Imaginary eyes still have some small importance to me and thus the following is viewable by anyone. The imaginary eyes I guess they have internet access but are not in my head.

I have to get a little crazy and try and fail a lot more.

Been sick with stomach virus. Did a bout of vomiting which is so horrible for me. Maybe it just has me in a bad mood. Keep thinking about ugly things. But then everything seems ugly when I've got nausea. Was the first time in 3 years. Wife's first time in 30 years.

Trying to fly tomorrow i suspect will be hell.

The impetus(?) to write is tied in with very negative things unfortunately. My entire childhood is solely negative. And one just can't go to that day after day. It doesn't work. People with bad memories more likely to have depression. How can I spin it? How can it be something that I can still, in some way, remember? To just forget it all, to entirely forget one's childhood... then what do you have? But it was entirely miserable. At least today it seems that way. Which maybe is strange, not quite right. Mostly it wasn't so great but it wasn't quite that bad... was it? I don't know.

The true impetus to write comes entirely from negative things. Possibly you could say there was the overcoming of those negatives and therefore it's positive, but it doesn't feel that way somehow.....

Everything is negative today. Was watching a lot of boxing recently. It's the most true sport (not counting UFC I guess) but while wanting to throw up it's horrible to think about. Lyle versus Foreman, etc, etc. It's all just horrible. Lamon Brewster blind in one eye. Herbie Hide....

It's just the failing as a writer. It's bothering me so much. Otherwise life is OK. Saw a thing about "grit", was thinking "grit" isn't necessarily a good thing. Failing for decades can eventually wear you down.

So trying to keep it character based but with so doing I feel like I have no creativity. Also strangely I find myself afraid to listen to industrial music lately. Which is sort of strange... I associate it with such an unhappy time in my life and well, it is indeed sort of really unhappy music. I find myself afraid to listen to it. It ties into my creativity so much. Without I got fucking nothing. But I listen to it and I'm taken back to those years where I constantly debated whether or not I should kill myself. Everyday was such a struggle to survive. It was awful. Obviously I don't want to be reminded, right? Why would I?

But the fuck does one do with such a life. Years and years spent so close to dying. What does one do with such memories? Years and years that were completely devoid of any happiness. What does one do when that was one's formative years?

...genetics. Our environment plays only a minor role in who we are.... But they say when put through hell this may go out the window. Eh.

Some people are just resilient. Others are just whiny bitches always thinking up how such and such is negative. Taking offense and so on.

What am I? I'm sick and miserable at the moment.

This is inconsiderate. Not thinking well.

For characters I considered using some people I knew in the military. There were some relatively lively characters from that time. Intelligent underachievers. Unfortunately that was such a bad time for me. That is when I almost died. I can't see anyway I can really go there. But if not there, where? I feel the same always, essentially. It's in one youth that matters. That's when you are shaped (to the extent environment shapes you). But you have to write based on your experiences to some extent surely... You can't just pull shit out of some kind of vacuum...???

I can't stand what I've written here. Doubt it does my any good. I won't want to ever reread it. I file it under the same category as all that crap from my youth.