Degree of technology
of magic
of mystery
of injustice
of symbolism
of character realism (as opposed to being two dimensional)
of "preachiness" (as opposed to just being entertaining (is this a correct way to think?))
of hope
of withholding (same as mystery?)
common social norms versus uncommon? (uncommon is difficult to present...)
1st vs 3rd person and past vs present
humor?
one main character vs multiples

Plot is overcoming injustice, ultimately finding food/shelter/love. Not saving the world, that may seem to be a plot but it can't really be an ending.... But what of short stories? Overcoming injustice in a short story???

Need to write short stories first to gain confidence. As such i suppose I ought to read more of them. Rarely available on Kindle. Actually in general they just aren't as easy to find. Looking at Locus, etc now. I like short stories, just harder to find, thus haven't read as many............ Generally something is revealed. That's it.

For the long series: Low tech, medium magic, medium to high mystery, high injustice, low to nonexistent symbolism, main character highly realistic but others may have some simplification, relatively typical social norms, 1st person somewhat preferable, high degree of hope (to balance injustice), virtually no humor (since has high hope).

for the short story: Not sure.... that low tech matters here, all about the high mystery the revealing of which is the end of the story, not sure injustice level matters..., symbolism?? I don't know, highly realistic main character with possibly simplified others, social norms????, etc not sure. The short story is just something all together different.

And finally threw together a song for first time in a long time. With ESQ1 which I finally fixed the battery in, I think. Now it's working but still gives a battery warning message at first...???

Cello is getting fun as playing more minor key stuff.

In a decent mood lately. Why? Why oh why, if only I could bottle the recipe.

Eating blueberries with waffles every morning. The waffles have crushed walnuts and flax meal in them. And broke down and been adding an egg.

I over did the running. Was doing 12 miles three times a week at no slower than 10 minutes / mile with the last couple miles really hard every other time. This is the first time such relatively slow running ever caused knee problems, although clearly I've something up with my right knee that I ought to get checked out. And it's taking longer to get better. Now 4 days out. Sure I could run if I had to. I can push off just fine. It's any kind of twisting that's the problem...

I bought a elliptical for cross training. Going to try to run less often and hopefully the elliptical will have good crossover....

Still avoiding alcohol lately. Occasional (not daily) beer. No wine. No headaches.

In the middle of a 9 day home vacation.

Just finished The Mote in God's Eye by Niven and Pournelle, which I guess I enjoyed and maybe is mainly why I'm in a good mood???? It's a guilty enjoyment. Quite silly. I think much sillier than fantasy/dragons/elves/etc. Yet the one guy has at least 4 masters degrees, etc.

With (good) fantasy you simplify technology and people to escape to a simpler world, yet hopefully get down to some basic truths about existence. You make sense of an otherwise pointless existence. It's an almost religious thing.

With ("good") sci fi you simplify people while adding in nerdy sci fi ideas and I guess say, "oh cool, neato!" I think back in the 50's, 60's, 70's, maybe 80's... but then increasingly less so, there was this hope. The possibilities seemed limitless. Now we've basically shut down the space program. And our big inventions have been internet phones. The sci fi predictions have fallen so so short. The "cool neato!" thing is gone to a large extent. And it's kind of a silly idea compared to what fantasy fiction at least can potentially be anyway.

But I eventually got into The Mote because of the alien viewpoint. Which of course is another part of "sci fi". The part Vance claimed to be interested in. He called it... sociological fiction?? I think. You can go through a magic door or a space ship to get to the alien/other culture. I got into it. Still silly though.

Also The Telling by LeGuin. I don't even remember what the ending was now.... Somewhat abrupt ending. Oh yes, these people on this world got it all wrong. Trying to squash the "backward" ways of a mostly neighboring culture as they enter into the Ekumen with all it's interstellar technology. It's really a pretty straightforward and obvious thing. Hardly any plot and her point is pretty obvious. Perhaps a reply to militant atheists? But in a strawman way. Not that I'm a atheist anyway.

Alcohol is now triggering headaches, also long hard runs make me more susceptible. Just one to two drinks is so good for my mental outlook. Stops me from thinking too hard. Stops me from seeing the big picture too clearly. Keeps me myopic. Keeps me focusing on meaningless diversions.

Without it I'm feeling very lonely.

The only person I really have interesting conversations with is my cello teacher. Bizarrely I don't even know anyone who likes reading sci fi / fantasy. What few people I occasionally do something with, I don't really have enough in common with to warrant being close enough to, to mean very much to me.

Without friends, life is meaningless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjINMLy3l1E&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9DWjirdPv-6MOoa-TiJVdHp

Intelligent life across infinite worlds. (Tschai Spaceport). Was thinking about this idea near the end of Lincoln. Missed some of the speeches where he kind of droned on a bit while thinking about it. Only Jack Vance that I've read captures this idea. Finishing a James Tiptree book (Beauty Falls...?) about torturing aliens for the drugs they secrete, etc. It doesn't even remotely catch this idea. In fact, it's just not good writing IMO. Reviews said it wasn't her best. Too plot dependent. Too contrived. I don't know. Somewhat tedious. Then a feeling of the hammer going to drop which just holds and holds and holds for so long. Must missing something.

Among Others by Jo Walton?
Mostly lists a bunch of sci-fi books. I've read about half. I liked it. Makes me really wish I was a part of a book club. I'm pretty sure no such thing exists here. Which goes back to blog title. Weirdly abrupt ending.

Dark Tower Series by Stephen King
Started good but fell apart exactly as one would expect for something that long which had no outline. I quit halfway through book 7 actually.

The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis
My boss likes this. It's great that she reads sci-fi. But as of 35% this book is tedious. Mostly just the future, very little of the 14th century. That part is better. The characters and there interaction is somewhat like Tiptree. Too focused on uninteresting details.

Bad Ronald by Jack Vance
Not the genre he was so good at. Neat idea. Nothing more.

A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter Miller
Very well written. Good stuff. Somehow a dated concept, though it could still happen tomorrow. After the Dark Tower this was such a welcome breath of fresh air.

The Word for World is Forest by Ursula Le Guin
Kind of short, the bad guy(s) ultimately easily defeated. But I liked it better than The Left Hand of Darkness. The combo of that book being so highy touted caused me to assume it was her best, and thus didn't check her other stuff out much. The Dispossessed is her best I think. This was good. Tackles the important concepts. If I were to write this is how I guess. Must tackle the concept of the rightwing mind. Although still that mind comes across as too stupid to be believable. Would be a thing to manage to do it in a more believable way. Which isn't to say that Le Guin isn't exactly correct already...

Another migraine today. Worrisome as they're coming more often. Today for the first time I tied a bandana tightly around my head, such as my mom says my lookalike grandfather did. (The only thing I know about him.) Seemed to help slightly. The lortabs did nothing. Lately got one from wine, so now I can't drink wine. Which pisses me off, but there's a bright side to that I guess.... This time I just don't know what caused it. But I'm worried that lately hard runs have coincided with migraines..... Please don't let that be a trigger....

Wife is babying me, which is wonderful. (Although griping about it, as usual.)

I ran 4 miles in 29:11 maybe a month ago. More impressed with 5 miles in 37:00. And ran from Fairmont to Morgantown (20 miles) 2 Sundays in a row. Then I felt the very beginning of plantar fachitis(sp). Now two weeks of just a bit of exercise bike. Feeling slobby, but having more time is really nice.
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Really wanted to write some meaningless random synth music. But need to replace the battery and haven't been able to find the battery yet.
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Went to opera (Don Giovanni) with wife and S. Not much of an opera. Otherwise was fun.
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Went to dinner the night of the election with wife, D and her current boyfriend. Was good to see her again. Very good. I drank 4 glasses of wine and triggered a slight migraine. I guess I can never again drink that much. Week before had a 2.5 bottles at pumpkin carving party at S's house and had awful migraine next day.
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Obama won. It's a good day. Dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Would have been an awful thing to take away healthcare from all those people.
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Seriously lacking cello motivation.
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Today sick. Not migraine sick. Just flu like? First in a long, long time.
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Almost done with Stephen Kind's 7 book Dark Tower series. I'm really unimpressed. King does not use an outline. It shows. I shouldn't have bothered probably reading this loooong series. Has coloured my life in a somewhat drab way.
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Spent 28k in beginning IVF on Monday. Stepfather is donating a good portion though. J is in good mood. She says because she has hope. She really had no hope for a long time.
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S is always saying everyone thinks she's a lesbian. This most recent time I told her via facebook a few days later I didn't think she was a lesbian. Not so sure she took it very positive. She thought it weird I brought it up a few days later. Why is that weird??? It shows I think about her even when I haven't seen her for days....???

I remember when I was writing one of my first songs in the low tech days with my ensoniq ks-32. I went outside in the early night under the moon with the song in my head, trying to improve upon it. I felt like I was doing something that mattered, like a young beethoven. I miss that delusion. That and so many others.

Dreams under the night sky.

Now what few "dreams" I have are so inconsequential. Whether they happen or not doesn't matter. Nothing worth dreaming about will ever happen. So I think. So I believe.

---

In other news, just the occasional evening spent with what very very few friends I have make such a difference. We're talking ultimately maybe once a month it seems. That little bit makes a difference. Such a little relatively pitiful thing. Yet without it I think I'd be quite depressed though.

Coupons and so on at the grocery and wherever else are like being a performing monkey for a quarter.

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The beginning of SP's Ain't it Dead Yet? The black and white video of the woman in the black dress standing on the top of a high hill in the wind. Imagine a moment outside of time, where the day to day worries of money, what those with power over you will do to you, et cetera, are gone. Find a place, a way, a "religion", a mysticism where you can go and try to get outside of time, perhaps knowing you'll never succeed, but still for some reason believing in trying.

-

Endlessly living short miserable lives, always remembering the past lives, but it gets you nowhere, it's always dystopia, you're always born into the lower classes. Always in the classes that live lives of fear. And drugdery. And pain.

Except you know, that if you die, you will continue to exist. And as such it's not as bad. It's all not quite worth worrying so much about....

-

So much easier to disagree and argue and for that matter, get angry online. In person or on the phone... "whatever you like!"

Just using the garmin thus not posting here really much on the running. But ran 4 miles in 30:47 last week, even stopping twice to tie my shoes. PB of around 90 seconds. (although my time still drops way off for that distance.) Today ran a mile in 6:34 which is a pb by about 16 seconds. Both pb's from more than 6 months. A bit of fast running twice a week but otherwise 80+% nose breathing running. 30 to 35 miles a week. It's working.

I can see sub 6 minute miles as a possibility now. Will probably need to slog through hundreds of miles for it to happen though.

Cello workshop seriously sucked up all my time. I guess I definitely got better at the cello. Now sick to death of cello and taking a break. Wonder what the net effect will be. I think now I maybe want to find that Gorecki piece no matter the cost. ...really got to work on learning the ESQ1 also...

So for 5 or 6 weeks I averaged 34 miles a week, then two weeks of 20 thanks to sickness and race taper. Last week though did 36 and this week did 21 just in the first two days. Just now going back to a true long run, plus a hard run plus three more 7, 8 mile runs. About an 80/20 easy/hard ratio. With the easy being breathing through nose. Boring stuff. Really effing boring.

10% in to Mieville's Kraken and put it aside. The main character is too dumb. It's OK if most characters are stupid, but the main character can't also be. Was thinking that actually a book with a few intelligent people surrounded by idiots pretty well summarizes quite a few books. Previous Mieville books didn't have such stupid main characters....

So back to Le Guin, I think basically having ideas automatically means "didactic" / preachy. And thus, just not something to worry about.

Built a pergola/arbor today for my thriving wysteria. Also pond water is clearing up. Blackberry bushes are growing like crazy. Really like my yard.

Was thinking jazz is like at least three people having a happy/humorous conversation....

I don't feel like I'm doing enough at work to justify my pay. This worries me. Otherwise the job is just fircking fanatanastick.

Wife recovering from exploratory fertility related surgery. In the last instant of the world our inability to reproduce doesn't matter too awfully much. But I guess you could call this continuing failed process like the very long slow drawn out erasing of a potential human. That is sort of what it feels like.

I've finally given in to the heat and started using the treadmill. Had I think a kidney stone issue on Saturday. 6 excruciating attacks. So didn't run on Sat or Sunday. Today did 5 miles in 39:45. Best training run I've had for that distance.

I think the higher mileage is paying off. Trying to go fast, then two "easy" 8 mile runs, repeat.

Bought an ensoniq ESQ-1. Finally! And it does seem to have the sound, although I haven't gone beyond presets.... Not enough time right now. Have cello workshop coming up. Combined with 40mpw and many other projects. Gladden.... Building mom's pond... But hopefully after the cello workshop, and perhaps especially in the fall/winter I will start making some serious music.

Analog versus digital/virtual is night and day for me. It's alive versus dead. Every sound is supposed to suggest a living creature, literally. And with analog it can. Not so much with virtual/digitial.

Wondering if I should get hardware reverb now....

The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
This is better than Mistborn. The magic system isn't explained so much. Some mystery is left.. The world has more detailed. And/or more is just left out to keep one's interesting. Mistborn was far too honest. This one has a hero who seems to have an ace. He just never dies. And he's being put through hell.

So hero with an ace, being put through hell in a richly detailed world full of mystery.

Very good book.

LeGuin's Left Hand of Darkness just doesn't impress me so much. Liked Dispossed soooo much better.. The idea of androgynous people, I think so much more could be done with that. No wonder the book did nothing for me when I read it so many years ago. The fact that people seem to consider this her best book, when I'm so unimpressed by it, is why i've never really gotten into her writing. But, I have really liked Dispossed and The Lathe of Heaven. So definitely will read more of her stuff.

Last 4 weeks have run 39, 29, 34 and 34. Second week was tapering for a race. This last week had issues with dehydration and extreme heat. But all in all. Improving. Averaged 9min/mile for 22 miles in a row this week. Last day though the 99 degree humid weather was too much.

Trying to get to 40.

And so I've wondered for quite a while why people usually mirror the moods of others but in some cases will instead try to balance out another's mood. For example, if a person seems very unhappy they'll try to be cheery in compensation.

It depends on whether or not you think disagreeing with someone is a dangerous thing to do. So with a total stranger for example, probably best to just mirror them for the most part. And then if you consider yourself well above them hierarchially(sp), or whoever else, you're more likely to balance instead of mirror.

I balance instead of mirror more than usual because I assume good things of others, I assume they're intelligent enough to handle a different point of view. I think. I don't think it's that I'm just a contrary individual....

Ursula Le Guin. Perhaps I just wasn't smart enough when younger. It was at least 15 years ago, possibly 20 that I read The Left Hand of Darkness and just didn't get anything from it. Just read the Dispossed and loved it. Now reading the Lathe of Heaven. It's not the same level but it's enjoyable. More like a long short story. Shall mow through all by Le Guin I'm thinking. I've been starved for this kind of cerebral work, that is still a good story.

Annarres(sp) sounds great to me. Well, better anyway. Of course Sabul, etc, not so much. I've had my own Sabul experiences. Love that my boss now is intelligent and female. And that I'm surrounded by women, although I've not much in common with them.

Ran a hilly 10k in 50:09. Trying to run 8 miles, five times a week.

Was reading Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith (125 pages in). Was enjoying it because I really like Lincoln. As a politician in general, let alone at that time, he had to be very careful what he said. I suspect he was actually a far better person than the record shows. Think he was an atheist and today, would be a vegan.

Although OTOH I think we'd be better off if the South had seceded. Today they'd be a third world country and we'd have forced them to give up slavery. Thus the most powerful nation in the world wouldn't be so damm right wing.... Although perhaps not as powerful either....

Anyway read a review that gave too many spoilers and ultimately just put the book in it's place too well and now I don't plan on finishing.
I will say I thought it better done that GRR Martin's 1850's vampire book. Ultimately it makes Lincoln into less than he really was. The real Lincoln wasn't motivated out of revenge for a personal wrong. But Lincoln as a hero is definitely something I'm down with.

1:48 for the half marathon. Enjoyed it so much I really want to increase my mileage. The faster I run, the funner it is. Want to get close to 40 mpw. A 12 and an 8 on the weekend hopefully 3 6 milers during the week....

Also, longer distances are much more enjoyable. A 5k is uncomfortable from the start. For a half marathon you really have to decrease the intensity. I didn't start hurting until 11 miles in. And then unfortunately I ran the last bit too hard and crashed, but definitely want to try to mainly do 6 to 13 mile races in the future....

Just can't find anymore decent fantasy fiction. But i should say, low tech setting with mysticism instead of "fantasy fiction" perhaps. So sick of reading bad fantasy fiction that I'm going back to Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. The Hobbit was very much a story for children. LOTR though is also still very child oriented actually. Love the level of detail and just showing normal life in the Shire before the quest starts. Reminds me of Mel Gibson's Apoptaliptica (sp). Made one care about the slaugther a bit by spending some real time showing the tribe happy in the beginning. Who cares otherwise? And usually not enough time is put into this.

Then of course there's Rothfuss giving LOTR as an example of too much detail about the setting. (sigh). I wonder if LOTR would even get published today?

Anyway, there's also just a nostalgia attached to LOTR such that reading it is enjoyable. And i wonder, why virtually no one has written more stories that have hobbits? Dwarves and elves are OK but not hobbits?

Little silly but I ordered a map of Tolkien's Middle Earth. Eh. GRR Martin's Westoros too. What the hell. The HBO show is done surprisingly well.

Moderate to hard intensity runs. Logged on Garmin.

Otherwise what to say that matters?

It's still the last instant of the world. I start a new job tomorrow. Looks like my new bosses/coworkers are more intelligent. Although old job was pretty good. Biggest complaint was just that coworkers were a bit boring. This new job though ought to be better... 10 hour days instead of 14 hour ones. Research!! Chance to play the cello daily. Possibly go running more often.

I'm running a half marathon next saturday. Worried I haven't properly prepared.

My health is wonderful. Sleeping well. Lots of energy. Joints feel good. (Excepting aches and pains that go along with running.)
Loving the hot weather. Now have a second frog in the pond. Water lilly looks like it's going to be huge this year. Ravenous fish though are eating the hyacinths and I don't want to put so much food in this year like I did last year. Can't have the fish multiplying every year like they did last year. Just won't have many floating plants I guess.

Thinking I should start some new creative hobby. No one would listen to my music. (Although I'm possibly going to work on improving gear still, maybe eventually will record more music.) But as no one could be bothered to give 5 minutes to listen, it makes it pretty hard to bother writing. Was thinking of drawing/painting. Thing that holds me back on that is that I've so rarely seen anything done by anyone else that I considered worthwhile. Ordered a Beksinski book though.

running is on garmin thus not here.

Started kol nidre on cello.

Less than two weeks till new job that is 5 8 hour days instead of 3 12+ hour days. Hoping this will be better for me. Hope my cello playing improves. Running too, though I'm less hopeful on that. Right now wish I hadn't entered a half marathon as I feel too slow to bother with that distance. But, shall do "omega training" starting 5 days out, hopefully. (Unless fertility stuff coincides.) And the effects of that for longer distances will be interesting to see. Worried I'll run really abnormally fast, but then be incredibly sore/tired and make a bad first impression in new job.

Recently partly read some book, Bachiyr (33AD) by David McAfee, about vampires plotting to kill Jesus. Has a lot of nice elements. Not a christian but the idea of a really good person getting horribly killed long ago, is somehow very compelling. Always liked Paar Lagerkvist's Barrabas. This though is written so just damm stupidly that it's almost kind of blasphemous.

Also a collection of short stories on Kindle, don't have it with me now, about fantasy preTolkien. First story about elves, which strongly highlighted the theme of verdancy, something I hadn't seen any other writing do. But, it makes strong sense. And reminds me of myself and all my seed sprouting, etc. Currently have pots hanging from the wisteria trellis. Planted more ribbon grass. Bought another wisteria, etc.

4 days left in current job, thank you that it's over. Yesterday was pretty insane. The AMA idiot at the end was almost too much. Definitely can drop the optimism bias about this job now. Thank some magical higher power that it's over.

More steady state runs of at least 6 miles. Have half marathon in less than a month. Today did 6 miles in steady 52:54. Could have gone faster but maybe not a lot. Only did 22 miles this week in 4 running days. Need to do longer runs. Next week hopefully will do a few 7 milers. But just not interested in 10 minute miles so probably neglecting the longer runs.

The Once and Future King by TH White.
Not serious enough for me. But has a lot of detail. Third person. Merlin and "Wart", whom I guess is to become King Arthur. 100 pages in. Feels very random. Now having an adventure with Robin Hood. Merlin turns "the Wart" into animals a lot. If it were to suddenly get more serious it could be good. Here and there it is a little serious. But I can hardly be bothered to read this.

Entered first race, a 5k in Morg, did some "omega male training" 3 days out, ran 21:40. A big PR. And third place. Although last year it would have been 16th. Less than 100 people ran. Was fun. S did well also.

I did 2 miles in 14:29 a month ago? Really? I'm not that fast now. Did a mile in 7:30 and I think two in 15:00 minutes would have been kind of hard, though I stopped before that far. Guess more frequent easier runs might have been useful. Going back to that. All the sickness may have been a coincidence. Or the weightlifting, more likely.

61. Clearly some sort of chase but mixed in with a discovery. You discover something and then you're chasing it. And it leads you into greater discovery. Say an underground world, through an old abandoned subway system or such. What is the discovery though and what comes before it such that it flows smoothly and makes sense? How can this by itself be a short story? I don't think it can...

57. Again that's some inventor sort of person... You're at their fantastic place.... Have to relisten...

Thinking of writing some short stories inspired by my songs. 57. rez noise-lots of crazy off the wall inventions... Wife yellling at me to hurry up. There's my 5 seconds of writing for today...

10/2's for 16 miles in 2:27:40 Last couple hurt. That first mile in 7:50 felt pretty easy.

The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart First person. Relatively realistic characters. Pretty richly detailed. An account of Merlin based somewhat closely on what is actually known from historical records, although admittedly not as accurate as possible. Accurate enough that it isn't as good of a story as it might otherwise be. But one of the better books I've read in a while. Curious what Mary Stewart can do if she's just entirely making it up. Now back to book three of Gormenghast. Lately with all the fantasy fiction I've read, I've been increasingly dissappointed and I find myself remembering this book though as having stuck with me much better. Definitely one of the best I read. Dislike that it's in third person. Couldn't bring myself to read the third book earlier because I know the author dies right in the beginning of the fourth as his hands literally lose the ability to write and his scrawl slowly becomes entirely illegible. So far in book three nothing has really happened. (Finds city and meets Muzzle....?) It's really just Peake's magnificent voice. That makes nothing much really happening still enjoyable to read as I lay on a swing on the porch in this nice weather with a glass of lambrusco.

10/2's for 16 miles in 2:29.

Saw interesting concert tonight. Again, three cello's beat an orchestra.

Got a research position. Has positives and negatives. I think it's a much less ridiculous position for me. But I liked my old job. Worry I'm a bit too far gone for the more typical interactions one usually has in a workplace. Shall see.

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh
This book made me understand first and foremost that one should never push a book onto others. I posted something critical of society as a whole on facebook. I wasn't locked up for it. Probably just put on ignore by 80% of people. But strangely someone replied I might like this book.

So being just naturally curious I borrowed it, as it wasn't available on kindle. And now for the last two months I've procrastinated and felt bad that A. I haven't finished it yet. and B. as I think it's crap what am I going to tell the person I borrowed it from???

Offering a book to someone is a horrible imposition. Even if it's Manufacturing Consent by Herman and Chomsky, I guess.

I gave up on this book halfway in where with different wording "god" basically says he wants everyone to have an extreme optimism bias and that if bad things happen to you, it's because you actually wanted them to.

But what should I tell the person from work who loaned it to me?

I shouldn't bother saying anything negative about society in any public setting, that's for sure.

Fledgling by Octavia Butler
First person. Hero has an "ace" but not hardly up her sleeve. 300 pages but felt like a short story. They find the killers kind of easily and they're convicted by a rather quick trial. Liked the beginning but it developed a pedestrian feel as it went along. Started feeling embarrassed about reading it, etc. Oh well. Bad guys highly and stupidly 2D but is that so different from real life? Perhaps it could have been better if longer. Felt rushed towards a happy ending. Wanted Parable of the Sower but it wasn't on kindle so just grabbed what they happened to have at the independent bookstore when I really should have used amazon.

Boo hoo, woe is ME!

reddit.com is a pretty good site. Somewhat makes me feel better about humankind. Found an extremely intersting article there plus many useful comments about an 80% optimism bias. Reposted it at FB and no one commented or liked. Because I don't know any interesting people at all. But there are some out there. Scattered very few and far between, almost impossible to find online it seems.

Got sick three times in last month or so. Once after getting a tetanus, diptheria, .., pertussis shot. Second time from the worst hangover I think I've ever had. And finally from either a stomach flu or food poisoning. But this all coincides with changes in my exercise program. Going back to running twice a week. Want to get up to 3 hours each time because that makes work much more tolerable. Mostly slow continuous running, but with some hill repeats and finishing off with a brisk mile or two. Ed Whitlock broke 3 hours for the marathon at 73 years old by running for 3 hours continuous almost each day. I've found repeatedly that two days a week works almost as well as 5, 6 or 7. (Although maybe not really with aerobic activity....) Anyway, it's first and foremost about feeling good. And I've felt pretty damm bad recently with running much more frequent plus some light lifting.

Went to a site called goodreads and read a bunch of reviews for a few books. Mary Stewart and R Scott Bakker... Was depressed by the stupidity of most of the people. In order to find happiness I have to get past that. Just forgetting the reality of what's out there is what has worked best so far. I wonder if there might be some other way. That the ravens, fish, squirrels and cats in my life aren't so smart doesn't bother me. Perhaps I could learn treat other people the same way instead of expecting them to be my equal.

Conversely, many people are hypersensitive to such an arrogant attitude in me. But short of becoming a stupider person they'll still say the same.

Perhaps it's part of the very cycle of the rise and fall of civilizations, that social norms are developed and those who disagree with them are slowly but surely quite simply removed from the gene pool until everyone agrees, and then shortly thereafter the society is destroyed from it's erroneous(sp) ways. It does certainly appear that the idea of disagreeing with the social norms of today has become a thing that's just not done anymore. Maybe 100 years ago. Then you go take your commune out in the wilderness which would eventually fail anyway. Now, not really. Seriously I don't really see it going on anywhere to any meaningful degree.

Maybe someone rants about how they hate Bush or rightwing thinking. And someone else goes on against the corporate coverage of war. Meanwhile, someone else with a hippy bent goes on about marijuana being illegal. A very very few people may even go on about the absurdity of lawn mowing, the great American pastime. But most focus on single issues and even these are few and far between. Or I just know all the wrong people. That could be it.

Still I'd do well to learn to love mowing the lawn. This year I find myself minding it less than in the past. But I think that's because I'm in better endurance shape then I've maybe ever been. Still the bamboo should be here in a couple of weeks.

Recommendations from the great Robin Hobb:
The Heir of the Night by Helen Lowe
I didn't very far. I agree with this review:
http://www.strangehorizons.com/reviews/2012/04/the_heir_of_nig-comments.shtml#comments

Only Forward by Michael Marshall Smith and something in the middle of a huge series by Steven Burst
They both remind me of Jim Butcher's Dresden Files, which isn't a completely awful thing. I like first person but it's a rather crude first person. A simplistic person.

The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart
This one I'm 56 pages into and liking quite well so far.

Good mood lately. Why I couldn't say. Running more often, mostly continuous runs? Or is it related to a second sperm analysis that came back far better than previous and furthermore that as such I'm drinking alcohol again? Or spring?

A few pond dreams even. Even a slight writing breakthrough. (First person).

OTOH dreading that I might still get offered that job. Although hearing nothing for a month is a good sign. I should have learned my lesson by now. Ideally I should be doing something more with my mind, but thinking ideally is exactly what's caused me so much unhappiness throughout my life.

Sunday night did 4 miles in 32:30. Today, wednesday, did 6 mile repeats in 7:07, 6:49, 7:18, 7:03, 7:25, 7:35. Slower than I managed a while back. Have gained 5 to 10 pounds with lifting more. Also have neglected faster running a little, I guess. Going to do mile repeats twice a week. Really ought to do more than 6 I think. I guess I'll still attempt to add in "easy runs", which are about 9:30 to 10 minute miles. But geez, those get boring quick.

Some times I still believe there exists some Thing. Something that sees me. Something beautiful. Some I guess of love. Of the right world. That which was lost. I fear to examine this "feeling" too closely. What if I thus destroy it? But what if I can instead strengthen it, bring it more into my consciousness, where it isn't lost to me for long periods of time?

It's like feeling as if I matter. Like I'm not just some random bit of nothing that will eventually be destroyed and forgotten, my ever action an exercise in futility.

Simpler characters are escapist. It's maybe hard to make a very simple character in first person and perhaps doesn't work well to have a detailed main character surrounded by cardboard cutouts. Thus third person more often for stories with less character detail...?

What's so great about a medieval setting in fantasy fiction?

It's an escape to a simpler world. A low technology and thus less complicated world. Two-dimensional characters, people whom are easier to understand, is also an escape.
Meanwhile there is great hope because the hero has an ace up their sleeve. Finally there is magic and thus mysticism, which means ultimately no overriding reason to be nihilistic.

Roger Ebert: Sometimes I feel that in my lifetime I have seen a healthy society ripped to pieces.

Run Faster from the 5K to the Marathon: How to be your own coach by Brad Hudson
Says running at a lot of different speeds and intensities is really important. Basic types are hills/hill sprints, tempo/threshold runs (hard for 2 to 6 miles), intervals, and slower longer runs. I basically have been doing only intervals. Trying to do all these others at least once a week, and slower easier runs as often as I can manage with my 15 hour grueling workdays.

Today I did 2 miles in 14:29, then two easy miles and finally 2 more miles (somewhat uphill) in 16:09. My low intense/high freq strength training is consisting of a set of overhead presses, closee grip bench presses, tri pushdowns and a set of chinups. Very low intensity. Very afraid of insomnia.

Whenever it occurs to one to do something nice for others, something altruistic, stop and think really hard. Then go do something selfish instead.

The Wizard book two of the Knight by Gene Wolfe
32% and having a hard time I guess following what's going on. The goings on at Utgard aren't making much sense to me. What exactly Sir Able is doing at the pass in the mountains makes no sense. Hela, the half Angrborn giant makes no sense. What Setr/Garseq is up to makes no sense. What the Aelf Firemaidens are up to makes no sense. Lady Idnn was suddenly at the mountain pass and then back in Utgard, huh? Like it's just random dream nonsense, on and on. Why Thiazi wouldn't suspect the humans in the assasination attempt. How Svon went from useless and bad to good so suddenly.

Unreliable narrators. That's Wolfe's thing. But it's seeming like everyone is so "unreliable" that the whole thing is just random chaos. Like they're all blindfolded and randomly running into walls and each other. I did like the first book though, so I'm trying to persevere.

Far be it for me to expect any of you to ever break free.
Far be it for me to expect any of you to rise above.
Far be it for me to ever expect any damm worthwhile thing from any of you.

I shall live and die without experiencing any exceptions. It used to amaze me. Now I understand the true horror of it a bit better. Was it better to be perpetually amazed? No, no, no. It is at least a breaking free. Just here and there I still try to actually live, just a little, unfortunately.

Really liking Gene Wolfe lately. Like the dreaminess. If it's something ugly. Better to be asleep. And so may I tolerate what remains of this "life" in a somewhat asleep state.

Was going to see some cellists play Metallica today with S and literally 15 minutes before I was leaving my dad made me take him to the ED instead. (He's fine.) Somehow this triggered some mysticism in me. To be exact the old belief in an evil god who's got it in for me. And I dunno. Something more. Just an avanlanche of disgust with this world. Something that wasn't a big deal suddenly became a big deal and I dunno. Feel like it caused me to take a step back and really look in horror at things that I'm trying so hard to just ignore. This world is so horrifically wrong, wrong, wrong. So hard to stand the wrongness of it. So hard to just stay myopic and try to enjoy the little things sometimes.

Right now I kind of want to scream and break things. Not something that's happened in a long time.

It was that tdap shot I think. Rubbed the lump on my shoulder Monday night. Tuesday was increasingly awful. Fever, fatigue, aching, nausea, and chills. And then a headache started also. This Wednesday evening starting to feel somewhat better. Physically anyway. Mentally not very good. Oblivion has become addicting. Need to put it aside now. It's like I'm looking for that high and I keep not getting it now. Just repetitive running around, same monsters over and over. Scenery is the same, etc. What a waste of time.

I said in the beginning it was the music. But one gets tired of hearing a piece of music over and over and I'm well there.

Feel awful today. Don't know if I pushed myself too hard on yesterday's run or it's that Tdap shot.

Anyway, currently reading The Knight by Gene Wolfe
At times I haven't liked the feel of his stories. They are dreamy and seem a bit random, like dreams often do. Really enjoying this one though. Guess I'm in a dreamy mood.

Also audio version of City of Dragons by Robin Hobb. I don't know. Feels a bit unusually childish. Not much adversity. The british lady doing the reading sounds kind of ridiculous doing the male voices also.

Eh. Too tired.

Did a 6/2 12 mile run in 1:48:44. Much faster still then a continuous run. Next up a 3/1 for 12 then maybe 1.5/0.5.

Nervously awaiting results of interview. Probably a fool for applying. Then tried to convince myself of the good of it. Now thinking about probably unfairly not getting it. (sigh). Change is a bad, bad thing.........

The lack of an overriding voice/feel may have caused a lack of sufficient direction, an aimless, random feel to my attempts to write. Impressed with my stupidity that it seems as if this never occurred to me before.

It's hard to describe the voice of most writers. Will make a very bad attempt here: The irreverence (if I'm using the word right) of TH White. The despondency of Lev Grossman. The elegant stoicism of Vance. Susanna Clarke? That's the sort I want to describe, so many successful books have this voice. Don't know how to describe it. A positive feel. Like the narrator cares about the reader and is trying to be delicate with them. I don't know. Hopefully I'll remember later despite not being able to describe it.

If I would want to write. I need an overriding voice and what would that be?

--------

Not so great at conversation usually. Maybe because I'm too introspective. Maybe because I just find people boring. Thinking about this with possible new job. I don't think I make very good first impression. Thinking about myself at just not talking, leading to awkward silences.

------

How can one live like Cocteau Twins music in this dystopia? Such happiness would be moral since mankind has ended.

Just did continuous runs this week. And three times last week too. Can't remember the details of last week. This week I did two 12.5 mile runs and then a 10 mile run. The ten mile was in 97:23. Which sucks. But I suppose for continuous running, is good for me. I could still run/walk faster. But will try to keep at it for at least the next three weeks. Trying to run at least 35 miles a week, which is an improvement. Followed by a set of close grip benches and wide grip pulldowns.

I think lifting extremely hard once a week, increases the injury potential, also just makes lifting really suck. And ultimately doesn't work as well. OTOH, insomnia seems a bit less likely. Maybe.

In order to be happy one must nonconsciously believe that/live as if we're connected. Pyschically(sp) connected. Believing in "imaginary" eyes that can see us, that are with us in our mind all the time, that care about us. Those eyes can be that of a lover, friends/family, the masses, "god"/something completely outside of reality. It's there all the damm time, with us, and we're unaware of it. At the moment of sleep, it can be clearer sometimes.

The concept of crying when alone is a reaching out towards this connection.

It's probably an illusion. But it seems a necessary one. Is it possible to be a part of a community that is so healthy, so closeknit, that one could be happy without this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ic0s__Pc8
Nostalgia

Was looking for info on exercise induced insomnia and other than the same sentence pasted to about 100 different sites all I really found was that a very few other people do seem to get this. Did though find Arthur Lydiard saying that anerobic exercise can lead to insomnia. That and many, many other negative things he claimed.

He caught my attention with that and furthermore in that he said anerobic (interval) training only needed to be added about 4 weeks before a race. That's all it took to get it to about as good as it was going to get while one can slowly improve for years and years by doing aerobic activity daily.

This does actually seem to be largely true. Looking at lifting weights for example. Strength to body weight ratios hardly change at all beyond the first few months (barring drugs). So I'm chucking my interval training and going to steady speed runs on as many days as I can manage. Possibly might try to do 40 miles per week... And once a week, a single 1 mile time trial. Not quite what he advocated but we'll see how it goes.

Supposedly exercise is good for sperm but only if it's "moderate". I don't know how moderate is defined. Apparently 100 miles per week is beyond moderate. Is 30/40 miles a week? I don't know. I have noticed in the past that with daily steady runs I feel increased libido, perhaps that will tell me.

Halfway through book three of The Blade Itself by Abercrombie it occurs to me what appeal is left concerns ninefingers and is quite similar to the appeal of professional wrestling. Oh well.

Insomnia from yesterday's exercise. Not sure what exactly though. Possibly from doing the situps as fast as possible. Didn't fall asleep until 5AM. And was supposed to get up at 5:15AM to work until usually 8:15PM. Called off. 4th call off. Can't call off again for next 9 months, or I'm blocked from transferring. Not usually an issue, but I have applied for an unique research position. With my insomnia issues a normal 8 hour a day job would be better for me. And research is a better fit, etc.

How ridiculous that simply switching to doing a set of situps faster would result in such insomnia. In the future I simply can't do any strengthening exercises if I have to work the next day. Or on rare occasions I could then take something to help me sleep.

I laid there, not feeling particularly bad. But just with stuff firing in my brain. Feeling my heartbeat, etc. Like my insides were moving, moving, moving, outside of my control. Sleep was impossible. Finally called off and just read a book until I finally felt sleepy at 5AM. Slept from 5 till 10. Now I sit here feeling like I've done something wrong. Like I've been bad. (sigh). What the hell though? Who can't fall asleep until 5AM because they did a sit of setups at about 2pm?

If only my work days weren't 15 hours long, taking care of critically sick people.

On the plus side, my manuscript finally got accepted. To be published almost two years from now. Making it a literature review with nothing from the most recent 3 years, which is stupid.

Started exercise bike last monday. Tried it a second time on Wednesday. Crashed and burned on Friday run. Perhaps in part becuase not used to hitting legs three times a week. But then, perhaps also because it was just slower continuous biking for 40 minutes.

Friday run was 4/2 for 10 miles in 93:40. Previous was 92:20. Felt awful rest of Friday and into Saturday. Pullups on Friday were a half effort. Just did 9.
This Monday got back down to a 92:44. Then 2/2's on bike. Trying to go fast to teach my body to move faster. Just did 4 first time. Then overhead press-19. Dips 16. Although they hurt more. And a fast set of sit-ups. 35 done as fast as possible. Again, teach body to move fast. Arms at side.

The wine I made was a fail. Possibly the wrong kind of grapes. Also the grow lamp was a fail.

Listening to the music I wrote. 142 "songs", roughly 8 hours worth. Ahhh, the incredible injustice of it all. But then I also worked my butt off for a decade in college just to have my career destroyed. And far worse than that has happened. To me, that is. That which can't be described for example.

It's nothing new. Has happened to millions. Billions. More.

It's a coping mechanicsm that works except for making nothing at all matter.

The wine though appears to not have had enough grapes in it. Also knats managed to get in it. I'll have to try again. Although I'm unfortunately a teetotaler currently, so there's no hurry.

Well into The Blade Itself by Abercrombie. Somehow it's not too dark despite having a main character who's a torturer and whom is in such physical agony he hardly cares if he lives or dies himself. Somehow it's a good book. Just a little bit of magic. Magic is more of an ace up the sleeve of Bayaz that's rarely used. Logen also has his fighting skills ace. It's a pleasant book.

Lately I've spent a lot of time playing Oblivion: Sky Rim. It's the music that does it for me. I was really into the previous game too, although I eventually lost interest. It's quite the time suck and there's quite a bit of repetition just under the surface if you're looking for it. I'm trying to not look for it. Nice music. A silly thing to do though. Spending whole days recently by the fire playing this game. But in the last 20 years I've only played a couple Zelda and Oblivion games, so ultimately not really spending that much time on it. Will move on soon enough and probably not touch a video game for another year or two.

Overhead presses, Standing 13,15,17. Seated 15, 18 (70bls)
Dips 6, 9, 12, 14
Added set up situps (20 today with hands behind head) and exercise bike. Back when I last got down to 3:02 for half a mile I was working hard on the exercise bike. Now I'm well short of that speed.

Today 4/2 for 10 miles in 92:20. First mile I was 10 seconds slower in 3:40 (pitiful), at 3 miles I was 30 seconds slower. At 6 miles I was only 15 seconds slower. At 7 miles I was 5 seconds faster and at 10 I finished 38 seconds faster. I wasn't trying to pace myself better. My body just did so on it's own.

So in roughly November I did 2/2's for 12 miles twice a week and lasted a month before my right knee really started hurting. (And my back after laying down for 4 or so hours.) Ran slower for a couple months then over the last 3 or so weeks did 2:30/2:00's for 10 miles twice a week. Despite being a lot more carefuul, my right knee is again hurting. Far, far less than last time, but I can see where this is going. Also my back could feel better, same issue with it bothering me with sleep, although much less so.

Seems I need to slow down a bit more and what I'm hoping is that I just need to run more aerobically/less anerobically. Less torso twisting, less arm swinging. So today did a 4/2 for 10 miles in 92:58. There's this good feeling one can get from running, which doesn't start to kick in apparently until you've run for at least 4 minutes stretches. Felt it just a little for the first time in a long time.

Finished Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons and have nothing additional to say. All in all, definitely not as good as a fantasy ficiton book. With the modern setting it's just fiction, not fantasy fiction, no matter these creatures with their Ability. The creatures aren't really interesting anyway. And there's no mystery.

The Blade Itself (Book one) by Joe Abercrombie
Like the sample. Told from the point of view (first person-good) of a torturer, who's in the middle of torturing someone. What is it about torture that's so nice to read about? Have I ever read a book with torture in it that I didn't like? Geez.

I should make a list of all the books I've read that had torture in it, that I liked. I should probably put a torture scene in the book I'm "writing".

Off the top of my head, Hobb's Farseer, etc series, Vance's emphryio, Leiber's Grey Mouser, Abercrombie's Blade Itself.... eh. It's there over and over again but it's strange how little a lasting impression, something so ghastly leaves. I've surely forgotten it over and over again. Drizzt and Brent Weeks must have surely had it...

Some changes:

The greatest absurdity of our age is that we have a news media that is entirely owned by billionaires. To increase the diversity of opinions, we should have some organizations that are funded by tax dollars that are supposed to be "biased" in different directions than the corporate media. The main result of this would be that to some extent we'd go in a socialist direction. More laws regulating business, more worker protections, shorter work hours, less pollution, actual unions, protectionism at times, more breaking up of monopolies, greatly increase taxes, etc.

Additionally:

1. Laws to give us some actual communities. For example, make it such that people can't spend all day in their car, instead put things within walking distance. In general, just actually think about the concept of community and make laws that will increase the amount of interaction we have with the people who actually live around us. Currently we have isolation, little reason to interact, and not much reason at all to give a crap about others. Greatly decreasing our use of cars is also important to reduce our dependency on the oil of slave dictatorships, and to reduce pollution.

2. Universal health care and close down the slow suicide restaurants. Regulate the food industry much closer. For example, make trans fat illegal, better investigation of plastics leaching into foods/liquids, etc.

3. Actually regulate the pharmaceutical industry. No new drugs unless they actually are shown to be beneficial. Regulate their excessive profits also. Possibly just nationalize the whole industry.

4. Quit the subsidies that have artificially deflated the cost of meat. Also get rid of factory farming conditions, (the crowding, the routine hormones and antibiotics, etc.)

5. The truth will be learned about imperialism and it will be stopped. Whether it be by the structural adjustment programs/austerity measures of the international monetary fund/world bank or the CIA funneling weapons, etc to rightwing factions. Such will be stopped. As will support of any dictatorships.

6. Quit being friendly with nations that treat women like cattle. Instead economic sanctions, and probably more.

7. Regulation of reproduction. You've got dumbasses who have 6 welfare kids and apparently the only alternative is a majority that tries to stop the eccentric from having any. No, it is actually possible to do something inbetween these two absurd extremes. It may piss people off, but you can have chaos or you can have civilization. Laws are the basis of civilization. Without laws you have chaos. The ultimate result of chaos is a moon landscape. If instead you want civilization, quit acting like a child who doesn't want to go to bed every time you hear of a law you don't want to obey.

8. Get rid of the one size fits all approach in education. For each subject you instead go at whatever pace fits the child. Get teachers who have actual degrees in real subjects, not just "teaching degrees". Give them more money and raise the standards of who can be a teacher. And then, give them more power. Make school something other than a holding pen. Fail more children. More discipline of children. Less fear of the backlash from the parent who is usually as big a dumbass as their stupid, rude child.

9. Nationalize college. Make it free and not for profit. And make less of it. Too many people are going to college. Instead more vocational schools training you for a very specific job where the job is all lined up for you, provided you finish the schooling. College has become too much of a big business. Too many unemployed people have degrees and owe tens of thousands in college loans.

10.

Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons
Called one of the three best/scariest? books ever by Steven King. It's a long book and a page turner. Not perfect. He doesn't set a scene like King would. At times it has impressive character insights/detail. In particular when in the mind of Melanie Fuller. And she is rather chilling. Hard to know what to say really. 75% in. The FBI action scenes are a bit drawn out. In general the whole thing is starting to feel a bit drawn out. Long books should have a certain decadent feel to them. Dan Simmons ultimately just doesn't come across like a very decadent guy. Not like Steven King at times, or Anne Rice could manage. This ultimately doesn't have quite the feel to warrant it just going on and on. It's not that fun being in the hero's skin. The setting isn't escapist or nostalgic. It is a page turner though. Still, I think that alone doesn't warrant it going on and on like it's doing.

Called a vampire book on that best fantasy books list site. I wouldn't call it that. The important thing to me for being a vampire is virtual immortality. These creatures only maybe live a little bit longer than the norm. Or at least that's what appears to be the case as of 75% in. Although Fuller is suspecting otherwise, but she's perhaps just crazy.

My ten mile 2:30/2:00 twice a week interval run: 99:50, 98:40, 96:00. Wasn't expecting such an improvement. Once a week overhead presses (70lbs) followed by dips, then three days later pullups and shrugs. 13, 15, 17 (but bothers my back a bit, will try doing them seated) 6, 9 (dips). 6, 8, 9 (pullups). Just 120 lbs for the shrugs yesterday and feeling it in my back a bit today during run. Will do the same next week though as I ought to get the back strength back at least to handle that much weight.

What does my god bid me to do? Must I be strong. Must I continuously earn your conditional love?

There are many gods. Mine likes me much more than you. Others certainly hate me and perhaps are more powerful. But I, we, bide our time, to another world perhaps. But, here matters still, as things are far more continuous than many realize...

That they may ridicule means nothing. Because I ridicule them in return.

Lucia Di Lammermoor played very loud in the car. Broccoli for dinner.

I am special. I matter. Because my god loves me conditionally. He loves me, but not you.

Invent this, to continue on. Conscious mysticism. Whatever. Perhaps a mirror of me, that's really really big! A picture of power, that's on my side. That cares about me. That gives life some sort of vague reason. What reason? Ultimately the same as even a self proclaimed atheist would have.

Thought about dying a hell of a lot today. The whole low sperm thing seems to have upset me a bit. And/or having to give up alcohol, and eating fish. Yuch. Dunno. Thought about death too much. What more does this life hold for me between here and death anyway? Possibly not much of anything. I know it's coming eventually. Something quite bad's going to happen eventually. (sigh) Although I can think of worse things than dying.

Also somewhat unhappy with research meeting today. I find it reassuring to think my bosses intelligent. Not reassured so much today.

But then turned happy this evening. For no good reason. Perhaps because there was some actual sun today and it shown upon me. Who knows? My unconscious knows. Do I really want to know? I guess not. Everything would unravel then. Just thinking about it makes me want to have a beer. Not as some stereotype, but actually really wanting to go have (a couple) beers. But I can't.

All this beer and wine I've been brewing and now I can't drink it.

Swords and Deviltry by Fritz Leiber
Called a short story collection but that's not really true. Follows Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser before they meet. Skips very slighty over when they first reach Lankhmar then continues with the two hero's together. Good book.

Has a torture scene. (Why are those always the best books?) The Grey Mouser being tortured by the duke. Through black magic he survives/escapes. The two hero's are basically interesting. Fafhrd escaping a barbaric upbringing through some intelligence. Both though are slighty stupid but in a fun way. Almost just fun and lighthearted, except that main characters do actually die gruesome deaths.

Eh. Think I'll continue with the 7 book series.

Not in first person. (But how could that work anyway with two equally prominent main characters whom are together?) The Grey Mouser at least sort of has an ace up his sleeve. Or at least one hopes/expects. Ultimately though they just get lucky in book one. One would like to think the Grey Mouser will become a great wizard. And that Fafhrd will develop some ninjawhatever abilities. They do suffer injustice. The Grey Mouser more so, but both to an extent.

Not entirely devoid of deeper thoughts. The particulars of Fafhrd's dystopian upbringing are somewhat interesting.

Ten months ago I had a semen analysis where I was told that things were somewhat abnormal but basically OK. Two days ago a new doctor actually told me the truth of that semen analysis. By the Kruger criteria I'm at 1%, which is a poor prognosis. I'm quite annoyed I was lied to. For a good part of the last ten months my wife has been talking fertility drugs while I've been doing nothing. Yet now that I know I'm only 1% I've read online of many things I could have been doing to possibly improve the situation. I read of one person who went from 1 to 22%. How incredibly annoying.

So along with supplements, boxers, teetotaling and avoiding high estrogen foods, I'm going to eat fish. I know that women vegans start menarche later and enter menopause sooner. I suspect men have similar issues. Generally the longer lived for any species, the less energy put into reproducing. I'm not happy about it. But for a while at least, it's what I'm going to do.

If still unsuccessful, think I'll adopt older children. Old enough that I know who they are. My own father was/is? a monster. I could potentially have monster children. If I instead adopt a ten to 12 year old I can avoid that.

2:30/2:00 ten miles in 99:50.

So the grow lamp room was a fail. The papyrus is barely growing. The hyacinths have just held on and everything else that survived I've moved to a sunlite window. I was looking forward to bountiful verdancy in January, oh well. Metal Halide, or at least this particular metal halide...? doesn't work much at all. But perhaps I just got a crappy product? I can't imagine people successfully growing marijuana with this lamp.... (Not that i would, just that's what comes to mind most usually wtih grow lamps...)

When I look online there are endless companies selling grow lamps. But I can't find anything that has decent reviews or shows plants really actually growing well. (sigh), perhaps I just bought the wrong product. Perhaps I didn't search well enough.

But then perhaps it's the soil? I don't know.

Did successfully sprout avocadoes, mangos, pear, cherry and lemon seeds. Looks like they'll live although not growing a lot as they don't get a lot of sunlight. Grape, blueberry and blackberry sprouted and then eventually died.

Dystopian people (primarily) in a "utopian" world. The dystopian interactions and psychology will be relevant to our world. But it will be a low technology world with magic. Too much dystopia would make it really hard for anyone to keep reading. Real dystopia is sitting around watching TV, not interacting with any other human beings. Would be difficult to make a worthwhile story from that.

Can't believe 5 days have passed. Did my third 2:30/2:00 interval run. Which I've gone back to just running twice a week after one week of trying more. (It just really works.) This has been in the tunnel and I've made nice improvement. Actually quite an improvement this time. But also cutting back to beer only 3 or 4 days a week. (Wine on the other days, usually.) With third run, I got almost 2 tunnel lengths ahead. Just going for 100 minutes, which is working just fine. Surely if Roger Bannister could manage a 4 minute mile on 25 miles a week, I should be able to manage pretty well on 20 miles a week.

http://bestfantasybooks.com/top25-fantasy-books.php
1: A Game of Thrones (George Martin) Read.
2: The Malazan Book of the Fallen (Steven Erikson) Read first 200 pages. Military fiction
3: The Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss) Read
4: Lord of the Rings (J.R.R Tolkien) Read.
5: The Black Company (Glen Cook) Not on kindle. Really disliked Instrumentalities.
6: Gormenghast (Mervyn Peake) Read.
7: The Blade Itself (Joe Abercrombie) Not yet
8: The Way of Kings (Brandon Sanderson) Not yet, have read Mistborn
9: The Farseer (Robin Hobb) Read
10: Lies of Locke Lamora (Scott Lynch) Currently reading but not really liking.
11: The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan) Read
12: Cold Fire Trilogy (C.S. Friedman) Read and hardly remember.
13: The Long Price Quartet (Daniel Abraham) Read
14: The Etched City (K.J. Bishop) Read
15: A Sword of Shadows (J.V. Jones) Read
16: Acacia (David Anthony Durham) Read 34%. Where's the magic?
17: Elric of Melinbone (Michael Moorcock) Read a tiny bit
18: The Darkness That Comes Before (R. Scott Bakker) Read
19: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell (Susanna Clarke) Read
20: Chronicles of Thomas Covenant (Stephen R. Donaldson) Read a bit. Yuck.
21: American Gods (Neil Gaiman) Haven't read. Biased against him.
22: Abhorsen Trilogy (Garth Nix) Read. Easily forgotten.
23: Memory, Sorrow, Thorn (Tad Williams) Read a tiny bit. Not impressed.
24: Magician: Apprentice and Magician (Raymond E. Feist). Haven't read yet.
25: Dresden Files (Jim Butcher) Read a bit. eh.
I guess that leaves Feist, Gaiman, Abercrombie Butcher and Sanderson.

26. Earthsea Cycle by Ursula Le Guin. Can't recall having read it...
27. Amber Chronicles by Zelazny. Long ago. Audio book. Enjoyed.
28. Mistborn by Sanderson. Read
29. The Warded Man by Peter Brett. Not yet.
30. Riddle of Stars by Patricia McKillip. Not yet.
31. The Magicians by Lev Grossman. Read.
32. The Dark Tower by Stephen King. Read
33. A Kingdom of Thorn and Bone by Greg Keyes. Not yet.
34. His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman. Read.
35. Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay. Read.
36. The Seven Waters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. Not yet.
37. The Mythago Wood by Robert Holdstock. Not yet.
38. The Way of the Shadows by Brent Weeks. Read. Loved. What a low rank.
39. Tales of the Otori by Lian Hearn. Not yet.
40. Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover. Read some. Didn't like sci fi/fantasy split.
41. Legend by David Gemmell. Read.
42. The Swan's War by Sean Russell. Not yet.
43. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson. Not yet.
44. Kushiel's Dart by Jaqueline Carey. Partial read...
Only read a few from 45 to 69...

OK, so that's Lian Hearn, Sean Russell, Robert Holdstock, Juliet Marillier, Greg Keyes, Ursula Le Guin, Particia McKillip and I suppose Peter Brett, whom I started but wasn't impressed by.

Yesterday I had my best day ever as a fiction writer. Bauhaus' The Passion of Lovers gave me inspiration. Something about the beginning of that song gets me going. Having a lot of free time, and few good books left to read also really helped a lot.

A problem was how to make a hellish dystopian setting into something people would actually want to read. A possible solution is adding mystery at the beginning. The mystery I thought of was, just what is he? Is he even human? This is hopefully something to keep the pages turning through the misery.

Written much further about this elsewhere. Little reason to speak at all here, cept in 39 years, this was the best I managed. Hopefully it will continue, there isn't really much else to do, you know? Run, garden....

Got my wireless speakers today. Now the whole house is up for sound. Plan on putting at least one outside in the spring and planting my bamboo grove. Then I'll just about be ready to die. (Which is just the right time to really start writing fiction.)

Got a stomach virus. For me, throwing up is generally agony. Threw up first time at 8AM yesterday and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does. Was thinking maybe the running has made throwing up a bit easier. But, I never get it all up with the first bout of vomit. I usually spend about 12 hours in agony before finally throwing up a second time and just about dying in the process.

This time, I never threw up again. I almost did at one point and it hurt very very very bad. Bad enough that I wondered why bother being alive? Which that's usually what I always wonder when this happens. Usually though I wonder that for hours on end in agony. This time I just had a brief moment where that happened and where I went from my skin being dry to drenched in sweat, literally dripping sweat, in about 30 seconds. Also I recall I started hearing a fuzzy sound in my ears. And then, suddenly, surprisingly and so very blessedly, I felt a lot better, and laid down on the bathroom floor and slept for a few hours. Then went to bed, never throwing up a second time, yet slowly getting better. Thank ...

Even called work to go in today from 3 to 7 (so that I can go to that party at S's later.) Hoping to poop out the remaining pestilence here shortly.

It seems I usually do this once every winter. I need to get a nasal gastric tube and suction supplies. I plan on just putting such a tube into my stomach on my own and sucking it all out next time. Absolutely would prefer that to vomiting/lying in agony for 12 hours or more, etc. I could definitely see dying one of these years from these vomiting bouts. They are very taxing along with being agony.

Fevre Dreams by George Martin
I thought the captain just a bit far on the stupid side and combining vampires with steamboats seemed a bit ... I don't know, childish?? But it was ultimately a story that pulled you in. Although some have called it as much a historical novel as a horror novel I didn't think the setting was quite detailed enough. But extreme injustice comes in at about 50% and one just doesn't want to stop reading until the injustice ends, which happens finally at the very end. Doesn't end as well as I would have liked, but I definitely seen worse. Definitely more of a page turner than I've read in quite a while.

I want an ideal of a very detailed setting that is still a page turner. Mervyn Peake for example had great detail and a story that's stuck with me very strongly, but it really wasn't a page turner. This became a page turner because of the level of injustice that occurs to adequately developed characters but I think there was more potential for bringing mid 19th century New Orleans to life.

One turns the pages in the beginning waiting for the Abner Marsh (the steamboat captain) to figure out the mystery of his "cocaptain", who's name I no longer remember. Not too long after he learns all, (that he's a vampire-like creature who's invented a drink whereby his fellows never need kill anyone again), the injustice begins which keeps us turning the pages.

It's a good formula. Maybe don't start the injustice too soon, wait till they care enough about the characters. Use mystery instead in the beginning.

Lovecraft Unbound. Got to two really good stories finally. Michael Chabon (In the Black Mill) and Joyce Carol Oates. (I have an Oates book or two lying around I've always avoided because she's popular and thus, to be dismissed...) The Chabon got me thinking though and the beginning of the Oates one, more so. About dark rituals, rituals of slow suicide and other destructive actions that speak to our nonsconscious belief in bloodthirsty gods.

Perhaps it's all connected. Nonconscious mysticism. Nonconscious slow suicide. And maybe belief in the old Inca type gods isn't really dead.

But even if it's a load of BS, it makes for a good short story, that might cause people to think, hopefully. In the Black Mill reminds of coal miners and factory workers whom live as if they're without hope, or like they just enjoy killing themselves?

And then with Oates, I haven't finished it yet, but it sparked my mind to think of the ritual of college. I don't know what's going to happen but I suspect someone's going to die while 30,000 cheer on. Like ritual capitalism. A ritual that speaks to our continued nonconscious belief in bloodthirsty gods.

Think of the ritual of cheeseburgers and so on. My own mom who is going to literally die before she eats a piece of broccoli. And sister. And endless patients I take care of, all obese, perhaps just ignorant. (Or is that willful ignornance?)

Hard to care much when no one else does.

It's not that the ritual is meaningless, it's that it speaks to our nonconsious, and within our nonconsious what do we find? Boogie men. Ghosts. Various things to fear. And perhaps an overriding belief in destruction.

So we perform rituals to placate the fear of our animal mind. Rituals to placate the bloodthirsty gods. And rituals that give the truth to the meaninglessness of our lives.

Going to try to do a very long continuous run once a week, along with two interval sessions. Did first continuous run last night, except for being heckled three times and semi-attacked by a dog once, and having stomach upset near the end, it was pretty good. Just 128 minutes for this first time. I'd roughly guess 10 minute miles. Just taking it easy. Ran all the way to the trail access and then almost 2 miles on it, then back. In the dark. In future will run on trail and while it's light to decrease heckling and god attacks. Hoping to run all the way from the fort to the next city, which is 19 miles away. In the next month or so.

Last week ran four days with 5 lb dumbells. This was first time running more than twice a week along with first time in more than a year I used dumbells.

Previously it gave me insomnia. And finally on the 4th day, it did so again.

And insomnia combined with running 14 hours straight, for three days in a row, taking care of very sick people, is truly hell.

I've now had a few days of decent sleep and I've all kinds of upper body muscle from the dumbells. But that's just absolutely not going to work. I don't know why upper body exercise so often gives me insomnia but I think I'm going to slowly get a pretty wimpy upper body as I just can't stand that insomnia. Not in the job I have.

Today ran 2/2's on treadmills at 9.2/3.2mph. Just started using the treadmill as can't stand the weather. And now actually I'm curious about my speed throughout my interval sessions. Only did 5 miles today. 9.2 mph would be about a 20min 5k.

The way to interact in 2012 in the industrialized world is to give affirmations to whatever anyone says. Who cares whether or not they're right or wrong? It doesn't matter. The truth is useless. What matters is feeling good about yourself. And that happens only by others agreeing with you.

There is a feeling of being utterly alone, disconnected from all, that makes sleep very difficult. Alternatively there is instead a feeling of being connected somehow. I mean literally that my brain is somehow telepathically or morphogenically connected that gives reassurance. Perhaps it's just my nonconscious. Or perhaps it is an actual connection. (Twin studies of brain wave activity suggest it might be...) Whichever it may be, things start happening in my brain that are not being caused by my conscious. As they happen I relax and sleep can come.

And to lay here and think there is a connection helps it start happening. (Although far less important than proper physical activity and correct eating.)

"You have to try! You have to care!"

Oh my I wrote some halfway decent music there. One of these days I suspect I'll give it another go. Perhaps no software though. Maybe another year or so of cello practice... Just might even try to play live. Bloch's Prayer is coming along, I could see really actually enjoying playing it live and thus hopefully someday enjoying playing my own original compositions...

And so, wanted to reminesce about how way back in 1992 or 1993? I lived in Crete and there was this lady I only thought of as a friend, whom forever assumed I was thinking of as more. As did many others, which was all rather annoying. Such crude, barbaric people. Anyway, she was somewhat standoffish towards me. But one day she had it in her head to actually meet me halfway and be friendly and came to my room late one evening and in response I suddenly started acting a bit violent. Not towards her but with objects towards a wall and so on. It's a bit murky in my head just what I was doing. But she quickly left. Sarcastically said, "Impressive" I do recall as she was leaving. As she walked down the stairs that were on the outside of the building. I threw some trophy down to the ground far below (we were on the third floor). I think that's maybe when she said, "impressive" sarcastically.

Why, oh why, would I act in such an awful manner?

Thinking back, it was because I knew that there was no way this would work, no matter what, it had no chance, and I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming urge to destroy it myself, instead of watching helplessly as it was destroyed despite my efforts to save it. So it was that I wanted to not be helpless.

And I was very much in the throes, perhaps, a very strong perhaps as I may just be making this all up entirely at this point, of belief in an evil god (on a nonconscious level) that was against me, that was destroying everything in my life. I was angry at it. And if I instead was the one doing the destroying, it shewed (lovecraftian!) that at least I KNEW what was going on....

Never any violence whatsoever was directed towards this women. Or any other, FWIW.

But somehow that moment popped into my head and I forgot why I acted in such a manner.... I think Kundera maybe touched on this idea in The Joke, concerning misremembering the past and persecuting ourselves as a result. But I can't really remember. That one single glass of wine at lunch hit me hard for some unknown reason. I wonder if certain foods play a role.

Reading a coupe of short story collections "inspired" by Lovecraft. Somewhat unsatisfying. Prefer a nice long decadent book. But then do like Lovecraft and have been unsatisfied with books lately. Thinking fantasy fiction is about finished. No one else is Robin Hobb. Although Brent Weeks was decent. And Rothfuss' second book was pretty good. Otherwise I'm just a bit underwhelmed it seems. Thinking to look into gothic and/or "steampunk" I guess. Or possibly write my own damm books, unlikely though.

Started running more often, because I'd like to sleep a bit better. Also I do like consistency I guess. I don't know. Running every single day off from work will get old. So far, feeling very good though.

Also started running again with a 5lb weight in each hand. Unlike a backpack, you do get a substantial increase in speed this way, or so past personal experience seems to indicate. Also will build a bit of upper body muscle and if it ultimately slows me down a bit, who cares? After a year of hard work I can't even run a mile in under 6 minutes. I'm not so fast that it matters.

I run so that work is easier and so that I can sleep well and just because being capable of running decently is an essential part of life as this flexh and blood creature, blah, blah, blah. Don't really have to maximize speed....

So those hops in beer, they really do decrease libido. I never thought I'd care, but actually I'd really rather not have my libido decreased thanks so much. Also a depressant. And maybe decrease athletic performance. (Because of the estrogen?) So ordered some unhopped malt extract today, as I can't find any unhopped beer to buy. Also planning on "priming" my wine (adding a bit of sugar before bottling to make it champagne or an asti or whatever.) Thinking of just using a lemon as a preservative for the unhopped beer as that supposedly works just fine for wine. Rather not be ordering mugwort, yarrow root, etc online... We shall see.

There is also the question of how much it really matters to use certain special types of yeast as opposed to just what they have at the grocery store.

Anyway, the online info is unsatisfactory. Most are ignorant concerning gruit, think hops some essential ingredient.

It seems 16 mile interval runs are really mentally tough. Hard to stay with them. But then each third week really should be easier anyway.... My right lung is hurting a bit. But then I found out the hops in beer have estrogen in them. And read of a small informal study that found men's running was hurt by beer while women improved. So I stopped drinking beer (which is an anti-inflammatory) and now my right lung hurts.

Really don't like wine or spirits and amazingly no one at all is making gruit locally. All the beer has hops. Such is this world. So I must get on the ball and start brewing my own unhopped beer. I noticed a difference in my libido immediately when I stopped... Not sure how much it really has to do with the lung issue of course. Have been very lax concerning flax meal lately....

Some deformed creature in love with perfect woman. Sees so clearly in his mind who he SHOULD have been and the life he should have had with this woman. He tries to convince himself that she should still SEE, and goes after her. She doesn't remotely see though of course.

My life as a cow. A banal tale. What about it made it worthy of being a story...? It flickers in my mind.... Extremely high intellect in horrific conditions. What could you possibly do if indeed your mind was born into the body of a factory cow? Absolutely nothing. I imagine you're out there practicing wind sprints and trying to hide....

Wish I could remember that other. Used to have endless such (vague) ideas that seemed as if they could make great stories. Never did. Hadn't had them much at all really in many years. Had them a lot lately.

Blood of Ambrose by James Enge
This one is very promising. The start is in first person and reminds of Robin Hobb's Farseer trilogy. It jumps to other characters and out of first person while still in the sample. But so far so good....

Sabriel by Garth Nix
Finished this a while ago and don't have anything to add beyond what I previously said. Think it continued like that. I don't remember. Didn't hold me enough to remember.

Acacia: The War with the Mein by David Anthony Durham
Promising except that 34% and there's no magic at all, yet. There is the suggestion that magic once was in the world and perhaps it might be rediscovered. But that's not a lot to work with 34% in. There isn't much of a feel of a hero with an ace up his sleeve. I'm hoping there will be... but the author hasn't given me much reason to hope. Without magic, what's the point anyway? The social norms aren't anything particularly different at all. Why not just write about Henry the 8th or the hundred years war? I'm hoping magic will come back I guess.

City of Saints and Madmen by Jeff Vandermeer
Lots of setting detail but the trick is to get that detail in while still advancing the plot. By the end of the sample nothing much really has happened. Maybe should continue this one though.... Reminds me somewhat of Jack Vance, although maybe trying too hard.

Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover
This started out in the middle ages with an assasin trying to kill a king. And it was really enjoyable. I guess I middle age assasins. Like Brent Weeks. Funny as I find it miserable to write about assasins myself. But then it turned out it was some virtual reality thing and it's really some science fiction, including a vernacular way of speaking that's extremely annoying. So much for this.

Tome of the Undergates (The Aeons' Gate Book 1) by Sam Sykes

In some ways this was a bit refreshing/interesting. But the sample has gone way overboard on the dialogue. Too much hot air. And ultimately a bit too unrealistic. It's like the banter a creative husband and wife will do but occurring in the middle of a pirates attacking a ship and between an entire crew of adventurers and ultimately just... I don't know. Weird and ultimately quickly getting boring as the action is advancing way too slow relative to the repetitive dialogue.

Started my first batch of beer. Just a standard brew, basically just following the direction and throwing some packets/cans into some water. But have more interesing plans in the future. Want to experiment with beer that doesn't use hops. Instead gruit, etc.

Also plan on making wine. Maybe even today.

So basically yeast turns sugar into alcohol. And that's it. Beer is barley, hops, yeast, and sugar. The wine recipe I'm going to do is grapes, sugar, lemons and yeast. And it really sounds like gruit would be better than hops.

It seems higher volume with a bit less intensity/speed may work better. That seems to be my experience anyway and as such started doing two 16 mile interval runs each week. So far my times have been 2:49, 2:47 and 2:42. Paced myself much better this third run. It's a 2:30/1:25 interval and slowly decreasing the rest period with each run as again, I'm going at least somewhat more towards volume and away from intensity. While I decrease the rest interval it may make it appear that I'm making more improvement than I actually am.

Should expect my improvement to quickly diminish to less than a minute each time. And it will be hard to continue doing such long runs then. Will maybe have to avoid timing myself most times. And try to remember that this stuff really makes me feel better. That hard work is good in and of itself, whether or not one improves anyway. And that running is just such a fundamental part of the experience of being human. And that to be able to run fast with relatively little effort is a beautiful feeling.

Going to also try to practice the cello for 3 hours at a time. Although have procrastinated at cello more this last week than at any time previous in the last 18 months. Possibly in part because of this decision. And I haven't done it even once yet. In part because my wife is on a vacation and wouldn't appreciate me going off to play cello for 3 hours instead of being with her.