Lost in the finals 6-4, 6-3. To my nemesis Mr. Cooke. He's beaten me like 6 times in a row. I must have hit about 15 double faults and finally near the end moved a bit away from an eastern forehand serve grip and finally won a service game. I double faulted at my ad in my previous service game. Lots of close games. I guess it was a promising. The forehand and backhand weren't the problem really. Bad serving mainly. And should have come in to the net a bit more. Really want this one back. Think I could have had him.

Was up 30 love in the last game. And then....... he sliced it to my forehand and came in and what the hell? Didn't prepare to hit a drive until too late and then weakly hit a crap shot out. Then went for a bit much on a backhand, hit it long. Then weirdly hit a forehand drive on a short ball that I had been successfully slicing the whole match and hit it like 5 feet long.

Stupid mental errors and double faults. I could see double bageling this guy. But he's far better than anyone else in the league. He does mix it up. High / low. Fast / slow. Moves it around. So it's a bit tricky. But really I handled that stuff pretty well. Should have came in more.

Just need to play him more often. And get more consistent on the serve. Simply getting the damn thing in could have been the difference.

Not to mention I called about three balls in that were out. Lost a game that way.

In other news think I have something precancerous. Unhappy about that. A bit annoyed with wife as it's on the back of my head where I can't see and she allayed my fears for quite a while. Finally I must face that it's not getting better. So yet another health issue despite a far healthier lifestyle than the average person.

I lost my toughness also I must say. Haven't been trying to be a tough person at all for a long time now. Maybe I should bring some toughness back. I guess the living has been good enough that I haven't needed it. Maybe I should envision myself as a tough person even though the living has been kind of good. Because all in all I've been kind of unhappy. Unhappy about no longer having parents and how S ended our friendship without ever even speaking to us.

About S though, clearly she has mental issues. I knew that from the start. And what she did was quite weird. Doesn't make sense. Makes at least a little sense if she was thinking of me in an inappropriate way. But then, she manages to do that with everyone eventually.

I tried to help her and I failed. I keep trying to fix broken people and I keep failing.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And 6-1, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And then I went and played a guy who later beat the number 4 ranked player in the state 6-1, 6-2. He beat me 6-1, 6-0. But in retrospect I could have done a lot better. I got psyched out. If I just served decent I could have held serve at least a few more times.

Then I beat Chi 6-2, 6-3 and Daniel 6-2, 6-4. Not playing as well. Was thinking about how just getting it back works great against these club players but really didn't work against a really good player. Then I played doubles with some really good players and started doing more than hitting a Santoro slice forehand. Started hitting a drive. And it was working really well. Next day I took the ball machine and found I could almost hit it in everytime. Just as accurate as the slice.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. And 6-1, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0. Lost 16 games in my last 14 sets and not impressed. Just feel like I'm playing a bunch of people who aren't very good. Today he kept missing so many easy shots. Could have lost a lot more games but for all his unforced errors. This weekend will be a real test. Shouldn't have lost a game today. Although forgot to adjust a few times when changing sides with that constant wind.

Really worried I'm going to get a migraine. Vision was funny today. Ate a tiny bit of cheese at work... Not smart. Going to take zzquil and pray..... Felt blah today after feeling so good yesterday.

Beautiful summer ruined by S and my parents. Hard to be happy with what they did. Will take a while to come to terms with both, parents more I guess. But both. Hawthy has been wonderful though. Feel bad when I play tennis and don't get to see him in the evenings. Hate to miss even a day of him slowy growing/learning.

Switched to my left hand in the hand shake grip and my right in continental on backhand and a double semi-western on forehand.

Since I've made this switch I've played four times and haven't even come close to losing a set.

6-3, 6-2, 6-0, 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, 6-1, 6-2, 6-0.

Mostly haven't even been serving good. But once the point gets going, I don't miss. And my opponents aren't hitting winners.

Almost too easy but not really hard competition. We shall see soon. Big tournament next weekend and JC, who I've never beat, in a couple weeks.

Also tried not taking a step on the serve today. Blah. That didn't work.

Having trouble coming to terms with "disowning" my family. This is due to memory issues for one. But also because it's so nice to pretend they weren't hell for the last 40 years. Would be nice to pangloss things. Certainly tried to, very hard, for decades. But all that bending over backwards just made them push harder and harder, till I had enough. And now it's like, wow, I put up with all that for decades?

So I have no parents/siblings now. But what did I use to have? Was that a family? Was that ever a family? They were at best just a blank. And generally far worse. I was crushed by them. And now I'm just an echo of what I once was.

Really what a horror my childhood was. What unspeakable shit they all always were to me. All memories of my youth are tinged in red. And they never quit since then. Barbarians. Poor me. Should just have gotten away so much sooner. But I forget. It's so nice to pretend. To pangloss.

I really like Dead Can Dance. Their most recent album with Children of the Sun. That's a very good one. But then also there is one I think called Amnesia that I really like. Have it tied into the end of Buelhman's Children of a Lesser God. Great song even without that association. And then additionally there is another song on the album that sounds like dying and not being unhappy about it. I don't want to die. But a song that can make one not feel unhappy about the prospect is a pretty damn good song. "All your ships have left the harbor".... pictured a book where an entire culture is decimated in a war. A book about that culture and it's demise. That somehow was readable...

Such strong vague feelings. Are they strong exactly because they're vague?

Or imagine just dying and traveling across a now empty world, reviewing it I guess.... Was a second song that also managed this or was there?

Listened to this album to death. Finally moving on to another. Another album that at first I only thought was OK but I find myself really wanting to give it a chance and now really starting to like some other songs. Engima of the Absolute really growing on me. And there songs that make me feel like I'm in the middle ages, etc.

Haven't bothered to try to write music hardly at all for quite a while and have even quit playing the cello and viola lately. Because it's time away from my son's first year of life. But I did mess around the other day. There is some machine in the pharmacy. It makes this industrial sort of repetitive noise that actually sounds very musical. I went home and in some sense tried to recreate it. And came up with a nice little intricate loop. And then stuck.

And thinking a problem in my writing is making intricate loops instead of longer song structures. Forget the intricacy.

Played tennis yesterday and won 6-3, 6-0. I always seem to start slow. Though also was being careful as I tweaked my back 5 days previous. Do feel like my game is on now. And am trying to beat people 6-0. I always offer to hit afterwards. To beat someone like that and then not offer, or even worse turn down their offer is in extremely poor form.

Read that a 16 hour fast is really good for you. Which equals simply skipping breakfast. Been doing so and feeling pretty good. ...except been eating a couple dates right before bed. So really only a 12 hour fast I guess.

I won in doubles for the end of the year local tournament. But there was only a semifinals and final. And the final was against the 6th ranked male player in the state and a woman. She's an OK player. But no spin, not much pace. Generally just gets it back. Easy to jump all over her serve. So, anyway, my serve was very good. She couldn't get it back. But then the 6th ranked player in the state also had a really hard time. Kept hitting it to my net man. We both held serve every time. As did the 6th ranked player. Broke the girl's serve and won 8-5. My first serve was about 65%.

In the semifinals we played a couple of high school tennis coaches and beat them 8-4.

In singles I lost to an older guy. He broke my serve twice and I only broke his serve once. He really played well and somehow I just kept coming close to breaking him and couldn't quite finish him off. And then he played lights out one of my service games and I double faulted three times in a row in another. I think I'm better than him. Oh well. Court surface is some weird carpet that the ball skids on. Wonder how much that mattered.

Tonight I played Chi. I win half of our sets 6-1 or 2 and the other half are closer with me almost always winning. Today I beat him 6-0, 6-0, 6-1. I really feel like I'm improving. The two hand slice forehand with a double semi-western is very good. Chi apparently isn't terribly impressed and purposely hits to it. While I'm also busy running around my backhand to hit it even more. I'm hitting lots of winners with it. Rarely hit errors.

My backhand was extremely good today. Hit with a ball machine beforehand and I just about hit 50 in a row without missing. I can only recall missing during our match 4 times... Three ROS in the net and one ball crosscourt that was just wide. For the first time ever I had my right hand in a continental grip while my left was closer to an eastern forehand grip than a continental. It was just the right amount of topspin. With a double eastern forehand grip I don't hit enough topspin. With a double continental, it's too much. This feels perfect.

And then strangely a double semi-western at the net. Really like how both the forehand and backhand feel that way.

Finally have it figured out I think.

Additionally played this guy who recently beat me when I was almost passing out from the heat. And I beat him 6-1, 7-5. And I was down 5-0, 40-love in the second set and came back. So not counting a hiccup in the middle I really mowed him down. And then played another guy and won 6-3, 6-2. That guy I was down 3-1 and then won 11 of the last 13 games. I really think I'm close to being pretty damn good.

Today I had a migraine in the morning for the first time in a while. I drank about two beers from a keg last night for the first time in a while. Really felt awful this morning. And then I took 600 of advil (which may blunt it for a few hours at best for one time) and zzquil. I think the zzquil knocked it out. First time something ever knocked it out. Although it's only been 9 hours. zzquil wears off around that time and my migraines usually last two days. So I shall see. But if it did knock it out, it's the first thing that ever did so. It makes sense as it's an immune reaction. But I had thought I used it before and it didn't work...

In a decent mood. I have two friends! Two! And my wife is great. And my son is great so far. My job is pretty decent.. Somewhat coming to terms with my parents and S. Thinking about it less.