I blame the lack of industrial music for that last blog post. I had quit listening because I had the strange idea that demonic growling and so on might put me in a bad mood. But without industrial my creativity dried up. Brought it back out and the creativity turns on. Also feel like it gives me something. A toughness. A feeling of something going on other than this boring life.

Really been unhappy recently. Why?

Job stuff. But this job stuff brings up the past, where really awful things were done to me. I've had more than enough of such things. Kind of grasping for straws here. Some way to not be so unhappy.

An old one I haven't done in forever is remembering how damm good I actually am. Just focusing on having pride in the person I've been. And I've wanted to save the world. Believed that being happy was immoral in this dsytopia. Long time vegan. Etc. I'm ridiculously good. But the idea of feeling proud of myself, and trying to fixate on that, just seems silly to me anymore. And has for well more than a decade I think.

My creativity feels shot lately. Maybe I need to pull out the industrial. Been afraid to for quite a while as it seemed to correlate with unhappiness quite strongly. And now I'm looking for a new job. What is being expected of me at work could in and of itself be the reason for my lack of creativity and that in turn could be the cause of my unhappiness. I'm beating myself up pretty bad with regards to what I perceive as quite a fail as a writer.

I don't really feel that I have much left to live for. Trying to at least produce a beautiful lasting work of art (a book) is about it. Otherwise, just staying alive for my wife's sake it seems. Except for that, very often find myself wishing I'd just die already.

Being vegan for example. I can try to consciously ignore how much it bothers me that everyone around me is the equivalent of a slaver, but subconsciously it's something that is slowly killing me.

Lack of sunlight. Can't find a good song on my cello.

Would love to move. That'd be a nice diversion. Wife wants to stay near our parents. I'd rather not. My parents haven't done me any good in my life. I know it well and don't enjoy their company. My stepfather is well meaning but in some ways so incredibly stupid it sickens me. Can't even stand to use words to explain. My mom is pretty much an idiot. Never had a problem with my biological father leaving her. Although him forsaking his only son at such a young age certainly isn't impressive, but then, there isn't much of anything impressive anywhere near my life. In many ways I'm starved and stunted. Never really had a chance. So, so much of my memories are painful to look back on. Remembering in general is dangerous.

Recent books:
Satyricon, author not known for certain. One of the oldest books ever, written around 100AD.
Never knew the movie was based on a book. I'm not impressed with the book. It is interesting considering how much of the population was enslaved, that such an empty titillation was so popular. Loved the movie though.

The Steel Remains by Richard Morgan
Damm if maybe I'm a little offput by the one hero being a very slutty gay guy. Actually the heterosexual guy is also slutty. Don't like it much with either. Wonder if the gay guy bothers me more so. Why do gay writers put so much damm sex in their books? I mean it's fantasy fiction. All that sex takes away from the escapism... Otherwise pretty decent. Don't know that I'll successfully finish though... Two guys good at fighting. Others have magic. ... The usual formula I guess.

Shadow's Son by Jon Sprunk
Meh. THe heroes have much more magic. That seems to coincide with a book that just isn't as good. Very little worth saying here. Somehow something very important is missing here. Beating incredible odds? A lot of suffering? Better character development? Better description of the world? All of the above?

Post Office and Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski
Good stuff. Has inspired me to write (bad) poetry and give hard liquor another try. Ham on Rye is better than Catcher in the Rye. Although now I hear some John Fante book is even better yet. Oh well. Bukowski. A very smart guy who felt ostracized because of his boils. Also beaten up weekly by his father. In a sense I can relate.

I'm surprised I've read so few books about how miserable the usual 40 hour a week job is.

Is the post office hiring?

Years of smiles promising such wonderful things
such wonderful vague things
surprise!

Pull back the curtain
look on in wonder and:
good luck.



Why... it's just like beer!
My love for you
totally devoid of logic and the only way forward
sooth the savage beast
you can only ignore what it is to be human for so long....

Bad mood today, looking for a new job. I wrote to someone (in response to a random reminesce(sp)), "Life isn't so bad these days but I wouldn't mind waking up to 1990 with what I now understand."

What I now understand isn't very interesting or important but, it is the following:
1. Don't waste time working out so much. Reduce the strength training by 90%. Quit playing basketball. Some jogging would be OK, but in moderation. All that strength training just gives you insomnia. Your belief that everyone is capable of amazing physical and intellectual feats and it's just a matter of figuring out how is: A. wrong. B. means a seriously masochistic trial and error lifestyle. Furthermore, never get into powerlifting or protein stuffing. Both are bad for your body.
2. Don't take sleeping pills for your insomnia. You're better off just not sleeping.
3. You are too idealistic. Don't burden people with truths they don't give a shit about.
4. No, it isn't hopeless. Quit worrying about it. No need to die.
5. Go ahead and create an evil god or whatever that you must defy, if that's what you need to do to stay alive. For the hell of it, be aware that that's what you're doing though. I think. Although doing so may mess up the creation.
6. You can't sing. And no will ever care about the music you write. So don't bother. Perhaps take up the viola.
7. There is no grand party out there. There is nothing much out there really. Don't bother searching. Just read a ton of books while you're in the military.
8. Eventually you'll discover Chomsky. But don't forget the way women are treated by the muslim theocracies. "Imperialism" isn't all bad, although sure. Socialism would be better. But people are too stupid, that's just the way it is. And much like sex is hidden therefore everyone is fixated on it, understanding what the corporate media is hiding, means a similar fixation. In neither case is the result really so good.
9. That Ayn Rand stuff is a great way to convince yourself that an awful system is actually the best of all possible worlds. Try not to go overboard. Pick a college major based on what you actually like doing, what you actually find interesting, not what you're good at. Competition is NOT everything. In fact it will get old quick.
10. When picking a major, plan to get a PhD right from the beginning. You're too good for just a bachelors. And you can't do much with only a bachelors. Furthermore understand this may mean having to move away from home, (both for college and a future job) and there are really nice places out there that you'll be better off for having experienced.
11. Your parents really don't have a clue. Don't listen to them. If they don't support you, you are just going to have to go it alone.
12. Quit eating meat. You don't need it at all.
13. Do you really like such and such girl? Or do you just like the idea of having a girlfriend? Are you so busy trying to make so and so like you that you haven't really considered whether or not you actually like them as a person as opposed to as an object?
14. Get rid of the topspin from your tennis game. Everyday you're stretching out your strings making the ball come off a little different. That's why one day you play great and the next awful. To hit all that topspin you'd need to have your rackets restrung everytime you play. And you can't afford that. Also you don't have the free time to devote to getting a cheap stringing machine and doing it yourself. Instead just hit the ball flat and forget about becoming a professional. Also, spend less time on sports in general.
15. I'm sorry that every teacher you ever had growing up was objectively speaking, quite awful. I can't make up for it here. I have no solution for this. But for one thing, it would be worthwhile to remember that they are stupid while at the same time not ever letting it show that you feel this way towards them.

Surely others, but I don't get to go back to 17. And there was no one to help me out. I guess if I ever manage to have children it could be good to remember.

16. Trying to save the world is one hell of a burden. It means that happiness is immoral. But it can't be saved. Because people aren't as essentially good as you think they are.
17. When you get some free time, you usually start out by procrastinating. And then once you're ready to settle down and get to work (writing), it's time to go get back to your job.

Long runs once every 4 days slowly turned into torture. Coincided with a lot of migraine headaches also.And stopped improving. Really burned out. Too much intensity. Since I stopped I've been fine. Now trying to run 5 days a week, 6 miles each time on average. Trying to do all those miles at a decent pace. This is the third or fourth week and I've slowly speeded up. Last week I did five days at 8.8 min miles. This week I've started with two days at 8.7 min miles (6 miles in 52:30). Will take a day off and then try for three more days of that.

Also been consistently lifting weights after each run. Just a single set of a few exercises done pretty easy. Slowly have gone from 6 chinups to 12 that way. Then started to get a bit of insomnia, so going to take a break then come back with less intensity.

Haven't listened to industrial stuff in a long time. Recently did listen to Christian Death, Theatre of Pain. Coincided with a level of unhappiness I haven't seen in quite a while. I think there's something to be said for avoiding miserable sounding music maybe.... Being told my job is going to change played a role I'm sure also.

----

Thinking that no very good fantasy fiction book really has much magic in it. Main characters may have magic but can't do very much really. Keeps an edge of realism I guess. Seems to be better if there is just magic around the character.

Robin Hobb-Farseer/Fool. Fitz had the Skill and the Wit but the Skill really seemed to be more of a negative than a positive for him. Gave Regal's coterie a way to attack him. The Wit basically just meant he had a very very close friend who happened to be a wolf. Most of Fitz's real abilities were just the result of being trained as an assassin. He was good at sneaking around, poisoning. Surviving in the wilderness thanks to his wolf's help. He really didn't have much magic.

Hobb-Liveship/Dragon Realms. The people again had virtually no magic. The dragons were magic. The ships were a sort of magic.

GRR Martin Game of Thrones. Daenery's has her dragons. Otherwise no main character has any magic at all. Just a bit off in the distance here and there.

Titus Groan/Gormenghast-no magic.

Shardik-maybe something going on with that bear. But you never really know...

...Lev Grossman's series. They definitely have magical abilities but somehow they are none the better for it and far far from bad asses.

The Book of the New Sun-the claw seems to have had some abilities to heal, bring people back from the dead. Although I think there was a twist to that I've forgotten. But otherwise one was led to believe that all the fantastic stuff was actually advanced science. Anyway the protag only used the claw a few times. He didn't do anything amazing magical wise.

Prince of Thorns- protag was more just smart. Lots of magic in the world but not for him personally. Just a bad ass fighter.

Godborn: The Sundering. Protags have all kinds of magic and it's a lesser story.

Paul Hoffman: The last 4 things/left hand of god. Bad ass fighter but... I don't think there was actually any magic at all. And a pretty good story...

Heroes Die: protag has no magic, just incredible fighter. Lots of magic in the world though. Pretty good story.

Blood Song by Anthony Ryan: Protag is bad ass fighter. I think there is magic in this world. I think he has some and maybe doesn't realize it? Can't remember. But, it's hardly any magic...

The Emperor's Soul: protag has more magic. not as good.

Way of Kings: the protag is a bad ass fighter. Who happens to have a fairy that deflects arrows, etc from him. I don't think he even realizes it. He doesn't truly personally have magic. The magic in this world seems to otherwise just be these swords/suits of armor.

Laird Barron... the one with the fighter guy. Again, he's a bad ass fighter. And he heals abnormally fast. But that's it. Others have great magical powers. But not the protag.

A Wizard of Earthsea. Maybe an exception. Protag has lots of magical powers but it doesn't come across like a completely lesser pulpy dumb novel... Though Le Guin just doesn't do much for me despite agreeing with her politics (cept she's not far enough left wing.)

procrastination however which way

Dark Tower sucked but I think there was not magic. Main guy was just awesome with a gun and the book was good in that way. Unfortunately doesn't develop that. Insteaad turns it into modern day earth, etc.

The Night Angel. For the longest time he has no magical ability and it simply a great fighter. But then finally he gets an ka'kari but is mainly concerned with other entities that also possess powerful magic.

Drizzt. Little to none but his panther. Just a great fighter in a world that has magic.

Kraken by Mieville. Great book. Steam punk. Not really magic.... Curious to reread...

The Bloody Nine guy. Abercrombie? Just a great fighter. Was there magic? ...

So to sum, stories that have a low tech world and magic but where the hero has little to no actual magic and that are good stories: Hobb, GRR Martin, Peake, Shardik, Lev Grossman (because magic is so difficult....), Gene Wolfe, Prince of Thorns, Paul Hoffman, Anthony Ryan, Heroes Die, Way of Kings, The Sundering (Barron), Dark Tower, Night Angel, Drizzt, Bloody Nine. Could go on...

That's part of "the formula" basically.