No really this time I did figure it out. The australian grip. That's the key. Like Steffi Graf.

Watched Smoke Signals the movie and cried because of the whole father abandoning son like was done to me. Also very sick today.

Blocked oldest "friend" today for saying something so unbelievably vile to me I would have punched him in the face if it wasn't online. Can't even write it. Instead will say it was similar to how he mocks his younger brother who clearly has some kind of I guess undiagnosed mental illness. Hasn't had a job in decades and he says he's just lazy. Very adversarial relationship and I think he can't admit there is something wrong because of his vile brother. He was the only one there for me to play with as a kid. And my morals dictate I can't drop people. But probably an IQ or 90. Never read a book. Gay basher. Etc. Has no ability to understand and show empathy for others.

He is the person who could have made such a difference in his younger brother's life. Instead he's been a total asshole to him. The brother is 40. Has no friends. Lives with parents. Hasn't had a job in 20 years. And he just mocks him and calls him lazy. He isn't on drugs which would usually be the case. He just really has something wrong. His older brother has been a relative success in comparison. He could have helped him. Instead total asshole. And of course the younger brother now hates him with a passion. Wouldn't be surprised if they ended up killing each other.

Why was I nice to this guy for 40 years? Because I pitied him. He is pitiful. Physically pitiful. Mentally pitiful.

This was a problem in my life. My pity. Pity is no basis for a friendship. But I'm not someone who drops people.

My parents should have simply done something when I was little. Actively helped me find people to be friends with and steered me away from this only person my age within walking distance. But of course there is so much they should have done. Unfortunately they are stupid. They basically fed me and gave me a place to sleep and I was otherwise left to either figure everything else out or not.

And that's just not possible. No one can figure it all out. Children need adult figures who have a bit of wisdom and try to teach them. I was surrounded by idiots.

It won't be turned around in this life for me. I do need to move. But even if I do, to somewhere with intelligent people I probably won't make friends with anyone. I have a few friends here who are at least nice. But for my son's sake we need to move soon though. He is my time machine. I can't do anything about my life but I can give him a real chance.