Work/relations/anxiety: 5 not anxious. Not worried about work. 9 means making people laugh. 7 is really relaxing and enjoying people's company

Thanks to boss meeting plus chocolate dropped to a 3 or 4. But by 5pm I'm up to a 6. ..possibly the discovery of Roy Harper. And wife doing exercises...?

Energy/health: 5 is doing at least something productive in a day but also procrastinating 9 is doing it all. 4 is doing nothing 3 and lower is sick.

5 or 6. Procrastinating about cello but mainly because I'm working so much on writing. Straying from running actually as it's just a time suck. But not out of laziness, just because again, I'm trying to actually accomplish things.

existentially/life is meaningless 5 is feel not completely pointless as long as I'm producing something. 7 is feel happy about material stuff and being married, etc. 3 is feeling as all has unraveled.

Inexplicably a strong 7 this evening. Possibly the discovery of Roy Harper.

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Just reply to self in emails. Want to try to for a bit. Pasted once here just in case I manage to lose it... I guess. I don't know. Not much in the way of imaginary eyes/god these days. Definitely still there but has retreated. Or I could say my subconscious in general has. Or I could say I'm back to having one. Back to being largely unconscious like most people. Not exactly. But slightly true.
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....My grandmother and great uncle were long long dead by slow suicide from junk food and cigarettes. She a homemaker, him a butcher. My grandfather dead from an accident in the slave mines before I was born. My mother unable to tell me anything about him because he was always at work and she hardly knew him. My biological father left when I was one. I hear he's now been married 4 times. The one time he was going to meet me to talk, he canceled without rescheduling because he "had to go to church" that day. His mother (a homemaker) was the sort of lady who'd (actually did do this) scream at kids to get out of her yard because she was worried that if one got hurt they might sue her. A pointless nasty bit of uselessness. His father... a vacant former garbage man. Possibly a pedophile. My mother... a very ditzy woman addicted to some headache medicine I can't even spell for the last 30 years. Very sweet and not much going on upstairs. My sister, the same but more so. I think that the drugs, and maybe plus the headaches, has eaten away at her brain... My stepfather, a strange foreign man with no friends who has spent all his free time for the last 40 years laying in bed. And not because he's depressed or sick. The only thing he's ever been depressed about is my mom wasting money. He is completely eccentric. My wife's father has some social problem where he just can't relax. He never really talks. My wife's mother was schizophrenic and died young. And all her grandparents died very young.

My mom's sister was so depressed for years that she did lots of electroshock therapy. She's virtually never spoken to me my entire life. Her husband and two sons are nice but very quiet and introverted. They like guns. And hunting. And dirtbikes. And they live 3 hours away. It's not that we don't get along, we just don't speak to each other even if sitting two feet away.

Lots of "successful" people like to mention some teacher that made a big difference in their life. The best teachers I ever had were the very few who knew at least to just leave me alone.

I make it sound worse than it is I suppose. Both my parents were/are teachers. But my mom has been a science teacher for maybe 20 years and I just explained carbon dating to her last week. My stepfather is a professor. But he likes to brag he hasn't read a book in 30 years.

I don't seem to have had a very good environment. I see some of the doctors at work, well at least a few and I think with my environment I grew up in, I had NO chance. To think of me being say the head of neurosurgery... well at least the current head who is quite impressive, is laughable.

This is a thing I do when in a bad mood I guess. But I do it rather often. Actually the head of neurology is not really impressive. Nor are the residents. Some of the doctors are, some not all that much. But clearly I have deficiencies and my lack of any kind of role model growing up, the lack of anyone at all, ANYONE, that I could recognize as someone worth really learning from can not have done me any good.

At least I wasn't severely abused.

Two things though:
1. With writing I really don't think as well. In fact I can't even follow my thoughts correctly where they had managed to go on their own before I got to the keyboard. Maybe the brain power needed to type, snuff's out the tiny flame of my worthwhile thinking?

2. The point of the woe is me writing, wasn't woe is me. It was ................ on a fundamental level something very important has been shattered within me. A sense, my sense of....community. Of social relations, of family and such. Ripped apart. In it's place an empty nothing.

So.... On the road to cousin's for wedding this weekend. But it's all a sham. There is no meaningful relationship. Just the empty forms. The rituals are meaningless. It's all empty. Just sit in a room alone and stare at a wall.

Went two weeks ago for party somewhat related to wedding and was very annoyed/unhappy because of this underlying feeling. And this same feeling I think is always there in me. A very perceptful(sp???) person could see this emptiness within me I think upon first meeting me.

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In chocolate depression-beauty just means the most regular features. Which are beautiful because they mean fitting in. They mean being very normal and thus being a part of the community. We want to latch on to such people so that we too can be more a part of the overriding community of mankind on a subconscious level.