In other things in my life which I'll forget, today my son and I had our first birthday. He later went up the stairs on his own which is kind of good for exactly 1 year old. Actually I'm sure he could have done that a while ago but I never let him try. Also wandered the whole house walking around (while I made sure he didn't stick anything in his mouth) without ever coming close to falling. Also sort of almost throwing a ball already. And really seems to like Children of the Sun. Stops and just listens when I play it. Has the same reaction to a few bits of music on TV here and there.

My mother came over and rehashed same crap. Now sister just texted apologizing. Just 9 months later. I've said all along that if they apologized, I would accept their apologies. But I must admit here at least that I was hoping they wouldn't apologize. Because I'm really much happier having nothing to do with them. It's been endlessly miserable. I have no good memories of them.

At all.

The whole damn way. 40 years. No good memories. And even worse is my sister's husband. If my stepfather ever apologizes they'll just go back to trying to force me to be around him. And I truly want nothing to do with. There's something seriously not right there. The farther I can keep myself and my son and wife from him, the better. And so they'll just go on and on and on and on and on. Or at least that's what they did before, along with so many other things. Truly absolute hell. I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. Most especially not the same morals. Being forced to spend my life with them has been negative in a way which is just beyond words. If they all apologize, I may have to accept and then more far away.

Planning on moving in a few years anyway. My son can't grow up here. It's so important to have friends when growing up. Friends that are at least somewhat close to your intellectual level. I will not let his life be like mine was.

Also may need open heart surgery soon to fix a congenital condition that's been looming over my head since I was 10. Finally may actually happen. I was hoping I was some kind of special and it never would, considering they at first said I would have to have surgery by the age of 15. Not bothering to worry about it as it won't help any. Am bringing back the fruit smoothies to try to reduce inflammation as it can make aneurysms worse. But I feel fine. Feel more or less as good at 43 as I did at 23. I guess I don't sleep as deeply. Don't really sleep in anymore. And I've had all those headache issues (although none since reading Buchholz's book.) But I feel good. Don't feel like an old guy. Definitely don't play tennis like an old guy. The aortic aneurysm worries me less than the heart valve. Getting that replaced would mean long term issues.

Anyway I spend my free time watching my son. Not getting anything much else done. Reading some fantasy fiction.

This morning I went to the local courts to practice my two hand forehand slice. I also hit some two hand backhands. And I really dislike how much more work it is to hit the two hand backhand. It's bothering my abdominal muscles even. Went home and thought about it and started fooling around with trying to quickly change my grip for hitting a two handed forehand on either side. And I got kind of fast at it. Watched some tennis on TV while pretending I was the bottom player and trying to hit a two hand forehand for whichever side the ball came to. And I was fast enough. Except I'm not sure about the serve. Can't tell what side it's going to as fast as when playing so don't know for certain. But otherwise I'm easily fast enough to make the change.

So went back up to the courts and practice hitting a left handed two hand forehand. And it's pretty damn good immediately. The slice isn't as good yet as the other side. But when I hit it flat I can move it side to side as well as the two hand backhand. And I can more easily get pace on it. For only having tried it once before months ago, the accuracy was already really good.

It's funny how I'm trying to reinvent the wheel at tennis pretty much the same as I've tried for most other things. I have never heard of anyone hitting a two hand forehand on both sides. Of course I would try it. Because I think everyone else is kind of stupid actually; more so in tennis of course but... surely some intelligent people must occasionally choose a less boring form of exercise?

One would think, but apparently I don't really think so.

When someone decides to try doing something completely different from the norm, the underlying basis is usually a low opinion of the collective intelligence of mankind.

...but then I changed my mind. I think my andy murray backhand is quite good just needs a bit more practice instead of doing something drastic. More work on letting the left hand do the work. And practicing putting topspin on it.

Also I hit with a new (old used) racquet with the stupid name of the dunlop max predator. Has way more power despite only weighing it down to 12.5 ounces, which surprised me. Play my first match tomorrow with it. Really curious to see what it can do when really going for it on serves indoors. And again changing a groundstroke grip. I just like the feel of the andy murray backhand grip when hitting a two hand forehand slice more than a continental/eastern forehand. I'll still use the latter occasionally to hit drives. I guess just like Santoro. I guess. Certainly works for him. Or one handed continental.

Really need to just stick with something. Decided to go one hand continental because I think one hand eastern forehand is bothering my arm even though I hit it so rarely. I was hitting it really good. But I don't want my arm bothering me.

So I practiced a double continental grip again on my backhand and although it feels good when just taking a practice swing, it's really hard to get as much on the ball. Maybe if I practiced for years but I really prefer the semiwestern/mild eastern backhand grip. And I've played that a few times now, combined with a continental/eastern forehand forehand. (Want my hands "overlapped" for all two handed groundstrokes). And it is definitely a better backhand for me. A few more unforced errors but just a much more aggressive shot. The topspin keeps some speed on the ball and also gives me more security to go for shots. I beat Alex V 6-2, 6-0, 6-1. (Previously had much closer matches). And then Joey B, who was the best player I've ever played indoors before, who previously won 16 games to my 3. This time he won 8 to my 4. Really he jumped up 3-0 and then I played him even.

But I'm still very new to this backhand grip and I'm sure I can improve some. Doesn't feel natural to me after hitting an eastern forehand/continental for so long. Right now the few better players try to hit to my backhand, hopefully that won't be quite such a good idea eventually.

Against Joey B I also hit more forehand slices this time which gave him issues. But I wasn't really grooved on the forehand slice. I think I need to keep my left arm straight when hitting a forehand slice. That and work on a left hand semiwestern forehand, to improve my backhand.

I played my nemesis J C again and lost again, for probably the 8th time in a row but I think this might have been our closest ever match at 6-3, 7-5. Not to mention he even served game point at 5-5 when I wasn't looking most likely on purpose. I felt pretty positive about the match also because I used a new grip I had never used before on both the forehand and backhand. Never had even practiced it and had my best result. On backhand I used a eastern forehand/eastern backhand grip. On forehand I used a continental/eastern forehand grip. This meant on forehand I had my hands overlapped (as opposed to like carrying a basket) and I think overlapped is in general the way to go for any two handed grip. Makes it a bit smoother. On backhand I was able to hit a bit more topspin and get more power while not sacrificing control. (As opposed to the usual eastern forehand/continental grip which gives good control but not much topspin).

The remaining problem is that on the backhand I'm hitting it right to him way too often. On the forehand I actually make him run like every other shot. On the backhand I'll hit it right at him 2 or 3 times. With the extra pace he wasn't taking control of the point quite as much but still he was doing so a bit more than me. I kept getting stuck in hitting my backhand to his forehand (he's left handed). Trading back and forth way too much.

So I wonder if a double continental grip would help me with my placement. The problem is I would lose my topspin. And I don't hit high balls as well with it. Also I enjoy hitting topspin. So I'm not sure if I should stick with the eastern forehand/eastern backhand and see if the placement improves. Or continue to be wishy washy and go back to the double continental. I had abandoned it before rather suddenly. I have to be very precise with it due to the lack of topspin. Some days it's hard to be so precise and it kind of takes the fun out of tennis. Also has a slightly robotic/clunky feel, but that could be from lack of practice.

Going to go watch Agassi on youtube. He was the one person I know of who basically hit a double continental.

Yes. Him and Marat Safin. And the info on the internet is incredibly stupid. Makes me think people who play tennis are incredibly stupid. But relatively speaking they're mostly doctors, engineers, professors. But online it's a stupid fest. They can't even figure out what to call a given grip. Stupidity as far as the eye can see.

Since I quit eating sugar I find myself writing music. With what little free time I manage with an 11 month old. I guess quitting the cello helped.

Tried a new grip. A double semi-western for both backhand and forehand. Like holding a basket while swinging. Felt a little awkward but I thought it would mean being more facing the court and would thus mean fewer unforced errors. And I was right, it did mean fewer unforced errors. But it also meant hardly any topspin or pace. A basic question you have to ask yourself is: do you want to be pretty good, or do you want to attempt to be extremely good. Pretty good means hitting the ball a bit softer and just not hitting unforced errors. The double semi-western is a quick way to be pretty good, as a pusher/dinker. But then I played the second best player I've ever played and he beat me 6-1, 6-0. In truth I had like 4 to 6 deuce games but... anyway.

So I've switched to a grip that gives me more topspin. Of course it's possible to hit flat and still play really well, but it requires an extreme level of precision that I just don't have when playing a few times a week and getting run all over the place, plus being 6'5" and 210 pounds. So losing against this good player has caused me to veer in the other direction. Now instead of the eastern forehand/continental grip for my two hand backhand, I've gone to semi-western/continental for the backhand. Actually was practicing semi-western/eastern backhand. I could really rip it that way but I hate it for when I switch to one handed. And maybe I don't have to veer quite that extreme anyway. And the top hand matters more anyway. The key when having the top hand in semi-western instead of eastern forehand is to think of it as a left handed forehand. And as such I've been really practicing hitting a left handed forehand.

And for the forehand switching to continental/semi-western. It doesn't give as much topspin but I'm just turned too far from the court if I try eastern backhand/semi-western. And going to experiment with more one hand forehands while keeping my arm very straight. And probably also some forehand slices using the backhand grip. Worked for Santoro.

Beat a bunch of people in tennis. The owner of the indoor courts 6-3, 6-4.. That high school kid while his dad filmed the match 6-2, 6-3. More I don't remember. Against the high school kid (#1 in region) I tried a new grip on both forehand and backhand for the first time ever. A double semi western. No grip switch. The backhand is very close to just being a left handed forehand. Really worked. I'm more facing the court/ball. Should be easier on my neck too on the two hand forehand. Also tried to remember to be like a baseball pitcher on the serve, not a centerfielder.

Read Ready Player One and Armada by Ernest Cline. The former is extreme nostalgia for the 80's. Primarily videogames. The latter is also heavy on the video games and was much better than the majority of the reviews suggested. The former was better though. Just OK though. Beyond the nostalgia, not a big deal.

Was ruminating really bad on Monday and Tuesday when coming back from having a week off. Don't even want to write about it.

Well, the one thing I should write about is trying to remember that how you look plays a huge and mostly unfair part in how you're treated. I'm not treated all that well it seems to me by most people. Instead of seeing it as proof that humankind is trash I should try to see it as just some absurd thing. People are controlled like machines practically by relatively meaningless random absurdities. And that is so so so much better a thing to think than the alternative.