First I went back to the end of the hall to check on all the people. The door still stood open, still quite broken as I had left it. Everyone inside was still asleep. Every single one. All sleeping quite hard. I wandered the house a bit. First trying all the doors as I went back up the hall. All locked. At the end of the hall were circular stairs only going downward. All was beautifully engraved and varnished wood. Downstairs I found a large room with an empty fireplace and many chairs and couches. Many books that I longed to read for some understanding of where I was. But I heard what sounded like food cooking through a door at the other side of the room. I found her in a large kitchen all alone having breakfast. Like all other rooms the windows were very high up showing only the sky with sunshine lighting up the room. She was eating fruit and fried potatoes. More simmered on the stove.

With no preamble she said, "It's only temporary you know. I haven't figured out what else to do but obviously this isn't a permanent situation."

"How much of each day do they spend sleeping?"

"About half the day."

"And then what?"

"They play games. Card games. Drink wine. Play music. Dance. They are happy."

"They never remember? They never care that they don't?" I asked.

"No. Never."

"So is it the fruit or the whatever that brought them here is or this just some really bad inconsistent writing?"

"Now you've ruined everything!"

"Wanna fuck?" I asked.

"It's like Lewis' Devil on Venus. What weapons do you have? Let's put out bait and a trap for this beast."

"What could be bait?"

"I could."

The house was massive and we the two of us went through the rooms together looking for supplies. I found a shovel quite easily. The hard part would be some kind of tarp, or blankets. I would make a pit with just a very narrow walkway and platform in the middle where I would wait. The beast would fall in when it came for me. I would cover it with a thin layer of topsoil with grass.

There was no wheel barrow but there were baskets. There was this house which I ought to give an interesting description but somehow don't feel like thinking in that direction. That's a paucity of creativity I supposes. And the real reason why I've failed. Baskets, shovels, ropes. It would take a good bit of work and would only fool a dumb animal.

"Lady what is your name and why haven't I ever asked before now?"

"My name is Sybel. And although you aren't like the others. You are still somewhat affected I think. Does it just now seem strange to you that you never asked before?"

"I'm not sure." I mused. "It just now occurred to me it's the sort of thing one asks when first meeting someone. But perhaps I've never thought names really matter."

"Can the others help?" I asked. "Do they come outside?"

"I'm sure they can dig and transport the dirt." Sybel said.

"....and what is my name I wonder?"

I go down the hall to see them. They are all just laying around. I walk right up to a young lady and forcefully make eye contact until she finally gradually focuses on me.

"Hello! What is your name?"

She smiles sweetly, "I don't know."

"My god how terrible to not remember your name!" I exclaim.

She laughs, "No. It's fine."

"If you forget everything, it's pointless to do anything. Existence is pointless! How could that be fine?"

She laughs again, "Oh aren't you an impressive philosopher. Come sit with me and philosophize about philosophy."

I take a deep breath. "I'm going to call you Sunny. How's that? Can you remember your new name?"

"Oh perhaps. Why Sunny?" she asks.

"You have blond hair and you're so happy. Do you even remember that your hair is blond?"

She snorts and grabs a bit of her hair and looks at it and giggles.

"Do you remember how to poop and pee or does someone have to come and clean you?"

"You're questions are a lot of work." she replied.

"Stop bothering her!" yelled the Lady who had snuck up behind me. "What are you trying to accomplish talking to them like that?"

"Because forgetting isn't the answer," I say.

"How would you know? You are no different than her. Or have you remembered something?" she asked. "None of them ever have."

And yet again I lost to Jay C. This time quite bad 6-2, 6-0. But I didn't play very bad. Somehow he won 9 games in a row though. I wish I had it on tape... My first serve percentage was probably 65% which is extremely high for me. The much lighter racquet I think made a difference. Although I also wonder about how I've changed my serve. Leaning backwards like Becker, Sampras or say Thiem for example do. And then spinning into the court so that I can control the horizontal direction based mostly on how much I spin.

Also I did my new western forehand grip against him. But unlike the owner, he would hit it at my forehand on the serve, which it's a big ole looping swing. Could return serve well with it. After that I thought it was decent. But on the serve I think I want to return two handed.

My serve was really good but Jay C has an incredible ROS. Kept slicing it right at my feet. Never got any free points. And his serve was quite good. Very high first serve percentage. Hitting it to my forehand or out very wide to the backhand. Just far enough out that I couldn't quite catch it good.

He just played great. And actually the forehand needs work. Was pulling my head away early. And then a bit tentative with trying to make sure not to pull my head away. And again ROS issues. But we were both running all over the place. Lots of long points. Both serving great. Probably entertaining to watch. Game score just looked like a blow out.

This was with racquet (Prince Precision Equipe, 90's racquet 28 inch) strung at only 42 with NRG. Going to try tomorrow at 37 against a very easy opponent. Will be able to practice my ROS like Fabrice. And then switching to like Sock/Nadal beyond ROS. Got to keep my head down on that forehand.

Arm feels great.

I beat the westview owner 6-1,6-3. I used a Prince  Precision.28 inch. Only about 11.2 ounces. Had been using a 13 ounce racquet so it was super light. Exclusively hit a one handed forehand today for the first time in a couple years. Western grip. Played really well. My serve was actually much better which was surprising. Thought a heavy racquet especially helped the serve. But also I was trying to get my back to the court and really turn into the serve. Hitting decent topspin on two handed backhand also, semiwestern grip (equivalent). Best I've served in a long time.

Really have missed having a heavy topspin one handed forehand. My arm feels great. So far.

Also best my agility has been in a long time. Twice a week or so I jump as high as I can and then run for about a minute and repeat for 20 or so minutes. Have done this maybe 5 times now. Yesterday I went to a basketball court and did this and barely managed to touch the rim. Which is pitiful, I guess. Though I am 44 now. But feeling good. May manage to improve. A few more decent years perhaps. It feels good to have more muscle in my legs and be able to move fast and all that. It gives me happiness. Couch potatoes just don't get that. It's about feeling good. Not looking good. Well, mostly.

Read Hardcourt Confidential by Patrick McEnroe. Not very much technical tennis info in it. A bit about court surfaces. And a few other odds and ends about string tension, etc. Went on way too much about Davis Cup. Kind of boring. But I read it kind of ravenously.

Also rereading Islington as I completely forgot the book. That's the main point of this diary. To keep track of what I read. Now that I'm reading it I somewhat remember things but only right before they happen. My previous summary did not ring a bell at all. Hard to explain. The wizards in this world are treated like shit. Can't use magic to defend themselves at all or harm others. Have devices put on them also that stop them from using magic most of the time. Also sensors can tell if they use magic and it's somewhat of a wizard holocaust.... The hero is an Augur. He can (mostly) tell when people lie. All of his kind except him were killed.

I tried to remember back to the first thing since I had come here.

I remembered climbing up the hill with Natasha. It was very steep going. Easy to slip and fall. Loose dirt. Grabbing for weeds that might pull loose. I helped Natasha who didn't seem happy about needing my help. The sun shone down on us and we were really sweating. So we went for quite a while. But I couldn't really remember how long. An hour? All morning? Was it morning? But we slowly worked our way upwards until we made it to the top where we quickly found plenty of shade and the trees with so much large hanging fruit. We were very thirsty and it seems obvious that we should eat the fruit. But it was different than any fruit I had seen before and I wondered if it was edible.

But what was before Natasha? What was before the hill? Why did we decide to climb up it? I should ask Natasha what she remembers... 

I thought more and it seemed as if my memory was vague until we reached the fruit trees. Climbing the hill with her almost had a dreamlike quality. In order for us all to not realize we didn't remember, we would have to have false memories put in the holes and then also be made to feel as if looking to close didn't matter. This suggested something omnipotent, something that could control our very thoughts. Yet, why make it so that I could realize that something was wrong? 

I flexed and felt my muscles. They weren't insubstantial though it seemed mainly that my hands and wrists were really strong. I was much taller and stronger than the people huddled and shivering together in that room. And I had no bodyfat to speak of. I tried flexed my wrists trying to see if there were certain movements that they were stronger at but I couldn't tell.

I didn't trust the lady and finally took the blanket, pillow and sword and laid down still fully dressed with my feet against the door. I wondered if I had loved someone and forgotten them. Surely I must have had parents. How awful to forget whoever had loved me, if anyone. I may have been an unloved homeless orphan for all I knew. Had my life been very hard or full of friends and happiness? Wouldn't the one versus the other leave some kind of mark on me despite not actually remembering it? I seemed to be something of a stoic which would suggest I had had a hard life. Since here I hadn't smiled. I hadn't displayed any humor. But maybe that was understandable given this strange situation. Being stoic here was perfect. But I hadn't seemed to understand entirely how strange the situation was.

I awoke with the sun shining through the high window. I had slept very well which was surprising. But I suppose I had had a very mentally and physically hard day. No one had disturbed me. I quickly got up. Should I take the sword with me? I decided to leave it behind and first ask so as to not frighten the lady. She had left me alone in the night. She had even left a sword in the room with me.

Lost 7-6, 6-3 to Mohammad Z. Who is deceptively good. 6'4", thin, agile, gets everything in and hit all kinds of passing shots. Additionally we were on the super slow court so very few free points on my serve. And he was a drop shot master which tires me just enough that I start missing.

Next day played owner Steve and won 6-2, 6-2. Once again on the super slow court. Steve just doesn't have the agility. Also hit more unforced errors. But also I changed my grip. Instead of double continental backhand and trying to switch to continental/western forehand, I just used a continental/eastern forehand on both sides. So a Jimmy Connors backhand. Think it was the first time I used it in a match. It worked well. Going to stick with it for a while even if I have a bad day. Great for hitting on the run and ROS was really good too. Also EF grip much better on forehand if I have to go one handed. Trying to avoid going one handed on backhand unless absolutely necessary and then it's pretty much just a back spin lob unless at net.

On serve tried a eastern forehand grip on deuce court and continental grip on ad court. And my serve was better in the deuce court. After a while started hitting ad court close to an EF grip also. Think that's what I'll do in the future.

Also played with NRG for the first time. Previously thought NXT much better but NRG was plenty good enough.

"We're just full. That's all." She replies. "Tummies are full." She whispers.

They lay this way for an hour or so as it gets colder. Then they start shivering from the cold. And finally start crawling towards each other. Gathering in piles, bunched together to stay warm. So they lay, falling in and out of sleep. Like they were drugged. I walked around them, observing them. Every single one was the same. Shivering. Staring off into the distance. Not talking. Not making eye contact. I could hear howling outside. My stomach growled. Worse I was very thirsty.

"Hey. Is there water anywhere?" I nudged one of them with my foot. No response.

I raised my voice, "Hey junkie. Is there water anywhere?"

"The fruit is full of water my friend." He said with a dreamy smile, still staring off into the distance.

"Just the fruit then is all you eat?"

An almost imperceptible nod of assent.

"Who brings it?"

"The lady."

"Bit older, straight black hair. Parted in the middle?"

"Yes. Lady Sarah. She brings it. She found each of us in the forest and brings us to safety."

"Doesn't ever turn anyone away huh?"

"Never...." he falls asleep.

I'm not like these people. I knew it. This lady knew it. That's why she turned me away. I walk around the group again looking for Natasha. But she isn't here.

Night it is but the moon shines so bright. I'm cold. I too want to shiver. It would be nice to snuggle up. But I'm not one of these people. I lightly kick her again.

"Hey! Just the lady brings it? No one helps her?"

"No." she whispers half asleep.

Other than the high open windows, there is only one exit from the room. Large double doors which are closed. They are locked but move a bit when i pull move an inch outwards. I yank on them repeatedly with all my might. They do not react to the considerable noise and the doors break loose of the flimsy lock in less than a minute opening into a long hallway which i walk down passing many closed doors on each side, dim light from sconces,

At the end of the hall the lady stood waiting with a drawn crossbow.

"You're not one of my people."

"One of your drug addicts?" I ask.

She scowls. "I only protect them and keep them happy. Better than the death which awaits outside. What are you doing in here? How did you get in?" she asked.

"Just trying to not die. Why didn't you try to save me?" I ask.

"I've learned that some people can't be saved. If you could you'd be in there sleeping with the rest right now. But instead you're breaking down doors and who knows what else in the night. Such people don't live for long."

I dart forward while ducking to the side. The crossbow bolt skims my cheek. I yank the weapon away from her.

"Where is Natasha?"

"Sleeping peacefully."

"What game is this you're playing with the drugged fruit?"

"I'm saving their lives!"

"From what?"

"There is a creature in these woods that kills all who travel through here. The only chance at survival is to stay here. So many have died because they wouldn't stay. Finally I took this drastic measure ten years ago. But I've learned that it doesn't work with some. Those I don't welcome in."

"Those you let go on to die."

"As opposed to what? Let them come in and have them potentially overreact like I think you're going to do?"

"Lady have no fear. I wish you no harm and think it a noble deed you do for these simple folk. You are correct though in that I certainly have no wish to hide here from this creature. There is simply no possibility of that happening. I would greatly appreciate though if you could tell me more of it."

"It roams at night searching for prey. Nothing lives here outside of this house. For it finds everything. Finds all living creatures and kills them. Nothing lives for as far as I've seen. But men like you always think they can defeat it."

"If nothing lives, wouldn't it starve?" I ask.

"Hmmph! How would I know? During the day it's safe outside. But there is nothing alive. Some have attempted to stay outside near the house at night and they almost brought ruin upon us all. It killed them and tried to enter the house."

"But what is it?"

"It's a horror. Somewhat like a man but larger and grotesque. It kills with it's bare hands. The few corpses I've seen were not hardly eaten. Except while they still lived."

"I don't understand how people come here. But once here they cannot travel far enough away to escape it. Somehow these people just appear here. And I try to save those I can. These poor people. They never know where they come from. I give them something other than a horrific death. I don't suppose you remember how you came to be here?"

"I...."

"You don't know, do you? And isn't it funny that you never thought about the fact that you don't know before I mentioned it just now?" she asked.

I didn't know. So I reached within myself to find it and to my shock it wasn't there. I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. I reached for the memories and they weren't there. Somehow I was here but my memories were not.

I mused... "I feel as if... my memories just don't matter. I'm me. As I've always been, day after day. Situations change and change and change till the situations just don't matter anymore. Like I've lived for so long the particulars just don't matter.... Now at least that I try to remember, it seems this way...."

"So you think you've lived for some incredibly long time then? Centuries at least? How could you know this?" she asked.

"How could I know it without actually remembering it.... I don't know. Perhaps I've been enchanted and that is the thought put there to make me continue along my way despite not remembering...." I said.

She smiled and said, "It could be that you're enchanted. But it's a sort of dead end to say that magic did it. Whenever something doesn't make sense we can say that. It may actually be true. Or it could be a lazy way to explain anything we don't understand."

"Is this just how the others also feel?" I asked.

"They generally don't describe it quite the same. They just say they don't care to remember. But perhaps it's the same idea at its heart." she answered.

"Before or after you enchant them with the fruit?" I asked.

"I carefully interview each before I give them the fruit." she answered while looking at me warily.

"Is that where Natasha is? Being interviewed?"

"She is sleeping."

"And afterward they don't care much about anything. Not much of a life." I said.

"If I don't, they never believe me! They always try to leave eventually. They come here with some enchantment on them. No idea who they are. Not even realizing that something is wrong. I can't just let them go off to their deaths just because I can't successfully reason with them. Maybe eventually an answer will be found for them. Till then I try to keep them alive." she said.

"I feel as if I have nothing to fear from this creature. I don't know why but I don't think it can defeat me."

"You look strong, but nowhere near strong enough. Can you fight really well?" she asked.

I looked at my hands. And took a couple experimental shadow punches. I seemed.. OK at it. But hardly amazing. I lightly punched a wall. It hurt somewhat. Nothing special there.

"Stay a few days until you figure out what is so special about you that you can defeat it. Make yourself comfortable in the last door in the hall on your left. I must sleep now. Goodnight."

I walked down the hall wondering why I got a room while the others shivered huddled together on the ground. I wasn't sure her story added up. The room had the same very high window. Some moonlight shone through and after a few moments my eyes adjusted. There was a bed with a large chest at its foot. Some indistinct pictures on the walls and a small bare table with a single chair. I was wary of getting in the bed and relaxing. I couldn't see in the room as well as I would have liked. And I didn't trust this lady. So I slipped under the covers fully dressed and laid there for a while. Then got back up and investigated the chest. It had more covers and most surprisingly a very small sword. I waved it around some. It didn't stir any memories. It was small, not pretty, but it seemed good for swinging very fast back and forth. As much as the lady feared me it seemed unlikely that she would arm me. In such an otherwise bare room it seemed unlikely she wouldn't know it was here.

I slept back under the covers with my clothes on and the small sword. There were two things to think about: my current situation and my curious lack of memory. It was so curious because I felt relatively unconcerned about it. Surely I should care a very lot about not remembering who I was or anything at all about my life. Yet I felt vaguely happy about it. It seemed as if I wanted it to stay that way. I should be trying to remember but somehow couldn't quite make myself try. Additionally I did need to understand my current situation better. Surely drugging these people and leaving them huddled together on the floor day after day wasn't the best solution.

I got back up and put the chair up against the door knob. If nothing it would give me some warning. Back in bed once again. I could not decide if the lady was lying. I wanted to go back over the conversation but wasn't sure if I was remembering it correctly. Exactly what was her expression when she asked how well I could fight? Was she really thinking about me fighting the creature or simply sizing me up as a threat to her. As much as I was enjoying not remembering my past, going over my conversation with her only annoyed me. Perhaps remembering my life, my identify could help me. I tried to remember my first moments with Natasha wandering through the forest....