J said something smart today. I go after people to be friends based on who seems intelligent, unique and needs help the most. Emphasis on the latter. Like at a party I go start a conversation with the saddest looking, most awkward person sitting in the corner by themselves. This is problematic for obvious reasons. I pick broken people who generally aren't able to quite treat me with the decency and respect that I give to them. And unfortunately, relationships are a power balance. The person who thinks they are inferior, will be unhappy in the relationship.

And so I went after S. She looked so miserable at work. Although also so honest. And unique. And I must admit I did like the way she looked....

Perhaps I'm making this up. Finding a way to make it OK to me that she isn't showing any concern for my feelings lately. It is bothering me that such is the case.

But perhaps she is feeling inferior? Maybe she doesn't even know. People don't know what goes on in their own mind.

Attempts to think are so often futile. I'm so lucky to have J though. Never any real issues in 16 years now. I could have been so miserable.

D. D sort of picked me. That probably works better, usually. I suppose J sort of picked me also.

Tried listening to minimalist tonight but I just want Chameleons. Just not getting tired of them. Years and years and years.


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The key to happiness in most relationships is finding a way to give people a free pass to not really treat you the way you would want to be treated. So try to remember such and such, who you have a good time with, really has some serious issues and that's just how they act... And so and so, who's company you really enjoy (mostly) unfortunately just isn't quite your equal, leading to subconscious malevolence.... And so on, find a way to give them free passes. Doesn't matter if it's bullshit. Or sounds elitist. Or whatever. Certainly don't share it with them. Just whatever works to stop you from getting upset. Because obviously someone is going to get treated like crap in 98% of friendships. Better it be the person most able to handle it. But when they steal your car, it's time to cut them loose. And this doesn't apply to your spouse. It's really good if you can manage to find at least one person in the world who actually measures up.

Currently trying to alternate running with an exercise bike while sitting. 8 or so minutes easy followed by a minute or two hard for each. Plus at least once a week on the elliptical with a 60 pound pack. This keeps my back good. I think Lendl had the right idea with the biking. If you sit it gets that ROM that aerobic running misses. But Lendl hurt his back. Thus the 60 pound pack. I'm finally able to sleep on my stomach lately. It's been such a long road back. So many years. Strange that a back can continue to "heal" 10 years after the injury. But not actual healing. Just a matter of strengthening to keep everything in place.

But only getting to do aerobic stuff maybe 3 days a week. Plus tennis once or twice.

It's incredibly important to have some friends. I may be losing S after all these years. I so much as suggest heel striking (when her achilles is injuried from non-heeling striking in vibrams) and she loses her shit saying I'm always pushing crap on her. No matter what I say she accuses me of something. I've barely mentioned the concept of veganism to her in 5 years, I'm married to a omnivore for 13, yet, supposedly I'm constantly trying to convert her. Etc.

Wanted to talk with her about these issues... and she couldn't be bothered. I got angry. Thought it basically meant she was done with me and it was a shitty way to go about being done with someone. She claims otherwise but now, "needs some time away from me." I wonder if she is done with me but just doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So it needs to be my fault, etc.

Must remember this is a lady in her early 30's, who I guess isn't gay, who's never had a serious boyfriend. One way or another she has some issues.

I love that she keeps it real (extremely honest). I crave this so badly. It's why I tried to befriend people long distance who refused to actually speak to me. I need realness. BUT, keeping it real leads to fights, usually.

I hope she'll get past this and we'll be friends all our lives. But I'm having my doubts. Should I ignore all my past experiences or try to learn from them? "Learning" from them means being a suspicious bastard I guess. Lately trying to unlearn what life has told me. Trying to remember S is very "quirky".

Tried to keep my elbow really straight and it was working... until I played two days in a row. Suddenly on day two very bad golfer's elbow. And arm still hurting a few days later. Something like pushing and rubbing against my head has actually caused very slight elbow "pain" for a few months I guess. But arm has been fine with tennis lately until playing two days in a row. 

Worried I'm working my way to needing surgery. Next I play going to try a eastern backhand grip and a cricket style pitching motion. This way my hand will never be behind my elbow, which hopefully should stop any additional elbow problems. 

It had seemed like keeping my arm straight with a continental grip was going to work very well but I guess not. Maybe I need six months off. But going to try this cricket style thing first......

Read Blindsight and Echopraxia by Peter Watts. Too much 'hey neato science nerd stuff'. And felt the overall tone wasn't sufficiently highbrow to support such a negative ending. Spoiler: the alien mold is going to take over earth.

Been number one in my tennis league for a couple weeks now. Didn't beat Jay C. He lost to someone else. Finally think I'm getting the hang of the one hand topspin backhand (with continental grip). Have to flip the wrist over.

Want to switch to a eastern forehand grip. Need to practice that a bit.

Got my serve working very well as far as control (and pace is quite good also). Placement getting very good. Trying very hard to keep arm straight so my arm doesn't hurt. Actually seem to still get topspin on it this way. And finding that I actually serve better this way anyway.

Played mixed doubles against indoor courts owner, college coach and some other lady yesterday. Had a good time.

The Hawth is 6 weeks old and it's all kind of amazing. Like slowly nurturing a plant but it's a quite a bit more than that.

Been a good time lately I guess. No evil people have been bothering me lately and haven't been so worried about the possibilities. And spending a lot of time just at home with J and Hawth. Playing Skyrim, up to level 33.

Writing a bit of music here and there. Totally neglecting cello and hammered dulcimer. Thinking about getting piano off craigslist. Continuing to stay distracted.

Worked up to 60 pounds pack on elliptical (along with bungee cords so I can pull my legs up). Neglecting running and anerobic stuff lately. A month before races will get a few hard runs in I guess.