In other things in my life which I'll forget, today my son and I had our first birthday. He later went up the stairs on his own which is kind of good for exactly 1 year old. Actually I'm sure he could have done that a while ago but I never let him try. Also wandered the whole house walking around (while I made sure he didn't stick anything in his mouth) without ever coming close to falling. Also sort of almost throwing a ball already. And really seems to like Children of the Sun. Stops and just listens when I play it. Has the same reaction to a few bits of music on TV here and there.

My mother came over and rehashed same crap. Now sister just texted apologizing. Just 9 months later. I've said all along that if they apologized, I would accept their apologies. But I must admit here at least that I was hoping they wouldn't apologize. Because I'm really much happier having nothing to do with them. It's been endlessly miserable. I have no good memories of them.

At all.

The whole damn way. 40 years. No good memories. And even worse is my sister's husband. If my stepfather ever apologizes they'll just go back to trying to force me to be around him. And I truly want nothing to do with. There's something seriously not right there. The farther I can keep myself and my son and wife from him, the better. And so they'll just go on and on and on and on and on. Or at least that's what they did before, along with so many other things. Truly absolute hell. I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. Most especially not the same morals. Being forced to spend my life with them has been negative in a way which is just beyond words. If they all apologize, I may have to accept and then more far away.

Planning on moving in a few years anyway. My son can't grow up here. It's so important to have friends when growing up. Friends that are at least somewhat close to your intellectual level. I will not let his life be like mine was.

Also may need open heart surgery soon to fix a congenital condition that's been looming over my head since I was 10. Finally may actually happen. I was hoping I was some kind of special and it never would, considering they at first said I would have to have surgery by the age of 15. Not bothering to worry about it as it won't help any. Am bringing back the fruit smoothies to try to reduce inflammation as it can make aneurysms worse. But I feel fine. Feel more or less as good at 43 as I did at 23. I guess I don't sleep as deeply. Don't really sleep in anymore. And I've had all those headache issues (although none since reading Buchholz's book.) But I feel good. Don't feel like an old guy. Definitely don't play tennis like an old guy. The aortic aneurysm worries me less than the heart valve. Getting that replaced would mean long term issues.

Anyway I spend my free time watching my son. Not getting anything much else done. Reading some fantasy fiction.

This morning I went to the local courts to practice my two hand forehand slice. I also hit some two hand backhands. And I really dislike how much more work it is to hit the two hand backhand. It's bothering my abdominal muscles even. Went home and thought about it and started fooling around with trying to quickly change my grip for hitting a two handed forehand on either side. And I got kind of fast at it. Watched some tennis on TV while pretending I was the bottom player and trying to hit a two hand forehand for whichever side the ball came to. And I was fast enough. Except I'm not sure about the serve. Can't tell what side it's going to as fast as when playing so don't know for certain. But otherwise I'm easily fast enough to make the change.

So went back up to the courts and practice hitting a left handed two hand forehand. And it's pretty damn good immediately. The slice isn't as good yet as the other side. But when I hit it flat I can move it side to side as well as the two hand backhand. And I can more easily get pace on it. For only having tried it once before months ago, the accuracy was already really good.

It's funny how I'm trying to reinvent the wheel at tennis pretty much the same as I've tried for most other things. I have never heard of anyone hitting a two hand forehand on both sides. Of course I would try it. Because I think everyone else is kind of stupid actually; more so in tennis of course but... surely some intelligent people must occasionally choose a less boring form of exercise?

One would think, but apparently I don't really think so.

When someone decides to try doing something completely different from the norm, the underlying basis is usually a low opinion of the collective intelligence of mankind.

...but then I changed my mind. I think my andy murray backhand is quite good just needs a bit more practice instead of doing something drastic. More work on letting the left hand do the work. And practicing putting topspin on it.

Also I hit with a new (old used) racquet with the stupid name of the dunlop max predator. Has way more power despite only weighing it down to 12.5 ounces, which surprised me. Play my first match tomorrow with it. Really curious to see what it can do when really going for it on serves indoors. And again changing a groundstroke grip. I just like the feel of the andy murray backhand grip when hitting a two hand forehand slice more than a continental/eastern forehand. I'll still use the latter occasionally to hit drives. I guess just like Santoro. I guess. Certainly works for him. Or one handed continental.

Really need to just stick with something. Decided to go one hand continental because I think one hand eastern forehand is bothering my arm even though I hit it so rarely. I was hitting it really good. But I don't want my arm bothering me.

So I practiced a double continental grip again on my backhand and although it feels good when just taking a practice swing, it's really hard to get as much on the ball. Maybe if I practiced for years but I really prefer the semiwestern/mild eastern backhand grip. And I've played that a few times now, combined with a continental/eastern forehand forehand. (Want my hands "overlapped" for all two handed groundstrokes). And it is definitely a better backhand for me. A few more unforced errors but just a much more aggressive shot. The topspin keeps some speed on the ball and also gives me more security to go for shots. I beat Alex V 6-2, 6-0, 6-1. (Previously had much closer matches). And then Joey B, who was the best player I've ever played indoors before, who previously won 16 games to my 3. This time he won 8 to my 4. Really he jumped up 3-0 and then I played him even.

But I'm still very new to this backhand grip and I'm sure I can improve some. Doesn't feel natural to me after hitting an eastern forehand/continental for so long. Right now the few better players try to hit to my backhand, hopefully that won't be quite such a good idea eventually.

Against Joey B I also hit more forehand slices this time which gave him issues. But I wasn't really grooved on the forehand slice. I think I need to keep my left arm straight when hitting a forehand slice. That and work on a left hand semiwestern forehand, to improve my backhand.

I played my nemesis J C again and lost again, for probably the 8th time in a row but I think this might have been our closest ever match at 6-3, 7-5. Not to mention he even served game point at 5-5 when I wasn't looking most likely on purpose. I felt pretty positive about the match also because I used a new grip I had never used before on both the forehand and backhand. Never had even practiced it and had my best result. On backhand I used a eastern forehand/eastern backhand grip. On forehand I used a continental/eastern forehand grip. This meant on forehand I had my hands overlapped (as opposed to like carrying a basket) and I think overlapped is in general the way to go for any two handed grip. Makes it a bit smoother. On backhand I was able to hit a bit more topspin and get more power while not sacrificing control. (As opposed to the usual eastern forehand/continental grip which gives good control but not much topspin).

The remaining problem is that on the backhand I'm hitting it right to him way too often. On the forehand I actually make him run like every other shot. On the backhand I'll hit it right at him 2 or 3 times. With the extra pace he wasn't taking control of the point quite as much but still he was doing so a bit more than me. I kept getting stuck in hitting my backhand to his forehand (he's left handed). Trading back and forth way too much.

So I wonder if a double continental grip would help me with my placement. The problem is I would lose my topspin. And I don't hit high balls as well with it. Also I enjoy hitting topspin. So I'm not sure if I should stick with the eastern forehand/eastern backhand and see if the placement improves. Or continue to be wishy washy and go back to the double continental. I had abandoned it before rather suddenly. I have to be very precise with it due to the lack of topspin. Some days it's hard to be so precise and it kind of takes the fun out of tennis. Also has a slightly robotic/clunky feel, but that could be from lack of practice.

Going to go watch Agassi on youtube. He was the one person I know of who basically hit a double continental.

Yes. Him and Marat Safin. And the info on the internet is incredibly stupid. Makes me think people who play tennis are incredibly stupid. But relatively speaking they're mostly doctors, engineers, professors. But online it's a stupid fest. They can't even figure out what to call a given grip. Stupidity as far as the eye can see.

Since I quit eating sugar I find myself writing music. With what little free time I manage with an 11 month old. I guess quitting the cello helped.

Tried a new grip. A double semi-western for both backhand and forehand. Like holding a basket while swinging. Felt a little awkward but I thought it would mean being more facing the court and would thus mean fewer unforced errors. And I was right, it did mean fewer unforced errors. But it also meant hardly any topspin or pace. A basic question you have to ask yourself is: do you want to be pretty good, or do you want to attempt to be extremely good. Pretty good means hitting the ball a bit softer and just not hitting unforced errors. The double semi-western is a quick way to be pretty good, as a pusher/dinker. But then I played the second best player I've ever played and he beat me 6-1, 6-0. In truth I had like 4 to 6 deuce games but... anyway.

So I've switched to a grip that gives me more topspin. Of course it's possible to hit flat and still play really well, but it requires an extreme level of precision that I just don't have when playing a few times a week and getting run all over the place, plus being 6'5" and 210 pounds. So losing against this good player has caused me to veer in the other direction. Now instead of the eastern forehand/continental grip for my two hand backhand, I've gone to semi-western/continental for the backhand. Actually was practicing semi-western/eastern backhand. I could really rip it that way but I hate it for when I switch to one handed. And maybe I don't have to veer quite that extreme anyway. And the top hand matters more anyway. The key when having the top hand in semi-western instead of eastern forehand is to think of it as a left handed forehand. And as such I've been really practicing hitting a left handed forehand.

And for the forehand switching to continental/semi-western. It doesn't give as much topspin but I'm just turned too far from the court if I try eastern backhand/semi-western. And going to experiment with more one hand forehands while keeping my arm very straight. And probably also some forehand slices using the backhand grip. Worked for Santoro.

Beat a bunch of people in tennis. The owner of the indoor courts 6-3, 6-4.. That high school kid while his dad filmed the match 6-2, 6-3. More I don't remember. Against the high school kid (#1 in region) I tried a new grip on both forehand and backhand for the first time ever. A double semi western. No grip switch. The backhand is very close to just being a left handed forehand. Really worked. I'm more facing the court/ball. Should be easier on my neck too on the two hand forehand. Also tried to remember to be like a baseball pitcher on the serve, not a centerfielder.

Read Ready Player One and Armada by Ernest Cline. The former is extreme nostalgia for the 80's. Primarily videogames. The latter is also heavy on the video games and was much better than the majority of the reviews suggested. The former was better though. Just OK though. Beyond the nostalgia, not a big deal.

Was ruminating really bad on Monday and Tuesday when coming back from having a week off. Don't even want to write about it.

Well, the one thing I should write about is trying to remember that how you look plays a huge and mostly unfair part in how you're treated. I'm not treated all that well it seems to me by most people. Instead of seeing it as proof that humankind is trash I should try to see it as just some absurd thing. People are controlled like machines practically by relatively meaningless random absurdities. And that is so so so much better a thing to think than the alternative.

Lost yet again to Cooke. Pulled a glut which didn't help but probably would have lost anyway. Then beat the top high schooler in the region. 6-4, 6-3 and the next night a 68 year old by the same score. Totally different styles of play and even very different balls. Really like playing topspin players with relatively dead balls (Prince). Didn't like playing the old guy so much. He hit flat and considering how low I keep it, it was almost like we were rolling it back and forth. Also the ProPenns were so much faster than the Prince. Finally won last 4 games by really concentrating harder on tracking the ball (as it hit and skidded unpredictably). But couldn't hit winners as well.

Need to practice two handed backhand slice with the eastern forehand/r semiwestern grip. And plan to start hitting volleys with one hand more often. When I'm running foreward, when the ball is below the net. Just have no touch and not enough mobility when hitting volleys with two hands.

Switched to a platform stance on serve. And toss arm perpendicular to service box to make sure it goes same distance inwards each time.

And... Hawthy attaching me.

Linda ...ski. Thought every man was a potential rapist. Extremely suspicious. My "friend" who doesn't mention getting married. Jumps to negative assumption and doesn't explain what it is. If I took too long in responding on skype she would even jump to assuming negative things.

M McCombe. 40 and never married. Extremely suspicious and dysfunctionally uncommunicative. Jumps to negative assumption and never explains what it is.

R Carlyle. Totally bonkers. Lifetime unemployed. Says has disease that isn't recognized as a real disease. Can't handle anyone disagreeing with her no matter how bizarre her actions. Impersonates someone on facebook and gets a 100 friends that way. Goes ballistic when I disagree with such actions and suddenly just can't speak with me and in general suddenly finds all kinds of fault with me including many very strange accusations.

S Nordeck. 30 something who has never had a significant other. Manages to get fired from a job that consists of cleaning hospital rooms and pushing around hospital beds by cussing out a security guard and in general thinking ill of endless good people. After 7 years of friendship gets angry that I become friends with her sister. Then claims I'm trying to force her to wear shoes she doesn't like and a few other bizarre things and cuts down all communication to only texting, almost as if she knows it's the one thing that upsets me so therefore that's exactly what she does. When I finally say I'm done with texting, no more communication until she will actually speak to me she unfriends/blocks me and my wife.

"Yanni". Stupid prick who laughably has a problem with anyone ever finding fault with anything he does.

Fredrik ... Demonizer.

K Creek. Bonkers. Had many bouts of irrational paranoia. At one point crying at US embassy in Kazahkstan that we were being followed. Ruined many working relationships by deciding they were out to get here. Finally did the same to me.

J Muto. For unknown reason refused to recognize that I was trying out for the tennis team, thus I didn't get to play tennis in high school. Now over and over I play someone new in tennis and they ask if I played tennis in college and I say, "No. I didn't even get to play in high school." Maybe when my hair is gray this will stop, until then I get to be periodically reminded as I beat former and current college players.

Recently won 6-1, 6-0 against a professor of literature. 6-2, 6-2 against some wealthy retired guy. 6-0, 6-0 against environmental engineer. (also lost 7-5, 6-4) And then today I played a former division one player and won 7-5, 7-6 (7-0). Little things here and there did not do well. Could have won a lot more convincing. Was up 4-1 in second set and lost 4 games in a row. Forgot to start ball toss slowly and gradually gain speed. Had probably ten aborted ball tosses. For large stretches I was lucky to just get it in with some pace. Ball pass was too erratic to really move it to both corners. Started tossing behind me a bit thus losing pace, but was mindful not to do this and eventually corrected. Missed a lot of volleys. And took a while to get used to returning his slice. Was letting the ball get too close to me for a while. Match lasted over two hours and we were lucky to be able to finish it.

But all in all, really played unusually well. Wonder if how low he kept the ball maybe helped me as opposed to Cooke throwing in the occasional moon ball. But maybe that little aerobic back and forth drill really works. Legs felt strong throughout and was moving very smoothly throughout. Almost never missed a return of serve.

He is a librarian and thinks football is evil. That it may in part be a cause of the violence in America. Super nice. Of course he lives up in Pittsburgh and was just visiting his parents.

Winning while playing well against a former division one player who was super nice and intelligent put me in a good mood.

Heal Your Headache by Dr. David Buchholz. Ton more foods I'm removing from my diet. Which sucks but I would really like to never again have a headache. And I've been having a lot with the change in weather. Interesting book in saying that a lot of the weird stuff that goes undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed could actually be migraine. (With my neurology vocation anyway it's interesting and I wish all the neurologists were familiar with his ideas. But they aren't. And I'm very cautious about pushing my thoughts.)

Had liquid nitrogen sprayed on my head other day. Yay. Actinic Keratosis as I suspected. Lady made me feel like I had nothing to worry about though.

Started rereading Demon Princes by Vance and really I was right. Although in some ways it may be more ambitious than Tschai, it just isn't as good. Think I'll look at something else.

Rereading Gene Wolfe's torturer new sun thing. As before, it really starts a bit slow. Almost started the Wizard Knight, but I recall that got really nutty after a while, not in a good way. But then... so much he has written is really really good. Such that I shouldn't be dismissive. But, some of my music sucks. Some of his short stories really suck.

Toss the ball with your shoulder, not your bicep, wrist or fingers. And start slowly and gain speed smoothly. And like handing a cup of tea to someone on a ladder. And keep your arm up straight above you afterwards. The longer you do so, the more likely the ball will go in. Although too long and you lose pace. And the arc of the arm during the toss is perpendicular to the service box. And keep the ball toss out in front of you or you lose pace. And don't do other stuff while tossing the ball, makes an erratic ball toss more likely. Finally hit it just a bit over the shoulder so that you can put a bit of kick on it and hit it out to the right in both the ad and deuce court.

Hitting forehand almost perfectly flat. Depends on the shot. Won today 6-0, 6-0. Beat another good player 6-2, 6-2 last week. But lost to my nemesis 7-5, 6-4. Was up 5-2 but he ran me so much he broke me down. So started an aerobic activity that mimics groundstrokes, back and forth, backhand, forehand.

B sings like an angel. Truly. Was really surprised. It really captures what her religious feeling is for her.

When I get upset about S or my parents or Biddle, etc. Have to try to remember I'm losing perspective. Not up to trying to show what perspective is. Don't claim what follows is.

When angry, think of angry monkeys. When sad, think of the absurdity of all life.

Looked at Josephine Smith's (aka Rideflame) facebook page. 5 or so years later. Wish I could explain. But to whom anyway? No one would understand. No one would care anyway.

5 years later I see again. Like a demon desperate to experience actual life. Full of rage at what was taken from me.

When S started only texting, I wonder if she understood what she was doing. Or if she had no idea.

It's all crap to even think about. I was right to turn away. Any which way I was right.

But I shall live and die and never find anyone in the real world on my wavelength.

I am a stoic because the alternative is to feel rage over how I was treated during my childhood and what it did to me.

Hawthy is now 9.5 months old. Today he played with a synthesizer for the first time. He seemed surprisingly interested for such a young age. He stood without holding on to anything for a 3 or 4 seconds for the first time tonight multiple times. His ring finger seems to be a bit longer than his index finger, hopefully. He won't stay still long enough for me to say for certain. It will be what it will be anyway.

Today I felt very lonely. I miss S. I need to just be around people who are nice to me. But I feel like I'm practically just alone as a result. I shouldn't spend any more time around people who make me feel alive but don't treat me well. But I'm back down to just about zero. Even with tennis I have to go after people, they don't come after me. Something about me is intimidating I guess. No doubt about that.

I occasionally think of trying to contact my half-sister I've never spoken to and potentially my father I've virtually never spoken to. I'm curious. But it's really a good idea to avoid being around people that aren't decent and nice and good. Also I just might get angry.

Stoicism is always a facade to hide that which you daren't truly feel.

One falls into predicaments because: 1. one insists on doing the right thing with little to no regard for one's own self interest, 2. bad luck, 3. making bad choices. 4. Wrongfully judged/misunderstood.

Predicaments consist of a. being attacked by others, b. being captured/trapped, d. being isolated/lonely, e. being forced to do things one doesn't want to do (trying to survive from day to day, make money, get food and shelter).  f. falling in love.

One escapes a predicament by A. exceptional athletic abilities, B. the help of friends, C. intelligence/ creativity, D. special powers, E. luck.

This is all in terms of negative reinforcement. They are only acting to avoid pain/death. What of "positive 'predicaments"? I will say that anything that necessitates action is a "predicament".

3eE: One makes a bad choice and is thus forced to do something they don't want to do but escapes by luck.

2dD: Through bad luck one becomes isolated but overcomes through special powers.

1bA: One helps another and thus is captured but escapes by exceptional athletic abilities.

1aE: One tells the truth instead of being a yesman and thus is disliked by others who are yesmen but survives due to luck.

Adam Reith gets stuck on earth due to bad luck (spaceship gets shot down) 2. He is thus "stuck" on Tschai or trapped and must find a way to escape b. He escapes due both to his exceptional fighting abilities and his intelligence/creativity and the help of the friends he makes. ABC and some D.

One is trapped/stuck/captured. One is attacked (beaten or attemptedly murdered) or tortured. One is forced into slavery, etc. One is wrongfully judged and thus attacked, etc.

Tennis Serve:
1. Lean back on right foot.

2. Toss ball up. Left arm goes up all the way and after letting ball go goes even higher. Wrist is like handing a cup of coffee up high to someone on a ladder. Use shoulder to toss, not fingers. During toss left arm is parallel to net.

3. Take step forward with right foot while at the same time raising racquet up to throwing position. Left arm stays totally up and even higher if possible. Left arm is much higher up than throwing arm.

4. Bring down left arm as you swing right arm to hit the ball.

One falls into predicaments because: one insists on doing the right thing with little to no regard for one's own self interest, bad luck, making bad choices. One escapes a predicament by exceptional athletic abilities, the help of friends, intelligence creativity, special powers, luck.

Read the Gilded Chain by Dave Duncan... and have no recollection of it at all.... I remember the Reluctant Swordsman which was a series by him I didn't finish.... Oh yes. The Gilded Chain a guard for the King. A bit of magic. These guards have a sword shoved into their chest by the person they are going to guard. It's magic. The king has many such guards but the hero is the best ever swordsman, etc, etc and the King makes him his right hand man. Rollicking good tale.

Then read the Piebald Prince by the master, Robin Hobb. Only 80 pages long. Unhappy ending. Very very good. Exceptional. As expected.

And then reread Tschai. To me it is somehow just such a wonderful tale. And I absorbed it better this time than in the past. ZAP 210 I think I didn't like the love interest before and was figuratively holding my noise. This time didn't feel that way. Ends with Adam Reith, his three friends and four technicians taking off in a spaceship, leaving Tschai..... Wish it didn't end but hard to imagine how.

Everytime I try to use my laptop my nine month old comes running. Oh well.

Tennis. Just about there now. Determined the serve grip determines how much you should face the court on the serve. With an almost eastern forehand grip should just about face straight up, with almost eastern backhand you should be turned sideways. I've been trying to stand a bit sideways while using almost eastern forehand. This means a sort of hitch in the middle of my motion where I really lose accuracy. I dislike facing straight toward the service box though. May experiment more with almost eastern backhand service grip.

Andy Murray backhand now and very happy with it. Extremely good return of serve today. And really trying to hit a two hand forehand drive instead of Santoro style. Because I want to be able to hit winners and not get totally destroyed by anyone. Went pretty well today but still getting used to it. Actually lost to Chi trying to play this way. Oh well.

I wrote about ten hours worth of music. Mostly stopped 5 years ago. Haven't even listened to any of it in probably a year now. Feel afraid now to go back and listen to it. If I still think it's really good, that will make me very sad and/or angry about how no one ever gave it the time of day. If I go back and find that I no longer like it, that I now think it sucks, then I'll feel bad that I spent so much time on a total fail.

S never gave a damn about my music. I find myself still just sickened by what she did after being a (I thought) close friend for so many years. Still being friends with her sister is serving as a constant reminder. But she never gave a damn about my music, so fuck her. Other "friends" sort of, kind of cared. They at least were impressed, though it's not like they then wanted to just listen and listen to it, which is understandable. I didn't expect it to take the world by storm. Or be something for any but a very small minority. A minority that it never reached. But S didn't value creativity in others. I could list many other negatives but that's the one that matters.

I'm going to make a CD for B. Just to see.

....yes, my music is beautiful. No matter that the world is blind (and deaf). No matter that I live in an evil world where other people don't care about the creativity of the people they personally know.

Why write?

1. To show what could be
2. Art is the lie that brings us closer to the truth (increase understanding)
3. Simple escape from this world
4. Strengthen our mysticism
5. To help people survive their lives

Are these reasons actually worth writing?

Currently I only write when in a really bad mood and wanting an escape beyond the reading of other books. I'm not in that bad of a mood often enough.

I suppose these are worthy reasons. Provided I can remember them.

Writing rules
1. Something hidden from some other character in the book that isn't hidden from the reader
1a. Striving towards justice
2. Something hidden from the reader
3. An escape
4. Something beautiful combined with hardship and injustice (I forget about the beauty part.)

I keep trying to hit a topspin two hand forehand and keep finding I do better if I slice it instead. In doubles I feel like I have to hit it flat or with topspin but in singles it really seems like slice does better. I hit far fewer errors and opponents have to generate the own pace. But I keep messing around with it. I'd like to hit hard. The young guys generally hit extreme topspin and probably dismiss me when they see me just slicing it. Of course even top pros just slice it (Stevie Johnson, Fabrice Santoro) but... I'd still like to be able to hit hard. Which if the opponent rushes the net, then yes, I can hit flat or with topspin and pass just fine. But if they stay back I hit more unforced errors than winners.

So I'll keep practicing. Maybe it will continue to improve.

But the slice is really getting good. The precision is increasing. It has to be a pain in the butt to play against. Got a new racquet (Prince Precision Equipe Longbody). It's actually lighter and so in getting the weight up to 14.75 ounces, I've ended up making it more head heavy. Which is seems to be a good thing. Elbow feels good and I've got more power.

But, don't know what it's strung with. Surely NXT 18 will be just as soft and as powerful. But don't know for sure yet.

Finally went back to putting topspin on my serve, as I probably already mentioned. Wish I had done so against Cooke. Did so against Chi and had maybe one or two double faults. And he had a lot of trouble with my serve.

Finished Dave Duncan's 8 book series. A Man of His Word and A Handful of Men. First book was The Magic Casement.

Divided humankind into Jotnar-football/rugby like sailors who like to brawl. Goblins-like to rape and torture, not intelligent. Imps-Romans, order/structure/curious/physically nondescript. Fauns-stubborn and like animals. Fairies-? magic comes from them. Trolls-large, ugly, very peaceful, seemingly stupid, but not really. Dwarves-greedy, stolid, unimaginative. Elves-artists. Djinns-Arabs, treat women like shit. Pixies-similar to elves, very afraid, hide and live simple lives in the woods.

Did as is generally done with characters but for races. Stereotypes. But as I went to a local football game (got invited and went for the hell of it) I couldn't help but think of the jotnars as that's pretty much who surrounded me.

Sounds like no big deal and isn't really but I liked it while at the football game. At this stage of my life wanting to play football is very foreign to me and I guess I'll dvr the local college team's game but I certainly don't have much interest anymore. Maybe just because I'm back into tennis. Football seems very stupid. Lots of injuries. Lots of standing around. Few guys ever actually touch the ball. Very few plays that are actually fun to watch. But I always knew that, yet got into it anyway. Anyway now it's like a bunch of jotnar, perhaps with some goblins mixed in.

In the first four books the hero (Rap) is getting power (magic words give you power). And I like him. He isn't the typical perfectly bland harry potter type hero. For example trying to not hold it against someone that they're good looking. That's exactly the sort of thing I would think and it isn't quite typical. Super ethical. Refuses to take power, etc. The following four are not as good. Too many separate plot threads. Bouncing around too much to people I never quite care very much about.

And so very little bad ever happens to main characters... or at least that's how it feels. None of them ever die. And you know they won't. And it gives it a light hearted tone that doesn't draw you in quite as much.

Yes Inos (Rap's wife) does get raped. Somehow that even doesn't feel like a big deal. She easily deals with it. Rap does get tortured and wants to die at one point. But he has magical powers and then heals himself.

If someone important had died early. Well, Thaile's husband and child were killed... and she certainly didn't shrug it off. But there's just a light feel to the tone/style.

Anyway, 8 books. It was a nice escape from reality.

Lost in the finals 6-4, 6-3. To my nemesis Mr. Cooke. He's beaten me like 6 times in a row. I must have hit about 15 double faults and finally near the end moved a bit away from an eastern forehand serve grip and finally won a service game. I double faulted at my ad in my previous service game. Lots of close games. I guess it was a promising. The forehand and backhand weren't the problem really. Bad serving mainly. And should have come in to the net a bit more. Really want this one back. Think I could have had him.

Was up 30 love in the last game. And then....... he sliced it to my forehand and came in and what the hell? Didn't prepare to hit a drive until too late and then weakly hit a crap shot out. Then went for a bit much on a backhand, hit it long. Then weirdly hit a forehand drive on a short ball that I had been successfully slicing the whole match and hit it like 5 feet long.

Stupid mental errors and double faults. I could see double bageling this guy. But he's far better than anyone else in the league. He does mix it up. High / low. Fast / slow. Moves it around. So it's a bit tricky. But really I handled that stuff pretty well. Should have came in more.

Just need to play him more often. And get more consistent on the serve. Simply getting the damn thing in could have been the difference.

Not to mention I called about three balls in that were out. Lost a game that way.

In other news think I have something precancerous. Unhappy about that. A bit annoyed with wife as it's on the back of my head where I can't see and she allayed my fears for quite a while. Finally I must face that it's not getting better. So yet another health issue despite a far healthier lifestyle than the average person.

I lost my toughness also I must say. Haven't been trying to be a tough person at all for a long time now. Maybe I should bring some toughness back. I guess the living has been good enough that I haven't needed it. Maybe I should envision myself as a tough person even though the living has been kind of good. Because all in all I've been kind of unhappy. Unhappy about no longer having parents and how S ended our friendship without ever even speaking to us.

About S though, clearly she has mental issues. I knew that from the start. And what she did was quite weird. Doesn't make sense. Makes at least a little sense if she was thinking of me in an inappropriate way. But then, she manages to do that with everyone eventually.

I tried to help her and I failed. I keep trying to fix broken people and I keep failing.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And 6-1, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And then I went and played a guy who later beat the number 4 ranked player in the state 6-1, 6-2. He beat me 6-1, 6-0. But in retrospect I could have done a lot better. I got psyched out. If I just served decent I could have held serve at least a few more times.

Then I beat Chi 6-2, 6-3 and Daniel 6-2, 6-4. Not playing as well. Was thinking about how just getting it back works great against these club players but really didn't work against a really good player. Then I played doubles with some really good players and started doing more than hitting a Santoro slice forehand. Started hitting a drive. And it was working really well. Next day I took the ball machine and found I could almost hit it in everytime. Just as accurate as the slice.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And 6-1, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. Lost 16 games in my last 14 sets and not impressed. Just feel like I'm playing a bunch of people who aren't very good. Today he kept missing so many easy shots. Could have lost a lot more games but for all his unforced errors. This weekend will be a real test. Shouldn't have lost a game today. Although forgot to adjust a few times when changing sides with that constant wind.

Really worried I'm going to get a migraine. Vision was funny today. Ate a tiny bit of cheese at work... Not smart. Going to take zzquil and pray..... Felt blah today after feeling so good yesterday.

Beautiful summer ruined by S and my parents. Hard to be happy with what they did. Will take a while to come to terms with both, parents more I guess. But both. Hawthy has been wonderful though. Feel bad when I play tennis and don't get to see him in the evenings. Hate to miss even a day of him slowy growing/learning.

Switched to my left hand in the hand shake grip and my right in continental on backhand and a double semi-western on forehand.

Since I've made this switch I've played four times and haven't even come close to losing a set.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0.

Mostly haven't even been serving good. But once the point gets going, I don't miss. And my opponents aren't hitting winners.

Almost too easy but not really hard competition. We shall see soon. Big tournament next weekend and JC, who I've never beat, in a couple weeks.

Also tried not taking a step on the serve today. Blah. That didn't work.

Having trouble coming to terms with "disowning" my family. This is due to memory issues for one. But also because it's so nice to pretend they weren't hell for the last 40 years. Would be nice to pangloss things. Certainly tried to, very hard, for decades. But all that bending over backwards just made them push harder and harder, till I had enough. And now it's like, wow, I put up with all that for decades?

So I have no parents/siblings now. But what did I use to have? Was that a family? Was that ever a family? They were at best just a blank. And generally far worse. I was crushed by them. And now I'm just an echo of what I once was.

Really what a horror my childhood was. What unspeakable shit they all always were to me. All memories of my youth are tinged in red. And they never quit since then. Barbarians. Poor me. Should just have gotten away so much sooner. But I forget. It's so nice to pretend. To pangloss.

I really like Dead Can Dance. Their most recent album with Children of the Sun. That's a very good one. But then also there is one I think called Amnesia that I really like. Have it tied into the end of Buelhman's Children of a Lesser God. Great song even without that association. And then additionally there is another song on the album that sounds like dying and not being unhappy about it. I don't want to die. But a song that can make one not feel unhappy about the prospect is a pretty damn good song. "All your ships have left the harbor".... pictured a book where an entire culture is decimated in a war. A book about that culture and it's demise. That somehow was readable...

Such strong vague feelings. Are they strong exactly because they're vague?

Or imagine just dying and traveling across a now empty world, reviewing it I guess.... Was a second song that also managed this or was there?

Listened to this album to death. Finally moving on to another. Another album that at first I only thought was OK but I find myself really wanting to give it a chance and now really starting to like some other songs. Engima of the Absolute really growing on me. And there songs that make me feel like I'm in the middle ages, etc.

Haven't bothered to try to write music hardly at all for quite a while and have even quit playing the cello and viola lately. Because it's time away from my son's first year of life. But I did mess around the other day. There is some machine in the pharmacy. It makes this industrial sort of repetitive noise that actually sounds very musical. I went home and in some sense tried to recreate it. And came up with a nice little intricate loop. And then stuck.

And thinking a problem in my writing is making intricate loops instead of longer song structures. Forget the intricacy.

Played tennis yesterday and won 6-3, 6-0. I always seem to start slow. Though also was being careful as I tweaked my back 5 days previous. Do feel like my game is on now. And am trying to beat people 6-0. I always offer to hit afterwards. To beat someone like that and then not offer, or even worse turn down their offer is in extremely poor form.

Read that a 16 hour fast is really good for you. Which equals simply skipping breakfast. Been doing so and feeling pretty good. ...except been eating a couple dates right before bed. So really only a 12 hour fast I guess.

I won in doubles for the end of the year local tournament. But there was only a semifinals and final. And the final was against the 6th ranked male player in the state and a woman. She's an OK player. But no spin, not much pace. Generally just gets it back. Easy to jump all over her serve. So, anyway, my serve was very good. She couldn't get it back. But then the 6th ranked player in the state also had a really hard time. Kept hitting it to my net man. We both held serve every time. As did the 6th ranked player. Broke the girl's serve and won 8-5. My first serve was about 65%.

In the semifinals we played a couple of high school tennis coaches and beat them 8-4.

In singles I lost to an older guy. He broke my serve twice and I only broke his serve once. He really played well and somehow I just kept coming close to breaking him and couldn't quite finish him off. And then he played lights out one of my service games and I double faulted three times in a row in another. I think I'm better than him. Oh well. Court surface is some weird carpet that the ball skids on. Wonder how much that mattered.

Tonight I played Chi. I win half of our sets 6-1 or 2 and the other half are closer with me almost always winning. Today I beat him 6-0, 6-0, 6-1. I really feel like I'm improving. The two hand slice forehand with a double semi-western is very good. Chi apparently isn't terribly impressed and purposely hits to it. While I'm also busy running around my backhand to hit it even more. I'm hitting lots of winners with it. Rarely hit errors.

My backhand was extremely good today. Hit with a ball machine beforehand and I just about hit 50 in a row without missing. I can only recall missing during our match 4 times... Three ROS in the net and one ball crosscourt that was just wide. For the first time ever I had my right hand in a continental grip while my left was closer to an eastern forehand grip than a continental. It was just the right amount of topspin. With a double eastern forehand grip I don't hit enough topspin. With a double continental, it's too much. This feels perfect.

And then strangely a double semi-western at the net. Really like how both the forehand and backhand feel that way.

Finally have it figured out I think.

Additionally played this guy who recently beat me when I was almost passing out from the heat. And I beat him 6-1, 7-5. And I was down 5-0, 40-love in the second set and came back. So not counting a hiccup in the middle I really mowed him down. And then played another guy and won 6-3, 6-2. That guy I was down 3-1 and then won 11 of the last 13 games. I really think I'm close to being pretty damn good.

Today I had a migraine in the morning for the first time in a while. I drank about two beers from a keg last night for the first time in a while. Really felt awful this morning. And then I took 600 of advil (which may blunt it for a few hours at best for one time) and zzquil. I think the zzquil knocked it out. First time something ever knocked it out. Although it's only been 9 hours. zzquil wears off around that time and my migraines usually last two days. So I shall see. But if it did knock it out, it's the first thing that ever did so. It makes sense as it's an immune reaction. But I had thought I used it before and it didn't work...

In a decent mood. I have two friends! Two! And my wife is great. And my son is great so far. My job is pretty decent.. Somewhat coming to terms with my parents and S. Thinking about it less.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
It was a bit light. Nice idea but ultimately not all that deep considering it's supposed to be about gods in general, which is such a vast subject. All the forgotten gods throughout time. Not terrible either. Better than I've ever managed certainly. Shadow was a bit simplistic. Has free time and sits around practicing card tricks. Dead wife says it's like he's half dead and well I guess, yes. Simplistic thought processes. But I enjoyed it as I read it.

Given up on Malazan, just randomly goes on and on in a pretty meaningless way.

Started the Magic Casement by Dave Duncan and LOVE the first page or so. The description of the weather, terrain/geography. At least the first page or so anyway. That kind of detail is so important.

Just about there with the tennis.

Things to do to play tennis well.

Serve:
1. Almost an eastern forehand grip.
2. Toss the ball while doing nothing else. Then raise racquet and take step.
3. Don't worry about getting a ton of spin or jumping up, worry about being very precise. Keep all movements well controlled and worry about getting just the perfect angle.
4. Really try to get the first serve in. Take just a tinsy bit off. Don't try to absolutely kill it. Be precise, With an eastern forehand grip, I'm going to hit it hard without really trying.

Groundstrokes:
1. On return of serve stand facing to the right. This keeps the backhand out in front of the body and at least partially keeps the left foot out in front for forehands.
2. Really try to get turned for the forehand. Left foot way out in front. Can easily hit lots of two hand slice forehand winners as long as I get turned. Use double semi-western grip for slice, drive and flat forehand. Run around the backhand to hit the slice forehand.
3. Try to keep racquet out in front of the body on the backhand. Use semi-western on right hand and eastern forehand going slightly towards continental on left hand.
4. Much better to take long smooth steps than lots of small steps I think...

Cross training:
1. Ride a bike. Way better than running.
2. Do a bit of easy running just to keep back good.
3. Some messing around with a weighted racquet.

Today I was down 3-1 and then won 11 or the next 13 games. Big difference was getting my footwork down. Of course how aggressive and hard hitting my opponent is, plays a role in how good my footwork is.

The main difference between good people and bad people is that good people are trying to see the good in others while bad people are trying to see the bad in others.

Trying to see the good in everyone is great, but if you spend your free time with someone with questionable morals, someone who has a track record of treating people badly, sooner or later you'll most likely get what you've earned. No matter that you were just trying to see the good in them; no matter that you were just trying to believe in them; such are nice notions but meanwhile, there were other people that you passed up. People who right here, right now, are good people. Instead you chose a less savory individual. When that person gets around to giving you the same treatment they've given others, you have actually earned it. By picking them in the first place, you have earned it

S. has decided I'm a horrible person and has blocked and unfriended both me and my wife. She did all this without ever actually speaking to me. Just texting. Texting ugly stuff about not much really. Nothing remotely to justify such a thing. Except I kept asking her to actually speak to me, trying to get her to understand how much it was upsetting me that she was only texting me and refusing to speak to me any other way.

And so finally she said I was trying to manipulate her, that I wasn't really upset at all. And this was a horrible thing for me to have done and blocked/unfriended.

Why do I pick crazy people to have as friends? Why? Why? Why?

I know why. But I also ought to know that this is what I get. I shouldn't be as upset as I am. But I'm really upset. I'm drive over to her house and sit on her front porch upset.

Because.... it's the breakdown of society. People who have been friends for more than 5 years ending things by text. Without ever having spoken to you about what they're unhappy about.

I try to take a step back... and when I do. It's clearly just a crazy person. And there's nothing to be done. It's not the breakdown of society. It's just yet another person who has some undiagnosed mental health issues. It's not the banal culmination of the history of human interactions. It's just yet another person who has some undiagnosed mental health issues. It's not further proof that we all just can't get along and all friendships are doomed. It's just yet another person who has some undiagnosed mental health issues. It's not remotely a representative sample. I keep picking out the most eccentric people I can find to be friends with. And they all have issues dammit! Never found one yet that was eccentric for the right reasons.

This one kind of takes the cake. She was constantly demonizing people. A 30 something who had never had a significant other. If I had any sense I shouldn't have gotten within 20 feet of her.

I keep trying to find people who are meaningfully eccentric because they disagree with some social norms. Instead I just keep finding people who are incapable of successfully following/understanding social norms.

I have romanticized eccentricism.

The experiences of my life are a skewed sample from which I can draw no meaningful conclusions because I've romanticized eccentrics.

Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki by Haruki Murakami
About the psychological trauma a man suffers for decades when his four closest friends suddenly reject him without ever even speaking to him. One of the best 50 books I've read.

Pick out the one person who manages to get fired from a job basically cleaning toilets and pushing beds around at a hospital. A person who has a serious problem in incorrectly assuming ugly things of people. A person who has made it to their 30's without ever having a serious significant other. A person who other than feeling sorry for them, for being so messed up, you like because they're "honest". How do you know they're "honest"? Because they are constantly saying ugly things. Of course all kinds of people could be just as honest or more so who aren't constantly thinking/saying ugly things.... Unfortunately it's a bit harder to tell.

A person who is highly jealous. Who refuses to speak by phone and keeps assuming ugly things by text. You hang out with this person's sister who is so depressed they've stopped going to work and their still too busy just being jealous.

And finally, clearly not honest. Your wife has a baby and they suddenly never ask you to do anything again going on 7 months and they don't admit anything is wrong, say they still want to be friends.

Better people to spend one's time with (just about anyone really): This person's sister. Who has virtually no friends strangely enough, while the bitch has tons. The sister probably lacks confidence to go after people, for one thing. For another she tries to hard to please, perhaps.

The evening coordinator who talks negative about herself.

What about friggin men? Why aren't there any men to be friends with? I've met enough playing tennis. Somehow... it's almost like the puzzle pieces don't fit together.... lol. I had an attraction to the orderly who managed to get fired. Really love the way she looks. This unfortunately has played a role. Kidding myself to think otherwise. Singular looks. Definitely not a barbie doll. Never seen anyone who looks remotely like her. Though I never did anything inappropriate I'm afraid this plays a role.

And could with her sister.

But I'm being a bit hard on myself. Would like to be friends with the cello playing lady at work who is not attractive to me at all. I think she thinks it's inappropriate since I'm male.

Playing tennis isn't a basis for much of a friendship though. I just don't find sporty people very interesting usually. Not much for reading or any arts it seems. I strike up conversations with them all. But no one has shown me anything special. Some nice guys certainly. But not much basis to become friends really.

What is that thing that makes one take it that extra step? Really one has so little free time anyway. The spark of an attraction. Some arcane hobby in common. There is time for so few. It has to be something pretty unusual.

I'm sad I have so few friends. (Bordering on zero.) But if I had a few more I'd have more than I have time for.

OK. Almost to the end of my tennis experimentation. Two hand backhand with eastern forehand grip. Two hand forehand with semiwestern grip for topspin and slice. Attempting to hit volleys with both hands on racquet in eastern forehand grip. Overheads... I dunno. Maybe eastern forehand. Serves... down to messing with the serve. Experimenting with eastern backhand grip (almost) on the serve.

I've been successfully running 1/2 intervals (60 secs fast/120 secs slow). In the past my right knee couldn't handle this. In general potentially hard on the body. With short very controlled strides I've been ok for a week or two now.

Trying to eat applesauce every morning for breakfast (heated). Been doing so for almost a month now or so I think. Finally found a way to eat fruit. Having just rice, peas and tomato sauce usually for lunch. For dinner I eat out (indian, burritoes/fries, etc) or have good bread toasted with hummus or tomato sauce, or Amy's burritoes, or rice and beans/peas. In other words starting to truly eat healthy. Completely sworn off cheese which causes migraines for me (along with cancer and cardiovascular disease). And being careful of foods with preservatives (migraines). So really eating healthy finally. No salty chips (migraines/kidney stones). No chocolate (migraines). Not too much sugar (migraines). Thanks to migraines I eat healthy now! And I don't get migraines anymore it seems.

Zone One by Colson Whitehead
Recommended by Christopher Buehlman. Called pretentious by hundreds of amazon reviewers. Zombie apocalapse(sp). Not much of a story. Got distracted 52% in and forgot about it. Not sure I'll bother finishing. The main character is dull.

The Better Angels of our Nature by Steven Pinker
We're getting less violent he says. His evidence is convincing. He belabors the point. Stopped 25%. Should skim ahead as it very well could get interesting again.

Went to a book thing in Gaithersburg, MD. Just happened to be there for something else. I loved it. But these things are always so far away and I didn't love it quite enough to drive 4 hours just for it. Maybe someday when Hawthy is older I'll see about any in Pittsburgh... Anyway there must have been 100 published authors there. Only one fantasy fiction guy I think (not counting the children's area). Aire. I got a sample on kindle. It has the memorable line. "'Grandmother', said Annie's granddaughter." And so on.

But I did enjoy listening to this one lady who writes teen fiction go on and on. J did too. Got me wanting to write again. But I haven't. Was so hot though so we left early worried it was bad for Hawthy.

Steven Erikson's Malazan series.
Held off for the silly reason that I didn't want to read military fantasy fiction. Well maybe it wasn't so silly though. The first book is very inventive. Tattersail with her cards. What his name getting his soul but in a wooden doll. Moon's Spawn. But it goes a little overboard with powerful wizards popping up everywhere at the end. And no one person is quite likable enough. Paran almost. But not really. Book two isn't as good but supposedly it picks up again.

So after all these years I think that's it for S. Unless she makes an amazing and sudden turnaround. I became friends with her sister and my wife had a baby. Not sure if it was just one of these things or both. They both coincide with a very sudden and strange change in her behavior. Well I shouldn't say so strange. I've seen her act like this with other people. Why do I pick out the one person who I've ever seen manage to get fired as a hospital orderly? Why do I do this? Is it just that I'm attracted to broken people? That I want to fix them/help them? Or J wonders, do I want "friends" that I can feel superior to/have power over? It's definitely worth thinking about, but I really don't think the latter is the case.

I think perhaps part of it is that everyone is either boring or crazy and I keep choosing crazy. At least J is boring instead of crazy.

It does depress me that she did this. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. But then, it's nice not to worry abut people who keep trying to start shit with me also. I don't think I'm going to choose to hang out with any more crazy people. But as one gets older it gets harder and harder to make any new friends. Not sure I'll every make any more.

It seems my need to experiment with all the possibilities has followed me into tennis.

1. Backhand slice with eastern forehand grip-can really take a rip at the ball and hit huge backspin. Can be harder to get much pace though.
2. Backhand slice with continental grip-less backspin, have to be careful not to swing too hard, does better on low balls than eastern forehand grip though. Does get more pace though.
3. Backhand slice with eastern backhand grip-has more of an awkward follow through and can hurt the heel of your hand. Gets a side spin which is kind of useless really.

4. One hand backhand drive with eastern forehand grip-no topspin but otherwise not as bad as it might seem.
5. One hand backhand drive with continental grip-still can't get much topspin with any meaningful control. Feels beautiful if just hitting easy but can't get aggressive with it.
6. One hand backhand drive with eastern backhand grip-much better for hitting topsin. Lower balls still a possibility.
7. One hand backhand drive with extreme eastern backhand grip-low balls are just too hard. Also shoulder muscle starts bothering me with trying to swing upwards so hard.

8. Two handed backhand-I find the eastern forehand grip for both hands the best. Bringing one of both hands around for more topspin might seem like a good idea but I mishit balls and don't get enough pace on them. With two hands you can be more precise and good ahead and hit pretty flat. Although I can still hit topspin and backspin with the double eastern forehand grip.

9. Forehand slice with continental grip or (10.) eastern forehand grip-I've had more practice with continental but this is one that I don't think matter much. Eastern forehand feels slightly less natural but can still work fine with practice, I think.

11. One hand forehand drive- continental is too awkward, while the (12 and 13) extreme topspin grips mean you start leaning back away from the ball and throwing your body around too much, thus too many errors and not enough pace through the court also. (14) Eastern gives enough topspin without going overboard and can also hit backspin.

15. Two handed forehand-but people still hit so many errors on their forehands and when your racquet weighs over 15 ounces this is especially an issue. With two hands both in the eastern forehand position I have so much better control still with plenty of power. Can still hit topspin along with backspin or perfectly flat as I have so much control. Additionally it's easier on the arm.

So I think I've settled on two handed backhand and forehands using the eastern forehand grip (or maybe slightly over to the handshake grip) for both hands. Hitting drives and slices this way. Except when serving I take short balls with a one handed continental grip right now. In large part because I don't want to hit the serve with a continental grip, switch to eastern for the short ball and then switch back to continental for volleys.

Thinking to try eastern forehand volleys.

Think playing with a very heavy racquet with two hands is a very good idea that I don't think maybe has ever (?) been done.

Dear Hawthy,
So in 2014 your aunt Tara's husband bought a porsche. Porsches are extremely expensive cars. He bought one and hid it from my stepfather. He hid it because he had so little money my stepfather and mother were paying for their groceries, etc. And yet he has enough money to buy a porsche. So in effect he's stealing from them. After many months of this I finally told my stepfather. In return my sister threatened to have your mom's frozen embryos destroyed, claimed I was physically abusing their sons and many other things. Almost a year later we're not speaking and she's offended with me. Why? Not because of the porsche because that just makes her look bad. No, instead she invents other reasons. Because that's what shitty people do. The actual reason was the porsche. Although she has always been a kind of shitty person. Endless ugly stories could be told. So, whatever.

Interestingly her parents (my mother and stepfather) took her side in this. My mom doesn't have much in her that is logical. She just likes this one daughter of hers pretty much no matter what. Instead my mom was just upset with me because I was destroying the family by informing her husband that he was being stolen from. Extremely upset. Screaming insults at me. And so she went on and on for months. Causing us extreme stress during the later stages of of your mom's pregnancy with you. Despite us pleading with her to please stop it. That the stress wasn't good for the baby. She dismissed such concerns and continued.

And my stepfather was not all that much better.

The main concern of both was that THE FAMILY IS EVERYTHING! And that in response to threatening to have your mom's embryos destroyed, claiming I was abusing her children, etc (all of which they just dismissed out of hand). I had to just make nice. Continue to spend my free time around these people. I point out things are at the point that there could be a physical altercation and someone could end up in jail and they dismiss that also. So what if I go to jail? Who cares? The important thing is we pretend everything is just great and continue to sit around in the same house at holidays.

And amazingly, I agree to do so.

I spend the next holiday in my sister's freezing house (they're both very fat and don't easily get cold). Finally after spending a day and a half there I want to watch something on TV. On a channel they don't get. So I make it clear many hours before that at noon I'm going home to watch something on TV. And still when noon comes... they throw a huge fit. Sister cussing me out, mother screaming crap, stepfather acting like I have something wrong with me. Etc.

These people are driving me crazy.

Mind you, this stepfather is the same man who physically beat me regularly throughout my child and constantly threatened physical violence. He had me in constant fear. He'd tell me I was of less use to the world than piss, etc. And otherwise did nothing with me. Never taught me anything. Never played a sport with me. Pretty much crushed whoever I might have become in life. Had no interest in who I was or what I thought. I needed to just shut up and act like him. This man that I had nothing at all in common with.

And returning back to 2014/5 he was of course convinced he was an awesome parent. Completely forgot that he ever hit me even once. Thinks he was a great parent in every way possible. If I'm not where I might be in life (qualified for the triple nines society, three degrees and severely underemployed) it's just because there must be something wrong with me (I had a mentally unstable boss who suffered extreme bouts of irrational paranoia. She would decide people were out to get her and then do everything she could to destroy them. And she was successful in my case.) Which he likes to go on and on about. "Yes, you could have accomplished anything if only you had just done as you were told, but there's something wrong with you..."

Yes, these people are driving me crazy.

And so, after you were born, my stepfather went on for three months about how he wasn't going to be very close to you because I didn't give you his middle name (Ram). Seriously. Talking about how he was going to have to reconsider his will. (He's gone on and on for years about his will, exactly like a total ass would do.)

This makes me angry. It's one fight after another for 40 years with these people. And in between the fights, my mother and stepfather do nothing but lay in bed. Seriously whenever I come over to visit I just go to the bedroom because it doesn't matter what time it is, they're going to be laying in bed. For 35 years at least. They fight and otherwise lay in bed. Nothing physically wrong with either. That's just what they "do". No hobbies. Watch TV. Look at the stockmarket. That's it. Give the same lecture about how being a miser is the most important thing in the world and that's it.

And it's been one fight after another with them and I've bent over backwards for decades. Tried to put up with them. Tried to think the best. Tried to be like the third son in Kurosawa's famous movie Ran.

And finally, at the age of 42 I manage to have a beautiful son. It should be such a happy time. And still just endless fighting (I've left out a million similar ridiculous stories from the decades before). In fact strangely enough they lay it on much thicker at this time, almost like they want my pregnant wife to have a miscarriage. And then he talks about taking me out of his stupid fucking will when I'm the only person in the whole damn family who's tried to be honest with him instead of just avoiding having a conversation with him at all costs like my two sisters.

And when I get angry about how ridiculous he is for acting this way, what does my mom do? She attacks me.

And so I finally told them I would have nothing more to do with them. If I inherit any money I will not accept it. I told my mother she could still see you though. And interestingly a month has now passed (you are now 4 months old) and she has not come to see you even once (she lives two minutes away and is retired).

So that's that. This was written quickly because it's far preferable to just not waste anymore time thinking about these people. But I will perhaps forget so well that I won't be able to explain why we don't speak to them.

I really haven't caught the essence of what it was growing up with these people. Haven't tried to. Sometimes though I think of how I want to treat you, the things I want to do for you and compare to how my childhood was and it's just ridiculous. I never had a chance in life because of my parents. Your life will surely be so much better. I want so bad to make it so much better. I am so looking forward to your future. I won't force you to be anything. I will see who you are and try to do whatever I can to help you succeed in whatever it is you want to succeed in. I will spend actual time with you. My parents never spent any time with me. You won't spend your evenings alone in a house in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but watch sitcoms on the 3 channels the TV gets.

And I'm happy with the handshake grip. Although my backhand was mostly better because I tried to keep my arms mostly straight and come through like most pros. The forehand was a bit shaky, kept hitting it long. So I lost 7-6, 6-1 to Jay Cooke. The second set had lots of close games though. Was really a close match. Really pretty happy with it although I ripped a blister on my toe and wrenched my shoulder blade when serving up the T in the deuce court. For it being the first time I ever played with that grip I'm very happy. Expect I'll improve, provided I remember to keep hands close to straight on backhand.

Elbow has been feeling great since I switched to a McEnroe like serve. Did a somewhat better job moving it around today also. Though I fatigued in the second set. Won a bunch of service games at love in the first set. Could see blowing this guy out on down the road.

Now trying out the "handshake grip" that Connors used. Between an eastern and continental but very close to eastern. Trying to just hit pretty flat and also hit two hands on backhand with arms very straight.

Christopher Buehlman. Read his four books. The Lesser Dead is very good. The medieval plague one (Between Two Fires) was pretty good although the characters weren't as realistic as in the Lesser Dead. The werewolf one (Those Across the River) was pretty good. The 30's South was well done and very realistic characters. It had very little of the supernatural in it though. The Necromancer's House was kind of cute. Very inventive but in some way not terribly serious. Lesser Dead was the best of the bunch. And that's all he's written so far. So that's that.

I'd rank them Lesser Dead, Necromancer's House, Those Across the River and Between Two Fires is last. Although 14th century with the Black Death is a great time period. The characters just aren't as real. Maybe too much of the supernatural and killing right from the beginning.

Very happy with the warmer weather. Hawthy is waxing. Disowned parents but said they can still see Hawthy. Which means they might pull me back in for more hell. But I tried to say very cruel things to make that less likely (was pretty honesty). They have driven me to the edge. If they were anyone other than my parents I certainly would have no association with them long ago. If they cared, they'd just leave me alone. But they don't listen. (the problem in the first place). Completely ignore whatever I say. And continue to try to force me into dangerous situations. Or manipulate me into them. I really should be allowed to simply not be around them. A point is reached where it's incredibly stupid to continue playing with fire. Told them if I inherit any of the millions I won't accept it. But for Hawthy's sake maybe that was wrong to say.

Going to matches early and hitting on racquetball court. Was practicing a two hand forehand and totally forgot about an eastern forehand...

From most control/least power to least control/most power:
1. Slice backhand
2. Two handed backhand
3. Beginning with two hands but left hand letting go before contact
4. One hand backhand
a. continental
b. eastern
c. extreme eastern

1. Slice forehand
2. Two hand forehand
3. One hand forehand
a. continental
b. eastern
c. semiwestern
d. western

Because of tennis elbow issues I've had to start using a very heavy racquet. 15 ounces and it definitely makes a difference. Unfortunately I need it for my serve, (that's the shot that hurts my elbow). I like to hit a lot of topspin on my groundstrokes though and that doesn't go well with a heavy racquet. So I've been trying to change my grip to hit less topspin (eastern forehand grip). It worked really well one day. (Beat Brewster 6-0, 6-3.) Next I played doubles and it didn't work well at all. Although it's harder to get a rhythm in doubles and maybe it was fatigued or something from that very first time. Thinking instead to just choke up on groundstrokes.

Serve
1. Stand like McEnroe.
2. Don't bounce the ball.
3. Do a bit of a rocking motion like Becker to help keep the toss good.
4. Turn your torso into the court and swing your arm around at the same time.
5. Don't lean torso downwards as you swing your arm.
6. Keep the swing very smooth for the sake of your arm if nothing else.

So much to remember on serve compared to other shots.

Forehand
(Choke up?) No idea what to do. Other than be smooth....

Backhand
1. Continental grip
2. Backswing like going to hit a two handed backhand but actually hit it with either one hand or two hands, whatever feels comfortable for a given shot. Either way, lean forward.
4. Aim for corners or right at opponent.
5. When opponent is at net, most likely hit two handed

Or perhaps just keep western grip with right hand when hitting two hand backhand. At least on the serve? Not sure. And if I choke up on the forehand, hitting a two backhand may be a problem as the left hand is halfway not even on the handle. So I don't know. Was watching Fabrice Santoro and thinking I really like his two handed volleys also.

So either I switch to an eastern or continental or I choke up. On two handed backhand not sure if I should use continental or western grip. On ROS western may work better but otherwise then have a grip change if I want to hit a one handed slice or even drive.

Since I had kidney stones and spent a couple weeks in bed last summer I've pretty much quit playing the cello. And since I started playing tennis I've gone running less and less. Especially with the winter as I get so sick of the treadmill. With the birth of Hawthy I've especially gotten bad at these things and have really become very unhappy. Really having a pessimistic outlook.

This evening, instead of spending time with Hawthy, I got back from Cali, took a nap (couldn't sleep on the red eye) and went for a 50 minute run and then pulled out the cello.

I feel so much better. Though J guilts me. I have to get a couple runs in every week and keep playing the cello. On days I work I'm going to feel bad, not to mention J will continue to guilt me, but I HAVE to. Otherwise I just drive myself so far down.

I could say a lot of negative things about the cello. But it does something very positive for me that other music stuff doesn't. Do want to get a piano though, will have to see how that compares. Of course I have a bunch of synthesizers... lol. I never truly play them... Maybe should try to at least play some Muzio Clementi on them....

Read a couple Anne Bishop books. Daughter of the Blood and most of Heir to the Shadows. It's a dystopian world, which is good. Negatives include so little mention of normal people I wasn't entirely sure they even existed. Really counters the whole dystopian world thing. More like it's dystopian for a few people, no idea what it's actually like for the majority. And in some ways it's incredibly sappy. Very YA at the same time there's a lot of rape/sex. What especially hurts it is that I started instead reading The Necromancer's House by Christopher Buehlman which is written so much better.

J said something smart today. I go after people to be friends based on who seems intelligent, unique and needs help the most. Emphasis on the latter. Like at a party I go start a conversation with the saddest looking, most awkward person sitting in the corner by themselves. This is problematic for obvious reasons. I pick broken people who generally aren't able to quite treat me with the decency and respect that I give to them. And unfortunately, relationships are a power balance. The person who thinks they are inferior, will be unhappy in the relationship.

And so I went after S. She looked so miserable at work. Although also so honest. And unique. And I must admit I did like the way she looked....

Perhaps I'm making this up. Finding a way to make it OK to me that she isn't showing any concern for my feelings lately. It is bothering me that such is the case.

But perhaps she is feeling inferior? Maybe she doesn't even know. People don't know what goes on in their own mind.

Attempts to think are so often futile. I'm so lucky to have J though. Never any real issues in 16 years now. I could have been so miserable.

D. D sort of picked me. That probably works better, usually. I suppose J sort of picked me also.

Tried listening to minimalist tonight but I just want Chameleons. Just not getting tired of them. Years and years and years.


---------------------------------

The key to happiness in most relationships is finding a way to give people a free pass to not really treat you the way you would want to be treated. So try to remember such and such, who you have a good time with, really has some serious issues and that's just how they act... And so and so, who's company you really enjoy (mostly) unfortunately just isn't quite your equal, leading to subconscious malevolence.... And so on, find a way to give them free passes. Doesn't matter if it's bullshit. Or sounds elitist. Or whatever. Certainly don't share it with them. Just whatever works to stop you from getting upset. Because obviously someone is going to get treated like crap in 98% of friendships. Better it be the person most able to handle it. But when they steal your car, it's time to cut them loose. And this doesn't apply to your spouse. It's really good if you can manage to find at least one person in the world who actually measures up.

Currently trying to alternate running with an exercise bike while sitting. 8 or so minutes easy followed by a minute or two hard for each. Plus at least once a week on the elliptical with a 60 pound pack. This keeps my back good. I think Lendl had the right idea with the biking. If you sit it gets that ROM that aerobic running misses. But Lendl hurt his back. Thus the 60 pound pack. I'm finally able to sleep on my stomach lately. It's been such a long road back. So many years. Strange that a back can continue to "heal" 10 years after the injury. But not actual healing. Just a matter of strengthening to keep everything in place.

But only getting to do aerobic stuff maybe 3 days a week. Plus tennis once or twice.

It's incredibly important to have some friends. I may be losing S after all these years. I so much as suggest heel striking (when her achilles is injuried from non-heeling striking in vibrams) and she loses her shit saying I'm always pushing crap on her. No matter what I say she accuses me of something. I've barely mentioned the concept of veganism to her in 5 years, I'm married to a omnivore for 13, yet, supposedly I'm constantly trying to convert her. Etc.

Wanted to talk with her about these issues... and she couldn't be bothered. I got angry. Thought it basically meant she was done with me and it was a shitty way to go about being done with someone. She claims otherwise but now, "needs some time away from me." I wonder if she is done with me but just doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So it needs to be my fault, etc.

Must remember this is a lady in her early 30's, who I guess isn't gay, who's never had a serious boyfriend. One way or another she has some issues.

I love that she keeps it real (extremely honest). I crave this so badly. It's why I tried to befriend people long distance who refused to actually speak to me. I need realness. BUT, keeping it real leads to fights, usually.

I hope she'll get past this and we'll be friends all our lives. But I'm having my doubts. Should I ignore all my past experiences or try to learn from them? "Learning" from them means being a suspicious bastard I guess. Lately trying to unlearn what life has told me. Trying to remember S is very "quirky".

Tried to keep my elbow really straight and it was working... until I played two days in a row. Suddenly on day two very bad golfer's elbow. And arm still hurting a few days later. Something like pushing and rubbing against my head has actually caused very slight elbow "pain" for a few months I guess. But arm has been fine with tennis lately until playing two days in a row. 

Worried I'm working my way to needing surgery. Next I play going to try a eastern backhand grip and a cricket style pitching motion. This way my hand will never be behind my elbow, which hopefully should stop any additional elbow problems. 

It had seemed like keeping my arm straight with a continental grip was going to work very well but I guess not. Maybe I need six months off. But going to try this cricket style thing first......

Read Blindsight and Echopraxia by Peter Watts. Too much 'hey neato science nerd stuff'. And felt the overall tone wasn't sufficiently highbrow to support such a negative ending. Spoiler: the alien mold is going to take over earth.

Been number one in my tennis league for a couple weeks now. Didn't beat Jay C. He lost to someone else. Finally think I'm getting the hang of the one hand topspin backhand (with continental grip). Have to flip the wrist over.

Want to switch to a eastern forehand grip. Need to practice that a bit.

Got my serve working very well as far as control (and pace is quite good also). Placement getting very good. Trying very hard to keep arm straight so my arm doesn't hurt. Actually seem to still get topspin on it this way. And finding that I actually serve better this way anyway.

Played mixed doubles against indoor courts owner, college coach and some other lady yesterday. Had a good time.

The Hawth is 6 weeks old and it's all kind of amazing. Like slowly nurturing a plant but it's a quite a bit more than that.

Been a good time lately I guess. No evil people have been bothering me lately and haven't been so worried about the possibilities. And spending a lot of time just at home with J and Hawth. Playing Skyrim, up to level 33.

Writing a bit of music here and there. Totally neglecting cello and hammered dulcimer. Thinking about getting piano off craigslist. Continuing to stay distracted.

Worked up to 60 pounds pack on elliptical (along with bungee cords so I can pull my legs up). Neglecting running and anerobic stuff lately. A month before races will get a few hard runs in I guess.

Want to start writing music again.

1. Simplistic doesn't matter at all. (4/4, been done before, simple song structure, etc...)
2. Try to make it somewhat unrepetitive. Make it richer. So what if it takes longer. Considering how little I've written in the last few years and the complete indifference of all mankind, who the hell cares?
3. No presets.
4. Work off lyrics, poems, essay, stories to give some direction, just a general sense. Nothing exacting. The emotion strived for will hopefully become more nuanced eventually. And still keep some song structure. Not just musicking conversations.

Or instead I can just use the concept I use when writing piano music and take it to everything else. Have one main track that is actually really going somewhere and then just add bits of this and that around it.

Read 70% of Jerry West's autobiography. Because he goes on about how awful his father was. Was more than a little bit of a downer but not because of that, just because of West's ...outlook.

Played Matt Buffington and was up 7-5, 2-2 when we ran out of time. Elbow was iffy but held on. Tried to play two days later and had real issues. Going to start doing an exercise to build up the muscle that rotates the wrist, see if that helps. I had been fine for a while, but now been having issues again for a while. Getting sick of this.

Want to write a story where we all die and go to a world of justice. Primarily where we pay for how we ate. That would be somewhat worth writing to me, though it would be unlikely to get published. But I could almost make it into a religion I think. And I could use one of those....

When you've snuck into the king's bedroom and you're standing over him as he sleeps. You can't just kill him. Something always happens and he wakes up and there some action sequence. This is writing 101.

When you're the most powerful wizard in the world and your best friend can make himself invisible and walk through walls, I guess you better be very reluctant to just go ahead and kill the bad guys already. And so, they keep on making trouble till you finally kill them.

The problem with the cycle of arawn is that it isn't dark enough. You know it's all going to work out just fine. The heroes have it too easy. And their banter is just annoying.

After watching Sam Groth who basically has my body I decided to try to use my legs on my serve. Try to jump up as I hit the serve. This takes a lot of leg power to lean backwards and then jump up without using your arms at all for the jump. I couldn't do it before but after a month or so of wearing a 25 pound pack while using the elliptical (last few days up to 35 pounds) apparently I now can. But it seems to have made my elbow hurt. Or was it the racquet? It was the red handled 6.1 prostaff stretch that I hadn't used before. Bit lighter than the other. Had to use 4 layers of duct tape (other has only 2) to get it up to 14 ounces. And I was playing with NXT. Had a huge kick. Was going up over H. Yu's head. Best my serve has ever been. He couldn't handle it at all. I got up 4-0 and then my elbow started really bothering me. Had trouble lifting water bottle up to mouth.

...so at 6-3 I switched to other 6.1 stretch, this one with natural gut. And I changed my serve. Eventually still jumping but cocking my arm more before jumping and coming more straight through the ball instead of a motion that imparts more kick.

And elbow started feeling better. Good as new by end of second set. Although serve a lot less impressive. But will work on it. Definitely like getting my legs more involved. I get to the net better if nothing else. And expect my serve will improve.

Other issue is the 2 layers of duct tape versus 4. It was much better with 4. Too many variables. But think I have to continue experimenting with more than 2 layers.

Won 6-3, 6-3. Won last 6 games. One hand backhand just needs a lot of practice, which it doesn't get.

Food
6 apples peeled and chopped with a bit less than 1/4th a cup of maple syrup. Covered and baked for 40 minutes at 400.

Oatmeal, half a cup or so with 2 spoons of maple syrup. Add some of the apples above if you like.

Make rice in rice cooker. Add some canned peas and ragu sauce. Just leave rice sitting out. It will be fine for a day or so.

Or add rice to canned black beans with salsa and/or taco seasoning mix.

Little yukon (?) potatoes. Cut in half or so and bake at 400 for 45 to 60 minutes or so. Add ragu or hummus.

Diet
Eating meat (and animal products) is bad for your health, the environment and the animal that was needlessly killed.

Sex
Don't be controlled by the animal within you. Like a woman for something more than her ass. Clothes can pervert us sexually. Sex becomes forbidden and other forbidden things can get tied into the mix... Clothes make us go overboard and act crazy when they are finally taken off. Try to restrain yourself to some extent and not act too stupid.

Work
I think the ideal would be a college major where you are actually learning useful things in your classes, not just jumping through flaming hoops. Biology, medicine, that direction has somewhat less bullshit.In engineering you can learn to derive equations for some ideal scenario that doesn't exist in the real world and then go run and assembly line. Most college majors have some similarities to this. Becoming a doctor would mean a lifetime of hardwork taking care of cheeseburger eaters but at least is actually useful and being high up in the power hierarchy at work means less stress, less worrying about the whims of stupid people with power over you.

Play
Be well rounded. Play multiple sports but don't just play sports. Please read. If you don't, you're going to be ignorant. Watching TV will not make up for not reading. TV is just too stupid. A thousand channels and nothing's on because it's all controlled by just a few companies. Oligopolies produce shit products the same as monopolies. Don't be too serious but don't always be unserious. Find a medium.

Art
To express one's self is to do art. Just the action of speaking is expressing yourself. But playing music is also. And painting, etc. I strongly recommend you attempt to express yourself in some manner. I would like you to learn a musical instrument, although how far you go depends on how much you like music.

Politics
Those with the power/money want to stop change from happening and will do whatever it takes to ensure that. They control the news media. They fire/don't hire people who don't say/report exactly what they want to be reported. This means a certain slant (certain facts are excluded or emphasized/demphasized). And only certain stories get reported at all. Thus it's not really much of a democracy.

Drugs
They really aren't worth it. The legal ones even are just playing with fire. Chocolate and caffeine often lead to insomnia and feeling excessive stress. The illegal ones have the negative jail and addiction. A very few people go on about the incredibly positives. In my experience these people are generally incredibly stupid though. And a wrong turn here could turn your life into hell.

Religion
On a subconscious level, we're all mystical. If we weren't, it would be impossible to live. Lot of ugly crap is tied into organized religion though. And generally speaking followers of organized religion are kind of stupid.

Friendship/Relationships
Got to be some kind of balance. If one person feels inferior, just doesn't work. Got to be able to disagree. Got to be able to criticize each other.

Lost 6-3, 6-4 to Jay C the #1 ranked player (I'm still #2). I did better than last time (lost 6-4, 6-2 before). This time I played with a 6.1 prostaff stretch weighted to 14.5 ounces and my serve was much better than last time when I played with an unweighted Prince Graphite Classic Longbody. Only had a single ace. But had very few double faults and had decent pace and moved things around OK... He has a great ROS though. I did rush the net a lot. My net play sucked. I absurdly tried a semiwestern forehand grip and without any practice of course my forehand sucked. In the second set I went back to western grip and hit my forehands much better. Maybe could have won a couple more games if I had played western in first set.

Backhand wasn't good. Slice was inconsistent and drive with eastern was better than last week with continental but seeing as I never get to practice it's to be expected that it wasn't very good.

I have to start playing at least twice a week. Such inconsistent exercise isn't good. Always feel like shit afterwards not to mention I don't play very well.

This guy actually drives all the way to Pittsburgh to play also he's so into tennis. I'm not willing to drive that far.

Greatest players grips
Roger Federer-(17slams)-eastern forehand, modified eastern backhand
Pete Sampras(14slams)-eastern and semi-western forehand backhand-looks like eastern or continental
Rafa Nadal (14 slams) western forehand (extreme?)
Rod Laver (11slams) eastern for both
Bjorn Borg (11slams) western forehand
Jimmy Connors (8slams) eastern/continental forehand
Ivan Lendl (8slams) easter forehand, continental backhand
Andre Agassi (7slams) semiwestern forehand
McEnroe all continental
Wilander semi-western forehand
Novak Djokovic-semiwestern forehand
Becker-semiwestern forehand

Only Rafa and Borg hit western. Was wondering if I could hit a forehand slice with a semiwestern. Also I don't put away the short balls as well as I should because I have trouble going through them flatter with the western. Probably would make more sense to just work on swinging flatter when necessary... Also not a big deal to change grip... Except on serve... when it's nice to just do continental on ROS.

Random thoughts
1. hit short balls flat or even with backspin
2. lean forward to hit forehands (and backhands)
3. set up usually as if hitting towards center of court and then swing early or late
4. stay very upright on the serve and aim to the left, just "push" it out when going to the right
5. treat first serve like a hard second serve
6. elliptical with weighted pack makes it so much easier to serve and volley
7. if it's not going to be a winner but it is going in, more pace mostly just means the other person can hit it back hard with less of a swing, more topspin means they've got a better angle for hitting it back, additionally it's usually easier to get a slice in. Unless they're rushing the net. Then topspin is very useful.