As to piano I became unhappy with forgetting past pieces. So I have refreshed Rachmaninoff c sharp prelude, chopin funeral march and reremembering Beethoven's 19th and Gladiolus Rag...and Beethoven's7th 2nd movement. Along with continuing to play the 5 Bach pieces I learned and trying to find time to learn Chopin nocturnes and maintain canon in d, Pathetique 2nd movement. Etc
Along with Really learning the technical details of some synthesizer stuff and having two small children. So not enough time.

Put aside John Field for now and little to no meaningful time spent sight reading.

And I still have friends who want to do stuff together.

My nephew wanted to borrow a few musical instruments. By chance I also gave him my microbrute. Which is a hardware analog synth. I have that and also an ensoniq esq and casio cz 101 but I never really did much with them. I had one piece i did with a hardware synth. I think the ensoniq...? It was good but I lost interest. I did make ten hours with soft synths.

I gave it to him and it stimulated my interest. I wanted to mess around with the microbrute's sequencer. I never hardly had before. It was an impulse buy while I was very sick. One of the first affordable analog synths. But it sounds very dirty, brutish. Not "warm" or "organic". Cold and metalic and just rough. But with the sequencer going fast (and perhaps a good reverb pedal) could still make something nice.

So while he had it for 3 weeks or so I wondered and watched some videos. I have it back now. And I have a much better understanding of how to use it finally. Reverb pedal should arrive today.

But it's really quite limited. Monophonic. Only one LFO. I actually downloaded a couple apps to try to get a second LFO. (It's semi-modular.) But they don't work great. It's so limited I got to thinking about buying another. Maybe even a eurorack.

But as opposed to spending thousands I recall I had all kinds of free soft synths that could do tons and tons of stuff. And analog is mostly kind of harsh anyway it seems.

So time permitting I want to go back to softsynths. I want to use some from way back along with a few new. I want to really learn how to use Crystal, which as hardware would probably be 2 grand at least. I want to improve my understanding of Synth1. Also want to get better at synth drums.

I got away from it because electronic music isn't so great for live performance. But for live the only things that really give harmony plus melody like I want are guitar and keyboards. And I just prefer keyboards. They can look a bit goofy live but that's what I prefer. And you certainly can play a softsynth with a keyboard controller. So what the hell.

I can sit around pleasantly strumming a guitar. And ok that's nice. But I still would like to make Skinny Puppy /Download type music and I would like to be able to make just about any sound using a synth, not clicking through presets.

And I'd like to make decent drums. It's something I failed at previously. I don't like to give up.

10.18.19
B2p no1 2:55
Memorized no13 1st page HS

11.1.19
Ok so in less than 20 days I have b2part 1,4 and 13 decently well memorized. Just need to gain speed. Not sure how long that will take. Trying to play them at least 3 times each every day. Which takes 30 minutes now.
Bach air on g is half memorized. Frustratingly slow. Can't break it down or chunk it up. Really want to get on to field nocturne 1 which appears far easier.
Haven't been sight reading. No time. I should make time. Ought to sight read field nocturne 1 even though i already memorized the first page HS.

Reading The Long War series by AJ Smith. The Lovecraftian monsters are nice. I like Randall and the Gorlan mother. It's ok.

If I didn't previously mention it Lilith by Geirge Macdonald is good. Need to finish it. Ought to be a tv show or something. It's up there with Lewis. Surprised i never hear much about Macdonald.

And Senlin series by Josiah Bancroft is good. Vaguely steampunkish. Nice main character. Nice characters in general. Awaiting book 4.

10.6.19
Bach 2 part no1. 5:15. 4:59
Learn 1, 4 and 8 first. Really want to get some Bach down.

Beethoven sonata 8 1st movement 2nd half of second page.
Bass bflatx3 then aflatx3 then dflatx1 eflat x1

10.10.19
Bach 2 part no1 3:58
Started 4

10.11 19
Bach 2 part no1 3:31
No4 ran through but not much at end
Started 13 (much harder)

10.12.19
No4 4:10
No13 3 measures in lol
Started greensleeves

10.13.19
B2part no1 3:03
Memorized 1st page greensleeves
B2part no4 3:35
B2part no13 is a bitch. Probably need a ton of HS. But if I can ever play it without looking at my hands I think my playing will greatly improve in general. Have gone through first page now.
Bach 2 part instead of Czerny for last 8 days.

So I have really been sight reading consistently for only two months. I guess it's been pretty good. Lots of improvement. Happy with what I've done with Bach two parts in only 8 days. Might learn all 15...?
Maintaining canon in D, pathetique 2nd movement. Memorizing Greensleeves and then air on g which is much harder. Would like to keep those 4 in my memory eventually. Then perhaps some Chopin of Pathetique 1st movement.

Figured out recliner causes right leg sciatica. While sleeping flat causes bad sleep due to back aching in the night. Inversion machine seems to maybe remedy this I think...

Running consistently gives me slight sciatica. So not doing much running.

9.18.19
Switching to 50/50 sight reading/ memorizing per discussion where pretty much everyone said memorizing is just as much an improvable skill. This instead of scales and then just sight reading. Was up to f sharp major on contrary scales. Still an hour a day. Wife won't allow longer. Still Czerny 30 to ...47 or so. Over and over.

9.26.19
A month of sight reading for an hour a day really helped my ability to learn memorize repertoire. Canon in D and Pathetique 2nd are both good except for occasional pause in last couple lines. Mostly memorized first page of Pathetique 1st movement 1st page in two days and quickly moving through 2nd page. Also relearning Rach c sharp prelude ending.
Need to keep up with Czerny 599 some every day considering how much it helped. Wow. Put aside scales and my etude for a bit.

9/30/19
I feel very humble thanks to piano playing being my main hobby / interest. I really have a whole lot of nothing much going on while also not really being very good yet at piano.

The people who have forsaken me, I am not feeling moral outrage about anymore, because I'm not much of anyone. Perfectly understandable they wouldn't want to associate with me. This of course goes beyond the piano.

I wish I had been playing for an hour minimum daily from a young age. So nice to just play piano and not bother with people.

LOW B12!!!!!
14. 4(43m?) 0 0 6(69m) 0 4(43m) 0-14
Last one did 6.8mph vs 4.5mph per mile. Feeling better with b12 going up.
15. ??? 2 and????
16. 8mi@0.2 (2hr) 4hr sleep 2hr nap, 3mi@1.0 (26:45) good run, 2hr runs really makes a difference - 11 (Friday) 8mi@.5 (2hr) last 20 min @.7° and last 10 @4.1mph
17. 3.2mi in 27:35@1.0° yay! But motherboard gave out. 8.4mi in 120m@.7° 7 hrs sleep-11.6 sleep not ideal
18. 7.5mi in 90@1.0°. 8.4mi in 115@1.0°. Way too hard. Maybe wore out from previous. -15.9
19.

Actually missed a day of work because I overdid the last run so bad. Pretty stupid. I have no patience. Need to ease up.

9.4.19 few days into 1/5 interval etude 8 wrote. Frustrated. 45 pieces into 599 but really need work. It's going to really take a while. Hawth can play twinkle and c major scale. Working on g major. Trying to start HT and note names.
8.30.19 frustrated. Long run maybe makes harder. Contrary is harder.
8.28.19 all 12 scales but need work. Contrary is even harder.
8.22.19 frustration, impatience. Op599 pg 13
8.18.19 up to 10 scales but really have mistakes on some. Like f#major. Added arps. Just C to start. And octave scales/arps and 8th/5th scales. Clearly improving at sight reading with metronome but it's slow. 599 will take many months but I will be so much better eventually. Patience. Hawthy is getting hang of C scale 1 octave each hand. Started twinkle today. Playing about 7 minutes a day. Me about 8 hours a week.
8/11/19 czerny op 599. Practical method for beginners. Treating myself like beginner. Using metronome. Sight reading. Patience. Humility. Will go through all 59 pages. Also up to 7 major scales.
8/10/19: already feeling quite frustrated with not looking. No discernible improvement from day to day. Bought czerny book.
8/5/19: added scales, trills, sight reading/not looking

Autobiography of Tony Iommi followed by auto of Ozzy Osbourne. The second because I was curious about a different POV for the same events. And indeed. Tony leaves out things like spending some time in prison. Ozzy in general is way more forthcoming. Tells a lot of negative things about himself. Beating his wives. Constantly cheating. Extreme cruelty to animals.

I got into Tony's first because he just seemed interesting in interviews. But not terribly so actually. But hearing about both's childhoods in England was interesting. Best part for both is before they were famous.

Same with previous autobiography of Joe Jackson. A much more intelligent guy who made music that really wasn't as good. Interesting childhood in england though. And Steppin Out and a few other really good songs. Interesting thought about Eye music and how classical music took a wrong turn. But now pop music certainly has also.

Really liked The Urth of the New Sun. Think it should have been part of Book of the New Sun but Wolfe wanted it separate I guess. First part takes place on a spaceship. Then he is "judged". It's really quite strange and works just right. Saving the world type books are so hard to end well.

The Art of Playing the Pianoforte by Cary Czerny. On a Czerny kick. His nocturnes are underrated. Learning op 599. Sightreading it with metronome. Read this and partially many others. Also lots of articles online. Developed my own technique practice. Scales and arps done many ways followed by trilling exercise. Then sightreading with metronome. No less than an hour. Closer to 2 on weekends.

Revisting Perelandra. For ideas for my friends sparse story about Samael, Lilith and Adam. The world is just so empty. How to make other than a very short story? Looking at the conversations between Ransom and the Green Lady.

It's funny that there could be disagreement over something as fundamental as looking at your hands for piano. Some very good players feel very strongly that it doesn't matter. Look at your hands if you want to. I have been I think very unfortunately influenced by them. I have finally decided to very consciously not look at my hands. I will try not to think about being 46 when finally deciding this. I don't like needing my eyes constantly going all over the place and I think it's limiting me. I suppose my memorization could be a lot better. And if it was it would be somewhat less of an issue. But even I have two hands. Perhaps I need to get better at just staring inbetween the two instead of whichever is doing the harder part. But I prefer to just learn to play without looking.

I actually wrote a learning exercise last night called "blind jumps". It's thirds, 4ths,  5ths, 6ths and 8ths going up to two octave jumps.

My routine:
All 12 major scales. Both hands. Just two octaves. This is something I have neglected that I need to get better at.
Trills. Just ten seconds for each combo.
The blind jumps exercise.
Sight reading.
Going back over old repertoire while not looking at hands.
Maybe some new.

I have almost completely neglected technique exercises and sight reading up till now. Not sure why in the last few weeks I suddenly care. I haven't eaten sweets in 38 days. Maybe this has caused some subtle change. Previously I ate them everyday. Sometimes to excess.

I recently suddenly love Chopin nocturnes. It caused me to search and see if there's anything else I suddenly love. Chopin etudes are nice. I seem to feel the same about everything else. Maybe learning his Funeral march is what did it.

In other news Hawth and I moved to the tree room. Always loved this room. He is finally got the attention span somewhat for real movies. Watched gremlins and now raiders of lost ark.

Also I'm forcing him to play the piano. Just 5 minutes a day. Trying to get him to enjoy the process of improving. Which he clearly is so far everyday.

1. 0 0 0 4 0 0 6 -10
2. 4 0 0 8 0 4 4.5 -20
3. 5 5.6 6.3 1 9 0 6 -33
4. 6 8 5 1 5 5 8 -38
Started intervals.
5. 0 5 1 5.4 0 5 0 -16
6. 3 3 3 0 3 4 3-19 (20min@9mm)
Easy intervals 10 min pace 4/2s
7. 3 3 1 0 3 0 3.2 -13.2 (sick)
Insomnia issues. Cutting back.
8. 4.2 0 t 5(54m6/2) - 9.2
6/2s 231lbs
9. 5.6 (58m) (terrible insomnia) 0 0 1.5 0 3 (32.20m) (moderate (5.5 here with 7.0 last 90 secs) once every 6 or 5 days, the rest at about 60% of mile current best) i have greatly improved my ability to play singles in 90 degree heat. Now gentle prods, not tortuous pokes. 0 0 -10 Hurt back again. No tennis.
10. 0 3e 0 4.5 (48m) 1e 0 3e - 11.5
11. 1e 5.6 (59.40m) 0 0 0 6.2 (66m) ugh .7 -13.5 (bw down to 228. No sweets since july 1st. Now 7.20.19)
12. .5 0 5.5 (54:06m) .5 0 0 5.5 (60m)-12 last run was awful. previous felt good. Just about passed out at the end. Truly a torturous poke. Don't know why i felt so terrible. But i should have recognized i did and taken it easy.
13. 4e 0 1(7:43m) 2e 0 3(32m) -10
LOW B12!!!!!
14. 4(43m?) 0 0 6(69m)

It's not going well. Hoping it will get better as my b12 level goes up. Down to 226. That I guess is slowing me down too. Haven't eaten sweets in 38 days. Maybe lost 4 pounds. I guess almost a pound a week is fine...

Friendship test I made up to avoid wasting time on someone who will eventually do something ugly to you. 
Give +1, 0, -1 or -5 for positive, neutral/unknown, negative or extreme negative. Stay away from people with a total score in the negatives. You can know people for years and never really know the answers to some of these questions but you
 can still get a good idea. If nothing else it can help with closure with past failed relationships.

1. Empathy/understanding Do they understand you? Do they understand others? Or do they misjudge? Are they quick to condemn?
2. Openness/honesty. Do they communicate well? Do they tell you what they're thinking? Do they admit negative things about themselves?
Do they keep from you what they're thinking? Do you feel like you need to read their mind? Do they refuse to talk about things? Do they actively lie?
3. Ethics. Do they seem only concerned about themselves? Do they just offer right up some crappy thing they did without understanding it was wrong?
4.  Intelligence/knowledge. Do they read books? Do they use google? Are they curious about the world? Do they like to learn new things?
5. Can they ever change their mind? Apologize? Admit they were wrong?

You can figure out #1, their empathy/understanding, by getting them to talk about others. Not necessarily nasty gossip about mutual acquaintances. Can be just someone in the news, speculating about their possible motives.

For #2 of course some people are great at lying but this is just as much about how open they are in general. Do they just really talk to you about all the stuff they're thinking? Do they ever admit to anything negative about themselves? If definitely yes,

they get a +1. If definitely no, they get a -1 even if they never actually lie. An additional issue here is people are unlikely to be open at first. Sometimes you're just ready to open up before they are. Don't be too quick to give them a negative score.

#3 can seem difficult to determine in that people hide the ugly unethical stuff they do. But just see if in general they show any concern for what you're feeling. Any concern for your happiness. You don't have to be a detective concerning their past but if they tell you they did something that sounds pretty bad in passing, don't let it pass. Question them about it.

J Seabolt 1. -1 2. -1 3. 0 4. 0 5. 0=-2
N Bula 1. -1 2. -1 3. -1 4. 0 5. 0=-3
B Pan 1. 1 2. 1 3. 1 4. 0 5. 0=3
J Sher 1. .5 2. 1 3. 1 4. 1 5. 1=4.5
S Nord 1. -5 2. 0 3. 0 4. 0 5. -1=-6
Donna H 1. 1? 2. 1 3. 1 4. -1 5. 0=2
J Simon 1. 1 2. 1 3. 1 4. 1 5. 1 =5
J Smith 1? -1 0 1 ? = 1??
T Joshi -5 1 1 0 -5= -8

1. Evil is within us. It's a good idea to keep this mind in order to try to check yourself from accidentally slipping into some unfortunate behaviour. Often it's happening on a mostly subconscious level so you really need to be somewhat introspective.

Jealousy. Passive aggressive behavior (i was just being funny!). Objectifying women (the goal isn't to make them like you so you can have sex with them). Recognizing the real motivation behind your actions (i just want to show them I'm better than them). Etc. We all do negative crap without realizing it. Keep an eye on yourself.

2. There are some people who are really quite terrible to others. This is generally because they have failed quite badly at the previous point.  They will for example dislike someone because they are jealous of their good looks and happiness. But they want to think good thoughts about themselves and recognizing that they're being jealous would make that difficult. So they convince themselves that there is some other legitimate reason why this person deserves to be treated badly. For example they will decide the person is a narcissist.

Be wary in particular of people who seem to think that of others (that others are narcissists). It seems to be the default when someone really wants to dislike someone and they can't come up with anything better.

Some people have inferiority complexes. They will be consumed with feeling that someone else is better than them. That other may be very easygoing and nice yet in their mind any interaction with them is a competition where the goal is to make themselves look good and/or the other person look bad. This can lead to all kinds of bizarre behavior. Meanwhile they may be nice to someone else who they don't feel inferior to.

3. If someone treats you good that doesn't mean they treat everyone good. They may just find it in their personal interest at that time to have you on their good side. They might be treating others terribly at the same time. And. Tomorrow they may start treating you terribly too. Pay attention to what others think of them and for that matter, what they think of others. Because you don't want to waste years of your life on someone who ultimately is going to turn on you.

4. Dishonesty: Good lord but there's a lot of it going around. Don't be annoyed if some woman dumps you without explanation. Women are the physically weaker sex and this means they are more afraid of what might happen if they tell some guy the truth. They might just not want to date anymore because the guy has a little penis. I'm sure some women have honestly told a guy that and been beaten to death for it. They might not actually even know why. Just have some subconscious feeling if wrongness.

It is understandable to be highly annoyed if you were dating or friends with someone for many years and they just drop you without explanation. Please never be that person. People do such things mainly because they lack self awareness. They don't know why. Or they are jealous and convince themselves it's some other reason. That you did something so terrible you don't deserve an explanation. Or whatever. People are amazing at convincing themselves of things that make them the good person and you the bad.

5. Sometimes doing the right thing means going against the crowd or against someone who has some power over you. For example both my biological mother and father are now married to people who want them to have nothing to do with you. This is highly immoral. And both are weaklings who do as they're told. Why exactly for each is complicated but ultimately they are weaklings.

It's important to understand that to really be a good person there are times when you are going to have to be strong. When doing the right thing will mean people getting angry with you.

6. People can pass on their genes better if they commit adultery or just jump from partner to partner. The mindset it takes to do this isn't so great. Such people lack self awareness in so many ways and they do pass on their genes more than others. Their children usually have the same issues. And so it goes.

7. Often you will get this man who believes that he is in charge and everyone else in the family must be obedient to him. For every such man you will find a simpering women who only exists to please him and do as she's told.

Both disgust me. As such men couldn't exist without such women to support their "reign". I believe in equality. And so I have always liked "strong" women.

But the difference between a strong woman and a bossy or bitchy woman can be hard to see. So I have often had relationships with "bossy" woman. But I'm not actually a person that can be bossed around. So i have had quickly failed relationships.

Sociopaths. Someone said everything is a competition to them. A longtime friend it seems claim to believe.

.
Journey. First scientists halfway change you to something absurd. Then 3 witches take a piece of your heart and release you.
...
Time line straight to hell. Make any demon apologize to change the course if the world.
.....
Have to like on both levels for ut to work.
conscious level and the animal level.
....
Some women really really hate that they are physically weaker than men. So much that it constantly colors their interpretation of the world. With a perfectly nice man they feel as if the threat of violence still hangs in the air. And they hate men for it. And they must show men they can hurt them too. But they can't show by flexing their muscles. They have to actually hurt the man in order to show their "equality". So they try to hurt a man who loves them with the silent treatment, or by lying, manipulating, trying to create jealousy, etc. And they don't feel as if this behavior is unethical. They feel they're just putting things on even terms. If the man objects, that just means the man can't stand things being equal.

They usually don't realize any of this is going on in their head. It bothers some of them so much that they really prefer to just be alone.
.
Happy about the damage you've caused. 22 years later? Excellent.
.
Because i can't physically hurt you and you can me. Because I'm angry about that. I will hurt you in this lesser way without really reflecting on how unethical what I'm doing is.

Us women aren't as physically strong. We must do these other things. While you aren't actually doing anything at all because physical violence is against the law. Still in my mind you hold the threat of it over my head.
....
Possession for 20 years.
.....
Contraption around penis that can cut it off. Left there for a decade.
...
Men who believe in gender equality are more likely to feel moral outrage towards women. They are more likely to commit violence against women. They are more likely to commit suicide.
.....
Giving birth to and raising a child kind of sucks. It's really not good for your body. Women used to regularly die during the process and even today it really causes lots of physical issues. Caring for this baby then means sleep deprivation for years (and only the women has breast milk so of course she ends up with the majority of the work).
What really drives this home is actually having one. The little things are 24/7 care. Wave goodbye to any kind of life. And then they grow up and at best, see you at Christmas!

Yes. Creating a human being is amazing. But risking your life giving birth, sleep deprivation for years, struggling to not just end up raising a sociopath? It 's not terribly logical to want to be a baby making machine.

And yet, without them that's the end of the human race. So why are we still reproducing? Because women, generally speaking, are a bit less logical. Simple evolution. The logical ones clearly have fewer children. To an extent the IQ of both men and women is kept down. But just like men have more muscle mass and height, women generally speaking are a bit less logical. They still have good vocabularies and score the same on IQ tests that when they were made in the first place were calibrated to ensure they will do about as good on. And there are plenty of exceptions. But generally speaking thus life unfortunately is.

And when they feel moral outrage (which they were a bit more likely to arrive to by faulty reasoning) the kind of actions they want to commit are generally legal. Unlike men who want to go kill people they instead want to spread nasty untrue gossip. They want to spread jealousy. They want to lie. They want to ghost someone because of an untrue rumor they heard and so on. They want to destroy your reputation in the workplace. And beyond the fact that it's not illegal, it just feels like no big deal to tell a nasty lie, while committing violence is something that will hang over your head for the rest of your life.

Because their actions are legal they are far far more likely to go right ahead and do them. Because they are legal, they're far less likely to get into any trouble for it and we don't have any statistics about women telling really harmful lies to compare against murder rates. And so then men can be maligned more than women. Men are 20 times more likely to commit murder. They're good at violence. And there aren't any statistics kept about drama created because of jealousy, lies and manipulation.

When a man is morally outraged at another man they can kill or not kill each other. When a women is morally outraged at another woman they can both lie and manipulate everyone involved or not. But when it's a man and a woman, the man in modern society (provided he's not a violent idiot) is at a disadvantage. And the end result is a suicide rate for men that is 4 times higher than for women.

Because in order to perpetuate the species they have to be less logical. Because their unethical behavior is legal.

As a man you can either be a sexist and expect illogical behavior and hope that you get lucky and find an exception. Or you can believe in perfect equality and get a nasty surprise over and over again, where you feel perpetually morally outraged at what they did and you can't do anything in return.

You can dismiss most of them as illogical and free to perform unethical legal acts or you can spend your life morally outraged.

And a lot of them are really unhappy that they're the ones who have babies and have breast milk. And aren't as strong physically. And make less money, etc. A lot of women are just angry in general. So they illogically take it out on some poor fool who as it so happens is lonely and alas heterosexual and believes in gender equality. So let's treat that potential rapist like shit. Let's lie. Let's ghost.
And again. And again. And again.

Men who believe in gender equality are more likely to commit suicide.

.....
Men commit violence, which is illegal. Women try to hurt by acts that are generally legal. Both are fueled by moral outrage. Sometimes feeling moral outrage is justified sometimes it really isn't. When as a result you want to do something violent, you generally stop yourself. When it comes more natural to commit hurt in a legal manner, you're more likely to go ahead and do it.
.....
There is a certain portion of the population that when they feel moral outrage, they want to commit violence. There is another portion that instead cause hurt by legal means (lies, manipulation, etc). The one group is far less likely to implement their actions because they're illegal yet they are disproportionately maligned because they're actions result in court convictions. Meanwhile the target of legal violence is 4 times more likely to commit suicide. 8 times more likely after divorce.
......
Two couples. One where the woman is always yelling at the man and acting like she hates him. Though he thinks it's just an act and she has to be humored, like she's part animal. The other where the couple are actual equals and get along fine.
.....
Women who want children don't want free thinkers. To raise their baby they want security and throughout history the key to security was to be an accepted part of the community/village. And the key to that is conforming.

And women who don't want children still find the exact same things attractive generally speaking because that's what our gene pool has become. The women who really didn't want a conformist have been far less likely to successfully raise children.

And for this same underlying biological reason women are less likely to be freethinkers. Community matters more to them. Fitting in matters more. It takes a village to raise a child.

Otoh Men in general don't care if the women is successful. They don't care if they're a conformist or very unusual. Finding as many different women attractive as possible is what best increases their chances to pass on their genes. Beyond having sex they might successfully spread their genes better be abandoning their family and finding another women, etc.

And at least compared to women men are more freethinking. There is less subconscious concern about the raising of children. They don't care that it takes a village to raise a child. Of course for their own sake they still conform. Just slightly less than women.

.......
Things have broken down. Women no longer need men. And they no longer feel like they have to have children. So, many are quite happy to instead just live alone.

Men aren't happy being alone. And a lot of them do want families. 100 years ago that would have happened for them and now instead it's not.

A lot of women who feel this way are really quite rude to the men that they assume are interested in them. Many are subconsciously rejecting being a homemaker and giving birth to babies in how they treat men. Some man is perfectly polite and the woman ghosts him and laughs about it.

And this plays a role in the 4 times higher suicide rate. Along with men just being more violent in general. And unable to express their feelings to anyone except a woman SO.

.........
She immediately began attacking me again. Trying to force me to do what she wanted.

"Why would you do such an awful thing?"

"Look. Just go away. I don't want anything to do with you. What you're doing isn't going to change anything."

"I just want to know why. Everything seemed fine and then you just disappeared."

....nonsense response.
...........

The Knowing
Everything is made clear. How your actions affected others. And what they were going through that affected their actions. For every moment of your life. Perfect memory will return and you will know. Avoid crowds?

One man for every 5 women in "polite" society. Or one man out of five considered acceptable to women. Because they reject everything that isn't extremely "normal". Because they want winners. Meanwhile men want to not be alone. The rejected men kill others and themselves. Themselves at 4 times the rate of women. Others at 20 times the rate of women.

The self proclaimed savior. It's not revenge. It's to save us all.

It's not me. It's we. I see through the fake smiles. We're miserable. I must destroy the social order for the sake of all. What happened to me personally is irrelevant and i was not effected by it at all.

S nord, w sites, j sea, d kelly, r carlyle, l cooper, m mccombe: the six witches. Captured. Comically declare him evil.

The girl who doesn't know she's writing romance fiction, who has no beta readers.

Change the time sequence for evan kime muto tennis fb message and add.....

Losing ian anthony is like the witch eating gretel is like the mom marrying the evil stepfather

Spending time with people, creative endeavors, playing musical instruments, running, tennis... you get the majority of your fulfillment, productive output, and/or improvement in the first hour for that day. Diminishing returns beyond that.  So it's not so terrible to spend an hour with your family, run for an hour, play music for an hour and write for an hour everyday.

Rewrite archetypal stories like wolfe does

Brothers grimm archetypes live on in modern settings

Character begins every conversation with a untrue accusation and a threat.

Most people are partials

A song called i wasn't there. A story called I wasn't there.

I want justice like a murdered child.

A man seeks to remember things he's forgotten

Destroyed potentials

The battlefield of creation vs the battlefield of murder. Birth vs murder. Women vs men. Manipulation vs physical violence.

The logistics of justice

Expand Johnny comes marching home.

The more fun someone is, the less likely they're a good person.

There's a kind of brief teleportation. Just for a few minutes at dusk. I usually go to the giant sequoias. But I could go lots of places. I can also go to the past. That can surely be dangerous though. Once I went to my own far past. But time paradoxes and for that matter, what could i have really done?

The perfect book should be a kind of masturbatory fantasy. The MC overcomes adversity again and again. Perhaps not too dark. But not paper tigers. He brushes off the stuff done to him. And he must have an understanding of people in order to overcome. Make everything a metaphor. Teleportation is routine but not expressly mentioned.

Trying to do something amazing really just to prove how special you are, how they were wrong to treat you so, means that you are filled with the desire for a kind of revenge.

Eternity, perfect memory and justice.
If so, why not gods that influence our thoughts? The holocaust and so on...

The stress of coherent thought when nearing sleep.

I think it's funny when people do something to their appearance to be different. Purple hair or whatever. If you really were different, you'd be doing your best to hide it. People who actually are different in a substantive way know better than to go around advertising it.

It's ok to be different, as long as your differences are completely superficial.

I have been unfairly misjudged 99% of the time.

She's imprinted on my soul.

The last of a genocided race.

Almost everyone acts like they're a good person in the beginning.

Reaching and reaching for what will never be.

Women. They kind of have to have a basically vapid pleasant demeanor to enjoy getting their cooch routinely pounded and then popping out babies.

Women have a herd mentality.

Correlate iq and friends
Correlate friends and online group participation
Correlate iq and online group participation

Ten mysteries
1. The statue with the strange inscription in the overgrown garden.
2. Unable to remember his past. There are hints. (It was mostly horrible and mostly good he doesn't remember. One other does remember but has mercy and doesn't tell him.) They're nearly immortal.
3. Good deed that goes unacknowledged finally helps someone hundreds of pages later.
4. Sorcerer's let demon inhabit them that will eventually take over their bodies.
5. Mysteries around magic

Raw spinach (squeaky mouth) followed by wine.

I see magic. Huge potentials that will never be realized. I must accept that always it has been so.

The mythic gathering. Revealed in the afterlife? 50 people? 1000? The reaper? Overlaps? One reaper for multiple gatherings?

Partial people.

Women's ugliness is generally legal while men's is physical violence. When it's legal you do it more and have less awareness that it's even wrong.

Judging others. Do they ever seem introspective? Ever admit to having faults.

The key to eating less is finding  stimulation from other things.

The alpha male wants to be loved by everyone. He cannot tolerate injustice.

One sleeps without sex by remembering that dreams are sacred. They are when we are transported to another world.

As i abstain from sex of any kind i increasingly turn to alpha male thinking. Attempts to be the alpha male. I don't want to just let anything go. I want justice more and more. But justice for me! I want those who have wronged me to truly apologize. I want them to understand that they were wrong. That i am good. But being good i think is in my mind a part of being the alpha. And I have to establish that I'm the alpha. The longer without, the more important it becomes. 

Those that you truly believe have wronged you can be transformed and made yours in the next world.

It's the subconsciously sadistic. They enjoy hurting others though they won't admit this to themselves. They make it ok by convincing themselves the person deserved it. They do this with terribly illogical reasoning. Reasoning so terrible you wonder how they can hold down a job and successfully make it to work. But the thing they only

The subconsciously sadistic have two kinds of thinking: the terrible illogic that they use to justify treating others viciously and that which they use to successfully keep their job, make it to work each day and so on. They lack adequate self awareness to realize what they're doing.

Stuck between the evil and the stupid.

Not enough people. Not enough smart people. Wasted my time on intellectual duds.

I previously wrote that 3 miles in 20:59 on a treadmill in Feb 2014 was a huge PB and that's not true. Actually my 21:40 for a 5k race is a pace of 6:59 and that's better than the same pace on a treadmill at only 1% incline. And I did that pretty much on just running twice a week. But it seems for some reason I calculated that as a 7:13 pace. Was it because the race distance wasn't measured correctly and I went with what my garmin said? Possibily. Even if was really 7:13 and not 6:59, the 7:13 is just as good as any other run and I actually never broke that for a 5k from way back in 2012. And I'm pretty sure I really preferred just running twice a week. And then I did 16 miles in 2:27 as "10/2s"?? I was running for ten minutes straight? Pretty decent run. Including a first mile in 7:50???? In December 2011 I did multiple 2:40/50 16 miles with very short intervals (2:30/1:25????!)And a "6/2" for 12 miles in 1:48. It's no wonder I did a downhill half in 1:48 back then that summer of 2012. I probably would have done it faster as an interval workout..There were a lot of really long runs with shorter intervals. I know that wore out my knee and even beyond that I think eventually burned me out. Also some silliness with 5 pound weights in each hand. Also a 4/2 for 10 miles in 1:32:20. Then in the fall did a couple 20 milers and then wandered off into maffetone. Oh well. So, I'm quite curious about 6/2s twice a week. I wonder about that. Shorter stuff definitely is limited and I know continuous runs don't really work so great for me. And running everyday also doesn't seem to be so good. In other news, what a hellish life I've had. Please let me survive another 20 years with good health for my children. 

So I'm trying to improve at long distance running, tennis, piano and guitar. I'm pretty sure i will never again have time for the 40 by 20 foot enclosed raised bed garden i made and am considering removing it for some weeping willows. Possibly just let the bamboo go wild. I have a gaming computer but taking a break from that. Hopefully Hawthy will start playing elder scrolls and enderal on it soon.

No time for cello. Writing looms in the distance. Continuing to write my somewhat deep thoughts down elsewhere. Reading Wolfe's entire solar cycle now. Which i had read halfway through before. And read new sun at least 3 times probably more.

My running goal is sub 19 5k/ sub 40 10k. Or say 9 miles in an hour. My PBs are 21 5k, 7:53 pace for 8 miles. To somehow improve at my advanced age i'm trying easy intervals instead of much slower easy continuous runs. Easy continuous runs never did anything for me really before.

My fingers are toughened up for guitar. Need some good books though to start learning songs instead of chords. Barre chords are so hard. A major barring is possibly impossible for me. Barring at all on a 12 string, even scalloped..for get it. Was trying dgdgbd tuning that way. Maybe if i removed the lowest d like keith richards. Or maybe remove the 3rd and 4th string and tune the lowest 2 to like an e and something else? Also got a nylon classical so now i have 4 different kinds of guitars.

Learning canon in d on piano now. Really an easy one. Attempting to play entire gladiolus rag and chopin funeral once through everyday. It's a mental stretch to do both entirely. Also trying to find time for Nyman's heart asks pleasure. Just this is time consuming. If i wasn't also running and playing guitar everyday...

Everything one hand continental works great if playing someone who hits flat. But not as good against really heavy topspin. But I'm going to stick with it. I really need to practice high forehands though.

There is a mindset that it's better to be really good at one thing then ok at many. I highly disagree. Doing just one thing is boring and it's not really a competition. Music certainly shouldn't be anyway. The whole "i am a guitar god!" mindset is a perversion. It's about whatever song you are playing, not you. Same with piano.

In tennis and running (races) you are directly in competition with others but i don't care much about winning, just doing well. I'd much rather play tennis well and lose than win ugly / get my opponent to play bad. In running i just want to run fast with hardly any effort a long way.

Have a hypothesis that the usual traintraining advice doesn't work for people with relatively terrible aerobic development. Good development would be someone who's 5k pace is 7min/mile and easy pace is 9min/mile. Bad would be 7 versus 14. Or even 10 versus 16.

Supposely everyone is should do 80% of training at easy pace. One size fits all. But if you're easy is way slower than your hard the two just don't work off each other. The movement is too dissimilar. The ROM too different. Such people instead should do their "easy" at most 3 min/mile slower and make it easy by turning it into intervals. Like 11min/miles with run 4 min, walk 2. Until they eventually build up some aerobic ability.

3/4s are best. Though mentally hard to stick with. All that rest means running very hard. Hard to do for long. 3/3s and 3/2s are next best. Then 2/4s, 2/3s, 2/2s, and 2/1s.

I had been trying to just do steady state easy runs. I'm so slow this way. And don't enjoy it. I like being faster. I like alternating back and forth. I'm sorry but going back to intervals. I'd be very happy to get back to my slow times of previous years. 8.41 for 12, 7.53 for 8, 7.25 for 5, 6.59 for 3. My mileage was actually quite low all those times. 20 to 40mpw.

I worry about injury. But I don't have to go so fast.

It seems like I have a habit of quitting things right when I'm getting good at them. Not sure why. Perhaps self destructive. Perhaps set goals too high. Perhaps care more about figuring out the process. Most likely realize I'm not any happier when I'm good so i would then flit off in another direction. That's most likely. Lots of bouncing from one thing to another because of an underlying unhappiness that can't be solved by any hobby. At least I haven't bounced from one woman to the next.

Thinking of how i ran 20 miles at 11.5 min per mile pace a couple weekends in a row years back. I was capable of going faster. At the time i thought myself embarrassingly slow. I suppose it was slow. But started running again 3 weeks a go and how i wish i could run easy 11 min miles now. Now easy is 15. I think. But it's so hard to exactly pinpoint easy. I have run 82 miles in 3 weeks. Twice i pushed myself too hard. Felt scary weird afterward. Except for that i feel much better. My body was turning into something i wasn't enjoying being inside of. It's getting better but I need the patience that comes in part from being happy. Happy  people aren't constantly searching for that magical thing. I am happier now. Though still searching.

Learning 12 string guitar and going to scallop a cheap 6 string. Practicing everyday. While continuing piano. Have finished Chopin funersl march and basically gladiolus rag though couple pesky parts.

Happy Running by David and Megan Roche.
Run a ton easy. Throw in some strides. Get a dog? Don't be so hard on yourself you typical neurotic runner. Have fun.

Between Light and Shadow by Marc Aramini. An in depth analysis of Gene Wolfe's writing. Wolfe is now my favorite writer I guess. I love the short stories in particular. I want to write just like him. More or less. And that's ok. And that's a breakthrough. I'll be reading this a long time.

I gave up on the John Gwynne series. Too stupid. I'm done with that kind of vapid fantasy.

The thing about the UK is the percentage of creative people is much higher. It's still a small minority but it's enough that it really makes a difference. Additionally the extreme verdancy and high latitude combined with the atlantic meridional overturning circulation current. It all combines to make it objectively speaking the nost magical place on earth. Excluding very small areas elsewhere of course.

And of course many of those really creative brits take it completely for granted. They focus on their minority status (which would be the case anywhere and would be even worse anywhere) and focus on all the things that could be better because of course in a lot of ways the UK does suck, just like everywhere else. Which is still quite laughable. It is the best place on the planet. 

I finally reviewed the solution to Masquerade in detail yesterday. I wonder why I hadn't long ago. But I wrote in detail elsewhere. There was something else I had meant to write about here but I've been sidetracked. 

I started Chopin's Funeral March. Used to be i didn't like the somewhat positive turn it took. But in a recent listen i found that to be perfect for death shouldn't be completely terrible. It's important to not see it that way. It's maybe a perfect piece of music for viewing death. Perhaps the darth vader theme which i had heard so much more of made it hard to appreciate.

Just about "finished" with Gladiolus rag. I guess may do Maple leaf but Funeral March takes precedence. 

I started back at performing monkey piano last fall. So far brushed up/perfected/learned:
1. Rach prelude in c sharp minor
2. Moonlight sonata slow movement 
3. Most famous pathetique movement 
4. Beethoven's 19 sonata one movement 
5. Nyman heart asks for pleasure. 
6. 1st 3 pages of Beethoven's 7th symphone 2nd movement 
7. Gladiolus
...??? Other stuff not worth mentioning 

Inspired by 3 galloping dogs i finally bought what i think is decent reverb. Fogconvolver. Also Garritan Personal Orchestra 5 which... I think I like better than East West Silver but maybe it's the reverb. Back hurts too much to sit up and work on really writing music or performing monkey much. 

Also acquired autoharp and amp. Working on ukelin and gurdy. 

I liked Silver Mount Zion latest album and finally after a year have begun listening to the rest of their stuff and Efram's Godspeed you. I really like 4 songs so far and many others are pretty good. 3 galloping dogs has me deciding again I need to try again. I want to get at least two other people and perform live.

Still, I bought GPO and close to buying fog convoluter. I have never paid for any remotely decent convolution reverb. GPO is a bit cheap but good value. Just for composing. Ultimately want to perform live.

Performing live is what it should be about. Humility. Not fame. Not amazing. Not mass produced art reaching millions.

Also made a large playlist of shoegaze.

I have never written myself out of a bad place. Only the opposite.

Hurt my back 10 days ago. I can just about stand up straight without pain now. Almost. Can slowly walk. No disc herniation. I think I know what to change for prevention.

I really don't like steroids. Stomach ache for days and highly irritable. Not thinking well. 5th day of steroids and can't stand them anymore. Won't take the last day.

I was actually in a sort of good mood last few days. "Vegging" while I healed. Playing Morrowind. Tomorrow I shall attempt to go to work. It's a long walk to office. I might need a wheelchair. Not sure how that would go over.

I have small children. I have to get better. I need to survive and keep a job another 20 years. For them. Not for me. Nothing much for me.

I'm not good with words despite really trying. I hardly have anything really worth saying.

A person friended me that I went to school with. I think from elementary school on up? Not sure. Want to find out. We once had a 30 second conversation about Clive Barker and I can't recall otherwise ever speaking to him. But I had felt at least in high school that I wish I had known him. Then he was suicidal. I wasn't much better.

Now he's 47. He lives with in his mom's house who is a bipolar alcoholic with dementia. He has 22 dollars to his name. No car. Just started a new job as a waiter. He walked 3 miles to work because mom wouldn't let him borrow the car. She's screaming drunk crazy and police have been called and he doesn't know what to do.

He lives a 1000 miles away. I really don't actually know him. Apparently he has no one. Some fb "friends ". He had a sister. I don't know what became of her.

I will do nothing for him I guess. Talking to him at all on Facebook is strange considering I didn't actually know him.

But he likes the music I like. DCD, the cure. He reads. He's androgynous. Gay.

And he's 47 years old and he has 22 dollars to his name and no one good in his life. He was suicidal 30 years ago and it looks lije things haven't improved. My wife isn't going to let me reach out to some stranger  But he seems to have spent his life working at amusement parks and on the beach.

My stomach hurts. I'm hot. It's hot upstairs because heat rises. Downstairs hurts my back worse.

I have two small children. Something horrible HAS to happen to me. There's no way I will be allowed to be with them as they grow up.

I will listen to probably DCD. Starting now.....

And think of another time.

Reading George Macdonald earlier. Great largely forgotten writer. It's slightly horrifying the people who lived and have been forgotten.  Not just him but thinking about his characters as real people that in some variation they were.

My stomach hurts. I'm in a bad place. I have wrote my way out of a bad place. It's Sunday night. Insomnia night.

I thought of the giant sequoias the other day. I tried to work on a story that had a scene there. I ruined the sequoias.

Finished Brent Weeks Lightbringer series except for the last book which isn't out. Was strangely unhappy during it. Kind of neglected my other hobbies during it. Wondered though if it was just too much injustice. But it could be something else. Spend time writing letters I won't send to people I knew decades ago. Gave up my sexual abstinence after a month or so because I think it was getting me in a bad mood. Have a theory it turns the "must improve" part of a man while neglecting the "maintain/stay alive to rear my children" part. I really had this feeling of dying of a heart attack. Perhaps there's something to that. What few studies there are suggest people who have sex more often live longer but the science isn't that great. Being around a few more decades matters more to me. I don't really feel like there's anything too terribly important to otherwise accomplish. That I have any chance of accomplishing.

Anyway, Weeks' series is about Kip Guile and Gavin/Daven Guile. They both have very special magical powers and suffer great injustice. Gavin/Daven lost his powers, or at least he lost yellow, blue, green, subred, etc. Everything except black which he refuses to use. Preferring to be blinded. Preferring to die. Young Kip is a budding great magician who has never been properly trained but at 15/16 is already amazing. Their father is a terrible man. Color wights are also a bad thing, I guess. And some special order. Or who knows. Maybe the Chromeria is really the bad guy.

Now reading some book. Except son has my phone and I can't remember name... The Curse of Chalion by Lois Bujold. Great detail. Lupe Castelar is a sort of teacher/chaperone to a noble young lady and her friend. He escaped from being a galley slave. Just a tinsy bit of magic. I would like a tad bit more. But just when one gives up hope finally there is some related to Death magic.

Finally bought expensive racquets Wilson Clash. 2 for 480. Doesn't seem to be anything special about the Clash Tour. Though I was a little hasty in not even demoing that one. But online reviews suggest the two are practically the same. I'm liking the Clash though. Also really trying to hit a straight arm forehand with australian grip and even hitting a backhand drive with same grip. Went to "league" night at the posh club and played well enough.

I need to lose weight. I need to stop eating sweets every single day. Donut/s for breakfast. Cookies/brownies sometimes during the day. A pie on the weekend. lol. Straight up addiction like any other addiction. Over the years gradually it happened. Helped by being able to gorge myself when younger every single day while staying skinny for years. Now I'm 240 and don't lift weights. 6'4" and still athletic. Still. How silly to worry about this. No time to go run for 2 plus hours.

Close to finished with Gladiolus. Taken my sweet time. Enjoying it but feel like eventually, learn it or give it up... Wife doesn't complain I guess.

Reading book one of Brent Weeks Prism series. I had read most of it many many years ago and hadn't liked it much. Because I liked Night Angel so much better. Too much explaining the magic system in the early going in Prism. Reminiscent of Sanderson. I prefer mystery around the magic system. But it can't be helped. So I wasn't into it before I guess. Anyway I then had Dazen and Gavin confused. Which is somewhat understandable but not really, if you are paying close enough attention to enjoy the book.

I always assume I was stupid in the past and suspect that was the case here, that I just wasn't capable of thinking well enough to follow the nuance. Maybe true. There are worse things then feeling like I'm still improving at 46.

This time around I'm really enjoying this series which hopefully the last book will be published this year. Haven't read fantasy this good in quite a while.

Just now it's clear Kip is also a Prism but Gaven is keeping it a secret as supposedly there can be only one at a time according to their religion.

In other news I have decided to possibly never have sex (in any form) ever again. Unless wife actually wants to. Hopefully this doesn't make me more likely to get prostate cancer. It's sort of like returning to my childhood. I like it a lot.

Have been riding an exercise bike at least 10 minutes most days. Got to a lob in doubles that other players thought was amazing.

Been trying to keep arm entirely straight on forehand and arm feels really good even whike using extender ripstick weighted to over 12 ounces. Which is great for a huge serve but not so great for my forehand and the forehand is more important. I will try switching back to prostaff.

Just hitting everything continental/australian. With the prostaff at least seems like that works fine. And i hate hitting western on the run.

Read all but the dying part of biography about Arthur Ashe. Great guy. Was very lucky in the people that were in his life as a kid. Living at a park with a tennis court in backyard. That guy who taught him from a young age. And Dr Robert Johnson who has since been put in the tennis hall of fame. Ashe was very smart, very good guy. But also really really lucky. Except for the heart attacks and AIDS of course.

Been playing Enderal which is a mod that is installed into Skyrim. The modification though is that it pretty much completely replaces Skyrim, except for a few odds and ends. Some objects look the same. Entirely different story, characters, music. I guess some similar magic spells, creatures. I like it better I think. But i may be biased. For one I've been reading about Bethesda and they sound like assholes. They aren't bringing back Jeremy Soule. They don't even speak to him. And from interviews and presentations/announcements they don't sound good at all. ES6 won't be any good. I like seeing a mod that replaces their entire game and is better.

Also I'm curious about doing something similar maybe someday. That place I'm haunted by I don't think works as a book. Could work much better as some kind of virtual reality / videogame.

Also playing Skyrim SE which it's very easy to add mods to. Looks very beautiful but I like Enderal better. I also really like Morrowind with the sound and graphics overhaul anyway. So playing those two games at the moment. I have not really been successful modding Oblivion. Was trying to add Qarls graphics mod. Have tried 4 different mod mangers and manual installs. Will come back to it eventually.
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Learning the Gladiolus "Rag". I really like it. The idea of playing ragtime seems to nerdy/square. But I like it far better than the classical I've been playing. I need to listen to it enough that I can hum the whole thing. That's actually quite a bit of listening for me. Which ahh. Hmm. That in and of itself is kind of a skill actually. Being able to accurately hum a 4 minute ragtime piece. I guess the same applies to classical. I can't hum an entire symphony or even sonata movement. There is some pianist who travels around playing ragtime who can simultaneously run two pieces in his head at once.

In my continuing effort to improve at stuff. I could just listen to music and practice humming it from start to end.
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Bored with juggling. Got a number of 3 ball things down. 4 ball really means higher tosses which I'm not so much into. Plus you just have to concentrate more.
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Tennis has been really good as I've started just hitting my backhand like Ken Rosewall and forehand a lot like Jimmy Conners. Hardly any topspin. Simplifying. Went back to heavy racquet. Experimented with extender ripstick and old prostaff and my elbow hurting a bit. Also was experiment with almost backhand grip serve which also annoyed my elbow. Back to old flexible Michael Chang racquet and australian grip for everything.
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Have a baby girl. And minding just staying at home with family far less. My one friend is so often kind of off because of the medications she takes I guess. The other is chaos and so little in common. It's important to have friends. But once you've experimented plenty of hanging out, you eventually don't really need to so much I guess.
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That crap with that boy getting attacked for just smiling at that native american drummer is truly nuts. I was interested in reading about it and the articles make me sick. I'm on the left. So many on my "side" still attacking this 15 year old boy even after it comes out the drummer came up to him and the high school group was being verbally attacked by another group. So many were so quick to attack and now won't admit they were wrong. Hate for Trump is high. Sort of understandable but people who's vision is completely clouded by it are hard for me to understand.

Continuing with the modding. Can't get Oblivion to work at all. Will start over. Actually just have plugins working for Morrowind but not from 2002 so they're kind of mods..?????? I don't really know the difference. Actually have Skyrim modded. I like Morrowind far better. The music is even just better though same composer.

Read The Banished Craft, Fettered Flame and Scattered Bond by ED Bell. First openly provegan author. But it seems a type of proveganism that won't change anyone's mind. And only people already vegan or sympathetic would even read it in the first place. On the other hand, people will actually read it, as it's not dark hardly at all. Hmmm, I already posted about this. Oh well. So little free time. And so much wasted time.

And Borges. No great thoughts. But bad day. Isolation plus nastiness. Frozen bean burger. On purpose I suspect. Social dysfunction at bus stop in freezing cold. Isolation at work. Online wasteland. It's a sad world full of stupid people. But who am I to speak when I can't get the nexus mod manager to open for Oblivion.