Just cannot do typical industrial vocals. My voice has a smooth sound at best. It doesn't do anger, just like I'm not much for it. I'm laidback and so is my voice. Unfortunately it's not good enough to he heard without a lot of effects and tends to sound too unemotional/zombie like IMO. (I hope I don't give off that vibe in person.) Possible.

Music is back to zilch. Lots of failing. The important underlying need for a melody is being neglected. In part because there's only 7 notes dammit. And I can't help but think of that fact. And then not go forward. Instead mindless repetitive stuff.

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Got a heart rate monitor. Haven't tested my max HR but 150 to 155 feels about right. Started at 5.8. Went down to 5.6 4 miles in. But then in the 6th mile suddenly had to slow down a lot to 4.8mph. The need to slow down I've never done before. Feel really good having done so. With my treadmill fixed can see doing 50mpw. Will test my max I guess in a bit. Want to make sure my knee is good first.

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Have to stay away from tyramine to avoid headaches. Have to be careful concerning cheese, broccoli, beer. And stay away from wine, chocolate and caffeine.

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Finally bought some grape vines and a fig tree. Hopefully fig tree will survive here.

I made a public proclamation that since no one listens I no longer have the energy to bother with composing/recording music. And of course, immediatley afterwards I suddenly find myself so curious about how to do this and that and will such and such sound. Suddenly I'm writing music and looking into new things. What the hell? I write it down and immediately it becomes not true.

Also suddenly this sounds really good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGKByXNXCFc

But perhaps it's the technical side that I was enjoying so much. What is the key, or is there more than one? Is it hardware reverb? Just analog? Great equalization?

Previous song I wrote sounds halfway decent also.

At the moment I think whatever slight worthwhile speck of music this is is ruined by the vocals. But shall take same vocals effects and try to redo some successful industrial music.

One last try at vocals?

JS:Misc/noisegate: -50, 50, 10, 100
JS: Liteon?nonlinear: 100,000,32,22.93
XHip(R): Size-97, Diffuse-76, Time-27, W-0
ReaEQ: bell shape cutting out below 700 and above 6.3k
JS:Guitar/tremolo: Freq-34, A=-2, SS=0
JS:Stillwell/realoud
ReaDelay: Length=-0.05, Feed=-2.2dB
Guitar/distortion: gain=-7dB, maxx vol -2
SIR(R): theater plus reverse
Using up 22% of my CPU.

Sounds OK at the moment. Will wait and see what I think later.

Unfortunately at 22% CPU for a single vocal track... I'm otherwise using synth1 (CPU friendly). Which some say sounds like crap. Occasionally I think it sounds good. I don't know that I actually have anything else that's really better... Although I suppose an analogue hardware synth would probably manage a better bassline.

Maybe could manage a decent bass with the ESQ-1, but I haven't bothered trying to figure out midi in. And playing a really fast bassline would be a pain.... Also the arps, and oscillations, gate, etc, I'm using on this track, not sure they are even possible with the ESQ1. Laziness basically. And something else probably. Many years from now I'll probably finally get around to midi-in. After so many years I'm finally learning all the knobs instead of presets.

Composing / recording in general: It sounds good. And then as you work it starts sounding bad. You leave for a while come back and it sounds good again, then again it starts sounding bad. Sometimes you're just getting tired of hearing it over and over. Sometimes you come back and it still sucks. But maybe you're in the wrong mood still at that moment? So you came back later, and later and so on. Occasionally you pull up a finished song from years ago and think it sounds awful. Other times it sounds so amazing you (I) get so annoyed that no one ever gave it (or anything else I ever did) the time of day.

What an absurd idealist I was.

I gradually became less so as I got older though. Less idealistic about life and about people.

An idealist about the world in general because I can see a better way and as such can barely stand what the world is instead.

About people I've learned to see them for who they really are instead of idealistically. The last hard part was dealing with people online who wanted to only communicate via the internet. It's hard to not idealize with someone who won't ever actually speak out loud to you. Except when you incorporate that exact fact of course and really think about what it says about the person. Duh.

It is hard though to stand to see things as they actually are. Actually impossible I think. Just have to know when idealizing is going to hurt me, versus when it's the only thing that will keep me going.

I guess it's a horrible thing going through life needing to try to forget most of your life. It's certainly no wonder people with "depression" are more likely to get altzeimers(sp). It's all the practice perhaps, supposing it isn't mostly really the result of diet...

J says remember when you used to put your gloves in the oven before going out when you lived in Minnesota? No, I don't remember that at all. Tried to forget Minnesota. Horrible, awful time. Nothing worth remembering while I was there.... Horrific time.
I wish I could twist it somehow so that I could remember it in some way. No idea how... As what is the point of a life you want to forget? A life where one forgets what they did is a futile life. So what is a life where one wishes they could forget?

I've forgotten how to post a youtube but these music plays forever in my memory of Minnesota. At least until I forget forever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy3R12BxD-g
Futile pain.

J asked me what I was writing. I said you don't want to know. But she insisted. So I read it. Then asked her if she was happy I read it to her. She says she's already in the dumps so I can't bring her down any lower.

This Molson tastes really good tonight. So... "cold". Not in the normal sense. Hard to explain what is meant about it being cold.

Other day I decided to quit drinking alchohol in social situations because I feel like I just sit there in a stupor (even off one drink). Prefer to drink when alone or just with J. Normally people become more relaxed when they drink and thus talk more. In a social setting, I realize I'm poisoning myself and becoming stupider and I tense up. So I decide I'm not going to drink in social settings, then the very next night go do D's house and meet a bunch of people and quickly decide aw what the hell and go ahead and drink 3 beers anyway. (Miller Lite). And this effect has been having doesn't happen, even though it happened over and over and over again previously.

As soon as I took steps to stop it, it immediately would not happen anyway. Some kind of reverse psychology with my unconscious I thought at the time. Now I've had half a Molson though, and don't quite feel up to analyzing it. And simultaneously don't care to think so much about some other things, which happen to be very negative. Success.

How does one reremember hell though.

Saw Django Unchained and thought it excellent. Not really a Tarantino fan either. The critics either seem to love it or hate it. The sociology of slavery fascinates me. And the kick ass hero is essentially what the guilty pleasure of fantasy fiction is all about. The humor to lighten what is otherwise INCREDIBLY depressing works so well here also.

The elliptical trainer I don't think really was doing much. Think it was just having plenty of rest inbetween my twice weekly 3 mile long hard runs. Today after two days of doing absolutely nothing, I didn't run any faster. Also the elliptical keeps my right knee always hurting, the same as biking. Did finally get treadmill fixed, so will go back to slow running on that.

Really enjoying Black Gate 15.

Bit on an internet "bender" today. In a bad way I guess. I should go drink some beer instead. Turn my brain, try to forgot what's out there actually....

Short stories: it doesn't have to be a 'eureka' moment or some amazing insight, it can be something that is fairly obvious and/or not all that interesting really, or relatively random, provided it is concealed for a while from the reader while surviving/improving long term survival is going on.

Replaced a ton of my running with an elliptical trainer for two weeks now. Really seem to be getting faster. Ran 3 miles yesterday in 7:19 pace including a 6:59 final mile which is a first. Just running 3 miles twice a week for the last two and half weeks now. Paces: 7:41, 7:28, (in snow 8:05), 7:31 (ab cramp), (added ab work) 7:19. Knee still bothering me though. Otherwise feeling good. Feel like I might get a lot faster. Weight is 214.

Survival and discovery for short stories.

Reading and liking Black Gate 15. I suppose that's it more or less, what I want to write. Some silly story about some slave who is the chosen one or whatever. Now at the moment, fear of failure holds me back. Procrastinating. But it really seems an easy thing. Before it wasn't. Look back amazed at how stupid I was, and probably still am. Or am I? I don't know. I do have all these college degrees and hold down a decent job.

Oh turned the music off, as it was an annoyingly bad song. But now that it's off, I miss it. Once again, I gasp in amazement at this musical (slacker) (poor) genius.

All time high on Mrs. Pacman the other day. Play it maybe twice a year at local burrito place. The energizers had no affect on the ghosts! And there I am only feeling clunky and slow. Can see doing so much better. Strangely enough. Why? I don't know. Lots of FB songpop? Lots of broccoli? Lots of time on an elliptical???

Anyway feel the same about my past. Not sure if I'm misremembering or suddenly smarter. Not caring quite enough to think more about it.