So the grow lamp room was a fail. The papyrus is barely growing. The hyacinths have just held on and everything else that survived I've moved to a sunlite window. I was looking forward to bountiful verdancy in January, oh well. Metal Halide, or at least this particular metal halide...? doesn't work much at all. But perhaps I just got a crappy product? I can't imagine people successfully growing marijuana with this lamp.... (Not that i would, just that's what comes to mind most usually wtih grow lamps...)

When I look online there are endless companies selling grow lamps. But I can't find anything that has decent reviews or shows plants really actually growing well. (sigh), perhaps I just bought the wrong product. Perhaps I didn't search well enough.

But then perhaps it's the soil? I don't know.

Did successfully sprout avocadoes, mangos, pear, cherry and lemon seeds. Looks like they'll live although not growing a lot as they don't get a lot of sunlight. Grape, blueberry and blackberry sprouted and then eventually died.

Dystopian people (primarily) in a "utopian" world. The dystopian interactions and psychology will be relevant to our world. But it will be a low technology world with magic. Too much dystopia would make it really hard for anyone to keep reading. Real dystopia is sitting around watching TV, not interacting with any other human beings. Would be difficult to make a worthwhile story from that.

Can't believe 5 days have passed. Did my third 2:30/2:00 interval run. Which I've gone back to just running twice a week after one week of trying more. (It just really works.) This has been in the tunnel and I've made nice improvement. Actually quite an improvement this time. But also cutting back to beer only 3 or 4 days a week. (Wine on the other days, usually.) With third run, I got almost 2 tunnel lengths ahead. Just going for 100 minutes, which is working just fine. Surely if Roger Bannister could manage a 4 minute mile on 25 miles a week, I should be able to manage pretty well on 20 miles a week.

http://bestfantasybooks.com/top25-fantasy-books.php
1: A Game of Thrones (George Martin) Read.
2: The Malazan Book of the Fallen (Steven Erikson) Read first 200 pages. Military fiction
3: The Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss) Read
4: Lord of the Rings (J.R.R Tolkien) Read.
5: The Black Company (Glen Cook) Not on kindle. Really disliked Instrumentalities.
6: Gormenghast (Mervyn Peake) Read.
7: The Blade Itself (Joe Abercrombie) Not yet
8: The Way of Kings (Brandon Sanderson) Not yet, have read Mistborn
9: The Farseer (Robin Hobb) Read
10: Lies of Locke Lamora (Scott Lynch) Currently reading but not really liking.
11: The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan) Read
12: Cold Fire Trilogy (C.S. Friedman) Read and hardly remember.
13: The Long Price Quartet (Daniel Abraham) Read
14: The Etched City (K.J. Bishop) Read
15: A Sword of Shadows (J.V. Jones) Read
16: Acacia (David Anthony Durham) Read 34%. Where's the magic?
17: Elric of Melinbone (Michael Moorcock) Read a tiny bit
18: The Darkness That Comes Before (R. Scott Bakker) Read
19: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell (Susanna Clarke) Read
20: Chronicles of Thomas Covenant (Stephen R. Donaldson) Read a bit. Yuck.
21: American Gods (Neil Gaiman) Haven't read. Biased against him.
22: Abhorsen Trilogy (Garth Nix) Read. Easily forgotten.
23: Memory, Sorrow, Thorn (Tad Williams) Read a tiny bit. Not impressed.
24: Magician: Apprentice and Magician (Raymond E. Feist). Haven't read yet.
25: Dresden Files (Jim Butcher) Read a bit. eh.
I guess that leaves Feist, Gaiman, Abercrombie Butcher and Sanderson.

26. Earthsea Cycle by Ursula Le Guin. Can't recall having read it...
27. Amber Chronicles by Zelazny. Long ago. Audio book. Enjoyed.
28. Mistborn by Sanderson. Read
29. The Warded Man by Peter Brett. Not yet.
30. Riddle of Stars by Patricia McKillip. Not yet.
31. The Magicians by Lev Grossman. Read.
32. The Dark Tower by Stephen King. Read
33. A Kingdom of Thorn and Bone by Greg Keyes. Not yet.
34. His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman. Read.
35. Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay. Read.
36. The Seven Waters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. Not yet.
37. The Mythago Wood by Robert Holdstock. Not yet.
38. The Way of the Shadows by Brent Weeks. Read. Loved. What a low rank.
39. Tales of the Otori by Lian Hearn. Not yet.
40. Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover. Read some. Didn't like sci fi/fantasy split.
41. Legend by David Gemmell. Read.
42. The Swan's War by Sean Russell. Not yet.
43. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson. Not yet.
44. Kushiel's Dart by Jaqueline Carey. Partial read...
Only read a few from 45 to 69...

OK, so that's Lian Hearn, Sean Russell, Robert Holdstock, Juliet Marillier, Greg Keyes, Ursula Le Guin, Particia McKillip and I suppose Peter Brett, whom I started but wasn't impressed by.

Yesterday I had my best day ever as a fiction writer. Bauhaus' The Passion of Lovers gave me inspiration. Something about the beginning of that song gets me going. Having a lot of free time, and few good books left to read also really helped a lot.

A problem was how to make a hellish dystopian setting into something people would actually want to read. A possible solution is adding mystery at the beginning. The mystery I thought of was, just what is he? Is he even human? This is hopefully something to keep the pages turning through the misery.

Written much further about this elsewhere. Little reason to speak at all here, cept in 39 years, this was the best I managed. Hopefully it will continue, there isn't really much else to do, you know? Run, garden....

Got my wireless speakers today. Now the whole house is up for sound. Plan on putting at least one outside in the spring and planting my bamboo grove. Then I'll just about be ready to die. (Which is just the right time to really start writing fiction.)

Got a stomach virus. For me, throwing up is generally agony. Threw up first time at 8AM yesterday and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does. Was thinking maybe the running has made throwing up a bit easier. But, I never get it all up with the first bout of vomit. I usually spend about 12 hours in agony before finally throwing up a second time and just about dying in the process.

This time, I never threw up again. I almost did at one point and it hurt very very very bad. Bad enough that I wondered why bother being alive? Which that's usually what I always wonder when this happens. Usually though I wonder that for hours on end in agony. This time I just had a brief moment where that happened and where I went from my skin being dry to drenched in sweat, literally dripping sweat, in about 30 seconds. Also I recall I started hearing a fuzzy sound in my ears. And then, suddenly, surprisingly and so very blessedly, I felt a lot better, and laid down on the bathroom floor and slept for a few hours. Then went to bed, never throwing up a second time, yet slowly getting better. Thank ...

Even called work to go in today from 3 to 7 (so that I can go to that party at S's later.) Hoping to poop out the remaining pestilence here shortly.

It seems I usually do this once every winter. I need to get a nasal gastric tube and suction supplies. I plan on just putting such a tube into my stomach on my own and sucking it all out next time. Absolutely would prefer that to vomiting/lying in agony for 12 hours or more, etc. I could definitely see dying one of these years from these vomiting bouts. They are very taxing along with being agony.

Fevre Dreams by George Martin
I thought the captain just a bit far on the stupid side and combining vampires with steamboats seemed a bit ... I don't know, childish?? But it was ultimately a story that pulled you in. Although some have called it as much a historical novel as a horror novel I didn't think the setting was quite detailed enough. But extreme injustice comes in at about 50% and one just doesn't want to stop reading until the injustice ends, which happens finally at the very end. Doesn't end as well as I would have liked, but I definitely seen worse. Definitely more of a page turner than I've read in quite a while.

I want an ideal of a very detailed setting that is still a page turner. Mervyn Peake for example had great detail and a story that's stuck with me very strongly, but it really wasn't a page turner. This became a page turner because of the level of injustice that occurs to adequately developed characters but I think there was more potential for bringing mid 19th century New Orleans to life.

One turns the pages in the beginning waiting for the Abner Marsh (the steamboat captain) to figure out the mystery of his "cocaptain", who's name I no longer remember. Not too long after he learns all, (that he's a vampire-like creature who's invented a drink whereby his fellows never need kill anyone again), the injustice begins which keeps us turning the pages.

It's a good formula. Maybe don't start the injustice too soon, wait till they care enough about the characters. Use mystery instead in the beginning.

Lovecraft Unbound. Got to two really good stories finally. Michael Chabon (In the Black Mill) and Joyce Carol Oates. (I have an Oates book or two lying around I've always avoided because she's popular and thus, to be dismissed...) The Chabon got me thinking though and the beginning of the Oates one, more so. About dark rituals, rituals of slow suicide and other destructive actions that speak to our nonsconscious belief in bloodthirsty gods.

Perhaps it's all connected. Nonconscious mysticism. Nonconscious slow suicide. And maybe belief in the old Inca type gods isn't really dead.

But even if it's a load of BS, it makes for a good short story, that might cause people to think, hopefully. In the Black Mill reminds of coal miners and factory workers whom live as if they're without hope, or like they just enjoy killing themselves?

And then with Oates, I haven't finished it yet, but it sparked my mind to think of the ritual of college. I don't know what's going to happen but I suspect someone's going to die while 30,000 cheer on. Like ritual capitalism. A ritual that speaks to our continued nonconscious belief in bloodthirsty gods.

Think of the ritual of cheeseburgers and so on. My own mom who is going to literally die before she eats a piece of broccoli. And sister. And endless patients I take care of, all obese, perhaps just ignorant. (Or is that willful ignornance?)

Hard to care much when no one else does.

It's not that the ritual is meaningless, it's that it speaks to our nonconsious, and within our nonconsious what do we find? Boogie men. Ghosts. Various things to fear. And perhaps an overriding belief in destruction.

So we perform rituals to placate the fear of our animal mind. Rituals to placate the bloodthirsty gods. And rituals that give the truth to the meaninglessness of our lives.

Going to try to do a very long continuous run once a week, along with two interval sessions. Did first continuous run last night, except for being heckled three times and semi-attacked by a dog once, and having stomach upset near the end, it was pretty good. Just 128 minutes for this first time. I'd roughly guess 10 minute miles. Just taking it easy. Ran all the way to the trail access and then almost 2 miles on it, then back. In the dark. In future will run on trail and while it's light to decrease heckling and god attacks. Hoping to run all the way from the fort to the next city, which is 19 miles away. In the next month or so.

Last week ran four days with 5 lb dumbells. This was first time running more than twice a week along with first time in more than a year I used dumbells.

Previously it gave me insomnia. And finally on the 4th day, it did so again.

And insomnia combined with running 14 hours straight, for three days in a row, taking care of very sick people, is truly hell.

I've now had a few days of decent sleep and I've all kinds of upper body muscle from the dumbells. But that's just absolutely not going to work. I don't know why upper body exercise so often gives me insomnia but I think I'm going to slowly get a pretty wimpy upper body as I just can't stand that insomnia. Not in the job I have.

Today ran 2/2's on treadmills at 9.2/3.2mph. Just started using the treadmill as can't stand the weather. And now actually I'm curious about my speed throughout my interval sessions. Only did 5 miles today. 9.2 mph would be about a 20min 5k.

The way to interact in 2012 in the industrialized world is to give affirmations to whatever anyone says. Who cares whether or not they're right or wrong? It doesn't matter. The truth is useless. What matters is feeling good about yourself. And that happens only by others agreeing with you.

There is a feeling of being utterly alone, disconnected from all, that makes sleep very difficult. Alternatively there is instead a feeling of being connected somehow. I mean literally that my brain is somehow telepathically or morphogenically connected that gives reassurance. Perhaps it's just my nonconscious. Or perhaps it is an actual connection. (Twin studies of brain wave activity suggest it might be...) Whichever it may be, things start happening in my brain that are not being caused by my conscious. As they happen I relax and sleep can come.

And to lay here and think there is a connection helps it start happening. (Although far less important than proper physical activity and correct eating.)

"You have to try! You have to care!"

Oh my I wrote some halfway decent music there. One of these days I suspect I'll give it another go. Perhaps no software though. Maybe another year or so of cello practice... Just might even try to play live. Bloch's Prayer is coming along, I could see really actually enjoying playing it live and thus hopefully someday enjoying playing my own original compositions...

And so, wanted to reminesce about how way back in 1992 or 1993? I lived in Crete and there was this lady I only thought of as a friend, whom forever assumed I was thinking of as more. As did many others, which was all rather annoying. Such crude, barbaric people. Anyway, she was somewhat standoffish towards me. But one day she had it in her head to actually meet me halfway and be friendly and came to my room late one evening and in response I suddenly started acting a bit violent. Not towards her but with objects towards a wall and so on. It's a bit murky in my head just what I was doing. But she quickly left. Sarcastically said, "Impressive" I do recall as she was leaving. As she walked down the stairs that were on the outside of the building. I threw some trophy down to the ground far below (we were on the third floor). I think that's maybe when she said, "impressive" sarcastically.

Why, oh why, would I act in such an awful manner?

Thinking back, it was because I knew that there was no way this would work, no matter what, it had no chance, and I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming urge to destroy it myself, instead of watching helplessly as it was destroyed despite my efforts to save it. So it was that I wanted to not be helpless.

And I was very much in the throes, perhaps, a very strong perhaps as I may just be making this all up entirely at this point, of belief in an evil god (on a nonconscious level) that was against me, that was destroying everything in my life. I was angry at it. And if I instead was the one doing the destroying, it shewed (lovecraftian!) that at least I KNEW what was going on....

Never any violence whatsoever was directed towards this women. Or any other, FWIW.

But somehow that moment popped into my head and I forgot why I acted in such a manner.... I think Kundera maybe touched on this idea in The Joke, concerning misremembering the past and persecuting ourselves as a result. But I can't really remember. That one single glass of wine at lunch hit me hard for some unknown reason. I wonder if certain foods play a role.

Reading a coupe of short story collections "inspired" by Lovecraft. Somewhat unsatisfying. Prefer a nice long decadent book. But then do like Lovecraft and have been unsatisfied with books lately. Thinking fantasy fiction is about finished. No one else is Robin Hobb. Although Brent Weeks was decent. And Rothfuss' second book was pretty good. Otherwise I'm just a bit underwhelmed it seems. Thinking to look into gothic and/or "steampunk" I guess. Or possibly write my own damm books, unlikely though.

Started running more often, because I'd like to sleep a bit better. Also I do like consistency I guess. I don't know. Running every single day off from work will get old. So far, feeling very good though.

Also started running again with a 5lb weight in each hand. Unlike a backpack, you do get a substantial increase in speed this way, or so past personal experience seems to indicate. Also will build a bit of upper body muscle and if it ultimately slows me down a bit, who cares? After a year of hard work I can't even run a mile in under 6 minutes. I'm not so fast that it matters.

I run so that work is easier and so that I can sleep well and just because being capable of running decently is an essential part of life as this flexh and blood creature, blah, blah, blah. Don't really have to maximize speed....

So those hops in beer, they really do decrease libido. I never thought I'd care, but actually I'd really rather not have my libido decreased thanks so much. Also a depressant. And maybe decrease athletic performance. (Because of the estrogen?) So ordered some unhopped malt extract today, as I can't find any unhopped beer to buy. Also planning on "priming" my wine (adding a bit of sugar before bottling to make it champagne or an asti or whatever.) Thinking of just using a lemon as a preservative for the unhopped beer as that supposedly works just fine for wine. Rather not be ordering mugwort, yarrow root, etc online... We shall see.

There is also the question of how much it really matters to use certain special types of yeast as opposed to just what they have at the grocery store.

Anyway, the online info is unsatisfactory. Most are ignorant concerning gruit, think hops some essential ingredient.

It seems 16 mile interval runs are really mentally tough. Hard to stay with them. But then each third week really should be easier anyway.... My right lung is hurting a bit. But then I found out the hops in beer have estrogen in them. And read of a small informal study that found men's running was hurt by beer while women improved. So I stopped drinking beer (which is an anti-inflammatory) and now my right lung hurts.

Really don't like wine or spirits and amazingly no one at all is making gruit locally. All the beer has hops. Such is this world. So I must get on the ball and start brewing my own unhopped beer. I noticed a difference in my libido immediately when I stopped... Not sure how much it really has to do with the lung issue of course. Have been very lax concerning flax meal lately....

Some deformed creature in love with perfect woman. Sees so clearly in his mind who he SHOULD have been and the life he should have had with this woman. He tries to convince himself that she should still SEE, and goes after her. She doesn't remotely see though of course.

My life as a cow. A banal tale. What about it made it worthy of being a story...? It flickers in my mind.... Extremely high intellect in horrific conditions. What could you possibly do if indeed your mind was born into the body of a factory cow? Absolutely nothing. I imagine you're out there practicing wind sprints and trying to hide....

Wish I could remember that other. Used to have endless such (vague) ideas that seemed as if they could make great stories. Never did. Hadn't had them much at all really in many years. Had them a lot lately.

Blood of Ambrose by James Enge
This one is very promising. The start is in first person and reminds of Robin Hobb's Farseer trilogy. It jumps to other characters and out of first person while still in the sample. But so far so good....

Sabriel by Garth Nix
Finished this a while ago and don't have anything to add beyond what I previously said. Think it continued like that. I don't remember. Didn't hold me enough to remember.

Acacia: The War with the Mein by David Anthony Durham
Promising except that 34% and there's no magic at all, yet. There is the suggestion that magic once was in the world and perhaps it might be rediscovered. But that's not a lot to work with 34% in. There isn't much of a feel of a hero with an ace up his sleeve. I'm hoping there will be... but the author hasn't given me much reason to hope. Without magic, what's the point anyway? The social norms aren't anything particularly different at all. Why not just write about Henry the 8th or the hundred years war? I'm hoping magic will come back I guess.

City of Saints and Madmen by Jeff Vandermeer
Lots of setting detail but the trick is to get that detail in while still advancing the plot. By the end of the sample nothing much really has happened. Maybe should continue this one though.... Reminds me somewhat of Jack Vance, although maybe trying too hard.

Heroes Die by Matthew Woodring Stover
This started out in the middle ages with an assasin trying to kill a king. And it was really enjoyable. I guess I middle age assasins. Like Brent Weeks. Funny as I find it miserable to write about assasins myself. But then it turned out it was some virtual reality thing and it's really some science fiction, including a vernacular way of speaking that's extremely annoying. So much for this.

Tome of the Undergates (The Aeons' Gate Book 1) by Sam Sykes

In some ways this was a bit refreshing/interesting. But the sample has gone way overboard on the dialogue. Too much hot air. And ultimately a bit too unrealistic. It's like the banter a creative husband and wife will do but occurring in the middle of a pirates attacking a ship and between an entire crew of adventurers and ultimately just... I don't know. Weird and ultimately quickly getting boring as the action is advancing way too slow relative to the repetitive dialogue.

Started my first batch of beer. Just a standard brew, basically just following the direction and throwing some packets/cans into some water. But have more interesing plans in the future. Want to experiment with beer that doesn't use hops. Instead gruit, etc.

Also plan on making wine. Maybe even today.

So basically yeast turns sugar into alcohol. And that's it. Beer is barley, hops, yeast, and sugar. The wine recipe I'm going to do is grapes, sugar, lemons and yeast. And it really sounds like gruit would be better than hops.

It seems higher volume with a bit less intensity/speed may work better. That seems to be my experience anyway and as such started doing two 16 mile interval runs each week. So far my times have been 2:49, 2:47 and 2:42. Paced myself much better this third run. It's a 2:30/1:25 interval and slowly decreasing the rest period with each run as again, I'm going at least somewhat more towards volume and away from intensity. While I decrease the rest interval it may make it appear that I'm making more improvement than I actually am.

Should expect my improvement to quickly diminish to less than a minute each time. And it will be hard to continue doing such long runs then. Will maybe have to avoid timing myself most times. And try to remember that this stuff really makes me feel better. That hard work is good in and of itself, whether or not one improves anyway. And that running is just such a fundamental part of the experience of being human. And that to be able to run fast with relatively little effort is a beautiful feeling.

Going to also try to practice the cello for 3 hours at a time. Although have procrastinated at cello more this last week than at any time previous in the last 18 months. Possibly in part because of this decision. And I haven't done it even once yet. In part because my wife is on a vacation and wouldn't appreciate me going off to play cello for 3 hours instead of being with her.