Starting two weeks ago started running outdoors instead of on the treadmill. I picked the worst time of year. Ground is covered in snow/ice. Despite using a 3% incline the conversion still isn't very good. Maybe mostly because of the snow..?? Last night ran at a track for first time in many, many years. Did lap intervals. Interested in trying to train somewhat like Roger Bannister. Not bothering with the tedious slow stuff. I'm doing 8 quarters currently. Last night averaged about 1:55. Which is damm slow. Knee continues to be in this place where I can't quite tell if it's getting better or not. I can look down at my legs and see a clear muscle imbalance. I bought a perfect exercise bike a couple days ago. Hopefully that will help. Thinking maybe to combine that with power cleans. It seems though 13 hour days on my feet combined with the running is just too much for my knees.
Right now going down to running maybe just once every 4 days or so. In part because of the right knee issue. Also in high school ran a 6 minute mile just from playing basketball and riding an exercise bike, so I can improve plenty from where I'm at with little actual running, perhaps.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Too busy lately. Barely been playing my cello. Taking care of both parents. They're sleeping in the tree room. Mom's back is very bad, most likely will require surgery. At the point where she just about can't walk anymore at all. Dad is getting better at the moment but still has the catheter in. Writing music is a luxury I no longer have time for. I want to work really hard on Romberg's sonata in c major. Had a bad lesson yesterday. When I'm too tired I just suck at cello playing. Probably need to ease up the running. Again a bit much of that and my cello playing goes to hell.
The Gate to Women's Country by Sheri Tepper
A fantasy fiction alternate society where the vast majority of men are considered to be violent, monsterous creatures that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce and that shouldn't be allowed to be a part of civilized society. This book suggests that roughly 5% of men are decent and that we perhaps should use eugenics to rid ourselves of the violence, power seeking activities which permeate our world.
Beautifully done. Slightly reminded me of To Kill A Mockingbird. Advocation of eugenics is not an easy one to manage but it's done very well here. I strongly agreed with the points Tepper made throughout. This here is a template to remember.
Similar to Bakker the main character has no ace up his sleeve, instead it's other side characters. Also the injustice isn't glaringly blunt.
Plot develops quite slowly, I almost didn't get into it. The flashes to the greek play I didn't like at the time but in hindsight seemed brilliant. Yet if attempting to appeal to a large audience are probably a mistake.
Beautiful analogies. That so many men perhaps could be good but are coerced, pressured into being "manly"/"not gay" and thus becoming harmful ugly creatures. In regular society thus permeates. In this society they thus choose to stay in Warrior country. To be one of the few "sissies" who comes back to Women's Country takes an exceptional man. But it's stark and easier to see whereas in our real world we can't see that the same thing is happening on a hourly basis, in our social norms.
Loved the bigamist Mormon society at the end also.
This story is not as capitivating as Hobb, Martin, or even Bakker. But the ideas could be life changing to a person who reads this at the right time. As such I'd say it's the best fantasy fiction I've ever read. A much more important author than Bakker who edges into tediousness but whom I still read because of the side characters hidden aces.
A fantasy fiction alternate society where the vast majority of men are considered to be violent, monsterous creatures that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce and that shouldn't be allowed to be a part of civilized society. This book suggests that roughly 5% of men are decent and that we perhaps should use eugenics to rid ourselves of the violence, power seeking activities which permeate our world.
Beautifully done. Slightly reminded me of To Kill A Mockingbird. Advocation of eugenics is not an easy one to manage but it's done very well here. I strongly agreed with the points Tepper made throughout. This here is a template to remember.
Similar to Bakker the main character has no ace up his sleeve, instead it's other side characters. Also the injustice isn't glaringly blunt.
Plot develops quite slowly, I almost didn't get into it. The flashes to the greek play I didn't like at the time but in hindsight seemed brilliant. Yet if attempting to appeal to a large audience are probably a mistake.
Beautiful analogies. That so many men perhaps could be good but are coerced, pressured into being "manly"/"not gay" and thus becoming harmful ugly creatures. In regular society thus permeates. In this society they thus choose to stay in Warrior country. To be one of the few "sissies" who comes back to Women's Country takes an exceptional man. But it's stark and easier to see whereas in our real world we can't see that the same thing is happening on a hourly basis, in our social norms.
Loved the bigamist Mormon society at the end also.
This story is not as capitivating as Hobb, Martin, or even Bakker. But the ideas could be life changing to a person who reads this at the right time. As such I'd say it's the best fantasy fiction I've ever read. A much more important author than Bakker who edges into tediousness but whom I still read because of the side characters hidden aces.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Book one of the Prince of Nothing by R. Scott Bakker
I find it difficult to break it down. Either because it's on a higher level or because breaking it down gets in the way of the enjoyment and it's highly enjoyable. Not quite as enjoyable as Hobb's Farseer Trilogy but nothing else is as good.
There is some injustice but not put out there very bluntly. Not dwelled upon. Injustice is simply a fact of life from Bakker's POV.
There is an unknown related to magic. Definitely not overexplained. Done just right.
The main "hero" has a hidden ace that instead of being related to magic concerns his having defeated his unconscious. Which is pretty cerebral as is the book in general for fantasy fiction. Considering though what an important idea conquering the unconscious has been to me the last few years, it's almost notable how little it matters with regards to enjoying/not enjoying this book.
This is the most cerebral fantasy fiction I've ever read. And the story has held me pretty well. I suppose not quite as well as George Martin or Robin Hobb. Occasionally he stops the action too much in order to describe a setting. Occasionally he goes off to characters that don't appear to be of any importance or much interest. He has a bad habit of having characters asks themselves a lot of questions which I don't care for. Strays a bit toward the boring stuff of reality.
The political intrigue reminds me of Dune and gets somewhat tiresome and the setting is generic middle ages. Still excellent though. Probably will read much more, maybe everything by Bakker, whom has so little popularity he's going to have to go get another job he says.
I find it difficult to break it down. Either because it's on a higher level or because breaking it down gets in the way of the enjoyment and it's highly enjoyable. Not quite as enjoyable as Hobb's Farseer Trilogy but nothing else is as good.
There is some injustice but not put out there very bluntly. Not dwelled upon. Injustice is simply a fact of life from Bakker's POV.
There is an unknown related to magic. Definitely not overexplained. Done just right.
The main "hero" has a hidden ace that instead of being related to magic concerns his having defeated his unconscious. Which is pretty cerebral as is the book in general for fantasy fiction. Considering though what an important idea conquering the unconscious has been to me the last few years, it's almost notable how little it matters with regards to enjoying/not enjoying this book.
This is the most cerebral fantasy fiction I've ever read. And the story has held me pretty well. I suppose not quite as well as George Martin or Robin Hobb. Occasionally he stops the action too much in order to describe a setting. Occasionally he goes off to characters that don't appear to be of any importance or much interest. He has a bad habit of having characters asks themselves a lot of questions which I don't care for. Strays a bit toward the boring stuff of reality.
The political intrigue reminds me of Dune and gets somewhat tiresome and the setting is generic middle ages. Still excellent though. Probably will read much more, maybe everything by Bakker, whom has so little popularity he's going to have to go get another job he says.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
They realized that this world was hopeless. That the end was nigh. And in the last instances of humankind they retreated elsewhere for they were The Elses. Out into the forest they went rejecting mere surival and focusing on the else. Things like playing the cello for endless hours day after day for decades. Totally useless stuff. Living off fruit and nuts and low and behold living much longer as a side effect. But rarely ever breeding. More androgynous, more often gay, away from survival and reproduction. Off into silly stuff. Away from reality. But capable of doing well at mere survival as they were more intelligent than average, intelligent enough to have turned away in the first place. Above average fighters. Much faster and smarter but much smaller and thinner and would almost always simply turn and run away. Generally they hated man but didn't dwell upon him. Few let hatred burn them up.
They were few of course. Far, far fewer than man. How else could they be the else? And of course they rarely bred, and never take on wars of conquest. Instead they just forever retreat. On the other hand, they lived longer and were generally smart enough to stay the hell away from men, generally smart enough to find places to hide. So then, there existed small pockets of heaven, if you could ever find them. But they'd rather you didn't. Even the best men just infect their heaven with ugliness. As the warring races of men have the most offensive and sick norms ingrained so deeply into everything they do.
They were few of course. Far, far fewer than man. How else could they be the else? And of course they rarely bred, and never take on wars of conquest. Instead they just forever retreat. On the other hand, they lived longer and were generally smart enough to stay the hell away from men, generally smart enough to find places to hide. So then, there existed small pockets of heaven, if you could ever find them. But they'd rather you didn't. Even the best men just infect their heaven with ugliness. As the warring races of men have the most offensive and sick norms ingrained so deeply into everything they do.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dad taken back to hospital by ambulance on Friday for looked like a stroke but apparently was a partial seizure caused by low blood sugar. Low blood sugar caused by kidneys not clearing diabetic medicine properly. Very stressful day. Last two weeks also very stressful. He expects me to be his nurse 24/7. My sister (also a nurse) doesn't help. I've been in the hopsital more than 200 hours last two weeks. On top of this I keep getting slammed at work with horrible patient loads. To stay sane one has to keep some emotional distance from their patients, with being a family member in the hospital so much these last two weeks I've lost that and have been just panicking at work now.
I previously felt that even if I won the lottery I wanted to keep working (reducing my hours of course) but now, I dread work. Finally slammed again Saturday and it was finally just too much and I finally made a mistake. Nothing life threatened but I just feel sick, feel so bad want to quit. Called off Sunday basically for a 'mental health day' not that we're allowed any such thing. Just said I was "sick".
Apparently there's something in Little Debbie oatmeal cookies that triggers those sinus headaches for me. Had a headache starting around midnight for the last 12 hours. Hadn't had one in quite a while. Took aspirin. Now took tylenol. Think I'll be OK for my cello lesson today. It was last week but I postponed because I never had a chance to practice since the previous. Rescheduled then my dad got rushed to the hospital yet again so I still have barely played.
Mother also can barely walk because of back issue. They're both staying in the spare bedroom. The "treeroom". And I'm taking care of both of them. It's nice to have them here. Before just being across town we'd sometimes go weeks without seeing each other. Too bad it takes this to see them more often.
I previously felt that even if I won the lottery I wanted to keep working (reducing my hours of course) but now, I dread work. Finally slammed again Saturday and it was finally just too much and I finally made a mistake. Nothing life threatened but I just feel sick, feel so bad want to quit. Called off Sunday basically for a 'mental health day' not that we're allowed any such thing. Just said I was "sick".
Apparently there's something in Little Debbie oatmeal cookies that triggers those sinus headaches for me. Had a headache starting around midnight for the last 12 hours. Hadn't had one in quite a while. Took aspirin. Now took tylenol. Think I'll be OK for my cello lesson today. It was last week but I postponed because I never had a chance to practice since the previous. Rescheduled then my dad got rushed to the hospital yet again so I still have barely played.
Mother also can barely walk because of back issue. They're both staying in the spare bedroom. The "treeroom". And I'm taking care of both of them. It's nice to have them here. Before just being across town we'd sometimes go weeks without seeing each other. Too bad it takes this to see them more often.
Curse of the Mistwraith by Janny Wurts
Nice prose but there is not much sense of injustice. There has been a fog for 500 years but 200 pages in and we've neither been shown nor told why exactly this is quite such a bad thing. Maybe it's supposed to be mysterious? But if so, that's not the thing to wrap in mystery IMO.
There are two heros. They have aces, but not up their sleeves, more so right out in the open with too many people well aware.
Beautiful prose but except for some injustice to the one hero which is overcome very quickly, this just doesn't have the essential elements a book needs to keep the pages turning. I've too many other books waiting and have given up at 200 pages.
Nice prose but there is not much sense of injustice. There has been a fog for 500 years but 200 pages in and we've neither been shown nor told why exactly this is quite such a bad thing. Maybe it's supposed to be mysterious? But if so, that's not the thing to wrap in mystery IMO.
There are two heros. They have aces, but not up their sleeves, more so right out in the open with too many people well aware.
Beautiful prose but except for some injustice to the one hero which is overcome very quickly, this just doesn't have the essential elements a book needs to keep the pages turning. I've too many other books waiting and have given up at 200 pages.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Dad says after teaching these last 40 years and watching his students slowly getting stupider and stupider he's come to the conclusion that it's hopeless. "I can't change the world. We're doomed."
Absolutely correct.
But considering that chocolate goes well with wheat (cookies, brownies, etc), how would another "starch"? Say a baked potato with a hershey bar melted on top? Hmmm?
Today I found that a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato was quite good.
Absolutely correct.
But considering that chocolate goes well with wheat (cookies, brownies, etc), how would another "starch"? Say a baked potato with a hershey bar melted on top? Hmmm?
Today I found that a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato was quite good.
Wolf in Shadows by David Gemmell
Clint Eastwood in an apopcalyptical future with magic. Better than Mistborn by Sanderson. Characters are less 2D but ultimately could still be better. Hero is certainly heroic. It's not a dystopia though. Just a chaos. He does have a hell of an ace up his sleeve though. The magic isn't overly explained. A decent amount of mystery is left. And hard moral questions. Hard questions about human society.
The characters are still a bit simplistic overall though. Gemmell seems to be good stuff but I could see getting tired of Jon Shannow pretty quickly. Worth picking up another. Now reading Janny Wurts' Curse of the Mistwraith which is maybe a bit better... If instead I was currently reading something worse I might say nicer things of Gemmell. A negative might be that too much is explained at the end. The magic is too much explained. Best to leave that forever unknown. The world is maybe a bit too much explained ultimately, eventually. And Shannow starts seeming a bit too simplistic in the end.
Clint Eastwood in an apopcalyptical future with magic. Better than Mistborn by Sanderson. Characters are less 2D but ultimately could still be better. Hero is certainly heroic. It's not a dystopia though. Just a chaos. He does have a hell of an ace up his sleeve though. The magic isn't overly explained. A decent amount of mystery is left. And hard moral questions. Hard questions about human society.
The characters are still a bit simplistic overall though. Gemmell seems to be good stuff but I could see getting tired of Jon Shannow pretty quickly. Worth picking up another. Now reading Janny Wurts' Curse of the Mistwraith which is maybe a bit better... If instead I was currently reading something worse I might say nicer things of Gemmell. A negative might be that too much is explained at the end. The magic is too much explained. Best to leave that forever unknown. The world is maybe a bit too much explained ultimately, eventually. And Shannow starts seeming a bit too simplistic in the end.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
MIstborn by Brandon Sanderson
Crude though the setting is, it is beyond the usual generic medieval setting. It is dystopian. And it does have heroes with special powers and the feeling of something vaguely positive looming and/or injustice that will be righted.
On the negative the characters have little depth. They have no nuance of feeling. They are a bit too stupid.
The level of detail in explaining the magic is tedious and goes against the whole point of magic in the first place, which is this symbol of the unknown. The level of detail concerning the magic edges over into being childish.
Finally the revolutionary plot also gets a bit tedious. The characters are a little too superficial for one to really care whether or not they're eventually successful in their revolution.
Yet it has it's moments. The characters aren't complete cardboard cutouts. There is some depth. Here and there. Just not enough. Maybe I can't completely explain. A lack of nuance in the characters. Everything too spelled out for the reader. Way too much explanation of the magic. Bad humor. I suppose too many unbelievable jumps to keep the plot moving. Insufficient detail in describing the setting and the people. Few meaningful insights. The main character isn't is too light. That which made him who he is, is never actually shown, just told.
There are many types of characters. But they all seemed to be slapped together stereotypes.
Some of these criticisms may not be totally fair...
Crude though the setting is, it is beyond the usual generic medieval setting. It is dystopian. And it does have heroes with special powers and the feeling of something vaguely positive looming and/or injustice that will be righted.
On the negative the characters have little depth. They have no nuance of feeling. They are a bit too stupid.
The level of detail in explaining the magic is tedious and goes against the whole point of magic in the first place, which is this symbol of the unknown. The level of detail concerning the magic edges over into being childish.
Finally the revolutionary plot also gets a bit tedious. The characters are a little too superficial for one to really care whether or not they're eventually successful in their revolution.
Yet it has it's moments. The characters aren't complete cardboard cutouts. There is some depth. Here and there. Just not enough. Maybe I can't completely explain. A lack of nuance in the characters. Everything too spelled out for the reader. Way too much explanation of the magic. Bad humor. I suppose too many unbelievable jumps to keep the plot moving. Insufficient detail in describing the setting and the people. Few meaningful insights. The main character isn't is too light. That which made him who he is, is never actually shown, just told.
There are many types of characters. But they all seemed to be slapped together stereotypes.
Some of these criticisms may not be totally fair...
Friday, November 19, 2010
Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson
Hooked in on page one and I shed a tear on page 59.
Dystopian escapist fantasy.
Dystopian - slavery, which is a crude dystopia but it is a dystopia. Does dystopia have any particular heart?
Inequality? A heirarchy?
In it's most crude and blunt terms it's 'slavery'. It seems something more sophisticated might be better but it does work.
Escapist Fantasy - allomancy - the hero with special (magical) powers, you know something good's going to happen. Sci-fi just doesn't work as well as the ace up the sleeve isn't as grand and... with this magic is there the suggestion of religion lurking back in the subconcious? The magic suggests something very positive is going to happen. It somehow does so more than one could can manage with sci-fi...
Hooked in on page one and I shed a tear on page 59.
Dystopian escapist fantasy.
Dystopian - slavery, which is a crude dystopia but it is a dystopia. Does dystopia have any particular heart?
Inequality? A heirarchy?
In it's most crude and blunt terms it's 'slavery'. It seems something more sophisticated might be better but it does work.
Escapist Fantasy - allomancy - the hero with special (magical) powers, you know something good's going to happen. Sci-fi just doesn't work as well as the ace up the sleeve isn't as grand and... with this magic is there the suggestion of religion lurking back in the subconcious? The magic suggests something very positive is going to happen. It somehow does so more than one could can manage with sci-fi...
2.5% treadmill incline
"Tempo" run - 6.5mph for 2 miles
HR monitor seems to be picking up my stride rate instead of my heart rate. As soon as I stopped HR was 188. Run felt slightly hard. RPE 4. This is supposed to be a tempo run. My speed is down a bit but I'm adding distance and incline. I did go back up from 5.1 to 6.5 while decreasing the incline from 3% to 2.5%.
Otherwise life is relatively wonderful. I suppose. Just a matter of turning away from some things. Combined with other necessities being quite secure. So work's good. Marriage is good. Family is good. Health is good. Sleeping very good. Have money just sitting around waiting for me to think of things to buy.
"Tempo" run - 6.5mph for 2 miles
HR monitor seems to be picking up my stride rate instead of my heart rate. As soon as I stopped HR was 188. Run felt slightly hard. RPE 4. This is supposed to be a tempo run. My speed is down a bit but I'm adding distance and incline. I did go back up from 5.1 to 6.5 while decreasing the incline from 3% to 2.5%.
Otherwise life is relatively wonderful. I suppose. Just a matter of turning away from some things. Combined with other necessities being quite secure. So work's good. Marriage is good. Family is good. Health is good. Sleeping very good. Have money just sitting around waiting for me to think of things to buy.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson, first 200 pages of it. First book of the Malazan series.
This was recommended concerning escapist dystopian fantasy. But just because everyone's at war doesn't truly make a novel dystopian. For it to be dystopian there has to be something unique about the social norms and here it's the same old generic stuff. The exact same social norms but with the exact same simplifications which makes it fantasy. Also characters are a bit light and it's basically just killing. One hardly cares who dies. Best feature is the level of detail of the magic which I suppose makes the setting more believable but I don't think it's the correct way to go about introducing magic actually. It should be vague. It's supposed to be the unknown. Although granted plenty of unknown is left here so I guess the level of detail is OK.
Lots of political intrigue. Which isn't interesting. Reminds me of Dune in that.
There is something essential missing from the characters. There needs to be something other than endless war and killing and political intrigue in order to make one care about the results of all that muck.
What's keeping the pages turning?
There is some injustice to be righted. Although it's not strong enough IMO. And there is a sort of hero who one gets a very slight feeling has something special about him. Some ace up his sleeve. Barely. Maybe. Not leading to something very wonderful though. Just maybe they'll ease up this killing. They've not made room for anything in the place of the killing therefore nothing wonderful can loom.
..furthermore it just occurred to me they're really pushing the military angle a bit much... But then it is war.... Eh.
This was recommended concerning escapist dystopian fantasy. But just because everyone's at war doesn't truly make a novel dystopian. For it to be dystopian there has to be something unique about the social norms and here it's the same old generic stuff. The exact same social norms but with the exact same simplifications which makes it fantasy. Also characters are a bit light and it's basically just killing. One hardly cares who dies. Best feature is the level of detail of the magic which I suppose makes the setting more believable but I don't think it's the correct way to go about introducing magic actually. It should be vague. It's supposed to be the unknown. Although granted plenty of unknown is left here so I guess the level of detail is OK.
Lots of political intrigue. Which isn't interesting. Reminds me of Dune in that.
There is something essential missing from the characters. There needs to be something other than endless war and killing and political intrigue in order to make one care about the results of all that muck.
What's keeping the pages turning?
There is some injustice to be righted. Although it's not strong enough IMO. And there is a sort of hero who one gets a very slight feeling has something special about him. Some ace up his sleeve. Barely. Maybe. Not leading to something very wonderful though. Just maybe they'll ease up this killing. They've not made room for anything in the place of the killing therefore nothing wonderful can loom.
..furthermore it just occurred to me they're really pushing the military angle a bit much... But then it is war.... Eh.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Worked my weekly night shift last night which was fun. Came home and slept hard for 5 hours. Then got up and did my first "long" run on the treadmill. Which ended up mostly at 5.2mph with a bit at 5.1 at the end and was only 30 minutes long. I had expected to hopefully manage 6 mph but I did just move up to a 3% incline and I also haven't been running longer times at all. Heartrate was around 157 for quite a while but at the end jumped up to 185. Wasn't breathing hard at all. I think in part I just have an unusually high max heart rate for my age. RPE was a 3. Moderate intensity. Afterwards read a bit of Steven Erikson, had some broccoli and hummus, noted that I hadn't been very thirsty lately and was probably dehydrated and then slept an additional three wonderful hours. Woke up quite thirsty. And now up to the grocery store and off to cook for parents.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I was wondering if anyone could recommend some dystopian fantasy?
It seems sci-fi is more usually dystopian while fantasy usually has a relatively generic medieval setting. And to the extent fantasy settings are dystopian they usually are so in a relatively uncreative way. Simply the return of our own past, with slavery, more poverty/disease and inequality.
I think ultimately I want more original well thought out dystopias such as you would get say from Brave New World, 1984 or The Handmaid's Tale that at the same time had magic in it. Such that you could have a hero with special powers which would leave a vague sense that something positive is eventually going to happen.
Sadly the only that is coming to mind (and I just went over the 1000 books in my library) is the beginning of Salvatore's Dark Elf Trilogy, except Menzobarranzan (sp) was really too simplistic.
What I ultimately want is a story set in a dystopia where the reader would still want to go to the books as an enjoyable escape, not out of some masochistic urge.
In sci-fi, dystopian settings are very common but the lack of magic seems to usually make it not sufficiently escapist to me personally. I suppose though that might be a better direction to be looking.
It's no wonder I haven't managed to complete any fiction writing yet. My goals are kind of unique, or close to being so anyway. If I would have been happy to write some run-of-the-mill fiction, I wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever.
I am currently stuck trying to figure out how to make a story about a sophisticated dystopia which is still highly escapist. I don't think I've ever read such a story. I guess the thing is the degree of escapism. It could be sci-fi instead and still be somewhat escapist. But without magic, it would be to me, a good deal less escapist.
It seems sci-fi is more usually dystopian while fantasy usually has a relatively generic medieval setting. And to the extent fantasy settings are dystopian they usually are so in a relatively uncreative way. Simply the return of our own past, with slavery, more poverty/disease and inequality.
I think ultimately I want more original well thought out dystopias such as you would get say from Brave New World, 1984 or The Handmaid's Tale that at the same time had magic in it. Such that you could have a hero with special powers which would leave a vague sense that something positive is eventually going to happen.
Sadly the only that is coming to mind (and I just went over the 1000 books in my library) is the beginning of Salvatore's Dark Elf Trilogy, except Menzobarranzan (sp) was really too simplistic.
What I ultimately want is a story set in a dystopia where the reader would still want to go to the books as an enjoyable escape, not out of some masochistic urge.
In sci-fi, dystopian settings are very common but the lack of magic seems to usually make it not sufficiently escapist to me personally. I suppose though that might be a better direction to be looking.
It's no wonder I haven't managed to complete any fiction writing yet. My goals are kind of unique, or close to being so anyway. If I would have been happy to write some run-of-the-mill fiction, I wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever.
I am currently stuck trying to figure out how to make a story about a sophisticated dystopia which is still highly escapist. I don't think I've ever read such a story. I guess the thing is the degree of escapism. It could be sci-fi instead and still be somewhat escapist. But without magic, it would be to me, a good deal less escapist.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Going to follow this site's recommendations concerning training. One long run, one fast paced medium run and one speed work day per week and otherwise no running.
Never ever seen exercise related advice that referred to such a comprehensive review of the scientific literature. Really warms my heart to see such a thing for a change.
Also going to keep better track than ever before. Even bought a heart rate monitor.
11/15/10 Monday - speed day
treadmill 3% incline
2 minutes at 7 mph 1 minute walk x 3
2 minutes 7.2 mph 90 second walk x 3
Heartrate at end of each run-170 to 190
At end of each walk 130 or so.
210 seconds of stair running
Bodyweight 214.5
Not sure what the target heart rate should be for a speed day. Run felt very good although obviously a 190 heart rate is pretty high... I wasn't gasping for breath though. Resting heart rate is 58. Suspect if it starts getting low 50's/high 40's, I'm overtraining...
Session RPE scale:
0 = rest
1 = really easy
2 = easy
3 = moderate
4 = sort of hard
5 = hard
6
7 = really hard
8
9 = really, really hard
10 = just like my hardest race (i.e. all out effort)
RPE-3.8
11/13/10 Saturday
Pre heart monitor
treadmill 2.2% incline
12 minutes at 7.0mph, short rest and a couple more minutes. Was a borderline comfortable run.
Never ever seen exercise related advice that referred to such a comprehensive review of the scientific literature. Really warms my heart to see such a thing for a change.
Also going to keep better track than ever before. Even bought a heart rate monitor.
11/15/10 Monday - speed day
treadmill 3% incline
2 minutes at 7 mph 1 minute walk x 3
2 minutes 7.2 mph 90 second walk x 3
Heartrate at end of each run-170 to 190
At end of each walk 130 or so.
210 seconds of stair running
Bodyweight 214.5
Not sure what the target heart rate should be for a speed day. Run felt very good although obviously a 190 heart rate is pretty high... I wasn't gasping for breath though. Resting heart rate is 58. Suspect if it starts getting low 50's/high 40's, I'm overtraining...
Session RPE scale:
0 = rest
1 = really easy
2 = easy
3 = moderate
4 = sort of hard
5 = hard
6
7 = really hard
8
9 = really, really hard
10 = just like my hardest race (i.e. all out effort)
RPE-3.8
11/13/10 Saturday
Pre heart monitor
treadmill 2.2% incline
12 minutes at 7.0mph, short rest and a couple more minutes. Was a borderline comfortable run.
This is what I had been thinking for years. Performance in the so-called endurance sports is primarily a matter of having big enough muscles, in other words a high strength to weight ratio for the relevant muscles, not a matter of improving "cardiovascular fitness" or VO2 max or lactic acid threshold, etc.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
C.S. Lewis' Narnia books. He was trying to "prepare" children for becoming christians. Did he do the oppositve? By putting the feelings he wanted children to have for god into the realm of fantasy, did he make it impossible for them to feel the same thing concerning something they thought was real?
A way to deal with anxiety: take your real world stress and pretend it's something happening in a fantasy book.
A way to deal with anxiety: take your real world stress and pretend it's something happening in a fantasy book.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Starmaker, Last and First Men and Sirius by Olaf Stapledon
Extremely ambitious stuff. The entire history of man. A history of the universe right up to the end. And an attempt to extrapolate intelligence.
Doesn't use the usual withholding tricks to keep you turning the pages. Instead keeps the ideas coming. Still though, the ideas are too simplistic IMO. Like Jack Vance though, this is one of the few writers who found a different way to write. And like Vance not a good idea to attempt to imitate. Might be personally useful to reread Last and First Men though.
No injustice to be righted, no vague wonderful thing looming keeps one turning the pages. Just ideas.
I don't think such would get published in modern times. Even something along the same lines yet twice as good.
Extremely ambitious stuff. The entire history of man. A history of the universe right up to the end. And an attempt to extrapolate intelligence.
Doesn't use the usual withholding tricks to keep you turning the pages. Instead keeps the ideas coming. Still though, the ideas are too simplistic IMO. Like Jack Vance though, this is one of the few writers who found a different way to write. And like Vance not a good idea to attempt to imitate. Might be personally useful to reread Last and First Men though.
No injustice to be righted, no vague wonderful thing looming keeps one turning the pages. Just ideas.
I don't think such would get published in modern times. Even something along the same lines yet twice as good.
All the fantasy/sci-fi fiction of Jack Vance
Two types of stories. The stoic hero. And a sort of picaresque, a humorous mostly incompetent villian.
Believeable fantastic worlds told in so few words. 2D characters whom sounded intelligent making it more a place a person might want to escape to. A unique sort of escapism actually. Something none other has quite managed. Not much plot. Not much relevant social critique. The stoic hero seems to suggest libertarianism. Not sure about Vance's political views, although Thom Hartman (far left) dedicated a book to Jack and his wife.
Righting an injustice doesn't really keep these books going because the heroes are so stoic they hardly seemed touched by anything. I suppose there is just enough of a hint of righting injustice combined with beautiful worlds combined with the steel-like stoicism. There isn't really some great vague wonder. It's mainly the world and learning more of it. No one else makes a world keep the pages turning quite the same.
The picaresques have beautiful worlds combined with light comedy.
Two types of stories. The stoic hero. And a sort of picaresque, a humorous mostly incompetent villian.
Believeable fantastic worlds told in so few words. 2D characters whom sounded intelligent making it more a place a person might want to escape to. A unique sort of escapism actually. Something none other has quite managed. Not much plot. Not much relevant social critique. The stoic hero seems to suggest libertarianism. Not sure about Vance's political views, although Thom Hartman (far left) dedicated a book to Jack and his wife.
Righting an injustice doesn't really keep these books going because the heroes are so stoic they hardly seemed touched by anything. I suppose there is just enough of a hint of righting injustice combined with beautiful worlds combined with the steel-like stoicism. There isn't really some great vague wonder. It's mainly the world and learning more of it. No one else makes a world keep the pages turning quite the same.
The picaresques have beautiful worlds combined with light comedy.
Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
Had a slightly unusual feel to it that was memorable. Hate to say it but seemed downright Japanese I suppose. Something vaguely different that I can't put my finger on. Although I could if I bothered. But why go to so much trouble to be politically incorrect?
I don't particularly remember what exactly kept it all going. Some magical murderer guy who had to stopped. There's nothing in it remotely related to Kafka that I can see. Which seems like a false representation to me. I can't recall any great injustice or any great vague wonderful a looming. Not really much in the way of interesting insights. Had some good parts I suppose that really had a surreal dreamlike quality.
Had a slightly unusual feel to it that was memorable. Hate to say it but seemed downright Japanese I suppose. Something vaguely different that I can't put my finger on. Although I could if I bothered. But why go to so much trouble to be politically incorrect?
I don't particularly remember what exactly kept it all going. Some magical murderer guy who had to stopped. There's nothing in it remotely related to Kafka that I can see. Which seems like a false representation to me. I can't recall any great injustice or any great vague wonderful a looming. Not really much in the way of interesting insights. Had some good parts I suppose that really had a surreal dreamlike quality.
Broken Angels by Richard Morgan
I guess this was OK. Forgettable ending though.
Evil corporations rule the interstellar future. The hero (and he's a sort of decent one, not magical, instead it's all explained and thus sci-fi instead of fantasy and who even cares?) is trying to get some special thing (alien spaceship+teleportation portal) and the some random bad guys are trying to stop him. USA today compared Morgan to Philip Dick. But to be precise "a world as cinema-rich as those of PKD", which is to say, only similar to Dick concerning things that don't matter.
There was injustice to overcome. There was some grand positive thing vaguely looming in the distance. But forgettable.
I guess this was OK. Forgettable ending though.
Evil corporations rule the interstellar future. The hero (and he's a sort of decent one, not magical, instead it's all explained and thus sci-fi instead of fantasy and who even cares?) is trying to get some special thing (alien spaceship+teleportation portal) and the some random bad guys are trying to stop him. USA today compared Morgan to Philip Dick. But to be precise "a world as cinema-rich as those of PKD", which is to say, only similar to Dick concerning things that don't matter.
There was injustice to overcome. There was some grand positive thing vaguely looming in the distance. But forgettable.
Orcs by Stan Nicholls
Awfully stupid book.
On the front is a blurb by Tad Williams "Buy now or beg for mercy later."
Note to self: don't buy anythiing else by Tad Williams and don't bother ever finishing that one of his I started more than a decade ago.
Just from reading the blurbs I should have known better except the first one by the Independent claimed Nicholls was the equal of Robert Jordan and George Martin. Also I was at this strange bookstore that created the illusion of having a lot of books because it was an old converted house with 20+ rooms, but actually had a very small selection. And I wanted to get one fantasy book that day.
Fantasy is all about 2D characters but his are more 1D. His setting is about the same.
Injustice to right? Meh.
Some vague wonderful thing looming off in the distance? No.
Psychological insights? No.
Sociological insights? Tries to make the orcs seem like good people. He might be working his way around to saying something eventually interesting there, but I doubt it.
Perhaps this is like fantasy for marines I guess. I notice so many video games these days have a military thing, so the idea here was to that orcs are like marine grunts. Really just an awful piece of crap. I feel sorry for the fool having spent his time writing such a thing. But much more so for all the people who wasted any time partially reading it.
Awfully stupid book.
On the front is a blurb by Tad Williams "Buy now or beg for mercy later."
Note to self: don't buy anythiing else by Tad Williams and don't bother ever finishing that one of his I started more than a decade ago.
Just from reading the blurbs I should have known better except the first one by the Independent claimed Nicholls was the equal of Robert Jordan and George Martin. Also I was at this strange bookstore that created the illusion of having a lot of books because it was an old converted house with 20+ rooms, but actually had a very small selection. And I wanted to get one fantasy book that day.
Fantasy is all about 2D characters but his are more 1D. His setting is about the same.
Injustice to right? Meh.
Some vague wonderful thing looming off in the distance? No.
Psychological insights? No.
Sociological insights? Tries to make the orcs seem like good people. He might be working his way around to saying something eventually interesting there, but I doubt it.
Perhaps this is like fantasy for marines I guess. I notice so many video games these days have a military thing, so the idea here was to that orcs are like marine grunts. Really just an awful piece of crap. I feel sorry for the fool having spent his time writing such a thing. But much more so for all the people who wasted any time partially reading it.
R.A. Salvatore's Dark Elf books.
Underratted stuff. I assume being by Forgotten Realms means automatic dismissal and ultimately is as it should be. But these first few books here had some pretty good writing. Very beautifully written. Simplified 2D escapist characters. Plot goes along nicely and it's surprising how far it goes. Great injustice and a hero with special abilities at fighting are what keeps the pages turning. Extreme dystopian setting.
How I love the hero in a dystopian setting.
Eventually the series went to 20+ books and quit being interesting. One keeps on reading for a while hoping it picks back up. But Wulfgar is just a dumbass. Not likable like Drizzt. And the dystopia is gone. The world above ground is non memorable. And ultimately Salvatore isn't allowed to say anything interesting I seriously doubt anyway, writing for Forgotten Realms. Clear good and evil and swords flying around. The dark elf society just happened to resemble the real world in some ways to me. And watching the good man trying to survive in it was very interesting to me.
Underratted stuff. I assume being by Forgotten Realms means automatic dismissal and ultimately is as it should be. But these first few books here had some pretty good writing. Very beautifully written. Simplified 2D escapist characters. Plot goes along nicely and it's surprising how far it goes. Great injustice and a hero with special abilities at fighting are what keeps the pages turning. Extreme dystopian setting.
How I love the hero in a dystopian setting.
Eventually the series went to 20+ books and quit being interesting. One keeps on reading for a while hoping it picks back up. But Wulfgar is just a dumbass. Not likable like Drizzt. And the dystopia is gone. The world above ground is non memorable. And ultimately Salvatore isn't allowed to say anything interesting I seriously doubt anyway, writing for Forgotten Realms. Clear good and evil and swords flying around. The dark elf society just happened to resemble the real world in some ways to me. And watching the good man trying to survive in it was very interesting to me.
Martin (George RR)
His big fantasy series. Very similar to Robin Hobb. Impressively large medieval world that's ultimately just a bunch of people running here and there, killing one another, betraying one another. Annoyingly jumps from scene to scene, usually at the good part. The pages keep turning because there's so much injustice you want to see amended. Also again with the dragons brought back into the world.
The characters are simplified from the real such that they're an escape. The actual setting is nothing special. The plot is just about random and I suspect he's didn't do an outline all the way to the end. Which may explain why Martin only wrote three books and took way too long to go further. And he's in his 60's now and quite fat. Extremely unlikely he'll finish. And with all the cliffhangers he's left, I really wouldn't recommend reading him at all.
His big fantasy series. Very similar to Robin Hobb. Impressively large medieval world that's ultimately just a bunch of people running here and there, killing one another, betraying one another. Annoyingly jumps from scene to scene, usually at the good part. The pages keep turning because there's so much injustice you want to see amended. Also again with the dragons brought back into the world.
The characters are simplified from the real such that they're an escape. The actual setting is nothing special. The plot is just about random and I suspect he's didn't do an outline all the way to the end. Which may explain why Martin only wrote three books and took way too long to go further. And he's in his 60's now and quite fat. Extremely unlikely he'll finish. And with all the cliffhangers he's left, I really wouldn't recommend reading him at all.
The work of Robin Hobb/Megan Lindholm
The Fitz books really resonated with me. A main character with special powers in a world that has a decent bit of injustice in it. Not really a dystopia. Actually a medieval escapist setting. Which is pretty well done. Fitz suffers such extreme injustice. (As do the protagonists in all 15 books I've read by her.) Hobb really lays it on thicker than the average fantasy fiction IMO. At the same time you know that Fitz's powers are such that something good is eventually going to happen. Furthermore she teases concerning bringing back dragons, etc. She knows how to keep one turning the pages. The characters are decently detailed, yet still simplistic enough to be an escapist fantasy world. Really she does so much so well. I could go on.
At the same time though there's really virtually no psychological or sociological insights. Some basic ones of course. But nothing interesting and definitely nothing that 99% of people wouldn't agree with... I loved some of her books yet I can imagine some relatively vacant people also did.
The Fitz books really resonated with me. A main character with special powers in a world that has a decent bit of injustice in it. Not really a dystopia. Actually a medieval escapist setting. Which is pretty well done. Fitz suffers such extreme injustice. (As do the protagonists in all 15 books I've read by her.) Hobb really lays it on thicker than the average fantasy fiction IMO. At the same time you know that Fitz's powers are such that something good is eventually going to happen. Furthermore she teases concerning bringing back dragons, etc. She knows how to keep one turning the pages. The characters are decently detailed, yet still simplistic enough to be an escapist fantasy world. Really she does so much so well. I could go on.
At the same time though there's really virtually no psychological or sociological insights. Some basic ones of course. But nothing interesting and definitely nothing that 99% of people wouldn't agree with... I loved some of her books yet I can imagine some relatively vacant people also did.
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
I really don't care much for this Gaiman fellow. Too happy and complacent. He writes decently well, but just not my thing. Just a storyteller. No interesting insights at all beyond that. Doesn't seem to have the idea of dystopia in him so much. Find all the gushing about him slightly annoying. Makes me want to be more critical than I'd otherwise be. As I just don't think he remotely deserves such popularity. Suspect the popularity is a largely because it's light happy crap and that's what people seem to want.
Anyway his characters are empty, uninteresting. The world of this one is slightly whimsical I suppose. Plot? Eh.
This one was turned into a movie and I've really typed more than it deserves.
I really don't care much for this Gaiman fellow. Too happy and complacent. He writes decently well, but just not my thing. Just a storyteller. No interesting insights at all beyond that. Doesn't seem to have the idea of dystopia in him so much. Find all the gushing about him slightly annoying. Makes me want to be more critical than I'd otherwise be. As I just don't think he remotely deserves such popularity. Suspect the popularity is a largely because it's light happy crap and that's what people seem to want.
Anyway his characters are empty, uninteresting. The world of this one is slightly whimsical I suppose. Plot? Eh.
This one was turned into a movie and I've really typed more than it deserves.
The Sexual Politics of Meat by Carol Adams
Trying to tie veganism into feminism. Ultimately they both "exploit" someone. Women are treated like objects just like animals are. Yes, OK true. Pretty straightforward. This book gives some examples to drive this fact home. Shows how objectification is ingrained in our culture. Good idea for a book. But, I thought it maybe could have been done better...
Trying to tie veganism into feminism. Ultimately they both "exploit" someone. Women are treated like objects just like animals are. Yes, OK true. Pretty straightforward. This book gives some examples to drive this fact home. Shows how objectification is ingrained in our culture. Good idea for a book. But, I thought it maybe could have been done better...
Lenin by Robert Service
Really had some interesting stuff in it. Some things I recall years later that our capitalist society never mentions include:
-Lenin's older brother was killed by the Tzar when Lenin was still very young. Which probably gave Lenin some serious fuel to plot overthrowing the dictatorship.
-Lenin didn't really have a very high opinion of Stalin and didn't want him to get in charge.
-Lenin got shot in the neck in 1920 I think it was, which probably led to his death by 1922. This combined with already knowing how the capitalist nations all attacked after Russia overthrew it's dictatorship, I think excuses Lenin's anti-democratic actions in those few short years he had.
-the communist revolution in Russia in 1917 is not remotely in any way, shape or form a blueprint for change in modern times. Differences include:
1. The army was starving to death and open to the idea of communism. Today if they were starving they'd go for some rightwing military dictator, which even back then they almost did.
2. There was no sophisticated corporate news media which gave 99% of people all their (extreme procapitalist) political information. Back then socialism wasn't considered absurd.
3. They were overthrowing what was clearly a dictatorship (IOW a monarchy). Most people think we've got a democracy today.
4. This was before TV and cars, the two most isolation inventions in history. Back then people generally had to leave their houses and interact with one another for entertainment. Now we're so isolated, or divided, that there's absolutely no organization in place to accomplish anything against the state.
5. The state wasn't the well oiled cohesive machine back then that it is today. Back then most transportation was by horse. And in Russia at least they didn't even keep good records about their dissidents. It was a chaotic situation. A sophisticated corporate media hadn't brainwashed the populace against socialism. The army was starving. If you got together some people with guns, you had a chance.
So (a very few unbrainwashed) people today talk about the need for a vanguard, as if we need to follow the model used from way back then. Absurdity. Incredibly absurd. If there was any remote chance of a socialist revolution in the US (which is impossible thanks to the work of the corporate media) they would immediately use force and crush it.
It wouldn't take weeks for a message to travel to some remote location of unrest. They wouldn't have to send troops on horseback. In 30 minutes, very well fed army troops with machine guns, bullet proof vests, rightwing FOX news views, tanks, bombs, etc would there to permanently disappear you. Off for waterboarding or whatever.
Really had some interesting stuff in it. Some things I recall years later that our capitalist society never mentions include:
-Lenin's older brother was killed by the Tzar when Lenin was still very young. Which probably gave Lenin some serious fuel to plot overthrowing the dictatorship.
-Lenin didn't really have a very high opinion of Stalin and didn't want him to get in charge.
-Lenin got shot in the neck in 1920 I think it was, which probably led to his death by 1922. This combined with already knowing how the capitalist nations all attacked after Russia overthrew it's dictatorship, I think excuses Lenin's anti-democratic actions in those few short years he had.
-the communist revolution in Russia in 1917 is not remotely in any way, shape or form a blueprint for change in modern times. Differences include:
1. The army was starving to death and open to the idea of communism. Today if they were starving they'd go for some rightwing military dictator, which even back then they almost did.
2. There was no sophisticated corporate news media which gave 99% of people all their (extreme procapitalist) political information. Back then socialism wasn't considered absurd.
3. They were overthrowing what was clearly a dictatorship (IOW a monarchy). Most people think we've got a democracy today.
4. This was before TV and cars, the two most isolation inventions in history. Back then people generally had to leave their houses and interact with one another for entertainment. Now we're so isolated, or divided, that there's absolutely no organization in place to accomplish anything against the state.
5. The state wasn't the well oiled cohesive machine back then that it is today. Back then most transportation was by horse. And in Russia at least they didn't even keep good records about their dissidents. It was a chaotic situation. A sophisticated corporate media hadn't brainwashed the populace against socialism. The army was starving. If you got together some people with guns, you had a chance.
So (a very few unbrainwashed) people today talk about the need for a vanguard, as if we need to follow the model used from way back then. Absurdity. Incredibly absurd. If there was any remote chance of a socialist revolution in the US (which is impossible thanks to the work of the corporate media) they would immediately use force and crush it.
It wouldn't take weeks for a message to travel to some remote location of unrest. They wouldn't have to send troops on horseback. In 30 minutes, very well fed army troops with machine guns, bullet proof vests, rightwing FOX news views, tanks, bombs, etc would there to permanently disappear you. Off for waterboarding or whatever.
Maia by Richard Adams
He wrote Watership Downs which I vaguely recall was some great book. Been so long though, might have to glance at it again... This one is about a very high priced prostitute. Goes into great detail about how great a dancer and looker, etc she is. Seemed extremely different from Watership Downs. I didn't make it to the end of this 1000 page book though. If the hero was going to change this medieval dystopia there really wasn't any indication. And I didn't really like her anyway.
He wrote Watership Downs which I vaguely recall was some great book. Been so long though, might have to glance at it again... This one is about a very high priced prostitute. Goes into great detail about how great a dancer and looker, etc she is. Seemed extremely different from Watership Downs. I didn't make it to the end of this 1000 page book though. If the hero was going to change this medieval dystopia there really wasn't any indication. And I didn't really like her anyway.
L. E. Modesitt's 'Legacies': forgettable. The main character could perhaps be called stoic. There are virtually no insights into psychology or sociology. Very much a physical/action tale. But about a hero with special powers who's a good guy in a somewhat dystopian world. On that basis I read it and might eventually read more as I think it's a series. More likely I'll just forget about it. But I will at least remember it a little as I wrote about it here.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Not going to finish summarizing the last few months of my previous blog. Just repetitive now and an increasing wince factor. I don't think I'm going to do a summary of the summary. But hard to say as I'm going to spend a lot of time looking at it in the future. It's plenty good enough to get a move on though.
So, ready to really get started writing now. Nothing else to wait on. Starting outline tonight. Which is not something I'm going to go into in this blog.
Otherwise looking at some new books. R. Scott Bakker, considering his blog, looks potentially incredible. Ordered one of his tonight. Few others to come.
Elsewise starting to get hang of vibrato on cello. Such a difference it is. And, again, so glad I chose a fretless instrument. 5 or 6 months in and I can still see an improvement each week. Something I don't remotely recall being the case with piano.
So, ready to really get started writing now. Nothing else to wait on. Starting outline tonight. Which is not something I'm going to go into in this blog.
Otherwise looking at some new books. R. Scott Bakker, considering his blog, looks potentially incredible. Ordered one of his tonight. Few others to come.
Elsewise starting to get hang of vibrato on cello. Such a difference it is. And, again, so glad I chose a fretless instrument. 5 or 6 months in and I can still see an improvement each week. Something I don't remotely recall being the case with piano.
I heard a bit of song on NPR last night in between show segments that was note for note the same as one of my songs and unusual enough that I'm not so sure it was coincidence.... I don't remember which of mine it was. And have no idea who wrote (or stole) whatever song it was I heard on NPR. I was thinking if it was indeed stolen I would only be flattered. I didn't bother to rush home and at least figure out which song of mine it was though. And in fact have forgotten the tune entirely at the moment. I just don't really care. If someone liked one of my songs enough to steal it, great, enjoy. It would be sort of funny if someone literally made an entire music career spanning decades just off of stealing what I write and post onto internet oblivion.
...skimmed though the top 60 and couldn't find it... But here's one I completely forgot writing. They sound so much better when I completely forget I wrote them. Thank god for forgetting.
...skimmed though the top 60 and couldn't find it... But here's one I completely forgot writing. They sound so much better when I completely forget I wrote them. Thank god for forgetting.
Read the first two books of Gormenghast but not planning on reading the third because there just isn't enough of a sense of an injustice that needs to be righted and/or some vague highly positive thing that looms off in the distance. Possibly in other words it could be said that Titus isn't enough of a hero. There's nothing it's clear he's going to fix. Maybe that's what he's supposed to be, actually. But it hasn't been made sufficiently clear for me...
Perhaps it could be said that the book is too "adult" for me. The right and wrong is too ambigious. The good guys and bad guys aren't quite clear enough for me...
At first I thought Gormenghast's mindless absurd adherence to tradition was part of an extreme dystopia and that Steerpike was hopefully going to do something about it. Turns out he just wanted to get to the top of such a society. So he's a "bad" guy. Although yet his upbringing is such that one could sympathize with him. So he wasn't an entirely 2D bad guy, which is good. Yet then again, he was quite close to 2D.
So then is Titus going to do something about this mindless adherence to tradition/ritual?
He's certainly not a fan of it. Perhaps he might. Yet, as he gets older, it seems more and more that this ritual is their form of religion. At the same time that I can't hardly see anything particularly harmful really in their traditions/rituals. Well OK here and there, yes. But nothing particularly glaring. It's more like does Titus want to help support their form of religion or not? And there isn't quite such a clear right or wrong answer to this question. So, again, no clear injustice that needs to be righted. And no sense at all of some vague, mysterious, wonderful thing looming off in the distance, like bringing dragons back into the world or at the very least some great happiness for the protagonist.
And finally, Peake has killed off almost everyone else, and has Titus leaving this massive castle, somewhat mysterious (in a vague wonderful way) castle.
So despite Peake's verbal wonders, and for that matter occasional beautiful insights, I find myself not so interested in continuing.
Is a clear sense of right and wrong childish? Or is it that assimilating into the adult world means finding a way to convince yourself that a lot of things that clearly are wrong actually aren't? Most childrens initial reaction to eating meat, is that this is something that is wrong. They then learn to believe it's perfectly fine. This then occurs over and over again as they slowly learn to adapt to, to believe in, all the social norms of our post-industrial society. And generally to the extent they do so successfully, they will be happy in their life.
Perhaps it could be said that the book is too "adult" for me. The right and wrong is too ambigious. The good guys and bad guys aren't quite clear enough for me...
At first I thought Gormenghast's mindless absurd adherence to tradition was part of an extreme dystopia and that Steerpike was hopefully going to do something about it. Turns out he just wanted to get to the top of such a society. So he's a "bad" guy. Although yet his upbringing is such that one could sympathize with him. So he wasn't an entirely 2D bad guy, which is good. Yet then again, he was quite close to 2D.
So then is Titus going to do something about this mindless adherence to tradition/ritual?
He's certainly not a fan of it. Perhaps he might. Yet, as he gets older, it seems more and more that this ritual is their form of religion. At the same time that I can't hardly see anything particularly harmful really in their traditions/rituals. Well OK here and there, yes. But nothing particularly glaring. It's more like does Titus want to help support their form of religion or not? And there isn't quite such a clear right or wrong answer to this question. So, again, no clear injustice that needs to be righted. And no sense at all of some vague, mysterious, wonderful thing looming off in the distance, like bringing dragons back into the world or at the very least some great happiness for the protagonist.
And finally, Peake has killed off almost everyone else, and has Titus leaving this massive castle, somewhat mysterious (in a vague wonderful way) castle.
So despite Peake's verbal wonders, and for that matter occasional beautiful insights, I find myself not so interested in continuing.
Is a clear sense of right and wrong childish? Or is it that assimilating into the adult world means finding a way to convince yourself that a lot of things that clearly are wrong actually aren't? Most childrens initial reaction to eating meat, is that this is something that is wrong. They then learn to believe it's perfectly fine. This then occurs over and over again as they slowly learn to adapt to, to believe in, all the social norms of our post-industrial society. And generally to the extent they do so successfully, they will be happy in their life.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My I'm in such a good mood today.
Best not to think. I might ruin it.
...(sigh) Now it occurs to me I missed a training class that was right after the 8 hour training class I had. This gives me anxiety about the possibility that some punishment awaits me. Some rightwing force stuff to keep us workers on the straight and narrow. Now I lay here with a tinge of anxiety that ruins the happiness I was feeling.
So then:
When fearful, when anxious, find someone else to be concerned about. Someone else to worry about instead of yourself. Someone else to focus your concern upon other than yourself. That's what I was doing previously today. How unfortunate to be pulled down into selfish concerns.
I suppose that's an original thought. That a society based on negative reinforcement stops people from being empathetic, compassionate and pulls them down into being selfish, simply for self preservation.
But instead must redirect.
And when thinking negatively of someone, of their unethical actions, redirect to the social norms of this society. It's the system, not the people.
Redirect.
...what works even better in this case is to pretend I hadn't remembered about the class I missed. Or forget that I remembered.
Best not to think. I might ruin it.
...(sigh) Now it occurs to me I missed a training class that was right after the 8 hour training class I had. This gives me anxiety about the possibility that some punishment awaits me. Some rightwing force stuff to keep us workers on the straight and narrow. Now I lay here with a tinge of anxiety that ruins the happiness I was feeling.
So then:
When fearful, when anxious, find someone else to be concerned about. Someone else to worry about instead of yourself. Someone else to focus your concern upon other than yourself. That's what I was doing previously today. How unfortunate to be pulled down into selfish concerns.
I suppose that's an original thought. That a society based on negative reinforcement stops people from being empathetic, compassionate and pulls them down into being selfish, simply for self preservation.
But instead must redirect.
And when thinking negatively of someone, of their unethical actions, redirect to the social norms of this society. It's the system, not the people.
Redirect.
...what works even better in this case is to pretend I hadn't remembered about the class I missed. Or forget that I remembered.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Writing these blog posts at 5AM though instead of working on music because... I don't know. Getting run down on music a bit. Recognizing the repetitive nature of it which I have been trying to ignore. Still driven by curiousity. Which at this moment means I want to hear what the virtual synth basic-64 will sound like with multiple reverbs on it. It's a hard synth to write songs with. Not very inspirational but it seems the final product ends up somehow having a better sound. Also just discovered adding multiple reverbs gives a much more "real" sound. Either that or I'm losing sight of the difference between real and fake as a result of having spent so much time with the fake. Don't think so though.
Will have to power on through and write this music with the basic-64 despite the resulting music seeming to have such an old repetitive structure.
...one issue is that it's not a live improvisation because the reverb I'm using can't be used in real time. More I'm generally prefering live improvisations. Further I can't even put it on each track separately beyond a few tracks as it uses too much CPU for this computer. So technical aspects combined with my own composing limitations as usual, slowing me down.
Will have to power on through and write this music with the basic-64 despite the resulting music seeming to have such an old repetitive structure.
...one issue is that it's not a live improvisation because the reverb I'm using can't be used in real time. More I'm generally prefering live improvisations. Further I can't even put it on each track separately beyond a few tracks as it uses too much CPU for this computer. So technical aspects combined with my own composing limitations as usual, slowing me down.
Last night for dinner I had broccoli with hummus and a smoothie consisting of 50% frozen blueberries and 25% frozen strawberries and 25% frozen peaches mixed with rice milk and pureed in a 400 dollar vitamix (which seems to be essential to achieving the proper consistency.) I laid in bed and read a bit of Gormenghast and then despite having worked a night shift the night before and having slept (very well) till 4pm. I wonderfully, blissfully, momentously fell asleep a bit at arond 10pm, even with the light on as my wife read beside me. Then slept well till 4AM, which is plenty of sleep considering I had slept all day.
I had dreams even, but seem to have forgotten them...
How wonderful, how magical to sleep like that. Hopefully I'll never take it for granted. Love working one single night shift a week by the way, as it's less likely I'll take for granted that I'm not permanent night shift anymore.
All around wonderful. Feel so much better when I eat well. Sweeth tooth slowly disappearing as I immediately just don't feel as good. It seems I occasionally get a craving. Eat a bit of something bad, and immediately don't feel quite as good (still OK) and then instead take the bad food to work and give it away. (Brownies, cookies, cakes, etc.)
Knee also feeling better with going back down to 6.0 and now 6.1mph for the running.
I had dreams even, but seem to have forgotten them...
How wonderful, how magical to sleep like that. Hopefully I'll never take it for granted. Love working one single night shift a week by the way, as it's less likely I'll take for granted that I'm not permanent night shift anymore.
All around wonderful. Feel so much better when I eat well. Sweeth tooth slowly disappearing as I immediately just don't feel as good. It seems I occasionally get a craving. Eat a bit of something bad, and immediately don't feel quite as good (still OK) and then instead take the bad food to work and give it away. (Brownies, cookies, cakes, etc.)
Knee also feeling better with going back down to 6.0 and now 6.1mph for the running.
Fiction writing is generally strongest either in plot, characters or setting. In general fiction it's most likely plot. In fantasy (which includes sci-fi) it's generally setting. And in "literature" it's usually characters.
These Gormenghast novels are really strongest in characters despite the massive castle and as such for being categorized as fantasy it's pretty unusual, ultimately though it's just miscategorized I think. Not that I like to go on about categories. But the insight about fantasy-setting, general fiction-plot, literature-characters is worth noting.
These Gormenghast novels are really strongest in characters despite the massive castle and as such for being categorized as fantasy it's pretty unusual, ultimately though it's just miscategorized I think. Not that I like to go on about categories. But the insight about fantasy-setting, general fiction-plot, literature-characters is worth noting.
Mark Twain says he considered titling his autobiography 'The Autobiography of a Coward' or 'Confessions of a Life that was a Failure'. This in order to try to be honest as opposed to most autobiographies and blogs for that matter which instead make the person out to be basically perfect. Of course if a person says negative things about themselves, there is the question as to whether or not they even realize they're saying negative things. Although whether or not they do, it still makes for actually interesting writing, which is something you virtually never find in the blogosphere.
For that matter there is conversely the chance that some people are really the angels they make themselves out to be. Like me for example.
For that matter there is conversely the chance that some people are really the angels they make themselves out to be. Like me for example.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
not going back and ever rereading a diary/journal seems to mostly make it a waste of time. And I knew I wouldn't do so because primarily I wouldn't be able to stand how stupid I had previously been. This is like in Kundera's The Joke he finds an old diary he wrote as a teenager and he's so horrified and disgusted by what he wrote, that he rips the diary to shreds.
Wrote that almost two years ago. Now it's no longer true as I have indeed went back and read almost two years worth of a diary/blog/whatever. At times it was painful but it was/is an extremely important exercise, if nothing else, from the perspective of wanting to be a writer. I go back now and perhaps more clearly see when I wrote well and when I really didn't! But this is largely a matter of forgetting. The goal back then wasn't remotely to write well. I was often writing badly as I just thought things out. I knew and didn't care. The important thing was figuring out some thoughts. Anyway I haven't forgotten what I was about so much that I want to rip my diary to shreds. But if I had waited a decade instead of a couple years perhaps I would have wanted to.
...
Gormenghast certainly has it's moment. I don't like quite how much detail is put forth into scenery describing in the manner which he employs. I prefer Jack Vance's method. But Peake's characters. Their detail in personality, mannerisms and even physical appearance completely destroys certainly anything by Vance (Vance characters though horribly unvaried and usually nondescript) and anyone else for that matter. They are caricatures to an extent yet still with a level of insight that perhaps outdoes George Eliot.
In other news, thank god I only work one night shift a week. Night shift is awful. Bad sleep one day a week is standable but day after day slowly destroys one's body. Furthermore trying to stay up late on my days off is so depressing. Having to still do it once a week is nice just in having a continual reminder in how much better I generally have things now.
Was thinking in so many ways I do have it really well these days. My work is so different from day to day. And seeing so many different people at work is such a good thing. And the actual work is generally so positive of course. And J and I's combined income is very good. This house is wonderful. It really makes a difference having money. In many ways life is very good for me and after what I've been through both by bad luck and my own moral choosing, I deserve to now go ahead and enjoy life a bit, somewhat.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
As things turned red, as things are red, I forget why am I sloshing through these pools of blood?
I had imagined something close to telepathy. Not actually but a speaking to a person as if we were literally in each other's heads and had no secrets. True understanding, no need to hide things. An understanding that hiding was absurd. But then to convey what to each other?
Nothing so special I suppose. The commonplace of life and reflections upon it. Simple plain actually meaningful friendships basically.
So that was lost then.
Instead a world where such doesn't exist, where it's inappropriate for me to call up anyone other than my parents or wife "just to talk".
But as I get older I care less and less. I adapt. Slowly, finally. Today the sun shines in brilliantly. Yes, the norfolk pine will get plenty of sun sitting right there. Dropped my fast running day down to 6.1mph and my knees feel fine. Now shall have a bit of hot chocolate and read some Gormenhgast. Summarize hellblog a bit later. Almost finished with part 1 of the summary now. Feel very good. I barely remember the concept of loneliness.
I had imagined something close to telepathy. Not actually but a speaking to a person as if we were literally in each other's heads and had no secrets. True understanding, no need to hide things. An understanding that hiding was absurd. But then to convey what to each other?
Nothing so special I suppose. The commonplace of life and reflections upon it. Simple plain actually meaningful friendships basically.
So that was lost then.
Instead a world where such doesn't exist, where it's inappropriate for me to call up anyone other than my parents or wife "just to talk".
But as I get older I care less and less. I adapt. Slowly, finally. Today the sun shines in brilliantly. Yes, the norfolk pine will get plenty of sun sitting right there. Dropped my fast running day down to 6.1mph and my knees feel fine. Now shall have a bit of hot chocolate and read some Gormenhgast. Summarize hellblog a bit later. Almost finished with part 1 of the summary now. Feel very good. I barely remember the concept of loneliness.
Monday, November 1, 2010
-fast asleep
-it is seven years since
-the procession far below him wind back from
-a blotch of shadow augured the approach
-as soon as entered he closed the door
-without slackening his pace
-the floor of the room sloped curiously
-on his way down a decline in the floor which sank to
-the darkness that lay beyond took him... muffling the edges of his sharp body
-for the furtherance of his own designs
-thronged
-he had, in a moment of devilment, turned his
-something impressive in his childish frame, as though there was a kind of weight there, or strength
-it is seven years since
-the procession far below him wind back from
-a blotch of shadow augured the approach
-as soon as entered he closed the door
-without slackening his pace
-the floor of the room sloped curiously
-on his way down a decline in the floor which sank to
-the darkness that lay beyond took him... muffling the edges of his sharp body
-for the furtherance of his own designs
-thronged
-he had, in a moment of devilment, turned his
-something impressive in his childish frame, as though there was a kind of weight there, or strength
grace
sent its rays
bustling
heartless
gloom
meander
profound
foreboding
stark contrast
havens
haunting
incessant
ascension to power
invites the pretense of justice
treachery
sweeping view
emblazoned
insignia
strode
a sense of wonder
learned their trade
a wicked smile spread across his lips
crept along the side
slipped in the alley
sped off
they took care not to
paid them no heed
strewn with stones
...permeated the air
smile spread wide
when the whispers ripple out
they streamed out
weapons waving menacingly
rummaging
pulling his stare from the spectacle
involuntary shudder
botched
the word prompted a jumble of emotions
"What place is this that is my world; what dark coil has my spirit embodied?"
"Look at his eyes," Vierna whispered to Maya as they examined the newest member of house Do'Urden.....
..."What do you see that the rest of us cannot?"
"How long will I survive?"
"How long until this madness that is my existence consumes me?"
sent its rays
bustling
heartless
gloom
meander
profound
foreboding
stark contrast
havens
haunting
incessant
ascension to power
invites the pretense of justice
treachery
sweeping view
emblazoned
insignia
strode
a sense of wonder
learned their trade
a wicked smile spread across his lips
crept along the side
slipped in the alley
sped off
they took care not to
paid them no heed
strewn with stones
...permeated the air
smile spread wide
when the whispers ripple out
they streamed out
weapons waving menacingly
rummaging
pulling his stare from the spectacle
involuntary shudder
botched
the word prompted a jumble of emotions
"What place is this that is my world; what dark coil has my spirit embodied?"
"Look at his eyes," Vierna whispered to Maya as they examined the newest member of house Do'Urden.....
..."What do you see that the rest of us cannot?"
"How long will I survive?"
"How long until this madness that is my existence consumes me?"
Had a dream that started out in the car with my Mom and two vague people in the back. Mom decided to take a short cut through someone's lawn in response to which I voiced my extreme disapproval. The short cut meant running over flowers and over a very small fence. Unfortunately the lawn's owner was there waiting and Mom had to then take an additional detour which ended up with her stuck and caught while the lawn owner called the police. Mom said I could just leave, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to take part in the punishment.
Dreams are art. The "lie" which gets us closer to the truth. Seemingly random stuff which symbolizes/analogizes our own lives. The first half of this dream could symbolize my mother's second marriage, which perhaps was a mistake, one which I got taken along for the ride, where just getting away maybe would have been for the better.
So I got out and walked away and decided to visit S. But I couldn't remember quite where she lived. Which was strange. It seemed as if the house was hidden. As if the evil god kept trying to make me forget in order to thwart my destiny. I finally managed to find the house anyway.
A beautiful, unusual house. She was living with her parents. I came in and met her dad. He looked just like Michael Parenti in the dream. I debated with myself if I should mention this. Normally I don't mention to people that they look like someone else. This time though, in want of small talk I did. He had never heard of him. Although he made a bet beforehand that whoever it was, he'd know them, then he attempted to pretend like he did, I think as a joke.
He had a puppy with him that had a strange furry tentacle-like growth coming out of the top of his back. They were planning on having it removed. I noticed the dog could actually use it though, could wrap it around things like a monkey tail and I suggested they let the dog keep it's tentacle.
During all this I debated going downstairs to see S. Problem was that I was married in the dream and on what pretext exactly was I here visiting her anyway?
...heard on some disgusting radio station the following: "Man rule number 13: Never call up another man, just to talk." Meant to be funny although the humor doesn't translate to words, the gruff "manly" voice is lost, and the comedic timing.
That is the social norms of our society. To call up another man just to talk would be gay and thus breaks the social norms. And to call up a woman just to talk means you want in her pants. In our society there is no reason at all that a man would ever call up anyone "just to talk" except that he wants to have sex with whomever he's called.
So to be there at S's house without a pretext will make it quite clear to her that I've got something inappropriate going on in my head. And I've spent my life not lying about anything, thus I'm pretty much incapable of dishonesty.
She finally comes upstairs before I go down, it's like a ladder that is used to come up and down from this lower room and she makes a quip about how I must have not wanted to use the ladder. She's pregnant and glowing. Really looks beautiful. And my heart gives such a hurtful jealous pang. She must be with someone now!
Dream basically ends here. In real life I don't have anything really to do with S now because I'm basically a hermit. A hermit because I'd rather stare at a wall than take part in the crap social norms of this society. I'd rather stare at a wall than lie to myself. I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with anyone but my wife and other relatives. And I don't want to waste any time outside of work with people who really will only ever be aquaintances. People I forever have to censor most I who I really am with. People whom soon enough will move away and never be seen again.
To have healthy meaningful relationships with other people is not allowed in this society and I'm not interested in the twisted pitiful stuff that is. Rather spend the next 40 years at home. Which isn't so bad really. As long as I don't spend it watching TV.
...well the aquaintances aren't useless. To have no social interaction at all is really not good. Luckily my work gives me a ton of interaction.
Dreams are art. The "lie" which gets us closer to the truth. Seemingly random stuff which symbolizes/analogizes our own lives. The first half of this dream could symbolize my mother's second marriage, which perhaps was a mistake, one which I got taken along for the ride, where just getting away maybe would have been for the better.
So I got out and walked away and decided to visit S. But I couldn't remember quite where she lived. Which was strange. It seemed as if the house was hidden. As if the evil god kept trying to make me forget in order to thwart my destiny. I finally managed to find the house anyway.
A beautiful, unusual house. She was living with her parents. I came in and met her dad. He looked just like Michael Parenti in the dream. I debated with myself if I should mention this. Normally I don't mention to people that they look like someone else. This time though, in want of small talk I did. He had never heard of him. Although he made a bet beforehand that whoever it was, he'd know them, then he attempted to pretend like he did, I think as a joke.
He had a puppy with him that had a strange furry tentacle-like growth coming out of the top of his back. They were planning on having it removed. I noticed the dog could actually use it though, could wrap it around things like a monkey tail and I suggested they let the dog keep it's tentacle.
During all this I debated going downstairs to see S. Problem was that I was married in the dream and on what pretext exactly was I here visiting her anyway?
...heard on some disgusting radio station the following: "Man rule number 13: Never call up another man, just to talk." Meant to be funny although the humor doesn't translate to words, the gruff "manly" voice is lost, and the comedic timing.
That is the social norms of our society. To call up another man just to talk would be gay and thus breaks the social norms. And to call up a woman just to talk means you want in her pants. In our society there is no reason at all that a man would ever call up anyone "just to talk" except that he wants to have sex with whomever he's called.
So to be there at S's house without a pretext will make it quite clear to her that I've got something inappropriate going on in my head. And I've spent my life not lying about anything, thus I'm pretty much incapable of dishonesty.
She finally comes upstairs before I go down, it's like a ladder that is used to come up and down from this lower room and she makes a quip about how I must have not wanted to use the ladder. She's pregnant and glowing. Really looks beautiful. And my heart gives such a hurtful jealous pang. She must be with someone now!
Dream basically ends here. In real life I don't have anything really to do with S now because I'm basically a hermit. A hermit because I'd rather stare at a wall than take part in the crap social norms of this society. I'd rather stare at a wall than lie to myself. I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with anyone but my wife and other relatives. And I don't want to waste any time outside of work with people who really will only ever be aquaintances. People I forever have to censor most I who I really am with. People whom soon enough will move away and never be seen again.
To have healthy meaningful relationships with other people is not allowed in this society and I'm not interested in the twisted pitiful stuff that is. Rather spend the next 40 years at home. Which isn't so bad really. As long as I don't spend it watching TV.
...well the aquaintances aren't useless. To have no social interaction at all is really not good. Luckily my work gives me a ton of interaction.
Friday, October 29, 2010
If someone is very hungry should they eat paint chips?
No, they shouldn't. They're not nourishing at all. Possibly even the opposite. Also time eating them is time they could be spending finding actual food.
If someone is lonely should they go to the internet hoping for interactions?
No, they shouldn't. It's not actually nourishing at all. And actually the interactions are usually toxic. Also it's time one could instead spend finding real live people to actually interact with.
No, they shouldn't. They're not nourishing at all. Possibly even the opposite. Also time eating them is time they could be spending finding actual food.
If someone is lonely should they go to the internet hoping for interactions?
No, they shouldn't. It's not actually nourishing at all. And actually the interactions are usually toxic. Also it's time one could instead spend finding real live people to actually interact with.
Thought of how certain things are absolutely perfect right now. Almost recorded how so, so that I don't forget. Because surely they won't always be so and then it will be good to remember. I didn't 'blog' it though because it took too much away from the enjoyment of it.
Rereading/summarizing April 2009 took a long time. I think that's enough. Shall just spend the rest of the day reading. Maybe (gasp!) even playing a video game.
This from March 2009 of the hellblog was so good I'm going to repost it:
The real choice is between obediance and expulsion. For this reason, there is a powerful tendency for people to want to believe that their thoughts and behavior at work are voluntary-the alternative, of perceiving the actual conflict, is simply too painful. Indeed, this struggle with conformity will be painful to the extent to which they are aware of their own conflicting inner needs, thoughts and desires. A person will suffer more intensely the more he or she is strong and independent. Given the apparent hopelessness of resistance, there is a powerful and continuous incentive for individuals to become less aware of their own feelings, beliefs and needs. Indeed, the only rational solution for an individual may often be to become dead inside, to become alienated from his or her feelings and desires. And it is exactly this internal deadness which has been declared the great sickness of modern man... pg 36 (David Edwards, Free to be Human)
'They (the public) ought to be sitting alone in front of the TV and having drilled into their heads the message, which says the only value in life is to have more commodities or live like that rich, middle class family you're watching and to have nice values like harmony and Americanism. That's all there is in life. You may think in your own head that there's got to be something more in life than this, but since you're watching the tube alone you assume, I must be crazy, because that's all that's going on over there. And since there is no organisation permitted-that's absolutely crucial-you never have a way of finding out whether you are crazy, and you just assume it, because it's the natural thing to assume.' (Chomsky, Spectacular Achievements of Media Propaganda)
-
In the light of the evidence of reality-distortion provided by the propaganda model, it seems reasonable to suggest that the vast majority of modern neuroses are not at all rooted in repression of childhood trauma or sexual drives, but in a violent individual/social conflict between the desire of human beings to live and think in reasonably sane and rational ways and the requirement of our society that we live and think in ways which are absurd. Given the extent to which reality is filtered to fit the corporate need, it seems hardly imaginable that anyone today could have the independence of mind to form a balanced, realistic, sane view of the world-on which human happiness and sanity surely depend. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
-
Hillman goes on to argue that our obsession with childhood, feelings and relationships in the absense of concern for the world around us leads us to place an impossible burden of expectation on our relationships, which consequently disintegrate under that weight. The most notable non-material obsession of our society is, after all, the dream of romantic love as an answer to all our troubles. When we listen to the endless stream of love songs, we hear continuous references to 'eternity','truth','dreaming','searching','the promised land' and so on, and this is surely the sound of the search for truth banished to the only permissible realm-the personal.
Unfortunately no romance can ever provide an adequate answer to a life lived in a society of dramatically limited freedom. 'All you need is love!', in fact, is an economically 'correct' fiction which, like green consumerism, corporate responsibility and the Western 'yearning for freedom and human rights', serves to divert genuine concern, genuine searching, into a harmless cul-de-sac while appearing to be a genuine message of hope for humanity.
Psychotherapy has been transformed into a similar mechanism for diversion, as Hillman seems to argue: "Psychology, working with yourself, could that be part of the disease, not part of the cure?"
Certainly, and we might suggest that the reason that psychotherapy has persisted with its irrational approach, rather than seeking rational norms for sanity, is because that search is in profound conflict with the propaganda system, which requires an essentially insane set of presupposed (but not explicitly stated-becase absurd) norms for the successful functioning of corporate consumerism. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
-
'Here I could not agree with Freud. He considered the cause of the repression to be a sexual trauma. From my practice, however, I was familiar with numerous cases of neurosis in which the question of sexuality played a subordinate part, other factors standing in the foreground-for example, the problem of social adaptation, of oppression by tragic circumstances of life, prestige considerations and so on.' (Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections pg 170)
-
'Both the 'economic' man and the 'sexual' man are convenient fabrications whose alleged nature-isolated, asocial, greedy and competitive-makes Capitalism appear as the system which corresponds perfectly to human nature, and places it beyond the reach of criticism. (Erich Fromm, The Sane Society pg 77)
-
Like Chomsky, Fromm has the tragi-comic distinction of being sufficiently accurate in his analysis to know that he would be declared absurd and irrelevant. Thus, he too, has been consigned to the Lutheran 'zoo' along with Copernicus, Chomsky, and all the other 'asses who dare to speak out against the limits of 'respectable' discourse. We spend our time well when we consider that this fate befell Fromm-an outstandingly clear and rational thinker-within the 'science' devoted to explosing lies! (Edward, Free to be Human)
-
...We have all, no doubt, been criticized for discussing something that is 'too deep', whether we are discussing matters psychological, philosophical, religious, environmental-anything that attempts to go to the root of problems. We all sense where the limit is. We know when we are steping over the line and when we can expect a sarcastic aside, or groan, from someone around us. We may even make a self deprecatory joke to pre-empt the diapproval. Similarly, when listening to other people, we immediately sense when the conversation has stepped over the mark and will elicit disapproval, when it has become too 'serious' or 'deep'. We might ask who, or what, is setting the tolerable limits of 'depth'?
The answer is that they are set by the same framing conditions on which our system depends; the same system which maintains the near-uniform frivolity on our magazine shelves and in our television schedules; the same system that depends on our commitment to light-hearted, frivolous consumption. The simply fact is that our culture needs to be infused with a 'buying environment', it needs to be swamped in 'muzak' encouraging us to have fun-and fun requires that we do not consider anything too seriously. For were we to do so, the version of common-sense reality to which we are continually encouraged to adhere (that fun, status and consumption are everything) would be revealed for the childish absurdity that it is. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
Rereading/summarizing April 2009 took a long time. I think that's enough. Shall just spend the rest of the day reading. Maybe (gasp!) even playing a video game.
This from March 2009 of the hellblog was so good I'm going to repost it:
The real choice is between obediance and expulsion. For this reason, there is a powerful tendency for people to want to believe that their thoughts and behavior at work are voluntary-the alternative, of perceiving the actual conflict, is simply too painful. Indeed, this struggle with conformity will be painful to the extent to which they are aware of their own conflicting inner needs, thoughts and desires. A person will suffer more intensely the more he or she is strong and independent. Given the apparent hopelessness of resistance, there is a powerful and continuous incentive for individuals to become less aware of their own feelings, beliefs and needs. Indeed, the only rational solution for an individual may often be to become dead inside, to become alienated from his or her feelings and desires. And it is exactly this internal deadness which has been declared the great sickness of modern man... pg 36 (David Edwards, Free to be Human)
'They (the public) ought to be sitting alone in front of the TV and having drilled into their heads the message, which says the only value in life is to have more commodities or live like that rich, middle class family you're watching and to have nice values like harmony and Americanism. That's all there is in life. You may think in your own head that there's got to be something more in life than this, but since you're watching the tube alone you assume, I must be crazy, because that's all that's going on over there. And since there is no organisation permitted-that's absolutely crucial-you never have a way of finding out whether you are crazy, and you just assume it, because it's the natural thing to assume.' (Chomsky, Spectacular Achievements of Media Propaganda)
-
In the light of the evidence of reality-distortion provided by the propaganda model, it seems reasonable to suggest that the vast majority of modern neuroses are not at all rooted in repression of childhood trauma or sexual drives, but in a violent individual/social conflict between the desire of human beings to live and think in reasonably sane and rational ways and the requirement of our society that we live and think in ways which are absurd. Given the extent to which reality is filtered to fit the corporate need, it seems hardly imaginable that anyone today could have the independence of mind to form a balanced, realistic, sane view of the world-on which human happiness and sanity surely depend. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
-
Hillman goes on to argue that our obsession with childhood, feelings and relationships in the absense of concern for the world around us leads us to place an impossible burden of expectation on our relationships, which consequently disintegrate under that weight. The most notable non-material obsession of our society is, after all, the dream of romantic love as an answer to all our troubles. When we listen to the endless stream of love songs, we hear continuous references to 'eternity','truth','dreaming','searching','the promised land' and so on, and this is surely the sound of the search for truth banished to the only permissible realm-the personal.
Unfortunately no romance can ever provide an adequate answer to a life lived in a society of dramatically limited freedom. 'All you need is love!', in fact, is an economically 'correct' fiction which, like green consumerism, corporate responsibility and the Western 'yearning for freedom and human rights', serves to divert genuine concern, genuine searching, into a harmless cul-de-sac while appearing to be a genuine message of hope for humanity.
Psychotherapy has been transformed into a similar mechanism for diversion, as Hillman seems to argue: "Psychology, working with yourself, could that be part of the disease, not part of the cure?"
Certainly, and we might suggest that the reason that psychotherapy has persisted with its irrational approach, rather than seeking rational norms for sanity, is because that search is in profound conflict with the propaganda system, which requires an essentially insane set of presupposed (but not explicitly stated-becase absurd) norms for the successful functioning of corporate consumerism. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
-
'Here I could not agree with Freud. He considered the cause of the repression to be a sexual trauma. From my practice, however, I was familiar with numerous cases of neurosis in which the question of sexuality played a subordinate part, other factors standing in the foreground-for example, the problem of social adaptation, of oppression by tragic circumstances of life, prestige considerations and so on.' (Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections pg 170)
-
'Both the 'economic' man and the 'sexual' man are convenient fabrications whose alleged nature-isolated, asocial, greedy and competitive-makes Capitalism appear as the system which corresponds perfectly to human nature, and places it beyond the reach of criticism. (Erich Fromm, The Sane Society pg 77)
-
Like Chomsky, Fromm has the tragi-comic distinction of being sufficiently accurate in his analysis to know that he would be declared absurd and irrelevant. Thus, he too, has been consigned to the Lutheran 'zoo' along with Copernicus, Chomsky, and all the other 'asses who dare to speak out against the limits of 'respectable' discourse. We spend our time well when we consider that this fate befell Fromm-an outstandingly clear and rational thinker-within the 'science' devoted to explosing lies! (Edward, Free to be Human)
-
...We have all, no doubt, been criticized for discussing something that is 'too deep', whether we are discussing matters psychological, philosophical, religious, environmental-anything that attempts to go to the root of problems. We all sense where the limit is. We know when we are steping over the line and when we can expect a sarcastic aside, or groan, from someone around us. We may even make a self deprecatory joke to pre-empt the diapproval. Similarly, when listening to other people, we immediately sense when the conversation has stepped over the mark and will elicit disapproval, when it has become too 'serious' or 'deep'. We might ask who, or what, is setting the tolerable limits of 'depth'?
The answer is that they are set by the same framing conditions on which our system depends; the same system which maintains the near-uniform frivolity on our magazine shelves and in our television schedules; the same system that depends on our commitment to light-hearted, frivolous consumption. The simply fact is that our culture needs to be infused with a 'buying environment', it needs to be swamped in 'muzak' encouraging us to have fun-and fun requires that we do not consider anything too seriously. For were we to do so, the version of common-sense reality to which we are continually encouraged to adhere (that fun, status and consumption are everything) would be revealed for the childish absurdity that it is. (Edwards, Free to be Human)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday (ten days ago) I started developing a slight headache that in retrospect was caused by a carpet cleaner my wife used. Thursday I took a nap on a couch right by where she had used it and that evening had a very bad headache. First I took two tylenol and 90 minutes later, considering I was getting nauseous and had a research thing that it would have been very bad to not got to the next day, I took a lortab.
That Friday I ran 1.5 miles at a 6.5mph pace on the treadmill at a 2% incline. Felt very easy. Easily could have gone further but I had previously only ran 1 mile at that pace and I know if I don't keep things gradual I'll have a harder time recuperating. Still I had handled 6.5mph so easily I decided to next go ahead and move up to 6.8mph.
I think it was Sunday that my right knee started hurting. Sunday night though I still went running. I ran 5.1mph for 3 minutes then 6.8 for 2 minutes then repeated the same once more. The very first minutes my knee hurt a bit but then I felt fine. But walking around and up stairs it was hurting a bit.
Still hurt Monday a bit. Ran anyway. Ran 5.1mph for 16 minutes. A shorter run than otherwise because concerned about the knee.
Tuesday ran 5.1mph for 2 minutes then 6.8mph for 3 minutes then repeated once. My knee was still bothering me although again, not while running on the treadmill. Still I maybe should not have been running. But I did so because I was of the opinion that the knee was hurting because of the lortab I took. Not because of the running/running faster.
Worked a night shift Tuesday night plus had to take parents for doctor's appointments Wednesay. Ended up without sleep for 30 hours. Then slept 6 hours, up for a couple and then slept another 10. And this Thursday, indeed my knee feels fine. Today ran 5.1mph for 2 minutes then 6.8 for 3 minutes then repeated twice more and knee feels perfectly fine.
I do think it was the lortab. I think I had noticed this happening once before quite a while back. The faster running though may also have contributed. Anyway feel great now. In the future unfortunately I might just lay in agony instead of taking pain medicine as I really don't want to lose the ability to run.
Perhaps whiskey next time.
Anyway really enjoying the running and improving faster than I expected. I think the thing is in the past I usually would try to run too fast. Now I'm of the opinion I should never be gasping for breath. 2 or 3 runs a week the breathing can be a bit elevated but no more than that.
-
Shall experiment with the 12 tone technique. It's always curiousity with the music. Always an essential element that just isn't present with trying to write fiction unfortunately. Still have a year left of my hellblog that needs summarizing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve-tone_technique
That Friday I ran 1.5 miles at a 6.5mph pace on the treadmill at a 2% incline. Felt very easy. Easily could have gone further but I had previously only ran 1 mile at that pace and I know if I don't keep things gradual I'll have a harder time recuperating. Still I had handled 6.5mph so easily I decided to next go ahead and move up to 6.8mph.
I think it was Sunday that my right knee started hurting. Sunday night though I still went running. I ran 5.1mph for 3 minutes then 6.8 for 2 minutes then repeated the same once more. The very first minutes my knee hurt a bit but then I felt fine. But walking around and up stairs it was hurting a bit.
Still hurt Monday a bit. Ran anyway. Ran 5.1mph for 16 minutes. A shorter run than otherwise because concerned about the knee.
Tuesday ran 5.1mph for 2 minutes then 6.8mph for 3 minutes then repeated once. My knee was still bothering me although again, not while running on the treadmill. Still I maybe should not have been running. But I did so because I was of the opinion that the knee was hurting because of the lortab I took. Not because of the running/running faster.
Worked a night shift Tuesday night plus had to take parents for doctor's appointments Wednesay. Ended up without sleep for 30 hours. Then slept 6 hours, up for a couple and then slept another 10. And this Thursday, indeed my knee feels fine. Today ran 5.1mph for 2 minutes then 6.8 for 3 minutes then repeated twice more and knee feels perfectly fine.
I do think it was the lortab. I think I had noticed this happening once before quite a while back. The faster running though may also have contributed. Anyway feel great now. In the future unfortunately I might just lay in agony instead of taking pain medicine as I really don't want to lose the ability to run.
Perhaps whiskey next time.
Anyway really enjoying the running and improving faster than I expected. I think the thing is in the past I usually would try to run too fast. Now I'm of the opinion I should never be gasping for breath. 2 or 3 runs a week the breathing can be a bit elevated but no more than that.
-
Shall experiment with the 12 tone technique. It's always curiousity with the music. Always an essential element that just isn't present with trying to write fiction unfortunately. Still have a year left of my hellblog that needs summarizing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve-tone_technique
Monday, October 25, 2010
I had started reading the Gormenghast Novels two years ago but 100 pages in threw up on the book thus threw it away. Finally bought it again and enjoying it. In particular the poetry, which points to a change in me as I've never enjoyed poetry. Wanted to and figured not enjoying it pointed to some lack within me. I really don't know quite why I am now. Possibly tied into placing something mystical and/or panglossianist into the very english language, but just not sure. Am sure that in the past I dismissed poetry in large part because I felt the collection of noises and so on which symbolized given concepts was highly random and thus attempting to stream them together in a pretty manner was highly meaningless.
As to Gormenghast I'm curious to see to what extent it might follow the monomyth. Hope it does. Hope Steerpike is a hero. Scarlett Thomas' book says Campbell's monomyth is a load of bunk, really just the story of imperialism. I don't think I agree but it's an interesting thought.
In other news had a headache for 5 days triggered I think by carpet cleaner. Last thursday it got so bad I broke down and took a lortab. Felt great then. Laid in bed and had much pillow talk, thought about how wonderful wife is, how she's added a golden sheen to my life. In retrospect more like she's been a rock, foundation upon which I've..... eh. Words escape me. But at the time golden sheen was the way it seemed and that works also.
-
Now my right knee is hurting. I think pain killers are bad for the joints, although also may depend on the type of course. But in the future I'll just try to handle the pain, even though I was starting to get nauseous it was getting so bad. Maybe just drink a couple glasses of wine. I don't know. But I'm really enjoying my running. Really enjoying running faster and very very much do not want to lose the ability to run.
-
Lately enjoying playing the most simplistic songs on the cello. Simply enjoying the pure tones. Also finally learning vibrato. At the same time a bit annoyed at the slowness of progress, very much 3 steps forward and two back it seems. Feel like I have to spin my wheels in the mud very fast just to hold even at times. Feel a pressure to keep improving as a result of taking lessons that somewhat reduces enjoyment yet I think taking lessons at the same time helps me feel for once not so isolated. I could probably improve just as much though using youtube and such. But again, good to break free of isolation.
-
Took a training class at work where it was said that the actual words someone says only convey 10% of the meaning. The visual gives 70% and the sound of the voice gives 20%. Song 130 (Schopenhauer) reminds me of this. I think hearing my voice for a minute means more than hundreds of blog posts, at least one version of my voice anyway. What a pity the people I used to interact with online didn't understand this.
I've had a phobia about communicating with people online I haven't actually ever spoken to for over a year now. Looks to be permanent. A "correct phobia" I suppose. But it's somewhat beyond the rational. Not actually just about taking a moral stand against dystopia. Actually largely beyond my control.
As to Gormenghast I'm curious to see to what extent it might follow the monomyth. Hope it does. Hope Steerpike is a hero. Scarlett Thomas' book says Campbell's monomyth is a load of bunk, really just the story of imperialism. I don't think I agree but it's an interesting thought.
In other news had a headache for 5 days triggered I think by carpet cleaner. Last thursday it got so bad I broke down and took a lortab. Felt great then. Laid in bed and had much pillow talk, thought about how wonderful wife is, how she's added a golden sheen to my life. In retrospect more like she's been a rock, foundation upon which I've..... eh. Words escape me. But at the time golden sheen was the way it seemed and that works also.
-
Now my right knee is hurting. I think pain killers are bad for the joints, although also may depend on the type of course. But in the future I'll just try to handle the pain, even though I was starting to get nauseous it was getting so bad. Maybe just drink a couple glasses of wine. I don't know. But I'm really enjoying my running. Really enjoying running faster and very very much do not want to lose the ability to run.
-
Lately enjoying playing the most simplistic songs on the cello. Simply enjoying the pure tones. Also finally learning vibrato. At the same time a bit annoyed at the slowness of progress, very much 3 steps forward and two back it seems. Feel like I have to spin my wheels in the mud very fast just to hold even at times. Feel a pressure to keep improving as a result of taking lessons that somewhat reduces enjoyment yet I think taking lessons at the same time helps me feel for once not so isolated. I could probably improve just as much though using youtube and such. But again, good to break free of isolation.
-
Took a training class at work where it was said that the actual words someone says only convey 10% of the meaning. The visual gives 70% and the sound of the voice gives 20%. Song 130 (Schopenhauer) reminds me of this. I think hearing my voice for a minute means more than hundreds of blog posts, at least one version of my voice anyway. What a pity the people I used to interact with online didn't understand this.
I've had a phobia about communicating with people online I haven't actually ever spoken to for over a year now. Looks to be permanent. A "correct phobia" I suppose. But it's somewhat beyond the rational. Not actually just about taking a moral stand against dystopia. Actually largely beyond my control.
Are we finished?
Yes we are.
The soundbites at the end remind me...
In my frustration at listening to tea partiers regurgitating the same libertarian arguments that have been around for the last century and already have completely failed, it's good to remember these people have been brainwashed by the same corporate media that was going to such lengths to defend torturing people.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Finishing up the ninth hour of HBO's John Adams with my wife. She's really into it. Much more so than me. We're both mostly familar with the history already. I could criticize my wife for watching Jersey Shore and Survivor, etc, yet still she is intelligent and into things the average person wouldn't be. Laying on the oval couch with the fire going. Been drinking hot chocolate. Still walk through the house not quite believing it's ours. It's really nice. Makes up for a lot in life. Material possessions can make a difference, which is something I've avoided believing most of my life, which shows a lack of nuaunce on my part, a reduction of things to absolutes unfortunately. Father-in-law gave us a big riding lawnmower which wife used today for the first time. She's looks kind of comical on it. She can be very cute. Kind of funny sitting there on a big John Deere. Cats very annoying lately, constantly wanting in and out. Need to install a cat door.
Song 129 makes me think of my music writing like playing more complex sudoku with something long term to show for it. And more and more I'm learning to just be receptive to my music, why bother listening trying to figure out all the ways it's not any good? No one else is listening for whom I need to bother doing such a thing. It's just me, I'm the only person to be entertained. I just make what I like and don't really worry.
A nice enough day, not particularly plagued by anything much. Feel pretty good. Finishing Scarlett Thomas' book. Not thinking about utopias or all that's wrong with this world.
Song 129 makes me think of my music writing like playing more complex sudoku with something long term to show for it. And more and more I'm learning to just be receptive to my music, why bother listening trying to figure out all the ways it's not any good? No one else is listening for whom I need to bother doing such a thing. It's just me, I'm the only person to be entertained. I just make what I like and don't really worry.
A nice enough day, not particularly plagued by anything much. Feel pretty good. Finishing Scarlett Thomas' book. Not thinking about utopias or all that's wrong with this world.
Two weeks back I ran two miles at a 6mph pace (could have kept going) then I started working on 6.5mph. At first for that I was having a fast day which was alternating between 6.5mph for a couple of minutes and then down to 5mph back and forth for two miles then an easy day which was just 5mph for two miles. But then I had a day where I had no time for the easy day and instead just ran 6.5mph for 5 minutes as my easy. And I found that it gave me a boost. The hard day was then easier. I expected it was just a short term effect but have been sticking with that such that today my "easy" day was running 6.5mph for 9:15.
Which is to say I'm getting away from having easy days which is a mistake on my part.
I have to remember I'm doing this so that:
1. I'll have more energy for my long hard work days.
2. My back will stay good.
3. I'll sleep well.
What eventually happens though is I forget and/or take the main reasons for granted and then instead start focusing on running faster combined with looking good. Those aren't really good reasons though and as they become The reasons what happens is:
1. I start questioning why I'm bothering to exercise and lose the motivation to bother.
2. Or I start working out too hard. Which means instead of having increased energy for the rest of my day, I end up feeling more tired than I would if I just didn't work out at all.
The latter is what I'm falling into right now. Have been a bit tired at work lately. And even beyond that (or perhaps highly related) I think I was having some premature ventricular contractions Sunday morning. Perhaps if my heart rate gets really elevated day after day it starts getting it worn down..? Also with breathing hard everyday I start getting the occasionally sharp pain in my chest which seems to be almost like pluerisy. Like the pluera starts occasionally catching on something.
Anyway, thing to do is I should be running at a slower pace on my easy day. Obviously. I just seem to lose patience though. Always start pushing things too hard.
So today my "easy day" was really a hard day, although it wasn't particularly hard. I could have run another mile at that pace, possibly another two. But it's too hard when I'm running at least that hard 6 days a week... So tomorrow I'll go back to having a truly easy day even though 5mph seems like such a pitiful shuffle.
For weightlifting I'm going extremely light. Alternating between pulldowns and closegrip benches each for 150 seconds straight. 3 sets each. Using 40 pounds on press and 57.5 on pulldown so far, 2 to 3 times a week.
Which is to say I'm getting away from having easy days which is a mistake on my part.
I have to remember I'm doing this so that:
1. I'll have more energy for my long hard work days.
2. My back will stay good.
3. I'll sleep well.
What eventually happens though is I forget and/or take the main reasons for granted and then instead start focusing on running faster combined with looking good. Those aren't really good reasons though and as they become The reasons what happens is:
1. I start questioning why I'm bothering to exercise and lose the motivation to bother.
2. Or I start working out too hard. Which means instead of having increased energy for the rest of my day, I end up feeling more tired than I would if I just didn't work out at all.
The latter is what I'm falling into right now. Have been a bit tired at work lately. And even beyond that (or perhaps highly related) I think I was having some premature ventricular contractions Sunday morning. Perhaps if my heart rate gets really elevated day after day it starts getting it worn down..? Also with breathing hard everyday I start getting the occasionally sharp pain in my chest which seems to be almost like pluerisy. Like the pluera starts occasionally catching on something.
Anyway, thing to do is I should be running at a slower pace on my easy day. Obviously. I just seem to lose patience though. Always start pushing things too hard.
So today my "easy day" was really a hard day, although it wasn't particularly hard. I could have run another mile at that pace, possibly another two. But it's too hard when I'm running at least that hard 6 days a week... So tomorrow I'll go back to having a truly easy day even though 5mph seems like such a pitiful shuffle.
For weightlifting I'm going extremely light. Alternating between pulldowns and closegrip benches each for 150 seconds straight. 3 sets each. Using 40 pounds on press and 57.5 on pulldown so far, 2 to 3 times a week.
If you imagine, in so far as it is approximately possible, the sum total of distress, pain and suffering of every kind which the sun shines upon in its course, you will have to admit it would have been much better if the sun had been able to call up the phenomenon of life as little as possible on the earth as on the moon; and if, here as tehre, the surface were still in a crystalline condition.
You can also look upon our life as an episode unprofitably disturbing the blessed calm of nothingness. In any case, even he who has found life tolerably bearable will, the longer he lives, feel the more clearly that on the whole it is a disappointment, nay a cheat. if two men who were friends in youth meet in old age after the lapse of an entire generation, the principal feeling the sight of one another, lnked as it is with recollections of earlier years, will arouse in both will be one of total disappointment with the whole of life, which once lay so fair before them in the rosy dawn of youth, promised so much and performed so little. This feeling will dominate so decidedly over every other that they will not even think it necessary to speak of it but will silently assume it as the basis of their conversation.
If the act of procreation were neither the outcome of a desire nor accompanied by feelings of pleasure, but a matter to be decided on the basis of purely rational considerations, is it likely the human race would still exist? Would each of us not rather have felt so much pity for the coming generation as to prefer to spare it the burden of existence, or at least not wish to take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood.
For the world is Hell, and men are on the one hand the tormented souls and on the other the devils in it.
-
The story of the Fall is consequently the only thing which reconciles me to the Old Testament; I even regard it as the sole metaphysical truth contained in that book, even though it does appear clothed in allegory. For our existence resembles nothing so much as the consequence of a misdeed, punishment for a forbidden desire.
As a reliable compass for orientating yourself in life nothing is more useful than to accustom yourself to regarding this world as a place of atonement, a sort of penal colony. When you have done this you will order your expectations of life according to the nature of things and no longer regard the calamaties, sufferings, torments and miseries of life as something irregular and not to be expected but will find them entirely in order, well knowing that each of us is here being punished for his existence and each in his own particular way. This outlook will enable us to view the so-called imperfections of the majority of men, i.e. their moral and intellectual shortcomings and the facial appearance resulting thereform, without surprise and certainly without indignation: for we shall always bear in mind where we are and consequently regard every man first and foremost as a being who exists only as a consequence of his culpability and whose life is an expiation of the crime of being born.
The conviction that the world, and therefore man too, is something which really ought not to exist is in fact calculated to instill in us indulgence towards one another: for what can be expected of beings cplaed in such a situation as we are? From this point of view one might indeed consider that the appropriate form of address between man and man ought to be, not 'monsier, sir', but 'fellow sufferer, companion in misery'. However strange this may sound it corresponds to the nature of the case, makes us see other men in a true lilght and reminds us of what are the most necessary of all things: tolerance, patience, forbearance and charity, which each of us needs and which each of us therefore owes.
-
You could, to be sure, base on considerations of this kind a theory that the greatest wisdom consists in enjoying the present and making this enjoyment the goal of life, because the present is all that is real and everything else merely imaginary. But you could just as well call this mode of life the greatest folly: for that which in a moment ceases to exist, which vanishes as completely as a dream, cannot be worth any serious effort.
-
The scenes of our life resemble pictures in rough mosaic; they are ineffective from close up, and have to be viewed from a distance if they are to seem beautiful. That is why to attain something desired is to discover how vain it is; and why, though we live all our lives in expectation of better things, we often at the same time long regretfully for what is part. The present, on the other hand, is regarded as something quite temporary and serving only as the road to our goal. That is why most men discover when they look back on their life that they have the whole time been living ad interim, and are surprised to see that which they let go by so unregarded and unenjoyed was precisely their life, was precisely that in expectation of which they lived....[/i]
Was rereading the above from my blog, not remembering who originally wrote it. Having no idea at all but thinking that whoever it was, they were truly a great man. I wondered if perhaps it wasn't someone famous, as I can't think of anyone at all alive today who'd write like this. It's just too negative. No one alive today would be allowed to still have any success with such an opinion. So I thought that perhaps I just got it from a blog somewhere. And I thought then, I need to contact whoever wrote it. Finally for once here is a person who gets it.
Unfortunately the person who wrote it is long, long dead. Schopenhauer. Is there anyone alive today who actually gets it?
Anyone at all?
The people whom even talk of liking Schopenhauer certainly don't talk like him.
You can also look upon our life as an episode unprofitably disturbing the blessed calm of nothingness. In any case, even he who has found life tolerably bearable will, the longer he lives, feel the more clearly that on the whole it is a disappointment, nay a cheat. if two men who were friends in youth meet in old age after the lapse of an entire generation, the principal feeling the sight of one another, lnked as it is with recollections of earlier years, will arouse in both will be one of total disappointment with the whole of life, which once lay so fair before them in the rosy dawn of youth, promised so much and performed so little. This feeling will dominate so decidedly over every other that they will not even think it necessary to speak of it but will silently assume it as the basis of their conversation.
If the act of procreation were neither the outcome of a desire nor accompanied by feelings of pleasure, but a matter to be decided on the basis of purely rational considerations, is it likely the human race would still exist? Would each of us not rather have felt so much pity for the coming generation as to prefer to spare it the burden of existence, or at least not wish to take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood.
For the world is Hell, and men are on the one hand the tormented souls and on the other the devils in it.
-
The story of the Fall is consequently the only thing which reconciles me to the Old Testament; I even regard it as the sole metaphysical truth contained in that book, even though it does appear clothed in allegory. For our existence resembles nothing so much as the consequence of a misdeed, punishment for a forbidden desire.
As a reliable compass for orientating yourself in life nothing is more useful than to accustom yourself to regarding this world as a place of atonement, a sort of penal colony. When you have done this you will order your expectations of life according to the nature of things and no longer regard the calamaties, sufferings, torments and miseries of life as something irregular and not to be expected but will find them entirely in order, well knowing that each of us is here being punished for his existence and each in his own particular way. This outlook will enable us to view the so-called imperfections of the majority of men, i.e. their moral and intellectual shortcomings and the facial appearance resulting thereform, without surprise and certainly without indignation: for we shall always bear in mind where we are and consequently regard every man first and foremost as a being who exists only as a consequence of his culpability and whose life is an expiation of the crime of being born.
The conviction that the world, and therefore man too, is something which really ought not to exist is in fact calculated to instill in us indulgence towards one another: for what can be expected of beings cplaed in such a situation as we are? From this point of view one might indeed consider that the appropriate form of address between man and man ought to be, not 'monsier, sir', but 'fellow sufferer, companion in misery'. However strange this may sound it corresponds to the nature of the case, makes us see other men in a true lilght and reminds us of what are the most necessary of all things: tolerance, patience, forbearance and charity, which each of us needs and which each of us therefore owes.
-
You could, to be sure, base on considerations of this kind a theory that the greatest wisdom consists in enjoying the present and making this enjoyment the goal of life, because the present is all that is real and everything else merely imaginary. But you could just as well call this mode of life the greatest folly: for that which in a moment ceases to exist, which vanishes as completely as a dream, cannot be worth any serious effort.
-
The scenes of our life resemble pictures in rough mosaic; they are ineffective from close up, and have to be viewed from a distance if they are to seem beautiful. That is why to attain something desired is to discover how vain it is; and why, though we live all our lives in expectation of better things, we often at the same time long regretfully for what is part. The present, on the other hand, is regarded as something quite temporary and serving only as the road to our goal. That is why most men discover when they look back on their life that they have the whole time been living ad interim, and are surprised to see that which they let go by so unregarded and unenjoyed was precisely their life, was precisely that in expectation of which they lived....[/i]
Was rereading the above from my blog, not remembering who originally wrote it. Having no idea at all but thinking that whoever it was, they were truly a great man. I wondered if perhaps it wasn't someone famous, as I can't think of anyone at all alive today who'd write like this. It's just too negative. No one alive today would be allowed to still have any success with such an opinion. So I thought that perhaps I just got it from a blog somewhere. And I thought then, I need to contact whoever wrote it. Finally for once here is a person who gets it.
Unfortunately the person who wrote it is long, long dead. Schopenhauer. Is there anyone alive today who actually gets it?
Anyone at all?
The people whom even talk of liking Schopenhauer certainly don't talk like him.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Depressed about rift with S. The depressing part is J keeps bringing it up at work, trying to "fix" it. I've certainly nothing against S or J. Truly fixing the rift would though I think mean really explaining something to at least S, possibly J along for the ride which is highly depressing. And I've ended up thinking about that.
Which is: what's the point of bothering?
That is bothering to have anything to do with anyone. The way our society is set-up, plus what's "acceptable" behavior for a married man, there's not really much point in me even trying to have friends. I'm very close to simply not allowed to be close enough to people in a meaningful way. And the meaningless really doesn't interest me. I'd rather just stay home.
It's more possible/acceptable for women to be meaningfully close to one another. They are literally evolved to be better verbally, to comprehend facial expressions better even. And then it's socially acceptable for them to talk about their feelings with one another. For men to do so with one another would be "gay". And for a married man to do so with some other women is considered adulterous.
Furthermore, the concept of community no longer exists in modern America. My neighbors might as well be living in China. It would literally make no difference to me whatsoever. And the people I work with might as well also all live in China. It wouldn't matter at all.
So short of finding people who really have the same deep musical and/or philosophical interests as me, there's just no point at all.
Now if I was single, then yes, I'd have to go find one person. But I'm not allowed to be close in any meaningful way to more than one person. So why waste time on the meaningless?
Should I try to explain all of this to S and/or J?
Nope. To talk of such things is also outside of the acceptable, in that it's something deep and meaningful and not fake positive. Whatever I do with these people has to stay meaningless and again, why bother?
It was thinking along such lines along with imagining what my life holds from now to death that got me in such a state that I caused a "rift" with S in the first place.
Why am I virtually the only one saying this sort of thing?
Some few men may manage to have meaningful friendships beyond their SO but most are afraid of how they'll be perceived if they admit this sort of thing. Afraid to be perceived as friendless/lonely or unconformed. Or not questioning enough to consciously see that something's wrong. Or to emotionally dulled to see a point in any other way.
Which is: what's the point of bothering?
That is bothering to have anything to do with anyone. The way our society is set-up, plus what's "acceptable" behavior for a married man, there's not really much point in me even trying to have friends. I'm very close to simply not allowed to be close enough to people in a meaningful way. And the meaningless really doesn't interest me. I'd rather just stay home.
It's more possible/acceptable for women to be meaningfully close to one another. They are literally evolved to be better verbally, to comprehend facial expressions better even. And then it's socially acceptable for them to talk about their feelings with one another. For men to do so with one another would be "gay". And for a married man to do so with some other women is considered adulterous.
Furthermore, the concept of community no longer exists in modern America. My neighbors might as well be living in China. It would literally make no difference to me whatsoever. And the people I work with might as well also all live in China. It wouldn't matter at all.
So short of finding people who really have the same deep musical and/or philosophical interests as me, there's just no point at all.
Now if I was single, then yes, I'd have to go find one person. But I'm not allowed to be close in any meaningful way to more than one person. So why waste time on the meaningless?
Should I try to explain all of this to S and/or J?
Nope. To talk of such things is also outside of the acceptable, in that it's something deep and meaningful and not fake positive. Whatever I do with these people has to stay meaningless and again, why bother?
It was thinking along such lines along with imagining what my life holds from now to death that got me in such a state that I caused a "rift" with S in the first place.
Why am I virtually the only one saying this sort of thing?
Some few men may manage to have meaningful friendships beyond their SO but most are afraid of how they'll be perceived if they admit this sort of thing. Afraid to be perceived as friendless/lonely or unconformed. Or not questioning enough to consciously see that something's wrong. Or to emotionally dulled to see a point in any other way.
I loved Tony Pena when I was a child. When I was ten or so years old I loved baseball. I'd listen to the pirate games on the radio as I feel asleep each night. I only remember once managing to stay awake till the end of a game. I remember I'd always wake back up in the middle of the night and the radio was suddenly so loud yet when I had turned it on I put it as low a volume as I could and still hear it. I remember watching the games on TV too and Pena's special stance.
The lack of a salary cap killed baseball. I don't watch it at all anymore. At work someone told me I looked exactly like Roy Halladay, supposedly the best pitcher in the league this year. Never heard of him. Couldn't care less about baseball now. But as a child my first hopes and dreams shone so brightly tied into baseball.
The lack of a salary cap killed baseball. I don't watch it at all anymore. At work someone told me I looked exactly like Roy Halladay, supposedly the best pitcher in the league this year. Never heard of him. Couldn't care less about baseball now. But as a child my first hopes and dreams shone so brightly tied into baseball.
http://www.veganoutreach.org/articles/youngmatt.html
The main problem ultimately is that of legitimizing a stereotype by reacting to it. By reacting to it, you're controlled by it and you've in effect said that, yes we all agree, that stereotype is real and worth condemning.
The vegan misanthrope stereotype ties into the positivity cult and this world now where showing unhappiness at all is verbotten.
Another stereotype is that of the elitist, where the rightwing has tried to make 'intelligent' a synonym for 'arrogant elitst'. Politicians have reacted by taking great pains to not sound particularly intelligent thus legitimizing the stereotype and now being controlled by it.
And so today in our society, intelligence is a bad thing and if you're not smiling, you're wrong.
It's furthermore a particularly bad idea when it comes to vegan activism in that the sort of people who become ethical vegans are thoughtful enough that they aren't basing their decision on how much you're smiling. Instead ethical vegans are left hiding much of what they really feel while trying to pander to people who couldn't actually care less about veganism no matter how they act.
The main problem ultimately is that of legitimizing a stereotype by reacting to it. By reacting to it, you're controlled by it and you've in effect said that, yes we all agree, that stereotype is real and worth condemning.
The vegan misanthrope stereotype ties into the positivity cult and this world now where showing unhappiness at all is verbotten.
Another stereotype is that of the elitist, where the rightwing has tried to make 'intelligent' a synonym for 'arrogant elitst'. Politicians have reacted by taking great pains to not sound particularly intelligent thus legitimizing the stereotype and now being controlled by it.
And so today in our society, intelligence is a bad thing and if you're not smiling, you're wrong.
It's furthermore a particularly bad idea when it comes to vegan activism in that the sort of people who become ethical vegans are thoughtful enough that they aren't basing their decision on how much you're smiling. Instead ethical vegans are left hiding much of what they really feel while trying to pander to people who couldn't actually care less about veganism no matter how they act.
"You have to decide something is a monster before it becomes one." Scarlett Thomas, Our Tragic Universe, pg 132.
Nice book for aspiring intellectual writers. Reassuring that there are others out there.
This quote and the page or so going on about it. I imagine a good person trying to help someone and this someone making a bad judgement and suddenly the good person finds themselves turning into an ogre. Suddenly they find their face becoming mishapen, their jaw elongates, etc, all while a desperate bewildered look enters their eyes. Then the villagers attack, throwing stones, etc while the good person shields themselves and retreats and retreats and finally too many stones hit home and the good person lashes out in return and starts attacking the villagers in return like the evil bloodthirsty troll it clearly always was.
I imagine an angel which comes from the sky to help the people of a village. It studies them from afar to see how it can help them. It devotes itself to helping. It sees some particular problem? and works to fix it at extreme cost to itself. Meanwhile the villagers have become aware of it's existence and think it a demon. Clearly it is different, therefore of course it's a demon. And after a good bit of detailing how the angel is trying to save them, they kill it, they defile it's body, etc.
A beautiful world stood before them and they shit upon it.
A beautiful world stands before you and so it goes.
Nice book for aspiring intellectual writers. Reassuring that there are others out there.
This quote and the page or so going on about it. I imagine a good person trying to help someone and this someone making a bad judgement and suddenly the good person finds themselves turning into an ogre. Suddenly they find their face becoming mishapen, their jaw elongates, etc, all while a desperate bewildered look enters their eyes. Then the villagers attack, throwing stones, etc while the good person shields themselves and retreats and retreats and finally too many stones hit home and the good person lashes out in return and starts attacking the villagers in return like the evil bloodthirsty troll it clearly always was.
I imagine an angel which comes from the sky to help the people of a village. It studies them from afar to see how it can help them. It devotes itself to helping. It sees some particular problem? and works to fix it at extreme cost to itself. Meanwhile the villagers have become aware of it's existence and think it a demon. Clearly it is different, therefore of course it's a demon. And after a good bit of detailing how the angel is trying to save them, they kill it, they defile it's body, etc.
A beautiful world stood before them and they shit upon it.
A beautiful world stands before you and so it goes.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Finished 'The Too Far Future' / 'Lumpy Wheels'. It was a blog during an angry time. A time when my creativity was of the utmost importance I suppose without so much concern for appearances, for bothering to follow social norms just to not appear scary, etc. It's now I guess permanently closed to the public just to be considerate (was open primarily for the imaginary eyes creative effect) and I'm more than halfway through summarizing all the ideas from it, which is really taking a long time. This here blog, FWIW, will be quite different. Not so hellish and ranty and long winded and ... inconsiderate.
This will be pretty peaceful, and considerate. Yet not with my head in the sand. A primary goal now is to write fiction which utilizes the ideas of The Too Far Future. It's definitely not to just be forgotten. As to the old question of the immorality of happiness in dystopia, the thing is that it's enough to have spent time unhappy. One doesn't have to be permanently unhappy. In fact being permanently unhappy would almost certainly just ensure no one will ever listen to anything I say, (wrong though that is).
Also almost certainly it's all useless anyway, so one might as well be happy. Not that that's going to stop me from moving forward...
All kinds of contradications and complications made worse by forgetting and changing from day to day...
Going to (hopefully) be primarily a compilation of happy thoughts. Which is to say a relatively normal sort of thing to do. As if I were just another person with my head in the sand... another member of the positivity cult. Another immoral person... But it's OK as it's the last instant of the world anyway. Also compiling happiness is a crucial activity for any longterm thinker.
...Inconsiderate in being so ranty, so overwhelmingly negative and in not caring much about being misunderstood....
This will be pretty peaceful, and considerate. Yet not with my head in the sand. A primary goal now is to write fiction which utilizes the ideas of The Too Far Future. It's definitely not to just be forgotten. As to the old question of the immorality of happiness in dystopia, the thing is that it's enough to have spent time unhappy. One doesn't have to be permanently unhappy. In fact being permanently unhappy would almost certainly just ensure no one will ever listen to anything I say, (wrong though that is).
Also almost certainly it's all useless anyway, so one might as well be happy. Not that that's going to stop me from moving forward...
All kinds of contradications and complications made worse by forgetting and changing from day to day...
Going to (hopefully) be primarily a compilation of happy thoughts. Which is to say a relatively normal sort of thing to do. As if I were just another person with my head in the sand... another member of the positivity cult. Another immoral person... But it's OK as it's the last instant of the world anyway. Also compiling happiness is a crucial activity for any longterm thinker.
...Inconsiderate in being so ranty, so overwhelmingly negative and in not caring much about being misunderstood....
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