To my great shame I must admit that we ate daffodils and grass. Like cattle. To be capable of such was a thing to be hidden. Yet it was that or starve. How I worried I might start liking it too much. Day after day. We could kill nothing the creatures easily outran us. Or quickly flew away.

A single day would be one thing. But this continued on for weeks. Till I feared to look upon my visage in the still waters of the occasional pond or small lake we would pass.

You must understand that I did not wish to become complacent. That was the great enemy. Complacent and happy in dystopia. Never. So then we finally sat outside the castle walls and I dumbly cut my arms, feeling nothing much. I tried to remember the evil god and it seemed funny. I tried to remember the dying and it was a sweet melancholy.

I wandered over to Zander, the only one who continued forth across plain. "I think we're in a trouble."
"We need meat perhaps?"
I could barely take in the thought. But yes, that must be it! We remember how to make a trap and did so and captured a creature. Killing was horrible and awkward. Eating worse. Then we laid there in a vague disquiet. Slowly into a sleep filled with dark visions, and awaking with our purpose renewed. I was I once again. The dark lord would pay, no pain, no anything would stop my revenge. Fiercely proud we strode forth to the beginning of the castle defenses.

"What are you transgressions?"
"I strive for too much. At heart I'm a revolutionary."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change this world." he said with softness.
"But it means having such a high self opinion. It can't not mean it. To believe changing the world is possible, one must believe that they are special enough to change the world. Even as they clearly are not."
"And how do you know that you are clearly not?"
"You mean other than the fact that I've failed? I haven't succeeded at much of anything in this life."
"You never cared to succeed at the trifles that matter to some."
I lay upon the ground staring at the brilliant moon as he stood above me and continued.
"You have been right throughout, and beaten down by those, who disagree, who prefer meaningless trifles now, who assimilate without question. They see you and it reminds them subconsciously of what they are. No matter how well you treat them, they will always feel malevolence for you."
He shrugged and smiled at me and held out his hand. "Have a cigar."
I snorted. "Oh. No thanks."
I swear I could literally see the moon moving across the sky. Was it possible? A million beautiful nights containing endless people like this had passed through time. I jumped forth to catch it but was a moment behind. I tried again, still a bit off. Rewind...

I awoke afraid to move, worried of discovering insects nestled with me in my blanket. I gathered myself and shot up flinging the blanket from me, spinning round and dusting and brushing myself all over. Fergal chuckled.
"I trust you slept well? Full of energy this morning."
"Yes. Yes I did. And not a single insect if I dare say...."
"Oh you should have seen the huge one I brushed off you while you were still sleeping." Fergal said with a smile, possibly kidding, maybe not.
Broun sat staring at the ground. "You should meditate on how disgusting the human body is. If anything an exoskeleton is possibly less disgusting."
"Where are the others?" I asked him.
"All long awake but you and off washing."
I jogged to the creek and splashed water on my face. I remembered a forever of repetitive awakenings to another workday in the far past. Life was finally once again new and different. Awakening outside now, I should learn to stand the insects. It was otherwise wonderful. Would it ever get as old as what had come before? I remembered awakening alone, in the dark, by an alarm clock, day after day, year after year. Never time to waste. Usually with a vague apprehension for what the day held. Here I had already cheated death and I was not alone. It was The Escape to neverwhere. A place that either doesn't exist anywhere or could easily exist almost everywhere. The place without fear. The place with hope and mystery for what the future may hold.

Ran a 5k a few weeks back in a dismal 22:30. Last year at that time I did one in 21:40. I am ten pounds heavier this year. This one was hilly. Last year it was really only 3 miles, this year I forgot my garmin. My knee has reduced my weekly mileage, etc. Last year I did omega male training (which is huge). But still that's just going the wrong way, thinking I should change my training back to hard twice a week and otherwise very easy or elliptical. Did the elliptical two days in a row and then while feeling very lethargic from it did 4 miles at 7:36 pace yesterday. PR for that is like 7:18 pace. The elliptical seems to bother my right knee. Trying to be careful.

Have a half marathon in less than a month. It would be nice to get in a 8 mile run at under 8 minute pace in the next couple weeks. I've done it before. Might manage it.... If so, it would suggest a good improvement in this half.

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Lately everything feels old. Having trouble enjoying my diversions. Having trouble holding on to my myopia. Everything lately. Also worried about work as all the stroke doctors and researchers are leaving. Could lose my job.