Watching movie versions of Poe stories. Our real live spells are our stories. They change moods. The words are recited and moods change across centuries. We can forever bring new feelings into the world.

I have discovered that for me the first key to writing is to do it first thing every morning.
1. This is when my brain has plenty of energy. Though I may not necessarily be doing my absolute best thinking I'm not mentally exhausted as is often the case after ten hours at work.
2. It must be a basically daily habit. That's impossible when trying to do it in the evenings or before bed. Too much else going on.

I couldn't write in the morning when younger though as I desperately needed to be asleep as late as possible in the early morning. Finally that has changed. Now I can at least attempt to get somewhere.

A further issue though, for now, is that the whole 500 or however many words a day is just not happening. I don't count words. That, like everything else other than writing, can be a form of procrastination anyway. Additionally there are days when I can work hard for an hour and write negative total words. Because I've just got a long way to go. I don't see the point in writing tens of thousands of words that will have to be very severely edited. Like with composing. I have to make mistakes and correct them then. Know as soon as possible what I did wrong and correct it then. No writing an entire first draft and then going back over it.

And the characters become, the plot becomes with the writing of scenes, one hopefully publishable sentence at a time.

It's a way of writing that best avoids all forms of procrastination. No spending weeks or more making a magic system, building a world and characters. Have to jump in, it all has to happen kind of together and this is how that happens.

The wrong person is someone that causes you harm. Harm can be physical or mental.
Physical harm is generally transmitted diseases thanks largely to having sex with someone you just met.

Mental harm starts with really "loving" someone primarily for their looks and other things that have nothing to do with whether or not they are actually a good person. It is interesting what being physically beautiful generally means. Though taste will vary a little, being "beautiful" generally means having the most average facial features. A nose that's not too long, not too short, not too wide, not too narrow. A jaw that's not too long, not too wide, etc. Chin that protrudes just the most average amount. Eyes set not too far apart, not too narrow. Nothing protruding too much or too little. Everything perfectly average.

You can take video games such as Dragon Age: Origins or SkyRim and probably many others and choose a character and change the shape of their face in this way and watch beautiful turn into not so beautiful. What is interesting is that we seem to more or less desire what is basically an average face. We don't really find it beautiful when features stray to the edge of what humans look like. On a subconscious level we want normal. We want conformity. We do additionally generally want good health which is indicated by nice smooth skin, not too thin or too fat, etc. But this subconscious conformity plays a large role and is that really want you want to be the primary reason you choose to be with someone? Because you subconsciously desired conformity or averageness?

You should instead find someone based on the following requirements:

A. It's important to make sure you are with someone who shows some ability to understand people. They need to show some rudimentary ability to understand what is going on in other's mind which correctly explains their actions. When they don't understand, people will often jump to thinking negative things. Super important to see if they do this. While they may be currently treating you really good, do they think very little of tons of other people? It's possible they have had bad friends and bad relatives or even been in terrible work environments and be justified in saying bad things about them. But when someone does something not nice, do they ever show any understanding or just immediately condemn them? Do they ever do anything other than condemn people? Is everyone around them always described as lazy or manipulative?

B.It's important to be with someone who wants other people around them to be happy because they understand that other people being happy should mean they will also be happy. People instead just "do the right thing". That isn't as good. It becomes then that they are focusing on pride in theirself instead of actually successfully making the other person happy. "Doing the right thing" is a bit unthinking. I could go on quite a bit about the distinction. "Doing the right thing" is better than nothing and may have to suffice though it's not quite ideal. They are endless people of course who just flat out don't care about others, who are only nice when they can clearly see how they can get something out of it, which sounds a it like the first reason to be nice. And it sort of is. The difference being forever versus the very short term.

C. It's important to be with someone who understands that they have a subconscious which plays an important role in their actions. Understands that sometimes they may do things that aren't so nice because of negative things they are thinking subconsciously. They need to be open to introspection. Basically they need to be openminded. If instead they are generally closeminded to the possibility that their behavior is wrong in any way, they will probably eventually be a miserable person to have anything to do with because we all think ugly, unfair, unwarranted things on a subconscious level to some extent. Some of us can face it and correct our behavior. Some people spend their lives unaware of the concept of a subconscious and they will feel and act upon subconscious jealousy, subconscious racism and so on. They will treat you terribly while convincing themselves you've earned it for some other reason. Sometimes they will wonder if they might be happier with someone else and will resent you simply for stopping them from finding out because they're with you instead. And they not just simply leave you or divorce you. Because they understand that would mean they are a bad person. They will instead start looking and looking for things about you they don't like, reasons to treat you badly. And eventually they'll find a reason they think is justifiable to get rid of you, other than the actual reason. And it may take a long time. You may be miserable for years. Who knows? It's not like they are rationally planning it. They have no idea what is going on in their own head. They are closeminded. They are not introspective. They have never even seriously thought about the existence of the subconscious.

Odds and Ends about Relationships
If a women says she's dumping you, you probably should ask why. If she just dumps you without saying anything, there is something wrong with her. You should ask why. But understand that you will probably get a crap answer or she'll lie or she will refuse to even give an answer. She may not even know why she is dumping you. She may have some subconscious issue. If she could honestly say she doesn't know why, that would be great. But that's unlikely. More likely she'll search for a reason and make up something bizarre. Something untrue. Something unfair. Something just flat out stupid. Understand, when she gives a reason, it probably isn't the actual reason. She may not actually have any idea why. Or she may really not want to tell you the actual reason. Maybe she just doesn't like your particular penis?

Again, despite all this, you should still ask. But though you ask, she may not want to give a reason because she's made up her mind already (without ever bothering to tell you anything is wrong) and she thinks if she tells you why you will think there is still a chance, thus she doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want you to even think there is any chance. Or she doesn't want to tell you because she is afraid of ever telling any man that there is something she doesn't like about them. She may not admit this to herself but it may be that she just can't handle any kind of disagreement at all because in her mind it immediately means fighting and she is afraid to fight with a man.

Still, you should ask. Because it could be a miscommunication. A mistake. Like her friend who is jealous of you two being together makes up a lie about you. Of course if she's happy to dump you based off that without even making sure it's actually true by actually speaking to you, again, maybe you asking is a bit pointless anyway.

Still, you should ask. Just expect the answer to be crap.

Now, the above all assumes you're a good person. If on the other hand, you have been doing crappy things to her for a while, she's told you and you keep on doing them, then I guess you already know why. In which case the above is not applicable.

Exercise:
There are two kinds of exercise: anaerobic and aerobic. If it's a whole body exercise, it's aerobic if you don't breath hard, more or less. If it's not--and this means anything from a bicep curl to riding a bike--it's aerobic if it feels totally comfortable.

Anaerobic exercise results in quick improvements for a month or so and then you stop improving. Additionally you can easily become overtrained. Overtraining can mean insomnia, lack of appetite and just in general feeling very tired. If it's running or basically something where you're nowhere total muscle failure but just breathing really hard, you can go anaerobic repeatedly for repetitions of 2 minutes or less and do so many times per week. Roger Bannister for example did 1 minute intervals 5 times a week in becoming the first to run a 4 minute mile. Anaerobic running for 5 minutes or more really does a number on the body. It should only be done once a week. If you do more you will become overtrained. Maybe not immediately but definitely eventually.

If it's weights where one is coming close to muscle failure, overtraining is a bit more likely.

The important thing to understand for all these types of anaerobic exercise is that you will plateau within a month or so. Watch guys doing pullups at a gym. If they have a relatively thin waist they can do 10 to 20 usually. Occasionally a few more. Whether they've been exercising a few months or 50 years, that's usually it.

On the other hand you can do tons of aerobic exercise without overtraining. Hours and hours everyday. And it generally doesn't result in the sudden improvement you get in the beginning from anaerobic exercise but it is claimed that if you do a lot you can continue to improve for years and years unlike with anaerobic. Arthur Lydiard and others wrote about this. He said don't even bother with anaerobic exercise until a month or so before your big target race. Until then just do tons of easy running to build a "base". Aerobic exercise can potentially be very useful in that it helps you handle anaerobic exercise better. It depends on the sport but I would say generally that a serious exercise routine is about successfully combining anaerobic with aerobic.

Tennis, against a good player, can be very anaerobic. Supplementing it with mostly aerobic exercise can really help with endurance. The problem with using running as aerobic exercise though is that most people have to go so slow that the range of motion doesn't have good crossover to tennis. Biking is better provided you do it while standing. If you aren't standing, it's even worse. Better yet is an elliptical machine.

You can additionally do something anaerobic to help with your speed on the tennis court but I would be careful not to overdo it. Some sprinting and/or jumping drills once a week is probably plenty. You may be able to handle much more but you will get 95% of the benefit from doing it just once a week anyway.

The ultimate exercise:
Tennis. It only takes one other person. You can play it at a high level from age 10 or so to 80 or so. It is a combination of speed, quickness, strength, intelligence and endurance. You can make up for a lack of one with an abundance of another. You can be tall and have a great serve. You can be short and cover the court fast. Being strong enough to handle a very heavy racquet helps. But you can still play well with a very light racquet.

Use an australian grip for your forehand drive/slice and backhand slice. Add in a backhand drive which is either one handed or two handed or maybe even both. Perhaps even hit the return of serve two handed on both sides and then otherwise play one handed. Serves, overheads and volleys can be hit with either a continental grip (the norm) or possibly an australian grip. The australian grip will give more speed but make spin a bit harder. Western grips are a mistake for the forehand. They lead to pulling away from the ball and you can get plenty of topspin just with an australian grip. It does take strength. Using a weighted racquet some evenings before bed can help you develop that strength.

Diet
Most diseases are the result of eating the wrong foods. Unfortunately most doctors will instead just prescribe pills without telling you this.

Headaches are triggered primarily by what you eat. But it isn't necessarily what you just ate, it can be an accumulation of headache causing foods over weeks or possibly months. There was a book called Heal Your Headache that eventually gets around to listing the foods.

Insomnia is probably most often the result of inadequate nutrition. Eating junk day after day. Year after year may eventually result in insomnia. (As will too much anaerobic exercise, caffeine and just general stress.) Foods that really help are broccoli, pineapple, fruit in general and staying well hydrated. On a side note, mankind used chamber pots for most of its recorded history. There is a lot to be said for just rolling over, pulling out your penis and peeing in a chamber pot instead of having to get out of bed to go pee in another room. Again, for thousands of years, that's how men at least actually went to the bathroom at night. By using a chamber pot. If you don't, you may eventually stop adequately hydrating yourself in the evening because you don't want to get out of bed to go use the bathroom. If you don't adequately hydrate yourself, you can get all kinds of problems, including kidney stones, bladder stones, renal disease, etc.

There is probably no reason for anyone to ever die of an ischemic stroke or myocardial infarction. A no oil vegan diet as described by Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn should completely prevent this. Slightly different variations are described by Dr. McDougall and Dr. Fuhrman, etc. Such diets also decrease the likelihood of cancer and diabetes, both type 1 and 2, and many other diseases. Such a diet is also far more sustainable for the planet. Such a diet also makes you less likely to catch colds and flus. Such a diet also means you're not contributing to the massive slaughter of helpless animals.

Politics
Looks up Manufacturing Consent by Herman and Chomsky on wikipedia. The mainstream media isn't free. It costs billions. We can't even remotely claim to live in a democracy when such is the case. The media is biased towards the interests of the extremely rich. They want lower taxes. No tariffs. No worker regulations. They want a small government because they want to be the power in this world, not a government. In other words the media bias is a rightwing bias. The so called left (democrat) is on the right while what would be the actual left, has been censored just about out of existence.

Ethics/Morals
It all comes down to the degree to which you are concerned with yourself versus the degree to which you put your concern for others before yourself. Everyone has to be concerned with themselves. You need food, shelter, clothing, sleep. You can't completely forget about yourself. You can't be completely selfless. That just means you will soon be dead. That's not workable. On the other hand if you're completely perfectly selfish, that means you're a sort of monster.

Therefore ethics/morals is always a matter of degree. To what degree do you think about others instead of just thinking about yourself.

I feel that there is a kind of evil in this world today. In other words a kind of person who is very selfish that is a sort of organized movement. I see this primarily in the Southeast of the United States. They used to keep people as slaves there. When they did this, they convinced themselves they weren't doing anything wrong because they weren't people. Therefore it was OK to do anything to them. And/or they were better off being owned. That they were too stupid to survive on their own. Meanwhile they would kill the ones that showed any intelligence. Because those ones were dangerous.

So they went so far as to fight a war in order to continue keeping people as slaves. They literally managed to get themselves so worked up over it, they were willing to die to continue doing such an evil thing. Thankfully they lost that war. Of course they continued to treat the former slaves however horrible they could get away with. A hundred years later they still treated them terrible. And they even erected endless statues to their generals from their treasonous war and declared them heroes. And they convinced themselves that slavery would have just gradually disappeared and the war wasn't even about that. And so it goes. They can't admit to any wrongdoing. They can't even admit that something their ancestors did 150 years ago was wrong, let alone that they could do anything wrong.

Because their side is always less educated, they have convinced themselves that intelligence is at best a worthless quality and often even a negative; that it somehow equals arrogance. Which isn't remotely to say that they are in anyway humble. Pseudohumble perhaps. Like their country music singers who are always proclaiming how humble they are. But not in the sense of thinking they have any faults or might actually be wrong about anything.

Their minds are like rollercoasters. The thoughts careen this way and that, following no overriding logic. It's all just random handwaving to justify whatever it is they happen to want to do and believe at that moment. You say racism. They yell, "Oh pulling out the race card!" And that's it. They think they've successfully refuted your point.

They are incapable of anything productive happening in a disagreement. They instead immediately start shouting. The end result being that everywhere people are increasingly afraid to point out any disagreement. In a civilized society you should be able to disagree. Disagreement shouldn't automatically equal arguing and hurling insults at each other. In a civilized society it would be understood that of course we're going to disagree all the time and it would be ridiculous to just keep it a secret from one another. We should instead honestly voice our thoughts and come to some kind of resolution, or compromise, or one of the two parties should simply realize that they're wrong.

And that is just about gone today. Instead you keep your mouth shut when you disagree, unless you know the person super well and you are really sure they're not part of this distressing evil movement.

And they're winning. How? They have more children. They impart their genetics and this same way of thinking to their children. Both matter. Identical twin studies make clear that genetics really do matter a lot. They are having more children. It's not a trend that is slowing down. I don't see any indication that it will slow down anytime soon. So it's just going to get worse. Until society collapses and reproduction trends greatly change, it's just going to get worse.

This means that it's going to be very hard to be an intelligent person in the future. It's going to be very very important for intelligent people to realize that they are way smarter than most other people. Because realizing this will mean that the golden rule is actually quite complicated. Treating someone else the way you would want to be treated doesn't necessarily work when that other person is willfully ignorant and violent. You must realize that most people very much want to remain ignorant. They don't want your honesty.

Furthermore, many people are going to hate you simply because they will realize you are smarter than them. They will feel inferior and they will do whatever they can to pull you down. You will have to be very careful around these people. First and foremost you should try to avoid them as much as possible. But completely avoiding them probably won't be possible. So bluntly put, you must act kind of stupid around them. And try to be friendly. And avoid disagreeing with them about anything.

Incidentally the reason some people love guns so much, is because they feel very inferior. A part of their mind, probably subconscious, is fixated on feelings of inferiority. Mental and/or physical. In some way they feel inferior and guns are the great equalizer. Barely move one finger and all is changed. And the more they know about guns, the more they own, the more they feel they have somehow made up for their inadequacies. Rightwingers are not very smart. On some level they know it. Though they have tried to convince themselves that intelligence isn't actually a good quality anyway, a part of them still knows otherwise. And so, just about every gun nut is a rightwinger.

No really this time I did figure it out. The australian grip. That's the key. Like Steffi Graf.

Watched Smoke Signals the movie and cried because of the whole father abandoning son like was done to me. Also very sick today.

Blocked oldest "friend" today for saying something so unbelievably vile to me I would have punched him in the face if it wasn't online. Can't even write it. Instead will say it was similar to how he mocks his younger brother who clearly has some kind of I guess undiagnosed mental illness. Hasn't had a job in decades and he says he's just lazy. Very adversarial relationship and I think he can't admit there is something wrong because of his vile brother. He was the only one there for me to play with as a kid. And my morals dictate I can't drop people. But probably an IQ or 90. Never read a book. Gay basher. Etc. Has no ability to understand and show empathy for others.

He is the person who could have made such a difference in his younger brother's life. Instead he's been a total asshole to him. The brother is 40. Has no friends. Lives with parents. Hasn't had a job in 20 years. And he just mocks him and calls him lazy. He isn't on drugs which would usually be the case. He just really has something wrong. His older brother has been a relative success in comparison. He could have helped him. Instead total asshole. And of course the younger brother now hates him with a passion. Wouldn't be surprised if they ended up killing each other.

Why was I nice to this guy for 40 years? Because I pitied him. He is pitiful. Physically pitiful. Mentally pitiful.

This was a problem in my life. My pity. Pity is no basis for a friendship. But I'm not someone who drops people.

My parents should have simply done something when I was little. Actively helped me find people to be friends with and steered me away from this only person my age within walking distance. But of course there is so much they should have done. Unfortunately they are stupid. They basically fed me and gave me a place to sleep and I was otherwise left to either figure everything else out or not.

And that's just not possible. No one can figure it all out. Children need adult figures who have a bit of wisdom and try to teach them. I was surrounded by idiots.

It won't be turned around in this life for me. I do need to move. But even if I do, to somewhere with intelligent people I probably won't make friends with anyone. I have a few friends here who are at least nice. But for my son's sake we need to move soon though. He is my time machine. I can't do anything about my life but I can give him a real chance.

Read The Cursed by Dave Duncan which was OK. Felt like should have been a series but I guess the war that is just beginning lasts 20 years and wars can be pretty boring. Was surprising how suddenly he wrapped it up, yet was able to do so adequately. I guess Tibal Frainith being a ....something scath and being to see the future and saying what is going to happen really helps. Gwin wasn't terribly interesting. Bulion Thorn and his family were nice but nothing stupendous. I enjoyed but it ended and seems to have just dissolved away somehow. All the problems felt somewhat easily overcome. Though Bulion dies. Polion becomes one of the faceless. Spent a lot of my 5 days off reading this. Now it's over. And so is my time off.

I took the ball machine and played for 90 to 120 minutes Wed, Thur, Fri Sat morning. I worked on hitting a western grip backhand like Kuerten. But then this morning I decided to just try an eastern backhand with my thumb up the handle like Budge. Late last night I was reading about stepping into the ball. So I decided to do that also. I don't even know if I had been!?!?! Well on the backhand, yes. But I think not really on the forehand.

And I decided my serving follow through should be like Sampras.

So I practiced a ton with the ball machine this week. Like I haven't done in forever I think. And then today, right before playing a match, I change the most basic thing about my forehand (making sure to step into the shot). And abandon the western backhand I just put 6 hours into and instead hit eastern with my thumb up the handle, which I have never practiced before.

So I previously had beaten this guy 6-0, 6-1. Though he's also beaten me previously. And of course I played not so great. Biggest issue was my forehand flying way long. And I guess that isn't surprising. But I was frustrated as I couldn't figure out what the issue was. Backhand wasn't very good. Though not terrible. Just missing tons of ROS forehands on very easy second serves.

To be expected as I suddenly was trying new things i hadn't practiced. Oh well.

Serve was really good though. Super high first serve percentage and hitting second about as hard. Got some aces and many service winners. And my opponent was an athletic guy with close to a 7 foot wingspan.

Oh well.

On the bright side I could put away deep no pace balls with stepping into them. Just got to figure out the ROS.

It's annoying as this guy has a terrible serve. I ought to be pouncing on it. Not hitting errors half the time and the rest just getting it back. Lost 6-1, 7-6, 6-3. Have my racquets weighted to 13.5 which is probably too high. But will give it a bit of time.

So against a ball machine that one hand backhand was pretty good. But my elbow / tri felt pretty sore after. And now wondering if I'm feeling the beginning of golfer's elbow from EFGF. Almost went away from both but I am going to try to stick with them for a while and see how I feel. Definitely feels the most effortless way to play. Just afterwards.... Just not sure my right elbow will hold up. But I won't prematurely abandon it. Using 8 ounce velcro weight a lot. Definitely improves my play. But maybe isn't helping elbow. It isn't hurting yet. But I can feel it a bit and have had such issues previously. Need to try to keep arm straight on serve like Lukasz Kubot. I just have to lean back without falling back, lol.

Watching the new Clash of Titans and it's terrible. Mostly. Compared to the original. And people like it. And they're stupid for doing so. And giving my opinion of the movie is meaningless in this stupid world. I still love the idea of Hollywood and making art that will make a positive difference for people. Beautiful things/dreams they will remember. It would be nice if cleaning house on the Weinstein types resulted in better movies being made. Things have really gone to hell. All the crap remakes. The drawn out CGI actions scenes. Three guys doing the soundtracks for the entire industry. Kevin Smith going about pitching his script and this guy wanted him to throw in a fucking giant mechanical spider that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Showed up in Wild West crap remake instead. Why are Mark Walhberg and Matt Damon even put in movies? Well Trump is president. This is the world.

First book of Dust. By Pullman. Plot is a bit contrived. Malcolm and Alice are endlessly chased by guy who knows about Rusakov field. That he is a great scientist and yet so evil somehow didn't seem realistic. Alice was great though. Malcolm was good. This was a book about people interacting and it was pretty good. In an Iliad sort of way. Books should be about interacting. I'm mistaken in trying to write about the red plain. All the things that haunt my mind aren't really proper material for a story.

So there's a flood that goes on forever. Rusakov with his hyena chases them forever. Alice reminded me of S. The way the daemons in the previous book wouldn't be seen for a month as a punishment also reminded me of S. It's been years and she still keeps popping into my mind. ....too much. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night it seems like somehow she pops into my mind. Oh well.

Then Jesus the Good Man, Christ the Scoundrel. Halfway through. Don't know if I will finish. Got the idea. Organization and Miracles are bad and so on. I agree.

So I've been using a racquet with a stiffness rating of 59. Chang's graphite longbody. Grip and lead tape up to 13.2 currently. Have been practicing with a 8 ounce velco weight which I think is really helpful. Been playing a one handed eastern forehand grip forehand. Little harder to find the groove but I think sticking with it is working. Not blasting a lot of winners but hitting decent pace. Few unforced errors. Return serve even pretty well. Really making sure to get a neutral stance. Can't hit with an open stance right now. Course I haven't practiced it.

Played a japanese lady who is awesome. Had two really close matches. The second one I was tired from playing the day before and not getting enough sleep. And my backhand just didn't have adequate power. On high balls anyway. Was happier with my slice. Think, yet again, about trying to hit a one hand backhand. Going to work on it today.

Serve. Trying to keep arm straight. Think that is important for my elbow. Had some really good serve days and some not so good. Think I just need to really practice it. Which I never do except when playing matches. Think I need to just try to hit one serve for like an hour straight, etc.

Read Pullman's Dark Materials.
May have read it before but there was really something wrong with me back then. Still is probably. But much less so. Some day I will reach that point! If I don't die first.

Liked this a lot. Don't usually care for heroines and I think actually I started liking it more when Lyra was joined by Will. I think that was starting with book 2.

I liked that the fate of everything depended on two people falling in love. You could say that is the most true thing really. Falling in love or at least (or better) falling into like. People coming together. Not literally. Though they can I guess.

And then there are the daemons. It's a nice idea. I'm curious to look up if that represents something specific for Pullman. There is his idea of death. And of course his anti-religious viewpoint. A lot of good stuff in this series. There is a similarity to CS Lewis. But it is better than Lewis.

Curious to see the movie now and then read his related books. His evolution stuff with the mulefa was well thought out. I kept expecting something to happen with those evil water birds. That and the evil priest (Gonzalez/Gomez?) almost didn't really serve a purpose. Almost something that could have been cut out.

But the birds taking a shit on the mulefa's settlement is the one thing that I very clearly remembered (and their seed wheels) from having read this so long ago. I must have been in a very strange place when I previously read this. I dimly recall sort of skim reading a lot of books; searching for I don't know what. Some vague thing that I guess doesn't exist. Though I certainly loved Jack Vance around that time.

Red as far as the eye could see.
Beautiful it was. But desolate.
Nothing growing. How could we eat?

Arcites and I walked onwards
On a path through the barren hills and cliffs
Avoiding deadends as best we could

Fretting about food
For we had walked for hours
And nothing green, nothing alive

Arcites said unto me let us work our way up higher
Through these hills
In cooler climes things may change to our advantage

Bleakly we continued. No sign of any life.
No sign of man, or creature. No tracks even.
Upwards we went.

From a high vantage we had a good view and finally found another human being
A young woman standing outside a cave far in the distance.
"Should we call to her?"
"She may frighten and run away. Let's sneak closer." said my companion.
"But that may truly scare her. For better or worse let us call to her now."

We did so. We called to her.
And she ran away.
We ran after. But soon she was lost to sight as our route to her had many obstacles.

We eventually reached to where she had been and then ran down a corridor between two cliffs the way she had gone. Sensing a trap I kept an eye above. "Look out! I shouted and Arcites narrowly avoided a rock the size of two fists from above.

On ahead we went, the path rising and then taking us to the top of the cliff. And there she sat.

""We mean you no harm!" I shouted.
She sat there and scowled.
"Then fuck off!"
Arcites spoke, "We are sorry dear lady. Please forgive us. It is so wonderful to see a pretty face after so long with my dour comrade here. Please let us speak with you. You have absolutely nothing to fear. Your apprehension is certainly understandable with the looks of my friend but truly we mean no harm. Certainly if my companion were to try anything I would defend you, though I think him better than that." 

I interrupted his speech, "Lady where are we and where can we find some food?"

"Fuck off creep." she replied.

"Please be quiet Nicolas. You are bothering this beautiful lady."

I decided to let Nicolas do the talking. He was obviously smitten by her. To me she appeared to have a perpetual scowl and had already tried to kill us once. Perhaps she had had past bad experiences. I couldn't say. In speaking with Nicolas she divulged that she knew nothing of this world either and had been here only a little longer than us. She said she knew of no food. Her name was Sara. We were getting hungry. More important than food was water. With her we now continued our search.

Almost immediately we then came across mushrooms growing in perpetual shade between the cliffs and crags.

"Could be poisonous. What do you think fair lady?" said Arcites.

Sara shrugged.

Canterbury Tales
First one, the Knights Tale. Two guys are both taken prisoner. Can't remember now if they were brothers.... They see a woman from afar and both fall madly in love. The one is released and eventually comes back incognito just to be close to this woman. The second finally escapes. And then they want to fight each other to the death over her. And there's this big stupid battle. The one wins but then falls off his horse and eventually dies. Emily wails for days over it. And I'm still trying to finish this boring tale. Lots of stuff about the planet gods, Mars, Venus, Saturn.

And goes on and on even describing the damn funeral. Who cares? And he says he won't tell us about a ton of stuff and in so doing is telling us about it. On and on. Is this humor?

"In Chaucer's story there are two heroes, who are practically indistinguishable from each other, and a heroine, who is merely a name. In the Italian poem it is possible to feel the interest in hero and heroine which is necessary if one is to be moved by a story. . . . In Chaucer's version, on the other hand, . . . it is hard to believe that anyone can sympathize with either hero or care which one wins Emelye." Yes.

Ridiculously long and boring speech at the end. 

I suppose love is usually exactly that stupid. I suppose kind of perfect actually. Makes about as much sense as my weird fascination with S, but part of that was like how I want to get the disabled pet from the animal shelter. Sadly same thing. And so I go after really crazy people. But a lot of it was her looks. Still the most attractive woman ever to me. Which is ridiculous. But just getting to be around her as a friend really kept me going in a way. And I suppose in a way the same is true of her sister though much less. Probably much less is a good thing. I guess. And they both managed to get themselves fired from where I work. They may not seem much alike but ultimately similar.

Anyway I was really hoping for something like the Telltale Lilac Bush. Hoping not all the stories are going on about Saturn and Mars and having big fights over women who barely get to even speak in the story. Except in this case to say she'd really rather not be with either. So there is that.

Tennis
Playing with Michael Chang OS graphite. stiffness rating 59 with NXT strung mains 47 crosses 43. Continuing to try to hit a Jack Sock forehand. Arm is OK so far.... Guess I had a lot of aces today against Qasim. Who can move well. Backhand is western/eastern backhand grip (heavy topspin backhand). Though I don't usually hit much topspin on it anyway. Will my arm stay OK?

Played 6'8" Drew last week. He won 7-5, 6-3. I could have played better no doubt. He played well though. Today against Qasim was first time I used Sock heavy topspin one hand forehand on ROS. Hit a lot of errors. Game was breaking down from being tired. Pulling away from ball, jerking/jumping. Meh. Despite extreme western grip.

Anyway though 2-6, 6-3 and won a tiebreak. One good thing is I'm moving decent thanks to 35 lb backpack on ellipitical.

Rereading The Dragon Masters by Jack Vance.
It's very unlikely I will ever write anything as good as this novella. And I would like to understand why. The villain is extremely 2D. Very stupid. One is inclined to think just not realistic at all. But, actually people in the real world are amazingly stupid. So much of the story is just this idiot's actions. And random war stuff. The dragons fighting each other and against the Basics. Vance's use of language. His style makes it work.
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Joaz Banbeck is the same hero as in all his sci fi. He comes across distant. And stoic. We actually have little idea about him. He has children. It's not clear who the mother/s is. His love interest is stupid and doesn't seem much like a mom, if she even is one. Possibly they practice bigamy. No idea. There is virtually no interaction that is more than summarized between Joaz and anyone but Ervis Carcolo (the villain) and the sacerdotes and Basic envoy. The meeting between Joaz's grandfather and the Basic many decades previous might as well have been Joaz. Same damn character.

And an award winning story.

I think the thing, the most important thing, of this and I suppose just about all other enjoyable stories, is that it's a whitewashed version of the reality of the human condition. So this way that reality is warped that makes it enjoyable to read about. It has seemed like it makes it irrelevant escapism. And though I enjoy reading, somehow I can't quite be serious about writing it. And as I instead make it realistic and relevant, I recognize that it becomes something that in this day and age at least, no one is really going to have any interest in reading.

So, I need to learn to not feel silly with irrelevant escapism. And I have often told myself that it is still of use to us in this here world. I do think that evil people don't read fiction stories. As one reads they recognize when they're acting like some ridiculous 2D villain. And escapism in and of itself is also essential anyway.

"This one looks almost ready!" The small red men gathered around the man hanging from the tree. His head was attached to a branch like an acorn would be. The branch sagged so that he was almost sitting. He was almost twice the size of the ten red men gathered all around. The one who spoke before started lightly slapping the sleeping man's face.

"Wake up. Hey, wake up!" he said. Gradually the hanging man opened his eyes and after a minute or two was finally able to focus.

"Do you remember where you came from?" The small red man asked.

"I.... I was in a hospital. What happened?"

"You died and went to heaven! Congratulations!" The red men laughed gleefully.

"I did? Is my wife here?"

"We probably ate her long ago." Said the leader of the red men as he stabbed his spear into the man's stomach. The man struggled frantically but he was still attached by the head. They held his arms and legs while they pried out his eyeballs.

"How do you like heaven?" Asked one of them with glee as the man screamed. They ate him alive, biting chunks off of him until he finally stopped struggling.

There was no one else ready to wake up today so they judged a few who might tomorrow and left them alone and then began cutting pieces off the less well formed ones. Then each by himself settled down to eat the raw flesh. There was nothing here to burn. They ate every little bit while they stared at each other.

A slightly larger one stared at the de facto leader as he chewed on a nose, a less savory morsel.

"What?" he said in challenge.

"Why you always tell them this heaven?"

"Cause it's fucking heaven, retard."

"I's wonder if not a joke, for real."

"Well, it's not hell. I didn't die and go to hell. I was as good as anyone else. Didn't do nothing anyone else didn't do. I had a right to be happy at least. That's all I did. For me this is heaven. Maybe not for him." he motioned at the morsel in his hand.

"It's a fucking joke." said another red man. "This isn't heaven. There is no killing in heaven."

"Speak for yourself pansy. Nothing wrong with eating meat. Can't eat meat without killing." said another man. "This world may not be heaven. But we can only do the best we can with what we got. Just like in the previous world, the strong survive. Kill or be killed."

Was reading Little, Big by John Crowley. Well written but too lovey dovey for me. I wonder if Crowley is gay. Don't know that I'll finish it. Instead have been reading Lord Valentine's Castle by Robert Silverberg. First book in Majipoor series. Not great. Silverberg was a prolific writer I've never gotten into. But I can just about tell when something is written by him. There is something about it. One thing I notice is that I keep expecting certain tropes and he keeps not doing them. There's a festival and everyone just has a good time. That's it. Nobody gets pickpocketed or murdered. And so on.

In other news my best friend outside of my wife got escorted from the building today. First her sister, my former close friend S, got fired many years ago. And now the same happens to her, B. I blame S. We are the people we associate with. She sent an ill advised text. It's the sort of thing S would do. She's trying to stay positive but it's really not a good thing. She had just gotten married and was trying to have a baby and was having fertility issues. Now she doesn't have health insurance to pay for the fertility issues. She's 38. Maybe this will mean she never has children. Also she has had nervous breakdowns before. Has been institutionalized before from manic episodes. I don't think that will happen now because I think having me and J as friends, plus now her husband will make a difference.

Ideally she wouldn't have been fired. This world continues to be this world though.

West of January by Dave Duncan. "Sci-fi". After rereading A Man of His Word series I was unhappy. A let down from leaving that world I suppose. Instead of continuing on tried something different. Liked it a lot. The beginning had a more serious tone than usual Duncan. Was really impressed. But eventually, despite the awful things that happened to him, it ended up feeling like his usual character who wasn't really affected by things somehow. Such as is normally the case in fantasy fiction/sci-fi. But then, it's fine line to walk when you're putting someone through such things while hoping the reader will keep turning the pages.

Anyway, starts with the Herdman who send the boys off on their own when they get armpit hair. They usually die. Adult male herdman have a ton of wives and except for rare traders/trades have no interaction with other herdmen except to fight to the death. Knoble leaves their with an "Angel". Then stays with the Seafolk for a while. Then a slave to the miners. Then sold to Traders. Then sold to a Spinster. Then saved by Angels. Stays with them quite a while. And then goes back to Herders and becomes their king while changing their way of life. Uses his power to destroy the slavery of the miners and that's that.

On the first day I awoke and found myself in a cave on a cliffside. I had no idea how I had come to be there. It was very dark and I stumbled and felt my way to the light. My body felt funny. But it was too dark to see. In the light of the entrance I examined myself and without a mirror at least I seemed to be the same. But I felt different somehow.

I was on the side of a steep cliff. Down below stretched a barren plain. It had no grass, no trees, no plant life at all that I could see. Just a reddish dirt and in the distance my view was obscured by a reddish mist. The wind blew rather hard across the cave entrance. There were no clouds in the sky and also no sun that I could see, yet there was light. I stared upwards trying to understand. It seemed different somehow. Was I in a vast cave?

No sun. No moon. No clouds. Just a uniform reddish light across the entire sky. If that was the sky.
The constant harsh wind suggested weather, suggested I was outside.

I sat for hours at the cliffside cave entrance thinking of what to do. And trying to remember how I had came to be here. I vaguely remembered being in an ambulance and then a hospital. The conclusion was obvious. Which was fine except for not being there for my two year old son. I did not want history to repeat itself with him. Thinking about it caused me anguish. Like me, he seemed different and would need someone with wisdom. I wanted to get back to him. But if I had died, I wouldn't get back.

It didn't appear to be much of a world. Very empty. Slightly ominous. But if I had died, it was a lot better than ceasing to exist. I pondered my options: explore the cave or climb down the cliff. I would have to eat. It seemed unlikely I would find food stumbling around in the dark cave. So I half climbed and half slid down the cliff to the barren plain. From my new this vantage I could see that this cliff stretched onwards to the left and right in an almost straight line. Climbing up higher than my cave looked to be impossible. I now wished I had examined the back of the cave to see if it ended.

I began walking to my left, keeping the cliff walls well in site and periodically looking back to the cave opening. It could prove to be the best shelter available and I was anxious I wouldn't be able to find it again.

It felt as if the plain to my left ought to be an ocean. Like the cliffs to my right were the result of millions of years of waves. To my right the ground did very gradually slope downward but there was no water in sight. The air was cool but not uncomfortable. I walked for a couple of hours before I finally saw something. It looked to be a person off in the distance. They seemed to be naked like me. I couldn't tell their gender from their stride. I walked briskly to catch up. And even began jogging. I appeared to be a skinny naked lady with red mid length wavy hair.

She was not more than 30 yards away very slowly carelessly wandering along when she finally saw me. She was startled and then looked in all directions as if to examine her options. Then she stared at me while walking backwards.

"Hello!" I shouted. "I certainly mean you no harm!"

She continued to walk backwards while staring at me.

"My name is Joble. Where are we?" I said.

She hesitated and then replied, "I'm Linda. I don't know."

I motioned at my naked body and hers and grinned sheepishly. "Haven't seen any clothes around I guess?"

"No.".

How long have you been here? What do you remember before coming here? Where shall we go?

Let's go our separate ways. - -- bewilderment. Why??? Is that a good idea? I mean you no harm.She is like crazy and wants nothing to do with him and starts screaming gibberish. This isn't the afterlife she wanted! He better stop pretending! She knows who he is. And he needs to get the hell away from her!

And then a roar far away. ..... A huge creature appears flying in the far distance. They stand frozen, very afraid. The roar it makes is terrible. "Stand still." They aren't sure if they should sprint for the cliffs. Get low to the ground or just stand still. It wasn't flying directly towards them at first but now veers towards them. Joble scans the cliffs and thinks he sees some shelter, maybe. I think we should sprint for the cliffs. Birds usually have extremely good eyesight. It's huge and I have a bad feeling about this.

....they run.

They survive. It's a horrible thing. But that's too soon.

The gods feed off of our happiness and our misery. We murder a billion animals every day with the main result to us being a lot more cancer and clogged arteries. This is the ultimate cosmic horror. The ultimate illogical action. Hell just for hell's sake.

If you wish to practice necromancy, start by opening a slaughter house. This will win some favor from the gods.

I have traveled all over and found nothing but these little vile creatures. I keep trying to watch the little bipedal reddish black creatures as there is clearly some structure to their actions. They must have some way to communicate. They are about half as tall as me with thin limbs though some are much taller and thicker than others. I watched a group of them ambush a huge boarlike creature, killing it with spears. They clearly can work together. But they mostly seem to just eat each other. I don't know how their numbers sustain. They always run from me, unless there's a lot of them. Then they have tried attacking me. I have grown less afraid of them as one popped up behind me and threw a spear at me and it just bounced off. I have had to kill some as a warning. Throwing them doesn't work great as they bounce right up and come back for more. As I've grown less cautious I have traveled farther and farther. I have found what I'm calling emotion zones. Certain areas that produce different mental feelings. Took a few days to figure it out and I worried for my sanity. But as long as I stay in the cliff cave my mood is fine, more or less. But I have found a place where it's quite hard to not fall asleep. Another where I was filled with rage. Another of melancholy. In a way it's exciting. I have felt this place quite empty. These areas suggest a level of complexity and order.

Yesterday I took two 'Mattios' as I will call them, because they remind me of a hateful short person I had a slight aquaintance to, to the sleep zone. Just held one each by their neck while they waved their arms and hissed and spitted at me. They fell asleep before me and I laid them down and left. The next I came back and found them gone without a trace. Perhaps I will have to try again and see if they do eventually wake up. I suppose I can do such experiments with each zone. Not sure what this will accomplish but it's something to do. And I will keep exploring.

Glass Houses
Freedom? from a bad situation? Night time. Now have magical powers. Running through the night. Where did I come from?
It's dark. Medieval.
Where did I leave?
Have I always been here?
Where do I want to go?
Is there injustice?
Is this just the presentation of magic?
Magic is in the air. All have come out to sing and dance.

The words and actual singing don't matter. But are kind of necessary all the same. Something must be there for them to play off.

You're doing something. Maybe it hardly matters what. But in doing whatever it is you're doing, you come to this place. A place where you must be careful. Where lots of creatures of magic are everywhere. You have to ...avoid them? You are running through the night. Running and running. Creatures occasionally pop out at you through the ...fog? You duck, you swerve. Do you kill them? You kill the skeletons that come for you.

Some things though you just outrun. Some you have to kill. When it's time to sleep, you find a place to hide. You hear them still all around. It's like you have to be quiet with your thoughts while sleeping. You explode out of your sleeping place outpacing the large creature that had settled down nearby. You run some more. You walk. Because you can't run forever. Or can you? You walk but ready to swing your sword at any moment. Ready to run at any moment. And often you have to. It's always night here.

I was a human from earth. I must have died. I was very suddenly sick and then I awake here. All the same body parts of a human but I think freakishly strong and I guess what a human would consider a monster. I have left behind a 3 year old on earth who really needed me. That is driving me crazy. I guess I might never see him again. I don't know. And I had so little time with him. He was my time machine. I couldn't change my past but I could give him the life I should have had. And no, I die when he was only three. What will his life be like now? I try to tell myself it will probably be OK. It looks like he's going to be better looking than me and he's quite intelligent. And any average person or even none at all would be better than the parents I had. He will probably be fine. I tried to fill the first 3 years of his life with happiness. That matters I'm sure, though he may not remember me. I hope to see him again someday.

But except for that extremely important thing I don't mind my situation now, though it could be called hellish. I'm alone. I live in a cliff cave. The only other sentient creatures appear to be entirely evil. I am though incredibly strong compared to them. In fact if 100 ambushed me I might still survive. They are small. They don't have any special weapons. But they have plenty of hate. They like to impale their own kind. Also cannibals. I'm a terrible monster to them I'm sure. No doubt they want me dead. My great worry is that they will destroy my source of food. It may not have occurred to them or possibly they don't even know how. They are quite stupid. They don't even have fire. It is a massive kind of tree. Incredibly beautiful and even has both edible fruit and nuts. I mostly store the nuts and eat the fruit for now. It seems to sustain my huge body and strength.

This world is strangely reddish mostly. A reddish dirt. A reddish fog. I am bone white with skin almost as tough as stone. It yields slightly to the touch and then no more. There is no soft spot anywhere. This world could be seen as a hell. I have no idea what purpose I could possibly serve here and why in the world I am uniquely here, the only of my kind.

I eat fruit. I watch the dark demonic imps down on the red plain. I sing songs to myself trying to remember how they went. And I try to remember the happiness of the past few years.

Now I know there is a life after death for surely I have died. There are "gods". There is magic. And I am stronger than all those around me.

But I am alone. Surrounded only by creatures as different from me as they could possibly be.

I doubt my sanity. Maybe I am a lone crazed hermit. How could it be that I alone am so different?

I found myself laying on the ground looking up at the roof of a cave. Not far to my left there was light from the sunlite world. I was close enough to the entrance that it wasn't really dark. It was slightly cool.

I realized that the sensation of my body was somehow very different. I was almost afraid to understand how but eventually as I became more awake I flexed my hands. There are things we don't notice about how our body feels until it's no longer there to feel. The stretch of my tendons and skin was absent. That stretch I think is a large part of how you tell how your hands are positioned. It was gone yet I could still tell how my hands were and when I was moving them.

In position did anything feel like it was stretching. I could hold any position without any effort. And again, you don't realize the difference here between the usual very very slight effort that one normally feels and no effort at all until you experience it.




Absolutely nothing but a skeleton. No muscle. No sinew. This filled me with terror. Was the afterlife that of a rotting corpse? Yet I could move. I could lift my hands despite no biceps. I could sit up despite no stomach muscles. I dared not feel for eyes. But I could see. I realized I had no tongue. No lips. And this especially distressed me. I could not speak.

But I felt something. Something beyond that of a skeleton. And though I had no lungs I felt some kind of ebb and flow like that of breath. I tried to concentrate on it. It reminded me of the ocean. Something vast and eternal.

I tried to control it and found I couldn't.

o tongue. No lips.And I could feel myself in some sense. I felt something beyond my skeleton.

But having no tongue. No lips. with a bone white ultra tough skin. So tough and hard I thought at first I might be an exoskeleton like an insect or crab. But when I flex my muscles they move beneath my skin. Seemingly very large and strong. My muscles seem are different but they ultimately protrude more than they did in my previous life.


So I capture one. I hide behind some rocks and it runs by coming or going from some errand that I cannot discern. When it's ten feet away I jump up. It sees me and runs. But it hits its top speed in a second. I just keep going faster and faster and snatch it up. It's more a problem of stopping my bulk and changing directions. Takes a second or two. It tries to bite during this time and I see it can't even bite through my tough skin. I think I could crush it with one hand. I take it back to my cave in the cliff and put it in a hole from which it appears it cannot escape. There it scowls at me with a look intelligent malevolence.

"Can you speak?" I rumble in my extremely deep voice. No response. Continues to stare with a look of hatred.

"I'm sorry that I have captured you. I will let you go once we have spoken some. I must know, why are your kind so mean to one another? Why do you torture and eat each other?" I continues to just state with hatred. I think I may start to get annoyed about that.

I throw fruit and edible flowers in the pit. It ignores them. For three days it eats nothing and just states hate. I wonder if it's a carnivore. I will not kill for it.

Here in my cliff care my mood swings greatly from day to day. I watch these little bipedal black creatures do horrible things to one another on the plain and I see how precarious my position is. The trees I eat fruit from barely can support me. I only get liquid from the fruit and it seems to never rain. They must get water from underground I assume. I hope.

I am completely alone.

But my existence has continued after death. And I must admit being the only one like me strangely has made my happy. In life I recall that when young it made me happy that I was different. But that quickly got old. I wonder if this is the same. The only difference being I'm seemingly a lot more different. In life I worried about being fired. Now I worry about a mob of these black creatures attacking me. Not terribly different.

I decide to capture a second black creature and see close up how it interacts with it's fellow. I decide to call them imps. The capture goes just like the first. The new imps look at each other with suspicion for a moment but then both just return to looking at me.

Did the tunnel to Morgantown in 99 minutes and 30 seconds. First time in top gear. Thinking to maybe just go to Star City though. Which would make it 26 miles. Just a hybrid almost mountain bike.

No soreness at all. The lack of eccentric motion is nice. Doesn't wear me out as much and definitely is better for tennis.

The Land Across by Gene Wolfe.
Guy goes to some dictatorial slavic country to write a travel book and gets his passport taken away from him and forced to live with a couple as a "prisoner". Every woman in the book is decent looking and sleeps with him, which is a sort of fantasy fiction. Too much intrigue to bother trying to follow. Really not possible to follow actually. Was interesting enough to keep my attention but not a great writing by any means. Not his best book. So much of what Wolfe writes is a bit overly whimsical. Like there are no rules to world. Things just randomly wander off in directions at a moments notice.

But at least it had a plot. Borges just goes on a bit longwinded without a plot at all. Here and there Wolfe has written some excellent stuff.

Tlon, Uqbar... by Borges. Went on a bit much about the philosophy of this imaginary world. It could be said it's far less true of Borges than others but it's still true that you have an idea and you pad it severely. And in this case with spin-offs from useless establishment philosophy. Or not. It may be going over my head.

The idea of the fictitious creation affecting our own world is a nice idea I've very much had on my own. If only I believed it.

Read the Sorcerer's House, The Fifth Head of Cereberus and Peace by Gene Wolfe. Looks like I'm working through all his books. Not sure I entirely approve of how he conceals things from the reader through his unreliable narrators. But I do love a lot that he does.

Peace I guess starts with the guy dying. Though you don't realize it. The rest is him as a ghost. I guess he killed this woman that he really liked. I think she pulled a gun on him concerning a non-existent treasure. And he ended up killing her. Except there really was a treasure I guess. Though that's far far from clear.

Fifth Head is very dark. Maddening how a few clues are thrown in. I guess the alien takes over his body. But I'm think the alien doesn't even know he has done so? Anyway they perhaps realize this? Or do they still think the aliens have gone extinct? I don't know.

Sorcerer's House was relatively light hearted by comparison. I'm not sure if Emlyn and (Yinyan) are a different set of twins of George and Bax when younger...???? No. Maybe an alternate reality. May have to look that one up.

So much crap. So changed a bunch of things again. Added weight to racquet. Back over 12 ounces for the Wilson Hammer System. Strung mains at 48/49 and crosses at 44/48. Trying to keep arm pretty straight on serve. Not serving very good. Now hitting backhand with Santoro grip. But also hitting a lot of backhand slice with same two hand grip. And forehand slice two hand like Santoro. Same grip. But then finally a lot of one hand forehand with western grip.

Rode bike all the way from Fairmont to Morgantown. 23 miles. I'm an idiot though and did it while thinking my bike was a 7 speed. When it's actually a 21 speed. So I was spinning those pedals and only doing 6 minutes miles, lol. I am a very stupid man.

This biking though is really improving my tennis. Really strengthened my legs. Not getting so tired now. Not at all. Beat Qasim 6-4, 6-2 tonight. Wore him down a bit. Even though my 1HFH fell apart it was good to begin and got ragged. Started open my shoulders too soon. Not in sync with racquet swing I think. Serve really nothing special either but ultimately I was still playing pretty good. Doing all the little things. Getting into position better for shots. Not hitting stupid errors on my backhand, etc.

Biking is hugely important to playing good tennis. Took me many years to figure that out. I'm not terribly intelligent. Provided I'm not comparing myself to others.

Arm I worry is close to hurting. Possibly trying to bend my elbow more on the serve. Perhaps leaning on handlebars....

Played in 4? USTA tournaments. This last one I lost in the first round but to a very good player. My main issue with my play was I had such a wimpy serve. That's why I've added weight back to the racquet. Although not making a meaningful difference I think. Also had local annual league tournament. Lost in semifinals to Cooke who is increasingly a bit of an ass. "Catty" is the word that comes to mind. Played in doubles final with Chang. He's 66. He really enjoyed it. Lost 8-6 in finals. He had fun. It was OK I guess. Though my serve fell apart at end and got broke.

They eat and kill each other. It's a short brutal existence for humanoids. I have not seen them eat anything but each other. Which should mean they should die out... Yet their number does not decrease. There is abundant fruit here. Dragonfruit mainly. I'm not sure how long a diet of just fruit is good for me but I actually feel quite good on it. I observe from a safe distance. They have chased me a few times. But I very easily outdistanced them. I just worry about ambush or being caught at night.

So I sleep high on the edge of what I call the streamfall. They never come near it. It's loud but not exactly to the ears. I found that when I was running from them. They repeatedly stopped chasing as I neared it. So I found a crevice high up the side of it. There I could kick anyone who tried to follow; though no one comes anywhere near that close. They won't come anywhere near it. It's deafening but in a nice way somehow. It soothes me. I hear the screams of everything in it.

I'm taller. Bigger then them. Could probably win easily in a one on one fight. They aren't much for cooperation.

I eat my fruit. There's nothing else though to do here. I'm so lonely.

So it's been for a long time now and I guess I shall go exploring. There are areas where instead of a reddish tinge to the air, it's more of a thick red fog. I can explore in those directions. But I could be ambushed. I could come upon something I can't outrun.

I suppose I have an exoskeleton. This means I'm like an insect. And that is horrible to me. It's nice to touch your skin and have it yield. Mine doesn't. I'm solid. My face is solid as stone.

I always hated spiders. But I'm bipedal. Not like a spider at all. It's all those legs in a circle around a center that bothered me greatly. Never minded centipedes. Liked crickets and grasshoppers. And my face is like a human face. Everything in the usual place. A nose. A mouth and so on. I can speak. I chew and swallow. I speak and can sing. But no facial expressions. And I feel as if my emotions are not what they should be.

I hum a lot though. I can't frown. But I can hum in a minor key.

In my past life I once loved stoicism. Then I came to not think much of it. This exoskeleton is a sort of stoicism. I feel strong. I'm a bit unemotional. I suspect I'll be just fine out in the red fog. Still I try to be cautious. From a distance I see humanoid creatures being eaten alive every day. This isn't Kansas.

I hum a tune from another world. Trying to hold on to what once was. Not that it was so great. I mainly think about the negatives. How badly I had been treated. In particular by T. Who I suppose I had loved. Though I never thought of it like that back then.

It had been a cold world without love. But from it I still remembered the idea. I remembered the music. I remembered I had loved.

And so now I tried to remember the music. And I tried to imagine a future where I found her and things were how they so easily could have been.

I don't really know what this body is capable of. I seem quite fast. Quite agile. And strong. At least when punching rocks it doesn't even hurt. But I don't know what's out there. I could just be a snack for something.

There is a swamp with a water plant. It was on Earth. Or something similar. Papyrus? Not certain the name. I remember the ancient Eyptians made paper with it. And there are berries to make a sort of ink with. And I write this account of my existence. Though I expect it will never be read.Or at least I will certainly never benefit from it.

As to no benefit I think there is a great beauty in doing something to benefit others where I will not benefit. I want to believe there will be others. I want to believe I'm a part of something. I want my existence to matter in some way. Even if I die before others benefit. I want to believe in a life after death.

B got married yesterday and that's great. Found a good guy. I was worried she never would. Only 60 came to the wedding. 105 RSVP'd. Which is incredibly rude IMO. 60 is precariously close to being a very negative thing considering the time and money that was put into the wedding. Makes me sick that such a good person has so few good friends. Like half that did come left right after the ceremony.

S, her sister, was there drinking heavily and having a great time, ignoring me. Two plus years and hasn't apologized oo even spoken to me. It bothers me. Not like it once did but, think it's just weird and so wrong. Hope to never be in the same room as her again. I guess. Though an apology would be better. But people never apologize. And she's a really fucked up person. She can't admit to a mistake. Highly misanthropic. Her speech was "uncomfortable". Has a way about her like Ellen DeGeneres and she was being "funny" but not really. Getting married after nine months isn't that big a deal.

Well anyway, there's just a dishonesty to it. Being there with her with nothing being said. I really dislike that. Hope to not see her again. Though.... I just don't understand why people would leave things like this.

Because they demonize. I just don't have it in me to think so little of others so easily so I can't seem to hold on to an understanding of it.

....just really upsetting because to be friends for 7 years and then be cut off without even speaking to them seems so evil. I understand she's a fucked up person. That's the sort I befriend. And this is the sort of thing then that I get for my doing so. She always had serious issues. I'm hardly missing out on anything. Just seeing her reminds me how fucked up a thing that is to do to someone. If only she was a drug addict I could just dismiss her. That at least I can dismiss and I suppose that's usually tied into such ugly behavior. But not in this case.

Perhaps she had the hots for me and she thinks this is better than admitting such things to a married man.

Just so wrong to cut someone off you've been friends with for almost a decade without even speaking to them. Sociopathic. And why why why is the world like this? Why are there so many people like this?

Trying to play a lot of tennis tournaments while I can. Played three so far and entered both open and 35's for all three. Maybe that's not entirely fair to enter both. Some tournaments won't let you. Anyway this last tournament I had to quit halfway through my 4th match of the day. I was close to passing out from the heat. I was getting confused. And I had drank close to a gallon of water. But I just couldn't get my body cool enough.

I guess I could have put more ice in the two half gallon mini coolers. The water was barely cool that I was drinking before my last match. I suppose in the future I could just lug a whole cooler around filled with ice and wrap a towel soaked in it over me too at the changeover...?

So I quit against someone I was far better than. And then two days later I played again and quit far sooner. I just can't drink enough water to keep up with how much I'm sweating. And my sweating isn't cooling me down enough. In the future I guess for one I will not enter both the open and 35s. Maybe not entirely far anyway. Though today I had to quit and it wasn't a tournament and I had only been playing for 70 minutes (45 of which were just doubles). Additionally I could just bring a whole cooler with a soaked towel. I guess.

And I guess I can do more running to hopefully get a little better at cooling down. But all this sweating.. it's a constant struggle to maintain adequate hydration day after day. Worried I will have a kidney stone attack as a result of getting dehydrated. Because I simply sweat faster than I can absorb more water.

I didn't used to have such issues. This is old I guess.

I'm winning more matches than I'm losing but the competition has not been very good. Have lost 4 matches. Once because of heat. And three times because of good players. A great pusher. An older guy with a great serve. And another guy who was just all around a good player. I needed to be more aggressive against him. In general I'm not aggressive like I once was. I like it going in every time. But I don't hit enough winners.

Happiest I've been with my tennis today in a long time. Added a bit of lead tape at 12 o clock and serve was much better. Had a bunch of aces in winning 8-4 versus a guy who beat me the couple times we played two years ago. Additionally I felt like my agility was much better. Not sure if that's because of the 5 sets I played in the NM tournament or possibly the climbing machine. Just played a double continental. Mostly slice 2hforehand. Didn't even bother much with one handed. Really doubt it makes me any better. And pretty flat backhand. I really want to make the grip switch like Pancho Segura did with hitting a 2hbh on dominant side but I figure I should practice with a ball machine some first.

Won the 35 and over division but there was only one other guy in it... Hope to play at least 5 total tournaments this summer. So far have won 5 and lost 3. Not that that means anything at all.

There was something else but I don't remember now.

Love this time of year. Just getting dark at 9pm. So verdant outside. Bamboo grove is getting huge. Stupid deer eating all my pond plants. Having a son is so wonderful I worry it's a dream I will wake up from.

Playing better tennis I think. Whoopee. Hitting one hand heavy topspin forehands (western) with a closed stance and starting to feel confident it's going to go in. Beat that 6'8" guy who made the finals of the Fitzwater 6-3, 6-1. Bending knees on my serve now somewhat (not perfectly consistently, depends on ball toss) thanks to climbing machine that I really like.

I can say now with certainty that chocolate has played a huge role in my creativity. I say this with some shame. I hate to think my creativity depends on such a thing. But, I didn't touch the stuff for years because of headaches issues and my creativity pretty much disappeared. I have tentatively brought it back. Just a bit here and there (while avoiding all other headache triggers) and my mind is just running off on all kinds of flights of fancy. Like it once did. Though I'll never eat it as much as I once did. Too much creativity may be dangerous.

So I read Planet Narnia followed by all but the last half of the last battle. It didn't ultimately make me a writer. Maybe I should take up smoking? Now reading Assassin's Fate by Robin Hobb. It's quite good. Looks like it's going to tie everything up. Bringing a lot of stuff together. Hasn't made me cry though.

Played in a tennis tournament a minute from home in mens open and 35 and up. Had a good time. Played four pro set matches. Two easy wins and then played respectable in losing to two good players. Didn't have enough offense. Have been trying to hit a one hand forehand. Meh. Switched grips since tournament to berasetegui(sp). That way I can really take a rip without feeling tentative. ROS two handed though. Would really like to hit one hand backhand also but perhaps I should wait a bit on that. Hit some terrible shots here and there with it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Started occasionally eating chocolate again. I'm a bit of a different person when I do. Just once every 2 to 3 days. The effect is long lasting. It's a drug. Supposedly reduces AFIB risk.

Continuing sternum issues. Last two nights slept on my back and it felt a bit better in the morning. (only bothers a little really in the morn lately). They say it doesn't matter how you sleep. I think they're wrong.

Feeling really good otherwise. Trying to go for a job after son goes to bed. Making sure to hit some hills without breathing hard. Love this time of year. The good weather. The sun up for 15 hours. The verdancy. My bamboo grove getting really big. This is the longest I've ever gone in my life without having someone treat me badly. I mean, actively. Certainly there are evil people who should be apologizing for what they've done who instead I have nothing to do with. But no one is actively actually doing anything ugly to me. It won't last I suppose. Well maybe it's a perk of getting old. People won't go after me as much. Perhaps I don't trigger their issues as much. Now I'm just some old person. Though certainly there are people I try to be nice to who aren't remotely nice in return. But whatever to them.

For instance, Colin White on facebook. It says he read the message. He never responded. Just weird. Kenny Koay. He has 168 friends. He didn't accept my friend request. ???? Hannah Hinton I guess doesn't want to play tennis with me. Why that is I couldn't say. That's little stuff. There is of course still Sarah N. Still basically her sister is like my best friend other than Jo. Still Sarah doesn't speak to me and I can't imagine her ever admitting she's wrong and I guess it's best to just stay away from such a person. Though I suspect she just couldn't stand how much she wanted me, lol. Maybe not. I don't know. She has such serious issues.

I think chocolate really fueled my creativity for years. But I worry I'm really playing with fire. I plan on eating chocolate chip cookies tomorrow for breakfast.

Things I wish I had known when I was 10:
1. Hit a forehand with your arm straight and don't pull your head up. Latch on to Dr. White, kiss up to Greg Patrick, so on. Kiss up hard to other adults as your own parents won't do anything for you.
2. Most running should be done without breathing hard. Breath hard like every 5 to 7 days.
3. Best to run at night. Don't bother eating afterwards unless the exercise was anaerobic.
4. Anaerobic exercise is what's giving you insomnia.
5. Stop eating meat. You don't need it to be strong. And you already know it's unethical.
6. Stop trying to bulk up/get huge. 210 pounds is plenty. Perhaps you're just doing this in response to being bullied and / or not getting anywhere with the chicks. The first reason is very sad. The second is dorky. And there's no magical way to get crazy strong. Arthur Lydiard had it right. Short of PEDs you max out within a couple months at most.
7. Try being a bit less idealistic. People aren't going to be honest with you. They don't even know how to be honest with themselves. They aren't going to discuss their differences and come to reasonable agreements / learn from one another. They mostly just start fights.
8. Instead of approaching dating like a game where the goal is to get someone to like you, ask yourself: do you actually like this person?

Really though I had no chance ultimately. I've often thought back about what I would change concerning the bigger more important stuff and there is nothing I could have done that was legal. I needed different parents to have any chance at all. I suppose I should have found some decent adult and latched on to them. Told them how bad my home situation was. But even that... who would that have been...??? Maybe Dr. White. No one else comes to mind.

But I wasn't smart enough for that. Instead of trying to change my situation I tried to make the best of it. Making the best of it I guess for me seemed to include not facing what it really was. Of course changing it would have been just about impossible anyway. Really I had no chance at all. I was thrown out into it without any chance and I was lucky to survive. I wish though I had understood better how ill prepared I was thanks to what my home life was though. I think the resulting humility would have been good.

So I think the weighted back pack made my sternum separate a bit. Slight discomfort when yawning. Lots of cracking, etc when rolling over in the recliner. Sent a message to surgeon about getting an x-ray. It's tolerable I guess but pretty sure it hasn't completely healed. Hope it gets better than this. Though I never notice it with running or tennis.

I broke that kinetic racquet. Reflexively through when getting very frustrated with unforced errors when play Jay (winning ugly) C. He kept hitting a high bouncing junk ball to my backhand. Previously I handled it fine but in the tournament I kept hitting unforced errors on it (so of course he just kept hitting the same junk.) I eventually figured it out but by then I had lost the first set 6-2. And broke my racquet. Not a premeditated throw. Hate it when I see pro's purposely break their racquet.

Occurred to me to keep my arm straight and then maybe I can hit a one hand forehand without injury. Have been doing that for a couple weeks and haven't had arm issues. For the heck of it I also switched to a very light oversized racquet. Hammer system thing. Weighs a little less than 11 ounces. Until I add a grip which means it's very headlight anyway. Plenty of power with it. Hitting too many unforced errors with one hand forehand so far. But liking it for now. And hitting ROS two handed. Also really practicing one hand backhand. Secret is to not use wrist. Hope to eventually really use it in matches. With the exception of the two hand forehand slice, one handed feels better. At least when hitting topspin.

Oh what else. Getting pretty bored talking about tennis. Rereading Chron of Narnia. I do believe Planet Narnia is true but I don't think it's a really big deal. Lewis was a good author. I loved these books as a kid. Of course someone could write the same today (and assuming they weren't already a well known, prolific writer and cambridge professor) and they probably wouldn't get published.

I still vaguely think of writing.

Started playing MTG with Bekah and her fiance. Since perhaps September of 2016. Finally put together a good standard deck. White mono for standard. Won 5 out of 9 in local tournament and really should have won 6 out of 9 at least in terms of how good the deck was. And of course I put it together entirely on my own, didn't look it up online.

So whatever to that, kind of silly. But you know, such is life. Think I could have really loved it when I was about 12. I will continue to play it. Though I suspect I'll eventually get a tad bored. And I can't imagine ever playing Modern. Far, far, far more cerebral than other card games. Possibly too cerebral. Too time consuming. If you're not just copying a deck.

With the "loose ball bearing racquet". The kinetic? Oversized, extra long racquet. With it I've been playing very well. Using a double continental grip and trying to serve kind of like McEnroe. Beat Ron something 6-0, 6-3, 4-2. Previously I've always won but our matches have been much closer. He gets everything back. And today beat Drew the 6'8" high schooler, 6-3, 6-1. We had played 4 times previously and he won each time, including 6-1. 6-0, 6-0 the previous time. So I'm playing really well now. People are having a really hard time breaking my serve. Drew did once in almost 3 sets. Ron the same I think. Feel like my forehand is nothing. But it's working. Lots of slice. Lots of drop shots. Along with hitting it flat. Controlling the horizontal really well. And my agility is improving. Using elliptical with a weighted pack.

Worried my arm is going to start hurting. Feel the slightest hint of the beginning of that. Not sure if it's the racquet or the elliptical plus tennis plus hitting a one hand forehand exclusively for a while. Or a bit of all three... May stop using arms on elliptical for a while.

And then it just feels too random and I stop writing. The inconsistency is not an issue. Just the aimlessness.

Reread Islington's book The Shadow of what was lost. Throughout I remembered what was going to happen just shortly before it happened. A decent book. Again Malshash losing it is what sticks out the most. Already can't remember the main character's name. Torr and..... he's just a forgettable guy. Sort of like Harry Potter with less adversity even. Just forgettable. Caeden is better in that he has lost his memory and memory is interesting to me.

Book 2 comes out in a few months.

Now reading Planet Narnia where Michael Ward talks about how Lewis thought you had to be enjoying it on a subconscious level. That there had to be stuff going on that you didn't realize was going on. Stuff that Lewis didn't tell anyone was going on. Unconscious, Enjoyment, Contemplation.
Astrology/Astronomy back in the middle ages. 7 stars that moved around while all the others stayed in the same place. In a time without light pollution when every saw the Milky Way. How I wish there were laws against light pollution. 12 hours a day there it was. So brilliant. Everyone thought it mattered. Had an effect. The Beautiful Heavens. Now mostly just ignored. Barely visible anyway. And science has taken all the magic out of it.

And that anyway it wasn't the random hodgepodge that critics claimed it was. It was very much not random. And that interests me very much at the moment. I always discard. Never come close to finishing anything.

Played Jay C very close. With a 11.3 ounce racquet and trying to hit a Nadal forehand he beat me 6-2, 6-0. Despite me serving pretty well. Slower pace but first serve percentage like 60% at least. With the Precision Equipe I did beat the owner 6-1, 6-3. I think Jay C has been improving though. I then played Hannah H, the girl who should have gone pro. Really think she could have been top ten. But injury. Anyway previously with the oversized dunlop we split sets, this time with much lighter racquet she crushed me 6-1, 6-0, 5-0. Worried she won't play me again... :( Switched back to oversized Dunlop and played Jay C 6-7, 4-2. Also switched to double continental grip. Repeatedly I've had success with double continental. So going to stick with it though it feels awkward on forehand. But it works. Lots of slices. Some drop shots.

And then used that weird "loose ball bearing" racquet. Can't remember name at moment. 1# problem with it is that I could only find one. Well others cost $259. Used it with John McEnroe serve style and it was the best I've ever served. Kicking it out to the right, slicing it to the left. Nice power. Decent number of aces. The slice out wide on deuce court especially effective. And for once getting it up the middle decently. But it's lighter than the Dunlop and not quite as good on groundstrokes. So.. shall see. May add some weight to it. Or take some away on Dunlop and see if that helps my serve. It's just too heavy to handle well on the serve, though great for two handed shots.

First I went back to the end of the hall to check on all the people. The door still stood open, still quite broken as I had left it. Everyone inside was still asleep. Every single one. All sleeping quite hard. I wandered the house a bit. First trying all the doors as I went back up the hall. All locked. At the end of the hall were circular stairs only going downward. All was beautifully engraved and varnished wood. Downstairs I found a large room with an empty fireplace and many chairs and couches. Many books that I longed to read for some understanding of where I was. But I heard what sounded like food cooking through a door at the other side of the room. I found her in a large kitchen all alone having breakfast. Like all other rooms the windows were very high up showing only the sky with sunshine lighting up the room. She was eating fruit and fried potatoes. More simmered on the stove.

With no preamble she said, "It's only temporary you know. I haven't figured out what else to do but obviously this isn't a permanent situation."

"How much of each day do they spend sleeping?"

"About half the day."

"And then what?"

"They play games. Card games. Drink wine. Play music. Dance. They are happy."

"They never remember? They never care that they don't?" I asked.

"No. Never."

"So is it the fruit or the whatever that brought them here is or this just some really bad inconsistent writing?"

"Now you've ruined everything!"

"Wanna fuck?" I asked.

"It's like Lewis' Devil on Venus. What weapons do you have? Let's put out bait and a trap for this beast."

"What could be bait?"

"I could."

The house was massive and we the two of us went through the rooms together looking for supplies. I found a shovel quite easily. The hard part would be some kind of tarp, or blankets. I would make a pit with just a very narrow walkway and platform in the middle where I would wait. The beast would fall in when it came for me. I would cover it with a thin layer of topsoil with grass.

There was no wheel barrow but there were baskets. There was this house which I ought to give an interesting description but somehow don't feel like thinking in that direction. That's a paucity of creativity I supposes. And the real reason why I've failed. Baskets, shovels, ropes. It would take a good bit of work and would only fool a dumb animal.

"Lady what is your name and why haven't I ever asked before now?"

"My name is Sybel. And although you aren't like the others. You are still somewhat affected I think. Does it just now seem strange to you that you never asked before?"

"I'm not sure." I mused. "It just now occurred to me it's the sort of thing one asks when first meeting someone. But perhaps I've never thought names really matter."

"Can the others help?" I asked. "Do they come outside?"

"I'm sure they can dig and transport the dirt." Sybel said.

"....and what is my name I wonder?"

I go down the hall to see them. They are all just laying around. I walk right up to a young lady and forcefully make eye contact until she finally gradually focuses on me.

"Hello! What is your name?"

She smiles sweetly, "I don't know."

"My god how terrible to not remember your name!" I exclaim.

She laughs, "No. It's fine."

"If you forget everything, it's pointless to do anything. Existence is pointless! How could that be fine?"

She laughs again, "Oh aren't you an impressive philosopher. Come sit with me and philosophize about philosophy."

I take a deep breath. "I'm going to call you Sunny. How's that? Can you remember your new name?"

"Oh perhaps. Why Sunny?" she asks.

"You have blond hair and you're so happy. Do you even remember that your hair is blond?"

She snorts and grabs a bit of her hair and looks at it and giggles.

"Do you remember how to poop and pee or does someone have to come and clean you?"

"You're questions are a lot of work." she replied.

"Stop bothering her!" yelled the Lady who had snuck up behind me. "What are you trying to accomplish talking to them like that?"

"Because forgetting isn't the answer," I say.

"How would you know? You are no different than her. Or have you remembered something?" she asked. "None of them ever have."

And yet again I lost to Jay C. This time quite bad 6-2, 6-0. But I didn't play very bad. Somehow he won 9 games in a row though. I wish I had it on tape... My first serve percentage was probably 65% which is extremely high for me. The much lighter racquet I think made a difference. Although I also wonder about how I've changed my serve. Leaning backwards like Becker, Sampras or say Thiem for example do. And then spinning into the court so that I can control the horizontal direction based mostly on how much I spin.

Also I did my new western forehand grip against him. But unlike the owner, he would hit it at my forehand on the serve, which it's a big ole looping swing. Could return serve well with it. After that I thought it was decent. But on the serve I think I want to return two handed.

My serve was really good but Jay C has an incredible ROS. Kept slicing it right at my feet. Never got any free points. And his serve was quite good. Very high first serve percentage. Hitting it to my forehand or out very wide to the backhand. Just far enough out that I couldn't quite catch it good.

He just played great. And actually the forehand needs work. Was pulling my head away early. And then a bit tentative with trying to make sure not to pull my head away. And again ROS issues. But we were both running all over the place. Lots of long points. Both serving great. Probably entertaining to watch. Game score just looked like a blow out.

This was with racquet (Prince Precision Equipe, 90's racquet 28 inch) strung at only 42 with NRG. Going to try tomorrow at 37 against a very easy opponent. Will be able to practice my ROS like Fabrice. And then switching to like Sock/Nadal beyond ROS. Got to keep my head down on that forehand.

Arm feels great.

I beat the westview owner 6-1,6-3. I used a Prince  Precision.28 inch. Only about 11.2 ounces. Had been using a 13 ounce racquet so it was super light. Exclusively hit a one handed forehand today for the first time in a couple years. Western grip. Played really well. My serve was actually much better which was surprising. Thought a heavy racquet especially helped the serve. But also I was trying to get my back to the court and really turn into the serve. Hitting decent topspin on two handed backhand also, semiwestern grip (equivalent). Best I've served in a long time.

Really have missed having a heavy topspin one handed forehand. My arm feels great. So far.

Also best my agility has been in a long time. Twice a week or so I jump as high as I can and then run for about a minute and repeat for 20 or so minutes. Have done this maybe 5 times now. Yesterday I went to a basketball court and did this and barely managed to touch the rim. Which is pitiful, I guess. Though I am 44 now. But feeling good. May manage to improve. A few more decent years perhaps. It feels good to have more muscle in my legs and be able to move fast and all that. It gives me happiness. Couch potatoes just don't get that. It's about feeling good. Not looking good. Well, mostly.

Read Hardcourt Confidential by Patrick McEnroe. Not very much technical tennis info in it. A bit about court surfaces. And a few other odds and ends about string tension, etc. Went on way too much about Davis Cup. Kind of boring. But I read it kind of ravenously.

Also rereading Islington as I completely forgot the book. That's the main point of this diary. To keep track of what I read. Now that I'm reading it I somewhat remember things but only right before they happen. My previous summary did not ring a bell at all. Hard to explain. The wizards in this world are treated like shit. Can't use magic to defend themselves at all or harm others. Have devices put on them also that stop them from using magic most of the time. Also sensors can tell if they use magic and it's somewhat of a wizard holocaust.... The hero is an Augur. He can (mostly) tell when people lie. All of his kind except him were killed.

I tried to remember back to the first thing since I had come here.

I remembered climbing up the hill with Natasha. It was very steep going. Easy to slip and fall. Loose dirt. Grabbing for weeds that might pull loose. I helped Natasha who didn't seem happy about needing my help. The sun shone down on us and we were really sweating. So we went for quite a while. But I couldn't really remember how long. An hour? All morning? Was it morning? But we slowly worked our way upwards until we made it to the top where we quickly found plenty of shade and the trees with so much large hanging fruit. We were very thirsty and it seems obvious that we should eat the fruit. But it was different than any fruit I had seen before and I wondered if it was edible.

But what was before Natasha? What was before the hill? Why did we decide to climb up it? I should ask Natasha what she remembers... 

I thought more and it seemed as if my memory was vague until we reached the fruit trees. Climbing the hill with her almost had a dreamlike quality. In order for us all to not realize we didn't remember, we would have to have false memories put in the holes and then also be made to feel as if looking to close didn't matter. This suggested something omnipotent, something that could control our very thoughts. Yet, why make it so that I could realize that something was wrong? 

I flexed and felt my muscles. They weren't insubstantial though it seemed mainly that my hands and wrists were really strong. I was much taller and stronger than the people huddled and shivering together in that room. And I had no bodyfat to speak of. I tried flexed my wrists trying to see if there were certain movements that they were stronger at but I couldn't tell.

I didn't trust the lady and finally took the blanket, pillow and sword and laid down still fully dressed with my feet against the door. I wondered if I had loved someone and forgotten them. Surely I must have had parents. How awful to forget whoever had loved me, if anyone. I may have been an unloved homeless orphan for all I knew. Had my life been very hard or full of friends and happiness? Wouldn't the one versus the other leave some kind of mark on me despite not actually remembering it? I seemed to be something of a stoic which would suggest I had had a hard life. Since here I hadn't smiled. I hadn't displayed any humor. But maybe that was understandable given this strange situation. Being stoic here was perfect. But I hadn't seemed to understand entirely how strange the situation was.

I awoke with the sun shining through the high window. I had slept very well which was surprising. But I suppose I had had a very mentally and physically hard day. No one had disturbed me. I quickly got up. Should I take the sword with me? I decided to leave it behind and first ask so as to not frighten the lady. She had left me alone in the night. She had even left a sword in the room with me.