Some times I still believe there exists some Thing. Something that sees me. Something beautiful. Some I guess of love. Of the right world. That which was lost. I fear to examine this "feeling" too closely. What if I thus destroy it? But what if I can instead strengthen it, bring it more into my consciousness, where it isn't lost to me for long periods of time?

It's like feeling as if I matter. Like I'm not just some random bit of nothing that will eventually be destroyed and forgotten, my ever action an exercise in futility.

Simpler characters are escapist. It's maybe hard to make a very simple character in first person and perhaps doesn't work well to have a detailed main character surrounded by cardboard cutouts. Thus third person more often for stories with less character detail...?

What's so great about a medieval setting in fantasy fiction?

It's an escape to a simpler world. A low technology and thus less complicated world. Two-dimensional characters, people whom are easier to understand, is also an escape.
Meanwhile there is great hope because the hero has an ace up their sleeve. Finally there is magic and thus mysticism, which means ultimately no overriding reason to be nihilistic.

Roger Ebert: Sometimes I feel that in my lifetime I have seen a healthy society ripped to pieces.

Run Faster from the 5K to the Marathon: How to be your own coach by Brad Hudson
Says running at a lot of different speeds and intensities is really important. Basic types are hills/hill sprints, tempo/threshold runs (hard for 2 to 6 miles), intervals, and slower longer runs. I basically have been doing only intervals. Trying to do all these others at least once a week, and slower easier runs as often as I can manage with my 15 hour grueling workdays.

Today I did 2 miles in 14:29, then two easy miles and finally 2 more miles (somewhat uphill) in 16:09. My low intense/high freq strength training is consisting of a set of overhead presses, closee grip bench presses, tri pushdowns and a set of chinups. Very low intensity. Very afraid of insomnia.

Whenever it occurs to one to do something nice for others, something altruistic, stop and think really hard. Then go do something selfish instead.

The Wizard book two of the Knight by Gene Wolfe
32% and having a hard time I guess following what's going on. The goings on at Utgard aren't making much sense to me. What exactly Sir Able is doing at the pass in the mountains makes no sense. Hela, the half Angrborn giant makes no sense. What Setr/Garseq is up to makes no sense. What the Aelf Firemaidens are up to makes no sense. Lady Idnn was suddenly at the mountain pass and then back in Utgard, huh? Like it's just random dream nonsense, on and on. Why Thiazi wouldn't suspect the humans in the assasination attempt. How Svon went from useless and bad to good so suddenly.

Unreliable narrators. That's Wolfe's thing. But it's seeming like everyone is so "unreliable" that the whole thing is just random chaos. Like they're all blindfolded and randomly running into walls and each other. I did like the first book though, so I'm trying to persevere.

Far be it for me to expect any of you to ever break free.
Far be it for me to expect any of you to rise above.
Far be it for me to ever expect any damm worthwhile thing from any of you.

I shall live and die without experiencing any exceptions. It used to amaze me. Now I understand the true horror of it a bit better. Was it better to be perpetually amazed? No, no, no. It is at least a breaking free. Just here and there I still try to actually live, just a little, unfortunately.

Really liking Gene Wolfe lately. Like the dreaminess. If it's something ugly. Better to be asleep. And so may I tolerate what remains of this "life" in a somewhat asleep state.

Was going to see some cellists play Metallica today with S and literally 15 minutes before I was leaving my dad made me take him to the ED instead. (He's fine.) Somehow this triggered some mysticism in me. To be exact the old belief in an evil god who's got it in for me. And I dunno. Something more. Just an avanlanche of disgust with this world. Something that wasn't a big deal suddenly became a big deal and I dunno. Feel like it caused me to take a step back and really look in horror at things that I'm trying so hard to just ignore. This world is so horrifically wrong, wrong, wrong. So hard to stand the wrongness of it. So hard to just stay myopic and try to enjoy the little things sometimes.

Right now I kind of want to scream and break things. Not something that's happened in a long time.

It was that tdap shot I think. Rubbed the lump on my shoulder Monday night. Tuesday was increasingly awful. Fever, fatigue, aching, nausea, and chills. And then a headache started also. This Wednesday evening starting to feel somewhat better. Physically anyway. Mentally not very good. Oblivion has become addicting. Need to put it aside now. It's like I'm looking for that high and I keep not getting it now. Just repetitive running around, same monsters over and over. Scenery is the same, etc. What a waste of time.

I said in the beginning it was the music. But one gets tired of hearing a piece of music over and over and I'm well there.

Feel awful today. Don't know if I pushed myself too hard on yesterday's run or it's that Tdap shot.

Anyway, currently reading The Knight by Gene Wolfe
At times I haven't liked the feel of his stories. They are dreamy and seem a bit random, like dreams often do. Really enjoying this one though. Guess I'm in a dreamy mood.

Also audio version of City of Dragons by Robin Hobb. I don't know. Feels a bit unusually childish. Not much adversity. The british lady doing the reading sounds kind of ridiculous doing the male voices also.

Eh. Too tired.

Did a 6/2 12 mile run in 1:48:44. Much faster still then a continuous run. Next up a 3/1 for 12 then maybe 1.5/0.5.

Nervously awaiting results of interview. Probably a fool for applying. Then tried to convince myself of the good of it. Now thinking about probably unfairly not getting it. (sigh). Change is a bad, bad thing.........

The lack of an overriding voice/feel may have caused a lack of sufficient direction, an aimless, random feel to my attempts to write. Impressed with my stupidity that it seems as if this never occurred to me before.

It's hard to describe the voice of most writers. Will make a very bad attempt here: The irreverence (if I'm using the word right) of TH White. The despondency of Lev Grossman. The elegant stoicism of Vance. Susanna Clarke? That's the sort I want to describe, so many successful books have this voice. Don't know how to describe it. A positive feel. Like the narrator cares about the reader and is trying to be delicate with them. I don't know. Hopefully I'll remember later despite not being able to describe it.

If I would want to write. I need an overriding voice and what would that be?

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Not so great at conversation usually. Maybe because I'm too introspective. Maybe because I just find people boring. Thinking about this with possible new job. I don't think I make very good first impression. Thinking about myself at just not talking, leading to awkward silences.

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How can one live like Cocteau Twins music in this dystopia? Such happiness would be moral since mankind has ended.

Just did continuous runs this week. And three times last week too. Can't remember the details of last week. This week I did two 12.5 mile runs and then a 10 mile run. The ten mile was in 97:23. Which sucks. But I suppose for continuous running, is good for me. I could still run/walk faster. But will try to keep at it for at least the next three weeks. Trying to run at least 35 miles a week, which is an improvement. Followed by a set of close grip benches and wide grip pulldowns.

I think lifting extremely hard once a week, increases the injury potential, also just makes lifting really suck. And ultimately doesn't work as well. OTOH, insomnia seems a bit less likely. Maybe.

In order to be happy one must nonconsciously believe that/live as if we're connected. Pyschically(sp) connected. Believing in "imaginary" eyes that can see us, that are with us in our mind all the time, that care about us. Those eyes can be that of a lover, friends/family, the masses, "god"/something completely outside of reality. It's there all the damm time, with us, and we're unaware of it. At the moment of sleep, it can be clearer sometimes.

The concept of crying when alone is a reaching out towards this connection.

It's probably an illusion. But it seems a necessary one. Is it possible to be a part of a community that is so healthy, so closeknit, that one could be happy without this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ic0s__Pc8
Nostalgia

Was looking for info on exercise induced insomnia and other than the same sentence pasted to about 100 different sites all I really found was that a very few other people do seem to get this. Did though find Arthur Lydiard saying that anerobic exercise can lead to insomnia. That and many, many other negative things he claimed.

He caught my attention with that and furthermore in that he said anerobic (interval) training only needed to be added about 4 weeks before a race. That's all it took to get it to about as good as it was going to get while one can slowly improve for years and years by doing aerobic activity daily.

This does actually seem to be largely true. Looking at lifting weights for example. Strength to body weight ratios hardly change at all beyond the first few months (barring drugs). So I'm chucking my interval training and going to steady speed runs on as many days as I can manage. Possibly might try to do 40 miles per week... And once a week, a single 1 mile time trial. Not quite what he advocated but we'll see how it goes.

Supposedly exercise is good for sperm but only if it's "moderate". I don't know how moderate is defined. Apparently 100 miles per week is beyond moderate. Is 30/40 miles a week? I don't know. I have noticed in the past that with daily steady runs I feel increased libido, perhaps that will tell me.