Beat H. Yu, the 5 ranked player in the league 6-2, 6-3 today. Still thought I played ridiculously bad. One handed topspin backhand just isn't working. Actually seemed not too bad when warming up by then never really used it during the match and afterward tried to use it while we played a few extra games and it sucked.

This guy lobbed and lobbed and seeing as I haven't practiced an overhead in many months, it's not surprising my overheads weren't very good. Also my net play wasn't very good. Still won easily I guess. Nobody in this entire league hits with much pace.

So adopted children match the IQ's of their adoptee families more closely than their biological parents when they are still living with their adoptee family. When they get out on their own, they end up reverting back to whatever their biologicals were, or more exactly they go off toward whatever their own DNA combo from their parents makes them. Which can be quite different of course from what their parents were.

I think that of course this can work both ways. The family you're stuck with can bring you down also and once you get out on your own you can slowly turn it around to some extent. Think this happened with me, though it took a while. My mom and stepfather were a huge negative for me and it took many years of being mostly away from them for me to rise up more or less to my potential.

So, when I look back at my childhood and who I was, how I related to other children, etc, it's all a bunch of shit. My father was extremely eccentric in his interactions thus I never learned how to interact with others. But worse, I lived in constant fear of him, his violent outbursts, his whole mindset of trying to beat me into being just like him, while having no ability to comprehend who I actually was.

In effect I have a lost childhood. A childhood full almost solely of negative memories. Which means I want to just forget it. But it's my foundation. And to the extent I forget my childhood, I wonder what that does to me. I find myself forgetting in general and wonder if it will lead to early althzeimers(sp).

I caught some kind of flu thing. Had fever, coughing, etc, first time in many years. 5 days of azithromycin didn't work. Now finishing up levaquin. Wonder why I got sick after so many years of not being sick. Was stressed by trailer park half sister. Wondering if sleeping with my head by the papyrus plant....? Playing the melodica at trailer park half sister's house with all those kids. Who knows. Finally feeling better.

But Jo also caught it. Ten days of amoxicillin didn't work for her. Now they have her on azithromycin and albuterol. Worry about her being 8 months pregnant and so sick.

Went back to an exercise and eating program the primary goal of which is to sleep well as while being sick felt like I was starting to have sleep issues. So, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical with at least a 25 pounds pack 5 days a week (may gradually add weight and go slightly longer on weekends) followed by some running. The running I've decided to stop running on my heels. So trying to slowly build that up. It does feel better, but have to run pretty consistent to avoid calf soreness.

Number 2 in my tennis league now. Expect to reach number 1 next time I play the one guy ahead of me... Starting weighting all my racquets to at least 14 ounces. Have found tennis elbow goes away then, at least when playing with soft strings (natural gut or NXT). Now want to experiment with kevlar (18 ashaway) in a 14 ounce racquet. Probably serving at least will make my elbow hurt a bit. But possibly I can eventually move up to 15 or more ounces and be OK.

Like the 6.1 prostaff stretch best. The extender ripstick and thunderstick are a bit hard to manuver(sp) although I'm sure with practice I'd get used to them. But really prefer 6.1 stretch. lendl kniesel is nice. And have to mess around some more with prince graphite classic longbody with the extra weight added.

I have a tape reverb effect that I think sounds better for reverb than others. I really need to look into different reverb though. This I think has stopped my music dead. All I've ever used was free stuff. Have always suspected it makes a bigger difference than so much else. Just didn't want to put the money into it....

Pulled out bipolar murder music and bajskorv. Both really damn good. Missed them. Too bad the people behind the music aren't very smart.Need to fix up my reverb issue and try again to write somewhat similar music.

Still trying to get a hammered dulcimer stand.

Still reading the Cycle of Arawn trilogy. I can't stand the "humorous" banter between Blays and Dante. Also Mourn and Lira are barely there. Narashtovik has nowhere near enough detail. Why am I still reading this?

How for me to be happy:
1. Be myopic-mostly keep a narrow focus, keep distracted by little things like playing the cello, a sport, reading a book.
2. Selective forgetting-wake each day and forget the repetitive nature of life and all the ugly things that have happened and are going to happen again and again.
3. Find a way to get outside, even in the dead of winter
4. Limit your time spent with people who:
A. can't be reasoned with
B. don't understand you
C. don't actually like you
5. Without breaking #4, spend a good deal of time worrying about the happiness of other people, even if 4 applies to them
6. Lots of fruit smoothies and broccoli

I added two strips of duct tape from 4 to 8 along the top of my stretch 6.1 prostaff and my tennis elbow lessened (it was not much to begin with, but pretty much altogether gone now). I had been afraid of doing such a thing because it makes the racquet relatively headheavy and that is supposed to cause tennis elbow. Wrong.

A heavier racquet reduces tennis elbow and it's a far more important factor than head light vs head heavy. Adding mass always reduces tennis elbow no matter if it's all put at the very top of the racquet. Head light vs head heavy only matters if you are talking about two equal weight racquets (and I guess with equal stiffness).

Realizing this makes me reconsider the extender ripstick, (as does buying another stretch 6.1 prostaff that is shorter than my current 27 and 5/8 as opposed to 27 and 7/8ths).

I've ordered a postal scale. I want to weight all my racquets to a bare minimum of 14 ounces. Probably will go a bit heavier than that.So the ripstick is only 9 ounces unweighted. I already added nails/cotton in the handle.

The extra weight on the hoop really helps the serve. Makes it harder to get around on balls hit with pace. Though not many people put so much pace and I already just chip serves back and in general hit a lot of slices.

I beat the #2 ranked player 6-4, 4-6 (9-7) (Jake E) this week. I served and volleyed a lot and sliced a lot. Previously he beat me 6-0, 6-2. In that match I tried to hit tons of topspin throughout and hit tons of erros. In this match I still hit a ton of bad errors. Net game could be a lot better. And he kept chipping short balls barely over the net. I should have managed better with them. I expect I'll beat him worse in the future. Also my serve wasn't very good. Was trying to hit the first flat/slice, no topspin and first serve percentage was maybe 20%. Need to hit topspin on all serves.

Barring injury I should be ranked one in this league soon. Up to 5 now. It put me in a good mood beating this guy after doing so bad last time. Discounting injury and my first match in a decade, I've only lost to one guy (that I didn't come back and beat later) in 4 or 5 months. That would be the top ranked player and I wasn't using my stretch 6.1 against him. Was using the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody unweighted. And I didn't have enough on the serve. Also I wasn't rushing the net much. (Hadn't started weighted elliptical workouts.)

Want to try to play Chameleons on my dulcimer. Caught some kind of sickness. Sore throat, coughing, etc. Haven't had this sort of thing in many, many years. J is much sicker, which is worrisome being almost 8 months pregnant. Reading a good book, Arawn trilogy. Plot is the usual crap but started out with a very detailed world and more 3d characters.

Once again mom, sister and stepfather manage to start some drama at the holidays. And this is the last time. I'm done. I do not want to ever see any of them again. I told this to my mom. Haven't actually told my stepfather yet. It's been absolute hell dealing with these people for the last 40 years. They don't give a shit about me, who I actually am. It's impossible to reason with either. I should have never had anything to do with them again once I left at 17. But I bent over backwards and put in 23 more years of hell.

No more.

Next will come the manipulative behavior. They will accuse me of literally killing my mother by not continuing to put up with her shit. As opposed to her being in bad health because she eats nothing by chocolate eclairs, massive drugs, etc most days. Her not getting to see her grandchild will be the end of the world. I will be portrayed as a demon. I will be slandered, etc.

What incredible hell they have been to me. Anyone else and I simply would have had nothing to do with them so long ago. They disgust me. They sicken me. Their lack of consideration for others. Their lack of a moral compass. Their rightwing unquestioning obedience mindset. Good lord, I can't stand it. I can't believe I put up with it all these years. Such good manipulators though.

In other news finished The Shadow of What was Lost by James Islington. The fact one of the main heroes lost his memory and isn't even sure what side he's really supposed to be on is a little annoying. Things are just too uncertain. Some mystery is good but this one goes a bit too far. There were some good scenes. Malshash going crazy was good. The injustice the Gifted face could have been explored more. I'm not looking to see if the follow up has been written yet.

Played Art R for the third time and this time won 6-0, 6-1. Just sliced the ball in the corners, he can't run. Next played some doubles and some guy who's name I never heard in singles. Beat him 6-4,7-6. Think he was deceptively good. Afterwards found out it was Ron H who was actually ranked above me, lol. The guy had no passing shots... I guess that moves me up to 7th in the league. He could run and didn't hit errors but also I've added two things of duct tape as a bumper guard and to make my racket heavier (6.1 prostaff stretch)(enlarged sweet spot/more power). Made my serve bigger. Don't think I need it any bigger now. Hurt my groundstrokes, hitting errors on slices I normally wouldn't hit. But I think in the long term it's a good thing. Started just hitting topspin forehands and they were better than usual also. Slower swing thus more controlled. The slice is just maybe a more delicate thing now.

Also served and volleyed more than ever before. Normally I just don't physically feel quite like sprinting up to the net over and over again. I think using the elliptical with a weighted backpack has strengthened my legs, also jumping in place for now 4 minutes straight most days. Don't expect that matters as much but can't say for certain.

Really getting a game now where it's hard to break my serve. IOW a pro style game.

The weighted racquet helps my volleys for the most part also I think. Will take some getting used to.

Finally my elbow didn't bother me at all for the first time in a very long time. Clearly thanks to the added weight.

Wish I had used the prostaff stretch against Jay C. Instead used the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody which doesn't hit as big of serves. Gave him an easier time in breaking my serve. Look forward to playing him again. Though I will need some time still to get used to the heavier racquet for groundstrokes.

Very lazy with the endurance running lately. Found myself breathing hard while playing tennis. Though played 2.5 hours (including hour of doubles which is no work) without tiring at all. Plus it's so damn cold out and don't really enjoy fast running on treadmill. Did elliptical with a 50 pound pack though. Think that's a really good thing to stay in good health.

Tuned my dulcimer to Emajor/C#minor. Funny how clumsy my left hand is relative to right, but working on it. It's really beautiful sounding. Enjoy it more than cello and compares well to piano even.

Beat some older guy Richard S 6-3, 6-3. Was lowly ranked but seemed pretty decent. Played smart. Stumbled onto 2012 rankings and he was rated top 5 out of 40 people then... Then played the number one ranked guy in the league Jay C. He won 6-4, 6-2. And he was just a bit better. Thinking what I could have done differently... Could have practiced putting away loopy soft balls. But then he simply wouldn't have hit them as much. He was extremely good at mixing it up and feeling me out for weaknesses. My one hand topspin backhand is still a weakness though improving. This was the first time I used just an eastern grip on it. But only hit it when he rushed the net. My slice was sometimes good, sometimes not aggressive enough.

His net game was excellent. Mine was really bad in comparison. And my serve wasn't powerful enough, I think. But he made it look effortless to get to everything. He always moved so smooth. I had switched back to the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody for this match. Think maybe it's not quite as good for serves... But it could just appear that way based on who I'm playing... Against the previous two opponents with the prostaff 6.1 stretch, my serve certainly seemed huge. In the second set against Jay C I really went away from speed and more towards placement which maybe was a mistake. I hate hitting double faults but against this guy some free points would have been nice. This guy really made me work. I didn't feel bad about losing. He was better. Still with a bigger serve it would have been closer. So back to the prostaff stretch.

Maybe my groundstrokes were better with the PGCL. Or maybe not. Was using a different grip. Also different strings. Put cow gut in the prostaff now and with eastern/western will see how I hit groundstrokes. Finally got hitting partner and going up tomorrow...

Played the last 3 games against Jay C with my prostaff 6.0 85. Groundstrokes were immediately better. Topspin forehand and slices. But serve lost some. Think a big serve matters more....

Bought a folkcraft pathfinder 15/14 hammered dulcimer. Originally 930, got it for 600 used. Second best sounding one they had at the store out of 7. Ugliest looking one, still looks OK. Seems a decent price.

So it sounds beautiful. Hammered dulcimers generally do. The problem is they're tuned into major keys. That's why all the songs one hears suck. For starters retuning to just c major/a minor. But will probably eventually go to c sharp minor, the ultimate key. And may go further but first want to read up on just how much away from the original tuning you can go. Guy said a full step. I wonder if you can go a bit further. Could make it a lot more interesting if the notes weren't in succession.

I need to keep track of how racquet/stringing combinations hit/felt.

prostaff 6.1 stretch 95 with TNT 2 tour at 43. Hit good but eventually seemed like my elbow wasn't great. Elbow wasn't horrible but TNT2 tour is a "crisp" string and seemed like elbow was worse then when I was using natural gut in the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody at 50. So far that hit the best and felt the best on my elbow, though elbow still wasn't 100%, have to be careful to keep arm pretty straight on my serves.

NXT at 44 in prostaff stretch 95. Not awful but really not as good as the natural gut at 50 in the PGCL.

Some kind of poly in prostaff 6.0 85. Elbow I think wasn't so good. Didn't even attempt to serve. Highly unlikely I can play with a poly.

Going to put natural gut in the prostaff 6.1 stretch 95 next and NXT in the prostaff 85.

PGCL-11.6 ounces 10HL flex 61, swing weight 334
Can't find specs for prostaff 6.1 stretch 95... Racquet technology is idiocy. No one makes longer racquets or smaller head frames. Stuck trying to find used discontinued models on ebay. Got a Lendl Kneisel the other day. But if I love it, what then? Anyway still haven't found it's specs either. Curious what the headframe size is...

Won against Rob W 6-4, 6-0. He was the 3rd rated player out of the 31 player league. Not happy with my play although I've only moved up to 10th so far so this was good. He couldn't really handle my serve and couldn't do much with my slice. I rarely hit my groundstrokes hard. Really wimped out on my backhand drive. But then just the time before I was experimenting with yet another grip which makes it hard to get confident. Now thinking instead to just hit continental for slice and drive. Worked for Lendl.

This guy had good strokes and a decent spinning left handed serve but no touch. Couldn't handle my lack of pace and slices that barely trickled over the net. Also he was afraid of my forehand drive. Tried to just hit to my backhand. Still i won the last 8 games.

I like to watch football a little because I like athletic stuff but good lord is it a stupid sport. The injuries, the repetitive interviews, the media's attempt to stir up soap opera-like drama, the two hours worth of commercials, the very idea of rooting for one team (when every three years there's 90% percent turnover, virtually none of whom are even originally from the area), the fact that it's not even a sport the vast majority of us can even play (or would actually want to), three yards and a cloud of dust over and over again, the idiotic announcers, and so on. Still watch it pretty much every week though.

There are other people who think the same but I've only heard people say such things who aren't athletic, which leads one to wonder if they're jealous or have some kind of bias. Never heard it from someone who was athletic (though surely there are some). I bother to express it because I'm stuck halfway I guess. I like sports but then find myself annoyed by the stupidity. And need a reminder. But feel like I should keep quiet almost. That others will feel inferior or like I'm attempting to make them inferior when if I never say it outloud, it's like I can forget myself and go back to being stuck with this vague unhappiness as I spend time wallowing through stupidity. 

In other news I've decided to not just use a continental grip on all shots. I am going to switch it a bevel for the backhand drive and a bevel and a half (the other way) for the forehand drive. Did so today for the first time with the ball machine. The backhand drive was actually a little better than the forehand. Trying to avoid very much topspin to simplify it. Forehand isn't consistent enough though. 

Ran today outside for first time in a while. Decided to do fewer interval repetitions. Just every ten minutes or so for 2 minutes or even less. But may attempt to at least once a week do a longish run. 

Tried to buy a hammered dulcimer online but got outbid with 13 seconds left. May try to visit some shop to get to play with some next weekend. None are anywhere nearby. Like that it's such an old instrument (1000 years). But I've never actually heard one live, lol. 

Pretty much have quit cello because I miss polyphony and am just not happy with the songs I know of to play on cello. After playing dulcimer a bit I'm curious about making an instrument. Thinking of something that can do triple or quadruple, etc stops. Do really like the sound of double stops where at least one has vibrato and/or is sliding tones. But haven't attempted to make a "song" using such techniques. It was the messing around with this though that made me realize how much I miss polyphony and ultimately has me bored with regular cello playing and thus haven't hardly played in months. 

Won my match today 6-2, 6-1 against Ab M, a 4th year med student. I played almost solely with a continental grip for all shots. First time ever did such a thing. Worked just fine against this guy anyway. He wasn't very consistent though. He had a hard time with my serve and he had some trouble with my slices that just skimmed over the net. I really didn't do anything special though. I dinked a lot. Gave him no pace. Afterwards we hit around and I mostly still just hit continental and I'm curious about hitting a flat forehand that way. Seemed like I might still be able to hit it decent and possibly with more consistency than I manage with a western.

This was also the first time I played with my prostaff 6.1 95 28 with TNT2 Tour at 44 pounds instead of the Prince Graphite Classic Longbody with natural gut at 50 pounds. Made no meaningful difference. Still hit some aces. Although all and all my serve might have been a little slower, maybe. Not a big difference though.

This guy wasn't very good though.

Lost the other day 6-0, 6-2 to J Engle. He was excellent at retrieving balls and just pushing them back. I stubbornly stayed back and attempted to rip groundstrokes for winners and hit a bunch of unforced errors. Additionally I didn't even slice on the return of serve. And this was the first match I really tried to stick with the one hand topspin backhand throughout. To win I should have sliced far more and rushed the net a lot. This guy had trouble when he had to generate his own pace and did great when I hit really hard. But I just really didn't want to slice... In the future I'll try to do so though. Want to start hitting a lot more slice and drop shots and coming to the net I guess.

Today took thunderstick (strung at 60 with gamma tnt2), prostaff 6.1 28 (strung at 44? with gamma tnt2 tour) and prince longbody graphite classic (strung at 50 with natural gut) and compared them with the ball machine. Really not much meaningful difference actually. Maybe the natural gut is getting too old but it felt the least forgiving. And otherwise the main difference was I liked how the prostaff felt a bit better I think mainly just because it's strung so loose. The slice felt so much nicer.

As to topspin drives, if I try to put a lot of topspin on them, they can all potentially go wrong. Maybe a prostaff 6.0 85 strung tight would a bit less so.... But here not much difference.

But I am curious to try the thunderstick with a 44 or so tension. Thinking to cut out current strings and put in a nice synthetic.

Looking at dulcimers. Even considered selling my viola to fund buying a nice one. But can't really find any info online about a reasonable price for the viola, so I expect I wouldn't be able to sell it for what it's worth. Do have my eye on a HD that is priced extremely cheap at the moment... Probably should pick up a cheap zither/autoharp too. Still thinking about building my own instrument.

Finished The Troupe by Robert Jackson Bennett. It was OK. But I need a gritty well developed typical fantasy fiction world. Low tech pseudo England in the 14th century with magic, etc. Or write my own. The bad guys were too simplistic to be very interesting here. Wolves/men in suits that eat the world and don't really have personalities or much of anything really. Just not dark enough ultimately.

Also been watching Hannibal. Watched it and Game of Thrones in the last 5, 10 years... Liked season 2 much better but especially when Will was imprisoned. The idea of the hero stuck in a predicament.

Had really started eating a lot of chocolate and seemed a bit stressy and also having energy lows.. So trying to stop eating it. Tonight was really my first day without and I almost succumbed to an overwhelming urge. Literally stood and looked in the window at the chocolate chip cookies. Kept telling myself if I go home and have a beer the urge will pass.

Went to S's halloween thing last night. Her sister (B) was also there whom I play tennis with a few times each month. Her sister is not as smart. Something about her is really attractive. Her slutty german outfit really didn't hurt. Her brother and father are sort of neat too. Just something about them. S is the best though. My fellow INTJ.

B went with her brother and his friend and a few others outside where they were smoking weed. S said B didn't smoke any but considering she then got really sick and was vomiting I think she probably did. Anyway to think of her smoking it bothered me at the time a bit. Almost a lot. I don't really know crap about drugs but I walked by the porch screen door and it almost looked like something beyond weed... Don't think it was but strangely it bothered me to think of her being like that. S says she's all about following the crowd and oh well. B doesn't keep it real like S. Not entirely sure why she wants to play tennis with me.... S is kind of awesome. One of a kind. The only person from working at the hospital that is very interesting. (Maybe that one girl who plays the cello somewhat.)

And so I won 6-3, 6-0 tonight against Art R. Little surprised it was that close but took some time to get used to some very fast balls I hadn't played with before on top of the fast indoor court. And then won the last 9 games.

Despite natural gut at 50 my tennis elbow flared very slightly and think that's because I was bending my elbow too much on my serve. I didn't hit a decent one handed backhand the entire match but this guy wasn't good enough for it to matter. Thinking a ball machine isn't going to be enough to ever hit a good OHBH. Need someone to just hit with. But on these indoor courts slice works really well. And I can even hit a wimpy flat OHBH with my serve grip I guess...

All the running I do (only 30 minutes twice a week lately) also really helps my game. No doubt of that.

I watched Wawrinka on youtube then went to courts with ball machine trying to emulate him. With proper footwork and a straight arm I definitely hit OHBH better. Not too sure about returning a hard serve as it will be hard to have time and also hard to practice it. I guess just wait till the last second when using the ball machine?

Read a bunch of tennis biographies and autobiographies. John McEnroe really didn't impress me. Nor did Jimmy Connors. Seemed like pretty dumb guys. McEnroe was depressing. They both seemed like asses. Pete Sampras also kind of a dumb guy although at least nice. The biography of Lendl was interesting. Always liked him best. Monica Seles is basically brain dead. Now started one on Rafael Nadal. He's far more interesting. Gives more of the details that I want to hear about while the others just randomly report match results slam after slam with a few random events thrown in.

Richard Williams wrote a pretty neat book. Not really a tennis book. More along the lines of Fredrick Douglas except more interesting actually. Seems a very underrated book. He admits to breaking the law and getting away with it quite a bit. Seems owning a business is the way to go in life if you really care about making money. Not that I didn't already know that. I don't care enough I guess.

So I'm an INTJ. My wife is an INFJ. My one sort of close friend (sort of...) is an INTF. My wife's closest friend is an ISTJ. Maybe there's something to Meyers Briggs. Possibly will learn about the other personalities. The ISTJ makes sense (equally and logical ethical but boring). INFJ (almost as logical...)

Won my tennis match today 6-0, 7-6. First time with the new grips (backhand and forehand the same with huge topspin). My forehand was awesome. My backhand was horrendous. I told him he should hit to my backhand in the second set, which he did. It was so bad I'm thinking of going back to the drawing board/changing my grip to something not quite so extreme.

Today was my first match in almost a month (they have a layoff before the indoor season starts). My elbow didn't hurt thankfully. This was with my Prince Graphite Classic Longbody (28inches and 100 square inches) with natural gut strung at 50, but possibly starting to loosen? Didn't check to see today. Ball felt very good coming off of it. Forehand was huge. Court next was some good doubles and they commented a few times to each other about it. (I hit a few ROS winners that were harder than anything Roddick or Sampras did at that exhibition recently.)

Think it was my 7th match in this league. Have won all except the very first.

Serve was good today. Noticed I started throwing the ball ridiculously high and that was actually working. Had a more consistent toss... Also keeping my elbow pretty straight on the serve. For me that seems to be important.

Previously tried a gamma polyester at 31 (in my prostaff 6.0 85) and my elbow started getting tender. So, no polyester. Probably no Ashaway Crossfire either, though it's on its way.

Today I played a german guy getting a PhD in something, previously played a guy from China getting a PhD in Physical Education... also two guys who are engineers and another who's a sociology professor, finally some high ranking guy at the FBI.

So my wife is at a time in her life when it's a really good idea to avoid drama/stress. And suddenly my parents are going overboard on the drama and stress. I've asked them nicely repeatedly as I don't want my child to have schizophrenia and they've completely brushed aside my requests and done their best to cause trouble.

So telling my dad that my sister's husband secretly bought and is hiding a porsche while he is paying for their groceries is a reason for my mom to go ballistic (she knew already), calling me a demon, etc. I'm the bad guy. I'm horrible. I've destroyed the whole family forever. I'm just like Frank. (my biological father who walked out when I was one.)

And my wife is equally to blame for my actions. My sister threatens to get her kicked out of the fertility clinic she has eggs stored at because I told dad her husband was basically stealing from him. And... that's our fault to, that our sister threatens us and isn't speaking to us. She additionally fabricates a story I'm abusing her children.

Dad says just make up with her. The family matters more than anything!! I should risk jail time to be around these people I haven't really spoken to at family gatherings in many years simply because we have absolutely nothing in common. He dismisses jail time talk etc. Completely belittling what I feel.

 I'm so sick of their drama. Don't want to think about it. Don't want to write about it... Just have completely and finally had enough. I think it's worn me down slowly over the years. Taken away IQ points. Made me just want to forget everything.

Then my mom gets mad at my wife for not getting my sister a birthday present. This is the sister, again, who threatened to get her kicked out of her fertility clinic and fabricated a story that I was abusing her children and who hasn't spoken to us since.

And then my father asks if I can help him put solar panels on the roof. Fine, but just not this week as I'm on vacation and will be away.

...but can't I just cancel my weeks vacation so I can instead spend one evening putting up solar panels for him...? Umm, no. I can't. I'm not going to cancel my weeks vacation to help you one evening. I can do it when I get back. "You won't do it this week?" No.

Then mom calls two days later while we're on vacation, "I heard the whole conversation. How could you treat him like that? Blah, blah. You're awful, etc." Thus ruining our vacation as we're left stewing over how they treat us.

At times have gotten along... I guess. Have managed to convince myself they're ...basically OK. Could be worse. But that when my wife is pregnant they would get so extreme with one drama after another has really made me rethink things. Maybe it's just more me that's bent over backwards to get along with these people.

Ultimately neither values what I think, who I actually am. My mom "loves" her "son". An idealized version of her son. Not the actually me. She doesn't really like anything about who I actually am.

Things that stick out: Lately how they were about me playing tennis when growing up. I was crazy about it. And would practice and practice till collapsing. By the age of 12 I was extremely good. Not that they had ever even seen me play. Day after day I walked a couple miles to the courts. They never gave me a ride. Never even saw me play. The people who did were amazed by my game. I put pro-level pace on the ball when I was 12. And... my strings started breaking. And I'd go weeks at a time without getting them restrung because I didn't have the money and they weren't helping. Finally I broke my racquet from hitting so hard. And I went a month or two without even a racquet when I was 12 or 13. The only tournaments I got to play in were they couple I could walk to or get a ride from someone else. (I won at least one and beat the highest ranked player in the state in another. I never had a ranking as I didn't get to play in enough tournaments.)

I would let me aggression out on the ball. I'd dream of hitting so hard the topspin would sent the ball into the stands after it hit. I dreamed of winning wimbledon. And I never had a chance. All that drive, motivation and determination. All that hard work. Just wasted because I had parents that just didn't give a damn.

When I tried out for the high school tennis team the coach pretended that I wasn't actually there. Went over everyone's serve and then told them to go here or there and play with so and so. "Coach, did you want me to do anything?" "Did I ask you to do anything? I must not want you to do anything if I didn't ask you to do anything." Then he walked off leaving me there and ignored me the rest of the practice. I don't know why. Maybe because I was friends with a really poor kid who had a bad reputation. I know how it works in high school. If you speak to unpopular kids instead of properly ostracizing them, then you become unpopular too. But I'm just not like that. So maybe it was that.

So there I am. Ignored. 13 years old. At this tennis tryout. Just waiting for my dad to pick me up. When he comes I tell him what was done to me. He asks the coach. The coach ignores him too! And that's that. My miserable excuse for a father does nothing more. And that's that for tennis. So much for that dream. That's that except for the bitterness I still have 28 years later. It's almost like he fucked me up the ass. I mean, I kind of hid the memory from myself for a long time because it was so horrible.

Parents did nothing.

I remember I wanted to quit engineering after working at Toyota as an intern. Mom literally screamed at me that I'm insane to think of such a thing. Dad about the same attitude. It didn't matter how incredibly miserable I was. I guess I could have changed majors despite how they acted. But I hate quitting things. Thanks in part to their attitude though I continued to put myself through almost ten more years of misery before I finally started all over again and became a nurse. So now I get to spend the rest of my life underemployed. 3 degrees is enough, even though I'm just using the two year nursing degree. I have my parents to thank.

They've ignored who I actually am all my life because they just don't really give a shit. I've been a fool to continue to keep them in my life.

Rambling stupid letter I won't send: Remember when you screamed at me that I was insane for considering changing majors out of engineering? Do you know I think every single day about how I'm underemployed and how I ended up that way? You know what else I think about a lot? Joe Muto ignoring a 13 year old kid at tennis tryouts. I practiced 3 hours a day every day. I dreamed of being a professional tennis player (and with the right support absolutely would have been one, nothing I have since seen makes me doubt that.) and how my parents did nothing about it. I stood there and cried while I waited for dad to come pick me up. I told him what happened and neither of you did anything. That memory is so awful to me I kind of buried it for many years because I couldn't stand to remember that it really happened. Everytime you or dad does something ridiculous, you know what I think? All the hopes and dreams I had, I really never had any chance. It makes me sick how futile it all was. How could I for example learn to properly interact with people when the only male adult I had to learn from was Tulasi? With that to learn from, how was I really going to go to school and learn to interact with other kids, etc? When he tells me to cancel my weeks vacation and instead help him with his roof, I think to myself, "I never had any chance in this life." And I think that over and over and over again. All I wanted to be.... I had no chance at all. I have bent over backwards to get along with you people despite how unhappy you've made me. Despite how you've dismissed everything I've ever thought and basically just ignored who I really am. And so... now that my wife is pregnant and I've asked you to stop causing drama because the stress is bad for the baby, what have you done? It's almost as if on a subconscious level you want to kill my baby. Thanks for ruining the last vacation we are probably going to get for a long time.

I was thinking to stop having a single alcoholic drink each day because I was feeling less creative. I know though that the lack of that little bit of alcohol after a few days I get an unfortunate edge to me. Can get stressy about work. And I guess maybe it causes the above also. Possibly.

Anyway haven't been running much lately. Really my best 5k time was still way back when I only ran twice a week and so finally I've been going back to that. Otherwise playing tennis. Trying to get past some tennis elbow issues and figure out how I want to string my racquet/s.

Here recently put natural gut in my prince graphite classic longbody 95 at 50# and kevlar/babolat add... something at 35 in my prostaff 6.0 85. The prostaff hits incredible on the groundstrokes with these strings. Although it hit pretty great groundstroke with the previous strings also... The prince longbody hit pretty well on the groundstrokes. Not quite as good but OK enough. But the longbody has more pop on the serve. And that's the most important thing. Not sure if it's the strings or the extra inch of length. Will eventually switch the strings for them for comparison.

...bought a string meter and it turns out the kevlar hybrid is actually strung at 50. Bastards. Second time they've just randomly done whatever. Now looking at buying my own stringing machine.

Ran 12 miles in about 130 minutes. 10.7 min/miles for the first 95 minutes I think. Maffetone. Heartrate did wander into the 140's near the end. Maybe I averaged 145 or so the last 20 minutes. Pretty easy run though. Felt capable of going much further.

I had the elliptical on a decline so I didn't hit my knees on it. Switched to an incline (and stand further back) and my 2 mile run went from 14:25 (no improvement for three weeks really) to 14:15 and now 14:10. Otherwise I'm now just doing one 2 hour run at maffetone and 2 hour elliptical also at maffetone.

Decided to hit a two handed forehand so I just don't have to worry about tennis elbow hopefully. Also thinking to do hands backwards (like a left hander) and also hit overheads with two hands, lol.

Read 1st book of new Fitz/Fool trilogy by Robin Hobb. Cried.

Wish I had more time. Don't have time to work, do sports, do music, have a garden, write stories and see relatives/friends. Not even close.

Started playing tennis again. Hadn't played in over 10 years. My one racquet says it was last strung in 2001 (wilson prostaff.) Joined a league. Played my matches with a ripstick extender 800 (great name).

First played Daniel B (slightly catty effeminate sociology professor in 30's) and lost 6-2 6-2. Hit a ton of errors playing indoors on a super fast court. Understandable to lose when first playing in over ten years. He was a dinker though. Pretty sure I'd destroy him now.

Then played Art R (nice guy, environmental scientist in 20's). Overweight fellow who hit a lot of unforced errors. We played with brand new balls that were pretty dead straight out of the can, I guess because the can had been left in a hot car for a week or so. (Penn's). That helped me on the unforced errors. Think I won maybe 6-4 6-2.

Then Chi C. (Asian FBI guy in his 50's). Very much a dinker who very rarely hit unforced errors except he couldn't handle my serve. I forfeited 6-4 6-5 as I pulled a leg muscle. I was up 5-3 in the second set when injured. Played impressive at times but hit too many unforced errors. If I had just hit easy slices and ran him, think could have easily won as he wasn't really very mobile. Played at local college courts. Saw Kenny K who I played with a bit 25 years ago. He's been constantly playing ever since. Still only average.

Took a week off and bought a ball machine. Then played Travis S (early 20's engineer). Liked this guy's game, the least dinky of the bunch. We played indoors and I basically blew him off the court. 2-6, 6-2, 6-2. He did strain a neck muscle and that hurt his serve. But when his serve was good it wasn't any big deal anyway. My serve was bad the first set and then awesome the last two. Virtually no double faults. I'd guess hitting 120's... 130's ?? Maybe ten aces. Though my placement needs work. I was hitting huge forehands. I used the ball machine once or twice before this. I think it very quickly is helping me.

Then Buddy M (athletic guy in his 50's). This guy had not much of a game (dinker). Also showed up with one tennis ball in pants and no shirt, lol. But he could run. And actually his serve was really good in the second set (had a weird backwards spin (not an american twist)). I won 6-1 7-5. Had a weird meltdown in the second set where I lost 5 games in a row. Then won like the last 16 points straight almost. Except for those 5 games, just destroyed this guy.

Then Yang S (an athletic PE major). This guy really took a rip at the ball. Tried to put a lot of top spin on it. Kind of a nice serve. Good movement, spin, consistent, although actually quite easy to return. And his ground strokes came nice and slow also really. I had tennis elbow this time. Started to feel the beginnings of it against Buddy, was pretty bad this time. Could barely lift a water bottle to drink in between games with my right hand. So I did a lot of dinking. Lots of slicing. Though not really an issue on the backhand side. Also the balls were incredibly fast (wilson titaniums) so was trying to be careful. He actually hit to my two handed backhand a lot. Which normally would be smart as my forehand is huge. Don't think he realized I was having trouble even lifting my arm. And I did hit the topspin forehand hard here and there. Ultimately he hit a lot of unforced errors. I blasted too many winners to say I dinked him to death, but I was kind of dinky. Prefer to think I mixed things up and he couldn't get a rhythm. 6-4 6-1.

Should take a rest now cause of my arm. Actually it's both my shoulder and my elbow. Trying to dampen vibrations by adding weight in the neck area via duct tape. Against Yang S was the first time I tried it. Not sure if it didn't work or my arm was already so softened up from hitting 200 serves plus the ball machine the day before with the new racquet I bought (Prince Graphite Classic Longbody). Read a lot about racquets/tennis elbow. I guess I need a heavy racket where all the weight isn't just out in the head. So attempted to modify racquets as they're all made too light. Really want a 14 ounce racket. Added about 3 ounces of tape to the ripstick in the neck against Yang (bringing it up to 12 ounces). Previously had only added weight in the head where it wasn't really dampening. Just putting in in the neck really gives me all the power I need. Added a bit more tape just above the two hand grip. And  added cotton balls and nails inside the handle (about 2 ounces) worth. This brings it up to about 14 ounces. Now will rest up a bit. And see if I can get past this....

Had a week off and did a lot of maffetone but since back to work can't run as much and really slowing down at my maffetone HR. So decided to get back to the really long runs. At least two hours twice a week plus the elliptical for two hours once a week. Then a short fast day.....

That was last week. So I did a 140 minute run but just did it at 2% incline the whole way instead of half/half 0%/4%. My weekly fast run wasn't good. 2 miles in 14:26. Previously did 2 in 14:35 but kept going for another half mile.

It could have been that I wasn't used to such a long run and it just took it out of me a bit... but no. I had my PR after a 3 hour and 40 minute run which was more than an hour longer than I'd ever done. No, what it was, was that I ran slower. With the 2% incline I started at 12 min/miles where previously I had been doing some 10min/mile running at the beginning.

So... I decided to do all my running at 0% incline (with a bit of elliptical thrown in). Was curious to see if my hard run would even be faster if I spent so much time running relatively faster (while still at maffetone). So instead of 30 to 40 minutes at 0% and then 30 to 40 minutes more at 4%. I started just going 60 to 100 minutes at 0%.

...and within a few runs I'm only going 10.5 minute miles and slower to beging with instead of 10min/miles for 3.5 or 4 miles.

Why?

Probably because I've suddenly doubled the amount of running I'm doing at 0% incline. NOT because I'm neglecting "hills".

Soooo.... Going to reduce the 0% incline running a bit and patiently increase it. But instead of incline running was thinking of spending the rest of the time on the elliptical. Although the elliptical may be breaking, resistance suddenly changed to very hard on me. Actually though that more simulates waking up stairs, which is more useful.

So whatever really. Being slower at 0% incline at maffetone is most likely just a short term effect because I'm suddenly doing twice as much of it. Surely? But getting rid of 0% incline running earlier, which caused my hard run to be much slower, was not a short term effect. I suspect that would have been a long term trend.

So it's complicated. And I could be quite wrong. Making sure to do a lot of time on the elliptical to simulate incline running just in case taking that away was actually the problem. It could be something entirely different I'm not thinking of though.

In other news I got a tennis ball machine which is kind of wonderful. I would have been a contender if I had one as a kid. (Or someone willing to do drills with me. Or if I had been smart enough to get someone else to do drills with me.) So I don't know. The negative is it takes a while to pick the balls back up and start over again. Getting a metal tennis basket, hopefully that will help.

Used it twice and already finally hitting a one hand topspin backhand decently well. Actually less unforced errors than my forehand. Also changed my backhand slice grip. Hitting it really well now.

Just about finished my second pond. Going to add hooks, etc and put a net entirely over the first. (Something seems to have killed three koi, would be nice to not worry about such things.)

Haven't played cello at all for a long time. Any day now going to get back to it...

Reading The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman. Book three of Magicians trilogy. He's underrated. Really not much I can criticize, like his stuff a lot. Underrated because it's too intelligent. It's not that intelligent, but fantasy fiction has got the bar very low these days.

Did my hard run a day early as under 140 I seem to be slowing down last day or so. Had done 3.5 miles in 35 minutes (on treadmill with no incline). Today after 6 minutes at 6mph HR was 143! Think my anerobic system starts getting undertrained maybe. So decided to run hard instead. Did first two miles in 14:35 and kept the pace for about another half mile. So, a good improvement. That's 15:05, 14:44, 14:35 and did another half mile. Can't complain.

Elsewhere in life, who cares?

..bought a tennis ball machine. Suspect I'm going to enjoy the hell out of that. (As long as it works correctly.) Have wanted one for almost 30 years. Love the idea of trying to hit the same shot over and over again. Can mess around also with a one hand backhand. A left handed forehand. Mastering putting away blobby no pace crap from dinkers. Something I used to really enjoy and I officially have the time now to get back into it. Also joined a league.

Did my tuesday hard run 2 miles in 14:44. 20 seconds faster than last week though felt very sluggish. Also think the steep downhill off bell is bad for my right knee. Won't do it in the future. Today put the treadmill on 0% incline and did 3 miles in 30:40 at maffetone. Then 4% incline and went 12.7/13.0 for almost 30 minutes. Finished with 20 minutes on ellipitical at 9 resistance level and about 41 RPMs. Felt really good afterward. Could have gone twice as long easily, if I had that kind of time.

Adopted brother left today. Was good to see him. Very good guy. So easygoing. Loves to cook and really cooked some good food. Cooked green beans, carrots, leeks and jalapenos from my garden. I never knew green beans that were still a little crunchy could taste so good. Met his 11 and 8 year old son. They both also seemed quite good as was his wife. Nothing amazing but all quite nice.

In a way I feel like brother is too good for this world. It's almost as if we have something in common despite being unrelated and really quite different in most respects.

3 weeks of maffetone and 14 minute miles are down to 11 or so. At a 2 percent incline with a fan at my back (so it's not quite such a pool of sweat but enough for the HR monitor to work). Did 3 miles in 34:40 today... But HR jumps up with any additional incline. Hope to get under 10 minute miles and then maybe increase incline...

Also doing the elliptical. Resistance of 9, RPM's around 40, (38 to 42). Started at resistance of 7. Guess I feel good. Last tuesday ran two miles in 15:05 hard. about 85 seconds off PB.

Easy run is maffetone heart rate, wearing heart rate monitor, generally on treadmill. Try to do same with easy pushups. Both in front of TV. Will see how that works. Potentially do same with pulldowns but I expect it won't work or at least I won't have the patience. This is a sort of polarization routine but with just one hard run each week instead of two... So far no insomnia with the little bit of strength training, except for the first two days. For which advil cured it.

I'm thinking I don't really care much for Bach. Didn't know he was really unpopular long ago. Think I feel how others did back then. Wonder how much of his popularity is emperor's new clothes. Think something has definitely gone wrong with classical music, all the pomp, the having to be absolutely quiet, the dress. There must certainly be some pretentiousness going on. But people learn to truly love the emperor's and probably all the pomp too. Some people anyway. So many just end up not really liking classical when they otherwise would.

This weekend:
Friday I stopped and got Qdoba on the way home for my pregnant wife. Then I went to 84 lumber to get supplies to fix the tubing for the hot water heater. Then to my parents to get tools, then back to 84 lumber to get the tools I couldn't find at parents. Then to Lowe's to get the supplies I should have got at 84 lumber but which was now closed. We stopped at Panera's and Starbucks while down there (big appetite Friday... think from the sit-ups.) A stranger hugged my wife in Panera because of Canadian paraphanelia (sp).

Then fixed water heater issue at tenant's place. Then watched Hannibal.

Saturday got up and ran 6 miles interval 2/1. Way out of shape 57.5 minutes. Ugh. Sore even. In abs from situps (but sleeping well) and calves. Trying to just run three days a week. Intervals at least twice. Third run either a race/hard tempo or a third interval session.

Then transplanted fig tree and put down weed control mat and mulch. Then bought kiddie pool at big lots. Also went to SayBoys for brekkie. Had home fries and a cinnabun. Took a nap (so tired... from run I guess.) And watched Hannibal. Then started filling up kiddie pool in garage (it's for the fish while I fix a leak). And put down weed control mat/mulch for the apple tree enclosure.

Then went to parents for dinner. Nephew kicked brother-in-law in the groin and he whined he needed to go to the emergency room. Had half a bottle of german wine. So-so. Grilled black bean burgers as everyone else ate a bunch of meat. Sat and talked for quite a while. Came home pretty late...

Sunday, finished editing NRC proposal. Finished filling up kiddie pool. Bought pond supplies online. Wife did her extreme couponing. Visited wife's parents. Tried to go to the garden center but it was closed. Really need to replace some evergreens the deer have destroyed by the pond. Actually wrote a bit of music... Not much. Played cello a tiny bit for first time in over a month (two surgeries set me back). Just can't get cello to go with anything else. Double stops maybe a little better... Lost my favorite Reaper color theme that I've been using the last 5 years. Oh well. Siphoned some water out of kiddie pool into the pond. Watched Hannibal. Wrote a bit. Barely even to 1000 words but it's written as if I was actually trying to get it published. That's new.

And finally cut my hair at home with a number 6 (with some help from wife). Getting really thin up there.

That's mostly it. Some reading. Some internet surfing. Feel like it was a wasted weekend. Keep on meaning to use my telescope. But was cloudy today. And I guess just barely too cloudy Saturday. Next week is a three day weekend. Maybe camping?

Also not sure when exactly.. but finished Theft of Swords by Michael Sullivan. It was a serviceable book. My kind of thing. Characters were a tad light, as was the world. But fantasy fiction with badass heroes. Nice to get back to that. Now somewhat plodding through a book about Bach's Cello Suites. I'll probably be needing more fantasy fiction before I'm finished with that.

With music I aimed too low and produced a lot of quantity but not much quality. With writing I aimed too high and didn't produce anything. For so long I wondered what held me back as a writer. I think now, that this simple thing was probably the main issue all along. Trying to rectify that now. Possibly with both though far more concerned with the writing.

Kidney stone sickness really lasted about 26 days. Ends with my penis finally not hurting so bad when I get an erection, although still hurts a bit. After not running for three weeks, I'm very sore from trying to get back into it. Haven't had calf soreness in forever. Blah.

Decided to run just two days a week and then twice a week use an exercise bike and do some ab work. This because along with not liking how much time the running was taking, worried about getting kidney stones (dehydration). Hopefully the main thing is to avoid spinach. I had been eating a ton recently.

Still haven't gotten out of the habit of laying in bed. Excuse now is so sore from running. Hopefully soon I'll start spending 14, 15 hours a day vertical. Right now more like 12 maybe 13.

The Iron Heel by Jack London was a very depressing read. Also felt like a rough draft quite often. More so depressing because then I found out he probably died of kidney stones and I'm beyond two weeks with my latest kidney stone ordeal. I take the stent out tomorrow morning. Rather scared about that.

Nothing important to say about it though. One just lays around. Certainly don't feel very creative. Especially not when in pain. Watched movies lately when I could at least manage that, which is just more recently. Finally back to some fantasy fiction book.

Kind of unhappy with my minibrute synth. Attempted writing music lately. The fact that it hurts to sit makes it much harder. And.. meh. In general.

This world is a waste and therefore there's not much point in saying much. My eventual death isn't all that important. I wouldn't mind avoiding excruciating pain though. (So of course I have this reoccuring stone issue).

It's not a good situation but how could it be? At least I'm free.

The worst part of the kidney stone issue (worse than the excruciating pain I think) is all the time spent laying around, too much time to think. I usually try to stay really busy in order to main a philosophical myopia, to avoid the big picture of existence, not to mention that even on a smaller scale my life is a sad thing. I have few friends (there are few people whom I could even have had as friends). Well whatever, I'm lonely, unfulfilled. It would be good to move, though of course, it probably wouldn't do any good. A lot of work, a huge fight with wife, and it probably wouldn't do any good. It's too late to turn it around. The time has past, there is a certain time in one's life to do certain things and I missed that time. And so, I'm stuck in a sense I guess and will never go forward. There's some dying to do. Will try to hold that off, I guess, for a while. Be tough, for what it matters. Keep myself distracted.

On thursday I started eating fruit and that made a huge difference with kidney stone issue. Previously the percoset had turned my insides into concrete. Had made the mistake of trying to eat a grilled cheese sandwich on wednesday. Left me incredibly bloated. (My ultimate comfort food from my childhood.) (The only thing I could cook as a kid and no one else did much cooking.) (Stupid thing to try to eat but all the pain and pain meds has me not thinking too well and wife drops the ball occasionally.)

Thankfully have found that eating fruit and taking advil works wonders. I had been worried I wasn't going to make it between the severe pain and not being able to eat. Now less pain, and GI system is getting back to normal. Advil does far more for my pain than percoset. Far, far more. Not even to mention it doesn't turn my insides to concrete. Quite happy now that it looks I'm going to survive till my next surgery.

Kidney stone. Admitted twice. Excruciating. Failed surgery but the stent seems to have really helped. Have a kidney defect that makes stones far more likely. And scarring that has caused strictures so I can't easily pass stones.

So I won't be running the half marathon next weekend. And am maybe done with running. Too much sweating. Too hard to drink enough to make up for it. Kidney stones are pure hell.

Read West of the Sun by Edgar Pangborn which i really liked. First "sci-fi" I've enjoyed in a long time. A few humans crash into another planet that has at least two intelligent species. Almost like humans and neanderthals but more extreme maybe. Little hard to keep track of all the names for a relatively short book and hard to follow in the beginning, uses a lot of lingo that is no longer used.

He's wrong about Lenin and communism but I liked it a lot anyway. Don't really care about the difference between communism and whatever idealized form of liberalism Pangborn vaguely alludes to them finally reaching considering that we're so far away from every remotely reaching either.

Now reading The Iron Heel by Jack London. Didn't realize he was that much of a revolutionary. Only person I've heard share my opinion of philosophy. Very strident stuff. Good stuff. Amazing how they just leave all this out about London and it's exactly as he writes in the book. Our media suppresses this stuff. Did so back then. Still does.

My favorite songs I've written. Plan to be somewhat less experimental and focus on what I've found that works in future.

Always True
Not You
No Thank you
97. 10JI
99. 6JI
Hollow Man
Happy Ghosts
Falling
Tired
It's 1972 and there's nothing you can do
59. (equation)
Joanna's insanity
Ocean
Tschai Spaceport
79. Piano A minor
77. Pinao
129. a maj minimoog
128.

There also are OK:
148. synth1 and piano
143. esq1 1st finally after long break
131. cello and piano offbeat
126.
(bit repetitve) 125. d major minimoog
123 with melodica and slide guitar
117. Poe's Cheeseburger Choke
116. 11tet
113
110. guitar, trumpet and cello (noise)
107. hohner 26 melodica improv with glitch
98. 7JI
91. 6JI
83. 12JI
82. Sockpuppetland (19TET)
81. F and S
80. "Yeah, I heard it."
Holding
Beautiful Morning
maybe Slowly Trying
Living in the night for a 1000 years (breaks up for literally less than a second twice and I find that hurts the whole song...)
Augur (strangely)
78. hohner 32 melodica improv
54. M in C
53. Sheen
49. Trance3
Joanna!

Also I finally bought an analog synth. (Arturia Microbrute) Cheapest analog I could find.

I'm doing a long hard run on the weekends, an interval run in the middle of the week and otherwise very slow running. Except for the long hard run, almost all my running is on a treadmill with a 6% incline. And the easy stuff is just 14.6 minutes per mile. 

Only been training this way a few weeks and taking usually just one day off (day before the long run). Today I did 12 miles in 1:44:12, including a final mile of 7:49, which is a pb for a looped course. 8:41 pace. No big deal, I really ought to be able to run close to 8 min/mile pace for a half marathon. Being big makes it harder, but I expect that with training this way for a while, I should at least get close. 

Otherwise just hitting a heavy bag while holding 5 or 8 lb weights in each hand. Weight staying about 206lb. Have a half marathon race in two weeks.

Oh, did get first place in my age group (40's) in a couple small 5k races. Just ran 22:50 and 23:10, meh.

Ran 12 miles at 9 minutes per mile. This was at sister's house on a hilly trail that I had to keep turning around about every 0.75 miles so maybe was capable of better. Feel really good now. Very slight hip soreness that day which is better next day. Again, just started one long tempo, one interval and the rest is very easy treadmill running at 6% incline.

Really full of energy here the next day after only having time for 40 minute run before bed. Think it's because I ate a ton of spinach two days in a row. (Found an awesome India buffet with my favorite spinach dish.) I never normally get to eat it two days in a row. More of a treat about three times a month. Which means I pretty much get leafy greens three days a month... which isn't good. Should learn to cook it at home.

My hip was hurting me just a little so I put the treadmill on a 6% incline. Did an interval workout 74 minutes and hip was fine. Today easy run also at 6% incline. Feel good. Feel better after running. Getting addicted to running everyday. Thinking to run on the treadmill for all but one weekly run and just do all those runs at a 6% incline, too avoid injury. Supposedly load matters more than range of motion for fast running.... Run slower with incline but getting a good load. Seemed to work before when I did intervals all week on treadmill with 6% incline and then a weekly hard tempo outside.

Otherwise a bit of hitting a heavy bag with 3 or 5 pounds weights in each hand. Strangely really enjoying that. Which in turn has me interested in watching boxing, which unfortunately is a little stupid to spend much time on. Is neat to go back and watch the old fights on youtube. But current boxing seems to be in a sadder state than usual I think.

Pond I guess has a leak. Puts me in a bad mood. Think my one frog is stuck down in the pond. Possibly not smart enough to jump on a pot and then jump out. The one sits on the ledge in the pond, the other sits right above him on the pond wall and they're both just staring at me accusingly. I guess my fish can manage as I purposely let the water leak out, trying to find the hole. It's still 3 feet deep and ten feet by 3 feet. But it's getting close to time to have to consider taking all the fish out instead of just patching the liner.

Bought the Lewis Chessmen and a chessboard that will fit them (150 dollars). Unfortunately the only person I play with is my nephew. Who not only always loses but is really kind of annoying. I guess he gets angry that he always loses. I don't know what to make of him exactly. I wonder how I really compared at that age (11).

I'd really like to just have a relaxing game of chess. Possible with a glass of wine (but migraines...) With someone who can multitask. Who doesn't lose everytime. Who doesn't start drama. Who doesn't take three years to make a move (my father). And who possibly might even manage an interesting conversation unrelated to chess. That would be nice.

I bought the Lewis Chessmen though because I was thinking they'd help my writing. They have faces that makes one wonder what they're thinking. Somewhat. I used to give my matchbox cars personalities. I once played with a bunch of nails, giving each a personality. Making up a little story. Sadly that's where I'm at, in my slightly desperate, yet mostly uncaring, aspirations to write.

Mini writing breakthrough I guess.

Running, lots of slow long distance on the treadmill, trying to run somewhat like Yuki Kawauchi. A hard long run on the weekend (usually) plus a short tempo or intervals mid week, plus plenty of easy jogging. Have that damm half marathon in less than a month. Don't want to suck. Trying to get lots of long runs in. I have two more weekend attempts. Did 11.4 miles at 9:47 pace, which is awful. It will be downhill and I'm going to do non-alpha male training. And I'll rest up I guess... And hopefully these next two long hard runs will go better. Was hoping for 9 min/mile pace for 12. Actually two years ago I only did 9 min/mile pace for 9 and then managed 8:15 pace for 13. Hip isn't quite 100%. Hopefully I won't injure myself and not even make it to the start.

Yuki is interesting in being an elite marathoner who still works a normal job. His training routine is pretty basic. Also for entering so many races.

Pretty just dropped cello. All the stuff I'm doing in the yard, etc. Just a bad time of year. I guess.

Really disliked book two The Blade of Tyshalle(sp) by Matthew Stover. Quit 40 pages before the end. All the different people stuck in each others head. And people dying... but no! Not really. Got confusing and just boring. Had liked the first book and there was so much injustice that I wanted to see rectified. So tried to hold on. But blah, sorry but just blah. Seems like a relatively intelligent guy compared to most of these fantasy fiction guys but the story just wasn't so good.

Sleep is a wonderful thing and I've been doing it great lately. Drinking more water.

Hurt my hip a little. Annoying. Running was feeling so good. Have so much energy. Praying this doesn't turn into this year's nagging injury. Except for that would want to run 50 plus miles per week. Taking it easy for a bit. Maybe get rid of harder runs for a few weeks... Really would like to just knock out 8 miles a day.... And sneak up to 10 for a week or two before half marathon. But that will probably just lead to injury.

Really neglected cello lately. Just too much to do. Have also returned to writing for better or worse.

Reading this Blade of Tyshalle by Stover. It's a bit weak. The hierarchial dystopia combined with a fantasy fiction otherworld keeps it going but not by a lot.

Had been trying to improve at running despite only doing 10 or so miles per week. Was doing all my running on the treadmill at 2% incline. Finally went outside and found out that 2% incline was not enough and that I had gotten slower from 2% plus so few miles. So started trying to run just about everyday (that I have time). All "easy" runs on treadmill while watching TV. Two harder runs each week outside. Want to get back up to near 40 or so. At first was thinking to keep my easy runs very easy, (5mph) but thinking to do them around 6mph for now. In the short term my fast runs won't be as good. But in the long term I should improve more.

Decided I need to drink like 3/4th's a gallon of water a day. Did so and immediately felt better. Had gotten a little lazy with my water drinking before. Had insomnia for the first time in a while and wondering if slight dehydration can lead to insomnia. (Unable to flush out toxins as well.... )

Have 6 weeks till half marathon. So got 4 long runs left. Yesterday did 9 miles at pretty easy 9:15 pace. Want to hit 13 miles 2 weeks before race. Yesterday did last mile in 7:10. Could have done quite a few more miles but trying to keep things gradual... Felt really good afterwards.

Really neglected the cello here recently. And quit writing. When I had insomnia I felt miserable and decided I had to start again. But now the insomnia is gone. Also it's springtime. And expanding the garden.

Read The Fell Knight and The Red Knight by Miles Cameron. Really enjoyed them. Very long. Partially why stopped writing. The Captain AKA Gabriel or The Duke is a magician and fighter. Leads a band of mercenaries. Including Bad Tom and Sauce. Jehan and so on. In Red Knight they are defending some place from an attack of the Wild led by the sorceror Thorn. Dameons and Wyvert(sp) and boglins and irks and trolls and golden bears, etc. In the Fell Knight they are fighting for an empress against a traitorous duke. Lots of characters, constantly jumping around. High level of detail concerning the middle ages. Lots of words I've never heard before. As if Miles figured most people are on a kindle/nook now and can look them up in a second. The Captain hates christianity. He has a place in his head where a person lives. Later on it's Harmodius, the great mage.

Really got to quit reading and start writing though.

At IVF in MD downloaded The Blade of Tyrelle(sp) by Matthew Stover. Book two of Heroes Die. I liked book one. It's about Caine/Hari. The dialogue is a bit cheesy in places but when he goes from futuristic earth over to the middle ages fantasy fiction world, it gets better. But again, I need to stop reading and start writing.

Since getting Larson A and D strings and Helicore C and G. Along with raising fingerboard/lowering strings have been playing cello. Often 2 plus hour sessions on weekends. Haven't been bothering with viola. Have first two pages of back Cello Suite no 1 memorizes.

Cello practice
1. Vibrato in time with fast beat
2. Scales with beat as fast as possible, focus in particular on second position, extended position, etc.
3. dotzauer book with and without fast beat
4. some time spent without a beat just enjoying playing
5. various pieces with beat as can manage
6. Memorize Bach Cello Suite No. 1 at least.
7. Practice going back and forth between strings. Thinking about how higher pitch strings need lighter touch. Especially if they are open and lower pitch is a 4 or 4th position, etc.
Viola practice
vibrato exercises with beat, especially c string

then if I have anything left to continue to hold proper position, a bit of time just playing whatever

In fact was wondering if memorization might be good in general, it's something I've avoided for the most part. So thought to memorize some poems. Did the first 4 stanzas of The Raven last night.

No inspiration all week and weekend and then on the edge of sleep...
Early days of monterey. Spiders, many, invisible to others. Diameter of two or so quarters side by side. They threaten and control. Especially concerning sex/women. In my clothes. Always with me. In my thoughts. Not allowed to think about certain things or they hurt me with their bites. Their poison always within me, usually slightly nauseous. Don't eat well. Don't sleep well. Always on edge. Nerves frayed. Exhausted. Never able to relax and enjoy. All human interaction stilted.

Short story.

Back hasn't hurt at all the last few weeks. It used to wake me up at 2 to 4 AM from pain. Hasn't done that in a year or two. But more recently sometimes it would hurt when running (the slight twisting motion) but that was related to trying to pull something towards me with one hand. (Disney spin ride, one arm rows). But still it would often just be very stiff. Like after driving to work, couldn't straighten out very well when first standing.

Last few weeks not even any stiffness. Best it has been in years. Not sure why. We do have this new mattress, but we've had it for maybe close to 6 months...? It seems to mostly coincide with doing longer running intervals (5/4's) but that doesn't really make sense to me.... Only other thing I can think of is that I've been doing some shadow boxing.

So last night slept in the guest room on standard mattress. Back felt fine. Don't want to take this for granted.

Theoretics, traipse, snedkenbergo. Rubliks.

It's so obvious and utterly missed. With the right person years could have been saved. But never the right person. Feel as if a forgetting is necessary to go forward.That I must lose my previous self to progress. That though is surely wrong thinking?

So obvious. And so easy. But no, for so long. Why?

Why?

yesterday did first outside run in a long time. Finally decently warm. 5/4's x 6. Did the first half mile (slightly downhill) of the last rep in 3:12. Have some soreness the next day. Muscles opposite calves.

Writing: what is something I wished existed? Is a question to ask but, must include in the answer sentient creatures. Can't just be an empty place or places. Or one single shard of a character feeling one emotion.

I dream of logical people. Openminded people. Emphathetic people. Vegans. Of socialism. Of massive greenhouses. Of endless castles. Of people in general who create more art. Instead of 1 person for every million producing some mass produced thing (exaggeration). Of people more connected to growing food... not saying growing food isn't largely automated... But a smaller scale automation. Not all done three hundred miles away by one guy. Something more self sufficient. Where we're not in such danger of starving soon. Where we're empowered and aren't so dependent.

The thing is, not the societal changes but the kind of people it would take for such a society. The current one isn't it. But what is? Simply me. How can I dream of me? Seems meaningless.

My red plain story. Sort of got to 7000 words... But there aren't characters really. There are the mostly mindless demonic things on the red plain. (People who've gone insane from endless torture, endless dying and reborn and dying, but whom weren't really such good people to begin with...) And a main character who is driven by what really? Who is special why?
Never truly answered that question. And what of other characters? What of actual interaction? Of course story is not working out.

People have to come first. Alas they don't. I make them all the same... Or the ones who are different are just stupid.

Mystery. Why is this person so mean? Why do they have it in for me?

The experimental cook. Throw elements together (characters/shards of actual humans) and STEP BACK and see what happens. Works pretty well when writing music with a midi sequencer, Possibly nonsensical to apply to writing.

To me everyone can easily be everything. There are no meaningful boundaries of one character versus another. To me, people are constantly changing. To me.

Must understand that, although yes, people are often highly interchangeable, they certainly really aren't all the same. It is an oversimplification on my part to think otherwise.

Oversimplification results in boredom. The categories are too few. And ultimately everything is the same.  The same thing over and over. Such oversimplification and having so few categories is most likely the result of stupidity on my part. And through this stupidity, I have so far failed badly as a writer.

Perhaps first and foremost I need to stop oversimplifying. I need to see that people very clearly aren't all the same and that they aren't all different simply as a result of more or less intelligence. People have a wide assortment of different qualities.

For what it's worth though I would like to qualify that this "oversimplification" maybe ultimately has some real basis other than stupidity. Ultimately we're all organisms trying to find food, shelter... safety. There are of course many things that are universal. But I have a habit of glossing over the differences because I'm afraid I'll get lost within them. To think that we're all ultimately the same is a positive thing to say, in a sense. It's a recognition of some common ground. As opposed to viewing others as utterly foreign. But it's possible to think we have common ground at the same time that I still really Note differences. Not managing to do both is a failing on my part.

And of course in most stories, characters are just shards. Differences are exaggerated. Hmmpf. Which is the exact opposite of what I do in general I suppose...? Somewhat. Perhaps.

Last post was some grumpiness from physically not feeling well. Combined with other semi-legitimate things.

The Emperor's Blade by Brian Stavely

Hmm, don't know what the title refers to. Liked this though. Liked Kaden and Tan learning the Vaniate. Liked "The Process is the Goal". I don't feel like saying more really... this book just went well especially with my trip to Atlanta. Finished it about 15 minutes from home. Perfect. Was a really nice trip. Very happy I overcame the stomach flu and was able to go.

So you've got Kaden off learning the Vaniate with the monks. Valyn is a bad ass fighter. Adare is minister. Their father, the emperor, is assassinate. There's a plot to get rid of all of them, I guess. And some alien race not seen in thousands of years is coming back. Not great, but pretty good. What i really liked though, again, was the Vaniate/the Monks.

I need to work more at enjoying the process of writing instead of worrying about the finished product I guess. Need to learn from what I manage to do with music. But I've been saying that, more or less, for many years. Maybe I need to think like a cook. Throw things together and step back and see what happens. In a sense that went on with writing music. Simply practicing music doesn't apply so very much. An issue is that "stepping back" when writing doesn't necessarily make sense. But will work on finding a way to "step back" and see what happens when elements are put together................

Imaginary eyes still have some small importance to me and thus the following is viewable by anyone. The imaginary eyes I guess they have internet access but are not in my head.

I have to get a little crazy and try and fail a lot more.

Been sick with stomach virus. Did a bout of vomiting which is so horrible for me. Maybe it just has me in a bad mood. Keep thinking about ugly things. But then everything seems ugly when I've got nausea. Was the first time in 3 years. Wife's first time in 30 years.

Trying to fly tomorrow i suspect will be hell.

The impetus(?) to write is tied in with very negative things unfortunately. My entire childhood is solely negative. And one just can't go to that day after day. It doesn't work. People with bad memories more likely to have depression. How can I spin it? How can it be something that I can still, in some way, remember? To just forget it all, to entirely forget one's childhood... then what do you have? But it was entirely miserable. At least today it seems that way. Which maybe is strange, not quite right. Mostly it wasn't so great but it wasn't quite that bad... was it? I don't know.

The true impetus to write comes entirely from negative things. Possibly you could say there was the overcoming of those negatives and therefore it's positive, but it doesn't feel that way somehow.....

Everything is negative today. Was watching a lot of boxing recently. It's the most true sport (not counting UFC I guess) but while wanting to throw up it's horrible to think about. Lyle versus Foreman, etc, etc. It's all just horrible. Lamon Brewster blind in one eye. Herbie Hide....

It's just the failing as a writer. It's bothering me so much. Otherwise life is OK. Saw a thing about "grit", was thinking "grit" isn't necessarily a good thing. Failing for decades can eventually wear you down.

So trying to keep it character based but with so doing I feel like I have no creativity. Also strangely I find myself afraid to listen to industrial music lately. Which is sort of strange... I associate it with such an unhappy time in my life and well, it is indeed sort of really unhappy music. I find myself afraid to listen to it. It ties into my creativity so much. Without I got fucking nothing. But I listen to it and I'm taken back to those years where I constantly debated whether or not I should kill myself. Everyday was such a struggle to survive. It was awful. Obviously I don't want to be reminded, right? Why would I?

But the fuck does one do with such a life. Years and years spent so close to dying. What does one do with such memories? Years and years that were completely devoid of any happiness. What does one do when that was one's formative years?

...genetics. Our environment plays only a minor role in who we are.... But they say when put through hell this may go out the window. Eh.

Some people are just resilient. Others are just whiny bitches always thinking up how such and such is negative. Taking offense and so on.

What am I? I'm sick and miserable at the moment.

This is inconsiderate. Not thinking well.

For characters I considered using some people I knew in the military. There were some relatively lively characters from that time. Intelligent underachievers. Unfortunately that was such a bad time for me. That is when I almost died. I can't see anyway I can really go there. But if not there, where? I feel the same always, essentially. It's in one youth that matters. That's when you are shaped (to the extent environment shapes you). But you have to write based on your experiences to some extent surely... You can't just pull shit out of some kind of vacuum...???

I can't stand what I've written here. Doubt it does my any good. I won't want to ever reread it. I file it under the same category as all that crap from my youth.

Cello practice
1. Vibrato in time with fast beat
2. Scales with beat as fast as possible, focus in particular on second position, extended position, etc.
3. dotzauer book with and without fast beat
4. some time spent without a beat just enjoying playing
5. various pieces with beat as can manage

Viola practice
vibrato exercises with beat, especially c string
then if I have anything left to continue to hold proper position, a bit of time just playing whatever

3 5/4's plus a 4 minutes at 9 mph(6.6min/mile) on 2% incline. Definitely could have done another minute... The pain is different for 5's. More relevant. Simply withstanding the pain is the limiting factor. And worrying I'll get so sloppy I'll fall off the treadmill. Really think these long intervals (with long rests) is what will finally get me setting some PB's. Have found I can do them every other day (all out) without wearing out. One minute intervals and less caused my knee to start bothering me. 2, 3, 4 don't hit certain parts of the body well enough. Not aerobic enough. Too long will wear the body out. Maybe I could do longer than 5 though... But 5 is really really hard and certainly feels like it's working. Haven't tried a time trial yet though.

Almost finished with Words of Radiance. Really liking it. Negatives are I guess slightly soap operaish and sometimes the dialogue gets kind of stupid. But has a lot that is good. Lots of ethics. Think I noticed a plot hole once or twice, but as long and as convoluted as it is, I don't mind.

Once finished I will try yet again to write. But must start with characters. That comes first. Not whatever the hell it is that haunts me.

Hobb named the royalty "Chivalry", "Verity", "Shrewd", "Regal", and the characters could be best described exactly with their names. Think I'll try that. "Duty" and so on.

Again I wrote zero words. But I'm spending a lot more time playing cello/viola. And the beginning part of the week I was so dammed stressed, the idea of trying to write just seemed ridiculous. Finally thought of worrying about others instead of myself and the stress just disappeared. Maybe because I don't really have anyone else to worry about? Well what the hell it works. Wonder if it still will if I ever have someone else who really needs my worrying.

Reading Words of Radiance which is a really good book. Stormlight Archive seems so much better than his other works. Book one was one of the best I've read...

Did a 3.5 reps of a 4/4 at 6.5 min/miles on 2% incline. Shorter harder interval workouts leave me feeling better than longer slower ones.

My back definitely feels better when I really limit refined sugars. If I start eating something with refined sugar everyday. Like a piece of pie. My back starts bothering me more. I think.

Had a dream that I lost my job. I went and confronted my boss to ask why. She said they just hadn't made enough money. But then she made a pass at me. I didn't really reciprocate. Then she kind of acted like she was going to cry. Then she turned into a cat and hissed at me and waved her claws.

I do appreciate that in real life I virtually never see/interact with her, I guess. Don't think very highly of her. I assume she's just a bit stoopid, doing the best she can, but feels a bit intimidated?? Feel like she plays at being sophisticated or something. Comes across very weird and fake. And she has no clue what I do I think. Ultimately my job has been fine so whatever.

Bit stressy because I have some deadlines falling behind on. But they are the stuff I do only when everything else is finished. They aren't hard deadlines and I have a ton of other things. But if next week is very busy I may have to work on a lit review and abstract, etc at home I guess.

Three published papers so far and I guess there's the possibility of two more. For someone who only has a two year degree in the profession I work in and gets absolutely nothing out of publishing papers it's a bit strange.

I wrote zero words this week. My desire to write is just all messed up. It isn't based on a story I have in my head or even characters I have in my head... My strong desire to write is motivated by vague feelings and flashes of images. I attempt to write stories in which I can put these images and vague feelings. And it's not working.

So I want to accomplish B because of this A that I want to share with others and also expand for myself. But A just doesn't lead even remotely to accomplishing B and I've failed for so long at B that I'm kind of willing to forget all about A and do whatever it takes to just accomplish B now.

But A was the whole reason to bother in the first place. And the possibility of forgetting about A while still continuing to try to write, simply because I don't like to give up at things... is both humorous to me and also something I should try to avoid I guess. I'm thinking I need to learn to daydream about things with maybe little to no relation to A but then ultimately still have A in there. Possibly this A will end up being just a meaningless thing thrown in. Hopefully not.

My earlier years were a very intense struggle to survive. I invented (somewhat subconsciously) a malevolent god that wanted me dead that I continued to survive simply to spite. That's the best reason I could come up with to continue living. And in such a state I went for 15 to 20 or so years.

There are feelings/images from that time I don't want to lose. It's all terribly, pitifully vague. Writing is possibly really not the best medium. Painting would make more sense I guess. Except when it's other artists I far prefer books to paintings. But no painter has really come even close to what I guess I would want to paint. And certainly no writer has either. So what I like from others has maybe little relevance.

But I just don't care for painting. So much work and it gets a uncomprehending glance if that. So, onward.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3774727/
Etc. 30 seconds and 4 minutes. I've been doing 40 seconds (taking into account the treadmill slowly speeding up) and 2:40. To do intervals more than twice a week, I think 4 minutes is too hard. The intensity I'm using is also I think a little too hard. Feel very tired at times. Thinking to reduce to 3 times a week....

Read Dr. Susan Brown's The Acid Alkaline Food Guide. Going to try to eat more alkaline. Claims it gives more energy among too many others things. Must note that it's pointed out that at high altitudes the lack of oxygen has an alkalizing effect. Found this interesting as people at high altitudes do actually live longer. Doesn't seem that it's understood why: http://www.wisegeek.com/does-altitude-affect-life-expectancy.htm The concept of Chromic Low-Grade Metabolic Acidosis could explain it. Maybe it will catch on.

Read The Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier. Meh. Kind of boring and just fades off. Much more realistic people. A lot of time spent in people's head as they remember mostly random bits of their lives. It was kind of boring. Idea is after death everyone goes to a kind of purgatory? until there is no one alive who directly remembers them anymore. And on earth a plague is in the process of completely wiping out mankind.

Also I bought a viola. Really like the sound. I guess it will bite into my cello playing but I'm not racing against the clock to become awesome.