Played owners son and won first set 6-0 and lost second 7-6. Think the primary issue is that my legs got tired and I stand to upright. Need to get lower. Try to have legs twice shoulder width apart even. Need to practice that. Along with continuing to use a super heavy practice racquet (17 ounces at the moment while just using 12.5 in matches). And double continental grip. Tried the topspin forehand a lot last night and just too many unforced errors. Think flattening it out with double continental is probably better for me. Although maybe with better footwork that wouldn't be the case, who knows.
Also want to eventually add in ankle weights when practicing with ball machine. And the wall may not be as fun but in some ways it's better than a ball machine.

Stopped reading Frostborn by Jonathan Moeller on book 5 or 6. Hero blames self for wife's death, which seems a bit stupid. I mean I suppose subconsciously someone could really do that. And communicating the subconscious in a story is very very hard. So they instead just belabour the point to death and it's a bit stupid.

The Runner and The Wizard by Dave Duncan is definitely not his best. He really does a good beginning though. Definitely not the Great Game or a Man of his Word. Completely devoid of magic and quite short. Goes to get a guy to help the Thane keep his power. Meh.

If only I could do a better job of discerning when someone is stupid enough that I ought to avoid their company. Sometimes I have known and just not been able to help myself though. A job as an engineer/scientist at Los Alamos National Laboratory just seemed too good to pass up. A few other times something similar. A few times it was a lady that was just too damn attractive to me such that I so wanted to convince myself otherwise. Sometimes they were relatives I was just stuck with. A few times it was that or just be completely alone. Sometimes I had no way to get away short of doing something drastic.

And ultimately these people have been the cause of all my life's misery.

It was easy to dismiss Kathryn Creek. Never dwelled on her because she was so clearly crazy/stupid. So very clearly. There was nothing there for one to reason with. But I can't dismiss S. Just can't successfully do it for good. I can manage it here and there but I always come back around to the same place. Yes I watched her mistakenly demonize so many people. Yes, she doesn't know herself at all and can't admit any failings about herself.

Reasons to dismiss a person:
1. They're totally fucking crazy.
2. They're really stupid.
3. They can't admit to any shortcomings and don't react well to ever being told they're wrong about anything.
4. They're really really bad at judging people and default to demonizing others.

Blah blah blah blah. No easy formula easily devised.

I know of one/two people I should give more of my time. The rest? Avoid! Well, C White who deactivated his facebook. Roland. Megan the olympian but nothing will come of that. And Cara the neurosurgeon. Unlikely anything will come of that. I think back to working on the floor as a nurse. Damn they were all kind of stupid really. Like really fucking stupid. Wrong unit I guess.

Terrible post but I don't care. Caused a temporary abatement at least..

Annoyed that I can't just finally decide on a grip. On the backhand definitely double eastern forehand grip. On the forehand I had some pretty good success with top hand eastern forehand and bottom semiwestern. I played a girl who actually won a set off me. (She could have played professionally but didn't try due to a shoulder issue). Anyway we split sets and she won the second when she just hit this wicked slice to my forehand. With the easter/semiwestern I was having trouble getting underneath it. May also have been fatiguing mentally or something. I've been losing the second set against a ton of people. But anyway I can hit a great drive with a eastern forehand/semiwestern including crosscourt. The slice isn't as great but I guess it's OK. The problem is the top hand gets in an awkward position when hitting topspin and the tendons in the wrist straight down from my thumb were hurting very very slightly today. So I decided to go back to continental/semiwestern. I had stopped doing it because it seemed like I wasn't accurate when going crosscourt. But perhaps I just had a bad day or two. Today outside it was.... meh. Not terrible. Though not great. But I definitely don't want to develop an injury. Nor do I want to have to play less often to avoid one.

I hope that once and for all, this will be the final grip change. I have been changing grips for like the last two years now. No more changing my grip to try to improve. Moving on to footwork stuff. Planning on buying a more expensive ball machine with horizontal oscillation and topspin/backspin. Just need to get better at moving around as I'm hitting. That and better serve placement. Also I'm bored to tears with jogging so want to get a workout with the horizontal oscillation of the silent partner instead.

Not that it remotely matters but I found this woman extremely attractive because she was almost exactly like S in her mannerisms, her way of talking, and even her body was really similar. But she was black and half a foot taller which makes it a little weird. Really her voice, her smile....

Anyway if she hadn't injured her shoulder she surely would have been a successful pro. Has a forehand like Serena. Was crushing my second serve like no one I've ever played before.

How do characters meet in books? They come across the witch while she is fighting zombies and they help her. Ridmark has a truce with the Orc for some reason.... He saves the Magistri and she goes with him for a common cause. He saves the young man's life and he wants to join his cause. He saves the dwarf's life and he wants to help him too. Cheesy story badly edited. But better than anything I ever wrote. Common cause. Saves people's lives.

...too cheesy to emulate. But that's what I always say it seems. And I've never come close to finishing anything.

Just a critic. Able to focus on the faults. Not able to see the positives enough to put in the effort to create.

So I need to see the positives better and focus on them instead. Not that my creation is cheesy, etc, so much.

Turned the horizontal oscillation on at the indoor courts and loved it. Going to buy one. Wife making me wait a few days.... Even found an awesome one that isn't advertised and only sold directly from the company that is a few hundred cheaper for what it does. And really having trouble doing much exercise outside of playing tennis. Don't feel like spending hours a week running. But a ball machine with horizontal oscillation could run me for hours a week. Easier to run that way, plus playing real tennis.

Had a bunch of matches where I split sets recently. Did so with the owner and his son and Blake the high schooler and Arvind. Also lost a couple times to the 6'7" high schooler who looks like a potential pro. And now also split sets with some reallyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR5VBz8amtg old guy. He didn't look like anything but I guess he was deceptive. Was pretty fast and didn't make unforced errors. Also I was taking it really easy on him. Working on a two hand backhand slice. Seemed like a good shot but he handled it no problem. And I wasn't trying to serve hard.

Still I made a ton errors. Just missed over and over again and split 6-1, 5-7. With all the previous set splitting I was thinking I just don't have my legs back yet. This time though, I really did like no running. Afterwards I hit with the lobster ball machine for an hour, having it run me all over the place and really working on the two handed backhand slice.

But that got me to thinking about hitting less topspin. Seems like less topspin would simplify because that's where I was missing agaisnt the old fellow. Looked up Jimmy Connors backhand and he has the top hand in a continental grip where I'm using a double eastern forehand. So I tried that this morning instead.  I've tried just about every grip but I'm not sure I had tried bottom hand eastern forehand, top continental on both sides. On the backhand side topspin is almost just about impossible. It may have worked for Connors, maybe I would hit less unforced errors but I don't like it and I'm not going to do it. No more grip changes. Just going to stick with double eastern forehand. On the forehand side I can hit it flat with sufficient pace. On the backhand side I have a little less pace. If you have less pace, putting topspin on it stops it from just dying. I don't like watching a flat hit ball die. It just sets up too nicely for an opponent. Yes if you hit it hard and get it in it can work, it did for Connors. But I just don't like it. I want to be able to put topspin on it. And as far as unforced errors, I guess slicing it is an option. No more grip changes.

Work instead on improving my agility. So running forwards and backwards. Skipping side to side. Touching the baseline side to side with my hand to get low.

No more grip changes! OK well I might mess around with an eastern forehand grip on the serve, since I'm hitting everything else with that grip. But otherwise, no more grip changes!

Great players have used all hinds of grips. I just need to improve my legs and practice enough if I want to get any better.

Was reading back over my blog. Starting back when I ran 3 miles on the treadmill in 20:59. Wanted to really see how I trained for that. Then I wondered why I went away from it. First i started going to longer (more painful) intervals. Seems I started also trying to increase my mileage to get ready for a half. Made the mistake of trying to run like that Japanese guy Yuki. Did 12 miles at 8:41 pace that way. Which isn't any good And wore myself out a bit that way. And then got a kidney stone. I didn't watch my hydration anywhere near well enough. And then I quit running. It was my last pb before I quit thanks to the kidney stone.

On the positive, I then got into tennis.

Back then I was thinking harder. Looking for a solution. But I think more of a easy solution. Some kind of formula that I could follow. Now I've quit looking for formulas. Now I have this little guy that takes up my time anyway. But feel like there isn't any formulas. Certainly you don't hear others talk of them. Though perhaps if they had found a formula they very well might not want to share.

But more likely it just comes back to going about things the wrong way. Having something messed up with whatever it is that was/is motivating me. Still I want to write. Simply because I want out. I dislike this world.

Yes.
1. Double eastern forehand grip for groundstrokes And at the net and for overheads excluding the serve. Continental for the serve. Close to what Connors did. But I think he was halfway between continental and eastern forehand. Definitely not the usual continental grip from that era. Hard to believe he was hitting his serve with an eastern forehand grip though.
2. Cup the ball in your palm on the ball toss. Release it from your palm. Avoid finger involvement. Avoid thumb touching it and index finger touching it at all. Lower part of pinky, ring and middle finger can hold it a bit but twist wrist as you bring it up.
3. Hit the serve with your wrist. Hitting it with your arm puts backspin on it and it's far less likely to go in. Wrist snap at contact.
4. On drives follow through upward like Connors even though hitting pretty flat.
5. On two hand backhand slice ball needs to be behind you a bit.
6. Use the two handed groundstrokes more to your advantage on ROS and stand in very close.
7. Do something about terrible footwork! Maybe hopping on one leg will improve it. Maybe not.

B gave me her notebooks. They confirm that she's just flat out wonderful if I had any doubt. We get together like two or three times a week. Including occasionally eating lunch at work. Doing stuff in the evenings with J and Hawthy. She doesn't mind Hawthy at all and likes him. She came to see me just about everyday when I was recovering from heart surgery. It has been a really nice year having her in our life. I would do a lot for her. From simple ethics of course. But, well, and more so.

I wish for happiness for her. I think I make her happy. But I hope she can find a good single guy soon.

Feel the best I've felt in a long time thanks to adding in 1 minute intervals.

I was using a backhand grip that was both thumb knuckles on the 8th bevel. This kept the racquet out in front of me which really reduced errors. But I can't seem to hit winners this way. Maybe if I got my wrists more involved. But it's just so physically demanding to swing hard enough this way. Can't flatten it out very well. I don't know. Just can't play aggressive enough. Too much just getting it back.

On the two hand forehand I was putting both thumb knuckles on bevel 2. Again this kept the racquet out in front of me. Still had plenty of power and can hit flat or with topspin, or slice well. The one problem is I really struggle hitting crosscourt. I errors as often as not. Maybe I should find a way to make it work. But I basically can slice it crosscourt. I just can't figure out how to hit flat or with topspin consistently crosscourt.

So, this last time I played I switched a double continental grip on both sides. No grip change. Hands almost a bit awkwardly locked into place. Arms kind of want to stay extended. Hard to bend elbows. This way I can get tons of power on the backhand and I can hit crosscourt with pace much better. But topspin is just about impossible. Topspin is overrated anyway.... But I feel like I lost a sense of feel for just hitting the ball.

Last night I tried this and I was up 5-1 against the owner who previously I almost always beat 6-4/3. So 5-1 was better. But then I totally lost my feel. Had a few that hit the ground before the net. He won the second set 6-2. Only set he's ever won against me. With this grip I'm also hitting the ball a bit behind me which leads to more errors.

Perhaps with practice I'll get used to this and improve my feel. I did it some last year and it worked not terrible. Or maybe I should just do double eastern forehand for both grounds strokes. Can still hit some topspin. Can still hit flat with decent power. Problem is have to change grip if lunging on backhands. But I can get used to that. The other question is can I hit crosscourt forehands consistently that way?

.....Two days later. Yes. Can hit them very consistently with a double eastern forehand. Against a ball machine almost never miss. Though my follow through did rise. Was watching Connors and how his racquet ended up by his head even hitting flat. Need to do that. I have very little feel with just swinging low on the follow through.

Also figured out the key to a two hand backhand slice is making contact when the ball is behind you a bit. Which means it doesn't work for short balls.

Also floundering a bit with exercise. Now doing 1/3 intervals most days but only for 16 minutes to begin. Very unhappy with my weight sticking up a 220. This is the problem with 80/20 for some people. But also lately I haven't been doing enough of it really. Just 2 to 3 hours a week when it really needs to be like 6 hours at least...

Haven't had a headache in 7 months. Today I feel the slightest twinge. Not enough to call a headache. Though I'm starting my weekend a bit slow. On thursday I felt exhausted in the morning, possibly ran too hard going up to 4mph for the easy stuff. Possibly that damn mandatory flu shot. Anyway with my guard down I ate a little something at work that had allspice in it, which is a berry that also contains sulfites.

Did 7.7 mph for 6:30 couple days back.

Looking into new tennis place that's a much longer drive as it's really drying up nearby.

1. Use a grip that keeps the racquet out in front of you (at the point of contact) on both sides. (base thumb knuckle on bevel 8 for backhand, bevel 2 for two hand forehand).
2. Hit pretty flat or slice on ROS
3. Then next shot you can try to really rip the topspin, unless it's a high ball or very short ball, for a high ball hit flat or slice, also really try to run around the backhand as flat high two hand forehand is best shot. For really short balls, obviously slice. Otherwise though, this is the shot of to probably try to really rip it with topspin.
4. On ball toss. Cup it in your palm. Avoid touching it with fingers.

Done use a single string method. The tension ends up the same for mains and crosses no matter what.

I tried the Gene Mayer style but while using a Murray backhand grip and that way at least I wasn't happy with it. My regular two hand forehand is just so much stronger. Oh well. Maybe I'll mess around with it later using the 8/2 bevel out in front grip.

Found a better ball toss idea. The palm facing down with fingertip release wasn't any better. But I watched Kevin Anderson. He doesn't touch the ball with his fingers. Just keeps it in his palm and turns his wrist a bit at the release point. I tried it in the house and it seemed way way better. Like this will probably end my ball toss issues.

Lost to high school kid 6-4, 6-2. He was at least 6'7" and his first serve percentage was about 75%. Didn't hit any aces but plenty of pace. I returned ok but his groundstrokes were also quite good. My serve was terrible and my legs gave out after a while. Along with the ball toss issue I need to square up to the court more. Turning sideways was OK against Chi but that doesn't mean shit. Hate to say it but I think playing him is hurting my game. Stuff that works against him totally fails against better players. His lack of pace and lack of agility makes me think things can work that can't.

Last I played Chi I switched hands to dominant hand on top like Gene Mayer. Against this high school kid it just didn't seem like a great idea. Sometimes that left hand two hand forehand looks like I've only been hitting it a few hours (which is correct) as opposed to playing tennis probably for 15 years. So I played Santoro style but really I still want to make the switch. My backhand felt weak. Just getting it back. Also I think on the backhand the Murray grip is better than both base thumb knuckles on bevel 8. Murray style I'm more aggressive. Hit more winners while using the latter I mostly just get it back. On the other hand Murray style it starts breaking down after a while and I hit more errors. But at least it's good for a while Murray style.

The other possibility is switching to Gene Mayer style. The right sided "forehand" feels wrong when just swinging racquet in front of TV. But seems to do OK on the court. ..at least against Chi, which isn't saying much.

Son just vomited everywhere. He's been sick this last ten months of cow milk. Was fine with donated breast milk. That's it. Switching to oat/almond milk. Fucking wife is useless. I say we really ought to switch over and over and nothing ever happens, just like with so many other things. I don't want my son to go through life sick. Just threw all the milk away.

Additionally I was trying 80/20 training where I just did the last 20% hard (6 to 9 minutes). This was overtraining. Meant basically running a really hard mile everyday. Wanted to try because I want something really consistent that will go with tennis. Unfortunately it's a no go. Feel very overtrained. Resting heart rate yesterday was 80 (Should be low 60's at least). Maybe for now I'll just be erratic at tennis. Really like the idea of longer hard running (6 to 9 minutes). But clearly I can't do it everyday. I'm guessing about once every 3 days.... Will check heart rate.

Playing Skyrim a third time. This time using mainly magic. Wanted to use it as a jump into writing. Want to make like this other world running parallel to our own, just in my mind. Just this other place. It's a feeling that for now, really works for me. I can see it being useful for me whether or not it ever got published. But, I know, the feeling will probably fade quickly. But, still, I will try.

Continuing Anatomy of an Epidemic by Whitaker. It is sickening, disgusting. As evil as any holocaust. The concept of helping people utterly forgotten as people do whatever to try to keep their high paying jobs.

Finished The Lions of Al Rassan. Meh. OK. Virtually no magic. Had it's moments. Think the third person didn't help. Didn't feel real close to anyone. And a bit too happily ever after. Felt like no major character had any chance of actually dying. They made a big deal about a servant dying who barely spoke a word the whole story. Also they tried to make the two guys amazing but it was more of telling than showing.

Changed my running and tennis. Trying to make the switch to dominant hand on top of the racquet for groundstrokes. I guess for volleys too though not as sure about that. Better in theory. In practice don't hit on the right side as hard. Harder to get topspin so far. And on the left side it feels a little awkward, but there is more access to power and I can hit it good. Actually on the right side (the left handed two hand backhand) I hit it very good flat and as a two hand slice.

Was up on Chi 6-2, 4-1 this way. Doesn't work quite as well with doubles because have to hit a bit harder then. But OK still. Making this change why? Just get sick on my standard two hand backhand. Feel like it's immediately better on my right side than my left. Played the owner last week when not feeling well was up 7-6, 0-3. Had a game where I hit 4 backhand errors in a row. Just suspect I can become better with dominant hand on top. Gene Mayer is only one I know of who did this.

Also changed ball toss. Turned hand palm down so I don't roll the ball off my fingers at the release.

For running I'm trying to first do the easy running followed by the hard running every workout about 80/20. So 36 easy then 9 hard. Or 40/10 or 30/8, etc. I think longer intervals are better but I figured one can get overtrained easily. Also doing hard running every day, I may get overtrained. BUT, I'm still following 80/20, so possibly not. The very first day I had trouble doing 7.1 mph for 7 minutes. The next day it felt very easy and after a minute or so I went up to 7.2 and did 8 minutes. According to Fitzgerald just teaching your mind to handle the pain of this kind of running is important. With shorter faster intervals, your muscles simply give out. With tempo runs, you simply can't do them too often. But running for 7 to 10 minutes... Possibly I can do them often and just get my body used to flowing along for an extended period at a decent speed...

Reading Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. Also gave a copy to B. She thinks she's close to mania. Book says long term outcomes are much worse with medications. That's the message. Extremely well written. Also reading her journals around back when she went manic in 2008. Very beautiful sentiments. Was trying to get closer to god. Sounds like she just pushed herself too hard. I don't believe that hardly anyone (if anyone) has a "broken brain". I think people go through too much in life and breakdown. I think it could have been just a one time thing but now with the anti-psychotic, etc medications she probably has some tardive psychosis possibly. Or in other words, the drugs have made relapse far more likely, along with leaving her fatigued and sometimes snowed under.

Gave up on To Ride Hell's Chasm by Janny Wurts 66% in. Farthest I've ever gone into one of her books. Big vocabulary. Very stilted interactions. Got sick of the phrase "desert born cur". Bad guys two-dimensional. Really belabors the point. Despite the big vocabulary strangely not descriptive in some ways. Felt like it was always night. But don't think that was a feel she was going for. That, I suppose, isn't remotely a bad thing. Just never really cared about anyone. No one felt like a real person. The way the king would have 2 minutes of lucidity every day or so was just silly. I made it much further than I otherwise would have because read it while running.

The hero being ordered to strip and lie down on a cot while awaiting a massuese (sp) in the middle of an investigation in a cellar was quite strange. Not much else to say. Moved a bit slow but the real problem was just not giving a damn about any of the characters.

Now reading The Lions of Al Rassan. by Guy Gavriel Kay. 35% in. Pretty good. Like the characters. They aren't stilted, strange and undeveloped. Tigana was good. Some viking book he wrote was OK.

Feel like I've been doing that 80/20 with the boring slow running forever. It hasn't even been 20 days.... Get impatient so quick and want to pick up the pace. Have been trying to run an hour on workdays before work. Longer on weekends. And some evenings doing incline walking on treadmill. 8% Heart rate about 130. I so want to jump up to 12%. And on to a weighted backpack. It's walking that I feel very impatient about.

Beat the owner of westview 6-2, 6-4. The 3 previous times I won 6-3, 6-4. Maybe I've improved a little. Seems like my groundstrokes have improved. My serve still needs a lot of work. Was OK against the owner but it was kind of bad 4 days later playing doubles. Maybe when I start trying to jump it starts falling apart. Gets a bit ragged. Lose power. Lost my serve a lot playing doubles. My teammate (Hannah) was ridiculous good and other than my serve I was pretty good. Particularly had a problem with them lobbing it into the corner over her head in the deuce serve and then I have to generate all my own power with a back kind of turned away from the court. I put it right to the net man at least three times.

Trying to make sure to hit the ROS flat and then here and there add topspin for the following shots on both sides. My return of serve is good. My groundstrokes are really doing well. Think the slow running is helping.

Read the free sample of ordered the paperback book (so B can borrow it) of Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. Follow up to Mad in America. Seems like a very important book / subject.

Played tennis against the hardest hitter I've ever faced yesterday. He won the first set 6-1. Took a while to get used to the speed. Second set I was up 5-3 before I was just so exhausted. He won the last 4 games though I think 3 went to deuce.

Ideally I'd run around my backhand a bit more and/or be a little more aggressive with it. And also be more aggressive with my forehand. I was a bit stuck in playing defensive. The top thing was I would like to run around my backhand more. But as it was I almost quit before the second set was over because I was just so exhausted. My stamina is improving but I'm still only 4 months out from open heart surgery.

This guy really hit crazy hard. About 6'2" and I'd guess at least 240. Very strong. Huge serve. The kick put it above my head on the second serve. First serve and heavy topspin forehand were the hardest I've ever faced. Enjoyed it. Actually drew a crowd (of 4 people). I did great on the ROS. Hitting two handed on both sides I guess helps as expected. But I hardly hit any winners. Just getting it back and making him move enough that he would hit errors. It would be nice to be a bit more aggressive.

But seriously, this guy hit harder than most pros. If not almost all pros. Former college player who weighs 240.

Would like to have been more aggressive. Need to run around that backhand more. Also my serve wasn't so hard today. Not sure why. Maybe was getting tired from all the running I did. Also previous match I played indoors on a fast surface. Today outside on a humid day where it started sprinkling right at the end.

Very happy with my version of the 80/20 training so far. Bought a HR monitor that hasn't arrived yet. Jogging before work while reading is awesome.

Finishing up the Library at Mount Char by Scott Hawkins. Reads like it's by a woman. Sort of. I thought. Which is neither a bad or good thing of course. Good and yet somewhat weird book. Really quite good. Now at the end nostalgia for the far past. Really like how it moves around through time. Usually dislike that but this is done with nostalgia. She's remembering what she forgot. Has a all powerful "wizard" who isn't nice. He "adopts" 12 children when their families die who are more like apprentices who each learn one of 12 "magical" disciplines. He routinely tortures and kills them (and resurrects them) as discipline. Also David rapes, kills, etc. Dark book. Good.

Right knee hurts. The knee that has the occasionally issue. Possibly hill sprints. Maybe just too much high intensity. Just read 80/20 training by Matt Fitzgerald. Going again to try to do that 80% super slow running. For me it's super slow. Maybe someday if I stuck with it long enough it'd get halfway fast. I recall on the treadmilll with no incline running like 10 minute miles at least, long ago at maffetone HR. And I really didn't stick with that very long. This time I'm reading while running so maybe I'll do better.

Right knee hurts just a little. Still going to play tennis this evening.... Probably going to lose to a guy I used to always beat. Just don't have the legs. Also I have something wrong with the muscle or something that lifts my right leg. Normally just bothers me when turning over when sleeping. But for the first time just now hurt when lunging forward.

I was lunging forward because I was juggling and threw it too far in front. With two or so hours of practice I can almost juggle three balls for a minute now cascade style. Well maybe 30 seconds so far. But improving fast. At first I was doing shower style not realizing how much harder that is. Also working on fountain so I can do four. Like how it makes me feel mentally. There is something neat about it. Always had wanted to do it. Really doesn't take much time. Figure with ten hours practice I definitely should be able to juggle four. Should be able to do three pretty well with another hour or so.

Moved to the hill for my sprints. Did 10 where last time only did six. My back felt it a little. Stride possibly slightly too long. Knee was perfectly fine though! Played a tougher tennis opponent. Made me run a lot more and just about collapsed. Need to make some kind of change to improve upon this. Jumped rope today. I couldn't even do it for a minute, lol. I used to be able to easily go for five. So I did 6 sets of 30 seconds. Hopefully that's been my problem and my tennis will improve now with working on this. I had read jumping rope is the most important thing you can do for tennis training. Also I recall Connors did it, at least when young with grandad. I hadn't done it because I think it was a headache trigger, that degree of bouncing up and down (as opposed to running.... but running has possibly been a trigger too....) But I haven't had a headache in quite close to six months now. Think avoiding yeast risen bread has really helped me.

Read a study that compared 4x4 min, 4x8 and 4x16 min. Found 4x8 worked best. Very stupid because 4x4 is only 16 total minutes while 4x8 is a much better 32 and 16 minute intervals aren't even really intervals. Seems highly likely that 8x4 minutes would work better. Can't say for certain. But bet they would find that. So, doing that for the bike. Thing is, despite the biking I've done so far, I played terrible tennis the other day. All kinds of enforced errors, not to mention getting exhausted. This compared to how I felt against Chi when I was doing stairs two at a time. Perhaps the greater ROM makes a big difference.

Workout plan now is 4 minute intervals running and biking, aiming for 32 total minutes. 15 to 25 or so second "sprint" intervals up the hill for hopefully well beyond 10 reps. Jumping rope, hopefully getting up to 10 minutes at least. Some stair walking with 25 pound pack.
1. 4 min runs
2. jumping rope/stairs/4 min bike (high resistance)
3. hill sprints
4. tennis
(5 min weight lifting on fridays)

Watched a video and within 45 minutes can juggle. First tried it doing it the wrong way and did it, the cascade, but it's really really hard that way.

So after voting to read that terrible book, The Passage. This month that book group voted for The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson. Sounded to me like the zany adventures of Walter Gump (Mitty/Forest). The one guy assured me it wasn't and compared it to Douglas Adams. I read the free kindle sample. He steals a suitcase that it turns out was owned by some hardened criminal who is now after him and it's some kind of comedy and I've seen this movie many a time already, why would I want to read a book that adds nothing to many light movies I've already seen. Movies I can't remember the name of. Like Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels but with less of an edge I guess. Stupid book. A best seller of course. And I'm done with that book club. They're just going to pick best sellers every month.

And it's nothing like Douglas Adams. That guy is an idiot to make that comparison. Lost all respect for him by saying that. It's similar in that they're both attempting to be funny. What the fuck?

Instead I read my own suggestion, The Suicide Motor Club by Christopher Buehlman. It jumped around a bit much. Also gore and excessive killing isn't really my thing. But he really brought the characters to life. Such details of their life. So real. Felt the mother's anguish for her son more so than just about in any other book. All the little details she remembered about him made him so real. And so it was with just about everyone. He made them real and such a good ending too.

All in all not quite as good as Lesser Dead because of the way it jumped around. Also the bad guys weren't as cool, interesting, etc as in Lesser Dead. Really they were dumbasses. But still a good book.

The Vegetarian by Han Kang.
Reading of course because I'm a near ethical vegan. Really boring book. Boring characters. Don't care about them. Quit 60% in. Not much worth saying. Artist guy just seems like a pervert. The lady who went vegan ought to be able to explain why at least somewhat. Otherwise I'd divorce her too and I even am a vegan. So she's just annoying. Blah.

The Age of Myth by Michael Sullivan.
Pretentious title. Was a nice book though. Unfortunately first of a series that isn't finished yet. And I barely remembered the book until opening it back up. Can't remember anyone's name. Guy kills a "god". Everyone thought they were immortal but they weren't. Little village. Now "gods" are pissed. But end up having one of them helping them. Silly little book but was enjoyable.

SPQR by Mary Beard
Thought from the NPR interview she'd spend way more talking about how the actual people lived but so far it's just been endless rulers/politics. Kind of stopped 52% in. I guess I'll try a bit more. She does say unfortunately that's just what we know about. Don't know as much about the actual people. Both she and Michael Parenti basically make Cicero sound like an asshole. I guess it's a good history.

Today I got up at 4:45am and did 6 100 meter (about) wind sprints outside my house. It was pretty easy to do and it at least seemed like I was going pretty good.  I'm sure slower than 12.0 but surely faster than 15. Been so long I guess hard to say. I stopped at six because I'm worried I'll be feeling it in my back or knees later, though they felt OK at the time.Why would I be doing such a thing anyway?

Originally I was annoyed that I was practically collapsing while playing doubles tennis, so I was trying to strengthen my legs and so I decided to sprint up some stairs. I immediately played such better tennis that I was like I got to sprint stairs all the time! And then..... I had a day where I hurt my knee. (Thursday?) Not sure how. I had done some stair sprinting, some treadmill running at 8% incline (thinking similar to stairs) with 30 second bursts and mowed someone's lawn. I don't know which of the three did it. But then it didn't feel great sprinting stairs for a day or so.

I think I took Friday off....? Tennis Saturday morning (6-1, 6-0, 6-2 against Yang) but was ready to collapse at the end. Why? The heat? Legs not strong enough? So I went back to the exercise bike Saturday evening and did intervals where I put it on its max resistance (22) for 30 seconds and then went easy for 3:40 (8 to 10 at 10 mph or so). Did this for 50 minutes and really liked how it felt. Sunday just went "easy" on it for 60 minutes (gradually increasing resistance from 10 to 14).

OK. So I'm unhappy with how tired I still get playing tennis. Thinking it's my legs. But could it just be issues with the heat? I don't know. So I've been sprinting stairs and riding a bike. But then mixed in here is that I would like to run a decently fast 5k one of these days. And I guess I got to thinking about that guy I knew in the military who ran a 4:05 mile (and abruptly quit training for some reason) based off of 40 sprints of 100 meters (walk 100 inbetween) M, W, F and then a 5 mile run on T and Th. I had tried it myself and felt Horrible. Didn't make it even a couple days I don't think. All those sprints, even when going really slow, my chest felt funny. Of course I didn't work into it slow enough. (Also think i was bouncing the bar off my chest a bit doing heavy bench presses, gave me pleural issues for years back then, doh).

But I've thought of this here and there. And.... got up this morning and did six sprints. And they felt so easy. I guess because of the stair sprinting and hard intervals on the bike. So I find myself planning to do:
Day 1- lots of 100 meters sprints
Day 2- 30 minute run
Day 3- bike intervals at max resistance increasingly longer and longer for close to an hour
Day 4- an easy hour bike.
Maybe spread across 4 days, but maybe 6 or so, depending on tennis, etc. But maybe my knees or back will feel the sprinting later. We'll see. And in retrospect maybe I should just do them up a hill. Today I did the first 60 meters on a flat. A hill would probably be better for my long term health, though it's harder on a hill. On a flat I just feel like I'm spinning along against no resistance.

Another issue is that I'm only going to do those sprints in the early morning when everyone is still asleep. Because it's just too strange for a 43 year old (or just about anyone) to be doing such a thing in this here world. But worried I'll be exhausted at work. But, I sure feel fine after doing six. Six was very easy. Though, again, it mostly wasn't up a hill. If I move up the road a little maybe it will take it out of me much more. Also there may be days I'm supposed to do the sprints where I really don't want to get up so early. And then soon enough it will snowing instead of too hot outside. We'll see.

Another thing worth mentioning is that it's a reclining bike and I can (and do) read a book while on it. Though not when I have the resistance at 22. Considering that multitasking, it's not really that much time spent on exercise...

Anyway running a 400 in 80+ seconds is ridiculous. No wonder my 5k best was only 22 minutes. A bunch of 100 meter sprints, whether or not they're on a hill, and if I don't injure myself, I should be able to run a 400 surely in less than 70 pretty quick, if I don't just hurt my knee, etc. And then with just a bit of endurance I should be able to run longer distances faster. Perhaps.

All that anaerobic stuff makes you want to lay around and sleep. But then throw in the longer aerobic stuff and it has the opposite effect. Hence waking up at 4am this morning. Slept great though.

So I'm 43 and I'm running wind sprints at 4:45 AM before work. Kind of silly. Most likely I'll stop very soon due to injury or whatever.

Want to really work on this post for a long time. Possibly rereading all of these. Really understanding in great detail what I like about each.

Favorite writers and why...
Lev Grossman-.. Felt like it is a very realistic examination of the fascination with the Narnia books.... J liked it was like Potter but darker and more realistic characters. Like almost truly realistic characters in a fantasy fiction setting.


Robin Hobb- in Farseer, etc she stays in first person with just Fitz throughout and puts him through hell. Endless injustice and he is affected by it. Permanently. He's not some stoic super hero. He's affected and the reader cares. Meanwhile it's a world full of mystery. The magic is left vague. There is a real feeling of history and realness to the world. Plots are nothing special.

It tantalizes in that you know Verity and Fitz have great Skill abilities/potentials yet you wait and wait and wait for them to actually use them. To finally right past injustices. Fitz's Skill and Wit are both denied him for so long and you wait and wait.

Fitz has a true friend throughout that he can communicate with telepathically. What an escapist dream. Just the two of them through the dark cold nights traveling.

In Liveships we have such pain. The bad guy Kennit, something horrible was done to him as a child. The Mad Ship finally just abandoned, blind. The young boy who's father reads like some ME stereotype. Cutting his own finger off. And the mystery of bringing back dragons. The symbolism of the return of magic to the world. What will happen? What will they be like? The serpents trying to find their memories. (Mystery, etc, page turning).

Mervyn Peake
The characterizations are so detailed and... strange. They stay with you. Though little actually happens and really not a page turner.

Brent Weeks (night angel)
Escapism. To be such a badass. Even actually returning from the dead.
Third person. Starts by showing just how pitiful Azoth is. Shows doesn't tell as he tries to complete a task.
Got so engrossed in the story again forgot I was analyzing it.


Dave Duncan ( A man of his word/a few good men, also the Great Game)
Tough one to summarize. Seriously underrated. Rap has perfect morals and very very slowly turns into the ultimate bad ass. And he holds back from showing what he's capable of.

The guy in the Great Game has the same morals. Great job on the setting.

Wrinkle in Time and the rest of the series
I don't know now. Extreme nostalgia. Didn't really have much to compare to. Still I love these and somehow I picture S. as Meg, which drives me crazy somehow. Hearing about being young and getting home from school and looking in the fridge for a snack and having a liverwurst and cream cheese sandwich. And the rock out back. The sky. The garden. I don't know?? I can't explain.

So Charles is a genius. That's nice. Loved the Swiftly Tilting Planet cover with Charles on the unicorn and demons grabbing for them in the clouds. At Tara in this fateful hour....

Narnia
How I'd love to slip into another world through a closet. Nostalgia.

Tschai
Everything Vancian. Worlds made so complete with so few words. Here they don't believe he's from another world. Religion is used to subjugate man. The most competent man. A typical hero I suppose. And a stoic. Not touched by the hardships that happen to him. One can adopt this attitude IRL. If necessary.

Gene Wolfe
Hard to explain..... A stoic like Vance....

Drizzt
Escapist. Bad ass fighter in a simple easy to understand world. Bad guys are clear. Beat them with your sword fighting. Yet Drizzt is like a real person. Affected by being a good person yet stuck in such a terrible dystopia. Surrounded by Dark Elves.

Also really like Anthony Ryan, Aldous Huxley, Tolkien, Kundera, Robert Tressel, Richard Adams, Christopher Buehlman, Charles Bukowski, Dickens, Leguin, Lovecraft, Murakami, Stapleton, Sheri Tepper, TH White, Paar Lagerkvist....

I last timed a run two years ago. 2 miles in 14:10. I last labeled a post with running in May 2015. 16 months ago. I guess I quit running and just played tennis instead. Not a terrible thing I guess. Not much time to do both and spend time with wife, son, etc. But since heart surgery and being forced to be completely sedentary, I really find myself wanting to get back into it. I miss it. So trying to run just about everyday right now. Which is different. Previously I was running 3 or 4 times a week. Just maybe I'll get way faster than ever before with this greater frequency? My plan is to just run hard once a week. The rest of the time go really really slow. And not even worry about my speed. Right now slower than a walk actually. In fact I've been reading a book on my smart phone while running. Although I have to run in a long tunnel or when it's dark to do that. Going so slow makes it much easier to stick with it. I jog the 0.6 miles to my car after work even. Terribly slow though. But I feel like it's still worthwhile. Like how it's making me feel. Also switching to ball striking. Hopefully a high frequency of runs will stop me from getting much calf soreness. Jury is still out on that.

So today did my first time trial. It is 12 weeks since surgery. My resting heart rate is in the 70's when it used to be in the 50's. My ejection fraction is only "low normal". The cardiologist says these things will improve. Anyway, 9:58 for one mile. Average of 10:28 for two.

But it's been 16 freakin months since I really did any hard running.I shouldn't get too worried about how the heart surgery may have affected things.

12 weeks out. Been running hard. Want to get back into that. Provided I don't start getting headaches again. And played tennis wednesday with Chi. No two hand backhand though. Would like to switch to dominant hand on top for groundstrokes like Gene Mayer. Hoping to play in two hours but looks like a big storm is coming.

Read a bunch of stories by Fredric Brown. I had remembered from 20 years ago the talking donkey. Very, very dated stories. Read them while jogging. LIke them but ultimately didn't read all 33. Not much worth saying except that whole sci-fi age is just behind us now I guess. Innovation has slowed down such (not even a space program really at the moment) that people lost interest. And I guess there's only so many stories about first time alien encounters, which is mostly what he wrote about. I will say they have more meat to them than most stories these days as far as plot/things actually happening that you can't see coming. That's largely a function of short stories though.

Read Justin Cronin, The Passage. It was for an online book discussion club. There's not much to discuss except how it's not really very good. Best seller of course. 900 pages with a cliff hanger ending. Zero interest in the next book. Most of the characters felt the same. Not distinct. Also randomly influenced by the 12 prime vampires... just makes it pointlessly random. Don't really care when people die. Blah. I will say I can't put my finger as easily upon why it's not very good. That could be me getting old though.

City of Blades by Robert Jackson Bennett. The follow up to City of Stairs. Loved the beginning of Stairs, where there is the mystery of the departed gods. Was hoping they'd return. They sort of do. But just to be killed off for good. Blades seems to be the same idea. Characters aren't terribly interesting. Well Sigrud is good. A bad ass who's been put through hell. But otherwise not so interesting. Reads like it was written by a women, kind of. Almost like detective/mystery novels also, which wasn't, and apparently still isn't my thing.

Was hoping for a rainless miracle.... now the wind is blowing really hard... but the dark clouds are kind of past... Please....? Sprinkling but the heat could dry it fast...

The Iron Dragon's Daughter by Michael Swanwick. 33% in. Meh. YA. A bit. Started in a factory where children worked like slaves. Combined with magic. She escapes on a "dragon". Now she's going to a high school but they're looking for her. Bit to YA.

Ash by Mary Gentle. You'd think with rapping 8 year olds and so on it'd be very grim and adult like but no. Not really. Read a review. Bit of a stereotypical light romance like women always write.

Bad habit lately of finishing bad books. Related to buying them. These days that first 10% (the free sample) are really good.

50 days out and so impatient. So sick of no athletics as a distraction. Hope my sternum hurries up and heals. Had some moral outrage. But not the last day or two... Have decent book idea related to empathy and the afterlife.... Still problematic. The bigger thing was the main character has a loving and at least somewhat wise father. Instead of being in hell and so miserable that I couldn't stand to go into the world.

There is happiness in minimalism. Eating an entire pie generally doesn't make you any happier than a single piece. Relying on your imagination to fill in the blanks is usually so much better than the alternative in modern society concerning many things.

Going back to work next week. Unhappy to be going back and not entirely sure I'm up to it.

I think empathy comes first. Not trying harder than most to practice the golden rule.

33 days out and don't feel so cranky. Except my paper got rejected and I'm not up to the revisions within the deadline as I'm not going to be at work for a few more weeks I guess. Finally doesn't hurt to breathe hardly at all but I can't quite yawn yet.

Son had tubes put in his ears today. It's because my wife couldn't produce breast milk and we thought it best to do cow milk till 2. Eventually I plan to get rid of milk as it's terrible for you.

I recently also read The Dark Tower, Till We Have Faces and The Great Divorce all by CS Lewis. Till We Have Faces was excellent and I wondered how I couldn't have known of it. Turns out Lewis also thought it was his best but it was never popular. A big theme in it was jealousy. The Great Divorce has a lot about people finding ways to refuse to admit they're wrong. Holding on to erroneous thoughts. I'm not a christian but I have always liked his writing. The Dark Tower starts out great with the Stinging Man but I thought took a wrong turn in making one of the people from their reality into one. I see why he didn't finish it.

And I read two books....The Nethergrim and The Skeleth by Matthew Jobin. Not terrible. Not quite as childish as the covers looked. Not quite. Think I need to take a break from that sort of thing though.

Now that I've been off almost 5 weeks, I feel about ready to start writing. Maybe my x-ray tomorrow will show my sternum not healing correctly. I'll leave that as just a vague hope. Starting to feel good enough that I kind of am enjoying being at home. Need to write about things that actually matter to me and do it in a selfish matter. Write something that will increase my own version of 'spirituality". And make real characters. That's always been my problem. Distinct characters.

B. loves Lewis and I borrowed those books from her. Like her so much better than her sister actually. Her sister was a mess though I surely would have put up with her till I died if she hadn't cut J and I from her life. I guess people a lot of people would think B is a mess also. I think very highly of her.  Wish I could find her a man that would appreciate her. She is 37. Hate to think she will never have children. She would like too.

Also spent quite a bit of time the last few days messing around with synth1. Drum presets and trying to locate some other really good presets. Making the sounds may be better but you really just need some main truly good presets as your starting point. At first very very happy with the drum sounds. Thought it better than what I'd ever done before as I've always neglected drums. I've really lost it musically though. I stopped improvising. In part because something went wrong with my midi. Just programming the notes probably doesn't work as well. But... I still have the esq1 on analog and I haven't improvised anything special there. I did spend a couple days really trying to make sounds with it and ultimately wasn't super impressed.... But I know it can sound good with many tracks....

Was thinking it's like the artist who starts out wanting to express something that is in him and eventually he just becomes preoccupied with the process and doesn't really have anything left to express. I don't hear the music off in the distance as I fall asleep anymore. Original songs don't play in my dreams anymore. There's nothing anymore I want to use music to explain to the world.

23 days out. Feeling quite cranky. So sick of laying around. And my heart continues to really pound. Not happy really with my progress, though I suppose I'm progressing.

Teh Dragonbone Chair by Tad Williams
This is so absurdly long winded. There has been so very little to happen. I give up at 75%. This is just a chore. I was thinking maybe he'd become a better as he went along. Also was waiting for the Sithi. This is just writing that's been churned out. He heard he needed to get his 500 or whatever and he made sure to churn them out.

Hollow World by Michael Sullivan
Sci fi is dying. Very hard to do it and be any good. This did have some nice ideas about the future. Plot was quite silly. Certainly better than Tad Williams though.

Dawn of Wonder by Jonathan Renshaw
Pretty good. Boy at school for marshalls that are sort of like secret agent men I think in the middle ages. Vague magic. First book was quite long. 900 pages. I enjoyed. Good read while going through my ordeal. Wish the rest of the series was already completed. He really puts in some good philosophical points while keeping it a page turner.

Having trouble finding a good book lately. I'm so not at my best right now for thinking or anything. I'm thankful I've had a decent number of visitors. Mainly B like 3 our or 4 days, the sister of S, who whatever the fuck happened I don't really know. Some kind of jealousy. Hopefully B will never do something ugly like that. So sick of that sort of thing. The thing is to see how a person treats other people and based off that she really does not appear to be that sort of person. Not remotely. Seems a very good person. Not a miserable misanthrope jealous of other's happiness or whatever.

I have no inspiration. What I had in the past was based off of unhappiness. And that just isn't the way to get it done. Now I'm not really unhappy. Just cranky about physical pain and laying around for close to 4 weeks now. So sick of TV/movies. Getting tired of music even. I think. I don't know.
Get nauseuaueues if I eat much. Find myself turning to thinking about sex as I'm really running out of ideas lately. Hurt too much for hard thinking. Feeling quite cranky that my wife is a foot shorter than me and outweighs me by 40 pounds. No point in complaining about it to anyone. No point talking about it at all. It wouldn't bother me so much except I'm stuck sitting here in the this recliner and just out of things I can do. Can't go do sports, or projects, or even go for a walk. Can't think hard, so being creative is out. More cerebral, anti-page turner books are beyond me mentally right now. Can't go to work. Can't even sit outside and relax because of the locust swarm.

12 days out from open heart surgery. Today I feel like a functioning human being again.

Favorite series:
Lev Grossman
Robin Hobb
Mervyn Peake
Brent Weeks (night angel)
Dave Duncan ( A man of his word/a few good men, also the Great Game)
Wrinkle in Time
Narnia
Tschai
Gene Wolfe
Drizzt

Also really like Anthony Ryan, Aldous Huxley, Tolkien, Kundera, Robert Tressel, Richard Adams, Christopher Buehlman, Charles Bukowski, Dickens, Leguin, Lovecraft, Murakami, Stapleton, Sheri Tepper, TH White, Paar Lagerkvist......

The Axe and the Throne by Ireman. Barely remember it now.... been awhile. Has lumbering large viking types. Uncompleted series I shouldn't have started. Wasn't impressed enough to reread the first book which I've already mostly forgotten.

Pierce Brown space trilogy Red Rising, Golden Son, Morning Star. Has a leftist revolution. That got me interested. Society divided along very sharp lines. The Reds are the lowest. The workers. There are pinks, etc. All ruled by the Golds who act vaguely like the ancient Romans. But I stopped 75% into the final book. It got so boring. Space warfare is so boring.

Dave Duncan-Speak to Devils and When the Saints. Not his best stuff. Magic starts as a voice that you pray to. Did like the era (15th century).

Going to have open heart surgery to replace my ascending aortic artery in a few weeks. This has been looming over my head since I was less than ten. I'll get to be off work for a month and it can't hurt as bad as kidney stones. And until then I'm expected to be sedentary so really looking forward to getting this over with and getting back to tennis.

Hope I don't die because that would mean my one year old son would grow up without a father I guess. Joanna claims she wouldn't remarry. I certainly wouldn't want her to not remarry. Anyway though I would like to be there for him and make sure things don't repeat. But really he could grow up in an orphanage and he'd still get taken care of enough that things wouldn't repeat.

Was thinking I know the real reason I wanted to write so much but wasn't successful. I have some intense feelings but I can't multitask well enough. I can't hold on to those intense feelings while also thinking about typing, grammar, etc. I can type etc pretty well but it's enough that the intense feeling is deadened. So they say to write like it's a grind, 500 words everyday. Every time I've done that all the intense feeling that was the real reason I wanted to is quickly lost. To successfully write I would have to somehow hold onto those intense feelings while putting down words. Perhaps if I could hold onto those feelings for say 2% of the words...

“When will it ever end? Why won’t they stop? Why won’t they see? When will this horror end?” She says as if she’s pleading to someone, but not me. Because I can’t stop them.

 

In the afterlife we are all hunted by those we have wronged.

When they catch us, what then? What happens to us? They are stuck there forever. Ghosts forever living their terrible end. All who have had terrible ends are ghosts forever caught, unable to forget. Forever seeking a revenge that can never be quenched.

Read the Great Game by Dave Duncan. Protag just like Rap, super good guy. Very good trilogy. Really like Duncan. Very nice ending. (He lives and gets the girl). Goods in another world who get their power by being worshiped, etc. But one god gets out of hand and the hero it is prophesied will kill him.

Also read The Eye of Strife by him which was an interesting style. Each person's very different POV. Sort of a fantasy fiction mystery.

Also read the a trilogy by Harry Connolly The Way into Chaos/Magic/Darkness. It was good. Though the guy main character (Tejohn) was kind of a boring fellow really. A very good guy though. Cazia, the main lady, was a bit of a bitch in the beginning. Infectious monsters running amuck. Some Deus Machina (sp) I suppose. both nice trilogies.

Had been listening to the beautiful Skyrim soundtrack on Pandora and it got me wanting to play it again. It would be nice to write stories that sort of take place there. The thing is have to have characters. That was always my real weak point. As Duncan points out. Setting is easy. Characters are hard.

Finally figured it out once and for all. More or less.

Hit with two hands for both backhand and forehand. Hit flat. Use an oversized racquet which is heavy and strung loose so you can swing smooth and slow and still hit hard. Preferably extra long. Hit the ball out in front of you. Use a topspin grip in order to hit it out in front of you. So on the right side, both base thumb knuckles on bevel two and on the left both base thumb knuckles on bevel 8.

Been playing with a double eastern forehand grip on both sides and just hitting really flat. Today I played the #1 ranked player from Frostburg State and lost 7-6, 4-6 and 10-12 in the ten point tiebreak. The biggest thing I could improve upon was short balls coming to my backhand. In the past handled those better by slicing them. But had been experimenting with an eastern forehand grip slice, decided I prefer continental grip slice. But it's really rusty now. So I was just hitting a two hand backhand and without topspin it's a harder shot on short low balls. But, that's a relatively easily improved thing. Net play also wasn't good. Missed a lot of put aways. But anyway, played a #1 ranked college player even so I guess that's good. 

Staying home from work today because it's like a blizzard out there. Everyone else is going to work though. I don't have four wheel drive. Others do or got a ride with someone who does. Or they have direct patient care. I don't. I really shouldn't feel like I have to risk my life. But worry what others will think. It's all quite stupid. 

Played Jay C again and alas! Lost again. Was up 5-2 and lost 6-7, 3-6. He just breaks me down. Hits short balls. Hits deep balls, Fast balls, slow balls, Heavy topspin, slice. Sharp angles and eventually I start hitting errors. This time I really tried to stay leaning down into the ball and did the new serve thing. May have helped slightly... well that's being optimistic. Lost by about the same score as usual.

I've changed my grips so many times. I think today once I was getting worn down some more topspin would have helped. Against lesser players I don't get broken down and I can hit flat balls with precision. Today I eventually really could have used more topspin. The backhand especially broke down. So I'm going to change my grip, yet again. Going back to double bevel 8 on the backhand and double bevel 2 on the forehand.

I've done this before but I thought with the new super powerful racquet I have even less room for error hitting flat.

....so I tried it against Blake H (the really good high school player) and lost the first set 6-1 and was down 3-1 in the second. I was using a semiwestern/continental grip on the backhand and the top hand in semi-western always has added errors. Additionally not having the bottom hand wrapped over a little just leaves it feeling "wrong". On the forehand side I was going continental/semiwestern. It didn't feel as bad but the extra topspin is an extra calculation.

I switched back to my old backhand then and used the new grip on the forehand but not really trying to hit so much topspin and I came back and won the second set and then a tiebreak 10-4.

The Andy Murray grip backhand works good except when I play a really good player like Jay C. Then it finally gets broke down. Now going to try the old double eastern forehand grip on both sides. This means less access to topspin. But I think it will break down less. I think it won't look as nice against a ball machine. But against good players I will hit less unforced errors while still being capable of hitting winners. It means hitting the ball beside my body instead of out in front of me and I think that's actually preferable and leads to more consistency. Just less topspin.

This is what I did last summer and I quit it because I decided I needed more topspin. All these other good players hit balls that look like pros and I'm looking not as smooth and hitting a Connors ball.

I may be mistaken but will try this a few times. The thing is, how it works against mediocre players and a ball machine isn't the same as how it may work against a really good player. When I don't have time or I'm getting worn down by shot after shot, running all over the place, I still want to be able to hit a decent shot then instead of falling apart. The real test is how I will do next time against Jay C.

Looking forward to playing Jay C again. This last time he only won 1-6, 7-5 (10-7). I was up 6-1, 3-1 when I fell apart. I think switching to the max p really helped me get that far. Now I've made a couple changes that I think will take me further.
1. Remembering to lean down, keep my head down, on groundstrokes. This will hopefully stop me from getting tentative and having my groundstrokes fall apart. Seems to work.
2. Tossing the ball while not otherwise doing anything. Thus a much higher ball toss. Combining this with a platform stance similar to Fed/Sampras.The ball toss was so so much more consistent the one time I've done this.

After splitting sets with Jay C I then played Alex V and played pretty bad and won 6-3, 7-6. He also played very well. Then 4.5 doubles and played very well. At one point won 8 games in a row and was the best player on the court. I really do well with doubles when I crowd the net as tall as I am. My serve was erratic this day though. I then played a 65 or so year old guy who was really pretty decent. I won 6-1, 6-2 and felt like my groundstrokes were really shaky. He was doing a good job of hitting short low balls. And in return I was slicing a lot and coming to the net. And I played the net very well.

Then played Ab M with doing the two things mentioned above and won 6-0, 6-1, 6-0. This was also the first time weighting the Max P up to 13 ounces. Had a lot of balls just catching the tape or barely long. But my serve was the best it's ever been. Both a high percentage of first serves in and plenty hitting the lines. Ab M couldn't get the ball back. Was really hitting up the T well, though need to improve my out wide accuracy.

Also increased the tension up to 55 on the mains the last few times. I suppose I have very slightly less power. And do have more control. And it isn't hurting my arm. Not feeling the topspin though. Find myself just wanting to hit flat mostly. Topspin does add so much more of a calculation and even at a higher tension not so sure of the consistency of how the ball comes off the racquet with much topspin.

Unable to do anything outdoors and feeling stir crazy at the moment.

It's much easier to be "original" in your artistry than it is to copy. Being original means just doing whatever pops into your head, improvising on a keyboard or whatever. But to the extent you're truly original, chances are good that your art is going to be a completely solitary endeavor. Unless you somehow manage to re-invent most of what others did, it's probably going to be kind of crude and there will probably be little interest in it.

To copy or to imitate is harder. It takes actual work trying to sound like someone else, learning someone else's music or style. It's also far more likely to lead to making something that actually sounds good.

But ideally you should be doing both. You absolutely should spend time trying to sound like or learn the style of other artists. You may find that you just can't imitate someone, in which case you then attempt to imitate someone else, and someone else, etc. Ultimately you should go from imitation, to incorporating and finding "your own voice". You should be far more worried about sounding crude/rudimentary and just not very good, than in sounding unoriginal.

To the extent you go towards highly original, it's almost certainly going to be a solitary hobby.

But, sometimes you just have stuff in you that has to come out. It's not that you're what to be a good musician or painter or whatever. It's that there are images or music that's just already there in you. Music your subconscious wrote in dreams, etc. And you're just want a solid copy of it. Something so you won't forget it. Or you want to flesh it out a bit. Sometimes you don't care at all if anyone else is ever even slightly interested.

Or sometimes you start out doing the latter and then over the years slowly forget and then end up eventually thinking, gee I should have done the former. I should have spent more time trying to imitate. But you've just forgotten that being popular, and for that matter, sounding particularly good had pretty much nothing at all to do with why you went to the trouble to do this in the first place.

It had nothing to do with it... but then it did start to matter a little bit. You did start to care just a bit that no one really wanted anything to do with your music. And so here and there, you gradually started getting interested in being popular. Imitating so that you could be popular instead of expressing exactly what was within you and doing so in complete isolation.

With the Dunlop Max Predator I won the first set against Jay C 6-1. First time I ever won a set against him. I think he won 16 sets in a row at least and now suddenly I almost bagel him. And then I completely fell apart and he won the second 7-5 and the tiebreak 10-7. But that was entirely mental. I got tentative. Completely quit doing anything with my backhand and forehand. Except for being a total headcase I could have won 6-1, 6-0. Oh well.

On serve trying a bit more of a Sampras motion to get more topspin on the first serve and I find I naturally want to come into the net. It was a little shaky this first time but I still almost won the second set by playing serve and volley a lot since I completely forgot how to hit groundstrokes.

I think I would have fallen apart maybe a bit less if I had continued to hit topspin. I got extremely tentative instead of taking a rip at the ball. Of course this new racquet has so much power I can't remotely take a rip at it unless there's plenty of topspin. But no. On the other hand I quit being smooth also. Got jerky/shaky. Whatever I was doing that got me up 6-1, 3-1 I needed to just keep doing. I really shouldn't jump to a new grip on the forehand and backhand yet again here. I keep on coming right back to the A Murray backhand grip it seems anyway. Just need to keep being smooth in order to be precise. I quit doing that. Ought to write it on my racquet.

So far since using it I've won 6-1, 6-3. 6-1, 6-1. And now lost 6-1, 5-7 (7-10). I may need to increase the string tension a bit. My elbow feels great at 48, but the ball definitely trampolines at times with this huge racquet face. Also may experiment with adding a bit of weight. Serve is a bit slower with having it at 12.5 instead of my usual 14+, though second serve is better.

I think I may have finally figured out a vocal template that means I can sing. I very much hesitate to say so. I keep expecting that I'll listen to it a few days later and change my mind. But so far that hasn't happened. I think the key was n compressor equalizer. I've experimented plenty with equalizers and compressors but never a single effect that combined the two. I don't sound as good as Brendan Perry but.... I really think I can work with this... And it has me enthused to really get back into it.

In the past, for a large portion of time, I was only trying to figure out industrial vocals. I figured regular singing was out of the question. Actually though industrial vocals are far worse for me, because I can't sound angry. In real life people think I'm always so mellow and relaxed. Which is mostly true, but a long way from completely true. Anyway it's reflected in my voice that can sound unemotional, half-dead or trancelike.

So now though I'm not interested in making industrial music. I pretty much never listen to it even as I think it has a very bad effect on my mood. Can really get me in an absurdly angry mood I think.... I'm kind of afraid to listen to it, though I remember what a huge effect it used to have on me. Instead I guess I want to sound maybe somewhat like Dead Can Dance. I'm curious to do a cover of Children of the Sun, just because I'm curious how my voice compares to Brendan Perry. Would be very happy to make music that good. I do own a dulcimer. Hate tuning the damn thing though.

In other news today my back started hurting. I guess because I moved the birdbath yesterday. Also held Hawthy for 2 hours when I rarely hold him for more than 15 minutes in a day. I'm worried I'll have to cancel my tennis match tomorrow. Laying down and avoiding moving tonight.

Read Century of the Soldier and Hawkwood and the Kings by Paul Kearney. Good but way too much about war. Too much massive armies clashing. Ultimately too much of that and not enough of relatively real people just trying to live. Really blah ending too. The hero was Corfe. The super general king. He saves the day. While just about everyone dies, including Corfe. I guess his daughter doesn't die. I suppose it's unique in the extent to which everyone else does. Isolla, Abelyn, the Sultan, Heria, the good wizard guy, Berdolin, Aruan, the bad guy who torments Hawkwood. Does Hawkwood die? Probably. Can't remember. Jemilia? Can't remember. Yes, Hawkwood dies too. Jemilia and her son didn't die. And Corfe's daughter doesn't die. All other major characters die which is unusual. But it's not terribly sad because we never get quite close enough to them. Still far more detailed setting and characters then say Steven Erikson, but far, far short of Robin Hobb, or even G Martin.