I wrote about ten hours worth of music. Mostly stopped 5 years ago. Haven't even listened to any of it in probably a year now. Feel afraid now to go back and listen to it. If I still think it's really good, that will make me very sad and/or angry about how no one ever gave it the time of day. If I go back and find that I no longer like it, that I now think it sucks, then I'll feel bad that I spent so much time on a total fail.

S never gave a damn about my music. I find myself still just sickened by what she did after being a (I thought) close friend for so many years. Still being friends with her sister is serving as a constant reminder. But she never gave a damn about my music, so fuck her. Other "friends" sort of, kind of cared. They at least were impressed, though it's not like they then wanted to just listen and listen to it, which is understandable. I didn't expect it to take the world by storm. Or be something for any but a very small minority. A minority that it never reached. But S didn't value creativity in others. I could list many other negatives but that's the one that matters.

I'm going to make a CD for B. Just to see.

....yes, my music is beautiful. No matter that the world is blind (and deaf). No matter that I live in an evil world where other people don't care about the creativity of the people they personally know.

Why write?

1. To show what could be
2. Art is the lie that brings us closer to the truth (increase understanding)
3. Simple escape from this world
4. Strengthen our mysticism
5. To help people survive their lives

Are these reasons actually worth writing?

Currently I only write when in a really bad mood and wanting an escape beyond the reading of other books. I'm not in that bad of a mood often enough.

I suppose these are worthy reasons. Provided I can remember them.

Writing rules
1. Something hidden from some other character in the book that isn't hidden from the reader
1a. Striving towards justice
2. Something hidden from the reader
3. An escape
4. Something beautiful combined with hardship and injustice (I forget about the beauty part.)

I keep trying to hit a topspin two hand forehand and keep finding I do better if I slice it instead. In doubles I feel like I have to hit it flat or with topspin but in singles it really seems like slice does better. I hit far fewer errors and opponents have to generate the own pace. But I keep messing around with it. I'd like to hit hard. The young guys generally hit extreme topspin and probably dismiss me when they see me just slicing it. Of course even top pros just slice it (Stevie Johnson, Fabrice Santoro) but... I'd still like to be able to hit hard. Which if the opponent rushes the net, then yes, I can hit flat or with topspin and pass just fine. But if they stay back I hit more unforced errors than winners.

So I'll keep practicing. Maybe it will continue to improve.

But the slice is really getting good. The precision is increasing. It has to be a pain in the butt to play against. Got a new racquet (Prince Precision Equipe Longbody). It's actually lighter and so in getting the weight up to 14.75 ounces, I've ended up making it more head heavy. Which is seems to be a good thing. Elbow feels good and I've got more power.

But, don't know what it's strung with. Surely NXT 18 will be just as soft and as powerful. But don't know for sure yet.

Finally went back to putting topspin on my serve, as I probably already mentioned. Wish I had done so against Cooke. Did so against Chi and had maybe one or two double faults. And he had a lot of trouble with my serve.

Finished Dave Duncan's 8 book series. A Man of His Word and A Handful of Men. First book was The Magic Casement.

Divided humankind into Jotnar-football/rugby like sailors who like to brawl. Goblins-like to rape and torture, not intelligent. Imps-Romans, order/structure/curious/physically nondescript. Fauns-stubborn and like animals. Fairies-? magic comes from them. Trolls-large, ugly, very peaceful, seemingly stupid, but not really. Dwarves-greedy, stolid, unimaginative. Elves-artists. Djinns-Arabs, treat women like shit. Pixies-similar to elves, very afraid, hide and live simple lives in the woods.

Did as is generally done with characters but for races. Stereotypes. But as I went to a local football game (got invited and went for the hell of it) I couldn't help but think of the jotnars as that's pretty much who surrounded me.

Sounds like no big deal and isn't really but I liked it while at the football game. At this stage of my life wanting to play football is very foreign to me and I guess I'll dvr the local college team's game but I certainly don't have much interest anymore. Maybe just because I'm back into tennis. Football seems very stupid. Lots of injuries. Lots of standing around. Few guys ever actually touch the ball. Very few plays that are actually fun to watch. But I always knew that, yet got into it anyway. Anyway now it's like a bunch of jotnar, perhaps with some goblins mixed in.

In the first four books the hero (Rap) is getting power (magic words give you power). And I like him. He isn't the typical perfectly bland harry potter type hero. For example trying to not hold it against someone that they're good looking. That's exactly the sort of thing I would think and it isn't quite typical. Super ethical. Refuses to take power, etc. The following four are not as good. Too many separate plot threads. Bouncing around too much to people I never quite care very much about.

And so very little bad ever happens to main characters... or at least that's how it feels. None of them ever die. And you know they won't. And it gives it a light hearted tone that doesn't draw you in quite as much.

Yes Inos (Rap's wife) does get raped. Somehow that even doesn't feel like a big deal. She easily deals with it. Rap does get tortured and wants to die at one point. But he has magical powers and then heals himself.

If someone important had died early. Well, Thaile's husband and child were killed... and she certainly didn't shrug it off. But there's just a light feel to the tone/style.

Anyway, 8 books. It was a nice escape from reality.