Stepfather tells me today that he wanted me to be just like him. And indeed that's basically what he tried to do. He tried to pound me into his shape.
And for the most part, it didn't work. But he certainly stopped me from reaching my own actual potential.
As I keep seeing him act in inappropriate ways, I wonder what chance really did I ever have to reach my dreams with such a father? And I wonder just what might I have accomplished if not for him? And I wonder if anything can be salvaged at this point?
And realistically, the answer is that nothing really can be salvaged. My dreams are dust. I don't know why I'm here at all anymore.
I guess I'll pretend I'm still trying. Even though I'm locked out.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Firefly Island by Daniel Arenson
Typical sort of fantasy. Girl has super powers that are undeveloped. (the hidden ace up the sleeve.) She's a slave for an ogre.
Started kind of nice but just too light. Stopped reading 70% in. Feel silly for having gone that far.
Drood: A Novel by Dan Simmons
Love the subject matter. Charles Dickens out prowling around through dark parts of London. Also loved Simmons' book The Terror. But the problem here is that no one is likable. Complex characters are one thing, but you've really got to make someone who's actually likable. The main fellow here isn't. And the way he's portraying Dickens makes him also not. Of course his POV may just be wrong. But it's pretty much all we've got to work with.
So I'm not even 25% in (of a long book) and straying away. Straying to a couple biographies of Dickens as I'm curious to see where he got this negative attitude about Dickens. What I've found is gushing in praise. Perhaps Simmons just wanted to be contrary? Also started reading (again) Bleak House.
And have been thinking about why Dickens was a writer and I'm not. Such things as him perhaps having instilled in him a lifelong desire to prove himself? Ever since taken out of school at 12 to work 60 hour weeks in a factory for over a year while money was found to send his sister to a pretigious music academy. That also giving him a direction for his writing.
But then he lived before TV, cars, radio and he lived in London. The world was full of people actually interacting so, so much more and being so much more into books. And he took very closely from his actual life.
Me taking from my actual life would be sad fare indeed. Well 'meagre' would be a better word. And that which I really want to communicate most of all happens to be impossible.
But, told my dad I'm going to start writing his biography. Thinking I need to write based on actual life, and so I want him to just relate stories from his life. Absolutely NO outline. Nothing chronological. Done like Twain did.
Also looking at a biography of Clive Barker. Too soon to know what to think other than wanting to download some books that Barker really liked. Also seeing how from a young age he was constantly making stories and I wasn't.
Typical sort of fantasy. Girl has super powers that are undeveloped. (the hidden ace up the sleeve.) She's a slave for an ogre.
Started kind of nice but just too light. Stopped reading 70% in. Feel silly for having gone that far.
Drood: A Novel by Dan Simmons
Love the subject matter. Charles Dickens out prowling around through dark parts of London. Also loved Simmons' book The Terror. But the problem here is that no one is likable. Complex characters are one thing, but you've really got to make someone who's actually likable. The main fellow here isn't. And the way he's portraying Dickens makes him also not. Of course his POV may just be wrong. But it's pretty much all we've got to work with.
So I'm not even 25% in (of a long book) and straying away. Straying to a couple biographies of Dickens as I'm curious to see where he got this negative attitude about Dickens. What I've found is gushing in praise. Perhaps Simmons just wanted to be contrary? Also started reading (again) Bleak House.
And have been thinking about why Dickens was a writer and I'm not. Such things as him perhaps having instilled in him a lifelong desire to prove himself? Ever since taken out of school at 12 to work 60 hour weeks in a factory for over a year while money was found to send his sister to a pretigious music academy. That also giving him a direction for his writing.
But then he lived before TV, cars, radio and he lived in London. The world was full of people actually interacting so, so much more and being so much more into books. And he took very closely from his actual life.
Me taking from my actual life would be sad fare indeed. Well 'meagre' would be a better word. And that which I really want to communicate most of all happens to be impossible.
But, told my dad I'm going to start writing his biography. Thinking I need to write based on actual life, and so I want him to just relate stories from his life. Absolutely NO outline. Nothing chronological. Done like Twain did.
Also looking at a biography of Clive Barker. Too soon to know what to think other than wanting to download some books that Barker really liked. Also seeing how from a young age he was constantly making stories and I wasn't.
Monday, July 25, 2011
1. And so today my feet don't hurt. My ankes don't hurt. My knees don't hurt and my hips don't hurt. I guess in part because of the omega three's? Also the change in running form. (I landing on my heels now, which supposedly is the wrong way to do it.)
2. No mysterious chest pains, probably thanks to no bench presses.
3. No back pain, mostly thanks to running.
4. No headaches thanks to having stopped consuming caffeine.
5. No insomnia thanks to no caffeine and no heavy weight lifting, at least primarily.
6. And I don't keep waking up at 3am each day. Well, I do so a few times a week. Which actually is nice occasionally. But a lot of days I sleep in till after 9AM. Perhaps thanks to the combination of quarter repeats and 6 mile runs?
No health issues whatsoever. Something I've very much stopped taking for granted. Planning on buying a new waffle iron today for my flax meal waffles. The one I have makes them too thick.
2. No mysterious chest pains, probably thanks to no bench presses.
3. No back pain, mostly thanks to running.
4. No headaches thanks to having stopped consuming caffeine.
5. No insomnia thanks to no caffeine and no heavy weight lifting, at least primarily.
6. And I don't keep waking up at 3am each day. Well, I do so a few times a week. Which actually is nice occasionally. But a lot of days I sleep in till after 9AM. Perhaps thanks to the combination of quarter repeats and 6 mile runs?
No health issues whatsoever. Something I've very much stopped taking for granted. Planning on buying a new waffle iron today for my flax meal waffles. The one I have makes them too thick.
This digital hardware casio cz-101 has a nicer sound than all the virtual synths I've ever tried. I say this tentatively. Each new synth at first is "fresh" and inspiring. But I do think this has just got a sound that for whatever reason just seems "better". I really want to work hard at being able to make my own sounds. I'm pretty much done relying on presets. This synth is good in that respect as the presets really aren't so special. Furthermore I can only store 16 of my own sounds, and without being able to name them. Thus, to use this I really have got to get good at making sounds.
I want to quit being "flexible" and instead do a much better job of taking the sound to exactly where I want it in my head. In the past this has resulted in music that wasn't as good but that's perhaps what it is to be starting out. Perhaps eventually that isn't the case. For certain though, eventually one gets bored with just being pulled along randomly.
(Definitely still have to get an analog synth one of these days though.)
I want to quit being "flexible" and instead do a much better job of taking the sound to exactly where I want it in my head. In the past this has resulted in music that wasn't as good but that's perhaps what it is to be starting out. Perhaps eventually that isn't the case. For certain though, eventually one gets bored with just being pulled along randomly.
(Definitely still have to get an analog synth one of these days though.)
Today went out planning to do quarter repeats again. Same as last workout. But when I did a short warm up run, it felt so easy to go sort of fast, that I decided to see if I could break 25 minutes for 5k. I managed 25:10 (3/1 intervals), which is a PR. Nevermind previous post training plans. Instead quarter repeats, 3/1 5k and 2/1 6 mile each week. Which comes close to speed, tempo, long distance basic training lore. Except not really quite. I am still reinventing the wheel somewhat in that it's all repeats or intervals.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thinking as to running I had originally enjoyed doing a given interval distance for a couple of workouts in a row then switching to something else. I improved when I did that. Lately I've been running a bit closer to what i read online and haven't had any noticeable improvement. So then plan on doing quarter repeats for three workouts and then 3/1 for 3 miles for three workouts, then start over. Did quarter repeats today for the first time in quite a while. Feel good for having done so.
The tunnel is nice and cool, a good 20 degrees cooler at least, probably more. And in the winter it will be a place not covered in snow. How lucky I am that it's there.
The tunnel is nice and cool, a good 20 degrees cooler at least, probably more. And in the winter it will be a place not covered in snow. How lucky I am that it's there.
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