. My MHR is 20 beats higher than aaverage for my age. Not only is his target of 130's too low. I'm pretty damm sure 140's is too low for me. And just look at him. Thick through the middle. Doesn't even look like he exercises. His example of a successful athlete is an ultra runner. Perhaps if running far beyond 100 mpw, combined with having a typical MHR, while not needing any speed for your competitions, than his ideas work OK. But otherwise no.
At 130's I was running well under 5mph. At 140's I was 5.4 to 5.0 usually. In the 150's I'm 6.3 for the first 30 minutes.
-----
I'm lonely. But there's no one out there. They don't exist. It's the last instant of "mankind". Soon though it will be spring.
-----
Grave of the Fireflies was not as good as The Plague Dogs. Nowhere near as depressing. Kind of sentimental IMO. And meh, just not all that. But still good.
Such unspeakable things happened long ago, that I think it left me desiring closer connections than.... I don't know.... I have anyway. I have my wife. I want more.
Had this story idea of person like in a concentration camp or something torturous who somehow develops some strange possibly pyschic connections with someone else. And possibly the other person is in a similar situation. Or is just thoughtful enough to want such a connection? Does anyone else desire such close connections?
Perhaps that lady from Orkney did in a sort of way. Maybe. I don't know. Too bad about all those drugs.
In the story it is like telepathy, perhaps just late at night, for some small time period, or I don't know, while on the edge of sleep.
Closer connections than perhaps anyone has. Women are closer to one another. It's their specialization to stop the tribe from disintegrating. So they yammer on and on about this and that. I don't think they do exactly what it is I want. (And I want it less than I did. Gradually less, with some waxing and waning. Waxing at the moment.) They talk about useless stuff far too much. Instead of the "big stuff" going on about some long story with all kinds of minutae(sp) of detail that just doesn't matter.
Still. Still it can be nice, to listen to them yammer on. Just listen to the pretty sounds, while only barely paying attention. My office mate going on and on about paying taxes for example. I enjoy her very much. Feel very very lucky to share an office with her.
-----
Got my fig tree and grapevines. Put fig tree by metal halide light. Put vines outside, dug in temporarily. Won't be surprised if they die. Then I'll just buy more.
-----
Maffetone is wrong in that you can't ignore variations in max heart rate. My MHR is 20 beats higher than aaverage for my age. Not only is his target of 130's too low. I'm pretty damm sure 140's is too low for me. And just look at him. Thick through the middle. Doesn't even look like he exercises. His example of a successful athlete is an ultra runner. Perhaps if running far beyond 100 mpw, combined with having a typical MHR, while not needing any speed for your competitions, than his ideas work OK. But otherwise no.
At 130's I was running well under 5mph. At 140's I was 5.4 to 5.0 usually. In the 150's I'm 6.3 for the first 30 minutes.
-----
I'm lonely. But there's no one out there. They don't exist. It's the last instant of "mankind". Soon though it will be spring.
-----
Grave of the Fireflies was not as good as The Plague Dogs. Nowhere near as depressing. Kind of sentimental IMO. And meh, just not all that. But still good.
Monday, February 18, 2013
That other relates back to SP's Glass Houses. The red plain. He must be doing something there. I suppose he's trying to not starve to death or get killed. He's not human. Anymore. But what is he? Must imagine the worst possible things. Giant spiders and so on. He was willing to do things to survive that most wouldn't do. Most wouldn't because there are worse things than death.
But for some reason, he feels he must continue no matter what. He imagines(?) a god that wants him dead.
Is this tied into the ghost that is trying to return?
But for some reason, he feels he must continue no matter what. He imagines(?) a god that wants him dead.
Is this tied into the ghost that is trying to return?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I liked The Light is the Darkness by Laird Barron. The hero is like Rourke's character from Sin City yet with a much greater ace up his sleeve. The Croning was good for the Lovecraftian horror although not much really happened. Felt very padded. The Occultation had some stories that I thought descended towards the Stephen King level. Which isn't my thing, haven't finished it.
Thomas Ligotti's Songs of a Dead Dreamer had one story that hit too close to home. Smart guy. But don't care for the style of it. May not finish it most likely.
Loved The Plague Dogs movie off youtube (based on Richard Adams story). That last scene is the invention of religion/mysticism IMO. Unfortunate to hear he also had an alternative happy ending. But whatever. How I cried. Need to read more of him. Never finished Maia.
Stories I want to write:
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
Damm, what was that other...............It has come and gone so many times.....
Thomas Ligotti's Songs of a Dead Dreamer had one story that hit too close to home. Smart guy. But don't care for the style of it. May not finish it most likely.
Loved The Plague Dogs movie off youtube (based on Richard Adams story). That last scene is the invention of religion/mysticism IMO. Unfortunate to hear he also had an alternative happy ending. But whatever. How I cried. Need to read more of him. Never finished Maia.
Stories I want to write:
A ghost, I suppose, invisible I guess. Such pain that like the chronic pain sufferers he's sort of zombiefied. And he's trying to return to the world. By some painstaking difficult process.
Damm, what was that other...............It has come and gone so many times.....
I suspect running for 9 or more hours a week may have a benefit far beyond running, thus trying to do so, though it's boring. Did 49 miles last week on treadmill. Not sure my knee will hold up. Trying to keep legs slightly bent yet still with a short stride. In around 2 weeks I seem to have improved about 0.5 mph. Did 5.4 mph for 58 minutes on Thursday (to begin with). Some days I take a step back, some days I really jump forward. Wonder how much slight dehydration plays a role in my heart rate.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
So I ran for two hours sat, sun, mon then 1 hour today. This with the HRM. On sat at 140 or lower. Since then at 150 or lower, as my MHR is 200 as opposed to the average of 180 for my age. So far seems I've only gotten worse. On mon ended all the way down at 3.8mph. Today only did an hour and right at the end had to slow down to 4.6, which is worse than I was doing a week ago, although still did 4.9 miles in a hour. So, OK, shall do this for a month at the very very least. Probably longer. Ultimately all that mileage has got to do something, right? Right?
Under 150 is so easy I could run for two hours everyday, if I wasn't married.
Certainly a great way to kill time. At 6'5", despite being near vegan, I'm surely halfway to nowhere, and the last two years have certainly gone by much more smoothly.
Supposedly in shape people can run at their "aerobic heart rate" only slightly slower than when going all out. Perhaps being a much larger guy makes my aerobic heart rate speed so ridiculously slow. Hopefully things will improve. We'll see. Me and my relatively harmless and undemanding imaginary eyes.
Under 150 is so easy I could run for two hours everyday, if I wasn't married.
Certainly a great way to kill time. At 6'5", despite being near vegan, I'm surely halfway to nowhere, and the last two years have certainly gone by much more smoothly.
Supposedly in shape people can run at their "aerobic heart rate" only slightly slower than when going all out. Perhaps being a much larger guy makes my aerobic heart rate speed so ridiculously slow. Hopefully things will improve. We'll see. Me and my relatively harmless and undemanding imaginary eyes.
Religion is about purposely being illogical because the alternative (if you think about it) is too awful. Atheism is about not actually thinking about the alternative. Which is that you're going to cease to exist and therefore everything you do is futile; a truth that one can't actually face and go on living. All "atheists" are actually quite mystical in their thinking, on a subconscious level, just the same as theists.
Life is a predicament. There is no way to exist that isn't illogical. The thing to do is minimize the illogic. So what is more illogical: ignoring the futility of existence, or making up a fairytale so that life isn't futile?
Is ignoring things and stuffing your mysticism solely down into your subconscious less illogical than making stuff up?
The goal is to be happy without harming others. Organized religion has caused a lot of harm. But atheism can lead to nihilism. Seems the key to being "atheist" and not depressed is staying "reactionary", always remembering those theists and how you're better than them, instead of actually really thinking about how futile and basically horrific things actually are. Thinking instead about how strong you are and able to face the truth unlike those weak theists. IOW, just thinking about you versus them as opposed to just ignoring them and actually really thinking about all the suffering, the banality, the absurdity and utter pointlessness of your fleeting existence.
Life is a predicament. There is no way to exist that isn't illogical. The thing to do is minimize the illogic. So what is more illogical: ignoring the futility of existence, or making up a fairytale so that life isn't futile?
Is ignoring things and stuffing your mysticism solely down into your subconscious less illogical than making stuff up?
The goal is to be happy without harming others. Organized religion has caused a lot of harm. But atheism can lead to nihilism. Seems the key to being "atheist" and not depressed is staying "reactionary", always remembering those theists and how you're better than them, instead of actually really thinking about how futile and basically horrific things actually are. Thinking instead about how strong you are and able to face the truth unlike those weak theists. IOW, just thinking about you versus them as opposed to just ignoring them and actually really thinking about all the suffering, the banality, the absurdity and utter pointlessness of your fleeting existence.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Just cannot do typical industrial vocals. My voice has a smooth sound at best. It doesn't do anger, just like I'm not much for it. I'm laidback and so is my voice. Unfortunately it's not good enough to he heard without a lot of effects and tends to sound too unemotional/zombie like IMO. (I hope I don't give off that vibe in person.) Possible.
Music is back to zilch. Lots of failing. The important underlying need for a melody is being neglected. In part because there's only 7 notes dammit. And I can't help but think of that fact. And then not go forward. Instead mindless repetitive stuff.
---
Got a heart rate monitor. Haven't tested my max HR but 150 to 155 feels about right. Started at 5.8. Went down to 5.6 4 miles in. But then in the 6th mile suddenly had to slow down a lot to 4.8mph. The need to slow down I've never done before. Feel really good having done so. With my treadmill fixed can see doing 50mpw. Will test my max I guess in a bit. Want to make sure my knee is good first.
---
Have to stay away from tyramine to avoid headaches. Have to be careful concerning cheese, broccoli, beer. And stay away from wine, chocolate and caffeine.
----
Finally bought some grape vines and a fig tree. Hopefully fig tree will survive here.
Music is back to zilch. Lots of failing. The important underlying need for a melody is being neglected. In part because there's only 7 notes dammit. And I can't help but think of that fact. And then not go forward. Instead mindless repetitive stuff.
---
Got a heart rate monitor. Haven't tested my max HR but 150 to 155 feels about right. Started at 5.8. Went down to 5.6 4 miles in. But then in the 6th mile suddenly had to slow down a lot to 4.8mph. The need to slow down I've never done before. Feel really good having done so. With my treadmill fixed can see doing 50mpw. Will test my max I guess in a bit. Want to make sure my knee is good first.
---
Have to stay away from tyramine to avoid headaches. Have to be careful concerning cheese, broccoli, beer. And stay away from wine, chocolate and caffeine.
----
Finally bought some grape vines and a fig tree. Hopefully fig tree will survive here.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I made a public proclamation that since no one listens I no longer have the energy to bother with composing/recording music. And of course, immediatley afterwards I suddenly find myself so curious about how to do this and that and will such and such sound. Suddenly I'm writing music and looking into new things. What the hell? I write it down and immediately it becomes not true.
Also suddenly this sounds really good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGKByXNXCFc
But perhaps it's the technical side that I was enjoying so much. What is the key, or is there more than one? Is it hardware reverb? Just analog? Great equalization?
Previous song I wrote sounds halfway decent also.
Also suddenly this sounds really good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGKByXNXCFc
But perhaps it's the technical side that I was enjoying so much. What is the key, or is there more than one? Is it hardware reverb? Just analog? Great equalization?
Previous song I wrote sounds halfway decent also.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
One last try at vocals?
JS:Misc/noisegate: -50, 50, 10, 100
JS: Liteon?nonlinear: 100,000,32,22.93
XHip(R): Size-97, Diffuse-76, Time-27, W-0
ReaEQ: bell shape cutting out below 700 and above 6.3k
JS:Guitar/tremolo: Freq-34, A=-2, SS=0
JS:Stillwell/realoud
ReaDelay: Length=-0.05, Feed=-2.2dB
Guitar/distortion: gain=-7dB, maxx vol -2
SIR(R): theater plus reverse
Using up 22% of my CPU.
Sounds OK at the moment. Will wait and see what I think later.
Unfortunately at 22% CPU for a single vocal track... I'm otherwise using synth1 (CPU friendly). Which some say sounds like crap. Occasionally I think it sounds good. I don't know that I actually have anything else that's really better... Although I suppose an analogue hardware synth would probably manage a better bassline.
Maybe could manage a decent bass with the ESQ-1, but I haven't bothered trying to figure out midi in. And playing a really fast bassline would be a pain.... Also the arps, and oscillations, gate, etc, I'm using on this track, not sure they are even possible with the ESQ1. Laziness basically. And something else probably. Many years from now I'll probably finally get around to midi-in. After so many years I'm finally learning all the knobs instead of presets.
Composing / recording in general: It sounds good. And then as you work it starts sounding bad. You leave for a while come back and it sounds good again, then again it starts sounding bad. Sometimes you're just getting tired of hearing it over and over. Sometimes you come back and it still sucks. But maybe you're in the wrong mood still at that moment? So you came back later, and later and so on. Occasionally you pull up a finished song from years ago and think it sounds awful. Other times it sounds so amazing you (I) get so annoyed that no one ever gave it (or anything else I ever did) the time of day.
JS:Misc/noisegate: -50, 50, 10, 100
JS: Liteon?nonlinear: 100,000,32,22.93
XHip(R): Size-97, Diffuse-76, Time-27, W-0
ReaEQ: bell shape cutting out below 700 and above 6.3k
JS:Guitar/tremolo: Freq-34, A=-2, SS=0
JS:Stillwell/realoud
ReaDelay: Length=-0.05, Feed=-2.2dB
Guitar/distortion: gain=-7dB, maxx vol -2
SIR(R): theater plus reverse
Using up 22% of my CPU.
Sounds OK at the moment. Will wait and see what I think later.
Unfortunately at 22% CPU for a single vocal track... I'm otherwise using synth1 (CPU friendly). Which some say sounds like crap. Occasionally I think it sounds good. I don't know that I actually have anything else that's really better... Although I suppose an analogue hardware synth would probably manage a better bassline.
Maybe could manage a decent bass with the ESQ-1, but I haven't bothered trying to figure out midi in. And playing a really fast bassline would be a pain.... Also the arps, and oscillations, gate, etc, I'm using on this track, not sure they are even possible with the ESQ1. Laziness basically. And something else probably. Many years from now I'll probably finally get around to midi-in. After so many years I'm finally learning all the knobs instead of presets.
Composing / recording in general: It sounds good. And then as you work it starts sounding bad. You leave for a while come back and it sounds good again, then again it starts sounding bad. Sometimes you're just getting tired of hearing it over and over. Sometimes you come back and it still sucks. But maybe you're in the wrong mood still at that moment? So you came back later, and later and so on. Occasionally you pull up a finished song from years ago and think it sounds awful. Other times it sounds so amazing you (I) get so annoyed that no one ever gave it (or anything else I ever did) the time of day.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
What an absurd idealist I was.
I gradually became less so as I got older though. Less idealistic about life and about people.
An idealist about the world in general because I can see a better way and as such can barely stand what the world is instead.
About people I've learned to see them for who they really are instead of idealistically. The last hard part was dealing with people online who wanted to only communicate via the internet. It's hard to not idealize with someone who won't ever actually speak out loud to you. Except when you incorporate that exact fact of course and really think about what it says about the person. Duh.
It is hard though to stand to see things as they actually are. Actually impossible I think. Just have to know when idealizing is going to hurt me, versus when it's the only thing that will keep me going.
I gradually became less so as I got older though. Less idealistic about life and about people.
An idealist about the world in general because I can see a better way and as such can barely stand what the world is instead.
About people I've learned to see them for who they really are instead of idealistically. The last hard part was dealing with people online who wanted to only communicate via the internet. It's hard to not idealize with someone who won't ever actually speak out loud to you. Except when you incorporate that exact fact of course and really think about what it says about the person. Duh.
It is hard though to stand to see things as they actually are. Actually impossible I think. Just have to know when idealizing is going to hurt me, versus when it's the only thing that will keep me going.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
I guess it's a horrible thing going through life needing to try to forget most of your life. It's certainly no wonder people with "depression" are more likely to get altzeimers(sp). It's all the practice perhaps, supposing it isn't mostly really the result of diet...
J says remember when you used to put your gloves in the oven before going out when you lived in Minnesota? No, I don't remember that at all. Tried to forget Minnesota. Horrible, awful time. Nothing worth remembering while I was there.... Horrific time.
I wish I could twist it somehow so that I could remember it in some way. No idea how... As what is the point of a life you want to forget? A life where one forgets what they did is a futile life. So what is a life where one wishes they could forget?
I've forgotten how to post a youtube but these music plays forever in my memory of Minnesota. At least until I forget forever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy3R12BxD-g
Futile pain.
J asked me what I was writing. I said you don't want to know. But she insisted. So I read it. Then asked her if she was happy I read it to her. She says she's already in the dumps so I can't bring her down any lower.
This Molson tastes really good tonight. So... "cold". Not in the normal sense. Hard to explain what is meant about it being cold.
Other day I decided to quit drinking alchohol in social situations because I feel like I just sit there in a stupor (even off one drink). Prefer to drink when alone or just with J. Normally people become more relaxed when they drink and thus talk more. In a social setting, I realize I'm poisoning myself and becoming stupider and I tense up. So I decide I'm not going to drink in social settings, then the very next night go do D's house and meet a bunch of people and quickly decide aw what the hell and go ahead and drink 3 beers anyway. (Miller Lite). And this effect has been having doesn't happen, even though it happened over and over and over again previously.
As soon as I took steps to stop it, it immediately would not happen anyway. Some kind of reverse psychology with my unconscious I thought at the time. Now I've had half a Molson though, and don't quite feel up to analyzing it. And simultaneously don't care to think so much about some other things, which happen to be very negative. Success.
How does one reremember hell though.
Saw Django Unchained and thought it excellent. Not really a Tarantino fan either. The critics either seem to love it or hate it. The sociology of slavery fascinates me. And the kick ass hero is essentially what the guilty pleasure of fantasy fiction is all about. The humor to lighten what is otherwise INCREDIBLY depressing works so well here also.
J says remember when you used to put your gloves in the oven before going out when you lived in Minnesota? No, I don't remember that at all. Tried to forget Minnesota. Horrible, awful time. Nothing worth remembering while I was there.... Horrific time.
I wish I could twist it somehow so that I could remember it in some way. No idea how... As what is the point of a life you want to forget? A life where one forgets what they did is a futile life. So what is a life where one wishes they could forget?
I've forgotten how to post a youtube but these music plays forever in my memory of Minnesota. At least until I forget forever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy3R12BxD-g
Futile pain.
J asked me what I was writing. I said you don't want to know. But she insisted. So I read it. Then asked her if she was happy I read it to her. She says she's already in the dumps so I can't bring her down any lower.
This Molson tastes really good tonight. So... "cold". Not in the normal sense. Hard to explain what is meant about it being cold.
Other day I decided to quit drinking alchohol in social situations because I feel like I just sit there in a stupor (even off one drink). Prefer to drink when alone or just with J. Normally people become more relaxed when they drink and thus talk more. In a social setting, I realize I'm poisoning myself and becoming stupider and I tense up. So I decide I'm not going to drink in social settings, then the very next night go do D's house and meet a bunch of people and quickly decide aw what the hell and go ahead and drink 3 beers anyway. (Miller Lite). And this effect has been having doesn't happen, even though it happened over and over and over again previously.
As soon as I took steps to stop it, it immediately would not happen anyway. Some kind of reverse psychology with my unconscious I thought at the time. Now I've had half a Molson though, and don't quite feel up to analyzing it. And simultaneously don't care to think so much about some other things, which happen to be very negative. Success.
How does one reremember hell though.
Saw Django Unchained and thought it excellent. Not really a Tarantino fan either. The critics either seem to love it or hate it. The sociology of slavery fascinates me. And the kick ass hero is essentially what the guilty pleasure of fantasy fiction is all about. The humor to lighten what is otherwise INCREDIBLY depressing works so well here also.
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