Linda ...ski. Thought every man was a potential rapist. Extremely suspicious. My "friend" who doesn't mention getting married. Jumps to negative assumption and doesn't explain what it is. If I took too long in responding on skype she would even jump to assuming negative things.

M McCombe. 40 and never married. Extremely suspicious and dysfunctionally uncommunicative. Jumps to negative assumption and never explains what it is.

R Carlyle. Totally bonkers. Lifetime unemployed. Says has disease that isn't recognized as a real disease. Can't handle anyone disagreeing with her no matter how bizarre her actions. Impersonates someone on facebook and gets a 100 friends that way. Goes ballistic when I disagree with such actions and suddenly just can't speak with me and in general suddenly finds all kinds of fault with me including many very strange accusations.

S Nordeck. 30 something who has never had a significant other. Manages to get fired from a job that consists of cleaning hospital rooms and pushing around hospital beds by cussing out a security guard and in general thinking ill of endless good people. After 7 years of friendship gets angry that I become friends with her sister. Then claims I'm trying to force her to wear shoes she doesn't like and a few other bizarre things and cuts down all communication to only texting, almost as if she knows it's the one thing that upsets me so therefore that's exactly what she does. When I finally say I'm done with texting, no more communication until she will actually speak to me she unfriends/blocks me and my wife.

"Yanni". Stupid prick who laughably has a problem with anyone ever finding fault with anything he does.

Fredrik ... Demonizer.

K Creek. Bonkers. Had many bouts of irrational paranoia. At one point crying at US embassy in Kazahkstan that we were being followed. Ruined many working relationships by deciding they were out to get here. Finally did the same to me.

J Muto. For unknown reason refused to recognize that I was trying out for the tennis team, thus I didn't get to play tennis in high school. Now over and over I play someone new in tennis and they ask if I played tennis in college and I say, "No. I didn't even get to play in high school." Maybe when my hair is gray this will stop, until then I get to be periodically reminded as I beat former and current college players.

Recently won 6-1, 6-0 against a professor of literature. 6-2, 6-2 against some wealthy retired guy. 6-0, 6-0 against environmental engineer. (also lost 7-5, 6-4) And then today I played a former division one player and won 7-5, 7-6 (7-0). Little things here and there did not do well. Could have won a lot more convincing. Was up 4-1 in second set and lost 4 games in a row. Forgot to start ball toss slowly and gradually gain speed. Had probably ten aborted ball tosses. For large stretches I was lucky to just get it in with some pace. Ball pass was too erratic to really move it to both corners. Started tossing behind me a bit thus losing pace, but was mindful not to do this and eventually corrected. Missed a lot of volleys. And took a while to get used to returning his slice. Was letting the ball get too close to me for a while. Match lasted over two hours and we were lucky to be able to finish it.

But all in all, really played unusually well. Wonder if how low he kept the ball maybe helped me as opposed to Cooke throwing in the occasional moon ball. But maybe that little aerobic back and forth drill really works. Legs felt strong throughout and was moving very smoothly throughout. Almost never missed a return of serve.

He is a librarian and thinks football is evil. That it may in part be a cause of the violence in America. Super nice. Of course he lives up in Pittsburgh and was just visiting his parents.

Winning while playing well against a former division one player who was super nice and intelligent put me in a good mood.

Heal Your Headache by Dr. David Buchholz. Ton more foods I'm removing from my diet. Which sucks but I would really like to never again have a headache. And I've been having a lot with the change in weather. Interesting book in saying that a lot of the weird stuff that goes undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed could actually be migraine. (With my neurology vocation anyway it's interesting and I wish all the neurologists were familiar with his ideas. But they aren't. And I'm very cautious about pushing my thoughts.)

Had liquid nitrogen sprayed on my head other day. Yay. Actinic Keratosis as I suspected. Lady made me feel like I had nothing to worry about though.

Started rereading Demon Princes by Vance and really I was right. Although in some ways it may be more ambitious than Tschai, it just isn't as good. Think I'll look at something else.

Rereading Gene Wolfe's torturer new sun thing. As before, it really starts a bit slow. Almost started the Wizard Knight, but I recall that got really nutty after a while, not in a good way. But then... so much he has written is really really good. Such that I shouldn't be dismissive. But, some of my music sucks. Some of his short stories really suck.

Toss the ball with your shoulder, not your bicep, wrist or fingers. And start slowly and gain speed smoothly. And like handing a cup of tea to someone on a ladder. And keep your arm up straight above you afterwards. The longer you do so, the more likely the ball will go in. Although too long and you lose pace. And the arc of the arm during the toss is perpendicular to the service box. And keep the ball toss out in front of you or you lose pace. And don't do other stuff while tossing the ball, makes an erratic ball toss more likely. Finally hit it just a bit over the shoulder so that you can put a bit of kick on it and hit it out to the right in both the ad and deuce court.

Hitting forehand almost perfectly flat. Depends on the shot. Won today 6-0, 6-0. Beat another good player 6-2, 6-2 last week. But lost to my nemesis 7-5, 6-4. Was up 5-2 but he ran me so much he broke me down. So started an aerobic activity that mimics groundstrokes, back and forth, backhand, forehand.

B sings like an angel. Truly. Was really surprised. It really captures what her religious feeling is for her.

When I get upset about S or my parents or Biddle, etc. Have to try to remember I'm losing perspective. Not up to trying to show what perspective is. Don't claim what follows is.

When angry, think of angry monkeys. When sad, think of the absurdity of all life.

Looked at Josephine Smith's (aka Rideflame) facebook page. 5 or so years later. Wish I could explain. But to whom anyway? No one would understand. No one would care anyway.

5 years later I see again. Like a demon desperate to experience actual life. Full of rage at what was taken from me.

When S started only texting, I wonder if she understood what she was doing. Or if she had no idea.

It's all crap to even think about. I was right to turn away. Any which way I was right.

But I shall live and die and never find anyone in the real world on my wavelength.

I am a stoic because the alternative is to feel rage over how I was treated during my childhood and what it did to me.

Hawthy is now 9.5 months old. Today he played with a synthesizer for the first time. He seemed surprisingly interested for such a young age. He stood without holding on to anything for a 3 or 4 seconds for the first time tonight multiple times. His ring finger seems to be a bit longer than his index finger, hopefully. He won't stay still long enough for me to say for certain. It will be what it will be anyway.

Today I felt very lonely. I miss S. I need to just be around people who are nice to me. But I feel like I'm practically just alone as a result. I shouldn't spend any more time around people who make me feel alive but don't treat me well. But I'm back down to just about zero. Even with tennis I have to go after people, they don't come after me. Something about me is intimidating I guess. No doubt about that.

I occasionally think of trying to contact my half-sister I've never spoken to and potentially my father I've virtually never spoken to. I'm curious. But it's really a good idea to avoid being around people that aren't decent and nice and good. Also I just might get angry.

Stoicism is always a facade to hide that which you daren't truly feel.

One falls into predicaments because: 1. one insists on doing the right thing with little to no regard for one's own self interest, 2. bad luck, 3. making bad choices. 4. Wrongfully judged/misunderstood.

Predicaments consist of a. being attacked by others, b. being captured/trapped, d. being isolated/lonely, e. being forced to do things one doesn't want to do (trying to survive from day to day, make money, get food and shelter).  f. falling in love.

One escapes a predicament by A. exceptional athletic abilities, B. the help of friends, C. intelligence/ creativity, D. special powers, E. luck.

This is all in terms of negative reinforcement. They are only acting to avoid pain/death. What of "positive 'predicaments"? I will say that anything that necessitates action is a "predicament".

3eE: One makes a bad choice and is thus forced to do something they don't want to do but escapes by luck.

2dD: Through bad luck one becomes isolated but overcomes through special powers.

1bA: One helps another and thus is captured but escapes by exceptional athletic abilities.

1aE: One tells the truth instead of being a yesman and thus is disliked by others who are yesmen but survives due to luck.

Adam Reith gets stuck on earth due to bad luck (spaceship gets shot down) 2. He is thus "stuck" on Tschai or trapped and must find a way to escape b. He escapes due both to his exceptional fighting abilities and his intelligence/creativity and the help of the friends he makes. ABC and some D.

One is trapped/stuck/captured. One is attacked (beaten or attemptedly murdered) or tortured. One is forced into slavery, etc. One is wrongfully judged and thus attacked, etc.

Tennis Serve:
1. Lean back on right foot.

2. Toss ball up. Left arm goes up all the way and after letting ball go goes even higher. Wrist is like handing a cup of coffee up high to someone on a ladder. Use shoulder to toss, not fingers. During toss left arm is parallel to net.

3. Take step forward with right foot while at the same time raising racquet up to throwing position. Left arm stays totally up and even higher if possible. Left arm is much higher up than throwing arm.

4. Bring down left arm as you swing right arm to hit the ball.

One falls into predicaments because: one insists on doing the right thing with little to no regard for one's own self interest, bad luck, making bad choices. One escapes a predicament by exceptional athletic abilities, the help of friends, intelligence creativity, special powers, luck.

Read the Gilded Chain by Dave Duncan... and have no recollection of it at all.... I remember the Reluctant Swordsman which was a series by him I didn't finish.... Oh yes. The Gilded Chain a guard for the King. A bit of magic. These guards have a sword shoved into their chest by the person they are going to guard. It's magic. The king has many such guards but the hero is the best ever swordsman, etc, etc and the King makes him his right hand man. Rollicking good tale.

Then read the Piebald Prince by the master, Robin Hobb. Only 80 pages long. Unhappy ending. Very very good. Exceptional. As expected.

And then reread Tschai. To me it is somehow just such a wonderful tale. And I absorbed it better this time than in the past. ZAP 210 I think I didn't like the love interest before and was figuratively holding my noise. This time didn't feel that way. Ends with Adam Reith, his three friends and four technicians taking off in a spaceship, leaving Tschai..... Wish it didn't end but hard to imagine how.

Everytime I try to use my laptop my nine month old comes running. Oh well.

Tennis. Just about there now. Determined the serve grip determines how much you should face the court on the serve. With an almost eastern forehand grip should just about face straight up, with almost eastern backhand you should be turned sideways. I've been trying to stand a bit sideways while using almost eastern forehand. This means a sort of hitch in the middle of my motion where I really lose accuracy. I dislike facing straight toward the service box though. May experiment more with almost eastern backhand service grip.

Andy Murray backhand now and very happy with it. Extremely good return of serve today. And really trying to hit a two hand forehand drive instead of Santoro style. Because I want to be able to hit winners and not get totally destroyed by anyone. Went pretty well today but still getting used to it. Actually lost to Chi trying to play this way. Oh well.