Dad says after teaching these last 40 years and watching his students slowly getting stupider and stupider he's come to the conclusion that it's hopeless. "I can't change the world. We're doomed."

Absolutely correct.

But considering that chocolate goes well with wheat (cookies, brownies, etc), how would another "starch"? Say a baked potato with a hershey bar melted on top? Hmmm?

Today I found that a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato was quite good.

Ran 8mph intervals once every three days for three times now (each time a bit better) and heavier weight lifting to try to fix my right knee/my imbalance. Weight down to 211 today. But did spend almost all of last 8 days in hospital either working or staying with dad.

Wolf in Shadows by David Gemmell
Clint Eastwood in an apopcalyptical future with magic. Better than Mistborn by Sanderson. Characters are less 2D but ultimately could still be better. Hero is certainly heroic. It's not a dystopia though. Just a chaos. He does have a hell of an ace up his sleeve though. The magic isn't overly explained. A decent amount of mystery is left. And hard moral questions. Hard questions about human society.

The characters are still a bit simplistic overall though. Gemmell seems to be good stuff but I could see getting tired of Jon Shannow pretty quickly. Worth picking up another. Now reading Janny Wurts' Curse of the Mistwraith which is maybe a bit better... If instead I was currently reading something worse I might say nicer things of Gemmell. A negative might be that too much is explained at the end. The magic is too much explained. Best to leave that forever unknown. The world is maybe a bit too much explained ultimately, eventually. And Shannow starts seeming a bit too simplistic in the end.

MIstborn by Brandon Sanderson
Crude though the setting is, it is beyond the usual generic medieval setting. It is dystopian. And it does have heroes with special powers and the feeling of something vaguely positive looming and/or injustice that will be righted.

On the negative the characters have little depth. They have no nuance of feeling. They are a bit too stupid.

The level of detail in explaining the magic is tedious and goes against the whole point of magic in the first place, which is this symbol of the unknown. The level of detail concerning the magic edges over into being childish.

Finally the revolutionary plot also gets a bit tedious. The characters are a little too superficial for one to really care whether or not they're eventually successful in their revolution.

Yet it has it's moments. The characters aren't complete cardboard cutouts. There is some depth. Here and there. Just not enough. Maybe I can't completely explain. A lack of nuance in the characters. Everything too spelled out for the reader. Way too much explanation of the magic. Bad humor. I suppose too many unbelievable jumps to keep the plot moving. Insufficient detail in describing the setting and the people. Few meaningful insights. The main character isn't is too light. That which made him who he is, is never actually shown, just told.

There are many types of characters. But they all seemed to be slapped together stereotypes.

Some of these criticisms may not be totally fair...

Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson
Hooked in on page one and I shed a tear on page 59.

Dystopian escapist fantasy.

Dystopian - slavery, which is a crude dystopia but it is a dystopia. Does dystopia have any particular heart?

Inequality? A heirarchy?

In it's most crude and blunt terms it's 'slavery'. It seems something more sophisticated might be better but it does work.

Escapist Fantasy - allomancy - the hero with special (magical) powers, you know something good's going to happen. Sci-fi just doesn't work as well as the ace up the sleeve isn't as grand and... with this magic is there the suggestion of religion lurking back in the subconcious? The magic suggests something very positive is going to happen. It somehow does so more than one could can manage with sci-fi...

2.5% treadmill incline
"Tempo" run - 6.5mph for 2 miles
HR monitor seems to be picking up my stride rate instead of my heart rate. As soon as I stopped HR was 188. Run felt slightly hard. RPE 4. This is supposed to be a tempo run. My speed is down a bit but I'm adding distance and incline. I did go back up from 5.1 to 6.5 while decreasing the incline from 3% to 2.5%.

Otherwise life is relatively wonderful. I suppose. Just a matter of turning away from some things. Combined with other necessities being quite secure. So work's good. Marriage is good. Family is good. Health is good. Sleeping very good. Have money just sitting around waiting for me to think of things to buy.

Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson, first 200 pages of it. First book of the Malazan series.

This was recommended concerning escapist dystopian fantasy. But just because everyone's at war doesn't truly make a novel dystopian. For it to be dystopian there has to be something unique about the social norms and here it's the same old generic stuff. The exact same social norms but with the exact same simplifications which makes it fantasy. Also characters are a bit light and it's basically just killing. One hardly cares who dies. Best feature is the level of detail of the magic which I suppose makes the setting more believable but I don't think it's the correct way to go about introducing magic actually. It should be vague. It's supposed to be the unknown. Although granted plenty of unknown is left here so I guess the level of detail is OK.

Lots of political intrigue. Which isn't interesting. Reminds me of Dune in that.

There is something essential missing from the characters. There needs to be something other than endless war and killing and political intrigue in order to make one care about the results of all that muck.

What's keeping the pages turning?
There is some injustice to be righted. Although it's not strong enough IMO. And there is a sort of hero who one gets a very slight feeling has something special about him. Some ace up his sleeve. Barely. Maybe. Not leading to something very wonderful though. Just maybe they'll ease up this killing. They've not made room for anything in the place of the killing therefore nothing wonderful can loom.

..furthermore it just occurred to me they're really pushing the military angle a bit much... But then it is war.... Eh.

Worked my weekly night shift last night which was fun. Came home and slept hard for 5 hours. Then got up and did my first "long" run on the treadmill. Which ended up mostly at 5.2mph with a bit at 5.1 at the end and was only 30 minutes long. I had expected to hopefully manage 6 mph but I did just move up to a 3% incline and I also haven't been running longer times at all. Heartrate was around 157 for quite a while but at the end jumped up to 185. Wasn't breathing hard at all. I think in part I just have an unusually high max heart rate for my age. RPE was a 3. Moderate intensity. Afterwards read a bit of Steven Erikson, had some broccoli and hummus, noted that I hadn't been very thirsty lately and was probably dehydrated and then slept an additional three wonderful hours. Woke up quite thirsty. And now up to the grocery store and off to cook for parents.

I was wondering if anyone could recommend some dystopian fantasy?

It seems sci-fi is more usually dystopian while fantasy usually has a relatively generic medieval setting. And to the extent fantasy settings are dystopian they usually are so in a relatively uncreative way. Simply the return of our own past, with slavery, more poverty/disease and inequality.

I think ultimately I want more original well thought out dystopias such as you would get say from Brave New World, 1984 or The Handmaid's Tale that at the same time had magic in it. Such that you could have a hero with special powers which would leave a vague sense that something positive is eventually going to happen.

Sadly the only that is coming to mind (and I just went over the 1000 books in my library) is the beginning of Salvatore's Dark Elf Trilogy, except Menzobarranzan (sp) was really too simplistic.

What I ultimately want is a story set in a dystopia where the reader would still want to go to the books as an enjoyable escape, not out of some masochistic urge.

In sci-fi, dystopian settings are very common but the lack of magic seems to usually make it not sufficiently escapist to me personally. I suppose though that might be a better direction to be looking.

It's no wonder I haven't managed to complete any fiction writing yet. My goals are kind of unique, or close to being so anyway. If I would have been happy to write some run-of-the-mill fiction, I wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever.

I am currently stuck trying to figure out how to make a story about a sophisticated dystopia which is still highly escapist. I don't think I've ever read such a story. I guess the thing is the degree of escapism. It could be sci-fi instead and still be somewhat escapist. But without magic, it would be to me, a good deal less escapist.

Going to follow this site's recommendations concerning training. One long run, one fast paced medium run and one speed work day per week and otherwise no running.

Never ever seen exercise related advice that referred to such a comprehensive review of the scientific literature. Really warms my heart to see such a thing for a change.

Also going to keep better track than ever before. Even bought a heart rate monitor.

11/15/10 Monday - speed day
treadmill 3% incline
2 minutes at 7 mph 1 minute walk x 3
2 minutes 7.2 mph 90 second walk x 3
Heartrate at end of each run-170 to 190
At end of each walk 130 or so.

210 seconds of stair running

Bodyweight 214.5

Not sure what the target heart rate should be for a speed day. Run felt very good although obviously a 190 heart rate is pretty high... I wasn't gasping for breath though. Resting heart rate is 58. Suspect if it starts getting low 50's/high 40's, I'm overtraining...

Session RPE scale:
0 = rest
1 = really easy
2 = easy
3 = moderate
4 = sort of hard
5 = hard
6
7 = really hard
8
9 = really, really hard
10 = just like my hardest race (i.e. all out effort)

RPE-3.8

11/13/10 Saturday
Pre heart monitor
treadmill 2.2% incline
12 minutes at 7.0mph, short rest and a couple more minutes. Was a borderline comfortable run.

This is what I had been thinking for years. Performance in the so-called endurance sports is primarily a matter of having big enough muscles, in other words a high strength to weight ratio for the relevant muscles, not a matter of improving "cardiovascular fitness" or VO2 max or lactic acid threshold, etc.

C.S. Lewis' Narnia books. He was trying to "prepare" children for becoming christians. Did he do the oppositve? By putting the feelings he wanted children to have for god into the realm of fantasy, did he make it impossible for them to feel the same thing concerning something they thought was real?

A way to deal with anxiety: take your real world stress and pretend it's something happening in a fantasy book.

Starmaker, Last and First Men and Sirius by Olaf Stapledon
Extremely ambitious stuff. The entire history of man. A history of the universe right up to the end. And an attempt to extrapolate intelligence.

Doesn't use the usual withholding tricks to keep you turning the pages. Instead keeps the ideas coming. Still though, the ideas are too simplistic IMO. Like Jack Vance though, this is one of the few writers who found a different way to write. And like Vance not a good idea to attempt to imitate. Might be personally useful to reread Last and First Men though.

No injustice to be righted, no vague wonderful thing looming keeps one turning the pages. Just ideas.

I don't think such would get published in modern times. Even something along the same lines yet twice as good.

All the fantasy/sci-fi fiction of Jack Vance
Two types of stories. The stoic hero. And a sort of picaresque, a humorous mostly incompetent villian.

Believeable fantastic worlds told in so few words. 2D characters whom sounded intelligent making it more a place a person might want to escape to. A unique sort of escapism actually. Something none other has quite managed. Not much plot. Not much relevant social critique. The stoic hero seems to suggest libertarianism. Not sure about Vance's political views, although Thom Hartman (far left) dedicated a book to Jack and his wife.

Righting an injustice doesn't really keep these books going because the heroes are so stoic they hardly seemed touched by anything. I suppose there is just enough of a hint of righting injustice combined with beautiful worlds combined with the steel-like stoicism. There isn't really some great vague wonder. It's mainly the world and learning more of it. No one else makes a world keep the pages turning quite the same.

The picaresques have beautiful worlds combined with light comedy.

Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
Had a slightly unusual feel to it that was memorable. Hate to say it but seemed downright Japanese I suppose. Something vaguely different that I can't put my finger on. Although I could if I bothered. But why go to so much trouble to be politically incorrect?

I don't particularly remember what exactly kept it all going. Some magical murderer guy who had to stopped. There's nothing in it remotely related to Kafka that I can see. Which seems like a false representation to me. I can't recall any great injustice or any great vague wonderful a looming. Not really much in the way of interesting insights. Had some good parts I suppose that really had a surreal dreamlike quality.

Broken Angels by Richard Morgan
I guess this was OK. Forgettable ending though.

Evil corporations rule the interstellar future. The hero (and he's a sort of decent one, not magical, instead it's all explained and thus sci-fi instead of fantasy and who even cares?) is trying to get some special thing (alien spaceship+teleportation portal) and the some random bad guys are trying to stop him. USA today compared Morgan to Philip Dick. But to be precise "a world as cinema-rich as those of PKD", which is to say, only similar to Dick concerning things that don't matter.

There was injustice to overcome. There was some grand positive thing vaguely looming in the distance. But forgettable.

Orcs by Stan Nicholls
Awfully stupid book.

On the front is a blurb by Tad Williams "Buy now or beg for mercy later."
Note to self: don't buy anythiing else by Tad Williams and don't bother ever finishing that one of his I started more than a decade ago.

Just from reading the blurbs I should have known better except the first one by the Independent claimed Nicholls was the equal of Robert Jordan and George Martin. Also I was at this strange bookstore that created the illusion of having a lot of books because it was an old converted house with 20+ rooms, but actually had a very small selection. And I wanted to get one fantasy book that day.

Fantasy is all about 2D characters but his are more 1D. His setting is about the same.

Injustice to right? Meh.
Some vague wonderful thing looming off in the distance? No.

Psychological insights? No.
Sociological insights? Tries to make the orcs seem like good people. He might be working his way around to saying something eventually interesting there, but I doubt it.

Perhaps this is like fantasy for marines I guess. I notice so many video games these days have a military thing, so the idea here was to that orcs are like marine grunts. Really just an awful piece of crap. I feel sorry for the fool having spent his time writing such a thing. But much more so for all the people who wasted any time partially reading it.

R.A. Salvatore's Dark Elf books.
Underratted stuff. I assume being by Forgotten Realms means automatic dismissal and ultimately is as it should be. But these first few books here had some pretty good writing. Very beautifully written. Simplified 2D escapist characters. Plot goes along nicely and it's surprising how far it goes. Great injustice and a hero with special abilities at fighting are what keeps the pages turning. Extreme dystopian setting.

How I love the hero in a dystopian setting.

Eventually the series went to 20+ books and quit being interesting. One keeps on reading for a while hoping it picks back up. But Wulfgar is just a dumbass. Not likable like Drizzt. And the dystopia is gone. The world above ground is non memorable. And ultimately Salvatore isn't allowed to say anything interesting I seriously doubt anyway, writing for Forgotten Realms. Clear good and evil and swords flying around. The dark elf society just happened to resemble the real world in some ways to me. And watching the good man trying to survive in it was very interesting to me.

Martin (George RR)
His big fantasy series. Very similar to Robin Hobb. Impressively large medieval world that's ultimately just a bunch of people running here and there, killing one another, betraying one another. Annoyingly jumps from scene to scene, usually at the good part. The pages keep turning because there's so much injustice you want to see amended. Also again with the dragons brought back into the world.

The characters are simplified from the real such that they're an escape. The actual setting is nothing special. The plot is just about random and I suspect he's didn't do an outline all the way to the end. Which may explain why Martin only wrote three books and took way too long to go further. And he's in his 60's now and quite fat. Extremely unlikely he'll finish. And with all the cliffhangers he's left, I really wouldn't recommend reading him at all.

The work of Robin Hobb/Megan Lindholm
The Fitz books really resonated with me. A main character with special powers in a world that has a decent bit of injustice in it. Not really a dystopia. Actually a medieval escapist setting. Which is pretty well done. Fitz suffers such extreme injustice. (As do the protagonists in all 15 books I've read by her.) Hobb really lays it on thicker than the average fantasy fiction IMO. At the same time you know that Fitz's powers are such that something good is eventually going to happen. Furthermore she teases concerning bringing back dragons, etc. She knows how to keep one turning the pages. The characters are decently detailed, yet still simplistic enough to be an escapist fantasy world. Really she does so much so well. I could go on.

At the same time though there's really virtually no psychological or sociological insights. Some basic ones of course. But nothing interesting and definitely nothing that 99% of people wouldn't agree with... I loved some of her books yet I can imagine some relatively vacant people also did.

Stardust by Neil Gaiman
I really don't care much for this Gaiman fellow. Too happy and complacent. He writes decently well, but just not my thing. Just a storyteller. No interesting insights at all beyond that. Doesn't seem to have the idea of dystopia in him so much. Find all the gushing about him slightly annoying. Makes me want to be more critical than I'd otherwise be. As I just don't think he remotely deserves such popularity. Suspect the popularity is a largely because it's light happy crap and that's what people seem to want.

Anyway his characters are empty, uninteresting. The world of this one is slightly whimsical I suppose. Plot? Eh.

This one was turned into a movie and I've really typed more than it deserves.

The Sexual Politics of Meat by Carol Adams
Trying to tie veganism into feminism. Ultimately they both "exploit" someone. Women are treated like objects just like animals are. Yes, OK true. Pretty straightforward. This book gives some examples to drive this fact home. Shows how objectification is ingrained in our culture. Good idea for a book. But, I thought it maybe could have been done better...

Lenin by Robert Service
Really had some interesting stuff in it. Some things I recall years later that our capitalist society never mentions include:
-Lenin's older brother was killed by the Tzar when Lenin was still very young. Which probably gave Lenin some serious fuel to plot overthrowing the dictatorship.
-Lenin didn't really have a very high opinion of Stalin and didn't want him to get in charge.
-Lenin got shot in the neck in 1920 I think it was, which probably led to his death by 1922. This combined with already knowing how the capitalist nations all attacked after Russia overthrew it's dictatorship, I think excuses Lenin's anti-democratic actions in those few short years he had.
-the communist revolution in Russia in 1917 is not remotely in any way, shape or form a blueprint for change in modern times. Differences include:

1. The army was starving to death and open to the idea of communism. Today if they were starving they'd go for some rightwing military dictator, which even back then they almost did.
2. There was no sophisticated corporate news media which gave 99% of people all their (extreme procapitalist) political information. Back then socialism wasn't considered absurd.
3. They were overthrowing what was clearly a dictatorship (IOW a monarchy). Most people think we've got a democracy today.
4. This was before TV and cars, the two most isolation inventions in history. Back then people generally had to leave their houses and interact with one another for entertainment. Now we're so isolated, or divided, that there's absolutely no organization in place to accomplish anything against the state.
5. The state wasn't the well oiled cohesive machine back then that it is today. Back then most transportation was by horse. And in Russia at least they didn't even keep good records about their dissidents. It was a chaotic situation. A sophisticated corporate media hadn't brainwashed the populace against socialism. The army was starving. If you got together some people with guns, you had a chance.

So (a very few unbrainwashed) people today talk about the need for a vanguard, as if we need to follow the model used from way back then. Absurdity. Incredibly absurd. If there was any remote chance of a socialist revolution in the US (which is impossible thanks to the work of the corporate media) they would immediately use force and crush it.

It wouldn't take weeks for a message to travel to some remote location of unrest. They wouldn't have to send troops on horseback. In 30 minutes, very well fed army troops with machine guns, bullet proof vests, rightwing FOX news views, tanks, bombs, etc would there to permanently disappear you. Off for waterboarding or whatever.

Maia by Richard Adams
He wrote Watership Downs which I vaguely recall was some great book. Been so long though, might have to glance at it again... This one is about a very high priced prostitute. Goes into great detail about how great a dancer and looker, etc she is. Seemed extremely different from Watership Downs. I didn't make it to the end of this 1000 page book though. If the hero was going to change this medieval dystopia there really wasn't any indication. And I didn't really like her anyway.

L. E. Modesitt's 'Legacies': forgettable. The main character could perhaps be called stoic. There are virtually no insights into psychology or sociology. Very much a physical/action tale. But about a hero with special powers who's a good guy in a somewhat dystopian world. On that basis I read it and might eventually read more as I think it's a series. More likely I'll just forget about it. But I will at least remember it a little as I wrote about it here.

Not going to finish summarizing the last few months of my previous blog. Just repetitive now and an increasing wince factor. I don't think I'm going to do a summary of the summary. But hard to say as I'm going to spend a lot of time looking at it in the future. It's plenty good enough to get a move on though.

So, ready to really get started writing now. Nothing else to wait on. Starting outline tonight. Which is not something I'm going to go into in this blog.

Otherwise looking at some new books. R. Scott Bakker, considering his blog, looks potentially incredible. Ordered one of his tonight. Few others to come.

Elsewise starting to get hang of vibrato on cello. Such a difference it is. And, again, so glad I chose a fretless instrument. 5 or 6 months in and I can still see an improvement each week. Something I don't remotely recall being the case with piano.

I heard a bit of song on NPR last night in between show segments that was note for note the same as one of my songs and unusual enough that I'm not so sure it was coincidence.... I don't remember which of mine it was. And have no idea who wrote (or stole) whatever song it was I heard on NPR. I was thinking if it was indeed stolen I would only be flattered. I didn't bother to rush home and at least figure out which song of mine it was though. And in fact have forgotten the tune entirely at the moment. I just don't really care. If someone liked one of my songs enough to steal it, great, enjoy. It would be sort of funny if someone literally made an entire music career spanning decades just off of stealing what I write and post onto internet oblivion.

...skimmed though the top 60 and couldn't find it... But here's one I completely forgot writing. They sound so much better when I completely forget I wrote them. Thank god for forgetting.

Read the first two books of Gormenghast but not planning on reading the third because there just isn't enough of a sense of an injustice that needs to be righted and/or some vague highly positive thing that looms off in the distance. Possibly in other words it could be said that Titus isn't enough of a hero. There's nothing it's clear he's going to fix. Maybe that's what he's supposed to be, actually. But it hasn't been made sufficiently clear for me...

Perhaps it could be said that the book is too "adult" for me. The right and wrong is too ambigious. The good guys and bad guys aren't quite clear enough for me...

At first I thought Gormenghast's mindless absurd adherence to tradition was part of an extreme dystopia and that Steerpike was hopefully going to do something about it. Turns out he just wanted to get to the top of such a society. So he's a "bad" guy. Although yet his upbringing is such that one could sympathize with him. So he wasn't an entirely 2D bad guy, which is good. Yet then again, he was quite close to 2D.

So then is Titus going to do something about this mindless adherence to tradition/ritual?

He's certainly not a fan of it. Perhaps he might. Yet, as he gets older, it seems more and more that this ritual is their form of religion. At the same time that I can't hardly see anything particularly harmful really in their traditions/rituals. Well OK here and there, yes. But nothing particularly glaring. It's more like does Titus want to help support their form of religion or not? And there isn't quite such a clear right or wrong answer to this question. So, again, no clear injustice that needs to be righted. And no sense at all of some vague, mysterious, wonderful thing looming off in the distance, like bringing dragons back into the world or at the very least some great happiness for the protagonist.

And finally, Peake has killed off almost everyone else, and has Titus leaving this massive castle, somewhat mysterious (in a vague wonderful way) castle.

So despite Peake's verbal wonders, and for that matter occasional beautiful insights, I find myself not so interested in continuing.

Is a clear sense of right and wrong childish? Or is it that assimilating into the adult world means finding a way to convince yourself that a lot of things that clearly are wrong actually aren't? Most childrens initial reaction to eating meat, is that this is something that is wrong. They then learn to believe it's perfectly fine. This then occurs over and over again as they slowly learn to adapt to, to believe in, all the social norms of our post-industrial society. And generally to the extent they do so successfully, they will be happy in their life.

My I'm in such a good mood today.

Best not to think. I might ruin it.

...(sigh) Now it occurs to me I missed a training class that was right after the 8 hour training class I had. This gives me anxiety about the possibility that some punishment awaits me. Some rightwing force stuff to keep us workers on the straight and narrow. Now I lay here with a tinge of anxiety that ruins the happiness I was feeling.

So then:

When fearful, when anxious, find someone else to be concerned about. Someone else to worry about instead of yourself. Someone else to focus your concern upon other than yourself. That's what I was doing previously today. How unfortunate to be pulled down into selfish concerns.

I suppose that's an original thought. That a society based on negative reinforcement stops people from being empathetic, compassionate and pulls them down into being selfish, simply for self preservation.

But instead must redirect.

And when thinking negatively of someone, of their unethical actions, redirect to the social norms of this society. It's the system, not the people.

Redirect.

...what works even better in this case is to pretend I hadn't remembered about the class I missed. Or forget that I remembered.

Writing these blog posts at 5AM though instead of working on music because... I don't know. Getting run down on music a bit. Recognizing the repetitive nature of it which I have been trying to ignore. Still driven by curiousity. Which at this moment means I want to hear what the virtual synth basic-64 will sound like with multiple reverbs on it. It's a hard synth to write songs with. Not very inspirational but it seems the final product ends up somehow having a better sound. Also just discovered adding multiple reverbs gives a much more "real" sound. Either that or I'm losing sight of the difference between real and fake as a result of having spent so much time with the fake. Don't think so though.

Will have to power on through and write this music with the basic-64 despite the resulting music seeming to have such an old repetitive structure.

...one issue is that it's not a live improvisation because the reverb I'm using can't be used in real time. More I'm generally prefering live improvisations. Further I can't even put it on each track separately beyond a few tracks as it uses too much CPU for this computer. So technical aspects combined with my own composing limitations as usual, slowing me down.

Last night for dinner I had broccoli with hummus and a smoothie consisting of 50% frozen blueberries and 25% frozen strawberries and 25% frozen peaches mixed with rice milk and pureed in a 400 dollar vitamix (which seems to be essential to achieving the proper consistency.) I laid in bed and read a bit of Gormenghast and then despite having worked a night shift the night before and having slept (very well) till 4pm. I wonderfully, blissfully, momentously fell asleep a bit at arond 10pm, even with the light on as my wife read beside me. Then slept well till 4AM, which is plenty of sleep considering I had slept all day.

I had dreams even, but seem to have forgotten them...

How wonderful, how magical to sleep like that. Hopefully I'll never take it for granted. Love working one single night shift a week by the way, as it's less likely I'll take for granted that I'm not permanent night shift anymore.

All around wonderful. Feel so much better when I eat well. Sweeth tooth slowly disappearing as I immediately just don't feel as good. It seems I occasionally get a craving. Eat a bit of something bad, and immediately don't feel quite as good (still OK) and then instead take the bad food to work and give it away. (Brownies, cookies, cakes, etc.)

Knee also feeling better with going back down to 6.0 and now 6.1mph for the running.

Fiction writing is generally strongest either in plot, characters or setting. In general fiction it's most likely plot. In fantasy (which includes sci-fi) it's generally setting. And in "literature" it's usually characters.

These Gormenghast novels are really strongest in characters despite the massive castle and as such for being categorized as fantasy it's pretty unusual, ultimately though it's just miscategorized I think. Not that I like to go on about categories. But the insight about fantasy-setting, general fiction-plot, literature-characters is worth noting.

Mark Twain says he considered titling his autobiography 'The Autobiography of a Coward' or 'Confessions of a Life that was a Failure'. This in order to try to be honest as opposed to most autobiographies and blogs for that matter which instead make the person out to be basically perfect. Of course if a person says negative things about themselves, there is the question as to whether or not they even realize they're saying negative things. Although whether or not they do, it still makes for actually interesting writing, which is something you virtually never find in the blogosphere.

For that matter there is conversely the chance that some people are really the angels they make themselves out to be. Like me for example.

not going back and ever rereading a diary/journal seems to mostly make it a waste of time. And I knew I wouldn't do so because primarily I wouldn't be able to stand how stupid I had previously been. This is like in Kundera's The Joke he finds an old diary he wrote as a teenager and he's so horrified and disgusted by what he wrote, that he rips the diary to shreds.

Wrote that almost two years ago. Now it's no longer true as I have indeed went back and read almost two years worth of a diary/blog/whatever. At times it was painful but it was/is an extremely important exercise, if nothing else, from the perspective of wanting to be a writer. I go back now and perhaps more clearly see when I wrote well and when I really didn't! But this is largely a matter of forgetting. The goal back then wasn't remotely to write well. I was often writing badly as I just thought things out. I knew and didn't care. The important thing was figuring out some thoughts. Anyway I haven't forgotten what I was about so much that I want to rip my diary to shreds. But if I had waited a decade instead of a couple years perhaps I would have wanted to.

...
Gormenghast certainly has it's moment. I don't like quite how much detail is put forth into scenery describing in the manner which he employs. I prefer Jack Vance's method. But Peake's characters. Their detail in personality, mannerisms and even physical appearance completely destroys certainly anything by Vance (Vance characters though horribly unvaried and usually nondescript) and anyone else for that matter. They are caricatures to an extent yet still with a level of insight that perhaps outdoes George Eliot.

In other news, thank god I only work one night shift a week. Night shift is awful. Bad sleep one day a week is standable but day after day slowly destroys one's body. Furthermore trying to stay up late on my days off is so depressing. Having to still do it once a week is nice just in having a continual reminder in how much better I generally have things now.

Was thinking in so many ways I do have it really well these days. My work is so different from day to day. And seeing so many different people at work is such a good thing. And the actual work is generally so positive of course. And J and I's combined income is very good. This house is wonderful. It really makes a difference having money. In many ways life is very good for me and after what I've been through both by bad luck and my own moral choosing, I deserve to now go ahead and enjoy life a bit, somewhat.

As things turned red, as things are red, I forget why am I sloshing through these pools of blood?

I had imagined something close to telepathy. Not actually but a speaking to a person as if we were literally in each other's heads and had no secrets. True understanding, no need to hide things. An understanding that hiding was absurd. But then to convey what to each other?

Nothing so special I suppose. The commonplace of life and reflections upon it. Simple plain actually meaningful friendships basically.

So that was lost then.

Instead a world where such doesn't exist, where it's inappropriate for me to call up anyone other than my parents or wife "just to talk".

But as I get older I care less and less. I adapt. Slowly, finally. Today the sun shines in brilliantly. Yes, the norfolk pine will get plenty of sun sitting right there. Dropped my fast running day down to 6.1mph and my knees feel fine. Now shall have a bit of hot chocolate and read some Gormenhgast. Summarize hellblog a bit later. Almost finished with part 1 of the summary now. Feel very good. I barely remember the concept of loneliness.

-fast asleep
-it is seven years since
-the procession far below him wind back from
-a blotch of shadow augured the approach
-as soon as entered he closed the door
-without slackening his pace
-the floor of the room sloped curiously
-on his way down a decline in the floor which sank to
-the darkness that lay beyond took him... muffling the edges of his sharp body
-for the furtherance of his own designs
-thronged
-he had, in a moment of devilment, turned his
-something impressive in his childish frame, as though there was a kind of weight there, or strength

grace
sent its rays
bustling
heartless
gloom
meander
profound
foreboding
stark contrast
havens
haunting
incessant
ascension to power
invites the pretense of justice
treachery
sweeping view
emblazoned
insignia
strode
a sense of wonder
learned their trade
a wicked smile spread across his lips
crept along the side
slipped in the alley
sped off
they took care not to
paid them no heed
strewn with stones
...permeated the air
smile spread wide
when the whispers ripple out
they streamed out
weapons waving menacingly
rummaging
pulling his stare from the spectacle
involuntary shudder
botched
the word prompted a jumble of emotions

"What place is this that is my world; what dark coil has my spirit embodied?"

"Look at his eyes," Vierna whispered to Maya as they examined the newest member of house Do'Urden.....
..."What do you see that the rest of us cannot?"

"How long will I survive?"
"How long until this madness that is my existence consumes me?"

Had a dream that started out in the car with my Mom and two vague people in the back. Mom decided to take a short cut through someone's lawn in response to which I voiced my extreme disapproval. The short cut meant running over flowers and over a very small fence. Unfortunately the lawn's owner was there waiting and Mom had to then take an additional detour which ended up with her stuck and caught while the lawn owner called the police. Mom said I could just leave, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to take part in the punishment.

Dreams are art. The "lie" which gets us closer to the truth. Seemingly random stuff which symbolizes/analogizes our own lives. The first half of this dream could symbolize my mother's second marriage, which perhaps was a mistake, one which I got taken along for the ride, where just getting away maybe would have been for the better.

So I got out and walked away and decided to visit S. But I couldn't remember quite where she lived. Which was strange. It seemed as if the house was hidden. As if the evil god kept trying to make me forget in order to thwart my destiny. I finally managed to find the house anyway.

A beautiful, unusual house. She was living with her parents. I came in and met her dad. He looked just like Michael Parenti in the dream. I debated with myself if I should mention this. Normally I don't mention to people that they look like someone else. This time though, in want of small talk I did. He had never heard of him. Although he made a bet beforehand that whoever it was, he'd know them, then he attempted to pretend like he did, I think as a joke.

He had a puppy with him that had a strange furry tentacle-like growth coming out of the top of his back. They were planning on having it removed. I noticed the dog could actually use it though, could wrap it around things like a monkey tail and I suggested they let the dog keep it's tentacle.

During all this I debated going downstairs to see S. Problem was that I was married in the dream and on what pretext exactly was I here visiting her anyway?

...heard on some disgusting radio station the following: "Man rule number 13: Never call up another man, just to talk." Meant to be funny although the humor doesn't translate to words, the gruff "manly" voice is lost, and the comedic timing.

That is the social norms of our society. To call up another man just to talk would be gay and thus breaks the social norms. And to call up a woman just to talk means you want in her pants. In our society there is no reason at all that a man would ever call up anyone "just to talk" except that he wants to have sex with whomever he's called.

So to be there at S's house without a pretext will make it quite clear to her that I've got something inappropriate going on in my head. And I've spent my life not lying about anything, thus I'm pretty much incapable of dishonesty.

She finally comes upstairs before I go down, it's like a ladder that is used to come up and down from this lower room and she makes a quip about how I must have not wanted to use the ladder. She's pregnant and glowing. Really looks beautiful. And my heart gives such a hurtful jealous pang. She must be with someone now!

Dream basically ends here. In real life I don't have anything really to do with S now because I'm basically a hermit. A hermit because I'd rather stare at a wall than take part in the crap social norms of this society. I'd rather stare at a wall than lie to myself. I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with anyone but my wife and other relatives. And I don't want to waste any time outside of work with people who really will only ever be aquaintances. People I forever have to censor most I who I really am with. People whom soon enough will move away and never be seen again.

To have healthy meaningful relationships with other people is not allowed in this society and I'm not interested in the twisted pitiful stuff that is. Rather spend the next 40 years at home. Which isn't so bad really. As long as I don't spend it watching TV.

...well the aquaintances aren't useless. To have no social interaction at all is really not good. Luckily my work gives me a ton of interaction.