My friend Bekah was basically just dropped off at the ED while she was out of her mind so when I found out I jumped out of bed at 3AM to stay with her. I assumed her family or husband would come back that morning. Nobody came back to 4pm. And by that point she been wrestling with security and restrained. I couldn't even get a hold of her family. They never answered my messages. So I ended up having to sign the paperwork and having to testify in court in order for her to get admitted (since she had been combative). And now, she isn't speaking to me. I don't know why. She told my wife though she isn't mad at me anymore, just needs some time. Still wants to go camping next weekend with us.

So... I don't know. She is speaking to the people who just abandoned her. But not me. Story of my life. But oh well. Not too upset now. Just waiting for her to speak to me to find out what she was even angry at me for. As I really don't know. She was totally out of her mind in the ED. I don't like that her whole family just doesn't speak to people when they are angry about something.

Something from Skinny Puppy's Remission. I imagined a version of myself that was like undead. Skeletal. And then I picture a place. That is dark. Something like an afterlife. Or purgatory. Some place after death. Soul Cairn from Skyrim has that murky darkness. Mostly empty. I had forgotten the sound. Similar to a thing I imagined. Like on the edge of something like a massive waterfall. Not necessarily water. A torrent like something. A combination of this background torrent and a desolation.

But it's eternal. Perhaps. And that is good. And it's a meaning beyond the absurdity of office job, food, etc.

But I wanted to write stories about it. And it's really not the basis for stories. I see some fan fiction about Soul Cairn though.

Went back to the soul cairn in Skyrim. This comes the closest to that place I have seen in my mind for so many years. I have the music playing in the background. Replaying Skyrim for it. Almost didn't find it.

My friend, Bekah, is going to be admitted to the hospital for some kin of mania. It happened 8 years ago before I knew her. I was hoping if it ever looked like it might happen again, I could help and stop it. But I have hardly seen her since she started feeling bad. Just her husband, who is very nice but I think not terribly bright. And with her parents tonight driving back from Georgia, where S just moved. S who was my close friend for so many years and now hasn't spoken to me in over 3 years. No particular reason ever given. I was very very worried about her going down there. But then Bekah said she was better. And hasn't seemed to want any advice.

I don't think this is how it should work. But I think this is what they want. I suspect they are wrong.

My tennis is its best ever. Except that I can't take the heat. 92 today and couldn't make it 3 sets of doubles lol. Could play 5 sets of singles (against most people) if it was 20 degrees cooler. Gasquet forehand. Federer backhand. Laver serve. Trying to get back into endurance running. Hoping it will help me stand the heat. People 20 years older can handle it better. Yes, I had open chest heart surgery. But surely I can make it back. Decided to run despite the agony looming over me. (Kidney stone that was pushed back up into my kidney where it has sat for 4 years so far.)

Driving home from tennis started cramping. First the muscle on the underside of my jaw. Then I sneezed and my abdominals. At home cramps in my back. Feet. And I was hydrated. I guess I could have done more though. The cramping as I drive down the highway is a bit dangerous. Totally devoid of energy the rest of the day. But not ready to give up tennis in the summer. Only in my 40's.

Dune and partial Dune Messiah by Herbert. Really enjoyed. Always loved the Lynch movie. Book follows very closely. I can understand what a let down book 2 was, but that's exactly as expected. It's simply realistic which is what fantasy usually isn't. But Herbert had a realism to him.

Tried Thomas Covenant by Donaldson again. Gave up when he committed rape. Somehow I forgot that from before. Perhaps was seriously skimming previously. Before gave up because he was such a whiny bastard.

Warbreaker by Sanderson. I liked it and .... what was it even about again...???? Oh yes. Gods. Breaths. Enjoyed but find it not even worth describing now. A few people come back after death. They can then do one miracle which will kill them. In the meantime they will die if they don't take someone's breath each week. Other people can take breaths and have special powers they can use without dying. Yeah just too complicated like most magic systems by Sanderson. Needs to stay more mysterious.

30% into Sapiens by Yuval Harari. Going on about how we were better off as hunter gatherers. Meh. Otherwise enjoyable.

Have been reading David Foster Wallace. I used to turn my nose up at writers that commit suicide. But some of these people are hooked on medications and when they get out of whack they do unfortunate things. But being hooked on the medications doesn't mean they are without wisdom. Anyway liked that he's intelligent and talks about tennis. So I read some of his essays. Don't know that I will read Infinite Jest. Ultimately I didn't discover anything special. Just tennis musings combined with a bit of a brain which was nice.