Stepfather tells me today that he wanted me to be just like him. And indeed that's basically what he tried to do. He tried to pound me into his shape.

And for the most part, it didn't work. But he certainly stopped me from reaching my own actual potential.

As I keep seeing him act in inappropriate ways, I wonder what chance really did I ever have to reach my dreams with such a father? And I wonder just what might I have accomplished if not for him? And I wonder if anything can be salvaged at this point?

And realistically, the answer is that nothing really can be salvaged. My dreams are dust. I don't know why I'm here at all anymore.

I guess I'll pretend I'm still trying. Even though I'm locked out.

Firefly Island by Daniel Arenson
Typical sort of fantasy. Girl has super powers that are undeveloped. (the hidden ace up the sleeve.) She's a slave for an ogre.

Started kind of nice but just too light. Stopped reading 70% in. Feel silly for having gone that far.

Drood: A Novel by Dan Simmons
Love the subject matter. Charles Dickens out prowling around through dark parts of London. Also loved Simmons' book The Terror. But the problem here is that no one is likable. Complex characters are one thing, but you've really got to make someone who's actually likable. The main fellow here isn't. And the way he's portraying Dickens makes him also not. Of course his POV may just be wrong. But it's pretty much all we've got to work with.

So I'm not even 25% in (of a long book) and straying away. Straying to a couple biographies of Dickens as I'm curious to see where he got this negative attitude about Dickens. What I've found is gushing in praise. Perhaps Simmons just wanted to be contrary? Also started reading (again) Bleak House.

And have been thinking about why Dickens was a writer and I'm not. Such things as him perhaps having instilled in him a lifelong desire to prove himself? Ever since taken out of school at 12 to work 60 hour weeks in a factory for over a year while money was found to send his sister to a pretigious music academy. That also giving him a direction for his writing.

But then he lived before TV, cars, radio and he lived in London. The world was full of people actually interacting so, so much more and being so much more into books. And he took very closely from his actual life.

Me taking from my actual life would be sad fare indeed. Well 'meagre' would be a better word. And that which I really want to communicate most of all happens to be impossible.

But, told my dad I'm going to start writing his biography. Thinking I need to write based on actual life, and so I want him to just relate stories from his life. Absolutely NO outline. Nothing chronological. Done like Twain did.

Also looking at a biography of Clive Barker. Too soon to know what to think other than wanting to download some books that Barker really liked. Also seeing how from a young age he was constantly making stories and I wasn't.

Ran a 2/1 6 miles in 54:40(PR). Then slogged extra mile at end. Went with Bibek.

1. And so today my feet don't hurt. My ankes don't hurt. My knees don't hurt and my hips don't hurt. I guess in part because of the omega three's? Also the change in running form. (I landing on my heels now, which supposedly is the wrong way to do it.)

2. No mysterious chest pains, probably thanks to no bench presses.

3. No back pain, mostly thanks to running.

4. No headaches thanks to having stopped consuming caffeine.

5. No insomnia thanks to no caffeine and no heavy weight lifting, at least primarily.

6. And I don't keep waking up at 3am each day. Well, I do so a few times a week. Which actually is nice occasionally. But a lot of days I sleep in till after 9AM. Perhaps thanks to the combination of quarter repeats and 6 mile runs?

No health issues whatsoever. Something I've very much stopped taking for granted. Planning on buying a new waffle iron today for my flax meal waffles. The one I have makes them too thick.

This digital hardware casio cz-101 has a nicer sound than all the virtual synths I've ever tried. I say this tentatively. Each new synth at first is "fresh" and inspiring. But I do think this has just got a sound that for whatever reason just seems "better". I really want to work hard at being able to make my own sounds. I'm pretty much done relying on presets. This synth is good in that respect as the presets really aren't so special. Furthermore I can only store 16 of my own sounds, and without being able to name them. Thus, to use this I really have got to get good at making sounds.

I want to quit being "flexible" and instead do a much better job of taking the sound to exactly where I want it in my head. In the past this has resulted in music that wasn't as good but that's perhaps what it is to be starting out. Perhaps eventually that isn't the case. For certain though, eventually one gets bored with just being pulled along randomly.

(Definitely still have to get an analog synth one of these days though.)

Today went out planning to do quarter repeats again. Same as last workout. But when I did a short warm up run, it felt so easy to go sort of fast, that I decided to see if I could break 25 minutes for 5k. I managed 25:10 (3/1 intervals), which is a PR. Nevermind previous post training plans. Instead quarter repeats, 3/1 5k and 2/1 6 mile each week. Which comes close to speed, tempo, long distance basic training lore. Except not really quite. I am still reinventing the wheel somewhat in that it's all repeats or intervals.

Thinking as to running I had originally enjoyed doing a given interval distance for a couple of workouts in a row then switching to something else. I improved when I did that. Lately I've been running a bit closer to what i read online and haven't had any noticeable improvement. So then plan on doing quarter repeats for three workouts and then 3/1 for 3 miles for three workouts, then start over. Did quarter repeats today for the first time in quite a while. Feel good for having done so.

The tunnel is nice and cool, a good 20 degrees cooler at least, probably more. And in the winter it will be a place not covered in snow. How lucky I am that it's there.

Was wrong about the alcohol by the way. Was the type that was the problem. Something about that particular type of port left me just all wrong. Should stick to lighter stuff have had a glass of wine or a beer a few times a week without issue. As to it's effect on running, eh, I don't know. So many variables.

They would have had a presence there if they existed in this world. But they did not. And it's too late for the giraffe to evolve wings. Thus my dessicated corpse is free at last to walk the forever night.



In other news (well the above is actually really old news) I today ran 6 miles in 55:12 (3/1 intervals). Made sure to do a negative split but still really felt like shit. Haven't felt so great lately. Think attempting to elongate my stride made my back hurt just a little, but also lack energy in general. Diet hasn't been so good. Not eating enough green vegetables. And really ought to go back to being a perfect vegan. Which means 14 hour days with either junk or nothing at all to eat at work sometimes. (Always taking food with you is actually a real collosal(sp) pain in the ass.)

Got my first analog hardware synth today. Yesterday actually but was too tired to open it. Today will do that. Also get more garden soil for my enclosed raised bed garden. Also will plant broccoli, cucumbers, peas and ...? Some other things. Along with the beans and sunflowers and a few other things. With late start not putting much thought into it. Haven't been able to find morning glory seeds. Adding the sand between the walking stone cracks looks nice but isn't firm enough in places.

Thinking instead of a dragon statue in the middle, perhaps I'll build some wind powered instrument thing. Something with very low pitches. Like a wind chime perhaps. Aeolian harp probably wouldn't withstand the weather. And I want some sound even with low intensity wind. And definitely not 12 tone equal temperment.

On May 20th I wrote: "Did a run 2 min and walk 1 minute 5k today in 27:37. Which is very good. Previously had done a 3/1 in 26:59..."

Last night I did 3 mile 2/1 in 26:00 But this is 3 mile versus I think a 5k, because they got the 1.5 mile marker clearly quite a bit off. Not really sure exactly how much off though. Also this was more downhill. So as opposed to an improvement of 1:37 minutes it might not be any improvement at all. Even the opposite. Don't really know. Know that I was working on a really long stride, which is what I want to run with now, so at first I was expecting to be slightly slower with it anyway. And this was actually 6 miles of intervals, although I mostly ran out of steam at 3 miles. Trying to push myself further. Not sure if I should be.

In other uninteresting news I found baby fish in this water container inside the enclosed raised bed garden. I had put some water lettuce in it as opposed to just throwing it away. Apparently some baby fish or fertilized eggs were stuck in the roots. I've thrown away a ton of water lettuce so I guess I've killed tons of baby fish. (I dislike the term "fry".) Based on the coloring coming in on the larger ones looks like they may just be goldfish.

Today I went to the one decent restaurant in town; a new place since they put in the highway connector. I love the cucumber salad. In fact I never ate cucumbers till this place. Just now at 38, finally eating cucumbers. Which have this coolness about them (temperaturewise), which is especially good when it's schorching hot outside. But then, it's really quite a simple salad I ought to just make at home. The food is otherwise nothing that special really.... I cook pretty good these days and now live someplace that I don't find myself desperately trying to find a reason each evening to leave.

But at the end of this meal I got a dessert that had some chocolate in it. This is just about my first bit of caffeine in many months. The result is that 7 hours later (0030) I've got some insomnia. AND some myopia such that I'm lacking wisdom and rambling on pointlessly here.

Yes, caffeine is best avoided.

Other news: today got a new work schedule position. No more night shifts. I had been officially working one night shift a week, but in reality had only really been working it once a month at most. Thank god for no more night shifts though. They were awful.

Let's see, other news... I'm pushing my running too much. Getting obsessed with trying to improve. Losing balance. Forgotten why I started in the first place which was to:
1. Keep my back feeling good.
2. Have plenty of energy for work.
3. ...? General good health.

The running has worked at those. Again starting to worry too much about going really fast, and really tiring myself out and thus decreasing my quality of life.

What the hell else crap is going on? Still finishing up my enclosed raised bed garden. I didn't take into account how much all the garden soil is going to cost. Oh well. All in all I'm spending well over 1000 dollars. But it shall be nice. The blueberry's straight off the bushes taste so much better than storebought. This is just how life ought to be. And right now as when I'm out there I'm thinking about A Wrinkle In Time, at the beginning, as Meg and Calvin go for a short walk and the scenery is described, the garden, the apple trees. As Charles Wallace, Meg, Mom and Mrs. Whatsit eat all those different types of sandwiches. "Wild nights are my glory." Something about this that touches my core, that this is how life is meant to be. You should walk outside and there be food growing and so on.

And I prefer it done so that after a lot of work and money in the beginning it will take care of itself in the longterm.

And did a search of dragon statues. Thinking of a homage to Robin Hobb. But there's nothing remotely good online.

My cello playing has lagged a bit recently. Still practicing but lots of 30 minutes practice days. Do finally have a nice high position thanks to studio adjustable chair plus bits of wood to stop crappy studio chair from slowly sinking.

Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time is wonderful not so much because of the anti-conformity message but because of the description of Meg's home. The genius little brother. The house out in the woods. The scientist parents. The bunsen burner. All those different kinds of sandwiches. The garden. The dog and cat. I don't understand why this stuck with me so. Somehow as a child I longed for it. The right place at the right time I suppose such that a scene that must have been similarly decribed in endless books just stayed with me so strongly as some beautiful ideal.

I used to have all four books. Can't find the three that follow right now. Loved this series so that I would try to imagine M L'Engle. Pictured here with long blonde hair. (She was about as far from how I pictured her as possible.) But the fact that I was trying to picture her just says something about how much I loved this series as a kid.

Schorching hot lately, also with a decent bit of rain. This is when stuff GROWS. The fish are ravenous. Although it's too hot for that huge tree I bought. Leaves are getting crinkly on the edges, which greatly annoys me. Today I saw a huge spider. A very thick muscular spider of a type that I've never seen before. Outside of tarantulas in Texas I've never seen such a large spider. I wonder if somehow it came with the potting soil and survived from somewhere much further south. It was such a monster though that I just couldn't not kill it. Feel quite bad, but damm it was a scary huge thing. Would not have been able to enjoy the garden much knowing it was lurking somewhere.

Insects are horrific creatures if you really think about it. But mostly I don't think that of them. The water bugs on the pond remind me of The Dark Crystal. The numerous dragonflys are beautiful to me. The bees love the water lettuce. Their butts pulse as they drink what I assume is a sort of nectar from the center. Tons of tiny grasshoppers in enclosed raised bed garden. They're cute. Also a praying mantis as pictured below. They're not so bad to look at. Probably the basis of the Pheng(sp) in Vance's Tschai. All the bugs and slugs in the soil don't bother me. Don't even particularly mind the quite large wolf spiders sometimes out back which jump and seem to change direction in mid-air.

But this one spider was too much. Although smaller than a taratula, it was far, far worse than a tarantula. And I don't know why exactly. Trying to forget but doing it all wrong indeed, thanks to the caffeine.

I changed clothes 4 times today as I was repeatedly soaked in sweat. Just a bit too hot. Although as long as I stay right by the pond I'm OK.

Was rude to J today. Feel bad about it. Got locked out and needed water badly. Still doesn't remotely excuse my rudeness to her.

I could go on and on about worthless things. More negative than positive but why do so? Wash away the negative. Talk about Dark Crystal water bugs. Are the baby fish part koi? They started out dark brown but now are gold with speckles. I'm hoping of course that they're part koi. They're changing colors by day right now, so we're watching closely.

Was thinking what a damm good thing my biological father had no contact with me. Have thought this off and on, but lately hadn't. Then heard on NPR about Obama and how he was almost certainly better off without his father around and it occurred particularly strongly that the same was the case with me. I already knew this yet have had a tendency to focus on the negative of what an evil man he was for not having anything to do with me. Now instead thinking, "Thank God!"

Ran a 2/1 for 6 in 55:31 on Monday. Very enjoyable run. Had a couple of relaxed, happy, short interactions along the way. One with my piano teacher 20+ years ago. Another with an oriental family. As they were relaxed and happy interactions, they were a bit surreal.

Ran a 4/1 for 6 in 55:43 on Wednesday. Unexpectedly slow. Really prefer a 2/1. But also I moved a ton of stuff at my dad's hoarderish office on Tuesday which may have taken it out of me a bit. OTOH, had so much energy with which to clean out dad's office though in part because of all this running. After this run I moved another ton of stuff on Wednesday; bricks for my enclosed raised bed garden. Very, very tired. Cello playing suffering.

The Guns of the South by Harry Turtledove
Awful book. Like something a child would have written. Also an apologetic for the South. I gave up on this one 41% at which point the South had won and they were arguing the country border. Lots of crap about States Rights. My one brother-in-law has a MS in history specializing in the civil war. The war was about slavery. The evidence is overwhelming that these people were willing to fight to the death in order keep slavery.

Yesterday they were fighting for slavery. Today they are Nascar and professional wrestling. They are Sarah Palin and George Bush. They are the tea party. They are the idiocracy.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and The Inheritance by Megan Lindholm/Robin Hobb

Reviewing both for the contrast between the two. The Hunger Games takes place in an extreme dystopia. A futuristic and barbaric world. Each year 24 people between the ages of 12 and 18 (why so young? The book is for young adults.) have to battle each other to the death. At home people are struggling to survive, barely enough to eat except at the Capitol where they seem to live a life of opulence.

The Inheritance is a somewhat short collection of short stories. The Hobb stories take place in the Farseer World and feature The Wit (the ability to speak to animals.)

The Hunger Games is light. The main character could get her arm chopped off and I'd think, "Gee, Oh well." This is in comparison especially to the Hobb stories (more so than the Lindholm stories interestingly enough) where one really cares about the charaters. This final story of The Inheritance especially draws one in, about a young woman, an abusive man and a very useful cat.

Beyond just being drawn in more, there is just this feel to Hobb/Lindhom stories, where one feels at home, relaxed. Hard to say what it is. Just her sensibility perhaps. My wife found her similarity to me eeriy(sp). She mentions not being able to afford a synthesizer, goes on about cellos and has multiple stories that have a lot of music. And finally, she had a black cat named Loki even.

Now reading The Guns of the South by Harry Turtledove which is annoyingly light. Especially annoying as it's 1864 (the middle of a war) and we're in the South. The characters are presented as decent enough people who just have this slight little flaw, what is it? Oh yes, fighting for slavery. Willing to die in massive numbers for slavery. But gosh, those South Africans from the future, they just hate blacks. Not like people from the South 150 years ago who are almost all actually very kind hearted. "Yes, the negro is inferior but we still should be nice to them," seems to be what the average Southerner thinks according to Turtledove.

Turtledove describes endless scenes of people getting their heads blown off, a million times a bullet has whizzed past the head of the one protagonist. And you know what? Who cares? Light as a feather. Couldn't care less. This book is in sharp contrast to the autobiography of Fredrick Douglass, where one is really drawn in hard to the reality of slavery. Turtledove's book is both light and kind of an offensive apolegetic, although not really an outright defense of the South. I'm 25% in and starting to just skim only because the question of what life would have been like had the South not been defeated really interests me. Otherwise would have thrown this book aside.