Really been unhappy recently. Why?

Job stuff. But this job stuff brings up the past, where really awful things were done to me. I've had more than enough of such things. Kind of grasping for straws here. Some way to not be so unhappy.

An old one I haven't done in forever is remembering how damm good I actually am. Just focusing on having pride in the person I've been. And I've wanted to save the world. Believed that being happy was immoral in this dsytopia. Long time vegan. Etc. I'm ridiculously good. But the idea of feeling proud of myself, and trying to fixate on that, just seems silly to me anymore. And has for well more than a decade I think.

My creativity feels shot lately. Maybe I need to pull out the industrial. Been afraid to for quite a while as it seemed to correlate with unhappiness quite strongly. And now I'm looking for a new job. What is being expected of me at work could in and of itself be the reason for my lack of creativity and that in turn could be the cause of my unhappiness. I'm beating myself up pretty bad with regards to what I perceive as quite a fail as a writer.

I don't really feel that I have much left to live for. Trying to at least produce a beautiful lasting work of art (a book) is about it. Otherwise, just staying alive for my wife's sake it seems. Except for that, very often find myself wishing I'd just die already.

Being vegan for example. I can try to consciously ignore how much it bothers me that everyone around me is the equivalent of a slaver, but subconsciously it's something that is slowly killing me.

Lack of sunlight. Can't find a good song on my cello.

Would love to move. That'd be a nice diversion. Wife wants to stay near our parents. I'd rather not. My parents haven't done me any good in my life. I know it well and don't enjoy their company. My stepfather is well meaning but in some ways so incredibly stupid it sickens me. Can't even stand to use words to explain. My mom is pretty much an idiot. Never had a problem with my biological father leaving her. Although him forsaking his only son at such a young age certainly isn't impressive, but then, there isn't much of anything impressive anywhere near my life. In many ways I'm starved and stunted. Never really had a chance. So, so much of my memories are painful to look back on. Remembering in general is dangerous.