It has been 2.5 years since last contact with S and it still really really bothers me. I'm sure that because she refused to speak to me and instead texted for months is a big part of it. I had too many negative things previously happen to me that way because I searched for mentally unstable people to be friends with long distance. The negative texting thing is just a horrible nightmare to me. And it seems like maybe that's exactly why she did it. That she wanted to hurt me as much as she could. Maybe. I maybe she didn't understand. I don't know. And that's part of the problem.

Maybe though I need to face that there is another problem. Which is that I found her to be the most attractive women I had ever known by a very long way. I can find the usual women attractive. The barbie doll types that are interchangeable. And, well, in other words they aren't really that attractive actually. They just have regular features. So what. But S was totally unique. There is just no one else remotely like her. I think that she would be considered kind of unattractive by most.

Understand that when we were friends there was never anything inappropriate. We were just friends. I thought it didn't matter that I found her so attractive. But, perhaps it was why we were friends in the first place. Why I liked being around her so much. And I think I must face that it must be partially why I'm still so unhappy about her suddenly refusing to speak to me when I became friends with her sister. Her sister (and her sister's husband) are actually far better friends. But I am not entirely just this rational sentient creature. I have an animal side and my animal side, I guess, is unusual.

There is only one of her on this planet it seems. Truly a unique creature that can't be replaced. And just the only one, I guess, who just "does it" for me. If I had been single I would have wanted to date her for sure. And I'm pretty sure that would have been some kind of hell. I am just totally ensorcelled by her. And she is mid 30's and never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend?). And there was something going on there, that she would have had such an issue with me being friends with her sister.

I can make it without her. It's just like a part of me has died I guess. But I'm mid 40's now. I may not live so much longer anyway. So I can make it. Maybe it's even for the best. But it's 2.5 years later and I'm just as upset now as ever.

How unfortunate to have had such feelings for such an evil person. That is definitely a flaw I have. The reality is that her sister is a sort of angel while she is a sort of demon. That is not an exaggeration. They are extremes. So I did send a message to her through her sister. I feel better about matters now. She prefers to keep things ugly forever. No one thinks it makes any sense. It's sad. It serves no purpose except that she is sadistic and petty. This is the most hurtful thing she can do in response to me being her sister's close friend. And if she ever spoke to me again it would mean I "won" the battle over speaking/not speaking to me. 

How intelligent am I really that such a person meant so much to me? I am of course part animal. This is how "did it" for me. I wanted to see her improve. Become more self aware. How much better to take an intelligent woman and convince her to work out some, lol. Not that that's the same.

But that doesn't entirely explain it and I hardly can see the point of explaining it. We were friends a long time. Why turn that into something ugly forever. All those memories. Her sister thinks she is irrational. My wife thinks she is mentally ill. Her dad thinks she's childish.