You can only be friends with your equals in this world.

Reactionarism-to only look at one side of an argument and put yourself as far from it as possible. Never look at the whole picture. So for example atheists pretending death and ceasing to exist isn't a problem in reaction to the excesses of organized religion. My own, giving people waaaay too much benefit of doubt. In reaction to the rightwing mindset which is always suspicious and dismissive, always assuming the worst. In reaction I assumed the best, I believed in people... who were pretty clearly just fucking nuts. I believed in the intelligence of people who clearly had terminal stupiditis. I believed in the goodness of people who never showed any. And I got burned over and over. Because what, I was being the opposite of the rightwinger. Instead of finding the balance, I was being a reactionary.

The Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks
Extremely epic. A hero who suffers great injustice but then gets special powers such that he's got one hell of an ace up his sleeve. Eventually saving the world. Was reminded of Conan the Barbarian strongly at the end with the ferali and vurdmeisters. Was reminded of so many epic fantasy stories. They all start to blend together eventually. The same story over and over with different parts left out from one telling to the next.

Was annoyed by the jumping from scene to scene at crucial moments (like that ass G Martin). Also I'm tired of it always being about the kings. I want to hear about some artisan. And not an artisan who ends up a king. An artisan that despite having an ace up his sleeve continues being a part of life as it's lived by 99% of people.

This also could use more pain, more delving into the results of the injustice, and more detail.

FMI, magical artifacts and people with magical abilites (good) and vir (evil magic). People quest for power crushing all in their paths. Bunch of war scenes (yawn). And finally in the most epic way possible good truimphs by the power of love! (slight eyeroll, haven't I heard this one before?).

Thanks to the dictionary function of kindle I now know what 'pince-nez' means. A word I had previously looked up multiple times but always forgot. Also 'wen' and 'antipodes'. I love the kindle.

The Name of the Wind: The Kingkiller by Patrick Rothfuss
Similar to Harry Potter with a less detailed world. Just a generic medieval setting. But the hero isn't as dull as Potter.

So then:
1. Ace up his sleeve.
2. Stereotypical bad guys with plenty of injustice.
3. Vague magic
4. Odds and ends
5. I guess the music stuff was kind of nice. He plays the lute really well.

It was only book one, didn't realize the series wasn't finished. It's pretty unremarkable. Run of the mill escapist fantasy. I barely care to write about it but I want to make sure I don't forget I read it and do so again in 5, 10 years.

What would make it better?
A more detailed world.
More pain. The hero is put through hell but he doesn't seem affected enough by it.
More realistic people. So many of the side charaters are pitiful cardboard.

I went from 1 to 1.3 miles in the strength shoes and suddenly I have a bunch of soreness in my calves despite making such slow increases and never having any previously. I guess I relaxed my stride a bit and was getting more of a calf stretch.

Was thinking that I suppose one person's enough. Wrong though it is. Vile though it is. Oh well.

Running for at least 2.5 miles straight a few times a week increases my happiness: movement is effortless, energy is almost endless.
Using my upper body ergometer for 20 minutes straight a few times a week ditto: movement is effortless.
Playing a drone and beat continously while practicing cello: can fall in so far.
Kindle, kindle, kindle: Utterly superior to books made of paper.
Lok snuggles: it's like a freaking tiger, so muscular, so rough, purrs so loud, so loving.
Parents living with me: this is how it's supposed to be.
Avoiding wheat products: increased energy.
Avoiding coffee: decreased feelings of stress.
Wonderful wife: how lucky I am to take the most important thing for granted.

Perhaps the choice to eat crap is really a sort of slow suicide. Basically unconscious but still real. It's like the stress relief of suicide without the negative of immediately dying. That part will take decades. The symbolic act of it, the shrugging off of this world, is more enjoyable than the short term physical pleasure of the actual food. The statement that this world is crap anyway, why would I want to live to be a healthy eighty year old? Stuff yourself full of crap and then lay there hardly able to move, or at least certainly not wanting to, what is this?

This is that you want to be somewhere else. Not here. Not this world. You want to be elsewhere. Distract yourself from the truth. And soon enough leave the truth behind forever.

Yes.

Although stretching before exercise decreases performance and their is no evidence it decreases injury I've found that it immediately makes my knees feel better.

Strayed away from longer distance running and found myself lacking energy. So back to longer runs. Say a 2.5 mile continous to start, then followed by short rest and going as far as relatively comfortable at half a mph faster. When I can manage 2 miles at faster speed, repeat cycle. Probably not really the best cycle.

Slowly, carefully working into strength shoes. Up to 0.7 miles at 5.7mph. No soreness at all. Will try a mile at 6mph on Thursday.

I can flip the exercise bike upside down and use it as an ergometer. Doing so for 20 minutes about 3 times a week.

Riding the exercise bike just for 10 minutes about 3 times a week. Emphasizing speed as opposed to a high level of resistance in trying to get better crossover to jogging.

Quit drinking coffee. Partially thanks to a somewhat biased book. Coffee Blues. Still eating chocolate though and don't plan on stopping.

Also trying to avoid wheat, because I think it constipates me. Instead eating potatoes as my main starch. I guess oatmeal and corn otherwise.

I think perhaps my stepfather has aspergers? I don't think of that being a condition someone from nepal would have. But I suppose it describes his behavior, for what it's worth. He really can be hell to be around. And the thing is he refuses to face how rude he is. Him being rude is just not a possibility to him. Endlessly interrupting others is fine. Criticizing people however is fine. ("I'm just being honest!") He was hell to be with at the hospital. I've never seen any patient act like him. It's hell to hear how he speaks to people on the phone here at my house.

I wonder how much I've become like him. How could I not? This is what I've been around my whole life. I wonder who I might have been and where I might be if I had had someone a bit more normal for a parent.

Mistaken concerning stretching. Randomized controlled trials may show that done before competition it decreases performance and there may be no proof it decreases injury but it actually does make my knees feel better. Immediately so even. Especially 10 hours into a hard 13 hour work shift.

In part from reading Roger Bannister's autobiography I completely got rid of the slower running and was just doing intervals and that was a mistake. Running at a basically comfortable speed has to be the basis of a running regime. Doing so gives a positive carryover into the rest of one's life. Gives stamina. Interval training seems to just make me want to lay around and do nothing.

Bought strength shoes hoping to help my knees, right knee especially. Ran in them for third time today. Did half a mile. Years ago I had such extreme soreness just from running a lap. The bicycling I think has my calves more able to handle the shoes this time. Barely any soreness at all so far.

Reading The China Study has me wanting to get back to perfect veganism and also a lower fat diet. Also some constipation (having to push a bit) that eventually I figure will lead to hemmorhoids if I don't make an intervention. Also worry about BPH. So I got rid of bread, pasta and a bunch of fat and now when I stand up I almost pass out. Also had serious gastric upset the other day. (Of course at work. The worst possible time. What hell it is to feel bad in the middle of a 13 hour work day trying to take care of very sick people.) Strangely reducing my fat intake has always resulted in feeling lightheaded. I don't think it's the lack of total calories. I eat a bit of fat and always feel better. And I know it's not just a short term adjustmental issue as I've stuck with such a diet for up to a year.

The China study is a bit vague on whether the optimum diet is low fat, low protein, or simply vegan. The two aren't necessarily the same.

Bored because you don't perceive all the details and thus classify it as the same old thing.

Not bored because you don't remember that it's the same old thing.

Not bored because you don't have much of a classification system. You don't realize that this is just a slightly different variation of the same old thing.

There is something very pleasurable in seeing all the minute detail, in being myopic, in focusing one's concentration for a long time period upon something quite small. To go in the other direction is to ultimately stand face to face with The Nothing, to see that everything reduces down to the same old thing. And that this same old thing is all that there is, in every direction that you may look. No matter how far back you stand and how large the view is, that's all there is.

There may be a wisdom in taking this step back and having such an understanding of the essential nature of the whole world through such an extreme classification system, but it is at the same time, seems to destroy all meaning in life.

It is rational and it leads to nihilism. The same as a true rationality concerning death means nihilism. Total rationalism = nihilism.

So then one must be myopic. One must pull back from such an extreme classification system. One must enjoy the minutiae of differences and swim forever within them. One must, in other words, hold back the ultimate understanding, one must hold back from total rationality.

The same as one can't truly be an atheist. To really remove all mysticism from our subconscious and from all our daily motivations, would mean perfect nihilism and one must instead, unfortunately, embrace some degree of mysticism, one must hold back from total rationality.

Awful to say. But better than nihilism or hypocrisy.

It's interesting to me that of all the longer term interactions I've had that ended ugly, the only ones that really stick in my head are the ones that were primarily just emails/online interactions. The people I've known in the real world, I really KNEW. And as such when they (eventually) did whatever ugly thing they did, it wasn't really a surprise and I didn't really need to dwell too much upon it. Because I understood whom I was dealing with. Quite simply put: in five minutes spent talking about the weather, I can tell someone's limitations, I can tell what they'll never understand, what they'll never think is even worth thinking about, what kind of mistakes they're going to spend their life making. Sounds awfully judgmental but FWIW it is combined with a positivity, with an interest in seeing to what heights a person can be pushed...

But with the online people there is a lack of adequate information and I just don't know what is and what isn't beyond a person. And so when they eventually fail I end up pondering and pondering how it could be?

Based on their emails I think I must have done my best to assume the best. To fill in what was missing in a positive fashion. I think I practiced the golden rule. I think I acted like it was me, myself, a year previous/later, when it wasn't.

I think furthermore it's maybe like how clothes make sex more interesting. The hidden thing is what's fascinating. All these people, just even 5 minutes talking face to face, just that little would have meant more than years spent regularly emailing back and forth. Bizarrely I ended up talking to quite a few who wouldn't actually go beyond email. I think because I was always reaching out and trying to help people who really had serious issues.

And then thanks to what amounts to their dishonesty, I'm stuck thinking about them for years. Forever dwelling upon the unknown, although I'm 99.9% sure that what's hidden wouldn't really be all that interesting.

And so we spend much of our lives dwelling upon basically stupid people and the ugly things they do to us.

It is essential for me at least to have met a person and spoken to them to have some idea just whom I'm giving an opportunity to mess with my life. As to those few troubled people I mistakenly let mess with my life without first (or ever) doing such basics, I'm starting to think I might have to go find them. Nothing scary meant here. Preferably they'd have no idea who I was and it would literally be five minutes spent talking about the weather or whatever. That would do.

Then they could be properly dismissed. As they've already proven they should be.

Autobiography of Roger Bannister
Pretty smart guy. Surprisingly vague actually about his training regimen. Lots of intervals, quarters in particular and workouts of less than an hour. Usually people are vague because they don't want to share their secrets to success. Didn't seem to be the case with Bannister. Basically Bannister says to avoid being exhausted the next day. And otherwise interval training is very good. And tons and tons of slower stuff (such is the norm now) maybe isn't what being a well balanced individual is all about.

What more interests me is that the first time he was clocked in the mile he was already breaking 5 minutes and within 8 months of that managed 4:24. It then took him 7 years of hard training to shave off 25 seconds. (Genetics).

What else? Back in the day at least in the UK it was important that you didn't appear to be really trying to be good at something unless you were indeed very successful at it. Don't appear to try and fail. Either try and succeed or don't try. At least concerning appearances. Furtive trying is perhaps OK.

R. Scott Bakker, The Prince of Nothing trilogy.
Perhaps the Dunyain, the man who's defeated his unconscious, a guy who at least pretends to be some kind of strange half jesus-like+warrior, iow, a "warrior-prophet", perhaps it's just too ambitious. And simply impossible to be convincing.

It's one thing for him to be a great fighter and for him to be able to read others such that within a few minutes he knows people far better than they know themselves. It's another for him to give convincing speeches to large crowds. The latter is a complete fail and Bakker unfortunately had Kellhus doing that quite often in books two and three. It went beyond unconvincing and into tiresome.

It's all well and good to try to do things a bit differently and to not have clear good/bad guys. I guess. But you better do something pretty impressive to make up for what amounts to a lack. There needs to be a concept of morality within such a tale as this. Yet one is left reading and just not knowing if Kellhus is a bad guy or good guy. I guess it begins to dawn that, no, he's not. (Which says what concerning defeating the unconscious?)Yet in the early going then, who is a good guy?

Drusus I suppose. But Drusus isn't much to latch onto. In terms of the hero with the ace up his sleeve Kellhus completely and utterly trumps Drusus.

It seems like there aren't enough likable characters in this trilogy. There is Drusus. There is the Scylvendi. And I'm afraid that covers major characters. Perhaps I'm supposed to forgive Esme for being manipulated by the master of manipulation. But I never really thought much of her in the first place. Reminds me a bit much of too many women I've known that really weren't likable....

Furthermore the Kianene are completely glossed over. Endless warring, etc all against some enemy that's never defined. The Consult being vague and mysterious is a good thing. But the Kianene at least should have been explained.

Finally one expects some closure with book three and doesn't ever remotely get that. So I guess years later he's writing more but I don't think, so very sorry to say I'll be reading. Neuropath and the Dunyain sound like nice things to write about, (defeating hte unconscious, etc) but actually he's shown far, far less insight into them then I did in my previous hellblog.

Beyond the basics of food, shelter, friendship and some kind of pride in one's self there is at least a tiny little to be said for materialism, as long as the materialism doesn't go to the forefront. And so then I must admit I still really get a bit of happiness out of this house. And the belongings we're accumulating.

Recently I got a:
-Wii, the two games are awful but we connected to the wireless internet and we're quickly watching netflix movies on the 55inch TV which, considering it was a christmas present, makes it unusually useful. ...I had forgotten how insane the beginning of The Toxic Avenger is, or that was a director's cut I hadn't previously seen.
-12 foot tall christmas tree with 1500 lights for only 100 dollars. Awesome!
-Kindle. (190+60 for carrying case/nightlight) I have a paper library of over a 1000 books, which is really nice. But actually the kindle is a superior reading experience imo. I can get books immediately. I keep my place better as it only shows an area perhaps roughly 1/6th the equivalent of the two pages a book will be open to. It's easier to hold and with the little carrying case, the light makes it so absolutely superior. Then of course the tons of free books. All the older classics. And I can download them anywhere. Was in the car on the highway in the dark. With the nightlight could see to read, and downloaded some stuff for free, etc. Just whatever my whim is at any given moment. Wonderful. Bye bye paper books. :(
-exercise bike. Finally! I've wanted a decent one for at least a decade. And I got a perfect one. It doesn't tell me the tension. It doesn't keep track of speed or distance. In fact completely unelectronic and it's exactly what I want though. Very durable and I can flip it on it's front and work my arms. I had been looking for such a thing and they looked to cost thousands while this works perfect. The type of resistance is perfect. (Some inertia.... hard to explain, up to heavier than my bodyweight.) And just 300 dollars. Perfect.

Next on my materialistic list...

I want to have one big building project each year I think. This first year it was the pond, which looks to be doing pretty good through the winter. Not sure though if the UV filter light is really a good idea though. (Kills the good stuff along with the algae.)
This year it's going to be a garden I guess. And with regards to that, the first important thing is making it so that I won't constantly be worrying about the deer eating everything. So then a fence? Or perhaps a large greenhouse? The latter because I think ultimately that would be very nice. I really like areas that blend inside with outside... But it's been decided that to start with, I'll just try a fence. Perhaps something very cheap and crude. Just some stakes and wire. Then blueberry bushes. Prefer low maintenance stuff. And I'm not sure what all else...

Anyway then, materialism:
1. Garden/garden fence
2. 12 CD changer (I prefer CDs and I'm lacking music in this house lately, will look online for one as I hear this technology is considered outdated.)
3. ping pong table (saw one for 129 dollars but it wouldn't fit in my car. :()
4. The big house project of 2012 may be remodeling an upstairs bathroom, moving it out into the very large side attic. And making it so I have a bathtube/(maybe a jaccuzi) I can actually fit in to.
5. Combined with 4, one or two sky lights. One in the attic/remodeled bathroom and possibly one letting more light in downstairs.
6. An extra freezer. Definitely have to push my wife on this one. I hate going to the store so often. It really sucks up time.

I had a few months ago wanted to stay with running because it kept my back good and also gave me more energy to go about my day. I strayed though, as I always eventually do, into trying to run much faster while completely losing sight of these primary goals. I started trying to train like Roger Bannister with the result that my right knee has been hurting increasingly with faster speeds. Also with sacrificing longer distances for shorter speed interval training, my back wasn't feeling as well and I totally lost that feeling of energy.

In fact I even lost the interest/energy to do this right here, bother typing my thoughts. Also my cello playing hasn't been so good.... So today I went for a continous 20 minute jog for first time in at least 3 weeks, probably more, and here I am with increased energy to bother doing such a thing as typing all this down. Which isn't to say I'm correct to be bothering typing all this down....

I ran today despite the right knee pain I've been having. At this much slower speed it felt OK.... I'm still hoping other strengthening exercises will fix the matter but it's not looking so good. I did run today because I woke up with back pain, which is as it was previously before I had gotten back into running.

So then, for now, a 20 minute run 3 or 4 days a week hopefully, followed by 10 to 20 minutes on this wonderful exercise bike I recently bought, followed by 5 to 10 minutes of working my upper body on the exercise bike by tipping it on it's front side.