1. Evil is within us. It's a good idea to keep this mind in order to try to check yourself from accidentally slipping into some unfortunate behaviour. Often it's happening on a mostly subconscious level so you really need to be somewhat introspective.

Jealousy. Passive aggressive behavior (i was just being funny!). Objectifying women (the goal isn't to make them like you so you can have sex with them). Recognizing the real motivation behind your actions (i just want to show them I'm better than them). Etc. We all do negative crap without realizing it. Keep an eye on yourself.

2. There are some people who are really quite terrible to others. This is generally because they have failed quite badly at the previous point.  They will for example dislike someone because they are jealous of their good looks and happiness. But they want to think good thoughts about themselves and recognizing that they're being jealous would make that difficult. So they convince themselves that there is some other legitimate reason why this person deserves to be treated badly. For example they will decide the person is a narcissist.

Be wary in particular of people who seem to think that of others (that others are narcissists). It seems to be the default when someone really wants to dislike someone and they can't come up with anything better.

Some people have inferiority complexes. They will be consumed with feeling that someone else is better than them. That other may be very easygoing and nice yet in their mind any interaction with them is a competition where the goal is to make themselves look good and/or the other person look bad. This can lead to all kinds of bizarre behavior. Meanwhile they may be nice to someone else who they don't feel inferior to.

3. If someone treats you good that doesn't mean they treat everyone good. They may just find it in their personal interest at that time to have you on their good side. They might be treating others terribly at the same time. And. Tomorrow they may start treating you terribly too. Pay attention to what others think of them and for that matter, what they think of others. Because you don't want to waste years of your life on someone who ultimately is going to turn on you.

4. Dishonesty: Good lord but there's a lot of it going around. Don't be annoyed if some woman dumps you without explanation. Women are the physically weaker sex and this means they are more afraid of what might happen if they tell some guy the truth. They might just not want to date anymore because the guy has a little penis. I'm sure some women have honestly told a guy that and been beaten to death for it. They might not actually even know why. Just have some subconscious feeling if wrongness.

It is understandable to be highly annoyed if you were dating or friends with someone for many years and they just drop you without explanation. Please never be that person. People do such things mainly because they lack self awareness. They don't know why. Or they are jealous and convince themselves it's some other reason. That you did something so terrible you don't deserve an explanation. Or whatever. People are amazing at convincing themselves of things that make them the good person and you the bad.

5. Sometimes doing the right thing means going against the crowd or against someone who has some power over you. For example both my biological mother and father are now married to people who want them to have nothing to do with you. This is highly immoral. And both are weaklings who do as they're told. Why exactly for each is complicated but ultimately they are weaklings.

It's important to understand that to really be a good person there are times when you are going to have to be strong. When doing the right thing will mean people getting angry with you.

6. People can pass on their genes better if they commit adultery or just jump from partner to partner. The mindset it takes to do this isn't so great. Such people lack self awareness in so many ways and they do pass on their genes more than others. Their children usually have the same issues. And so it goes.

7. Often you will get this man who believes that he is in charge and everyone else in the family must be obedient to him. For every such man you will find a simpering women who only exists to please him and do as she's told.

Both disgust me. As such men couldn't exist without such women to support their "reign". I believe in equality. And so I have always liked "strong" women.

But the difference between a strong woman and a bossy or bitchy woman can be hard to see. So I have often had relationships with "bossy" woman. But I'm not actually a person that can be bossed around. So i have had quickly failed relationships.

Sociopaths. Someone said everything is a competition to them. A longtime friend it seems claim to believe.

.
Journey. First scientists halfway change you to something absurd. Then 3 witches take a piece of your heart and release you.
...
Time line straight to hell. Make any demon apologize to change the course if the world.
.....
Have to like on both levels for ut to work.
conscious level and the animal level.
....
Some women really really hate that they are physically weaker than men. So much that it constantly colors their interpretation of the world. With a perfectly nice man they feel as if the threat of violence still hangs in the air. And they hate men for it. And they must show men they can hurt them too. But they can't show by flexing their muscles. They have to actually hurt the man in order to show their "equality". So they try to hurt a man who loves them with the silent treatment, or by lying, manipulating, trying to create jealousy, etc. And they don't feel as if this behavior is unethical. They feel they're just putting things on even terms. If the man objects, that just means the man can't stand things being equal.

They usually don't realize any of this is going on in their head. It bothers some of them so much that they really prefer to just be alone.
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Happy about the damage you've caused. 22 years later? Excellent.
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Because i can't physically hurt you and you can me. Because I'm angry about that. I will hurt you in this lesser way without really reflecting on how unethical what I'm doing is.

Us women aren't as physically strong. We must do these other things. While you aren't actually doing anything at all because physical violence is against the law. Still in my mind you hold the threat of it over my head.
....
Possession for 20 years.
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Contraption around penis that can cut it off. Left there for a decade.
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Men who believe in gender equality are more likely to feel moral outrage towards women. They are more likely to commit violence against women. They are more likely to commit suicide.
.....
Giving birth to and raising a child kind of sucks. It's really not good for your body. Women used to regularly die during the process and even today it really causes lots of physical issues. Caring for this baby then means sleep deprivation for years (and only the women has breast milk so of course she ends up with the majority of the work).
What really drives this home is actually having one. The little things are 24/7 care. Wave goodbye to any kind of life. And then they grow up and at best, see you at Christmas!

Yes. Creating a human being is amazing. But risking your life giving birth, sleep deprivation for years, struggling to not just end up raising a sociopath? It 's not terribly logical to want to be a baby making machine.

And yet, without them that's the end of the human race. So why are we still reproducing? Because women, generally speaking, are a bit less logical. Simple evolution. The logical ones clearly have fewer children. To an extent the IQ of both men and women is kept down. But just like men have more muscle mass and height, women generally speaking are a bit less logical. They still have good vocabularies and score the same on IQ tests that when they were made in the first place were calibrated to ensure they will do about as good on. And there are plenty of exceptions. But generally speaking thus life unfortunately is.

And when they feel moral outrage (which they were a bit more likely to arrive to by faulty reasoning) the kind of actions they want to commit are generally legal. Unlike men who want to go kill people they instead want to spread nasty untrue gossip. They want to spread jealousy. They want to lie. They want to ghost someone because of an untrue rumor they heard and so on. They want to destroy your reputation in the workplace. And beyond the fact that it's not illegal, it just feels like no big deal to tell a nasty lie, while committing violence is something that will hang over your head for the rest of your life.

Because their actions are legal they are far far more likely to go right ahead and do them. Because they are legal, they're far less likely to get into any trouble for it and we don't have any statistics about women telling really harmful lies to compare against murder rates. And so then men can be maligned more than women. Men are 20 times more likely to commit murder. They're good at violence. And there aren't any statistics kept about drama created because of jealousy, lies and manipulation.

When a man is morally outraged at another man they can kill or not kill each other. When a women is morally outraged at another woman they can both lie and manipulate everyone involved or not. But when it's a man and a woman, the man in modern society (provided he's not a violent idiot) is at a disadvantage. And the end result is a suicide rate for men that is 4 times higher than for women.

Because in order to perpetuate the species they have to be less logical. Because their unethical behavior is legal.

As a man you can either be a sexist and expect illogical behavior and hope that you get lucky and find an exception. Or you can believe in perfect equality and get a nasty surprise over and over again, where you feel perpetually morally outraged at what they did and you can't do anything in return.

You can dismiss most of them as illogical and free to perform unethical legal acts or you can spend your life morally outraged.

And a lot of them are really unhappy that they're the ones who have babies and have breast milk. And aren't as strong physically. And make less money, etc. A lot of women are just angry in general. So they illogically take it out on some poor fool who as it so happens is lonely and alas heterosexual and believes in gender equality. So let's treat that potential rapist like shit. Let's lie. Let's ghost.
And again. And again. And again.

Men who believe in gender equality are more likely to commit suicide.

.....
Men commit violence, which is illegal. Women try to hurt by acts that are generally legal. Both are fueled by moral outrage. Sometimes feeling moral outrage is justified sometimes it really isn't. When as a result you want to do something violent, you generally stop yourself. When it comes more natural to commit hurt in a legal manner, you're more likely to go ahead and do it.
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There is a certain portion of the population that when they feel moral outrage, they want to commit violence. There is another portion that instead cause hurt by legal means (lies, manipulation, etc). The one group is far less likely to implement their actions because they're illegal yet they are disproportionately maligned because they're actions result in court convictions. Meanwhile the target of legal violence is 4 times more likely to commit suicide. 8 times more likely after divorce.
......
Two couples. One where the woman is always yelling at the man and acting like she hates him. Though he thinks it's just an act and she has to be humored, like she's part animal. The other where the couple are actual equals and get along fine.
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Women who want children don't want free thinkers. To raise their baby they want security and throughout history the key to security was to be an accepted part of the community/village. And the key to that is conforming.

And women who don't want children still find the exact same things attractive generally speaking because that's what our gene pool has become. The women who really didn't want a conformist have been far less likely to successfully raise children.

And for this same underlying biological reason women are less likely to be freethinkers. Community matters more to them. Fitting in matters more. It takes a village to raise a child.

Otoh Men in general don't care if the women is successful. They don't care if they're a conformist or very unusual. Finding as many different women attractive as possible is what best increases their chances to pass on their genes. Beyond having sex they might successfully spread their genes better be abandoning their family and finding another women, etc.

And at least compared to women men are more freethinking. There is less subconscious concern about the raising of children. They don't care that it takes a village to raise a child. Of course for their own sake they still conform. Just slightly less than women.

.......
Things have broken down. Women no longer need men. And they no longer feel like they have to have children. So, many are quite happy to instead just live alone.

Men aren't happy being alone. And a lot of them do want families. 100 years ago that would have happened for them and now instead it's not.

A lot of women who feel this way are really quite rude to the men that they assume are interested in them. Many are subconsciously rejecting being a homemaker and giving birth to babies in how they treat men. Some man is perfectly polite and the woman ghosts him and laughs about it.

And this plays a role in the 4 times higher suicide rate. Along with men just being more violent in general. And unable to express their feelings to anyone except a woman SO.

.........
She immediately began attacking me again. Trying to force me to do what she wanted.

"Why would you do such an awful thing?"

"Look. Just go away. I don't want anything to do with you. What you're doing isn't going to change anything."

"I just want to know why. Everything seemed fine and then you just disappeared."

....nonsense response.
...........

The Knowing
Everything is made clear. How your actions affected others. And what they were going through that affected their actions. For every moment of your life. Perfect memory will return and you will know. Avoid crowds?

One man for every 5 women in "polite" society. Or one man out of five considered acceptable to women. Because they reject everything that isn't extremely "normal". Because they want winners. Meanwhile men want to not be alone. The rejected men kill others and themselves. Themselves at 4 times the rate of women. Others at 20 times the rate of women.

The self proclaimed savior. It's not revenge. It's to save us all.

It's not me. It's we. I see through the fake smiles. We're miserable. I must destroy the social order for the sake of all. What happened to me personally is irrelevant and i was not effected by it at all.

S nord, w sites, j sea, d kelly, r carlyle, l cooper, m mccombe: the six witches. Captured. Comically declare him evil.

The girl who doesn't know she's writing romance fiction, who has no beta readers.

Change the time sequence for evan kime muto tennis fb message and add.....

Losing ian anthony is like the witch eating gretel is like the mom marrying the evil stepfather

Spending time with people, creative endeavors, playing musical instruments, running, tennis... you get the majority of your fulfillment, productive output, and/or improvement in the first hour for that day. Diminishing returns beyond that.  So it's not so terrible to spend an hour with your family, run for an hour, play music for an hour and write for an hour everyday.

Rewrite archetypal stories like wolfe does

Brothers grimm archetypes live on in modern settings

Character begins every conversation with a untrue accusation and a threat.

Most people are partials

A song called i wasn't there. A story called I wasn't there.

I want justice like a murdered child.

A man seeks to remember things he's forgotten

Destroyed potentials

The battlefield of creation vs the battlefield of murder. Birth vs murder. Women vs men. Manipulation vs physical violence.

The logistics of justice

Expand Johnny comes marching home.

The more fun someone is, the less likely they're a good person.

There's a kind of brief teleportation. Just for a few minutes at dusk. I usually go to the giant sequoias. But I could go lots of places. I can also go to the past. That can surely be dangerous though. Once I went to my own far past. But time paradoxes and for that matter, what could i have really done?

The perfect book should be a kind of masturbatory fantasy. The MC overcomes adversity again and again. Perhaps not too dark. But not paper tigers. He brushes off the stuff done to him. And he must have an understanding of people in order to overcome. Make everything a metaphor. Teleportation is routine but not expressly mentioned.

Trying to do something amazing really just to prove how special you are, how they were wrong to treat you so, means that you are filled with the desire for a kind of revenge.

Eternity, perfect memory and justice.
If so, why not gods that influence our thoughts? The holocaust and so on...

The stress of coherent thought when nearing sleep.

I think it's funny when people do something to their appearance to be different. Purple hair or whatever. If you really were different, you'd be doing your best to hide it. People who actually are different in a substantive way know better than to go around advertising it.

It's ok to be different, as long as your differences are completely superficial.

I have been unfairly misjudged 99% of the time.

She's imprinted on my soul.

The last of a genocided race.

Almost everyone acts like they're a good person in the beginning.

Reaching and reaching for what will never be.

Women. They kind of have to have a basically vapid pleasant demeanor to enjoy getting their cooch routinely pounded and then popping out babies.

Women have a herd mentality.

Correlate iq and friends
Correlate friends and online group participation
Correlate iq and online group participation

Ten mysteries
1. The statue with the strange inscription in the overgrown garden.
2. Unable to remember his past. There are hints. (It was mostly horrible and mostly good he doesn't remember. One other does remember but has mercy and doesn't tell him.) They're nearly immortal.
3. Good deed that goes unacknowledged finally helps someone hundreds of pages later.
4. Sorcerer's let demon inhabit them that will eventually take over their bodies.
5. Mysteries around magic

Raw spinach (squeaky mouth) followed by wine.

I see magic. Huge potentials that will never be realized. I must accept that always it has been so.

The mythic gathering. Revealed in the afterlife? 50 people? 1000? The reaper? Overlaps? One reaper for multiple gatherings?

Partial people.

Women's ugliness is generally legal while men's is physical violence. When it's legal you do it more and have less awareness that it's even wrong.

Judging others. Do they ever seem introspective? Ever admit to having faults.

The key to eating less is finding  stimulation from other things.

The alpha male wants to be loved by everyone. He cannot tolerate injustice.

One sleeps without sex by remembering that dreams are sacred. They are when we are transported to another world.

As i abstain from sex of any kind i increasingly turn to alpha male thinking. Attempts to be the alpha male. I don't want to just let anything go. I want justice more and more. But justice for me! I want those who have wronged me to truly apologize. I want them to understand that they were wrong. That i am good. But being good i think is in my mind a part of being the alpha. And I have to establish that I'm the alpha. The longer without, the more important it becomes. 

Those that you truly believe have wronged you can be transformed and made yours in the next world.

It's the subconsciously sadistic. They enjoy hurting others though they won't admit this to themselves. They make it ok by convincing themselves the person deserved it. They do this with terribly illogical reasoning. Reasoning so terrible you wonder how they can hold down a job and successfully make it to work. But the thing they only

The subconsciously sadistic have two kinds of thinking: the terrible illogic that they use to justify treating others viciously and that which they use to successfully keep their job, make it to work each day and so on. They lack adequate self awareness to realize what they're doing.

Stuck between the evil and the stupid.

Not enough people. Not enough smart people. Wasted my time on intellectual duds.

I previously wrote that 3 miles in 20:59 on a treadmill in Feb 2014 was a huge PB and that's not true. Actually my 21:40 for a 5k race is a pace of 6:59 and that's better than the same pace on a treadmill at only 1% incline. And I did that pretty much on just running twice a week. But it seems for some reason I calculated that as a 7:13 pace. Was it because the race distance wasn't measured correctly and I went with what my garmin said? Possibily. Even if was really 7:13 and not 6:59, the 7:13 is just as good as any other run and I actually never broke that for a 5k from way back in 2012. And I'm pretty sure I really preferred just running twice a week. And then I did 16 miles in 2:27 as "10/2s"?? I was running for ten minutes straight? Pretty decent run. Including a first mile in 7:50???? In December 2011 I did multiple 2:40/50 16 miles with very short intervals (2:30/1:25????!)And a "6/2" for 12 miles in 1:48. It's no wonder I did a downhill half in 1:48 back then that summer of 2012. I probably would have done it faster as an interval workout..There were a lot of really long runs with shorter intervals. I know that wore out my knee and even beyond that I think eventually burned me out. Also some silliness with 5 pound weights in each hand. Also a 4/2 for 10 miles in 1:32:20. Then in the fall did a couple 20 milers and then wandered off into maffetone. Oh well. So, I'm quite curious about 6/2s twice a week. I wonder about that. Shorter stuff definitely is limited and I know continuous runs don't really work so great for me. And running everyday also doesn't seem to be so good. In other news, what a hellish life I've had. Please let me survive another 20 years with good health for my children. 

So I'm trying to improve at long distance running, tennis, piano and guitar. I'm pretty sure i will never again have time for the 40 by 20 foot enclosed raised bed garden i made and am considering removing it for some weeping willows. Possibly just let the bamboo go wild. I have a gaming computer but taking a break from that. Hopefully Hawthy will start playing elder scrolls and enderal on it soon.

No time for cello. Writing looms in the distance. Continuing to write my somewhat deep thoughts down elsewhere. Reading Wolfe's entire solar cycle now. Which i had read halfway through before. And read new sun at least 3 times probably more.

My running goal is sub 19 5k/ sub 40 10k. Or say 9 miles in an hour. My PBs are 21 5k, 7:53 pace for 8 miles. To somehow improve at my advanced age i'm trying easy intervals instead of much slower easy continuous runs. Easy continuous runs never did anything for me really before.

My fingers are toughened up for guitar. Need some good books though to start learning songs instead of chords. Barre chords are so hard. A major barring is possibly impossible for me. Barring at all on a 12 string, even scalloped..for get it. Was trying dgdgbd tuning that way. Maybe if i removed the lowest d like keith richards. Or maybe remove the 3rd and 4th string and tune the lowest 2 to like an e and something else? Also got a nylon classical so now i have 4 different kinds of guitars.

Learning canon in d on piano now. Really an easy one. Attempting to play entire gladiolus rag and chopin funeral once through everyday. It's a mental stretch to do both entirely. Also trying to find time for Nyman's heart asks pleasure. Just this is time consuming. If i wasn't also running and playing guitar everyday...

Everything one hand continental works great if playing someone who hits flat. But not as good against really heavy topspin. But I'm going to stick with it. I really need to practice high forehands though.

There is a mindset that it's better to be really good at one thing then ok at many. I highly disagree. Doing just one thing is boring and it's not really a competition. Music certainly shouldn't be anyway. The whole "i am a guitar god!" mindset is a perversion. It's about whatever song you are playing, not you. Same with piano.

In tennis and running (races) you are directly in competition with others but i don't care much about winning, just doing well. I'd much rather play tennis well and lose than win ugly / get my opponent to play bad. In running i just want to run fast with hardly any effort a long way.

Have a hypothesis that the usual traintraining advice doesn't work for people with relatively terrible aerobic development. Good development would be someone who's 5k pace is 7min/mile and easy pace is 9min/mile. Bad would be 7 versus 14. Or even 10 versus 16.

Supposely everyone is should do 80% of training at easy pace. One size fits all. But if you're easy is way slower than your hard the two just don't work off each other. The movement is too dissimilar. The ROM too different. Such people instead should do their "easy" at most 3 min/mile slower and make it easy by turning it into intervals. Like 11min/miles with run 4 min, walk 2. Until they eventually build up some aerobic ability.

3/4s are best. Though mentally hard to stick with. All that rest means running very hard. Hard to do for long. 3/3s and 3/2s are next best. Then 2/4s, 2/3s, 2/2s, and 2/1s.

I had been trying to just do steady state easy runs. I'm so slow this way. And don't enjoy it. I like being faster. I like alternating back and forth. I'm sorry but going back to intervals. I'd be very happy to get back to my slow times of previous years. 8.41 for 12, 7.53 for 8, 7.25 for 5, 6.59 for 3. My mileage was actually quite low all those times. 20 to 40mpw.

I worry about injury. But I don't have to go so fast.

It seems like I have a habit of quitting things right when I'm getting good at them. Not sure why. Perhaps self destructive. Perhaps set goals too high. Perhaps care more about figuring out the process. Most likely realize I'm not any happier when I'm good so i would then flit off in another direction. That's most likely. Lots of bouncing from one thing to another because of an underlying unhappiness that can't be solved by any hobby. At least I haven't bounced from one woman to the next.

Thinking of how i ran 20 miles at 11.5 min per mile pace a couple weekends in a row years back. I was capable of going faster. At the time i thought myself embarrassingly slow. I suppose it was slow. But started running again 3 weeks a go and how i wish i could run easy 11 min miles now. Now easy is 15. I think. But it's so hard to exactly pinpoint easy. I have run 82 miles in 3 weeks. Twice i pushed myself too hard. Felt scary weird afterward. Except for that i feel much better. My body was turning into something i wasn't enjoying being inside of. It's getting better but I need the patience that comes in part from being happy. Happy  people aren't constantly searching for that magical thing. I am happier now. Though still searching.

Learning 12 string guitar and going to scallop a cheap 6 string. Practicing everyday. While continuing piano. Have finished Chopin funersl march and basically gladiolus rag though couple pesky parts.

Happy Running by David and Megan Roche.
Run a ton easy. Throw in some strides. Get a dog? Don't be so hard on yourself you typical neurotic runner. Have fun.

Between Light and Shadow by Marc Aramini. An in depth analysis of Gene Wolfe's writing. Wolfe is now my favorite writer I guess. I love the short stories in particular. I want to write just like him. More or less. And that's ok. And that's a breakthrough. I'll be reading this a long time.

I gave up on the John Gwynne series. Too stupid. I'm done with that kind of vapid fantasy.