I am a stoic because the alternative is to feel rage over how I was treated during my childhood and what it did to me.

Hawthy is now 9.5 months old. Today he played with a synthesizer for the first time. He seemed surprisingly interested for such a young age. He stood without holding on to anything for a 3 or 4 seconds for the first time tonight multiple times. His ring finger seems to be a bit longer than his index finger, hopefully. He won't stay still long enough for me to say for certain. It will be what it will be anyway.

Today I felt very lonely. I miss S. I need to just be around people who are nice to me. But I feel like I'm practically just alone as a result. I shouldn't spend any more time around people who make me feel alive but don't treat me well. But I'm back down to just about zero. Even with tennis I have to go after people, they don't come after me. Something about me is intimidating I guess. No doubt about that.

I occasionally think of trying to contact my half-sister I've never spoken to and potentially my father I've virtually never spoken to. I'm curious. But it's really a good idea to avoid being around people that aren't decent and nice and good. Also I just might get angry.

Stoicism is always a facade to hide that which you daren't truly feel.